Why was the color green notoriously single?

It was always so jaded.

A bunch of cations walk into a bar that is notorious for only serving anions.

This precipitated many a salts and batteries.

Little Johnny was a notoriously bad speller

He would always misspell words and just write them the way they sounded to a young child's ear. This was particularly embarrassing to his father, whose boss would always brag how clever his own son, Pete was.


One evening, the boss visited Little Johnny's house for dinner, bringing litt...

I heard that before he died, The Notorious B.I.G. wanted to become a woman.

His new rap name was going to be Trans Fat

My friend told me he used to have a good Notorious B.I.G. joke.

I said, "If you can't remember it, no biggie."

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A man buys a motorbike and is riding it home when it occurs to him that he's somewhat lacking control, as the wind is getting into his coat and buffeting him quite badly.

He pulls over, deciding to put his coat on back-to-front so the openings between the buttons are at the back.

Much improved he confidently accelerates away, but within five minutes of riding like this he reaches a sharp bend in the road, where he discovers his arms are rather too restricted ...

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call him maestro... or else

many years ago there was an orchestra in omaha whose conductor was notoriously ill tempered. he would fly off the handle at the smallest mistake, yet he would never offer any constructive criticism. he thought he was the greatest, and demanded to be called maestro. but sometimes, he'd give the wrong...

A man goes into an antiques dealership carrying a violin and a painting. "Hi. I found these in the loft of the house I've just bought. I'm interested in having them valued with a view to selling them." The owner, duly fascinated takes them into the back to give them the once over.

"Very interesting." he tells the man on his return. "You realise, you've got a genuine Rembrandt and a bona fide Stradivarius here."

"That's wonderful- I'm rich!" exclaims the man.

"Not so fast, son." replies the dealer- "Rembrandt violins are notorious poor quality and Stradivarius co...

There is a beekeeper who is notorious for how he is very selective.

He will only keep bees that people would normally see as ugly, scary, etc. Nobody knows why he does this, maybe he has an obsession of sorts, but nobody knew until somebody decided to ask him why.

The beekeeper is not phased by the question, but he is confused why someone would refer to the ...

A notorious liar walks into a bar and shouts "Hi folks ! It's me !"

But it wasn't him.

What does one say after shooting notorious big?

No biggie.

I once knew a Muslim kid that was notoriously late for everything.

I called him 9/12

A very wealthy lawyer in a small town is notorious for never giving money to any charity that comes his way.

The local animal shelter knows he has a dog and they think that this could be their way into his wallet. They go to his door and he answers, "What do you want?"


One of the ladies replies, "Hello Mr. Smith. We know you are very wealthy and we know you also never give to charity. Wouldn't y...

[Long] Tom arrives home to find his notoriously perverted roommate Matt holding a packet of ice to his cheek.

Curious Tom pulls Matts hand away to find that the right side of his face is completely red and swollen.


"Goodness, what happened this time?" He asks.


"I met a hot girl at the bar with a perfect pair of 34 Es. She caught me sneaking a peak a few times." Matt replied.

...

The Notorious B.I.G. once hosted a house party featuring a giant fortune teller

It was a large medium at Small's.

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[OC] A notoriously bad stage actor died recently.

The vehicle carrying his casket broke down on the way to the funeral, allowing his critics, for one last time, to state that he needed to rehearse.

Tom, a notorious womanizer...

...dies and goes to hell.

The devil is walking him down the brimstone corridors, showing him around the place. "You know, Tom," he says, "just because you're in hell doesn't mean you have to stay here. You can go to heaven if you'd like... and sit on a cloud all day, playing the harp... i...

Werewolves are notoriously hard to find...

Otherwise they'd be known as Therewolves.

The police finally catch a notorious criminal,

so the chief himself decides to interrogate him.

Chief: "Let me see here, you have quite the backstory. Theft, forgery, burglary, forgery, blackmail, theft, forgery, forgery, forgery, the list goes on and on. What do you have to say for yourself?"

Criminal: "Well, it took me a while to...

There was a stand-up comedian notorious for his practical jokes.

So one day, during a performance, he asked that anyone from the audience come on to the stage. A blond girl walked up. He asked her, "Can you tell us a joke?". The blond girl was well aware that the comedian was trying to pull some prank. She had decided that, no matter what, she would not fall for ...

2 Irish men get the idea to sell crocodile shoes

2 Irish men get the idea to sell crocodile shoes after seeing an expensive pair in a Dublin City shop.

They fly to Africa, set up beside a notorious crocodile infested lake and go to work.

After a long day the 2 men have left a long line of dead crocodiles all along the lake shore.
...

A man was arrested for stealing cat hairs to make whoopee cushions.

This was a criminal offense in Florida. He was brought before a judge who was a notorious cat lover. The jury consisted of only elderly spinsters. The man's lawyer requested for a different judge and jury, but his request was rejected. The court found the man "extremely guilty and a possible dog lov...

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Friday evening a notorious murderer

has just escaped from Texas State Prison.
Police advise members of the public that they should not approach him at any costs, but report any sightings to their nearest police station.

Saturday afternoon, the convict surrender himself to police.

When asked why he gave himself up...

What is the name of an annoying creature that is notorious for biting humans in the tropics?

Luiz Suarez.

The mean man's party

The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."

"Why use my elbow and foot?"

"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're no...

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A German, a Frenchman, and a Irishman walk into a pub.

The pub was known for being a wee bit of a dive. Dirty, poor service, but the three men were poor and the drinks were always cheap. They welcomed themselves into the pub and sat at the bar.

Notoriously, the service was poor. The barkeep chatted with other bar patrons for a good long while bef...

Mischievous medical student

A notorious student in medical college was up to his usual tricks. This time, he went to his professor, but his professor was ready for him.

Student: 'How long can a man survive without a brain, sir? '

Professor: 'I don't know really. How old are you? '

So Iron Man and Bruce Banner walk into a bar.

They both grab a stool at the bar and start slamming shots. Tony, a notorious alcoholic, maintains his composure.

He turns over to Bruce as he hits more back. He sees Bruce getting tipsy and a bit green.

Tony: "You okay there?"

Hulk: "Hulk smashed!"

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There was a famous WWII ace in the pacific

He was notorious for his drinking problem. After going out on a mission one day he landed his plane on the aircraft carrier and reported to the commanding officer on his mission.

He said, “Sir, I met five enemy pilots in the air. I shot down the first one, dove right, shot down the second one...

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A local man wins the lottery.

After he’s cashed in his winnings he’s overwhelmed with joy, gratitude, and serenity. He wants to give back to his community and he thinks that everyone should get in on the feels. He decides to throw a grand party at his new mansion where anyone in town can come to eat and drink for free as long as...

Possibly, a joke for the future.

\- All aliens are notoriously bad drivers.

\- Hey, that's space-ist.

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The Lovely Tale of Opposite-Sex College Roommates

A guy and a girl are college roommates. No feelings at all. One day, the girl goes to a frat party and brings home the notoriously bi frat dude. She f*cks him, and then the next morning, tells him she has feelings for her roommate and so the two of them won't work out. The frat dude, just happy he g...

Who is Roald Dahl's favourite rapper?

The Notorious B.F.G

Note: This is my second attempt at spreading this joke

My go-to joke...

500 bricks on a plane and one falls out, how many are left ?

499.



How do you put an elephant in the fridge ?

Open the door, put in the elephant, clse the door.



How do you put a giraffe in the fridge ?

Open the door, take out the elephant, put in the...

A priest and a nun are sitting at a dinner table, eating spaghetti

With every bite, the nun, a notoriously sloppy eater, spills sauce on her clothing.




The priest says to the nun, "You've got some stains on your tunic," to which the nun replies, "It's a dirty habit."

Did you ever hear the tragedy of Mahatma Gandhi The Wise?

I thought not. It's not a story the British would tell you.

It's a Hindi legend. Gandhi was an Indian activist, so powerful and wise he could walk miles and miles without shoes, developing blisters on his feet. He had such a knowledge of resilience, he could even live through hunger strikes w...

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There once was a police dog...

The K-9 unit had decided to get some new dogs to sniff out drugs and the like. One of them happened to have an exceptional talent for this, and while training this dog, several notorious local drug dealers had already been caught. Eventually, the dog was assigned to a cop, and the cop named the dog ...

At Heathrow Airport today...

An individual claiming to be a school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.

Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra crime syndicate and charged him with carrying weapons of math destructio...

One of Roald Dahl's characters gained weight and started writing rap music.

Notorious BFG.

Breaking News: Al-Gebra Operative Arrested

A man was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport , New York, as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Jeff Sessions said he believes the man is a member o...

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An aspiring rapper finds a genie in a bottle...

"What are your three wishes?" the genie asks?

"First, I want to bring back Tupac and Biggie," he says. POOF! Tupac Shakir and Notorious B.I.G. appear beside him.

"Next I want to us all to live in Snoop's crib." POOF! The three are kicking it inside Snoop Dogg's huge mansion.
...

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James Earl Jones joins the U.S. Naval Academy.

Once there, he takes a Calculus II class notorious for its difficulty. Unlike his classmates, he isn't worried, but that all changes when he gets his first exam grade back.

"37%?! How did I do that badly?!" he asks his teacher, Admiral Smith.

"I suggest you study harder, cadet." he re...

I love February because it contains two of my favorite annual events

Groundhog Day, and the State of the Union Address.

One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a notoriously unreliable mammal for prognostication with no basis in reality. The other involves a groundhog.

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Awful Neighbors

"There is a huge house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of irritable dogs allowed to run without leashes.
Her car isn't taxed or insured and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.
To the best of my knowledge, she has neve...

Why the chicken cross the road?

It all started when his family was experiencing financial troubles, and needed money. He tried applying for many jobs, but they just didn't quite work out.


After ending up in the drug business to support his family, a deal went bad and he was shot, landing him in the hospital. The night ...

A sheriff had a deputy named Wait

The sheriff and his deputy, Wait, were trying to track down a couple of bad guy brothers with the last name Joke.

They got a lead that the Joke brothers were working with a guy named This One. They had reason to believe that This One was hanging out with a notorious perp named Me. So, they pu...

Did you hear about the guy who got frostbite?

He was notorious.

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Roy Rogers and the mountain lion

Back in the 1950s, cowboy star Roy Rogers bought a brand new pair of expensive cowboy boots. Cowboy boots are notoriously stiff when they're new so Roy spent all morning oiling and working the leather to try to soften them up a bit. He then took them out onto the back porch to dry in the sunlight wh...

Not To Brag Or Anything...

I live near where Notorious B.I.G. was born and raised. Just a short walk over and I'm in front of his house. Took a picture. No biggie.

A particle physicist met a quark collector...

... and discovered the latter, named Richard, had managed to get his hands on two of the most elusive quarks - the notorious up-quark and the sought-after down-quark.

Now the physicist was a bit of a connoisseur himself, and had managed to get his hands on all the four other quarks and their ...

The miser's will

A notorious miser died, and in his will he left his $3 million estate split evenly among his three sons: a doctor, a priest, and a lawyer. Being selfish even in death, he left each of them strict instructions to put the money in his coffin when they buried him.

After the funeral, the three we...

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Voodoo Dick

[NSFW]

A husband whose wife is notorious for cheating on him while he is away on business is at his wits end with the whole thing.

He loves his wife dearly, and explained to her that this cannot continue. He has a long trip coming up soon and knows that she is going to cheat on him if ...

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The Election was tied....

The US Presidential election of 2016 had been over for weeks. Every single ballot had been counted and tabulated, the Electoral College had cast their votes, and after every avenue had been exhausted, it was unequivocally a dead heat. Both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton turned to the Supreme Court...

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One day in Kindergarten Class...

One day in Kindergarten Class, Ms. Johnson decided to teach the children about fruit. She put different fruits into a paper bag and started describing to the kids what fruit she had; the children were then supposed to guess what kind of fruit she had.

To start she reached in and said, "Okay, ...

Headline

A man wanted to kill his wife, so he got a hold of a notorious assassin named Arty. The man tells the assassin that his brunette wife shops at the market every Thursday afternoon wearing the same leopard print coat. Since Arty really just enjoyed assassinated people for the fun of it, he only charge...

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European

Its geography day in Mr. Andrew's first grade class. Each student has to stand up and answer questions in front of their peers. Mr. Andrews, who has a very thick southern accent, addresses the first student.

"Beth, would you a-stand up and answer this a-question: what's the a-capital of a-Ru...

Fix the joke - A physicist and his coffee

A physics professor was a horrible caffeine addict - he never went anywhere without a full coffee cup. He was notorious amongst his students for having an obvious tell on what would be on his exams. Any time during lecture he got excited, he would inevitably spill his coffee on the floor. As a resul...

Jesus, Moses, and this guy are out golfing...

and the hole is a notorious Par 3 with a huge lake before the green. Moses takes a shot and hits it right into the lake. With his second shot he parts the lake, knocks it on the green, and right after he putts it in for par.

Jesus goes next and he too can't clear the water hazard and the ba...

The Jewish Kid at the Catholic School

A Jewish family just moved into a new town because of the fathers work and are looking for a good school for their son to attend. Since the public schools are notoriously terrible, they look to the private schools. After asking around, they learn that St. John's Academy is by far their best option. ...

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