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Practice Jokes

Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?

Because it didn't habanero.

What religion do they practice in Hell?

Crispianity.

Sergeant: “Smith! I didn’t see you at camouflage practice today!”

Private Smith: “Thank you, Sir!”

After boasting to her mother about how great she is at doing head stands, Susan was advised not to practice it in her new school since her underwear is usually exposed.

Susan was proud at her achievement after her first day and was eager to tell Mum about the great audience of boys she attracted at school when showing off her skills.


Mother reminded her about exposing her panties of which Susan replied, "No Mum they were not seeing my panties."
...

Why do engineers have to practice their social skills?

So they don't forget either of them.

[Long]A squad of soldiers-in-training stood in line to get their practice weapons...

...for an upcoming simulated battle. As the last guy got up to the sergeant, the sergeant said, “sorry son, we’re all out. Take this broom instead.” The private looked puzzled so the sergeant explained, “When you see the enemy, point the broom at them and say ‘bangity, bangity, bang.’ Don’t worry, i...

Using a cinnamon stick to stir your eggnog isn't a religious practice.

It's egg-nog-stick.

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How do they practice safe sex in Wales?

They brand the sheep that kick.

I try not to criticize those who practice incest

After all, it's all relative.

My new neighbor practices the trumpet at 6 in the morning, then listens to thrash metal at max volume after midnight.

Don't worry though. I've let him know that if he stops doing the first thing, I'll let him stop the second too.

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A congressman's son asks his sister "what's the difference between theory and practice?"

She goes to their father and asks "hey dad, would you take a 10 million dollars donation to vote against a gun control law?"

"Yes, I think I can do a lot of good with this kind of money" the father replies.

"Now see?" she says to her brother, "In theory, we are multi millionaires. In p...

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After weeks of practice, I finally beat my record for how far I can shoot my jizz.

I can’t believe how far I’ve come.

You know what religion they practice in the North Pole?

Santaria.

My friend wants to be a famous jazz musician on his brass instrument but he never practices.

I told him his stage name could be “Rusty Trombone.”

Our bassist never shows up for practice

Mostly 'cause he can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.

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My grandfather, an 83 year old doctor that still practices, sent me this jokes. Enjoy.

An old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar : COLD BEER: $2.00 HAMBURGER: $2.25 CHEESEBURGER: $2.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50 HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure h...

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What does a stripper do to her asshole before going to work?

Drops him off at band practice.

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I use to practice sadism, necrophilia, and beastiality.

But I gave it all up when I realized I was beating a dead horse.

What martial art does Homer Simpson practice?

Jeet Kune D’oh!

Which beer cans do cops shoot at for target practice?

Black and tan.

A teenage cannibal came home one afternoon after football practice

and his Dad said, "You're late. Everybody's already eaten."

So a doctor starts up a practice

### So a doctor starts up a practice and decides to challenge himself, so he puts out a sign: "I'll cure any sickness for only $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $500!"

A lawyer sees the sign out front and decides this would be some easy fast cash so he goes in to see the doctor.


"Do...

My group mates told me to practice my lines for the school performance

Don't know why I got expelled. All I did was bring out a dollar bill and mom's credit card and did what I was told

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What do you call a flower that practices abstinence?

A Fuckmenot

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Practice!!!

A farmer sees an advertisement for a virile rooster and immediately buys it. Upon returning home it puts him into the hen pen and goes for his noon siesta.
Upon returning he finds that the roster has fucked every single one of the 50 hens. The farmer is shocked but satisfied that he'll have a ric...

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Two Muslim families move from Afghanistan to the US....

The fathers in each family make a bet to see who could be more Americanized after one year.

They meet a year later and the first father says, "I just took my son to baseball practice, had McDonalds for breakfast and I've racked up more debt than I'll ever be able to pay off."

The seco...

A man walks into a monastery where the monks practice a regimen of strict silence.

Wishing to join their ranks, he agrees to the rules: silence is paramount, and it is forbidden to utter even a single unnecessary word.

After five years of utter silence, the man raises his hand at lunch, signaling for permission to speak. Permission is granted, and he says two words: “I’m co...

After earning his DDS; a dentist went and opened up his own practice.

He became widely known for his amazing skills, and was highly praised + recommended by every patient he ever had. One year; he was nominated for (and won) a prestigious medical award. Inscribed upon its ornate surface was his name and the specific honor: “Global Recognition of Outstanding Surgical S...

Giles was late for shooting practice so the Sergeant made him pretend he was holding a pistol and make "Pew pew" sounds.

Giles didn't want to make a fuss so he makes his hands into a pistol and starts saying "pew pew" while aiming.

But the idiot Giles was almost always late. So a lot of "pew pewing" was going on when he was practicing.

After 4 months, there's been an invasion and a full-blown war has s...

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How do morticians practice driving backwards?

They rehearse.

Please practice safe text.

Use a comma & you won’t miss a period.

I don't practice "social distancing."

After 30 years of social anxiety and a deep disgust of humanity in general, I operate on an "expert" level.

I used to practice blackjack by using my bedroom wall as an opponent

I stopped when I realised the house always wins

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I am sick of trying to figure out people who practice celibacy

I guess when all's said and done, they don't give a fuck.

A lawyer calls up a plumber to come out to his house...

The plumber takes a look and says, OK, I can fix it today, and it will be $800.

The lawyer raises an eyebrow and asks, how long will it take? The plumber responds, "well, I need about an hour round trip to the supply house for a part, and then it should take me about an hour for the repair"<...

I dunno why my work has posters up saying 'practice social distancing'

I mean, do we really need more practice?

I figure we're all pretty good at it by now.

What school of magic does a Giraffe practice?

Neckromancy

I’m looking for a sign language practice partner…

Could somebody lend me a hand?

OC by myself.

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Why do Jews practice circumcision?

They can't resist 10% off.

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I like to practice safe sex

Why?

Because I'm a guy, and I'm smarter, obviously

What do women say, with their small brains, every time I put on a condom? What do they say, every time?

"Why are you wearing a condom when I'm fucking you with a strap on?"

"To be safe, bitch"

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A man tries to clean his fake eye by licking it, but accidentally swallows it. He goes to the doctor in utter constipation seeking help.

The doctor tells the patient to bend over and cough, and promptly faints.

When he comes to, the nurse asks him what happened. "|'ve looked at quite a few arseholes in my practice" said the doctor, "first time ever an arsehole looked back!".

If "practice makes perfect", but "nobody is perfect"

Then I won't practice at all, it'll make me a nobody!

How do dentists practice what they do?

They run drills!

I'm Jewish and was asked if I was practicing.

I told him, no of course not. I was born Jewish, no need to practice it.

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Practicing on the Old Oak Tree

On his 13th birthday, a boy says to his father, "Dad, I'm 13 now, and I think I'm old enough to be with a woman."

"Son, you're not ready yet, but I want you to practice everyday on the old oak tree in the yard. You'll be ready soon."

On his 16th birthday, the boy says to his father, "...

What's the difference between theory and practice?

Well, in theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice, there is.

I'm not good with conversations, so I practice talking to large rocks

It makes me boulder

The practice of leaving the teacher speechless

Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home.

One boy throws his bag out the window.

Teacher: who just threw that?

Boy: Me! I’m going home now.

I remember the last time I had some target practice.

I took one shoot and then one of the store employees asked me to leave.

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A band is practicing before the concert

The vocalist stops the rehearsal and says:
\-Tell the bass player that the bass is too quiet
The band continues to pratice and suddenly the vocalist stops the rehearsal again:
\-Tell the bass player that I can't hear him
The band continues practice once more, but the vocalist rea...

The neurosurgeon thinks he runs his practice very intelligently...

...but his patients are the real brains of the operation.

A small town lawyer called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a 80 year old woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Singh, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Kulkarni. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not kn...

Some say we should end the practice of male circumcision

Personally I think they're making a mountain out of a mohel.

Target practice

Out on the shooting range in an area where hunting is forbidden, I encounter two chinese gentleman curious about what happens at this place.

They politely ask if this is where they can shoot some rabbits. No no, I say, shooting rabbits is not legal here. You are only allowed to practice firin...

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How do Welsh farmers practice safe sex?

Spray a red 'X' on the back of ones that kick.

What do you call an ostrich that practices dark magic?

An ostwitch!

Why can’t flat earthers practice social distancing?

They would run out of room and fall off the edge.

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A comprehensive observation about common religions and religious practices.

Jainism: You must not disturb shit

Bhuddism: You must become one with the shit.

Taoism: Shit happens

Shintoism: Our ancestors thought of this shit.

Hinduism: Eating meat makes you a shit person.

Paganism: Here's some shit that represents other shit.

Reform J...

Cemeteries are great places to practice social distancing.

Everyone is always six feet away from you.

64AD: Nero bans the practice of christianity through the roman empire

christians: i can’t believe this

romans: correct

I suggested to my wife that we practice social distancing

She agreed, but wanted to call it a trial separation.

Where did the practice of bukake originate?

It comes from all over.

"Taco Tuesday" is an illegal practice in China.

That's not true but I bet some of you believed it with how crazy it is over there.

Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics?

because they practice at the best schools

What is it called when witches practice their spells?

Hex-ercise

What do you call couples that practice pulling out as a method of contraception?

Parents.

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What do you call a horny emo who practices self-control?

An edgelord

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Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English

Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English in three weeks.

After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more English by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to football practice and my daughter to dance class...

Apple’s Hiring Practices

Apple realized they needed new programmers, so they began putting out word that they were seeking experienced workers. Unfortunately, due to the incompatibility between Microsoft and Apple products, they decided is was best to refrain from hiring former Microsoft employees. Their solution to weed th...

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What exercise can Olympic weightlifters still practice in the shower?

The Clean and Jerk.

I went to the gym to practice my comedy routine but nobody found it funny.

It was a tough crowd.

The gynecologist down the street is selling the upper floors of his practice...

...He only works in the downstairs area anyway...

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A boy asks his dad about the difference between theory and practice.

So the dad tells him to go and ask his sister, mother, and grandmother whether or not they would be willing to sleep with a man for 1 million dollars.

The boy asks his grandmother who says "for much less"

Then his mother who says "beats sleeping with that broke son of a bitch you call ...

what do you call a spine doctor who practices in Egypt?

a cairo-practor!

Some law reinforcement have practiced for 20+ years

You'd think they'd have learned by now

A Gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist ...

What type of medicine does Dr Pepper practice?

Fizzyology

Tennis players grunt too much when they practice...

There's no need for all that racket.

What type of fighting technique do amputees practice?

Partial arts.

Spelling practice

It is spelling lesson. The teacher asks the kids to spell different words.
-Emma, can you spell 'dog'?
-D O G
-Correct! Jake, can you spell 'cat'?
-C A T
-Correct! Now, Ahmed, can you spell 'racial discrimination'?

What's the difference between a quilled mammal and your "practice tree?"

One's a porcupine, the other's a pine you pork.

You hear about the Anthrax scare at the Dallas Cowboys practice facility?

A white powder was found on the Dallas Cowboys practice field. The team offense had never seen anything like it.

Upon further inspection, it turned out to be the goal line.

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