Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?

Because it didn't habanero.

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After weeks of practice, I finally beat my record for how far I can shoot my jizz.

I can’t believe how far I’ve come.

Using a cinnamon stick to stir your eggnog isn't a religious practice.

It's egg-nog-stick.

How do dentists practice what they do?

They run drills!

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In the car, a mother is trying to advise her son after practice: "Billy, if you want to be a running back, you've got to learn how to hold a ball!"

Billy: "I can't! Coach buys these footballs that are shiny and too slippery."

Mother: "You can't blame the coach. You need to take responsibility."

Billy: "Oh yeah? You try to hold one of those things. Pretty easy to be a backseat coach on the field."

Mother: "Bi...

Sergeant: I didn’t see you at camouflage practice this morning Private!

Private: Yes Sir! Thank you sir!

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A comprehensive observation about common religions and religious practices.

Jainism: You must not disturb shit

Bhuddism: You must become one with the shit.

Taoism: Shit happens

Shintoism: Our ancestors thought of this shit.

Hinduism: Eating meat makes you a shit person.

Paganism: Here's some shit that represents other shit.

Reform J...

I’m not good with conversations, so I practice talking to large rocks.

It helps me speak boulder.

What do you call a Mennonite who only practices some of their traditions?

A Mennonlite

The neurosurgeon thinks he runs his practice very intelligently...

...but his patients are the real brains of the operation.

A Chinese lawyer decides to go into the hospital business and has a sign outside of his practice that says, “GET CURED PAY 50 DOLLARS, UNCURED I PAY YOU 1000 DOLLARS”

A lawyer sees this sign and thinks it is a good way to get some money. He goes to the doctor and says, “help, I have lost my sense of taste”

the doctor says, ”OK, the Moutai will cure this”

the lawyer says, “ugh, this is kerosene”

”congrats, your sense of taste is restored. give...

64AD: Nero bans the practice of christianity through the roman empire

christians: i can’t believe this

romans: correct

If "practice makes perfect", but "nobody is perfect"

Then I won't practice at all, it'll make me a nobody!

So a doctor starts up a practice and decides to challenge himself, so he puts out a sign: "I'll cure any sickness for only $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $500!"

A lawyer sees the sign out front and decides this would be some easy fast cash so he goes in to see the doctor.

"Doctor I cant taste anything!"

Doctor says "nurse go grab vial 43!", she brings it and he puts two drops on the lawyer's tongue.

The lawyer quickly spits it out and s...

The gynecologist down the street is selling the upper floors of his practice...

...He only works in the downstairs area anyway...

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What’s the difference between an asexual and someone who practices bestiality?

One tries to duck the fucks, while the other tries to fuck the ducks.

My girlfriend has a tickle fetish, so I decided to practice on my coworkers

Unfortunately I was fired when my test-tickles were exposed to upper management.

How did the people of India get so good at medicine?

They've got much practice thanks to a lot of Sikh people

Please practice safe text.

Use a comma & you won’t miss a period.

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A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

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A product manager was asked by his son about his work. The father says, "My job is all about the difference between theory and practice." The child didn't understand, so the father said, "Let me give you an example:"

"Go ask your sister if she'd sleep with the neighbor for £1M". Kid goes, returns & says "she's not too happy to but she will for times are tough."

Then the father said: "Now go ask your mom that question" so the child goes, returns and says: "Mom's is not too happy to sleep with the neigh...

what do you call a spine doctor who practices in Egypt?

a cairo-practor!

A General and a Private encounter one another after military training. The general tells the private, “Hey, you! I didn’t see you at camouflage practice today!”

The private replied with “Gee, thanks!”

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why are black people so good at basketball?

because they practice

During isolation I have a lot of time to practice my bowling..

There’s no rest for the wickets

Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics?

because they practice at the best schools

I don't practice "social distancing."

After 30 years of social anxiety and a deep disgust of humanity in general, I operate on an "expert" level.

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Lawyers should never ask a Virginia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big d...

Why can’t flat earthers practice social distancing?

They would run out of room and fall off the edge.

I suggested to my wife that we practice social distancing

She agreed, but wanted to call it a trial separation.

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Three Japanese men die in a horrible bus accident and go to the gates of heaven. St. Peter stops them at the gate, eyes them suspiciously and says "Boys, most Japanese practice Shinto or Buddhism. You're actually Christians?"

The three indignantly protest that they were raised in Christian families and have practiced the religion their entire lives. St. Peter says: "Ok, I'm going to ask you one question. If you get the one question correct, you will get to go into heaven." Excited about not going to hell, the three Japan...

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Viagra and its consequences

Doctor, what should I do? Sex with my husband doesn't really work anymore!"

The doctor asks, "Have you tried Viagra?"

"My husband doesn't even take aspirin!"

"You have to do it in secret. Just put the drug in his coffee."

"Good, Doctor, I'll try it out!"

Two ...

Some law reinforcement have practiced for 20+ years

You'd think they'd have learned by now

After years of practice, I've finally mastered cloning deer...

It's a great way to make a quick buck.

A priest goes out practice golfing and has an altar boy caddy for him.

Right off the first tee the priest immediately hooks the ball into a sand trap. He mutters, "God Dammit!!!" The shocked altar boy says, "Father! Isn't that blasphemy?" The priest says, "Awww I'm a priest, he'll forgive me."
On the second tee he hits a bad slice, the ball bounces off a tree and ...

Gynecologist Career Change

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork so he decided to give up practicing medicine.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classe...

Two forensic officers were reviewing their examination the stomach of a murder victim that week.

"Another case solved," concluded the chief officer.

*"Hmm-mmm" her partner agreed.*

"Quite a simple one to work out, too." She savoured a sip of coffee.

*"Oh? How so?" queried the young man, raising an eyebrow.*

"Hmmm. The contents reminded me of my husband's attempt at t...

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A boy asks his dad about the difference between theory and practice.

So the dad tells him to go and ask his sister, mother, and grandmother whether or not they would be willing to sleep with a man for 1 million dollars.

The boy asks his grandmother who says "for much less"

Then his mother who says "beats sleeping with that broke son of a bitch you call ...

Cemeteries are great places to practice social distancing.

Everyone is always six feet away from you.

We have an Irish guy who comes to the pub every night and orders two beers at the same time.



He was asked about this peculiar practice and said, “I promised me brother in Ireland that I would always have a pint for him while in America”.


This went on for years. The man was a fixture at the bar, ordering his two pints and sitting at the bar drinking them by himself for ...

A woman's brain cost less

The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say. 'Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant.

This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves.'

'...

When I was bar tending I would tell people this was the worst joke they’ll ever hear that will still make them laugh. I always just called it. “Grandma”

A boy comes home from school one day skipping football practice cuz he isn’t feeling well.
When he gets home he grabs a snack and sits down to watch some TV.
During the show he hears some noises coming from his parents room.
His parents not being home at that time normally he walks down ...

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A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on the front porch

Slowly they rocked in rhythm, as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace.

Suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a loud and hard WHACK hit her husband across the shins.

His eyes watered and tears ran down ...

other soldiers in the trojan horse: [angrily staring at me]

**me:** guys my clarinet isn’t going to practice itself

What's the difference between a quilled mammal and your "practice tree?"

One's a porcupine, the other's a pine you pork.

You hear about the Anthrax scare at the Dallas Cowboys practice facility?

A white powder was found on the Dallas Cowboys practice field. The team offense had never seen anything like it.

Upon further inspection, it turned out to be the goal line.

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My buddy Norman was a great guy, but he was obsessive about power poles.

True story. My buddy Norman had mental issues.

He used to go around with a slingshot, shooting stones at the insulators on power poles. The police would pick him up, hold him overnight, then let him go in the morning. He would eventually find a new slingshot, then go right back to shooti...

Where did the practice of signing a piece of paper in exchange for services and goods start?

The Czech Republic.

Sometimes I'm good at batting practice, sometimes I'm not

It's really hit or miss.

After boasting to her mother about how great she is at doing head stands, Susan was advised not to practice it in her new school since her underwear is usually exposed.

Susan was proud at her achievement after her first day and was eager to tell Mum about the great audience of boys she attracted at school when showing off her skills.


Mother reminded her about exposing her panties of which Susan replied, "No Mum they were not seeing my panties."
...

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What exercise can Olympic weightlifters still practice in the shower?

The Clean and Jerk.

What is it called when witches practice their spells?

Hex-ercise

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect;

then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

A man and his wife are looking for a job

The man, unable to find any employment in his field, decides to apply for anything he can find in the hopes of earning enough to feed his family.

A few days later, he comes home overjoyed. His wife enquires, and he happily said he found a job as a stuntman in a circus! The pay is good, he ha...

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Why do Jews practice circumcision?

They can't resist 10% off.

If you have a presentation, you should practice with a microphone.

Why? Because they will always give you feedback.

I'm training to be an anaesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon "Can I practice on my self first?"

He said "Sure, knock yourself out!"

A Conductor composes am orchestra for king Jon un himself.

It takes them weeks, and it is the best orchestra that North Korea has ever seen. But when it came time to show him their original masterpiece, they flop. It’s absolutely horrible. So king Jon un sends the conductor to the electric chair to be executed.

The conductor is asked what he wishes f...

What was the most practiced Olympic sport in the late 1920s?

Defenestration.

Scientology is officially recognised as a religion in the UK, rather than just a cult. A cult being a group who believe in bizarre theories and superstitions, practice daft rituals and accept ridiculous restrictions on their behaviour.

Whereas a religion…….

A log chopper came looking for a job in a lumber camp

The foreman said, "I don't know if this is the kind of job you want; here we chop trees." The woodchopper said, "That's precisely the sort of work I do." The foreman replied, " Okay, here's an axe-let' s see how long it takes you to chop down this tree here." The woodchopper went over to the tree a...

You know, just based on my “relationship resume,” on paper, I’m a great catch!

In practice, however, I’m more catch and release.

How is a joke like a frog?

If you have to dissect it, it's probably already dead.

See, because a common practice in laboratories, whether inhabited by students or professionals, is to dissect an animal, usually a frog, to understand the internal workings of it's body. Of course, this animal would be in a lot of pain if...

I have the worst neighbour ever! He keeps on banging on the wall at 3 a.m.

Completely ruins my drumming practice.

Father William, the old priest, made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names.

Father William jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad raised his hand and said, Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states.

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