The 108+ Best Exercise Jokes

I'm starting a gym where we bring exercise equipment right to your front door, whether you requested it or not.

I'm calling it "Jehovah's Fitness"

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly-squats.

Military exercise

Drill Sargeant: Listen up ladies, you see these sticks? Pinecones?, Those are your training weapons!

John: So a stick is our rifle? And pinecones are grenades?

Drill sargeant: Look who's catching on, yes If you believe hard enough you won't need an actual rifle or a grenade. Not just s...

What is an Emo Girl's favourite exercise at the gym?

Deadhangs.

What's Ned Flanders' favorite exercise?

Diddly-squats!

What is Jesus’ favorite kind of exercise?

Crossfit

I started a new exercise routine this week

I do 100 crunches in the morning and again in the evening

My favourites are Doritos cheese supreme and Lays original

Who named them Kegel exercises….

and not “puss-ups”?

Why did the wheel refuse to exercise?

Because it didn't want to tire itself out

My doctor told me that only exercise will get rid of my big belly.

I asked him if I should join a gym. He said, "No, that's not necessary. Here's the exercise you need: Move your head back and forth from left to right anytime someone asks you if you'd like something to eat."

My New Year's Resolution is to exercise more

I hope it works out...

Why are cheetahs great to exercise with?

Because they will spot you at the gym!

I asked my girlfriend if she does any other exercises...

Other than jumping to conclusions.

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LPT: If You're unhappy with your life, remember it's a question of perspective, my friend has sex 2-3 times a day, exercises daily, reads two books weekly, but he's still complaining about his life

...in prison

Did you hear about the man who went out for some exercise and ended up robbing a Chinese restaurant?

Police say he told his wife he was just going to take a wok.

I asked my wife for suggestions for a new exercise routine, and she said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”

I said, “That...sounds like a big step.”

swimmimg regularly is great for exercise

The trick is to swim like a dolphin - playfully but with a sense of porpoise.

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They say that sex is the best form of exercise

Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every three months is going to shift this beer belly.

I exercise running up the street knocking on all the doors.

Jehovah's Fitness.

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I have a friend who has sex three or four times a week, exercises for an hour everyday, reads several books a week, and his "wife" does whatever he tells her to...

... and all he does is complain about prison

My wife told me last week that I needed to exercise more and do lunges.

But that’s a huge step forward.

Wanna know my favorite leg day exercise?

Skipping.

Everyday I tell the wife I’m gonna do a few miles around the neighborhood for exercise. And I never do lol.

It’s a running joke I have

Which is better exercise, chasing a car or running away from one?

Chasing a car. After running from a car you'll just be tired, but after chasing one you'll be exhausted.

My new diet and exercise program requires me to not eat for 24 hrs and maintain an erection

It’s a hard and fast rule

An exercise for people who are out of shape:

Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potat...

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Why should you only exercise on Saturday and Sunday?

Because the other days are weak days.

Exercise for seniors

Just came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on to some of my younger friends. The article suggested doing it three days a week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have p...

the say the average redditor doesn't exercise, but they're wrong!

I just spent an hour jumping *to conclusions* and running *my mouth*!

Where do obstetricians exercise?

At the OB-GYM

My 8 year old claims to have just made this up and it made me chuckle. I hope you enjoy too. What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?

What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?

Burpees

A friend of mine used to be morbidly obese, but after lots of exercise and hard work...

We were able to lift his coffin.

My doctor told me to drink less, sleep more, eat healthy & exercise everyday. So today I'm making a big change in my life.

I'm no longer going to that doctor.

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I get free food, a bunk bed, I get a lot of exercise and sex everyday. What's not to like, right? Well....

I can't wait to get out of prison.

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They say that every time you have sex it's the same amount of exercise as running 5 miles

But I think that's bullshit because I've never run 5 miles in 30 seconds.

I told my doctor "exercise is the best antidepressant available "

"Sounds like a bit of a stretch", he replied

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I've finally treated myself to one of those new exercise smartwatches.

So far I've wanked 15 miles

What sort of exercise does a tory do?

They run this country into the ground

I think after the pandemic ends I'm still gonna wear masks when I exercise.

It's a bit of a running gag.

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Went to the doctors and asked, "What's the best exercise to lose weight?"

He said, "just shake your head"

I said, "How often?"

He replied, "whenever someone offers you food you fat cunt!"

What happens to a book when it starts to exercise a lot?

It gets ripped.

After World War II, as part of an exercise in comparative doctrine, three mid-ranking officers were asked...

>"Please give your response, in the context of your wartime service, to an infantryman's query "what happens if we run out of ammunition?".

The British officer gave some nonsense about maintaining a stiff upper lip and leading a singalong.

The German officer explained that he would ...

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My doctor enquired if I was getting enough exercise. "Does sex count as exercise?" I asked. "Yes, it's a very good form of exercise" he replied.

"No then" I said

As well as exercise equipment, Christie Brinkley is now doing advertising for a bicycle parts company.

She's their new spokes model.

What did the Redditor say before he exercised the search warrant?

"Fedora agent, open up!!!"

Doctor: how often do you exercise? Me: 3 times Doctor: A week? A month?

Me: I have given my answer

[Easter Joke] Q: What kind of exercise did Jesus do to get such good abs?

A: Crossfit

Never date someone who exercises to relieve stress…

They’ll run when it gets hard.

A group of soldiers on a first-aid course were tested by the instructor. He asked the recruits: 'If the sergeant major sustained a head injury during an exercise what would you do about it ?

One soldier said: 'I'd wrap a tourniquet around his neck and tighten it until the bleeding stopped.'

I created a fetish exercise program, but I don’t know how to end it.

We are still working out the kinks.

My doctor said I should exercise on top of a healthy diet.

But surely a treadmill would make more sense?

A soldier was in an army training exercise but they ran out of guns

The soldier said to the guy handing out the paint ball guns “what am I going to do without a gun?” The man replied
“Just point at people and and say bang bang bang”
Without any other options he entered the battlefield.

The enemy rushed his trench and it seemed like all was lost, then h...

I'm sick and tired of this "everybody wins" mentality kids have these days.

Seriously, they never exercise, lie in bed 12 hours a day, and sit down far more often than they stand up. And they still get atrophy.

What was Jesus Christ's least favorite form of exercise?

Cross fit.

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Little Johnny was in school one day and his teacher was doing a vocabulary exercise.

She asked the class "Okay, can anyone give me a sentence using the word dog?" well little Johnny's hand bolts straight up in the air and she knows he has something dirty to say. she decides to call on another student who also has his hand raised. "My dog sleeps in my bed!"

"good job!" says t...

Man to friend: " The doctor told my wife she should do some exercise."

Friend: "And is she doing this?
Man: "Well, she is - if jumping to conclusions and running up bills can be called exercise!"

I exercise religiously

I go to the gym for an hour on Sunday morning and then don't think about it again for the rest of the week.

I've been hiding from doing any exercise.

I'm in the fitness protection program.

My favourite exercise

is a cross between a crunch and a lunge... it's called lunch.

I always see people saying we need to exercise our rights...

But how come I never hear anyone talking about our lefts?

I tried this new exercise called the cow stance

And I pulled my calf..

A general is being driven in a jeep through the desert on the way to a training exercise.

Out in the middle of nowhere, the jeep breaks down. The female jeep driver jumps out, opens the hood and starts working on the engine. The general, wanting to be helpful, finds a toolbox in the back and opens it. "Do you want a screwdriver?" he asks.

"Might as well, it's going to be a while b...

I've got an anti-exercise routine where I lie on the couch all day

I call it abs-tinence

The United States, China and Russia are attending a military exercise competition

To see which army is the strongest, the United Nations placed three rabbits in three forests.the one spent least time and sent least soldiers wins.
On day one, the U.S. Army go first. They spent half a day meeting to formulate a battle plan, strictly divide the labor, and then sent a hundred spe...

What's a necrophiliac's favourite exercise?

Deadlifts

What does exercise have for breakfast?

Eggs!

(Courtesy of my 7 year old son...)

What kind of online exercise do sheep do together?

Zoom-BAAAAAH!

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I got told that having sex is the exercise equivalent of running two miles.

I don't believe it. Who the hell runs two miles in 30 seconds?!

My PE teacher tried to make me exercise...

I told her you can’t make me do squat.

Why should you always pay a exorcist to exercise your home?

Because if you don’t, they will re-possess your house!

My wife caught me performing an action scene from The Matrix, but luckily she thought I was doing yoga exercise..

I just ~~dodge~~ dodged a bullet

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I majored in Exercise Science in college..

In one of my earliest classes, my professor explained the principal of "use it or lose it". Basically, if you don't work out and stress your muscles and nervous system on a relatively frequent basis, as you get older your muscles, reflexes, and overall abilities will diminish over time. She tells th...

What exercise do you do over calls?

Zoomba

Have you guys seen that peloton commercial where the wife is super stoked to get an exercise bike for Christmas?

Also, does anybody have a couch I could crash on for a few days?

I did a lot of exercises today...

So my 2021 will have a sore start

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My wife said we need to exercise more. My response was sex can be exercise.

Her response to that was exercise has to last more than five minutes for it to count!

What do you call a girl that routinely does kegel exercises?

Jacked in the box

New company sponsored exercise program

Now that we are all back at work from COVID, we have started a new exercise program. It includes such wonderful exercises as:
Running amok
Jumping to conclusions
Passing the buck
Point fingers
Climbing the walls
And my favorite exercise of all... diddly squats!

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific so I said

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

An 85 year old couple is going on holiday, when they suddenly die in a plane crash...

They had been married for 60 years, and kept in good health due to their healthy diet and regular exercise.

When they reached heaven, St. Peter took them to their mansion, decked out with a fully stocked kitchen, master bath suite, and their very own jacuzzi. As his wife 'oohed' and 'aahed' a...

Attempted to exercise this morning...

Didn't work out

My wife started swimming for exercise...

she said it gave her a sense of porpoise.

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An Exercise of Logic

Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.

Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes."

Bob thinks it's a good idea, an...

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.

Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

I can't take my dog to the pond for exercise because the ducks keep attacking him

That's what you get for buying a pure bread dog

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On Exercising

1 - My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where in the worldl she is.

2 - The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

3 - I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven'...

What exercise does Ned Flanders do at the gym?

Diddly squat

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What exercise can Olympic weightlifters still practice in the shower?

The Clean and Jerk.

You can reduce your weight by one simple exercise of shaking your head horizontally.

Do it when you are offered food

I was in the gym with my personal trainer. He asked me if my family had any experience with exercise.

I said, "My father has a really impressive bench."

"Oh does he?" he asked. "I might have to see it some day."

He was quite surprised when I led him to the park.

A blond was listening to breathing exercises on headphones and her boyfriend came up behind her and took them off her head.

She died.

I never thought I’d be the type of person to wake up at 5 in the morning to exercise.

I was right.

Did you hear about the government plan to get overweight people to exercise?

It didn't work out.

I don't exercise when I'm sick

My nose does the running for me

Exercise is like a drug to me

That’s why I’m drug free.

My dad died because of a lack of exercise.

He didn't run when the bus was coming

Feeling bad about not getting enough exercise?

Get a dog and name him “10 kilometres” so you can say you walk/run 10km every day.

(Doesn’t work in America though.)

How does pac-man exercise?

He WALKa-WALKa-WALKas

Apparently people who exercise have been shown to recover better and be less at risk from mental health issues...

So who said you can't run away from your problems.

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Three Soviet generals wager who has bravest soldiers

Soviet army organizes a large military exercise. Three high-ranking officers - an army general, a navy admiral and an air force commander watch the war games from an observation bunker, drink vodka and argue who has bravest men. They can not reach a conclusion, so the army general calls his troops a...

I offered free exercise lessons for the homeless

now I’ve got 200 squatters!

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A pilot, co-pilot and navigator were practicing training exercises over the Egyptian desert during the beginning of World War I when suddenly the engine died.

Unable to get the engine started again they all decide to parachute out before the plane crashed. Alone in the desert, they start walking back towards their base.

After a couple of hours walking they see a camel in the distance so they pick up their pace and sure enough eventually catch up w...

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During a recent study, almost 95% of participants preferred exercise to sex.

Because they all ran away when I offered.

Where does a four hundred pound alien go for exercise?

Planet Fitness

Trump did a better job getting people to exercise in 1 month than Michelle Obama did in 8 years

Look at all those protesters on the streets!

Exercise has helped with my depression immensely.

My wife started jogging a few months ago, and I feel far better about being seen with her.

Apparently, exercise improves your decision making.

It's true. After going to the gym today I've decided I'm never going again.

The only things Americans exercise

Is their freedom of speech

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