Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?

Because it didn't habanero.

I’m looking for a sign language practice partner…

Could somebody lend me a hand?

OC by myself.

My Dad was a professional magician who performed all the classic illusions. He used to practice the well-known, "Sawing a person in two" trick using us kids.

He always loved to halve his family in the act.

What school of magic does a Giraffe practice?

Neckromancy

They told me that it’ll take a few years before my medical practice gets off the ground.

But I don’t have the patients.

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How do you practice safe sex?

By using the correct combination

After earning his DDS; a dentist went and opened up his own practice.

He became widely known for his amazing skills, and was highly praised + recommended by every patient he ever had. One year; he was nominated for (and won) a prestigious medical award. Inscribed upon its ornate surface was his name and the specific honor: “Global Recognition of Outstanding Surgical S...

I'm not good with conversations, so I practice talking to large rocks

It makes me boulder

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepa...

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After weeks of practice, I finally beat my record for how far I can shoot my jizz.

I can’t believe how far I’ve come.

What do you call an ostrich that practices dark magic?

An ostwitch!

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What do you call a horny emo who practices self-control?

An edgelord

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True facts....

\*\*\*\*True Facts\*\*\*\*

1. IN the 1400s, a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb, hence we have 'the rule of thumb'.

2. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only, Ladies Fo...

Man talking to his wife and asks “honey, where did you place the broken condoms?”

Wife: please stop referring to our kids as broken condoms, and they are at football practice

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A band is practicing before the concert

The vocalist stops the rehearsal and says:
\-Tell the bass player that the bass is too quiet
The band continues to pratice and suddenly the vocalist stops the rehearsal again:
\-Tell the bass player that I can't hear him
The band continues practice once more, but the vocalist rea...

I remember the last time I had some target practice.

I took one shoot and then one of the store employees asked me to leave.

I went to the gym to practice my comedy routine but nobody found it funny.

It was a tough crowd.

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Willie's Buds

A group of guys live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One transfers to another city and they're lost without him.

A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join...

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How do morticians practice driving backwards?

They rehearse.

I'm Jewish and was asked if I was practicing.

I told him, no of course not. I was born Jewish, no need to practice it.

Socialism sounds great in theory...

But in practice, you just gonna get couped by the CIA.

So a doctor starts up a practice and decides to challenge himself, so he puts out a sign: "I'll cure any sickness for only $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $500!"

A lawyer sees the sign out front and decides this would be some easy fast cash so he goes in to see the doctor.

"Doctor I cant taste anything!"

Doctor says "nurse go grab vial 43!", she brings it and he puts two drops on the lawyer's tongue.

The lawyer quickly spits it out and s...

Tony Dungy visits Bill Belicheck to try and learn the Patriots secrets.

He asks Bill about how he always wins no mater what is going on.

Bill calls Tom Brady into his office and asks him "who is you father's brother's nephew?"

Brady responds "Me"

Bill turns to Tony and says "see you, need smart players"

The next day at practice Tony calls ove...

Some say we should end the practice of male circumcision

Personally I think they're making a mountain out of a mohel.

Sergeant: I didn’t see you at camouflage practice this morning Private!

Private: Yes Sir! Thank you sir!

What do me and Rudy Giuliani have in common?

Neither of us are allowed to practice law in New York.

Using a cinnamon stick to stir your eggnog isn't a religious practice.

It's egg-nog-stick.

Why are redditors so talented at fencing?

They have a lot practice with riposting.



I'll let myself out.

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A comprehensive observation about common religions and religious practices.

Jainism: You must not disturb shit

Bhuddism: You must become one with the shit.

Taoism: Shit happens

Shintoism: Our ancestors thought of this shit.

Hinduism: Eating meat makes you a shit person.

Paganism: Here's some shit that represents other shit.

Reform J...

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Big Chief was suffering from constipation for over a week...

He hadn't laid a log in what felt like forever and this caused him great frustration, pain and discomfort. In great desperation, he decides to visit the tribe's witch doctor in the hope of finally loosening his bowels.

The witch doctor let's him in and says "Hey there Big Chief, to what do I ...

How do dentists practice what they do?

They run drills!

The neurosurgeon thinks he runs his practice very intelligently...

...but his patients are the real brains of the operation.

If "practice makes perfect", but "nobody is perfect"

Then I won't practice at all, it'll make me a nobody!

Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do

practice!

What do you call a Mennonite who only practices some of their traditions?

A Mennonlite

A Lesson in History

The king wanted to go fishing and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.

So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way they met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and the...

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What does a stripper do with her asshole before she goes to work?

She drops him off at band practice.

64AD: Nero bans the practice of christianity through the roman empire

christians: i can’t believe this

romans: correct

The gynecologist down the street is selling the upper floors of his practice...

...He only works in the downstairs area anyway...

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The Blowjob Class

Chantelle and her man are happily married, but their adventurous days in bed are long gone. To boost their sex life, Chantelle decides to participate in a blowjob class.

In the first lesson, the instructor introduced herself: "My name is Monica and I am a blowjob expert. What you will learn i...

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Needing a license to drive a car is fine.

I can understand needing a permit to carry a firearm.



I guess needing a degree to practice medicine makes sense -



But having to register to be a sex offender is just too much.

The practice of leaving the teacher speechless

Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home.

One boy throws his bag out the window.

Teacher: who just threw that?

Boy: Me! I’m going home now.

what do you call a spine doctor who practices in Egypt?

a cairo-practor!

Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a dog!

Unless it’s a repressed memory, I made this puppy up myself...

A woman walked into Dr Smith’s office and introduced herself.

“Hi, I’m Dr Yvette Tan, I’ve just become an accredited psychiatrist and would love to work as part of your medical practice”.

Despite some misgivings, D...

Please practice safe text.

Use a comma & you won’t miss a period.

During isolation I have a lot of time to practice my bowling..

There’s no rest for the wickets

My girlfriend has a tickle fetish, so I decided to practice on my coworkers

Unfortunately I was fired when my test-tickles were exposed to upper management.

What do you call evil duck rituals?

Fowl practices!

I don't practice "social distancing."

After 30 years of social anxiety and a deep disgust of humanity in general, I operate on an "expert" level.

Ricardo was a young Italian man.

He lived in Milan. On his 16th birthday his father Antonio, in a rite of passage, gave him a hunting rifle that was a family heirloom. The rifle had been handmade by Antonio’s father who founded the Rolle Carabiner Company after World War II. Ricardo cherished the rifle and he practiced with it o...

A high-school girls soccer team hires a new coach, Coach Bill. When Coach Bill is hired the girls are in last place.

Coach Bill starts a whole new regimen for practices, including new workouts, new drills and after 2 weeks of this he introduces a new herbal supplement he asks the girls to start taking daily.

A week later the girls win their first game of the season. Then another one, and another one... In f...

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A product manager was asked by his son about his work. The father says, "My job is all about the difference between theory and practice." The child didn't understand, so the father said, "Let me give you an example:"

"Go ask your sister if she'd sleep with the neighbor for £1M". Kid goes, returns & says "she's not too happy to but she will for times are tough."

Then the father said: "Now go ask your mom that question" so the child goes, returns and says: "Mom's is not too happy to sleep with the neigh...

I suggested to my wife that we practice social distancing

She agreed, but wanted to call it a trial separation.

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Three Japanese men die in a horrible bus accident and go to the gates of heaven. St. Peter stops them at the gate, eyes them suspiciously and says "Boys, most Japanese practice Shinto or Buddhism. You're actually Christians?"

The three indignantly protest that they were raised in Christian families and have practiced the religion their entire lives. St. Peter says: "Ok, I'm going to ask you one question. If you get the one question correct, you will get to go into heaven." Excited about not going to hell, the three Japan...

Why can’t flat earthers practice social distancing?

They would run out of room and fall off the edge.

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A boy asks his dad about the difference between theory and practice.

So the dad tells him to go and ask his sister, mother, and grandmother whether or not they would be willing to sleep with a man for 1 million dollars.

The boy asks his grandmother who says "for much less"

Then his mother who says "beats sleeping with that broke son of a bitch you call ...

A priest goes out practice golfing and has an altar boy caddy for him.

Right off the first tee the priest immediately hooks the ball into a sand trap. He mutters, "God Dammit!!!" The shocked altar boy says, "Father! Isn't that blasphemy?" The priest says, "Awww I'm a priest, he'll forgive me."
On the second tee he hits a bad slice, the ball bounces off a tree and ...

Couldn't sleep at all last night, just lay there listening to my wife's nose whistle.

Really wish she'd practice it somewhere else.

After years of practice, I've finally mastered cloning deer...

It's a great way to make a quick buck.

After boasting to her mother about how great she is at doing head stands, Susan was advised not to practice it in her new school since her underwear is usually exposed.

Susan was proud at her achievement after her first day and was eager to tell Mum about the great audience of boys she attracted at school when showing off her skills.


Mother reminded her about exposing her panties of which Susan replied, "No Mum they were not seeing my panties."
...

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Mid 1800's, a Native American man leaves his people for the first time.

After a few day of wondering, he came across this small town. In this town was a saloon/brothel.

Upon entering the saloon, a lady of the night approached the traveler. "You look new to these parts honey."

"Mmm," say the traveler.

"Well, let me tell you all about our special," ...

What religion do ghosts practice?

Boo-ddhism

Cemeteries are great places to practice social distancing.

Everyone is always six feet away from you.

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