UPJOKE
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Who named them Kegel exercises….

and not “puss-ups”?

the say the average redditor doesn't exercise, but they're wrong!

I just spent an hour jumping *to conclusions* and running *my mouth*!

Where do obstetricians exercise?

At the OB-GYM

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I have a friend who has sex three or four times a week, exercises for an hour everyday, reads several books a week, and his "wife" does whatever he tells her to...

... and all he does is complain about prison

I exercise running up the street knocking on all the doors.

Jehovah's Fitness.

My new diet and exercise program requires me to not eat for 24 hrs and maintain an erection

It’s a hard and fast rule

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly squats.

An exercise for people who are out of shape:

Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potat...

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Why should you only exercise on Saturday and Sunday?

Because the other days are weak days.

My doctor told me to drink less, sleep more, eat healthy & exercise everyday. So today I'm making a big change in my life.

I'm no longer going to that doctor.

The laws to get to heaven are new!

They changed the rules to get into heaven and get passed Saint Peter and the pearly gates; you just need to have died in an interesting way.

So three men show up before Peter. Peter asks the first man how did you die?

Man says "well you see i live on the 22nd floor of a high rise apart...

My wife told me last week that I needed to exercise more and do lunges.

But that’s a huge step forward.

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I get free food, a bunk bed, I get a lot of exercise and sex everyday. What's not to like, right? Well....

I can't wait to get out of prison.

Why couldn't the pig exercise?

He pulled his hamstrings.

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I have a HEALTHY porn addiction.

By healthy..... I mean, it's my #1 source of exercise.

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A Russian soldier is assigned to the training exercise

A Russian soldier is assigned to a squad near the front of the training exercise to replace a fallen komrat. He is warned that the training is hard with many death, and the squad members are a bit excentric, so he should just try to fit in.


He arrives to a camp of about 10 men and a cou...

I'm sick and tired of this "everybody wins" mentality kids have these days.

Seriously, they never exercise, lie in bed 12 hours a day, and sit down far more often than they stand up. And they still get atrophy.

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Went to the doctors and asked, "What's the best exercise to lose weight?"

He said, "just shake your head"

I said, "How often?"

He replied, "whenever someone offers you food you fat cunt!"

What happens to a book when it starts to exercise a lot?

It gets ripped.

I asked my wife for suggestions for a new exercise routine, and she said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”

I said, “That...sounds like a big step.”

Never date someone who exercises to relieve stress…

They’ll run when it gets hard.

Education

As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in several night time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School. He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so I struck up a conversation. "Scared, Lieutenant? ", I asked. He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive. "I asked, "W...

The Test

This joke was told to me 20 years ago by a friend of my Dad’s.

The President of the USA decides to run an exercise to test the effectiveness of the CIA, the FBI and the LAPD with a simple task - a bunny rabbit will be let loose in a designated forest and he will send in one agency at a time ...

As well as exercise equipment, Christie Brinkley is now doing advertising for a bicycle parts company.

She's their new spokes model.

Doctor: how often do you exercise? Me: 3 times Doctor: A week? A month?

Me: I have given my answer

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I used to bartend for this popular place off a rural highway in my state…

I used to bartend for this popular place off a rural highway in my state. It marketed itself as a tavern, to get tourists to come in and buy a bite to eat, but the locals knew it by the name of the former owner, Pete.

Pete had died a few years before I started working there. His younger broth...

I told my doctor "exercise is the best antidepressant available "

"Sounds like a bit of a stretch", he replied

A group of soldiers on a first-aid course were tested by the instructor. He asked the recruits: 'If the sergeant major sustained a head injury during an exercise what would you do about it ?

One soldier said: 'I'd wrap a tourniquet around his neck and tighten it until the bleeding stopped.'

I'm starting a gym where we bring exercise equipment right to your front door, whether you requested it or not.

I'm calling it "Jehovah's Fitness"

I created a fetish exercise program, but I don’t know how to end it.

We are still working out the kinks.

62-year old Walter was in Dr. Miller's exam room for his annual checkup...

As the exam came to a close the doctor asked if Walter had any other questions about his health.

"Well, Doc, I've gained a bit more weight in the midsection, y'see, and, uh, when I look down I...well..I can't see the ol' captain anymore, if you know what I mean. What do you recommend?"
...

My 8 year old claims to have just made this up and it made me chuckle. I hope you enjoy too. What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?

What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?

Burpees

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Little Johnny was in school one day and his teacher was doing a vocabulary exercise.

She asked the class "Okay, can anyone give me a sentence using the word dog?" well little Johnny's hand bolts straight up in the air and she knows he has something dirty to say. she decides to call on another student who also has his hand raised. "My dog sleeps in my bed!"

"good job!" says t...

Man to friend: " The doctor told my wife she should do some exercise."

Friend: "And is she doing this?
Man: "Well, she is - if jumping to conclusions and running up bills can be called exercise!"

Wanna know my favorite leg day exercise?

Skipping.

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SUMMER CAMP FOR Husbands. Evening classes for men. Starting this month.

*Summer camp*

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of the content, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each.

*Topic 1.*
How to fill ice-cube trays and why to fill water bottles before putting them back in the fridge.
Step by step with slide pre...

A friend of mine used to be morbidly obese, but after lots of exercise and hard work...

We were able to lift his coffin.

I think after the pandemic ends I'm still gonna wear masks when I exercise.

It's a bit of a running gag.

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They say that sex is the best form of exercise

Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every three months is going to shift this beer belly.

Exercise for seniors

Just came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on to some of my younger friends. The article suggested doing it three days a week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have p...

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

I've been hiding from doing any exercise.

I'm in the fitness protection program.

Thanks to a very healthy lifestyle, a married couple live well into their 100s

One day they are both killed in a tragic accident, and go to heaven.

On the first morning, they go up to God and ask where the gym is. "Gym?" God replies, "you don't need to go to the gym here, you'll always be in perfect shape even if you never exercise." The wife says how nice that is, but...

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I've finally treated myself to one of those new exercise smartwatches.

So far I've wanked 15 miles

Three College Graduates in McDonald's

Three recent college graduates met in McDonald's, and the engineering major said, "Did you see the new wind turbines going up on the east side of town? They had asked our class to run some stress studies during windstorms as an exercise".

"Yes", the geology graduate said, "They also contacte...

What is a ghost's favourite exercise?

Deadlifting

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My doctor enquired if I was getting enough exercise. "Does sex count as exercise?" I asked. "Yes, it's a very good form of exercise" he replied.

"No then" I said

What's a necrophiliac's favourite exercise?

Deadlifts

Everyday I tell the wife I’m gonna do a few miles around the neighborhood for exercise. And I never do lol.

It’s a running joke I have

[Easter Joke] Q: What kind of exercise did Jesus do to get such good abs?

A: Crossfit

I tried this new exercise called the cow stance

And I pulled my calf..

My doctor said I should exercise on top of a healthy diet.

But surely a treadmill would make more sense?

I always see people saying we need to exercise our rights...

But how come I never hear anyone talking about our lefts?

A general is being driven in a jeep through the desert on the way to a training exercise.

Out in the middle of nowhere, the jeep breaks down. The female jeep driver jumps out, opens the hood and starts working on the engine. The general, wanting to be helpful, finds a toolbox in the back and opens it. "Do you want a screwdriver?" he asks.

"Might as well, it's going to be a while b...

I asked my girlfriend if she does any other exercises...

Other than jumping to conclusions.

The United States, China and Russia are attending a military exercise competition

To see which army is the strongest, the United Nations placed three rabbits in three forests.the one spent least time and sent least soldiers wins.
On day one, the U.S. Army go first. They spent half a day meeting to formulate a battle plan, strictly divide the labor, and then sent a hundred spe...

What does exercise have for breakfast?

Eggs!

(Courtesy of my 7 year old son...)

What kind of online exercise do sheep do together?

Zoom-BAAAAAH!

Why should you always pay a exorcist to exercise your home?

Because if you don’t, they will re-possess your house!

My PE teacher tried to make me exercise...

I told her you can’t make me do squat.

A soldier was in an army training exercise but they ran out of guns

The soldier said to the guy handing out the paint ball guns “what am I going to do without a gun?” The man replied
“Just point at people and and say bang bang bang”
Without any other options he entered the battlefield.

The enemy rushed his trench and it seemed like all was lost, then h...

I've got an anti-exercise routine where I lie on the couch all day

I call it abs-tinence

A cloning experiment gone wrong

A laboratory, hidden from public knowledge, secretly worked on the cloning of humans. Of course, human cloning being illegal, their staff was limited to a select few that had both the credentials and the disregard for rules that was considered essential to be a successful researcher at the facility....

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I got told that having sex is the exercise equivalent of running two miles.

I don't believe it. Who the hell runs two miles in 30 seconds?!

I want to lose some weight

But I don't want to get caught up in one of those eat right and exercise scams.

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I majored in Exercise Science in college..

In one of my earliest classes, my professor explained the principal of "use it or lose it". Basically, if you don't work out and stress your muscles and nervous system on a relatively frequent basis, as you get older your muscles, reflexes, and overall abilities will diminish over time. She tells th...

Have you guys seen that peloton commercial where the wife is super stoked to get an exercise bike for Christmas?

Also, does anybody have a couch I could crash on for a few days?

My wife caught me performing an action scene from The Matrix, but luckily she thought I was doing yoga exercise..

I just ~~dodge~~ dodged a bullet

Benchpressing is the best gym exercise hands down.

Hands up
Hands down
Hands up
Hands down

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My wife said we need to exercise more. My response was sex can be exercise.

Her response to that was exercise has to last more than five minutes for it to count!

My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch.

I call it... Lunch.

What exercise do you do over calls?

Zoomba

How do you sink an 'unsinkable' modern nuclear submarine?

Let the Russian Navy take it out for a training exercise in the Barents Sea.

Attempted to exercise this morning...

Didn't work out

What is Jesus's least favorite form of exercise?

CrossFit

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On Exercising

1 - My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where in the worldl she is.

2 - The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

3 - I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven'...

What's a pirate's favorite exercise?

The plank

Which is better exercise, chasing a car or running away from one?

Chasing a car. After running from a car you'll just be tired, but after chasing one you'll be exhausted.

What do you call a girl that routinely does kegel exercises?

Jacked in the box

A blond was listening to breathing exercises on headphones and her boyfriend came up behind her and took them off her head.

She died.

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A man with a tendency to over-explain things lays on his therapist's couch.

The therapist says “I have a new exercise for you today. Instead of spending an hour talking about your day, try to tell me the essentials of what happened in one breath.”
The patient agrees and takes a deep breath

“So they cast Callie Hernandez as Supergirl and I’m not sure if it was th...

Deep in the arctic, a fortress sits. This is Legion Prison, where all Supervillains are jailed.

And the Warden is having a very difficult time. In the beginning, it wasn’t so hard. A handful of villains can’t get up to too much trouble without their tools and weapon.

But as the prison filled up, things began to get more difficult.

MechaSlayer kept trying to fight Robo-Con.
...

My wife started swimming for exercise...

she said it gave her a sense of porpoise.

I can't take my dog to the pond for exercise because the ducks keep attacking him

That's what you get for buying a pure bread dog

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What exercise can Olympic weightlifters still practice in the shower?

The Clean and Jerk.

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They say that every time you have sex it's the same amount of exercise as running 5 miles

But I think that's bullshit because I've never run 5 miles in 30 seconds.

Exercise is like a drug to me

That’s why I’m drug free.

I don't exercise when I'm sick

My nose does the running for me

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Three men die and are standing in line at the pearly gates.

St. Peter tells them that the rules have changed, and they can only be let in to heaven now if they have had a really bad death. He then proceeds to get their stories one at a time.

The first man explains. "I live on the 25th floor of my apartment building. I came home from work early today, ...

Jesus and his dog

When Jesus Christ was a very young boy of 8 or 9 years, he did all the things other boys of his age did. He played with his toys and ran with his friends. But like most little boys that age, he really wanted a puppy. He begged Joseph to let him have one but Joseph said he wasn't ready for the respon...

Finally done some exercise

feels like a weight's been lifted

My dad died because of a lack of exercise.

He didn't run when the bus was coming

You can reduce your weight by one simple exercise of shaking your head horizontally.

Do it when you are offered food

My girlfriend told me that our relationship is NOT exercise.

She said “this isn’t working out”.

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A pilot, co-pilot and navigator were practicing training exercises over the Egyptian desert during the beginning of World War I when suddenly the engine died.

Unable to get the engine started again they all decide to parachute out before the plane crashed. Alone in the desert, they start walking back towards their base.

After a couple of hours walking they see a camel in the distance so they pick up their pace and sure enough eventually catch up w...

I was in the gym with my personal trainer. He asked me if my family had any experience with exercise.

I said, "My father has a really impressive bench."

"Oh does he?" he asked. "I might have to see it some day."

He was quite surprised when I led him to the park.

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch...

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'...

I exercise religiously

I go to the gym for an hour on Sunday morning and then don't think about it again for the rest of the week.

Feeling bad about not getting enough exercise?

Get a dog and name him “10 kilometres” so you can say you walk/run 10km every day.

(Doesn’t work in America though.)

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A man goes for a walk in New Zealand…

Along the way he comes across a Kiwi farmer. He stops and greets the farmer with a hearty ‘hello’ and the farmer returns his greeting.

The man looks down at the farmers dog and asks the farmer if he can have a chat to the dog.
Perplexed, the farmer responds: ‘ Sure, but the dog doesn’t ta...

I never thought I’d be the type of person to wake up at 5 in the morning to exercise.

I was right.

Did you hear about the government plan to get overweight people to exercise?

It didn't work out.

Jack loved cake...

Jack loved cake so much that every morning he would drive to the local bakery to get a piece.

Jack was married to Edith who did not like cake. She also didn't like how fat Jack was getting. Worried for his health, Edith eventually gave an ultimatum. Jack either had to give up the cake or she...

There’s a recent article with the headline “Why Exercise Won’t Help You Lose Weight”...

...looks like something a fat person would write.

I offered free exercise lessons for the homeless

now I’ve got 200 squatters!

I thought about running for president

But I figured he should do his own exercise.

Apparently people who exercise have been shown to recover better and be less at risk from mental health issues...

So who said you can't run away from your problems.

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Next time you’re feeling down remember life is all about perspective

I have a friend who has sex 2-3x a day, exercises twice a day, reads two books a week yet every day he complains about how much he hates prison

The only things Americans exercise

Is their freedom of speech

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During a recent study, almost 95% of participants preferred exercise to sex.

Because they all ran away when I offered.

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