My kids were asking me how democracy works, so I let them vote on dinner as a teaching exercise.They picked pizza..

.. but I made tacos, because they don't live in a swing state.

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly-squats

My 8 year old claims to have just made this up and it made me chuckle. I hope you enjoy too. What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?

What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?

Burpees

A group of soldiers on a first-aid course were tested by the instructor. He asked the recruits: 'If the sergeant major sustained a head injury during an exercise what would you do about it ?

One soldier said: 'I'd wrap a tourniquet around his neck and tighten it until the bleeding stopped.'

An exercise for people who are not in good shape.

Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to 10-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag ...

What is a ghost's favourite exercise?

Deadlifting

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Went to the doctors and asked, "What's the best exercise to lose weight?"

He said, "just shake your head"

I said, "How often?"

He replied, "whenever someone offers you food you fat cunt!"

Man to friend: " The doctor told my wife she should do some exercise."

Friend: "And is she doing this?
Man: "Well, she is - if jumping to conclusions and running up bills can be called exercise!"

I told my doctor "exercise is the best antidepressant available "

"Sounds like a bit of a stretch", he replied

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Little Johnny was in school one day and his teacher was doing a vocabulary exercise.

She asked the class "Okay, can anyone give me a sentence using the word dog?" well little Johnny's hand bolts straight up in the air and she knows he has something dirty to say. she decides to call on another student who also has his hand raised. "My dog sleeps in my bed!"

"good job!" says t...

What's a necrophiliac's favourite exercise?

Deadlifts

I always see people saying we need to exercise our rights...

But how come I never hear anyone talking about our lefts?

What does exercise have for breakfast?

Eggs!

(Courtesy of my 7 year old son...)

What kind of online exercise do sheep do together?

Zoom-BAAAAAH!

Why should you always pay a exorcist to exercise your home?

Because if you don’t, they will re-possess your house!

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On Exercising

1 - My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where in the worldl she is.

2 - The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

3 - I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven'...

A general is being driven in a jeep through the desert on the way to a training exercise.

Out in the middle of nowhere, the jeep breaks down. The female jeep driver jumps out, opens the hood and starts working on the engine. The general, wanting to be helpful, finds a toolbox in the back and opens it. "Do you want a screwdriver?" he asks.

"Might as well, it's going to be a while b...

I created a fetish exercise program, but I don’t know how to end it.

We are still working out the kinks.

I asked my girlfriend if she does any other exercises...

Other than jumping to conclusions.

I asked my wife for suggestions for a new exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”

I said, “That sounds ....like a big step.”

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I majored in Exercise Science in college..

In one of my earliest classes, my professor explained the principal of "use it or lose it". Basically, if you don't work out and stress your muscles and nervous system on a relatively frequent basis, as you get older your muscles, reflexes, and overall abilities will diminish over time. She tells th...

I think after the pandemic ends I'm still gonna wear masks when I exercise.

It's a bit of a running gag.

My PE teacher tried to make me exercise...

I told her you can’t make me do squat.

A blond was listening to breathing exercises on headphones and her boyfriend came up behind her and took them off her head.

She died.

What exercise do you do over calls?

Zoomba

New company sponsored exercise program

Now that we are all back at work from COVID, we have started a new exercise program. It includes such wonderful exercises as:
Running amok
Jumping to conclusions
Passing the buck
Point fingers
Climbing the walls
And my favorite exercise of all... diddly squats!

I've got an anti-exercise routine where I lie on the couch all day

I call it abs-tinence

Exercise for seniors

Just came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on to some of my younger friends. The article suggested doing it three days a week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have p...

Benchpressing is the best gym exercise hands down.

Hands up
Hands down
Hands up
Hands down

The United States, China and Russia are attending a military exercise competition

To see which army is the strongest, the United Nations placed three rabbits in three forests.the one spent least time and sent least soldiers wins.
On day one, the U.S. Army go first. They spent half a day meeting to formulate a battle plan, strictly divide the labor, and then sent a hundred spe...

A friend of mine used to be morbidly obese, but after lots of exercise and hard work...

We were able to lift his coffin.

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I've finally treated myself to one of those new exercise smartwatches.

So far I've wanked 15 miles

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I got told that having sex is the exercise equivalent of running two miles.

I don't believe it. Who the hell runs two miles in 30 seconds?!

Wanna know my favorite leg day exercise?

Skipping.

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I once taught a kindergarten class

I was briefed on one of the students, Timmy, who came from a rough family.

One day I decided to do an alphabet exercise where students would raise their hand to tell me a word that started with "A," then, "B," then, "C" and so on.

For, "A" Timmy had his hand up and he was very excitedl...

Sergeant says to the recruit

\- "I didn't see you during camouflaging exercise!"

\- "Thank you, Sir!"

I tried this new exercise called the cow stance

And I pulled my calf..

My wife caught me performing an action scene from The Matrix, but luckily she thought I was doing yoga exercise..

I just ~~dodge~~ dodged a bullet

I can't take my dog to the pond for exercise because the ducks keep attacking him

That's what you get for buying a pure bread dog

My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch.

I call it... Lunch.

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My doctor enquired if I was getting enough exercise. "Does sex count as exercise?" I asked. "Yes, it's a very good form of exercise" he replied.

"No then" I said

Have you guys seen that peloton commercial where the wife is super stoked to get an exercise bike for Christmas?

Also, does anybody have a couch I could crash on for a few days?

I dunno, seems like a joke to me

Never use poems in evil ways. Well I'm

gonna do exactly that. I might as well

give you the knowledge that

you will be pranked **hard**. So leave. Still reading? You don't give

up easily. You should've

never read this. Let me just tell you that you're

gonna h...

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A woman goes to her new gynaecologist and he says "My, what a big vagina you have!..."

"what did you say?" she replies


"Why it's the biggest I've ever seen!"


She stands up, slaps him around the face, storms out of the office, drives home, grabs the big mirror off the wall, sets it on the ground, pulls down her underwear and stands over to see for herself. ...

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A pilot, co-pilot and navigator were practicing training exercises over the Egyptian desert during the beginning of World War I when suddenly the engine died.

Unable to get the engine started again they all decide to parachute out before the plane crashed. Alone in the desert, they start walking back towards their base.

After a couple of hours walking they see a camel in the distance so they pick up their pace and sure enough eventually catch up w...

A little IDAHO HUMOR From John H. Hill

A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,

and finally they got married, and had a little sweet

potato, which they called 'Yam'.

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going...

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Lets go for a walk!

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor taught the women how to breathe and explained to the men how to give the necessary help and assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy. The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exer...

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Adulthood gives you 4 rights that you don't enjoy as a minor.

The powers are:

1. The right to drink
2. The right to drive
3. The right to vote
4. The right to fuck

But the catch is that you can only legally exercise one right at a time.

Drinking while driving, illegal.
Voting while fucking, DEFINITELY illegal.

Let's try ...

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My wife said we need to exercise more. My response was sex can be exercise.

Her response to that was exercise has to last more than five minutes for it to count!

Finally done some exercise

feels like a weight's been lifted

My doctor said I should exercise on top of a healthy diet.

But surely a treadmill would make more sense?

[Easter Joke] Q: What kind of exercise did Jesus do to get such good abs?

A: Crossfit

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They say that sex is the best form of exercise

Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every three months is going to shift this beer belly.

A woman gets her husband's test results

"Well", the doctor says, "your husband could get very old, but you have to keep an eye on him. He must not get agitated, for the least worry could worsen his heart condition. He needs to have a strict diet that you'll have to prepare for him, and you have to make sure he exercises. Keep anything awa...

Everyday I tell the wife I’m gonna do a few miles around the neighborhood for exercise. And I never do lol.

It’s a running joke I have

Voting is lopsided for left-handers

As they have exercised their rights.

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What exercise can Olympic weightlifters still practice in the shower?

The Clean and Jerk.

Where will Tekashi 6ix9ine have to go to exercise once he's released from prison?

Planet Witness

The blonde bought a gun.

She said it's the only time she can exercise her 2nd amendment and lose weight.

What's a pirate's favorite exercise?

The plank

I'm starting a gym where we bring exercise equipment right to your front door, whether you requested it or not.

I'm calling it "Jehovah's Fitness"

Wait a minute

Serious answer, here's the longest joke I know by heart.

Three men die and go to heaven. They meet St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter looks at his notebook, then back to them and says "we have something interesting here. All three of you died at roughly the same time and in roughly the ...

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An eighty-five year old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash and went to the Pearly Gates.

They had been in good health for the last ten years, mainly as a result of the wife's interest in healthy diets and exercise.

St. Peter welcomed them into Heaven and took them to their small palace in heaven- complete with a large bedroom, Jacuzzi, full kitchen, and billiards table. "How much...

[OC] A man wakes up one morning not feeling well.

He decides to go and see the doctor because he has some symptoms he’s heard are related to the virus all over the news. On the way to his appointment, his car breaks down and he has to walk the rest of the way. He’s exhausted by the time he finally arrives at the Doctor’s office, 15 minutes late....

I was in the gym with my personal trainer. He asked me if my family had any experience with exercise.

I said, "My father has a really impressive bench."

"Oh does he?" he asked. "I might have to see it some day."

He was quite surprised when I led him to the park.

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A woman wants to increase the size of her breasts.

So she goes to see Dr. Johnson who tells her she must do an exercise rhythmically and on a schedule of 10am and 2pm. He instructs her to bend each elbow one at a time and recite "If I do this as I must, I will increase my bust". She does this religiously twice a day for two weeks and sees some impr...

What do you call a girl that routinely does kegel exercises?

Jacked in the box

Exercise is like a drug to me

That’s why I’m drug free.

I don't exercise when I'm sick

My nose does the running for me

My girlfriend told me that our relationship is NOT exercise.

She said “this isn’t working out”.

How did Jesus exercise?

Crossfit

Everytime I see someone sitting on an exercise ball at work, I always want to stab them.

The person, not the ball.

What is Jesus's least favorite form of exercise?

CrossFit

A soldier was in an army training exercise but they ran out of guns

The soldier said to the guy handing out the paint ball guns “what am I going to do without a gun?” The man replied
“Just point at people and and say bang bang bang”
Without any other options he entered the battlefield.

The enemy rushed his trench and it seemed like all was lost, then h...

Feeling bad about not getting enough exercise?

Get a dog and name him “10 kilometres” so you can say you walk/run 10km every day.

(Doesn’t work in America though.)

Attempted to exercise this morning...

Didn't work out

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I like when Instagram models post their workout videos. It really gives me the drive and motivation to go and do my daily exercise:

Masturbate

I never thought I’d be the type of person to wake up at 5 in the morning to exercise.

I was right.

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Doctor: I'm sorry but your heart is going to fail... probably within next month.

Patient: oh!! Is there anything I can do?

Doc: well you have to quit smoking, no alcohol, only eat vegan food, absolutely no exercise at all, do not take any exciting activity, also try not to meet your friends, no internet, no computer games, and obviously no sex.

Pat: would I live lo...

I offered free exercise lessons for the homeless

now I’ve got 200 squatters!

What is Jesus's favourite way to exercise?

Cross fit!

Best things to say if you're caught sleeping on your desk...

“They told me at the blood bank this
might happen.”


“This is just a 15 minute power-nap as
described in that time management course you sent me.”


“Whew! Guess I left the top off
the White-Out You probably got here just in time!”


“I wasn’t sleepin...

My dad died because of a lack of exercise.

He didn't run when the bus was coming

How does pac-man exercise?

He WALKa-WALKa-WALKas

Which is better exercise, chasing a car or running away from one?

Chasing a car. After running from a car you'll just be tired, but after chasing one you'll be exhausted.

Where does a four hundred pound alien go for exercise?

Planet Fitness

St Peter was doing market research with the applicants at the Pearly Gates. Three men were awaiting entry.

"Cause of death?" St Peter asked the first.

"I suspected my wife was cheating on me," the first man replied, "so I came home early and burst into my apartment on the twenty-first floor. I ran into the bedroom and my wife was lying naked on the bed. I searched the apartment but found no-one. ...

Apparently people who exercise have been shown to recover better and be less at risk from mental health issues...

So who said you can't run away from your problems.

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Four friends have been doing really well in their Calculus class...

Four friends have been doing really well in their Calculus class: they have been getting top grades for their homework and on the midterm. So, when it's time for the final, they decide not to study on the weekend before, but to drive to another friend's birthday party in another city - even though t...

My wife started swimming for exercise...

she said it gave her a sense of porpoise.

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Johhny asks his teacher for help getting his shoes on

From the get go it is a struggle to get them on, and when his teacher reached the second shoe she is already out of breath. When she finally manages to get the second shoe on, Johhny looks at her and through his only four teeth says: "Mith, I think my feet are the wrong way round". She looks down an...

Exercise has helped with my depression immensely.

My wife started jogging a few months ago, and I feel far better about being seen with her.

Three young men walk into a bar and order a drink.

Three young men walk into a bar and order a drink. There is an older man sitting at a table in the corner who has clearly been drinking. He comes up to them and points to the man in the middle and says, "Hey you, I f***** your mom." He then goes back and sits down at his table.well the men are shock...

You can reduce your weight by one simple exercise of shaking your head horizontally.

Do it when you are offered food

I was depressed

People said exercise you will feel great.
I did.
Now I look RAD
Ripped and depressed

A quote from the guy who invented the stationary exercise bike...

"My life is going nowhere."

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They say that every time you have sex it's the same amount of exercise as running 5 miles

But I think that's bullshit because I've never run 5 miles in 30 seconds.

What kind of exercise did the ancient Romans do?

Pontius Pilates

I saw some exercise equipment by the side of the freeway the other day...

Someone had been trying to take it home but it didn’t work out.

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I’ve been trying to exercise more lately...

Today, my Apple Watch told me I masturbated three miles!

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A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem. The doctor asked her the usual questions and then asked her to go behind the screen and remove her clothes. She was a bit shocked but went ahead anyway.

When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front of and facing a full length mirror. The young woman was even more shocked but if it would help solve her problem she thought she had better do what the doctor said. As soon as she was in position the doctor asked her to open her legs...

A man was standing at the bus stop.

Suddenly he saw a very fit-looking old man.
He went to the old man,and said-

Man-'Sir,you look very fit. What's the secret of your looking so fit and young?'

Old man-'I smoke 30 cigars a day.
I drink 4-5 bottles of vodka daily,and I am a serious drug-addict.
And I hate doin...

The only things Americans exercise

Is their freedom of speech

A scientist figured out a way to freeze time.

It involved having to perform special exercise, because

the planks constant.

I exercise religiously

I go to the gym for an hour on Sunday morning and then don't think about it again for the rest of the week.

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific so I said

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

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During a recent study, almost 95% of participants preferred exercise to sex.

Because they all ran away when I offered.

Age is not an excuse. I just caught an 80-year-old man doing exercise down a hill.

He was very acrobatic too, doing flips in his wheelchair.

I get plenty of exercise.

I'm frequently jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.

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