Practice Jokes - 67 Hilarious Practice Jokes

Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?

Because it didn't habanero.

What religion do they practice in Hell?

Crispianity.

Sergeant: “Smith! I didn’t see you at camouflage practice today!”

Private Smith: “Thank you, Sir!”

After boasting to her mother about how great she is at doing head stands, Susan was advised not to practice it in her new school since her underwear is usually exposed.

Susan was proud at her achievement after her first day and was eager to tell Mum about the great audience of boys she attracted at school when showing off her skills.

Mother reminded her about exposing her of which Susan replied, "No Mum they were not seeing my ."
...

Why do engineers have to practice their social skills?

So they don't forget either of them.

[Long]A squad of soldiers-in-training stood in line to get their practice weapons...

...for an upcoming simulated battle. As the last guy got up to the sergeant, the sergeant said, “sorry son, we’re all out. Take this broom instead.” The private looked puzzled so the sergeant explained, “When you see the enemy, point the broom at them and say ‘bangity, bangity, bang.’ Don’t worry, i...

Using a cinnamon stick to stir your eggnog isn't a religious practice.

It's egg-nog-stick.

My new neighbor practices the trumpet at 6 in the morning, then listens to thrash metal at max volume after midnight.

Don't worry though. I've let him know that if he stops doing the first thing, I'll let him stop the second too.

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A congressman's son asks his sister "what's the difference between theory and practice?"

She goes to their father and asks "hey dad, would you take a 10 million dollars donation to vote against a gun control law?"

"Yes, I think I can do a lot of good with this kind of money" the father replies.

"Now see?" she says to her brother, "In theory, we are multi millionaires. In p...

You know what religion they practice in the North Pole?

Santaria.

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My grandfather, an 83 year old doctor that still practices, sent me this jokes. Enjoy.

An old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar : COLD BEER: $2.00 HAMBURGER: $2.25 CHEESEBURGER: $2.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50 : $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure h...

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What does a stripper do to her before going to work?

Drops him off at band practice.

What martial art does Homer Simpson practice?

Jeet Kune D’oh!

Our bassist never shows up for practice

Mostly 'cause he can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.

A teenage cannibal came home one afternoon after football practice

and his Dad said, "You're late. Everybody's already eaten."

So a doctor starts up a practice

### So a doctor starts up a practice and decides to challenge himself, so he puts out a sign: "I'll cure any sickness for only $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $500!"

A lawyer sees the sign out front and decides this would be some easy fast cash so he goes in to see the doctor.

"Do...

My group mates told me to practice my lines for the school performance

Don't know why I got expelled. All I did was bring out a dollar bill and mom's credit card and did what I was told

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What do you call a flower that practices abstinence?

A Fuckmenot

A man walks into a monastery where the monks practice a regimen of strict silence.

Wishing to join their ranks, he agrees to the rules: silence is paramount, and it is forbidden to utter even a single unnecessary word.

After five years of utter silence, the man raises his hand at lunch, signaling for permission to speak. Permission is granted, and he says two words: “I’m co...

After earning his DDS; a dentist went and opened up his own practice.

He became widely known for his amazing skills, and was highly praised + recommended by every patient he ever had. One year; he was nominated for (and won) a prestigious medical award. Inscribed upon its ornate surface was his name and the specific honor: “Global Recognition of Outstanding Surgical S...

Giles was late for shooting practice so the Sergeant made him pretend he was holding a pistol and make "Pew pew" sounds.

Giles didn't want to make a fuss so he makes his hands into a pistol and starts saying "pew pew" while aiming.

But the idiot Giles was almost always late. So a lot of "pew pewing" was going on when he was practicing.

After 4 months, there's been an invasion and a full-blown war has s...

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How do morticians practice driving backwards?

They rehearse.

Please practice safe text.

Use a comma & you won’t miss a period.

I don't practice "social distancing."

After 30 years of social anxiety and a deep disgust of humanity in general, I operate on an "expert" level.

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I am sick of trying to figure out people who practice celibacy

I guess when all's said and done, they don't give a .

A lawyer calls up a plumber to come out to his house...

The plumber takes a look and says, OK, I can fix it today, and it will be $800.

The lawyer raises an eyebrow and asks, how long will it take? The plumber responds, "well, I need about an hour round trip to the supply house for a part, and then it should take me about an hour for the repair"<...

I dunno why my work has posters up saying 'practice social distancing'

I mean, do we really need more practice?

I figure we're all pretty good at it by now.

What school of magic does a Giraffe practice?

Neckromancy

I used to practice blackjack by using my bedroom wall as an opponent

I stopped when I realised the house always wins

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A man tries to clean his fake eye by licking it, but accidentally swallows it. He goes to the doctor in utter constipation seeking help.

The doctor tells the patient to bend over and cough, and promptly faints.

When he comes to, the nurse asks him what happened. "|'ve looked at quite a few arseholes in my practice" said the doctor, "first time ever an looked back!".

If "practice makes perfect", but "nobody is perfect"

Then I won't practice at all, it'll make me a nobody!

How do dentists practice what they do?

They run drills!

I'm Jewish and was asked if I was practicing.

I told him, no of course not. I was born Jewish, no need to practice it.

I'm not good with conversations, so I practice talking to large rocks

It makes me boulder

The practice of leaving the teacher speechless

Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home.

One boy throws his bag out the window.

Teacher: who just threw that?

Boy: Me! I’m going home now.

I remember the last time I had some target practice.

I took one shoot and then one of the store employees asked me to leave.

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A band is practicing before the concert

The vocalist stops the rehearsal and says:
\-Tell the bass player that the bass is too quiet
The band continues to pratice and suddenly the vocalist stops the rehearsal again:
\-Tell the bass player that I can't hear him
The band continues practice once more, but the vocalist rea...

The neurosurgeon thinks he runs his practice very intelligently...

...but his patients are the real brains of the operation.

A small town lawyer called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a 80 year old woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Singh, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Kulkarni. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not kn...

Some say we should end the practice of male circumcision

Personally I think they're making a mountain out of a mohel.

What's the difference between theory and practice?

Well, in theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice, there is.

Target practice

Out on the shooting range in an area where hunting is forbidden, I encounter two chinese gentleman curious about what happens at this place.

They politely ask if this is where they can shoot some rabbits. No no, I say, shooting rabbits is not legal here. You are only allowed to practice firin...

I’m looking for a sign language practice partner…

Could somebody lend me a hand?

OC by myself.

What do you call an ostrich that practices dark magic?

An ostwitch!

Why can’t flat earthers practice social distancing?

They would run out of room and fall off the edge.

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A comprehensive observation about common religions and religious practices.

Jainism: You must not disturb

Bhuddism: You must become one with the .

Taoism:

Shintoism: Our ancestors thought of this .

Hinduism: Eating meat makes you a person.

Paganism: Here's some that represents other .

Reform J...

Cemeteries are great places to practice social distancing.

Everyone is always six feet away from you.

64AD: Nero bans the practice of christianity through the roman empire

christians: i can’t believe this

romans: correct

I suggested to my wife that we practice social distancing

She agreed, but wanted to call it a trial separation.

"Taco Tuesday" is an illegal practice in China.

That's not true but I bet some of you believed it with how crazy it is over there.

Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics?

because they practice at the best schools

What do you call couples that practice pulling out as a method of contraception?

Parents.

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What do you call a emo who practices self-control?

An edgelord

Apple’s Hiring Practices

Apple realized they needed new programmers, so they began putting out word that they were seeking experienced workers. Unfortunately, due to the incompatibility between Microsoft and Apple products, they decided is was best to refrain from hiring former Microsoft employees. Their solution to weed th...

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What exercise can Olympic weightlifters still practice in the shower?

The Clean and Jerk.

I went to the gym to practice my comedy routine but nobody found it funny.

It was a tough crowd.

What is it called when witches practice their spells?

Hex-ercise

The gynecologist down the street is selling the upper floors of his practice...

...He only works in the downstairs area anyway...

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A boy asks his dad about the difference between theory and practice.

So the dad tells him to go and ask his sister, mother, and grandmother whether or not they would be willing to sleep with a man for 1 million dollars.

The boy asks his grandmother who says "for much less"

Then his mother who says "beats sleeping with that broke you call ...

what do you call a spine doctor who practices in Egypt?

a cairo-practor!

Some law reinforcement have practiced for 20+ years

You'd think they'd have learned by now

A Gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist ...

What type of medicine does Dr Pepper practice?

Fizzyology

Tennis players grunt too much when they practice...

There's no need for all that racket.

What type of fighting technique do amputees practice?

Partial arts.

Spelling practice

It is spelling lesson. The teacher asks the kids to spell different words.
-Emma, can you spell 'dog'?
-D O G
-Correct! Jake, can you spell 'cat'?
-C A T
-Correct! Now, Ahmed, can you spell 'racial discrimination'?

You hear about the Anthrax scare at the Dallas Cowboys practice facility?

A white powder was found on the Dallas Cowboys practice field. The team offense had never seen anything like it.

Upon further inspection, it turned out to be the goal line.

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