What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly squats.

My doctor told me to drink less, sleep more, eat healthy & exercise everyday. So today I'm making a big change in my life.

I'm no longer going to that doctor.

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I get free food, a bunk bed, I get a lot of exercise and sex everyday. What's not to like, right? Well....

I can't wait to get out of prison.

The Test

This joke was told to me 20 years ago by a friend of my Dad’s.

The President of the USA decides to run an exercise to test the effectiveness of the CIA, the FBI and the LAPD with a simple task - a bunny rabbit will be let loose in a designated forest and he will send in one agency at a time ...

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Why should you only exercise on Saturday and Sunday?

Because the other days are weak days.

After World War II, as part of an exercise in comparative doctrine, three mid-ranking officers were asked...

>"Please give your response, in the context of your wartime service, to an infantryman's query "what happens if we run out of ammunition?".

The British officer gave some nonsense about maintaining a stiff upper lip and leading a singalong.

The German officer explained that he would ...

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Went to the doctors and asked, "What's the best exercise to lose weight?"

He said, "just shake your head"

I said, "How often?"

He replied, "whenever someone offers you food you fat cunt!"

Never date someone who exercises to relieve stress…

They’ll run when it gets hard.

My wife told me last week that I needed to exercise more and do lunges.

But that’s a huge step forward.

What happens to a book when it starts to exercise a lot?

It gets ripped.

I asked my wife for suggestions for a new exercise routine, and she said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”

I said, “That...sounds like a big step.”

As well as exercise equipment, Christie Brinkley is now doing advertising for a bicycle parts company.

She's their new spokes model.

Deep in the arctic, a fortress sits. This is Legion Prison, where all Supervillains are jailed.

And the Warden is having a very difficult time. In the beginning, it wasn’t so hard. A handful of villains can’t get up to too much trouble without their tools and weapon.

But as the prison filled up, things began to get more difficult.

MechaSlayer kept trying to fight Robo-Con.
...

How to increase your strength

An exercise for people who are out of shape: Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try t...

Doctor: how often do you exercise? Me: 3 times Doctor: A week? A month?

Me: I have given my answer

Thanks to a very healthy lifestyle, a married couple live well into their 100s

One day they are both killed in a tragic accident, and go to heaven.

On the first morning, they go up to God and ask where the gym is. "Gym?" God replies, "you don't need to go to the gym here, you'll always be in perfect shape even if you never exercise." The wife says how nice that is, but...

A group of soldiers on a first-aid course were tested by the instructor. He asked the recruits: 'If the sergeant major sustained a head injury during an exercise what would you do about it ?

One soldier said: 'I'd wrap a tourniquet around his neck and tighten it until the bleeding stopped.'

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

My 8 year old claims to have just made this up and it made me chuckle. I hope you enjoy too. What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?

What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?

Burpees

I thought about running for president

But I figured he should do his own exercise.

Why'd the CEO of Peloton quit?

He got tired of Peddling exercise bikes.

I told my doctor "exercise is the best antidepressant available "

"Sounds like a bit of a stretch", he replied

Jack loved cake...

Jack loved cake so much that every morning he would drive to the local bakery to get a piece.

Jack was married to Edith who did not like cake. She also didn't like how fat Jack was getting. Worried for his health, Edith eventually gave an ultimatum. Jack either had to give up the cake or she...

Man to friend: " The doctor told my wife she should do some exercise."

Friend: "And is she doing this?
Man: "Well, she is - if jumping to conclusions and running up bills can be called exercise!"

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Little Johnny was in school one day and his teacher was doing a vocabulary exercise.

She asked the class "Okay, can anyone give me a sentence using the word dog?" well little Johnny's hand bolts straight up in the air and she knows he has something dirty to say. she decides to call on another student who also has his hand raised. "My dog sleeps in my bed!"

"good job!" says t...

I created a fetish exercise program, but I don’t know how to end it.

We are still working out the kinks.

I asked my girlfriend if she does any other exercises...

Other than jumping to conclusions.

Jesus and his dog

When Jesus Christ was a very young boy of 8 or 9 years, he did all the things other boys of his age did. He played with his toys and ran with his friends. But like most little boys that age, he really wanted a puppy. He begged Joseph to let him have one but Joseph said he wasn't ready for the respon...

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Three men die and are standing in line at the pearly gates.

St. Peter tells them that the rules have changed, and they can only be let in to heaven now if they have had a really bad death. He then proceeds to get their stories one at a time.

The first man explains. "I live on the 25th floor of my apartment building. I came home from work early today, ...

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch...

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'...

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A man goes for a walk in New Zealand…

Along the way he comes across a Kiwi farmer. He stops and greets the farmer with a hearty ‘hello’ and the farmer returns his greeting.

The man looks down at the farmers dog and asks the farmer if he can have a chat to the dog.
Perplexed, the farmer responds: ‘ Sure, but the dog doesn’t ta...

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A man with a tendency to over-explain things lays on his therapist's couch.

The therapist says “I have a new exercise for you today. Instead of spending an hour talking about your day, try to tell me the essentials of what happened in one breath.”
The patient agrees and takes a deep breath

“So they cast Callie Hernandez as Supergirl and I’m not sure if it was th...

Sandra received a worrying diagnosis from her doctor.

She was healthy enough. She exercised daily, she ate well, all that jazz. But during her annual checkup, her doctor sat her down and says, "I've found a small tumor on your neck."

She was absolutely horrified. "Are you saying I have cancer?"

The doctor shook his head. "No, no, that's n...

Wanna know my favorite leg day exercise?

Skipping.

A friend of mine used to be morbidly obese, but after lots of exercise and hard work...

We were able to lift his coffin.

What is a ghost's favourite exercise?

Deadlifting

I think after the pandemic ends I'm still gonna wear masks when I exercise.

It's a bit of a running gag.

I'm starting a gym where we bring exercise equipment right to your front door, whether you requested it or not.

I'm calling it "Jehovah's Fitness"

I always see people saying we need to exercise our rights...

But how come I never hear anyone talking about our lefts?

A general is being driven in a jeep through the desert on the way to a training exercise.

Out in the middle of nowhere, the jeep breaks down. The female jeep driver jumps out, opens the hood and starts working on the engine. The general, wanting to be helpful, finds a toolbox in the back and opens it. "Do you want a screwdriver?" he asks.

"Might as well, it's going to be a while b...

Exercise for seniors

Just came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on to some of my younger friends. The article suggested doing it three days a week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have p...

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Next time you’re feeling down, remember life is all about perspective…

I have a friend who has sex 2-3 times a day, exercises twice a day, reads 2 books a week. Yet every day all he does is complain about how much he hates prison.

What's a necrophiliac's favourite exercise?

Deadlifts

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I've finally treated myself to one of those new exercise smartwatches.

So far I've wanked 15 miles

What does exercise have for breakfast?

Eggs!

(Courtesy of my 7 year old son...)

What kind of online exercise do sheep do together?

Zoom-BAAAAAH!

I tried this new exercise called the cow stance

And I pulled my calf..

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They say that sex is the best form of exercise

Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every three months is going to shift this beer belly.

The United States, China and Russia are attending a military exercise competition

To see which army is the strongest, the United Nations placed three rabbits in three forests.the one spent least time and sent least soldiers wins.
On day one, the U.S. Army go first. They spent half a day meeting to formulate a battle plan, strictly divide the labor, and then sent a hundred spe...

Why should you always pay a exorcist to exercise your home?

Because if you don’t, they will re-possess your house!

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On Exercising

1 - My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where in the worldl she is.

2 - The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

3 - I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven'...

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My doctor enquired if I was getting enough exercise. "Does sex count as exercise?" I asked. "Yes, it's a very good form of exercise" he replied.

"No then" I said

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I majored in Exercise Science in college..

In one of my earliest classes, my professor explained the principal of "use it or lose it". Basically, if you don't work out and stress your muscles and nervous system on a relatively frequent basis, as you get older your muscles, reflexes, and overall abilities will diminish over time. She tells th...

Everyday I tell the wife I’m gonna do a few miles around the neighborhood for exercise. And I never do lol.

It’s a running joke I have

My PE teacher tried to make me exercise...

I told her you can’t make me do squat.

Benchpressing is the best gym exercise hands down.

Hands up
Hands down
Hands up
Hands down

[Easter Joke] Q: What kind of exercise did Jesus do to get such good abs?

A: Crossfit

My doctor said I should exercise on top of a healthy diet.

But surely a treadmill would make more sense?

I've got an anti-exercise routine where I lie on the couch all day

I call it abs-tinence

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I got told that having sex is the exercise equivalent of running two miles.

I don't believe it. Who the hell runs two miles in 30 seconds?!

A blond was listening to breathing exercises on headphones and her boyfriend came up behind her and took them off her head.

She died.

My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch.

I call it... Lunch.

My wife caught me performing an action scene from The Matrix, but luckily she thought I was doing yoga exercise..

I just ~~dodge~~ dodged a bullet

What exercise do you do over calls?

Zoomba

Have you guys seen that peloton commercial where the wife is super stoked to get an exercise bike for Christmas?

Also, does anybody have a couch I could crash on for a few days?

New company sponsored exercise program

Now that we are all back at work from COVID, we have started a new exercise program. It includes such wonderful exercises as:
Running amok
Jumping to conclusions
Passing the buck
Point fingers
Climbing the walls
And my favorite exercise of all... diddly squats!

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My wife said we need to exercise more. My response was sex can be exercise.

Her response to that was exercise has to last more than five minutes for it to count!

A soldier was in an army training exercise but they ran out of guns

The soldier said to the guy handing out the paint ball guns “what am I going to do without a gun?” The man replied
“Just point at people and and say bang bang bang”
Without any other options he entered the battlefield.

The enemy rushed his trench and it seemed like all was lost, then h...

What do you call a girl that routinely does kegel exercises?

Jacked in the box

Why did Satan build a gym in Hell?

To exercise the demons

What's a pirate's favorite exercise?

The plank

What is Jesus's least favorite form of exercise?

CrossFit

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Paul Simon, Art Garfunkel and Peter Fonda are hanging out towards the end of the Swinging Sixties...

*Easy Rider* has just come out, Simon and Garfunkel are about to release *Bridge Over Troubled Water*, and the three men are the epitome of counter-culture cool. They're all pretty stoned, and Paul Simon turns to Peter Fonda, and says, "Hey, Peter, you wanna see something really groovy?"

Pete...

Attempted to exercise this morning...

Didn't work out

I can't take my dog to the pond for exercise because the ducks keep attacking him

That's what you get for buying a pure bread dog

How did Jesus exercise?

Crossfit

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A pilot, co-pilot and navigator were practicing training exercises over the Egyptian desert during the beginning of World War I when suddenly the engine died.

Unable to get the engine started again they all decide to parachute out before the plane crashed. Alone in the desert, they start walking back towards their base.

After a couple of hours walking they see a camel in the distance so they pick up their pace and sure enough eventually catch up w...

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What exercise can Olympic weightlifters still practice in the shower?

The Clean and Jerk.

Which is better exercise, chasing a car or running away from one?

Chasing a car. After running from a car you'll just be tired, but after chasing one you'll be exhausted.

Reckless Farting is unlawful in Stockholm…

Which is why I always exercise good pedal control.

Exercise is like a drug to me

That’s why I’m drug free.

Finally done some exercise

feels like a weight's been lifted

I don't exercise when I'm sick

My nose does the running for me

I was in the gym with my personal trainer. He asked me if my family had any experience with exercise.

I said, "My father has a really impressive bench."

"Oh does he?" he asked. "I might have to see it some day."

He was quite surprised when I led him to the park.

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A Dyre Predicament

"So kind of you to cruise by, Superman. How are the kryptonite shackles treating you?"

"You won't get away with this! Who are you anyway? I've never fought you."

"Oh, that's because I'm not a villain. And I intend to keep it that way, which brings me to the nature of today's exercise...

3 jokes instead of 3 layers of cake. Let's go!

What is at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A nervous wreck

Where are all average things made?
The Satisfactory

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly Squats

Enjoy!

My wife started swimming for exercise...

she said it gave her a sense of porpoise.

My girlfriend told me that our relationship is NOT exercise.

She said “this isn’t working out”.

3 Guys are waiting in line to enter heaven

Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first guy, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've sus...

Three large trolls were sitting around the campfire discussing their health.

"My doctor tolt me I need to get meself some exercise. Good fer me heart. So I tossed 'im up high in there air. Daggum good exercise."

The next troll laughed, "If ye gots any heart at all, its as hard and cold as granite. My doctor tolt me I was lack toes intolrant. Ain't sure what 'e meant s...

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A man was interviewing for a position with the CIA (Part 3)

It was day three of the interview process for the position with the CIA.

Our guy has to complete a practical exercise of jumping out of a plane.

He gets up there all strapped with the instructor at the jumping altitude. When it gets time to jump though he suddenly gets nervous. The ins...

My dad died because of a lack of exercise.

He didn't run when the bus was coming

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They say that every time you have sex it's the same amount of exercise as running 5 miles

But I think that's bullshit because I've never run 5 miles in 30 seconds.

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Tales from the front line

Back in my Army days (mid 80s) we were on a winter training exercise with the medical battalion. Our platoon was assigned the job of being casualties for the treatment company.

They assigned us our roles told us what injuries we were supposed to have sustained then dispatched us out in the Bu...

Feeling bad about not getting enough exercise?

Get a dog and name him “10 kilometres” so you can say you walk/run 10km every day.

(Doesn’t work in America though.)

I never thought I’d be the type of person to wake up at 5 in the morning to exercise.

I was right.

You can reduce your weight by one simple exercise of shaking your head horizontally.

Do it when you are offered food

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A woman goes to Dr. Johnson to increase...

...the size of her breasts. Dr. Johnson gives her a series of rhythmic arm movements to do and tells her to also repeat “If I do this like I must, I will increase my bust”.
Additionally she must do the exercises twice a day at 10am and 2pm. After two weeks she sees improvement and so she does bot...

I exercise religiously

I go to the gym for an hour on Sunday morning and then don't think about it again for the rest of the week.

How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.

I offered free exercise lessons for the homeless

now I’ve got 200 squatters!

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