This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why should you only exercise on Saturday and Sunday?

Because the other days are weak days.

I asked my wife for suggestions for a new exercise routine, and she said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”

I said, “That...sounds like a big step.”

An exercise for people who are out of shape:

Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potat...

I've been hiding from doing any exercise.

I'm in the fitness protection program.

My kids were asking me how democracy works, so I let them vote on dinner as a teaching exercise.They picked pizza..

.. but I made tacos, because they don't live in a swing state.

My 8 year old claims to have just made this up and it made me chuckle. I hope you enjoy too. What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?

What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?

Burpees

A group of soldiers on a first-aid course were tested by the instructor. He asked the recruits: 'If the sergeant major sustained a head injury during an exercise what would you do about it ?

One soldier said: 'I'd wrap a tourniquet around his neck and tighten it until the bleeding stopped.'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Went to the doctors and asked, "What's the best exercise to lose weight?"

He said, "just shake your head"

I said, "How often?"

He replied, "whenever someone offers you food you fat cunt!"

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly-squats

What do you call an exercise class instructed by a crazy person?

Psychokinetics

I did a lot of exercises today...

So my 2021 will have a sore start

Man to friend: " The doctor told my wife she should do some exercise."

Friend: "And is she doing this?
Man: "Well, she is - if jumping to conclusions and running up bills can be called exercise!"

I told my doctor "exercise is the best antidepressant available "

"Sounds like a bit of a stretch", he replied

What is a ghost's favourite exercise?

Deadlifting

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny was in school one day and his teacher was doing a vocabulary exercise.

She asked the class "Okay, can anyone give me a sentence using the word dog?" well little Johnny's hand bolts straight up in the air and she knows he has something dirty to say. she decides to call on another student who also has his hand raised. "My dog sleeps in my bed!"

"good job!" says t...

What's a necrophiliac's favourite exercise?

Deadlifts

I created a fetish exercise program, but I don’t know how to end it.

We are still working out the kinks.

A general is being driven in a jeep through the desert on the way to a training exercise.

Out in the middle of nowhere, the jeep breaks down. The female jeep driver jumps out, opens the hood and starts working on the engine. The general, wanting to be helpful, finds a toolbox in the back and opens it. "Do you want a screwdriver?" he asks.

"Might as well, it's going to be a while b...

I always see people saying we need to exercise our rights...

But how come I never hear anyone talking about our lefts?

What does exercise have for breakfast?

Eggs!

(Courtesy of my 7 year old son...)

What kind of online exercise do sheep do together?

Zoom-BAAAAAH!

Why should you always pay a exorcist to exercise your home?

Because if you don’t, they will re-possess your house!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On Exercising

1 - My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where in the worldl she is.

2 - The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

3 - I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven'...

I think after the pandemic ends I'm still gonna wear masks when I exercise.

It's a bit of a running gag.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I majored in Exercise Science in college..

In one of my earliest classes, my professor explained the principal of "use it or lose it". Basically, if you don't work out and stress your muscles and nervous system on a relatively frequent basis, as you get older your muscles, reflexes, and overall abilities will diminish over time. She tells th...

Exercise for seniors

Just came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on to some of my younger friends. The article suggested doing it three days a week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have p...

I asked my girlfriend if she does any other exercises...

Other than jumping to conclusions.

The United States, China and Russia are attending a military exercise competition

To see which army is the strongest, the United Nations placed three rabbits in three forests.the one spent least time and sent least soldiers wins.
On day one, the U.S. Army go first. They spent half a day meeting to formulate a battle plan, strictly divide the labor, and then sent a hundred spe...

My PE teacher tried to make me exercise...

I told her you can’t make me do squat.

A friend of mine used to be morbidly obese, but after lots of exercise and hard work...

We were able to lift his coffin.

A blond was listening to breathing exercises on headphones and her boyfriend came up behind her and took them off her head.

She died.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Basic training

A man joins the parachute regiment. After basic training he goes home to tell his dad about it.

“How did it go son?”

“Great up to the last exercise. We had to do a real jump with full kit. We were at 9,000 ft and I was the last to jump. When I got to the door I froze. The drill Sargen...

What exercise do you do over calls?

Zoomba

Wanna know my favorite leg day exercise?

Skipping.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've finally treated myself to one of those new exercise smartwatches.

So far I've wanked 15 miles

New company sponsored exercise program

Now that we are all back at work from COVID, we have started a new exercise program. It includes such wonderful exercises as:
Running amok
Jumping to conclusions
Passing the buck
Point fingers
Climbing the walls
And my favorite exercise of all... diddly squats!

I tried this new exercise called the cow stance

And I pulled my calf..

I've got an anti-exercise routine where I lie on the couch all day

I call it abs-tinence

Benchpressing is the best gym exercise hands down.

Hands up
Hands down
Hands up
Hands down

My wife caught me performing an action scene from The Matrix, but luckily she thought I was doing yoga exercise..

I just ~~dodge~~ dodged a bullet

My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch.

I call it... Lunch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, my sex life is not very good, I can’t perform very well in bed.”

The doctor says, “You don’t look very fit, are you getting any exercise?” The man replied that he wasn’t exercising at all, so the doctor said, “I want you to walk 5 miles a day, then call me in a week and tell me if things have improved.” The man calls the doctor a week later and the doctor says, “...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor enquired if I was getting enough exercise. "Does sex count as exercise?" I asked. "Yes, it's a very good form of exercise" he replied.

"No then" I said

A mother was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school alone

He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She knew she needed to give him the feeling that he had some independence, but at the same time she wanted him to feel safe. So, she came up with an idea that would satisfy both objectives. She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would follow her son...

Have you guys seen that peloton commercial where the wife is super stoked to get an exercise bike for Christmas?

Also, does anybody have a couch I could crash on for a few days?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pilot, co-pilot and navigator were practicing training exercises over the Egyptian desert during the beginning of World War I when suddenly the engine died.

Unable to get the engine started again they all decide to parachute out before the plane crashed. Alone in the desert, they start walking back towards their base.

After a couple of hours walking they see a camel in the distance so they pick up their pace and sure enough eventually catch up w...

My doctor said I should exercise on top of a healthy diet.

But surely a treadmill would make more sense?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say that sex is the best form of exercise

Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every three months is going to shift this beer belly.

[Easter Joke] Q: What kind of exercise did Jesus do to get such good abs?

A: Crossfit

I can't take my dog to the pond for exercise because the ducks keep attacking him

That's what you get for buying a pure bread dog

Everyday I tell the wife I’m gonna do a few miles around the neighborhood for exercise. And I never do lol.

It’s a running joke I have

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said we need to exercise more. My response was sex can be exercise.

Her response to that was exercise has to last more than five minutes for it to count!

I'm starting a gym where we bring exercise equipment right to your front door, whether you requested it or not.

I'm calling it "Jehovah's Fitness"

Finally done some exercise

feels like a weight's been lifted

Sergeant says to the recruit

\- "I didn't see you during camouflaging exercise!"

\- "Thank you, Sir!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What exercise can Olympic weightlifters still practice in the shower?

The Clean and Jerk.

In German Prisoner-of-War camps, escapes were a a major problem.

The officers would try to break the prisoners’ spirits by making them do mindless things. In particular, they would make the prisoners stand in a line and all move their heads like a clock back and forth and say, ‘tick tock tick tock.’

Some prisoners, unable to escape or otherwise change thei...

What's a pirate's favorite exercise?

The plank

A man living in Trenton goes to his doctor.

The doctor tells the man that he needs to exercise more, and tells him to walk two miles a day. About a month later, the man calls his doctor. “I’m in New York. What do I do now?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once taught a kindergarten class

I was briefed on one of the students, Timmy, who came from a rough family.

One day I decided to do an alphabet exercise where students would raise their hand to tell me a word that started with "A," then, "B," then, "C" and so on.

For, "A" Timmy had his hand up and he was very excitedl...

Ever heard of the priest who moonlights as a fitness instructor?

He exercises demons.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This man’s body parts having a meeting to decide how to survive the pandemic.

Brain has the chair.

He starts: Ok Everyone. Things looking bleak: a deadly virus is going around, the master is sitting home all day and not getting enough sun or exercise, he lost his job and started drinking – so The hard times are ahead. We need to get together and think how we can survi...

What do you call a girl that routinely does kegel exercises?

Jacked in the box

I was in the gym with my personal trainer. He asked me if my family had any experience with exercise.

I said, "My father has a really impressive bench."

"Oh does he?" he asked. "I might have to see it some day."

He was quite surprised when I led him to the park.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman goes to her new gynaecologist and he says "My, what a big vagina you have!..."

"what did you say?" she replies


"Why it's the biggest I've ever seen!"


She stands up, slaps him around the face, storms out of the office, drives home, grabs the big mirror off the wall, sets it on the ground, pulls down her underwear and stands over to see for herself. ...

Exercise is like a drug to me

That’s why I’m drug free.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An eighty-five year old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash and went to the Pearly Gates.

They had been in good health for the last ten years, mainly as a result of the wife's interest in healthy diets and exercise.

St. Peter welcomed them into Heaven and took them to their small palace in heaven- complete with a large bedroom, Jacuzzi, full kitchen, and billiards table. "How much...

A soldier was in an army training exercise but they ran out of guns

The soldier said to the guy handing out the paint ball guns “what am I going to do without a gun?” The man replied
“Just point at people and and say bang bang bang”
Without any other options he entered the battlefield.

The enemy rushed his trench and it seemed like all was lost, then h...

My girlfriend told me that our relationship is NOT exercise.

She said “this isn’t working out”.

How did Jesus exercise?

Crossfit

What is Jesus's least favorite form of exercise?

CrossFit

Did you hear about the government plan to get overweight people to exercise?

It didn't work out.

A little IDAHO HUMOR From John H. Hill

A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,

and finally they got married, and had a little sweet

potato, which they called 'Yam'.

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going...

I don't exercise when I'm sick

My nose does the running for me

I dunno, seems like a joke to me

Never use poems in evil ways. Well I'm

gonna do exactly that. I might as well

give you the knowledge that

you will be pranked **hard**. So leave. Still reading? You don't give

up easily. You should've

never read this. Let me just tell you that you're

gonna h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Adulthood gives you 4 rights that you don't enjoy as a minor.

The powers are:

1. The right to drink
2. The right to drive
3. The right to vote
4. The right to fuck

But the catch is that you can only legally exercise one right at a time.

Drinking while driving, illegal.
Voting while fucking, DEFINITELY illegal.

Let's try ...

Feeling bad about not getting enough exercise?

Get a dog and name him “10 kilometres” so you can say you walk/run 10km every day.

(Doesn’t work in America though.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lets go for a walk!

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor taught the women how to breathe and explained to the men how to give the necessary help and assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy. The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exer...

What is Jesus's favourite way to exercise?

Cross fit!

I never thought I’d be the type of person to wake up at 5 in the morning to exercise.

I was right.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I like when Instagram models post their workout videos. It really gives me the drive and motivation to go and do my daily exercise:

Masturbate

i don't want to do a few small exercises before I go workout

It's a stretch

[OC] A man wakes up one morning not feeling well.

He decides to go and see the doctor because he has some symptoms he’s heard are related to the virus all over the news. On the way to his appointment, his car breaks down and he has to walk the rest of the way. He’s exhausted by the time he finally arrives at the Doctor’s office, 15 minutes late....

Which is better exercise, chasing a car or running away from one?

Chasing a car. After running from a car you'll just be tired, but after chasing one you'll be exhausted.

The blonde bought a gun.

She said it's the only time she can exercise her 2nd amendment and lose weight.

My dad died because of a lack of exercise.

He didn't run when the bus was coming

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman wants to increase the size of her breasts.

So she goes to see Dr. Johnson who tells her she must do an exercise rhythmically and on a schedule of 10am and 2pm. He instructs her to bend each elbow one at a time and recite "If I do this as I must, I will increase my bust". She does this religiously twice a day for two weeks and sees some impr...

I offered free exercise lessons for the homeless

now I’ve got 200 squatters!

A woman gets her husband's test results

"Well", the doctor says, "your husband could get very old, but you have to keep an eye on him. He must not get agitated, for the least worry could worsen his heart condition. He needs to have a strict diet that you'll have to prepare for him, and you have to make sure he exercises. Keep anything awa...

My wife started swimming for exercise...

she said it gave her a sense of porpoise.

How does pac-man exercise?

He WALKa-WALKa-WALKas

Wait a minute

Serious answer, here's the longest joke I know by heart.

Three men die and go to heaven. They meet St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter looks at his notebook, then back to them and says "we have something interesting here. All three of you died at roughly the same time and in roughly the ...

Where does a four hundred pound alien go for exercise?

Planet Fitness

Apparently people who exercise have been shown to recover better and be less at risk from mental health issues...

So who said you can't run away from your problems.

You can reduce your weight by one simple exercise of shaking your head horizontally.

Do it when you are offered food

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say that every time you have sex it's the same amount of exercise as running 5 miles

But I think that's bullshit because I've never run 5 miles in 30 seconds.

A quote from the guy who invented the stationary exercise bike...

"My life is going nowhere."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve been trying to exercise more lately...

Today, my Apple Watch told me I masturbated three miles!

What kind of exercise did the ancient Romans do?

Pontius Pilates

I exercise religiously

I go to the gym for an hour on Sunday morning and then don't think about it again for the rest of the week.

I saw some exercise equipment by the side of the freeway the other day...

Someone had been trying to take it home but it didn’t work out.

The only things Americans exercise

Is their freedom of speech

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During a recent study, almost 95% of participants preferred exercise to sex.

Because they all ran away when I offered.

Trump did a better job getting people to exercise in 1 month than Michelle Obama did in 8 years

Look at all those protesters on the streets!

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.