UPJOKE
policetrooperofficerconstablearrestpolicewomanlawmanpolice officerdetectiveinspectormanlawcrimemurdercop

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back garden is ...

Policeman: How could you kill...

...69 people? What the hell was wrong with you?

Driver: I was driving at 80km/h when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a wedding party. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realized they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into t...

a policeman calls for backup

Dispatch, we've got a homicide here. Looks like This old lady just shot her husband. She claims it was because he kept tracking dirt over her freshly mopped floors. Over

Understood, is the suspect in custody? Over.

No dispatch. The floor isn't dry yet.

A policeman stops a car... Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”

Miner: “Mine.”

Policeman: You’re going to prison for forgery.

Me: *Slides him a $37 bill*. What about now?

A policeman goes home to his wife

A policeman goes home to his wife in the evening after work. Exhausted, he enters the dark bedroom and strips out of his uniform, leaving it on the floor. He looks for the light switch but figures his wife is laying in bed and decides not to disturb her. Just before he's about to get into bed, his w...

What’s the difference between a policeman and a bullet?

Atleast when a bullet kills someone. It’s fired.

A policeman pulled me over and asked: How high are you?

I responded: No officer, it's "Hi! How are you?!!"

A policeman knocked on my door this morning...

A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.

After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.
The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
...

A policeman searched me last night...

A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.

"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed.
I said, "...

The kid runs up to a policeman

"Officer!" yells the kid, "My father is in a fight with another man!"
The officer says "Calm down kid, where is he?"
"He's right around the corner!" exclaims the kid.
The cop follows him around the corner, and sure enough, there's two men going at it as hard as they can.
"...

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A policeman sees a little girl riding her bike...

A policeman sees a little girl riding her bike and says, “Did Santa get you that?”
“Yes,” replies the little girl.
“Well,” says the policeman, “tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year,” and fines her $5.
The girl looks up at the policeman and says, “Nice horse you’ve go...

A policeman pulls a farmer over for speeding and proceeds to write him a ticket...

The farmer notices some flies buzzing around annoying the officer. The policeman is shooing flies more than he's writing.

The farmer says "I see you're being bothered by those circle flies."

The policeman says, "If that's what you call them, yes, they are somewhat annoying."

The...

A policeman spotted an elderly lady driving while knitting.

"Pullover!" he screamed.

"No, it's a scarf!" she yelled back.

A policeman pulls over a driver...

for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
“I can't do that, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.”

“Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the s...

A man named Jeff was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him.

The officer looked in the back of Jeff’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”



Jeff replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”



“You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said.



The next day, the officer saw Jeff driving d...

A policeman walks by a street vendor

Policeman:”What are you selling?”

Vendor:” Apple seeds... $5 a pop!”

Policeman:”What???Why would anyone want to eat apple seed?”

Vendor:” They make you smarter!”

Policeman:” OK, give me one (swallows it)... wait a minute? For $5 I could have bought a pound of apples and g...

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that'...

What do you call a policeman in bed?

An undercover cop

A policeman is driving past a roadside apple stand when he notices the sign: "Apple seeds, guaranteed to make you smarter, $20 per seed."

He pulls over and informs the vendor that it is fraud and false advertising to make absurd claims like this.

"No, no, no," the vendor tells the cop, "my apples are a special variety. A scientific miracle. Buy just one seed, eat it, and you will notice an increase in intelligence. If not, I pr...

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What did the policeman say to his belly button?

You're under a vest!

A POLICEMAN pulls over a speeding car and takes out his little book.

The driver lowers her window.

Policeman: “Name, please?”

Woman: “Freda.”

Policeman: “Surname?”

Woman: “Gonow.”

Policeman: “So you are Freda Gonow.”

Woman: “Thanks very much”, and she takes off!

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A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "Murderer!" "Killer! ".

The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.

The policeman : Tell me what happened.

The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either crash the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into th...

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The husband leans over and asks his wife "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?

We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a cr...

drug-sniffing dog

Me: "Sweet dog you got there"

Policeman: "Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog."

Me: "Still in training, huh?"

Policeman: "What do you mean?"

Me: "Nevermind"

“What’s your name?" asked a policeman when he stopped me.



"Bartholomew." I said.



"And your last name?" he continued.



"It's always been Bartholomew." I said.

An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over.

The policeman says: “Sir, do you realize you were traveling at 130km per hour?”

The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost."

A policeman pulled me over on Friday night.

"Excuse me mister, how do I get to the local zoo?" I asked, giggling.

He sighed and said, "I don't know. Do I look like a tour guide to you?"

Then he asked me to remove my sunglasses. Once I'd done that he shook his head.

"Jesus..." he frowned. "What drugs are you on?"

I ...

The Pope is on a visit to the US, riding in the back of a limo

The Pope is on a visit to the US, riding in the back of a limo. The driver asks him if he needs anything.

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job...

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A policeman is at the roadside, looking at passing cars.

Suddenly he sees one approaching. Without warning, he whistles, signals for it to stop,then pulls out his gun and fires a shot in the air.

At once, the car stops. The policeman approaches it. Inside, a snow-pale driver is sitting.

\- What... officer... what did I do? I could swear I've...

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.”

“Well, tell me!” the man said.

The policeman said: “We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wi...

The Irish and the Policeman

An Irish priest is driving home from a night at his favorite bar. An officer notices the Irishman swerving all over the road and proceeds to pursue. The Irishman pulls over and the cop makes his way to the driver. Checking the vehicle and noticing bottles over the floorboard, the Policeman asks, "Ha...

A man is driving a van full of penguins and is pulled over by a cop...

“Sir,” says the policeman. “Are you aware that there are penguins in your van?”

“Yep,” says the man. “They’re my penguins. They belong to me.”

The policeman looks at the man in disbelief and then back at the penguins, who noot at him.

“Sir, I’m afraid this is unacceptable. I nee...

A policeman stops a young rich kid driving a porche.

Policeman - please get out of the car.

Rich kid- you'll regret this. Do you know who my father is?

Policeman - why? Your mother didn't tell you?

A policeman, an archer, and a soldier are on an airplane losing altitude.

The pilot yells to these passengers, "We're carrying too much weight, drop whatever you got!"

The policeman drops his pistol, the archer drops his bow and arrow, and the soldier drops a grenade out of the hatch door.

The plane still crashes, and all three passengers wake up in differen...

Late one night a police officer was patrolling a desolate area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark.

Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting.

The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The star...

Putin is held hostage by a terrorist.

A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks:

Driver: What's going on?

Policeman: ...

A policeman stoped me today and asked for my license.

He said: “It says here that you should be wearing glasses."

I said: “Well, I have contacts."

The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

Policeman interrupts young couple parked in cemetery

He shines his flashlight in the faces of the embarrassed couple and asks "Didn't you see the sign that says the cemetery is closed after sunset?"

The young man replies "No officer, we drove in the other entrance that has the sign that says "Get lots while you're young."

I am going to meet my girlfriend’s parents for the first time. Her dad is a policeman. She ask me to bring something to impress her dad.

So I brought in 2 suspects

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A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says...

He’s never been with a prostitute before, so excitedly he says, what the hell

They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indign...

Uvalde citizen gets pulled over

A very cute blonde was pulled over for speeding by an Uvalde motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book, she said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the policeman's Ball."

The cop replied, "No, ma'am. You're thinking of the Border Patrol , the Uval...

What's the difference between a wizard's wand and a policeman's truncheon?

One is used for cunning stunts, the other is used for...

... apprehending criminals.

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A policeman stands near the road...

Waiting for some cars to pass by. Finally a family sedan appears in his sight and as the car approaches the officer gives a signal to the driver to pull up. A young man and a young woman are sitting on the front seats while an elderly pair had taken the seats behind them. The sedan stops and the pol...

I was pulled over by a policeman in Texas

He asked if I had any weapons in the vehicle. I told him I didn’t.

He then took out his gun out of its holster and said “here, you should never travel without a gun in Texas” and took off.

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did...

A Policeman pulled over an older lady,

He walked up to her window and asked "Ma'am, do you know why I pulled you over?"

The woman said, "I just don't know, Officer, was it to invite me to your Police Ball?"

The Officer said, "Ma'am, the Police don't have balls...." He paused for a minute, closed his ticket book and said "Ha...

A policeman was walking through the station. He didn’t notice he was walking along a line of poo.

He slipped in the poo and fell to the ground. He was ok, but the other officers were terribly distraught.
It’s always hard to see a fellow officer fall on a line of doodee.

A man was arrested and taken to an interrogation room

He says to the police officer, "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present."

"You are the lawyer," says the policeman.

"Exactly, so where's my present?"

A policeman runs over to a hit-and-run victim, who says “My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!”

The cop says, “That car hit you from behind. How do you know it was your mother-in-law?” The victims says, “I recognize the laugh.”

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A lawyer gets pulled over

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a policeman. Cop says, "License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What for?" Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete s...

A man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?"

"No," says the cop.
"What about all these other cars?"
"They didn't ask!"

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After work, a man gets pulled over by a cop.

The policeman approaches the drivers' door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost i...

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A traffic policeman stops some boys on a bike.

"Hey, why are there three of you riding a single bike at once? Don't you know it's illegal?"

"Three?! Holy shit, guys, did Jake fall off somewhere??"

A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?"

"I'm an undercover detective."

"Then why are you in uniform?"

"Today is my day off."

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Guy is stopped by the policeman

"Sir, you were speeding I will need to give you a ticket. Do you have an ID, driving license and car insurance?"

"This isn't my car. But I think I saw insurance card in the glove box when I put there my gun. I can check."

"Sir are you armed?"

"Yes, as I told you, my gun is in th...

In Soviet Russia policeman questioning a man:

*This body is your mother in law, yes?*

**Yes**

*How did she die?*

**Mushroom poisoning**

*But why does she have 26 stab wounds?*

**She was refusing to eat them**

A policeman knocked at my door.....

I answered and he said "Mr. Smith? it's your wife, I'm afraid it looks like she's been in an accident."


I said "I know, but she has a great personality and is a wonderful m̶u̶m̶ cook."

What's a policeman's favorite gaming console?

wii-u

wii-u

wii-u

wii-u


heh

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A cop sees a kid on the playground playing with poop and sand

He goes up to him and asks, "What are you doing, kid?". The kid says, "Making a policeman".
The cop loses his mind, gives the kid a beating and sends him home.
The next day the cop sees the same kid in the same spot, playing with poop and sand.
He asks, "What are you doing?". The kid ...

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A man gets pulled over at a DUI checkpoint...

A man is driving home from a party with his wife and son. They get pulled over at a DUI checkpoint and the policeman gives the man the breathalizer test. The machine beeps and the policeman asks the man to step out of the car.

"Bullshit!", he exclaims in response. "I haven't had a single drop...

An old lady was walking down the street

An old lady was walking down the street with two huge bags over her shoulders. While suddenly, one of the bags break and 100$ bills start falling on the sidewalk one after another.

A policeman going in the opposite direction notices this and alerts the lady:
“Excuse me, I think one of your...

What do you call a policeman who patrols farmers fields?

A beet cop!

When the pope was visiting America

He told the driver of his limo that he had the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man and would not ever dream of questioning the Pope’s authority. So the Pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.

They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80km/h, ...

A policeman pulls over a speeding Ferrari.

He looks through the window and to his annoyance sees a rebellious looking teenager.
The policeman decides he's going to teach this spoiled kid a lesson.
He takes a piece of chalk and draws a circle on the floor.

"Get out of the car and stand in the circle. If I see you step out, I'll...

A policeman knocked on my door this morning...

A policeman knocked on my door this morning & said, "I'm afraid, I've got some bad news".

I said, "Oh you poor thing, come in and I'll help you through it".

What do you get when you cross a policeman with a skunk?

Law and odor.

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Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said

“TWO PROSTITUTES $50.00." A policeman stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just then, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?"
Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. ...

What Not to Say to a Policeman:

-I cant reach my license unless you hold my beer.

-Sorry, Officer, I didnt realize I was driving.

-Wow, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me!

-I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

-You're not gonna check the trunk...

A policeman just pulled me over. He came up to my window and said, "papers?"

I said, "Scissors, I win," and drove off.

I think he wants a re-match he's been chasing me for 45 minutes.

What does a policeman have with his whisky?

Just ice

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A bus full of politicians crashes in a deserted area

there was only one man that could see the accident. The farmer who owns the house nearby heard the noises and goesto take a look, calling the police and ambulance on the way. 30 minutes later a policeman knocks on his door and asks "Where are the people involved in crash?" The farmer says "Don't wor...

A drunk man ran over a policeman, and immediately dials 911

- 911?
- Yes
- Well, now you're 910.

A policeman said he wanted to search my car.

"You won't find any drugs," I told him.

He said, "You don't sound sure about that."

I said, "Trust me, I looked earlier."

Excuse me sir, how much have you had to drink tonight?

A cop waited outside a popular pub hoping to nab a drunk-driver.

At closing time, as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry.

The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk.

He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes looking for his car.
...

Policeman stops a guy running with scissors

\- "Hey, where are you running with those scissors?" asks policeman.

\- "To hospital. They just called and told me my mother in-law life is hanging by a thread"

A policeman stops a car that is going very slowly on the I40 highway, and says to the driver "Why are you going so slow? You're holding up traffic!"

"Well," says the man, "the signs say I40."

"That's the road number," says the policeman, "not the speed limit."

Then he notices a woman in the back seat, trembling all over. "Is your passenger all right, sir?" he asks.

"Don't worry officer," says the man, "my wife is always lik...

The policeman

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.

Just then, his wi...

The Pope is visiting Canada.

After completing his visit, the Canadian government gives him a chauffeur-driven car to see the natural beauty of Canada. After 20 kilometers through Canada, he says to the driver:

"Oh, let me get behind the wheel. I'm from the narrow Papal States, and I always have to sit in the back of the...

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A girl was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them.

The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, “Why ar...

An employee is absent.

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employee was absent without giving any prior notice. Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whispered, "Hello."

"Is your Daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispere...

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Guy gets pulled over by a policeman on a motorcycle...

Cop comes up and says "You know why I pulled you over?"

Guy says "yes, I was going way over the limit but I am running super late for work"

Cop says "and what could be so imperative that makes you rush to work. What type of work do you do?"

Guy responds "I'm a rectum stretcher!...

Policeman

Policeman:'This dog tells me you have used drugs'
Me:'I have used drugs? You're the one that talks to dogs.'

Policeman approaches individual in suspicious behavior

Officer: have you ever been arrested?

Individual: yes sir

Officer: for drug trafficking?

Individual: no sir, i don't mess with drugs, they're bad for your health

Officer: so what's your crime?

Individual: organ trafficking

A man drives Home from a Firefighter-Party.

He is a bit loaded , so he drives very carefully to not get any Cops attention.

But its not enough and he runs into a Patrol.

Policeman:"And where do you come from?"

Man:"Im driving home from a Firefighter Party, yes im loaded and im sorry...."

The Policeman cuts him off:...

The Lawyer's Car

A lawyer had just bought a fancy new car, and was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took off the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it would ...

A policeman is told to write a report at a crime scene.

Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the pawemant......he is lying on the pave.........p a v e

*The policeman kicks the body onto the street*

Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the street.

What do you call it when a British policeman gets defeated in a wrestling match?

A Bobby pin

Yesterday, a policeman knocked at my the door.

He asked if he could come in. I answered: „No, I’m sorry. We‘re already ten people, the government doesn’t allow more at the time.”

A policeman pulls over a man driving recklessly

The policeman asks "How high are you?"

The man says "No sir, it's 'Hi, how are you?'."

A policeman comes to work, all happy. "Guess what?" He says. His co-workers ask: "We don't know, what?" The policeman answers:

"I bought a Lego set for 3+ years and managed to build it in a year!"


(Was funnier in my language)

Police stop a driver suspected of DUI.

"We need to perform breathalyzer test to determine the fact" the policeman informs the driver. "Can't do" answers the driver. "And why not?" Inquires the policeman "Because I'm asthmatic." "Very well, concedes the policeman "then we'll perform blood test." Can't do that either" replies the drives "A...

Why did the policeman go to the Lebanese restaurant?

He was following up reports of a possible hummus side

A policeman stops a car after suspecting the driver of being heavily drunk

Officer: how high are you ?
The driver: no officer , it's " hi , how are you?"

Policeman stops priest on the bike...

Policeman: Hello father. Your light isn't working. That will be 20$.
Priest: Don't worry mister, i'm not in danger. Jesus is always with me.
Policeman: Sorry father. Then the fine is 40$ because two persons are not allowed to ride a bike.

I heard a policeman say "I'll never forget nine eleven"

And I thought "Well, duh, that's your phone number".

Waiting game

A policeman, patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot, saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting.

Stopping to investigate, he walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The ...

How many policeman does it take to change a lightbulb

none they just beat the room for being black

A policeman pulled me over.

"Sir, were you drunk driving?" he asked me.

"No," I slurred.

"I'm going to need to step out of your vehicle immediately," he stated.

I laughed. "You're a moron!"


"I'm a moron, am I? How so?"


"You think this is my car."

A policeman knocked on my door.

"I need a word with you right now."

"OK," I replied, thinking to myself. Then I added: "Got one...'sa*u*sage'."

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The Policeman & The Hispanic

It’s around the holiday season and Bob the policeman is scheduled to work. He decides to set up a speed trap at his favorite roadway in Arkansas.

It’s been a few hours and Bob hasn’t seen a single driver. Just then, suddenly a pickup truck flies past him doing well over double the speed limit...

Policeman: What's your name?

Man: The Wizard of Oz

Policeman: What is your FULL name?

Man: (mumbled) The Wizard of Ounces...

The policeman told me he was chasing a man with one leg

I told him to use both he would get him faster

A policeman pulled me over

What do you do for a living, sir?



It's a strange profession, you have probably never heard of it. But I'm an insect blender.



An... insect blender?



Yes, I combine insects for a living



Right...



A few minutes later I reached int...

A policeman pulls over a guy for speeding

The officer walks up to him and says "look buddy, its 16:50 on a Friday night and I knock off in 10 mins. I really don't want to be filling in paperwork so tell you what? Give me a good excuse for speeding away from me, and I'll let you go. The man thinks for a second and says "my wife ran off with ...

A policeman is speaking in court...

Lawyer: “So the defendant shot and killed her husband for stepping on the freshly mopped floor?”
Officer: “Yes, that is correct.”
Lawyer: “And it took you an hour to arrest her in the home? Why?”
Officer: “The floor was still wet.”

Blonde interviews to be a policeman

A blonde goes to an interview to be a police officer. The interview goes well until the interviewer asks some general knowledge questions. She does ok on the first few, until she is asked, " who shot Abraham Lincoln?"

She tells the interviewer she doesn't know, and he tells her to go home...

Policeman: why do you keep beating your wife??

Me: I think it's the weight difference, the longer reach, and superior footwork

What did the policeman say to the condom?

"Cover me; I'm going in."

A policeman pulls over a car with three people inside it

He says to the driver “why were you speeding?”
The driver says “we weren’t sir. I don’t know what you’re talking about”
The guy in the passenger seat says “he lies when he’s drunk. We were speeding.”
The third guy says “nah they’re both drunk. We were speeding because we stole the car”

A policeman is trying to pull a car over

He follows the car for miles with the lights and siren before the driver finally pulls over.
"What the hell were you thinking?!", asks the cop.
"Well", says the man, "thirty years ago my wife ran off with a cop and I thought you might be trying to give her back!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One secret policeman asks another, “What do you think of the regime?” ...

Nervously, the second policeman replies, “The same as you, comrade.” At that point the first one pulls out handcuffs and says, “In that case, it is my duty to arrest you.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

Policeman: "I'm very sorry, sir,..."

Policeman: I'm very sorry, sir, but it looks like your wife got hit by a bus.

Man: I’m aware of that, but Karen has a wonderful personality.

A policeman knocks at the door

A man opens it, and the policeman tells him with a serious expression:.

"I'm sorry to have to tell you this sir, but it looks like your wife was ran over by a truck.".

"Yes I know, but she has an excellent personality!"

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