UPJOKE
gangstermobyakuzacrewbunchcrowdringmafiachicagoold englishgroupgraffitipackcrewmanassociation

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gang of cutlery users have turned every silent K in the world into an audible K.

Those kniving bastards.

There's a gang going through town, systematically shoplifting clothes in order of size.

Police say they are still at large.

Just saw that our local Police Department got 2 huge new trucks with "Criminal Gang Unit" labeled on the sides.

Finally, some self awareness.

What’s the difference between a gang bang and a joke?

Will Smith won’t let his wife be in a joke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A motorcycle gang made up of ancient bisexual norse monarchs:

The Bikings.

Metlife dropped the Peanuts gang because Peppermint Patty was going behind their back to negotiate with Charles Schwab.

Can't blame her though...she really likes to Talk To Chuck.

Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.

**Every** Scooby-Doo **episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.**

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?', St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and ...

I was kidnapped by a gang of mimes.

They did unspeakable things to me.

A man was arrested for killing gang members, then cutting off their feet and taking them

When apprehended, the man said he had heard it was profitable to sell Crip toes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An 80 year old grandma wants to join an outlaw biker gang

The gang leader says "Well, do you have a bike?"

"Sure! I just bought a new Harley!"

"Are you ok with drugs?"

"I should hope so, I take 20 pills a day!"

"Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

"No, but I got swung around by the tits once!"

gang recruitment

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "There's a gang in my area that recruits new members by threatening them with all sorts of horrible punishments if they don't join," he tells the bartender. "But, enough about the church....."

I was out on the west coast, trying to sell some guns to a street gang.

The gang member handed me a bag of severed toes with tiny $'s and tiny blue bandanas tied to them. I said "What's this?! No cash?!" He said it was the latest trend "Crip Toe Currency".

After a few months I wanted to buy a stolen sports car, but had no cash. My friend worked at a morgue so he ...

We should get a gang of us and go to the shooting range.

And have a gang bang.

What do you call a gang of ghosts?

A hauntourage ~

happy spooky season haha

I just joined a gang called square root 2

Because I'm irrational

I saw someone throwing up gang signs...

They were bulimic.

The other day I was attacked by a gang of clowns

So I went straight for the juggler.

Street gangs of southern LA have started decapitating each other and using the body parts to trade for goods...

The most valuable of which is the Crip toe currency.

What do you call a disabled gang member?

A crip

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sweet, little old lady walks into a bar frequented by the baddest biker gang around.

She walks up to the leader, a real mountain of a man, and say she wants to join. He can barely contain his laughter, and decides to have some fun with her before he tells her off.

"Do you even own a bike?" he asks.

"I do. It's parked right outside."

"Do you swear?"

"More ...

I got mugged yesterday by a gang of six dwarves.

Not Happy.

A snail shop owner was attacked by a turtle gang. The police asked if he could describe the perpetrators, he said

I don't know, it happened so fast.

2 Mexican gang members...

Carlos and Pepe; are lost in the desert after a drug deal gone wrong...

After days wandering aimlessly, Pepe finds a tree covered in pork. Bacon of all kinds and thicknesses, gammon, sausages and pulled pork hanging in place of leaves.

Not wanting to waste energy on what could potentia...

I'm working on a book about vampire gangs.

I'm titling it the Bloods and the Crypts.

have you heard about the emu who was kicked out of the emu gang?

he was ostrich-sized.

I tried to win an autographed picture of the Mystery Gang on eBay.

And I would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for those meddling bids.

Why did Ponyboy Curtis and his gang refuse to visit the 2014 Winter Olympics?

Because they were in “Soc”-hi.

What do NASCAR and gang bangs have in common?

If you’re not first, you’re last.

Low iron deficiency gang STAND UP!

But not too fast.

What are a gang member's favorite alternative medicine?

Homie-opathy

Did you hear about the boat full of gang members?

It was a blood vessel.

What does Superman and a Blood gang member who lost his gun have in common?

Neither one of them want to see a Kryptonite...

What is it called when a gang member kills his best friend?

Homiecide

Yesterday I saw some kid getting ganged up behind the school by 4 other kids.

As a senior, I have experienced bullying myself so I immediately jump in.

That kid got no chance against 5 of us.

Where does an Italian gang live?

In the "Spaghetto"

I used to be a gang member with the Bloods, but then I had a baby and realized I had to make some real changes in my life...

So now I'm with the Crips, and me and my little guy can finally watch Blue's Clues together.

Man, after joining a Biker Gang: Do we or don’t we ride our bikes at the same speed?

Biker: Yes, we do. But stop calling it “synchronizing our cycles.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An East End gang boss had always been very careful with whom he employed, for fear of being grassed up...

He thought he'd been really clever in hiring a crooked accountant who was deaf and dumb. There wasn't
much of a risk that he would overhear too much. However, it quickly dawned on the boss that
someone was stealing money from him. A lot of money. And it didn't take long for him to discover it<...

A man gets to heaven

He’s a small nerdy account type, and he’s met at the pearly gates by St Peter.

“Welcome,” says St Peter, opening a large book. “This book lists all the good things and bad things you did in your life. If you did more good than bad, you get to come in.”

“Sounds fair,” says the ma...

Gangsters are the kindest people.

They gather in a group and ask what your problem is

What do you call a gang of racist chickens?

The cluck cluck clan.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mate and I were walking along when we noticed a gang of bat carrying youths in our way. He said "Quick! Pretend we're the police."

I sang 'Every breath you take' But we still got the shit kicked out of us.

A sloth is going about his day when he gets attacked by a gang of snails

A sloth is going about his day when he gets attacked by a gang of snails.

The snails take his wallet and leave. The sloth regains his composure and goes straight to the police station.

The police officer says, "can you describe the gang for us?"

The sloth says, "I don't know. ...

What do you get if you cross a mob boss, a gang leader, and a drug dealer?

Killed

A Latino gang member has received poor customer service at the railway station, so he vandalised one of the train engines in revenge.

It was a loco motive.

Just a week after joining the Bloods, a rival gang member tied me to his bumper and dragged me around town.

It was a Crip-pulling experience.

My grandad said there’s gangs at his retirement village

The blood clots and the cripples

Stephen Sondheim, John Madden, and Betty White walk up to the Pearly Gates

And St. Peter says, "We're pretty full, so we're making people pass additional tests. I know this is going to sound weird, but God has been hanging out with Chuck Yeager this week, and he's only letting in people who have a connection to Jets." All three sets of eyes light up.

Sondheim step...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog.

My dudes— that IS a demon!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

The Peanuts gang goes to a WWE show, each one randomly picking a WWE legend from a hat to dress up as for the show. Linus: "I got John Cena!" Peppermint Patty: "I got Becky Lynch! Who'd you get, Chuck?"

Charlie Brown: "I got The Rock."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady is trying to join a biker gang...

Biker guy: "You ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

Her: "No, but I been swung around by the tits."

How did little Timmy know what gang to join?

He went for a Blood test

A gang decided to rob a bank...

...they opened every vault and found only cups of yogurt. So they ate it all…

Next day, in CNN news:

"BIGGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the gang of furries who savagely beat a homeless person?

Fucking animals.

Might have to join a gang to survive this

I didn't realize staying at home in self isolation with my kids was going to be this tough.

What do you call a necrophelic gang-bang?

Cracking open a cold one with the boys.

Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang?

Atmospheric Pressure.

You know how some gangs beat up new members to initiate them?

I might be in like 12 gangs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do they say, when you're accepted into the PISS gang?

Urine

Why do Mexican gang members usual flunk school?

Cause they don't turn in their essays.

I heard the gangs fighting again yelling, “THE RAVIOLI IS OURS.” And, “NO ITS NOT.” I questioned why they always fought

Then I remembered it’s because I’m in the spaghetto

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got jumped by a gang the other day. The saying, "There's strength in numbers" is true.

I beat the ever-living shit out of them with a 2x4 !

I wish I was in a gang...

So I would know what to do with my hands in pictures!

A gang of bikers are riding down the road.

A gang of bikers are riding down the road when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge. They decide to pull over to see what is going on.

The biker boss gets off his bike and asks the girl what she is doing.

"I'm going to commit suicide by jumping off this bridge." She Replies.
<...

Why doesn't Superman like to go into gang territories after sun down?

His weakness is a Crip at night.

There was a man entering heaven's gate.

This is an old joke so I expect people already knew about it.

There was a man entering heaven's gate and St. Peter asked him. "What makes you think you deserve to enter heaven?"

The man replied when I was alive I once saw a biker gang harassing an old lady and when they are supposed t...

What did Pablo Escobar say to Scooby-Doo and the gang when they finally caught him?

I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you Medellín kids.

Did you hear about the deaf man who escaped a murderous gang of mute mime artists?

Yeah, he saw them coming.

"Y'know with all the civil unrest, political corruption, class divides, drug smuggling, gang wars, police brutality, gun violence, and poor education maybe building a wall to protect us from our southern neighbors isn't such a bad idea"

\- Canada

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a male chicken in a gang?

A hard cock.

A Hippo wants to join the local hippo gang

While speaking with the gang leader he's told in order to join the gang he must have respect for his brothers and impeccable manners.
He nods his head and let's the leader know he was raised in a noble, high class family. These things came easy to him.

The hippo struts out of the leaders r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman decided to join a biker gang to see what it was like...

After talking with the club president, a burly tough-looking guy, she was told that she was going to be asked some questions that would be used to decide if she qualified. She had never done anything illegal and had no idea what they expected, so she decided to put on her best bad girl act to impres...

Wheelchair gang rise up.

Oh wait...

When John Lennon was a boy,

his best friend was a chubby lad named Winston - but because of Winston’s penchant for stuffing his face with Stilton, Red Leicester, Cheddar or Brie, naturally he was nicknamed “Cheese”.
One hot summer day, a gang of friends decided to head off to the local quarry to cool off in the water. The...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An armed gang intercepted and drove away a truckload of viagra pills.

Police are on the hunt for hardened criminals..

3 men in a warehouse

3 men are hiding from a gang in sacks in an empty warehouse. A gang member kicks the first sack. The man barks like a dog. The gang member moves on thinking he kicked a dog. The second man gets kicked and meows. The gang member moves on thinking it was a cat. When he gets to the last sack, the man s...

What's the tastiest drug gang?

MSG-13

What’s the difference between the police and a gang?

Only one can kill you legally

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four idiots were in the finals stages of becoming full members of the local skin-head biker gang. Their last assignment was to terrorize some Jews at a bar mitzvah later that afternoon.

They failed their final assignment because the rabbi saw them when they first arrived. He had the four skins immediately removed before they caused any trouble.

How much did it cost the Australian cowboy to purchase his gang of marsupials?

A buck a 'roo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gang of stray dogs is hanging out together in the local dog park...

A rottweiler, a great dane, a labrador and of course a tiny chihuahua just glad to be accepted by such high company. They're discussing the sorts of things male dogs discuss when a babelicious poodle struts herself on up. A real high breed, classy bitch.
"Hello boys," She greets, "I tell you w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the gang that smuggles viagra in their stomachs?

The cops are on the look out for a group of hardened criminals.

A bully and his gang walk into a Subway store

He then sees the sandwich artist (that's what they are called) is a skinny, young, inexperienced kid- a perfect target to bully while ordering some subs. He walks up to the kid and starts his order of his 6-inch sub

The kid then proceeds to cut a footlong sub bread in half for a 6-inch sub wh...

What did the gang of dolphins say to the orca?

"Whale, whale, whale... Look what the tide brought in..."

One day St. Peter saw a street gang walking up to the Pearly Gates

St. Peter ran to God and said, "God, there are some low-life, thieving street gang members at the Gates. What do I do?"  

God relied, "Just do what you normally do with that type; redirect them."

St. Peter went back to carry out the order, and all of a sudden he went running back yelli...

A biker gang comes into a transport cafe

and start picking on a little middle-aged man just sitting down to an all-day breakfast. They steal most of it, spit in his tea, and pull away his chair from under him, until eventually he gives up and walks out silently.

They laugh loudly and say to the waitress "He wasn't much of a man, was...

A gang made up of domesticated wheat, barley and hops plants are reported to have been looting and rioting all over the country

Police say they are farmed and dangerous.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Retired nurse wants to join biker gang

This retired nurse wanted to join a biker gang. It was in the 70’s and times were different. They had to interview her first, to see if she was tough enough. They said that they had to ask her 3 questions. The biker asked her if she drank. She replied “Hell yes I drink! I was at the bar last night...

There was once a thug who was in the scariest gang...

His original name was Con Dria, but soon he went by a different name in his gang. They called him Mighto, and he was the thug that did most of the crimes. From dealing drugs to robbing to Kidnapping. He did whatever was necessary to help out his gang.

However, after he accidentally ran over ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do gang bangers have so many babymamas?

Cause all they do is pull up, they don't pull out

What was the Scooby-Gang considered after the Olympics?

Gold-Medllists

Babytalk

A gang member was holding his 8-month-old baby while his wife was in the kitchen fixing lunch. The baby murmured "mother." The guy gets all excited and hollered to his wife, "Hey, the baby just said half a word!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How much times a week?

Some friends are bragging on how much sex they have. The first dude says: i get laid twice a week.
Al the others start counting, the second dude yells, i get some 4 times a week! Most of the mates are impressed.
One dude utters: i have sex almost every day of the week.
The gang looks in awe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A friend of mine was sexually assaulted by a gang of mime artists last night...

They did unspeakable things to him.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.