Due to health concerns, my doctor recommend I go on a strict vegetarian diet, and practice portion control.

I am happy to announce that I am down to one vegetarian a day, as they are surprisingly filling.

I'm not good with conversations, so I practice talking to large rocks

It makes me boulder

What school of magic does a Giraffe practice?

Neckromancy

They told me that it’ll take a few years before my medical practice gets off the ground.

But I don’t have the patients.

Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?

Because it didn't habanero.

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How do you practice safe sex?

By using the correct combination

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What do you call a horny emo who practices self-control?

An edgelord

What do you call an ostrich that practices dark magic?

An ostwitch!

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A band is practicing before the concert

The vocalist stops the rehearsal and says:
\-Tell the bass player that the bass is too quiet
The band continues to pratice and suddenly the vocalist stops the rehearsal again:
\-Tell the bass player that I can't hear him
The band continues practice once more, but the vocalist rea...

What insects practice witchcraft?

Covenants.

I went to the gym to practice my comedy routine but nobody found it funny.

It was a tough crowd.

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After weeks of practice, I finally beat my record for how far I can shoot my jizz.

I can’t believe how far I’ve come.

I remember the last time I had some target practice.

I took one shoot and then one of the store employees asked me to leave.

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How do morticians practice driving backwards?

They rehearse.

I'm Jewish and was asked if I was practicing.

I told him, no of course not. I was born Jewish, no need to practice it.

Practice makes a man perfect and a woman...

pregnant.

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What does a stripper do with her asshole before she goes to work?

She drops him off at band practice.

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The Blowjob Class

Chantelle and her man are happily married, but their adventurous days in bed are long gone. To boost their sex life, Chantelle decides to participate in a blowjob class.

In the first lesson, the instructor introduced herself: "My name is Monica and I am a blowjob expert. What you will learn i...

Some say we should end the practice of male circumcision

Personally I think they're making a mountain out of a mohel.

A Lesson in History

The king wanted to go fishing and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.

So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way they met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and the...

Using a cinnamon stick to stir your eggnog isn't a religious practice.

It's egg-nog-stick.

Sergeant: I didn’t see you at camouflage practice this morning Private!

Private: Yes Sir! Thank you sir!

So a doctor starts up a practice and decides to challenge himself, so he puts out a sign: "I'll cure any sickness for only $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $500!"

A lawyer sees the sign out front and decides this would be some easy fast cash so he goes in to see the doctor.

"Doctor I cant taste anything!"

Doctor says "nurse go grab vial 43!", she brings it and he puts two drops on the lawyer's tongue.

The lawyer quickly spits it out and s...

How do dentists practice what they do?

They run drills!

What do you call evil duck rituals?

Fowl practices!

Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a dog!

Unless it’s a repressed memory, I made this puppy up myself...

A woman walked into Dr Smith’s office and introduced herself.

“Hi, I’m Dr Yvette Tan, I’ve just become an accredited psychiatrist and would love to work as part of your medical practice”.

Despite some misgivings, D...

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A comprehensive observation about common religions and religious practices.

Jainism: You must not disturb shit

Bhuddism: You must become one with the shit.

Taoism: Shit happens

Shintoism: Our ancestors thought of this shit.

Hinduism: Eating meat makes you a shit person.

Paganism: Here's some shit that represents other shit.

Reform J...

Ricardo was a young Italian man.

He lived in Milan. On his 16th birthday his father Antonio, in a rite of passage, gave him a hunting rifle that was a family heirloom. The rifle had been handmade by Antonio’s father who founded the Rolle Carabiner Company after World War II. Ricardo cherished the rifle and he practiced with it o...

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15 minutes late...

A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One of them transfers to another city and they're lost without him.

A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if...

The neurosurgeon thinks he runs his practice very intelligently...

...but his patients are the real brains of the operation.

Couldn't sleep at all last night, just lay there listening to my wife's nose whistle.

Really wish she'd practice it somewhere else.

What do you call a Mennonite who only practices some of their traditions?

A Mennonlite

64AD: Nero bans the practice of christianity through the roman empire

christians: i can’t believe this

romans: correct

The gynecologist down the street is selling the upper floors of his practice...

...He only works in the downstairs area anyway...

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Mid 1800's, a Native American man leaves his people for the first time.

After a few day of wondering, he came across this small town. In this town was a saloon/brothel.

Upon entering the saloon, a lady of the night approached the traveler. "You look new to these parts honey."

"Mmm," say the traveler.

"Well, let me tell you all about our special," ...

what do you call a spine doctor who practices in Egypt?

a cairo-practor!

Please practice safe text.

Use a comma & you won’t miss a period.

My girlfriend has a tickle fetish, so I decided to practice on my coworkers

Unfortunately I was fired when my test-tickles were exposed to upper management.

During isolation I have a lot of time to practice my bowling..

There’s no rest for the wickets

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A product manager was asked by his son about his work. The father says, "My job is all about the difference between theory and practice." The child didn't understand, so the father said, "Let me give you an example:"

"Go ask your sister if she'd sleep with the neighbor for £1M". Kid goes, returns & says "she's not too happy to but she will for times are tough."

Then the father said: "Now go ask your mom that question" so the child goes, returns and says: "Mom's is not too happy to sleep with the neigh...

I don't practice "social distancing."

After 30 years of social anxiety and a deep disgust of humanity in general, I operate on an "expert" level.

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The Americans and The Japanese

The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced rowing hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile.

The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that th...

I suggested to my wife that we practice social distancing

She agreed, but wanted to call it a trial separation.

Genie in a glass bottle

One day a man was doing throwing practice with his wife while on a vacation, when suddenly he missed and the ball flew into a nearby house. They ran over when they heard glass breaking and saw a weird looking guy staring back.

The weird guy quickly came up to them and started thanking them, "...

Why can’t flat earthers practice social distancing?

They would run out of room and fall off the edge.

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Three Japanese men die in a horrible bus accident and go to the gates of heaven. St. Peter stops them at the gate, eyes them suspiciously and says "Boys, most Japanese practice Shinto or Buddhism. You're actually Christians?"

The three indignantly protest that they were raised in Christian families and have practiced the religion their entire lives. St. Peter says: "Ok, I'm going to ask you one question. If you get the one question correct, you will get to go into heaven." Excited about not going to hell, the three Japan...

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Jebediah the shepherd wanted to make a statement about bullying and stood up at the town meeting.

"Friends, there is a cruel and unfair practice that is infiltrating our community. You may not have noticed, but it is here and it is doing grave damage to my sense of well being and comfort in our beautiful village.

Perhaps Englebert has noticed? The man who bakes our bread every day, who f...

A priest goes out practice golfing and has an altar boy caddy for him.

Right off the first tee the priest immediately hooks the ball into a sand trap. He mutters, "God Dammit!!!" The shocked altar boy says, "Father! Isn't that blasphemy?" The priest says, "Awww I'm a priest, he'll forgive me."
On the second tee he hits a bad slice, the ball bounces off a tree and ...

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A boy asks his dad about the difference between theory and practice.

So the dad tells him to go and ask his sister, mother, and grandmother whether or not they would be willing to sleep with a man for 1 million dollars.

The boy asks his grandmother who says "for much less"

Then his mother who says "beats sleeping with that broke son of a bitch you call ...

My Grandad was the best drummer in the world

He used to practice 18 hours a day, seven days a week, every day of the year.
Morning, noon, and night he'd be banging away with his sticks, so dedicated he was, he didn't even have a set of drums, preferring instead to play on old biscuit tins, bottles, anything he could lay his hands on.
He ...

After years of practice, I've finally mastered cloning deer...

It's a great way to make a quick buck.

MOM: "No more TV until you finish your math homework!"

KID: "Aww, Mom! When am I ever gonna use math in real life? I'm gonna grow up to be a super rich rock star...I'll pay people to do math \*for\* me."
MOM: "Well, why didn't you say so? That's a wonderful goal! And I know exactly how to help you pursue it."


THE NEXT DAY
MOM:...

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Virgin Learns How to Have Sex - Dime, Dime, Quarter, Dollar...

A young virgin goes to a priest and confess that he's never had sex and is nervous about his wedding night. The priest reassures the man and tells him that he should go home and tape a dime to his left hip and practice moving his body to the side each time saying the word "Dime". So, the young man g...

Some law reinforcement have practiced for 20+ years

You'd think they'd have learned by now

Cemeteries are great places to practice social distancing.

Everyone is always six feet away from you.

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My wife is studying to become a massage therapist

All she wants to do is study and practice. I’ve got to cook, I’ve got to clean, it’s tough.

But I have to say, at the end of the day, it does feel nice to be kneaded

I have the worst neighbor in the World. He keeps on banging on the wall at 3:00 A.M.

It's really disrupting my drumming practice.

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why are black people so good at basketball?

because they practice

Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics?

because they practice at the best schools

After boasting to her mother about how great she is at doing head stands, Susan was advised not to practice it in her new school since her underwear is usually exposed.

Susan was proud at her achievement after her first day and was eager to tell Mum about the great audience of boys she attracted at school when showing off her skills.


Mother reminded her about exposing her panties of which Susan replied, "No Mum they were not seeing my panties."
...

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A group of five park wardens decided to start a band together...

... They all agreed on playing music of a rock subgerne kind, mixed in with symphonic elements, fantasy based subject matter and strong choruses. However they could not agree on a specific aesthetic, as each one of them turned up for their first practice session with a different color scheme.
...

You hear about the Anthrax scare at the Dallas Cowboys practice facility?

A white powder was found on the Dallas Cowboys practice field. The team offense had never seen anything like it.

Upon further inspection, it turned out to be the goal line.

Joke

Don’t join dangerous cults
Practice safe sects

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Why do Jews practice circumcision?

They can't resist 10% off.

What's the difference between a quilled mammal and your "practice tree?"

One's a porcupine, the other's a pine you pork.

What religion do ghosts practice?

Boo-ddhism

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