UPJOKE
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Why are cheetahs great to exercise with?

Because they will spot you at the gym!

Who named them Kegel exercises….

and not “puss-ups”?

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LPT: If You're unhappy with your life, remember it's a question of perspective, my friend has sex 2-3 times a day, exercises daily, reads two books weekly, but he's still complaining about his life

...in prison

Did you hear about the man who went out for some exercise and ended up robbing a Chinese restaurant?

Police say he told his wife he was just going to take a wok.

I started a new exercise routine this week

I do 100 crunches in the morning and again in the evening

My favourites are Doritos cheese supreme and Lays original

swimmimg regularly is great for exercise

The trick is to swim like a dolphin - playfully but with a sense of porpoise.

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly squats.

the say the average redditor doesn't exercise, but they're wrong!

I just spent an hour jumping *to conclusions* and running *my mouth*!

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Three Soviet generals wager who has bravest soldiers

Soviet army organizes a large military exercise. Three high-ranking officers - an army general, a navy admiral and an air force commander watch the war games from an observation bunker, drink vodka and argue who has bravest men. They can not reach a conclusion, so the army general calls his troops a...

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I have a friend who has sex three or four times a week, exercises for an hour everyday, reads several books a week, and his "wife" does whatever he tells her to...

... and all he does is complain about prison

Where do obstetricians exercise?

At the OB-GYM

I exercise running up the street knocking on all the doors.

Jehovah's Fitness.

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In my past life, I was a message delivery man in an army base

One day, I got a letter for Bravo Company, and took off to deliver it as quickly as I could. When I found them they were doing exercises in one of the yards, I walked up to the sergeant to deliver the message.

He took the letter, read it over, folded it and put it in his pocket. Then he yell...

My new diet and exercise program requires me to not eat for 24 hrs and maintain an erection

It’s a hard and fast rule

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I had just joined a gym 2 days ago.

I joined a gym to get in shape. Hired a personal trainer to be supervised throughout my time in the gym.

He taught me some basic exercises. Day 1 was good.

The next day, there was so much pain. I went to the gym and barely got started when he came and asked -

"Are you feeling a...

My doctor told me to drink less, sleep more, eat healthy & exercise everyday. So today I'm making a big change in my life.

I'm no longer going to that doctor.

An exercise for people who are out of shape:

Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potat...

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Why should you only exercise on Saturday and Sunday?

Because the other days are weak days.

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A Russian soldier is assigned to the training exercise

A Russian soldier is assigned to a squad near the front of the training exercise to replace a fallen komrat. He is warned that the training is hard with many death, and the squad members are a bit excentric, so he should just try to fit in.


He arrives to a camp of about 10 men and a cou...

My wife told me last week that I needed to exercise more and do lunges.

But that’s a huge step forward.

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Simple food?

A number of men gathered in the smoking car of a train were talking of the food best calculated to sustain health.

One stout, florid man, with short, gray hair and a self-satisfied air, was holding forth in great style.

"Look at me!" he exclaimed. "Never had a day's sickness in my lif...

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I get free food, a bunk bed, I get a lot of exercise and sex everyday. What's not to like, right? Well....

I can't wait to get out of prison.

The Boy who Speaks in Coffee

There was once an Italian boy who was born to a pair of baristas. Unfortunately, he was born with a mental defect which meant that his vocabulary would be formed very early, and would be highly associative. As his parents worked around the clock to support their new son, his vocabulary quickly becam...

I asked my wife for suggestions for a new exercise routine, and she said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”

I said, “That...sounds like a big step.”

Lamaze

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing.The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.The teacher then announced, “Ladies, exercise is ...

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Little Johnny and the Alphabet

Little Johnny’s teacher announces to the class, “For today’s exercise, I will go through the alphabet and for each letter, select a student to share a word that begins with that letter.”

She scans the class and begins, “The first letter is A.”

Several students raise their hands, includ...

Two cavemen are lamenting their situation in a cave. One tells the other the following:

*"Something's just not right. Our air is clean, our water is pure, we all get plenty of exercise, everything we eat is organic and free-range, and yet nobody lives past thirty."*

I'm starting a gym where we bring exercise equipment right to your front door, whether you requested it or not.

I'm calling it "Jehovah's Fitness"

I'm sick and tired of this "everybody wins" mentality kids have these days.

Seriously, they never exercise, lie in bed 12 hours a day, and sit down far more often than they stand up. And they still get atrophy.

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Went to the doctors and asked, "What's the best exercise to lose weight?"

He said, "just shake your head"

I said, "How often?"

He replied, "whenever someone offers you food you fat cunt!"

After World War II, as part of an exercise in comparative doctrine, three mid-ranking officers were asked...

>"Please give your response, in the context of your wartime service, to an infantryman's query "what happens if we run out of ammunition?".

The British officer gave some nonsense about maintaining a stiff upper lip and leading a singalong.

The German officer explained that he would ...

What happens to a book when it starts to exercise a lot?

It gets ripped.

Never date someone who exercises to relieve stress…

They’ll run when it gets hard.

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A Newly wed young man gets enrolled in the army

Upon arrival at the border, he goes silent and depressed as he hasn't even gone through his honeymoon phase. He doesn't participate in any group conversations nor he has any friends there. Things get too gloomy for him.
Upon noticing this, his fellow soldiers in attempt to cheer him up ask him t...

As well as exercise equipment, Christie Brinkley is now doing advertising for a bicycle parts company.

She's their new spokes model.

Doctor: how often do you exercise? Me: 3 times Doctor: A week? A month?

Me: I have given my answer

The laws to get to heaven are new!

They changed the rules to get into heaven and get passed Saint Peter and the pearly gates; you just need to have died in an interesting way.

So three men show up before Peter. Peter asks the first man how did you die?

Man says "well you see i live on the 22nd floor of a high rise apart...

I told my doctor "exercise is the best antidepressant available "

"Sounds like a bit of a stretch", he replied

A group of soldiers on a first-aid course were tested by the instructor. He asked the recruits: 'If the sergeant major sustained a head injury during an exercise what would you do about it ?

One soldier said: 'I'd wrap a tourniquet around his neck and tighten it until the bleeding stopped.'

I created a fetish exercise program, but I don’t know how to end it.

We are still working out the kinks.

I think after the pandemic ends I'm still gonna wear masks when I exercise.

It's a bit of a running gag.

Exercise for seniors

Just came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on to some of my younger friends. The article suggested doing it three days a week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have p...

My 8 year old claims to have just made this up and it made me chuckle. I hope you enjoy too. What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?

What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?

Burpees

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I have a HEALTHY porn addiction.

By healthy..... I mean, it's my #1 source of exercise.

Wanna know my favorite leg day exercise?

Skipping.

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Little Johnny was in school one day and his teacher was doing a vocabulary exercise.

She asked the class "Okay, can anyone give me a sentence using the word dog?" well little Johnny's hand bolts straight up in the air and she knows he has something dirty to say. she decides to call on another student who also has his hand raised. "My dog sleeps in my bed!"

"good job!" says t...

Man to friend: " The doctor told my wife she should do some exercise."

Friend: "And is she doing this?
Man: "Well, she is - if jumping to conclusions and running up bills can be called exercise!"

The Test

This joke was told to me 20 years ago by a friend of my Dad’s.

The President of the USA decides to run an exercise to test the effectiveness of the CIA, the FBI and the LAPD with a simple task - a bunny rabbit will be let loose in a designated forest and he will send in one agency at a time ...

A friend of mine used to be morbidly obese, but after lots of exercise and hard work...

We were able to lift his coffin.

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I've finally treated myself to one of those new exercise smartwatches.

So far I've wanked 15 miles

I've been hiding from doing any exercise.

I'm in the fitness protection program.

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They say that sex is the best form of exercise

Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every three months is going to shift this beer belly.

[Easter Joke] Q: What kind of exercise did Jesus do to get such good abs?

A: Crossfit

My doctor said I should exercise on top of a healthy diet.

But surely a treadmill would make more sense?

I tried this new exercise called the cow stance

And I pulled my calf..

I asked my girlfriend if she does any other exercises...

Other than jumping to conclusions.

Everyday I tell the wife I’m gonna do a few miles around the neighborhood for exercise. And I never do lol.

It’s a running joke I have

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My doctor enquired if I was getting enough exercise. "Does sex count as exercise?" I asked. "Yes, it's a very good form of exercise" he replied.

"No then" I said

What is a ghost's favourite exercise?

Deadlifting

What's a necrophiliac's favourite exercise?

Deadlifts

What do you call an exercise class instructed by a crazy person?

Psychokinetics

A general is being driven in a jeep through the desert on the way to a training exercise.

Out in the middle of nowhere, the jeep breaks down. The female jeep driver jumps out, opens the hood and starts working on the engine. The general, wanting to be helpful, finds a toolbox in the back and opens it. "Do you want a screwdriver?" he asks.

"Might as well, it's going to be a while b...

I always see people saying we need to exercise our rights...

But how come I never hear anyone talking about our lefts?

The United States, China and Russia are attending a military exercise competition

To see which army is the strongest, the United Nations placed three rabbits in three forests.the one spent least time and sent least soldiers wins.
On day one, the U.S. Army go first. They spent half a day meeting to formulate a battle plan, strictly divide the labor, and then sent a hundred spe...

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

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I used to bartend for this popular place off a rural highway in my state…

I used to bartend for this popular place off a rural highway in my state. It marketed itself as a tavern, to get tourists to come in and buy a bite to eat, but the locals knew it by the name of the former owner, Pete.

Pete had died a few years before I started working there. His younger broth...

What kind of online exercise do sheep do together?

Zoom-BAAAAAH!

Education

As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in several night time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School. He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so I struck up a conversation. "Scared, Lieutenant? ", I asked. He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive. "I asked, "W...

What does exercise have for breakfast?

Eggs!

(Courtesy of my 7 year old son...)

My PE teacher tried to make me exercise...

I told her you can’t make me do squat.

Have you guys seen that peloton commercial where the wife is super stoked to get an exercise bike for Christmas?

Also, does anybody have a couch I could crash on for a few days?

Why should you always pay a exorcist to exercise your home?

Because if you don’t, they will re-possess your house!

My wife caught me performing an action scene from The Matrix, but luckily she thought I was doing yoga exercise..

I just ~~dodge~~ dodged a bullet

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My wife said we need to exercise more. My response was sex can be exercise.

Her response to that was exercise has to last more than five minutes for it to count!

A soldier was in an army training exercise but they ran out of guns

The soldier said to the guy handing out the paint ball guns “what am I going to do without a gun?” The man replied
“Just point at people and and say bang bang bang”
Without any other options he entered the battlefield.

The enemy rushed his trench and it seemed like all was lost, then h...

62-year old Walter was in Dr. Miller's exam room for his annual checkup...

As the exam came to a close the doctor asked if Walter had any other questions about his health.

"Well, Doc, I've gained a bit more weight in the midsection, y'see, and, uh, when I look down I...well..I can't see the ol' captain anymore, if you know what I mean. What do you recommend?"
...

I've got an anti-exercise routine where I lie on the couch all day

I call it abs-tinence

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I majored in Exercise Science in college..

In one of my earliest classes, my professor explained the principal of "use it or lose it". Basically, if you don't work out and stress your muscles and nervous system on a relatively frequent basis, as you get older your muscles, reflexes, and overall abilities will diminish over time. She tells th...

What is Jesus's least favorite form of exercise?

CrossFit

I did a lot of exercises today...

So my 2021 will have a sore start

Which is better exercise, chasing a car or running away from one?

Chasing a car. After running from a car you'll just be tired, but after chasing one you'll be exhausted.

My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch.

I call it... Lunch.

What exercise do you do over calls?

Zoomba

What's a pirate's favorite exercise?

The plank

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SUMMER CAMP FOR Husbands. Evening classes for men. Starting this month.

*Summer camp*

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of the content, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each.

*Topic 1.*
How to fill ice-cube trays and why to fill water bottles before putting them back in the fridge.
Step by step with slide pre...

Attempted to exercise this morning...

Didn't work out

My wife started swimming for exercise...

she said it gave her a sense of porpoise.

I can't take my dog to the pond for exercise because the ducks keep attacking him

That's what you get for buying a pure bread dog

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On Exercising

1 - My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where in the worldl she is.

2 - The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

3 - I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven'...

What do you call a girl that routinely does kegel exercises?

Jacked in the box

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They say that every time you have sex it's the same amount of exercise as running 5 miles

But I think that's bullshit because I've never run 5 miles in 30 seconds.

Three College Graduates in McDonald's

Three recent college graduates met in McDonald's, and the engineering major said, "Did you see the new wind turbines going up on the east side of town? They had asked our class to run some stress studies during windstorms as an exercise".

"Yes", the geology graduate said, "They also contacte...

A blond was listening to breathing exercises on headphones and her boyfriend came up behind her and took them off her head.

She died.

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What exercise can Olympic weightlifters still practice in the shower?

The Clean and Jerk.

You can reduce your weight by one simple exercise of shaking your head horizontally.

Do it when you are offered food

Thanks to a very healthy lifestyle, a married couple live well into their 100s

One day they are both killed in a tragic accident, and go to heaven.

On the first morning, they go up to God and ask where the gym is. "Gym?" God replies, "you don't need to go to the gym here, you'll always be in perfect shape even if you never exercise." The wife says how nice that is, but...

My dad died because of a lack of exercise.

He didn't run when the bus was coming

My girlfriend told me that our relationship is NOT exercise.

She said “this isn’t working out”.

Exercise is like a drug to me

That’s why I’m drug free.

I don't exercise when I'm sick

My nose does the running for me

I exercise religiously

I go to the gym for an hour on Sunday morning and then don't think about it again for the rest of the week.

Finally done some exercise

feels like a weight's been lifted

I was in the gym with my personal trainer. He asked me if my family had any experience with exercise.

I said, "My father has a really impressive bench."

"Oh does he?" he asked. "I might have to see it some day."

He was quite surprised when I led him to the park.

Feeling bad about not getting enough exercise?

Get a dog and name him “10 kilometres” so you can say you walk/run 10km every day.

(Doesn’t work in America though.)

I never thought I’d be the type of person to wake up at 5 in the morning to exercise.

I was right.

A cloning experiment gone wrong

A laboratory, hidden from public knowledge, secretly worked on the cloning of humans. Of course, human cloning being illegal, their staff was limited to a select few that had both the credentials and the disregard for rules that was considered essential to be a successful researcher at the facility....

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A pilot, co-pilot and navigator were practicing training exercises over the Egyptian desert during the beginning of World War I when suddenly the engine died.

Unable to get the engine started again they all decide to parachute out before the plane crashed. Alone in the desert, they start walking back towards their base.

After a couple of hours walking they see a camel in the distance so they pick up their pace and sure enough eventually catch up w...

I offered free exercise lessons for the homeless

now I’ve got 200 squatters!

Did you hear about the government plan to get overweight people to exercise?

It didn't work out.

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A man with a tendency to over-explain things lays on his therapist's couch.

The therapist says “I have a new exercise for you today. Instead of spending an hour talking about your day, try to tell me the essentials of what happened in one breath.”
The patient agrees and takes a deep breath

“So they cast Callie Hernandez as Supergirl and I’m not sure if it was th...

I want to lose some weight

But I don't want to get caught up in one of those eat right and exercise scams.

Apparently people who exercise have been shown to recover better and be less at risk from mental health issues...

So who said you can't run away from your problems.

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During a recent study, almost 95% of participants preferred exercise to sex.

Because they all ran away when I offered.

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