UPJOKE
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Which element is most likely to surrender an electron?

Francium.

Does anyone know where I can find the "Surrender" Emoji?

Nevermind the French flag works fine. 🇫🇷🇫🇷🇫🇷

Why does the French army surrender so quickly?

Because they have nothing Toulouse.

Putin: There’s a lot less Ukrainian soldiers surrendering than I expected.

Putin’s stooge: It’s fewer, Mr. President.

Putin: Don’t call me that. Yet.

Police in Wales (UK) publish results of recent 'Anonymous Offensive Weapon Surrender' scheme.

Cardiff Central Library in which the amnesty took place last night, is already being celebrated as a 'Significant victory for the people of Wales, its safety and security going forward' by its Chief of Police.

Among the 200+ weapons collected in the haul comprised of:

120 knives and s...

The 2000 Chinese women's gymnastics team had to surrender their bronze medal after it was discovered that Dong Fangxiao was younger than the minimum age of 16.

They would've gotten away with it too if it weren't for those medalling kids.

The CIA, F.B.I and a local police department take part in a contest and are tasked with finding a rabbit released in the nearby woods

The police department deploys search squads and dogs, and after 4 hours comes back with the rabbit.

The FBI deploys helicopters and drones and finds the rabbit in 2 hours.

The CIA comes back after 30 minutes with a badly beaten bear who cries out “I am the rabbit! And I surrender”

Two young Russian conscripts in Ukraine approach a platoon of Ukranian fighters to surrender.

They approach with their hands in the air, and their weapons holstered.

"We come to surrender. Our truck is out of fuel and broken down. The rest of our troops are miles away, and none of the gas trucks or repair technicians will be available for days. We are stranded."

The Ukrainian f...

The French surrender even when saying 'Thank you'

They beg for mercy.

What did Vercingetorix say to Caesar upon surrender?

"You've got a lot of Gaul"

-Julius Caesar

*'Commentarii de Bello Gallico'*


**And what's the deal with this so-called 'good' emperor, anyway?**

*Nerva, that guy*

So Putin is woken up at 02:30 in the morning.

"Vladimir Vladimirovich, the Ukrainians want to discuss the terms of surrender." says Putin's secretary.

Putin sits up on his bed and says: "Great, give me my phone, I'll call Zelinsky."

The secretary answers: "That won't be necessary, they are standing behind the door. Also, they gave...

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Surrendering to Germany is like fucking a horse

You only have to do it once to be remembered for it

Why do Russians wear white armbands

so they have something to wave when they surrender

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN:...

What French city always surrenders first?

Toulouse

The american spy

Once upon a time, an american spy who was in Russia, after a long career and for unknown reasons he decided he wants to surrender. He goes to the police, in the front office and he says

-Hello, I'm an american spy and I would like to surrender

-Well sir, do you have a gun?

-yes...

I used to work with a hard working guy who didn't know the meaning of the word surrender, or the meaning of the word capitulate, didn't even know the meaning of the word abandon....

When he retired we bought him a dictionary.

Brexit fallout: my French Toast has just surrendered to my English Muffins. Germany is sending in the Luftwaffle... these events could engulf the entire continental breakfast.

and my Irish coffee is drunk. Again.

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Breaking news : ISIS has surrendered

As soon as they read that Hugh Hefner has died , they realized there won't be any more virgins left for them in heaven, and have laid down their arms and will lead peaceful lives with their current wives .

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A businessman was going on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone.

So he went to a sex shop and started looking around. He goes up to the clerk and explains his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, strap ons, eggs, bullets, wing-wangers and fling-flongers..."

The Businessman in...

Why is the French flag blue, white, and red?

In case a war starts, they can tear off the sides and surrender.

In 1991, a country banned expressions of surrender, acceptance, or agreement.

That marked the fall of the "So be it" Union.

Soviet era joke from my friend

A man walked into the Kremlin and told the receptionist: "I am a spy, I want to surrender to the Soviet government". The receptionist asked "Alright, what's your nationality?" "I'm American" the man replied. The receptionist checked his booklet and said "American spy, surrendering... Go to room 107....

3 men are bragging about their countries

The American speaks first.

"Our missiles are so advanced that they cannot be detected by radar!"

"Ha," said the Russian. "Our missiles are so powerful that they can level Washington in 1 hit!"

"That's nothing," said the German. "Our missiles can hit Paris before France surrender...

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats

and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome"...

What is the first thing French soldiers learn, when joining the military ?

The phrase "I surrender" in german

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A brief history of WWII, told as a bar joke:

An Italian, a German, and an Austrian walk into a bar.

In the bar there’s an American, an Englishman, and a Frenchman, and a Japanese man.

The Frenchman starts talking smack, but when the German throws a punch he immediately surrenders and runs out of the bar.

Meanwhile the Engl...

Manners

A man returns home from work late at night. Suddenly when he gets to a very dark street, a vampiress pops up.

"Mwaa ha ha! mere mortal... surrender your blood! and pull down your pants right now!"

The man, both terrified and confused, replies:

"Wha--I thought you guys a-aimed fo...

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Translation attempt: A Mexican, an American, and a Canadian compete with the Devil to see who gets out of hell

The Devil tells the three of them that whoever can fool him gets out of hell.

The Canadian is first. He is a good guy who never plays jokes on people, so he takes out a coin and makes a pretty basic magic trick. The Devil vaporizes him.

The American is next.

He walks towards th...

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Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hadn’t gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world.

Finally, Karen surrendered. With some courage, she told her family members that she will go out again. That said, she didn’t really know anyone suitable.

Her daughter immediately replied: “Mom! I have someone for you to meet.” Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another, and, afte...

Why is it so hard to invade France?

If you're too slow, they'll surrender.

France and Italy simultaneously declare war on each other

France surrenders

Italy changes sides

Both lose

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Bill was a horny man who had just been deployed to a US army post in another country far away from the US.

Bill slept in a room, that had lots of bunk beds, about 15 and it was usually silent at night. You could hear a pin drop. Bill had his urges but he would not surrender, the power of the nut would not defeat him.

Well, eventually it did and one not trying to be as silent as possible he tried t...

The CIA, KGB and MI6 decide to have a contest.

Each is given the task to find a rabbit
realeased in the woods.

The CIA uses spyplanes and satellites and finds the rabbit in 2 hours.

The MI6 deploys recon and search teams and finds it in 3 hours.

The KGB return after 1 hour with a badly beaten bear who cries out "I am th...

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Long ago, a king issued a challenge to see who can first cross a crocodile-infested river.

On the day of the challenge, the participants were shocked to see how dangerous the river actually was. Crocodile backs were visible nearly every part of the river and the width of the river seemed to stretch miles away to the other bank.

The king, eager to see some violent gory entertainment...

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My history teacher told me a joke about WW2 today...

If you have unknown troops in front of you and you want to find out who they are, fire a few rounds in their direction.

If you are met with precision machine gun fire, they’re German.

If you are met by a volley of precision rifle fire, they are British.

If they surrender, they’r...

Three man sentenced to death

Three man, one French, one Spaniard and one German were sentenced to death by guillotine. The executioner called the first one, the French, and asks him what's was his lest wish before death, he shout out "nothing, I surrender". The executioner drops the blade, but it gets stucked, the executioners ...

Are you French (slightly nsfw)

Because boy are you gonna surrender to me

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A+ Book Reports on Titanic and Bill Clinton

The students at a local college were assigned to read two books, “Titanic” and “My Life” by Bill Clinton, and to write book reports. One student turned in the following book report with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
...

Once upon a time there were three kingdoms.

They all bordered a large lake, which created trade and travel for all three kingdoms. Eventually, the ruler of the first kingdom decided that it wanted to control the whole lake. With his superior navy, he took control. In the generations to follow, his kingdom prospered. The second kingdom tried i...

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A guy named John was sitting in the back of his French class...

As usual for John, he wasn't doing his work and was drifting off to sleep. His teacher saw this every day, but generally ignored him.

So, as the semester goes by, John does the same thing every day. Then, on one of the last days of the semester, Mrs.Meyers, the French teacher, says to him:...

When I was in high school, I was part of the French club.

We didn't really do anything, but every once in a while, we'd surrender to the German club.

Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?

Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.

Shakespeare and Lord Byron at the gates of Heaven

Shakespeare and Lord Byron get to the gates of heaven at the same time but St Peter regrets to confirm that they only have one vacancy left. He decides to let them compete for the one spot in a poem writing competition. He gives the task to include "Timbuktu" in an improvised poem. Lord Byron goes f...

Pre-requisites

*Airforce*: "No guts, No glory!"

*Marines*: "No retreat, No surrender!"

*Army*: "No pain, No gain!"

*Security Guards*: "No I.D, No entry!"

Civil War spoilers

Lee surrenders at Appomatox Courthouse, Abe Lincoln is shot by John Wilkes Booth.

Believe it or not i can actually speak fluent French

I surrender!

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The year is 1943, and an Allied encampment is surrounded by German forces.

There are three regiments in the camp: one American, one British, and one Soviet. The three have been surrounded by the Germans, who have cut off their supply lines and are awaiting a surrender of the Allied troops. After several days, this has put severe strain on the encampment’s supplies.

...

Why do the french hate League of Legends?

They have to wait 20 minutes before surrendering

The green in the French flag...

The green in the French flag represents how many times France hasn't surrendered.

What's the difference between the Taliban and the Confederacy?

The Taliban never surrendered.

White Nationalist should honor the true legacy Robert E. Lee

And surrender.

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Two blonde guys decided to rob a bank

They surrendered everyone and we went straight to a safe box. The first blonde broke into the first one and said: - Dude, come here, this safe has no money! It's full of yogurt! - Man, it's just the same ... Well, that yogurt must be very good to keep in the bank vault. Let's eat everything! After e...

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Chuck Norris Facts!

-can lift up a chair with one hand... While he's sitting on it.

-can make scissors beat rock.

-when he's looks in a mirror, the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough
to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

-can unscramble eggs.

-counted t...

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In the middle ages a French town was under siege by an army from Marseille.

The general of the invading army sent a message to the besieged defenders, "Surrender, you have nothing to lose, Marseille".

They replied, "We shall not surrender, we have too much, Toulouse".

Lane Oliver is blowing up!

The song "Surrender to the fire" is #1 in the french charts

The key to pronouncing a word in French

...is to try to say it the way it's written, and then surrender halfway through.

The Mexican Magician

There was once a famous magician in Mexico lets call him Juan, Juan wanted to move to the U.S. but didn't have the money so he tried to sneak in.

While he was climbing the fence he was spotted by the border patrol, so he hid.

They told him he had until the count of Three to surrender...

A priest a rabbi and a minister go camping

There is a bet on which one could convert a bear. A week or so later the rabbi is in the hospital and the others go to visit him. The priest tells the others that while walking in woods the bear started chasing him. The priest sprinkled the bear a couple of times and the bear surrendered. The minist...

Hi dad, I'm vegan

- Hi vegan, I'm... I cannot, it's too much! I can't tell this joke EVERY morning. I surrender, you're my kryptonite!

A Frenchman and an Ethiopian got into a heated argument.

The Frenchman said, "We have better food, wine, standard of living, transportation, infrastructure, economy, and GDP than you! What do you have? Nothing!"

The Ethiopian answered, "At least we didn't surrender to the Axis!"

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The old farmer and his dear friend went to the market.

The market was full of various stalls stocked with agricultural goods & wares. Whilst browsing the plentiful market the old farmer couldn’t help but notice a busty blonde lady and he stared at her longingly.

“Corrr!” Whispered the old farmer to his pal. “I’ll pay a pretty penny to get me...

The Three-Legged Pig

An insurance salesman decides to make one last cold call on his country route and winds up way in the back country at the end of a dirt road. He drives up to the farm, gets out of the car with his briefcase, and walks up to the door. On his way, he glances at the fenced in area attached to the bar...

The starship Enterprise is about to face annihilation from a superior ship, but Picard comes up with a cunning plan.

"We'll beam Lieutenant Worf on to their ship to offer our unconditional surrender", says Picard

"But Captain", interrupts Riker, "they might not take us seriously if you send Worf. It might be wise to send Commander Troi".

"Nonsense! Put him in a wooly sweater, a wooly hat and gloves,...

French Presidential bodyguard accidentally discharges weapon whilst on duty...

France & Italy have both offer their immediate unconditional surrender.

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Alien experiment

So these 2 aliens get orders to go to this new planet earth and abduct a human for studying. The aliens, not knowing what a human looks like, happen to land at a gas station.

Alien A walks up to the gas pump and shrugs and says, " human surrender and come with us" the gas pump doesn't do any...

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Heard this one in history class.

North Korea threatened to bomb the US and France immediately surrendered.

[Long] There was this thief...

His name was John. Now John was the best there was. He had pulled off many heists and gathered millionsnof dollars. Many of the crimes were known, but the police did not know they were linked, as he used a completely different method each time.

So one day John goes to perform his biggest heis...

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general knowledge quiz

Teacher: "Good morning children, each Thursday we're going to have a general knowledge quiz.

The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday."

Wee Jock (a typical Scottish wag) thinks, "Ya dancer. Ah'm pure dead brilliant at ...

In every country of the world children play "war"

Exept in France where they play "surrender"

A quote from a WWII veteran...

If you see a group of soldiers but don't know where they're from fire a stray bullet in their direction and see how they react.

If they respond with precise rifle fire they're British.

If they respond with a frenzy of machine gun fire they're German.

If they try running away the...

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3 explorers are ambushed by cannibals...

Fighting valiantly the explorers held their ground longer than expected. Unfortunately they were outnumbered by the cannibalistic tribesman 5 to 1. They were eventually forced to surrender.
Defeated, the explorers were bound together and gagged by the tribesman, who carried off the three men to ...

What's a Mexican's favorite Cheap Trick song?

A Texan will tell you "Surrender" but we all know it's "I Juan you to Juan me"

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Friday evening a notorious murderer

has just escaped from Texas State Prison.
Police advise members of the public that they should not approach him at any costs, but report any sightings to their nearest police station.

Saturday afternoon, the convict surrender himself to police.

When asked why he gave himself up...

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A woman with no arms and no legs...

A woman with no arms and no legs is sitting by herself, crying, on a park bench facing a lake just before sunset. A handsome young man wandered by and noticed the woman crying. He walks up to her and places a comforting hand on her shoulder, saying "What's wrong, ma'am?"

"Oh...", the young wo...

Did you hear that the French President is getting divorced?

Apparently he came home early and caught his wife surrendering to a German.

Two Africans and an Englishman are caught jaywalking in the U.S...

The police let the two Africans off with a warning. Then they pull their guns on the Englishman and shoot him eight times, even though his hands are up in surrender.

"Well, so much for stereotypes!" says the first South African.

"Was that sarcasm?" says the second. "He was the only o...

A man comes into jail the first time in life...

On the first day in the shower a huge hairy guy full of muscles comes out of the fog right to him :"You're my new wife now. Let's get it on."

The man looks all around but theres nobody who'll help him and he surrenders in fear of what might come.

"With or without spit?" asks the big h...

French Jokes

What's the standard issue weapon in the French army? A white flag.

What's the only French martial art? Parkour, the art running away.

Like the entrance to Hogwarts, if you look at the French flag from exactly the right angle (like that of an invading army), it turns white.

An Am...

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