What kind of exercise do lazy people do ?

Diddly-squats

I asked my girlfriend if she does any other exercises...

Other than jumping to conclusions.

I've got an anti-exercise routine where I lie on the couch all day

I call it abs-tinence

What exercise does Cardi B do?

Cardi O

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I've finally treated myself to one of those new exercise smartwatches.

So far I've wanked 15 miles

My wife caught me performing an action scene from The Matrix, but luckily she thought I was doing yoga exercise..

I just ~~dodge~~ dodged a bullet

I tried this new exercise called the cow stance

And I pulled my calf..

A friend of mine used to be morbidly obese, but after lots of exercise and hard work...

We were able to lift his coffin.

I can't take my dog to the pond for exercise because the ducks keep attacking him

That's what you get for buying a pure bread dog

My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch.

I call it... Lunch.

Exercise for seniors

Just came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on to some of my younger friends. The article suggested doing it three days a week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have p...

Wanna know my favorite leg day exercise?

Skipping.

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A pilot, co-pilot and navigator were practicing training exercises over the Egyptian desert during the beginning of World War I when suddenly the engine died.

Unable to get the engine started again they all decide to parachute out before the plane crashed. Alone in the desert, they start walking back towards their base.

After a couple of hours walking they see a camel in the distance so they pick up their pace and sure enough eventually catch up w...

Have you guys seen that peloton commercial where the wife is super stoked to get an exercise bike for Christmas?

Also, does anybody have a couch I could crash on for a few days?

I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine, and she said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”

I said, “That sounds.....like a big step.”

My doctor said I should exercise on top of a healthy diet.

But surely a treadmill would make more sense?

[Easter Joke] Q: What kind of exercise did Jesus do to get such good abs?

A: Crossfit

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My doctor enquired if I was getting enough exercise. "Does sex count as exercise?" I asked. "Yes, it's a very good form of exercise" he replied.

"No then" I said

Finally done some exercise

feels like a weight's been lifted

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What exercise can Olympic weightlifters still practice in the shower?

The Clean and Jerk.

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An eighty-five year old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash and went to the Pearly Gates.

They had been in good health for the last ten years, mainly as a result of the wife's interest in healthy diets and exercise.

St. Peter welcomed them into Heaven and took them to their small palace in heaven- complete with a large bedroom, Jacuzzi, full kitchen, and billiards table. "How much...

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My wife said we need to exercise more. My response was sex can be exercise.

Her response to that was exercise has to last more than five minutes for it to count!

What's a pirate's favorite exercise?

The plank

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Johhny asks his teacher for help getting his shoes on

From the get go it is a struggle to get them on, and when his teacher reached the second shoe she is already out of breath. When she finally manages to get the second shoe on, Johhny looks at her and through his only four teeth says: "Mith, I think my feet are the wrong way round". She looks down an...

Everyday I tell the wife I’m gonna do a few miles around the neighborhood for exercise. And I never do lol.

It’s a running joke I have

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They say that sex is the best form of exercise

Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every three months is going to shift this beer belly.

I was in the gym with my personal trainer. He asked me if my family had any experience with exercise.

I said, "My father has a really impressive bench."

"Oh does he?" he asked. "I might have to see it some day."

He was quite surprised when I led him to the park.

Did you hear about the government plan to get overweight people to exercise?

It didn't work out.

Three men approached the Pearly Gates.

As there was only one place left, St Peter said that whoever had the most remarkable and worthy death could enter.

He asked the first man how he died and the man replied, "Imagine this. I suspected my wife was having an affair behind my back and I wanted to find out the truth. I cam...

Jogging through the town, a young woman saw a wizened old man smiling at her from his drive.

'You look so happy!' she said to him. 'What's your secret for a long, satisfying life?'

'I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,' he smiled. 'And I drink a case of whiskey every week, eat nothing but fatty foods and never exercise.'

'That's amazing,' the woman marvelled. 'How old are ...

Exercise is like a drug to me

That’s why I’m drug free.

I don't exercise when I'm sick

My nose does the running for me

Everytime I see someone sitting on an exercise ball at work, I always want to stab them.

The person, not the ball.

What do you call a girl that routinely does kegel exercises?

Jacked in the box

I'm starting a gym where we bring exercise equipment right to your front door, whether you requested it or not.

I'm calling it "Jehovah's Fitness"

My girlfriend told me that our relationship is NOT exercise.

She said “this isn’t working out”.

What is Jesus's least favorite form of exercise?

CrossFit

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I like when Instagram models post their workout videos. It really gives me the drive and motivation to go and do my daily exercise:

Masturbate

A soldier was in an army training exercise but they ran out of guns

The soldier said to the guy handing out the paint ball guns “what am I going to do without a gun?” The man replied
“Just point at people and and say bang bang bang”
Without any other options he entered the battlefield.

The enemy rushed his trench and it seemed like all was lost, then h...

Preparations for parenthood - dressing and feeding.

New parents: feeding and dressing your toddler is not as easy a skill as it looks. It takes a lot of practice, so here are a couple tips to get you started.

To practice dressing a small child, first you need to get a string bag (like the kind you carry soccer balls). Then go to ...

Feeling bad about not getting enough exercise?

Get a dog and name him “10 kilometres” so you can say you walk/run 10km every day.

(Doesn’t work in America though.)

I wasn’t feeling so good and so I went to the doctors

I told the doctor that I haven’t been feeling so well lately.

The doctor proceeded to ask me questions and do some tests.

He came to the conclusion that I was not getting enough exercise and therefore advised me to do so.

So, based on the doctors advice, for the next month, i...

How did Jesus exercise?

Crossfit

I'm pretty sure the coronavirus has got me turning into a dog.

I lie around the house all day, my main method of exercise is walking around the neighborhood, and the mailman coming by is one of the most exciting parts of my day.

I offered free exercise lessons for the homeless

now I’ve got 200 squatters!

When the man in the street says: "If it ain't broke, don't fix it," the lawyer writes:

"Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies are agreed by any and all concerned parties to be imperceivable, and are so stipulated, it is incumbent upon said heretofore mentioned parties to exercise the deferment of otherwise pertinent maintenance procedures."

I never thought I’d be the type of person to wake up at 5 in the morning to exercise.

I was right.

The Longer this lock-down carries on the more i find myself acting like a bodybuilder.

Not the actual exercise, More the eating every 2 hours.

TV crew decides to visit a hundred years old man living alone in a cabin in the woods

When they go there they see he is chopping wood and carrying it all by himself. He is active and healthy and has a body of a forty year old man.

They ask him "What is your secret?" and the old man tells them a story:

"Seventy years ago, there was a huge blizzard that came out of nowher...

How does pac-man exercise?

He WALKa-WALKa-WALKas

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3 men are standing in front of Heaven's Door waiting to be let in when St. Peter says, "Sorry, boys, but Heaven has met their quota for the day

; however, if you tell me how you died and it is interesting enough, I will let you in."

The first man says, " I am a respectable businessman who lives with my wife in a condo on the 12th floor of The Rains Building. I suspected that my wife has been cheating on me, so I left work two hours e...

Where does a four hundred pound alien go for exercise?

Planet Fitness

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A group of...

A group of sperm cells in a guys balls are getting ready for their big moment. They all talk about racing to the egg, who will be first, how to get in, etc. But while all the sperm are talking, one sperm cell by the name of Matt instead of chatting is busy working out. He's doing sprints, push ups...

What is Jesus's favourite way to exercise?

Cross fit!

My dad died because of a lack of exercise.

He didn't run when the bus was coming

Apparently people who exercise have been shown to recover better and be less at risk from mental health issues...

So who said you can't run away from your problems.

Exercise has helped with my depression immensely.

My wife started jogging a few months ago, and I feel far better about being seen with her.

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Pope taking a shower!

The Pope was having a shower and although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed to exercise the papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions. Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy semen flying through the air...

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific so I said

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

A quote from the guy who invented the stationary exercise bike...

"My life is going nowhere."

My wife started swimming for exercise...

she said it gave her a sense of porpoise.

Which is better exercise, chasing a car or running away from one?

Chasing a car. After running from a car you'll just be tired, but after chasing one you'll be exhausted.

I saw some exercise equipment by the side of the freeway the other day...

Someone had been trying to take it home but it didn’t work out.

I went to the doctor and he said you have the blood pressure of a 14 year old kid

I said great. He said, not so great, a 14 year old *American* child. You got four months to live.

Kids are so fat these days the first letters they learn in the alphabet are not ABC, it's KFC.

Kids are so fat these days they use cheat codes to play Pokemon Go.

Kids are so fat th...

What kind of exercise did the ancient Romans do?

Pontius Pilates

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I’ve been trying to exercise more lately...

Today, my Apple Watch told me I masturbated three miles!

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Three Olympic athletes are at an elite training camp

The instructor was a tough, but attractive woman. She planned to give the athletes exercises that would make them beg for mercy



'What's your event?' she asked the first athlete


'Pole vault' he says


'You will spend the next hour pole vaulting!' barks the inst...

You can reduce your weight by one simple exercise of shaking your head horizontally.

Do it when you are offered food

Before difficult descisions I like to consult both my head and my heart.

Although my head tells me to make rational and educated descisions, my heart tells me that I need to exercise more.

I get plenty of exercise.

I'm frequently jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.

Age is not an excuse. I just caught an 80-year-old man doing exercise down a hill.

He was very acrobatic too, doing flips in his wheelchair.

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Exercising and pooping

My son texted me, "I've noticed that when I exercise, I have to poop more. I'm pooping 2-4 times a day now."

"Sweet!" I replied. "I must be exercising!"

"Or maybe it's just hereditary," he texts back.

The little shit.

The only things Americans exercise

Is their freedom of speech

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They say that every time you have sex it's the same amount of exercise as running 5 miles

But I think that's bullshit because I've never run 5 miles in 30 seconds.

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Three men arrive at the gates of heaven but St Peter says that heaven is kinda full and, for whatever reason, they’re only letting in the people that have died in the most traumatic way...

So the first man steps forward and says “That’s me! I was convinced my wife was cheating and left work early to catch her in the act. I burst into the bedroom and find her in bed, the sheets are a mess, the smell of sex is in the air, but she swears she was just sleeping, I search the apartment high...

If an apple exercises...

Is it a core workout?

A manager was told by his doctor to take up some sport for exercise, so he decided to play tennis. After a couple of weeks, his administrative assistant asked him how he was doing.

"It's going fine," the manager said. "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says, "To the corner! Backhand! To the net! Smash! Go back!"

"Really? What happens then?" the woman asked enthusiastically.

"Then my body says, 'Who? Me? Don't talk...

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During a recent study, almost 95% of participants preferred exercise to sex.

Because they all ran away when I offered.

What kind of exercises are all the rage in Kenya?

Anairobics.

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New year resolution : First day at the gym

As a new year resolution, I, like million others decided to join a gym and hire a trainer. After some warm up, the trainer brought me to the equipment. a vertical row machine. He showed me how to use the machine and suggested that i exercise one arm at a time. Looking at my physique (if i can call t...

Trump did a better job getting people to exercise in 1 month than Michelle Obama did in 8 years

Look at all those protesters on the streets!

A geneticist makes a breakthrough, enabling him to create a cross-breed of any two living organisms

He sets up his own lab and hires an intern to help him out. After explaining to the intern what the technology is capable of the intern is amazed and asks: "So you can really create a cross between ANY two living beings?"


The geneticist replies, "Yes, but I advise you to exercise cautio...

I exercise religiously

I go to the gym for an hour on Sunday morning and then don't think about it again for the rest of the week.

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You know what Donald Trump's favorite gym exercise is?

It isnt the snatch and grab, it's the grab a snatch.

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy.

The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, ...

Why is it better to exercise in the morning?

You can finish the workout before your brain realizes what it's doing.

Why are there no haunted gyms?

All the ghosts have been exercised

A daily exercise routine..

..is like a drug. I avoid drugs.

The Meaning Of Life

A young man goes to search for the meaning of life. He decides to ask around.


The first person he meets is a wealthy man. "That's easy," he says. "The meaning of life is to accumulate wealth. Then you can transform and inspire your community." The young man takes this advice to heart. He ...

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My therapist said some exercises would add me several years...

and he was right. I've made 15 push-ups right now and I feel like I'm 85 years old.

What is an earthquake's favorite exercise?

The shake weight.

Finally got in to an exercise routine and I've lost over 100 pounds!!

I'm from England, and exercise equipment is pretty expensive.

Fantastic exercise that really helps you to lose weight:

Turn your head to the left. Good. Turn your head to the right. Very good. Repeat this exercise whenever you are offered any food.

Long Break

It is important to make breaks between individual exercises.

I personally stick to breaks of about 3-4 years.

President Obama is doing his morning exercises...

...and jogging around the White House grounds when one of the Secret Service agents suggests he should see how fast he can circle the White House ten times. After all, it is a presidential tradition to try it at least once, and being moderately athletic, he figured he'd make pretty good time. So he ...

We've got an aviary at home, Sadly one of our birds of prey will only exercise at night to 80's music.

Our Kestrel Manoeuvres In The Dark

What do you call a binary value that eats right and exercises?

A fit bit

Apparently, exercise improves your decision making.

It's true. After going to the gym today I've decided I'm never going again.

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