This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Lulu was a prostitute, but didn't want her grandmother to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes lined up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu"s grandma came by and saw her grandaughter. Grandma asked, "why are you standing in lin...

A man is staggering home drunk after last call. A policeman sees the man stumbling around and asks where he’s going.

​

“I’m heading to a lecture,” the man slurs in response.

​

“A lecture?” the skeptical cop responds. “Who would be giving a lecture at this time of the night?”

​

“My wife,” the drunk man answers.

A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”

The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”

“You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said.

The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A driver is pulled over by a policeman....

The policeman approaches the drivers door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it...

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that'...

What did the policeman shout when he caught seafood thieves red-handed?

NOBODY MOVE A MUSCLE.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Policeman & The Hispanic

It’s around the holiday season and Bob the policeman is scheduled to work. He decides to set up a speed trap at his favorite roadway in Arkansas.

It’s been a few hours and Bob hasn’t seen a single driver. Just then, suddenly a pickup truck flies past him doing well over double the speed limit...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy gets pulled over by a policeman on a motorcycle...

Cop comes up and says "You know why I pulled you over?"

Guy says "yes, I was going way over the limit but I am running super late for work"

Cop says "and what could be so imperative that makes you rush to work. What type of work do you do?"

Guy responds "I'm a rectum stretcher!...

What does a policeman get for doing overtime on the chemistry lab murder?

His Copper Nitrate

An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over...

The policeman says: "Sir, do you realize you were traveling at 130km per hour?"

The electron goes: "Oh great, now I'm lost."

Policeman: "Sir, you just told an officer an awful pun. I'm going to have to give you a-"

Me: "Fine..."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A policeman stops three guys on a motorcycle

He asks them: "Are you crazy? What the hell are three of you doing on such a small motorcycle!?"

One of the three guys replies: "Three? OH SHIT GUYS, BOBBY FELL OUT!"

Policeman: “Why didn’t you report that your credit card’s been stolen?”

Man: “The thief was spending less than my wife.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In this day and age instead of words like, "policeman"and "policewoman"

it’s better to use gender-neutral terms such as "fucking pigs".

Policeman: Why didn’t you stop immediately when you saw my flashing lights?

Me: Well officer, you see my ex-wife ran off with a cop and I thought you were trying to give her back.

While the pope was visiting the USA,

While the pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of questioning the pope's authority. So the pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.
They were traveling down the ...

A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph

,looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140, then 150, ... then 155. Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up to him.

The officer walked up to him, looke...

How many policeman does it take to change a lightbulb

none they just beat the room for being black

A Policeman just knocked on my door

and told me my dogs were out chasing people on bikes. Weird, my dogs don't even own bikes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern...

The husband leans over and asks his wife,
“Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you.”
“Yes,” she says,
“I remember it well.”
“OK,” he says,
“how about taking a strol...

A doctor, priest, policeman, dog, Christian, comedian, blind man, Rabbi, firefighter, and Amy Schumer walk into a bar.

The bartender sighs and says, "My life is a joke."

A policeman stops a prostitute that was working on the streets

"Aren't you thinking what would your mother says if she sees you doing it on the streets?"

Until the woman responded: "Hit me without a doubt because this is her alley"

A policeman just pulled me over. He came up to my window and said, "papers?"

I said, "Scissors, I win," and drove off.

I think he wants a re-match he's been chasing me for 45 minutes.

"There's a great deal of noise coming from your boot," said the policeman.

"It's my subwoofer, officer. Rather bassy isn't it?"

He frowned and said, "Sir, I've never heard a subwoofer scream for help before."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old woman was walking with two big plastic bags. One of the bags had a small tear, and 20$ bills kept on falling from the bag. A policeman saw this and he stopped her.

Policeman : Madam, you are dropping 20$ bills.
Old lady : Oh thank you so much sir.
Policeman : By the way, where did you get all of this money ? Did you steal?
Old lady : Oh no! Well it's a long story.
my house is next to a golf course. There is a hole on my fence. People keep coming an...

When the policeman bought shoes

He COPPED them

A policeman knocked on my door this morning...

A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.

After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it. The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.

Th...

What happens when a policeman tries to recall a dream?

He goes into "Thought pursuit"

A policeman is walking an illegal prostitute back to his police car...

On the way there, the policeman bumps into his captain. The captain asks: "what's going on here then?" The policeman replies: "I found an illegal prostitute on the sidewalk sir" The captain says: "I can see that, but why the hell are you the one in the handcuffs?!"

The Irish and the Policeman

An Irish priest is driving home from a night at his favorite bar. An officer notices the Irishman swerving all over the road and proceeds to pursue. The Irishman pulls over and the cop makes his way to the driver. Checking the vehicle and noticing bottles over the floorboard, the Policeman asks, "Ha...

A guy was robbed in the park.

He called the police. After 10 minutes, a policeman arrived.

He asked: "Can you describe the person?"

The guy answered: " Yeah. It was a man, he had a beard, was really big, approximately 1.95m."

The policeman looked confused and said: "Wow, that's a pretty long beard. can't be ...

A policeman searched me last night...

A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.
"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."
"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed. I said, "I'll prove ...

A policeman stopped two priest driving down the road. Policeman says we are looking for a couple of paedophiles, the two priest look at each other and says to the policeman..

Ok we will do it....

What is a Policeman’s favorite time on a clock

12:00 because both hands are up

A policeman pulled me over on his motorcycle.

I don't know why, I told him I was only borrowing it for 5 minutes.

A tall policeman and a blonde

Cop: "Let's see your license"

"What's that?'


"The thing in your purse with your face on it"

The Blonde pulls out her compact, looks at it, hands it to the cop.

Cop sighs, unzips.

Blonde: "Oh no! Another breathalyzer!"

Policeman: "I'm very sorry, sir,..."

Policeman: I'm very sorry, sir, but it looks like your wife got hit by a bus.

Man: I’m aware of that, but Karen has a wonderful personality.

A policeman said he wanted to search my car.

"You won't find any drugs," I told him.

He said, "You don't sound sure about that."

I said, "Trust me, I looked earlier."

A Welsh policeman heard a commotion at a nearby farm and went to investigate.

He walked into the barn to see the farmer making love to a sheep.

"Bloody hell, Farmer Greg! Don'tcha know that's wrong?"

The farmer looked up at the policeman and said, "If loving ewe is wrong, I don't wanna be right!"

A man was walking down the street around 3am, obviously drunk, missing a shoe and weaving to and fro, when a policeman spotted him and stopped his car along the curb nearby.

"Good evening sir, would you mind stepping over here for a moment, please?" the policeman asked.

Haltingly, the man came over to the police car. "Gooodsh evening occifer, whass the trouble?"

"Well," the officer began, "it seems you're not quite in any condition to be walking along in ...

Why did the policeman stay in bed?

He was undercover

A retired policeman decides to get into aquatic mammal identification.

Whale whale whale, what do we have here then?

The policeman looked at the tree with the hanging dead body. "It's a murder", he shouted.

The crows flew away.

A policeman pulls a farmer over for speeding and proceeds to write him a ticket.

The farmer notices some flies buzzing around annoying the officer. The policeman is shooing flies more than he's writing.
The farmer says "I see you're being bothered by those circle flies."

The policeman says, "If that's what you call them, yes, they are somewhat annoying."

The far...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did the policeman say to his belly button?

You're under a vest.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Kids this day. Policeman V/S the girl.

A policeman on his horse says to little girl on her bike, "Did santa get you that?"
"Yes," she replies

"Well tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year," and fines her $5. The little girl look up at the policeman and says, "Nice horse you've got there. Did Santa bring you that too...

When I was little I got lost at the fair. I got a policeman to help me look for my parents.

I asked him if we would find my parents. He said I don't know kid.... there's so many places they could hide.

Credit goes to Rodney Dangerfield.

A policeman arrives at the crime scene

"Now, Madam, can you describe the man who stole your handbag?"

"Oh, it all happened so fast! He pushed me over from behind, I didn't see him at all. One thing though; he was a vegan."

"How do you know that?"

"He told me as he was running off."

What did the policeman say to the man when he caught him peeing in public?

Urine trouble!

What am I supposed to do with this? "What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.

"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."

A man was walking in Central Park in NYC...

Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.

A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says, "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspape...

A couple of policeman tried to arrest me for wearing a pair of humongous bear gloves.

I told them to check the Second Amendment.

The man who stutters tremendously finds a horse...

The man who stutters tremendously finds a horse on the street in Brooklyn. He decides call the police.
Man: I've f-f-found a w-w-wandering h-h-horse.
Policeman: Okay. We will come. Where are you now?
Man: In Br-r ... (stutters tremendously)
Policeman: Bronx?
Man: Br-r ... Damn (hangs ...

What did the smoothie say to the policeman?

Don’t arrest me, I’m Innocent

I was stopped by a policeman and he asked me why I was speeding.

"Care to explain why you were going double the speed limit?" he asked.

I said, "I'm sorry, but my wife's about to give birth, I must hurry."

"Oh," he hesitated, "are you going to pick her up?"

"No, I'm going to the airport."

I saw a policeman give a speech on herion the other day....

Couldn't understand a word he was saying.

A policeman stopped me for driving over 30.

But I swear I got at least 40 people.

The kid runs up to a policeman

"Officer!" yells the kid, "My father is in a fight with another man!"
The officer says "Calm down kid, where is he?"
"He's right around the corner!" exclaims the kid.
The cop follows him around the corner, and sure enough, there's two men going at it as hard as they can.
"...

A policeman knocked at my door.....

I answered and he said "Mr. Smith? it's your wife, I'm afraid it looks like she's been in an accident."


I said "I know, but she has a great personality and is a wonderful m̶u̶m̶ cook."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Usain Bolt was going for run around his neighborhood when a policeman pulled him over.

Usain, confused to why he was being apprehended, asked, "Is there a problem with a black man going for a run?"
The cop respond, "No, you were doing 30 in a 15."

What are the four hardest years for a policeman?

First grade

So a man is walking a penguin down the street...

So a man is walking a penguin down the street on a lead. A policeman sees him and stops the man.

The policeman says, "what are you doing?! Take that penguin to the zoo!"

A week later, the policeman sees the man with the penguin again.

He says, "hey, I thought I told you to take ...

"You were going 40 in a 30," said the policeman, rubbing his hands together in the freezing cold.

"I wasn't, actually. I was going 30," I assured him.

"What makes you so sure of that?" he asked.

"Look at my dashboard," I replied, "it says -10."

I saw a policeman give a talk on heroin once.

couldn't understand what he was saying...

What did the policeman say to the missing waste collector?

Where you bin man?

A policeman pulled a man over and as he approached the window he immediately drew his gun and screamed "Where's the little girl!"

The man said, "What little girl?!"

The officer aimed his gun and yelled again, "SHOW ME THE LITTLE GIRL!"

The man now in tears, said, "I SWEAR I DON'T KNOW!"

The officer smiled and said, "...There's the little girl."

A policeman pulls over a man driving recklessly

The policeman asks "How high are you?"

The man says "No sir, it's 'Hi, how are you?'."

Two policemen are sitting by the river taking a break.

Two policemen are sitting by the river taking a break.
A farmer arrives in his pickup truck and asks them:

*Do you know how deeps is the water here? Will i be able to drive through?*

*Sure you can! It’s really shallow!* - one of the policemen answers

The farmer drives his pic...

The policeman asked me why I keep beating my wife...

I told him I have a longer reach and superior footwork.

A policeman stops a car

A policeman stops a car and says

"Sir, I saw your children fall out of your car a few miles back so I picked them up and tried to catch up to you. Didn't you notice that?"

The man looks at the policeman with great relief and says:

"Thank god! I thought I went deaf!"

A policeman is walking near a lake..

He noticed a man with a bucket full of fish. No one is allowed to fish in that lake unless you have a license so the police goes up to him and says

"May I see your fishing licence please? If you don't have one then I'm afraid I have to give you a ticket of $500"

The fisherman responds ...

A policeman walks into a barber shop...

A policeman walks into a barber shop.

The barber looks at him and says "Thank you very much for protecting and defending our town! As this is your first time here, it would be my pleasure to give you a free haircut."

The barber gives the policeman a haircut, and that night, the barber ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A dog and the policeman

Jabu goes into a bar to have himself a cold one.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked," Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?"
Jabu said it was his.
"Your dog seems to be in heat" the officer said.
Jabu replied, "No way... She's cool 'cause she's tied up u...

A policeman on a motorcycle pulls over a car.

‘What’s up?’ says the driver.

‘Your wife fell out the passenger door three miles back,’ says the policeman.

‘Thank goodness for that,’ says the driver. ‘I thought I’d gone deaf.’

Policeman stops priest on the bike...

Policeman: Hello father. Your light isn't working. That will be 20$.
Priest: Don't worry mister, i'm not in danger. Jesus is always with me.
Policeman: Sorry father. Then the fine is 40$ because two persons are not allowed to ride a bike.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mounted policeman stops his horse next to a little girl and her tricycle.

He leans over the side of the horse, and says "That's a nice trike, did Santa give it to you for Christmas?". The little girl proudly says yes. "Well, it looks like he forgot to give you a helmet too," the policeman says, "I'm going to have to write you a ticket."
At this point, the little girl ...

What did the policeman say to the guy about to jump from a tall building?

You've got a lot of potential!

A policeman pulls over a speeding motorist...

and asks him "Why were you speeding?"

The man replies, "I was going to the Policeman ball."

The police officer replies, "But policemen don't have balls."

The man smiles and drives away.

A policeman pulls over a driver...

for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
“I can't do that, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.”

“Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A policeman stops a car...

Cop: Do you know how badly you were switching lanes?

Guy: I'm sorry, i'm drunk as fuck.

Cop: That's not a valid reason to let your girlfriend drive the car

What's a policeman's favorite gaming console?

wii-u

wii-u

wii-u

wii-u


heh

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big tits.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between a policeman's baton and a magician's wand?

One is used for cunning stunts and the other is used for stunning cunts.

A drunk man is pulled over by a policeman at 2am

The policeman asks, "hey there, may I ask where you're headed?"

"I'm off to a conference about the effects of alcohol. How it affects relationships, the economy, how it has an effect on my children."

"And who, may I ask is leading this conference at this hour?" Asks the policeman.
<...

What do you call a sleeping policeman?

An undercover cop.

I poured a bag of yellow vegetables over a dead policeman.

Corn on the cop.

A blonde in her Corvette convertible passes a policeman at high speed.

He immediately flips on his lights and gives chase. She careens at a corner and knocks over a mailbox, then jumps the sidewalk sending pedestrians scrambling for safety. She gets back onto the road and approaches a red light with traffic stopped, but swerves into the opposite lane crossing the doubl...

What does Pokemon Go and a policeman have in common?

You gotta catch Jamal

What Not to Say to a Policeman

-- I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

-- Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize I was driving.

-- Wow, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me!

-- I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

-- You're not gonna check the ...

A policeman on patrol calls his fellow cop on the station...

COP 1: Hey, I got a weird case over here


COP 2: What is it buddy?


COP 1: Im here at the front porch of an elderly couple's house


COP 2: So?


COP 1: Someone called me to go to this house because they heard shouting and stuff. And you wouldn't believe what ha...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I just read that a veteran policeman has been suspended from his job...

after being caught masturbating and smoking weed in his office.
No name was given but he was a high wanking officer.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A policeman pulls over a woman for failing to stop at a stop sign.

The woman protests "but I slowed down".

The officer says "it's a stop sign. You are supposed to come to a complete stop".

The woman replies, "but I slowed down, that's the same thing".

The officer then says, "no it's not! You rolled right through the intersection! You didn't ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A policeman stopped me and said I was exceeding 60.

Fucking idiot, I'm 23.

A policeman pulls over a driver and starts writing out a ticket

The driver says to the policeman 'I didn't realise the local policeman department were selling tickets to their annual ball'

The policeman responds 'What are you talking about, we don't have any balls'

The driver replies 'yeah didn't think so'

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does a black policeman says when he looks in the mirror?

Oh shit a cop!

Blonde interviews to be a policeman

A blonde goes to an interview to be a police officer. The interview goes well until the interviewer asks some general knowledge questions. She does ok on the first few, until she is asked, " who shot Abraham Lincoln?"

She tells the interviewer she doesn't know, and he tells her to go home...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He ...

Why was the policeman sent to talk to a bunch of crows?

Because someone said there was a "murder".