UPJOKE
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I'm starting a gym where we bring exercise equipment right to your front door, whether you requested it or not.

I'm calling it "Jehovah's Fitness"

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly-squats.

Military exercise

Drill Sargeant: Listen up ladies, you see these sticks? Pinecones?, Those are your training weapons!

John: So a stick is our rifle? And pinecones are grenades?

Drill sargeant: Look who's catching on, yes If you believe hard enough you won't need an actual rifle or a grenade. Not just s...

What's a necromancer's favorite form of exercise?

Deadlifts.

Who named them Kegel exercises….

and not “puss-ups”?

I asked my girlfriend if she does any other exercises...

Other than jumping to conclusions.

I started a new exercise routine this week

I do 100 crunches in the morning and again in the evening

My favourites are Doritos cheese supreme and Lays original

I started watching exercise videos to get in shape.

So far I've watched several dozen videos, but haven't lost any weight. I'd quit watching them, but I've lost the remote and I'd have to get off the couch to turn off the TV.

What is Jesus’ favorite kind of exercise?

Crossfit

Why did the wheel refuse to exercise?

Because it didn't want to tire itself out

What is an Emo Girl's favourite exercise at the gym?

Deadhangs.

The U.S. Army invaded an oil factory by mistake during an exercise

I guess their oilfactory senses were tingling

My New Year's Resolution is to exercise more

I hope it works out...

Why are cheetahs great to exercise with?

Because they will spot you at the gym!

swimmimg regularly is great for exercise

The trick is to swim like a dolphin - playfully but with a sense of porpoise.

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They say that sex is the best form of exercise

Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every three months is going to shift this beer belly.

Where do obstetricians exercise?

At the OB-GYM

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My doctor enquired if I was getting enough exercise. "Does sex count as exercise?" I asked. "Yes, it's a very good form of exercise" he replied.

"No then" I said

Wanna know my favorite leg day exercise?

Skipping.

I'm sick and tired of this "everybody wins" mentality kids have these days.

Seriously, they never exercise, lie in bed 12 hours a day, and sit down far more often than they stand up. And they still get atrophy.

My doctor told me that only exercise will get rid of my big belly.



I asked him if I should join a gym. He said, "No, that's not necessary. Here's the exercise you need: Move your head back and forth from left to right anytime someone asks you if you'd like something to eat."

My favourite exercise

is a cross between a crunch and a lunge... it's called lunch.

Exercise for seniors

Just came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on to some of my younger friends. The article suggested doing it three days a week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have p...

An exercise for people who are out of shape:

Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potat...

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Why should you only exercise on Saturday and Sunday?

Because the other days are weak days.

the say the average redditor doesn't exercise, but they're wrong!

I just spent an hour jumping *to conclusions* and running *my mouth*!

I exercise religiously

I go to the gym for an hour on Sunday morning and then don't think about it again for the rest of the week.

I exercise running up the street knocking on all the doors.

Jehovah's Fitness.

Which is better exercise, chasing a car or running away from one?

Chasing a car. After running from a car you'll just be tired, but after chasing one you'll be exhausted.

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My wife said we need to exercise more. My response was sex can be exercise.

Her response to that was exercise has to last more than five minutes for it to count!

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific so I said

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

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On Exercising

1 - My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where in the worldl she is.

2 - The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

3 - I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven'...

My wife told me last week that I needed to exercise more and do lunges.

But that’s a huge step forward.

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I've finally treated myself to one of those new exercise smartwatches.

So far I've wanked 15 miles

Did you hear about the man who went out for some exercise and ended up robbing a Chinese restaurant?

Police say he told his wife he was just going to take a wok.

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An Exercise of Logic

Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.

Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes."

Bob thinks it's a good idea, an...

I tried this new exercise called the cow stance

And I pulled my calf..

What was Jesus Christ's least favorite form of exercise?

Cross fit.

I told my doctor "exercise is the best antidepressant available "

"Sounds like a bit of a stretch", he replied

Never date someone who exercises to relieve stress…

They’ll run when it gets hard.

I've been hiding from doing any exercise.

I'm in the fitness protection program.

What does exercise have for breakfast?

Eggs!

(Courtesy of my 7 year old son...)

I asked my wife for suggestions for a new exercise routine, and she said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”

I said, “That...sounds like a big step.”

Attempted to exercise this morning...

Didn't work out

My wife started swimming for exercise...

she said it gave her a sense of porpoise.

My doctor said I should exercise on top of a healthy diet.

But surely a treadmill would make more sense?

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Went to the doctors and asked, "What's the best exercise to lose weight?"

He said, "just shake your head"

I said, "How often?"

He replied, "whenever someone offers you food you fat cunt!"

What happens to a book when it starts to exercise a lot?

It gets ripped.

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I majored in Exercise Science in college..

In one of my earliest classes, my professor explained the principal of "use it or lose it". Basically, if you don't work out and stress your muscles and nervous system on a relatively frequent basis, as you get older your muscles, reflexes, and overall abilities will diminish over time. She tells th...

What exercise do you do over calls?

Zoomba

A friend of mine used to be morbidly obese, but after lots of exercise and hard work...

We were able to lift his coffin.

My PE teacher tried to make me exercise...

I told her you can’t make me do squat.

Why doesn't Cardi B do any exercise?

Because if she did she would be Cardio

My new diet and exercise program requires me to not eat for 24 hrs and maintain an erection

It’s a hard and fast rule

I think after the pandemic ends I'm still gonna wear masks when I exercise.

It's a bit of a running gag.

What kind of online exercise do sheep do together?

Zoom-BAAAAAH!

I don't exercise when I'm sick

My nose does the running for me

Everyday I tell the wife I’m gonna do a few miles around the neighborhood for exercise. And I never do lol.

It’s a running joke I have

Doctor: how often do you exercise? Me: 3 times Doctor: A week? A month?

Me: I have given my answer

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They say that every time you have sex it's the same amount of exercise as running 5 miles

But I think that's bullshit because I've never run 5 miles in 30 seconds.

How does pac-man exercise?

He WALKa-WALKa-WALKas

Fantastic exercise

Fantastic exercise that really helps you to lose weight: Turn your head to the left. Good. Turn your head to the right. Very good. Repeat this exercise whenever you are offered any food.

I always see people saying we need to exercise our rights...

But how come I never hear anyone talking about our lefts?

The United States, China and Russia are attending a military exercise competition

To see which army is the strongest, the United Nations placed three rabbits in three forests.the one spent least time and sent least soldiers wins.
On day one, the U.S. Army go first. They spent half a day meeting to formulate a battle plan, strictly divide the labor, and then sent a hundred spe...

[Easter Joke] Q: What kind of exercise did Jesus do to get such good abs?

A: Crossfit

Exercise is like a drug to me

That’s why I’m drug free.

What exercise does Ned Flanders do at the gym?

Diddly squat

Feeling bad about not getting enough exercise?

Get a dog and name him “10 kilometres” so you can say you walk/run 10km every day.

(Doesn’t work in America though.)

The only things Americans exercise

Is their freedom of speech

Man to friend: " The doctor told my wife she should do some exercise."

Friend: "And is she doing this?
Man: "Well, she is - if jumping to conclusions and running up bills can be called exercise!"

What do you call an exercise class instructed by a crazy person?

Psychokinetics

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Little Johnny was in school one day and his teacher was doing a vocabulary exercise.

She asked the class "Okay, can anyone give me a sentence using the word dog?" well little Johnny's hand bolts straight up in the air and she knows he has something dirty to say. she decides to call on another student who also has his hand raised. "My dog sleeps in my bed!"

"good job!" says t...

Why should you always pay a exorcist to exercise your home?

Because if you don’t, they will re-possess your house!

I created a fetish exercise program, but I don’t know how to end it.

We are still working out the kinks.

As well as exercise equipment, Christie Brinkley is now doing advertising for a bicycle parts company.

She's their new spokes model.

I exercise religiously.

I was on the treadmill earlier praying that it would stop.

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Exercising and pooping

My son texted me, "I've noticed that when I exercise, I have to poop more. I'm pooping 2-4 times a day now."

"Sweet!" I replied. "I must be exercising!"

"Or maybe it's just hereditary," he texts back.

The little shit.

A daily exercise routine..

..is like a drug. I avoid drugs.

Apparently, exercise improves your decision making.

It's true. After going to the gym today I've decided I'm never going again.

What do you call a girl that routinely does kegel exercises?

Jacked in the box

I get plenty of exercise.

I'm frequently jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.

After World War II, as part of an exercise in comparative doctrine, three mid-ranking officers were asked...

>"Please give your response, in the context of your wartime service, to an infantryman's query "what happens if we run out of ammunition?".

The British officer gave some nonsense about maintaining a stiff upper lip and leading a singalong.

The German officer explained that he would ...

I offered free exercise lessons for the homeless

now I’ve got 200 squatters!

A soldier was in an army training exercise but they ran out of guns

The soldier said to the guy handing out the paint ball guns “what am I going to do without a gun?” The man replied
“Just point at people and and say bang bang bang”
Without any other options he entered the battlefield.

The enemy rushed his trench and it seemed like all was lost, then h...

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What exercise can Olympic weightlifters still practice in the shower?

The Clean and Jerk.

My dad died because of a lack of exercise.

He didn't run when the bus was coming

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I got told that having sex is the exercise equivalent of running two miles.

I don't believe it. Who the hell runs two miles in 30 seconds?!

Kegels are a good exercise

they make you stronger as a hole

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I’ve been trying to exercise more lately...

Today, my Apple Watch told me I masturbated three miles!

What is an earthquake's favorite exercise?

The shake weight.

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I get free food, a bunk bed, I get a lot of exercise and sex everyday. What's not to like, right? Well....

I can't wait to get out of prison.

My doctor told me to drink less, sleep more, eat healthy & exercise everyday. So today I'm making a big change in my life.

I'm no longer going to that doctor.

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Three Soviet generals wager who has bravest soldiers

Soviet army organizes a large military exercise. Three high-ranking officers - an army general, a navy admiral and an air force commander watch the war games from an observation bunker, drink vodka and argue who has bravest men. They can not reach a conclusion, so the army general calls his troops a...

Best exercise to lose a few pounds...

So my friend who is a fitness instructor just came up with a new exercise to lose pounds in just a matter of days. He calls it the "Brexit".

What does seven days without exercise make?

One weak!

What kind of exercise did the ancient Romans do?

Pontius Pilates

"Gymnasium" in ancient Greek means "naked exercise"…

…but try telling that to the receptionist at the health club…

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