UPJOKE
captainmilitarycommandertrooperpolicepolicemanlieutenantsergeantmilitary officerinspectorinvestigatorconstablecommandantdetectivecolonel

Officer Jokes

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, a...

When I visited Australia, the immigration officer asked me if I had a criminal record…

Confused, I replied, “Oh, is that still required?”

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver replies, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting, the driver's wife says, "Now don't be silly, dear. You know that this car doesn't have cruise...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Woman talking to a police officer.

Woman: Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?

Police Officer: "Yes"

Woman: Can you arrest me for thinking something.?

Police Officer: "No"

Woman: I think you're a cunt.

What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?

When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lawyer gets pulled over by a police officer.

The officer asks the lawyer "Do you know why I pulled you over?"


"I haven't the foggiest idea," said the lawyer.


The officer replied, "You didn't make a full stop at the stop sign back there. You only slowed down."


The lawyer thinks for a few seconds then says, "If y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Army officer, a Naval officer, and a Ranger are captured...

By a strange tribe, deep in the jungle. The people of the tribe confer briefly, and then the chief walks up to the Army officer. "We've decided to kill you," he began, "and make a canoe out of your skin. However, in deference to your rank, we have decided to allow you to choose the manner in whic...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday...

"I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing of drugs."

I said, "Okay, but don't go into that field over there....."

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police officer stopped me and searched my pockets. Found a bag of weed. "What have we here?" "It's not mine officer." He scoffs.

"I'm serious! I was cursed by a leprechaun, you know what scallywags they are. Now, every single time I flush this chronic down the toilet it magically reappears in my pocket."
"Bullshit."
"Try me!"
He frowns, but follows me as we head to the bathroom in this cafe. I take out the cannabis a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is it okay to have unprotected sex with an Uvalde police officer?

Because they never come inside.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange

:Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of...

[At a parole hearing] Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early?

Inmate: It’s bec..

Officer: Yes?

Inmate: I think I have..

Officer: Go on.

Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

Police officer pulls over 2 Catholic priests. Says he’s looking for two child molesters.

Catholic priests looking at each other: We’ll do it!

The police just pulled me over, and the officer came up to my window and said “papers?”

I said “scissors, I win!” and drove off. He’s been chasing me for 45 minutes now, I think he wants a rematch.

"We're looking for a drug dealer," said the police officer, "and you fit the description we've been given."

I said, "That was easy then. What can I get you fellas?"

A friend of mine who was an officer invited me for a ride along.

As we were driving along he told me: "I've been a cop for almost 20 years now. I can follow anyone, and I mean anyone for just 1 mile down the road and I can find something I can cite them for."

I said prove it, so he started following the next guy he saw. After a mile he said "I can't believ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't ever underestimate a Scottish police officer?

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Scottish cop.

 

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON, and is certain that he has a better education than any Scottish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Sco...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you ...

I want Donald Trump to be my parole officer...

...he never lets anybody finish a sentence.

A police officer spots a car parked in a popular make-out spot late one night, and decides to investigate.

He sees a young man behind the wheel reading a newspaper and a young woman in the passenger seat knitting. This is a puzzling sight, so he decides to find out more about these individuals.

"How old are you?" he asks the guy.

"Twenty-one, officer," he replies

"What about you?" ...

Heisenberg and Schroedinger are driving together, but they get stopped by a police officer.

The officer asks, "Did you know you were driving at 75 mph?"

Heisenberg sighs, "Oh great, now we're lost."

The cop is unhappy, and checks the car's trunk. He asks, "And why is there a dead cat in here?"

Schroedinger grumbles, "Well there is NOW!"

A man answers his door to find a somber-looking police officer standing on his porch. “I’m sorry to have to tell you this, sir,” the officer says, “but it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus.”

The man replies, “Yeah, but she’s got a great personality.”

Two Police officers.

Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says:

“Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site.”

A police officer is sitting in his cruiser watching for speeding cars.

He sees a car puttering along at 10 km/hr and thinks "this car is almost as dangerous as a speeder" and pulls them over.

As he walks up to the car and little of lady driving rolls down the window and asks "is there something wrong officer?"

"Well, yes" says the cop "why are you driving...

A police officer responding to a gunshot call called his police chief.

"We got an old lady who shot her husband for walking on the floor after she just mopped it," he reported.

"Have you arrested her?" the chief asked.

"Nope. The floor's still wet," he replied.

A blonde was speeding when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car

The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.

The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"

Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got ...

Late one night a police officer was patrolling a desolate area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark.

Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting.

The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The star...

How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They'll just beat the room for being black.

Security officer: If you find a USB outside, don't bring it into the office

Me (taking notes): Note to self: Only bring international bees into the office

When I was a child a police officer came to our school and gave a speech on drugs.

I couldn't understand a damn thing he said.

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? ... Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.... Older Woman: Oh, I see. ... Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: You don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Army officer was arrested completely nude, chasing a woman through a hotel lobby.

His lawyer was shrewd and got him freed on a technicality. Army regulations specifically state an officer need not be in uniform, provided he is properly attired for the activity in which he is engaged.

Why are diversity officers in progressive companies always women?

Because it is cheaper.

Sorry officer, can't do that!

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says,

\- "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says,

\- "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a r...

A circus performer is driving home after a long day of training, when he is pulled over by a police officer for a broken light.

The officer looks in the car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.

“Sir,” he says, “Why do you have all those knives?”

“They're for my juggling act,” the circus performer replies.

“I don’t believe you,” says the cop. “Prove it.” So the performer gets out of his car an...

Officer: The victims were sacrificed to on a shrine made of antlers.

Detective: Dear god !
Officer: Most likely yes.

An officer pulls up at the scene of an accident

where a car has driven through a field, killed several livestock and crashed into a barn. He decides to interview Steve who is struggling to keep his balance and is being propped up by Karen.







"Been out for a few have we mate?" asks the officer.





...

Who is the only higher ranked officer in the Chicken Army above Colonel Sanders?

General Tso.

My grandfather told me this one not long before he died

A man is in his boat out on the lake with a bucket full of fish that he had just caught. A wildlife officer spots him and pulls his boat up alongside. Seeing the bucket of fish in the man's boat, the wildlife officer asks to see his fishing license.

The man tells the officer that he doesn't n...

I'm leaving you for an NSA officer

"I'm leaving you for an NSA officer," she said.

"But why? What does he have that I don't?"

"He listens to me."

I was pulled over last night and the officer asked me if I had a police record.

I told him “no but I have a couple albums by Sting.

A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party.

He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover

An army officer is having a heartfelt conversation with his wife in the kitchen before heading off for another long deployment

"Sweetheart, I'm about to be away for another year."

"Oh, I'll miss you terribly!"

"I'll miss you too," he says with a mischievous glance at her chest, "And these lovely ladies of yours."

Blushing, she suggests, "Why not give them a little attention now to make up for the coming...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: "You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!" officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!"

"Bullshit! He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head...

Officer, if you are what you eat...

Then I'm an innocent man.

Why did the police officer arrest the skeleton?

They could see the joint in his hand.

"This is the hardest part of our job," said the police officer after Adam was pronounced dead in the accident.

"Yeah, but break the news slowly. His wife is a very sensitive person."

The police officer knocks on the door and Adam's wife opens it.

"Are you Adam's widow?" said the police.

“Officer, how did the hackers manage to get away?”

“I have no idea. They just ransomware.”

Police officer: sir, you can’t fish here

Man: I’m not fishing, I’m teaching my pet worms how to swim.

Everyone in my family was a police officer, except for my grandad, who was a bank robber

He died last week

surrounded by his family

A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade

, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated.

Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army. Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General.

He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the G...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police officer pulls over an elderly female for speeding while driving her husband to a doctors appointment.

The officer approaches the vehicle and attempts to explain that he stopped her for speeding.
She looks at her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The husband replies, "He said he stopped you for speeding."
The officer asked the elderly female for her driver's license and she turned and ask...

A man is sitting at home and a police officer knocks on his door.

The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, "Yes I am."

He then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. "Sure hold on a second."

The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train."

T...

A man was driving down the road when an officer stopped him.

The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”
The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”
“You need to take them to the zoo,” the officer said.
The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled ...

A naked police officer came to work

A naked police officer came to work and his commander, shocked, asked him: "why did you come naked?"
The police officer said: "There was a party last night I attended. At 00:00 all lights went off and we were in the dark. All of a sudden a voice said that all females should undress. You could h...

What's a police officer's favorite gaming console?

Wii U Wii U Wii U

Two priests are out driving one day, when they get pulled over by a police officer.

The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver "Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters"
The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says;
"Alright of...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An older man was driving his new Mercedes at 100 mph

An older man was driving his new Mercedes at 100 mph when he noticed a police car chasing him in the rearview mirror. He accelerated to 125 and then 155 mph. Suddenly, he thought to himself, "I've outgrown this bullshit." He slowed down, pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the police...

The loan officer

Once there was a loan officer named Patty Mack who worked at a large bank. One day, a frog hopped into the bank and asked to borrow some money. Ms. Mack thought she could get rid of him by asking for collateral.


The frog left, then a few hours later, hopped back in with a plastic figu...

An officer needed some change so he asked a near by soldier.

Officer: “Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?”

Soldier: “Sure, buddy.”

Officer: “That’s no way to address an officer! Now, let’s try it again!”

Officer: “Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?”

Soldier: “No, SIR!”

A police officer

spotted an elderly lady knitting whilst driving,

"Pullover", he exclaimed.

"No, it's a scarf", she replied..

Two Swedish police officers are patrolling the Norwegian border.

It’s Friday afternoon and they’re in a good mood. They’re talking about how much they look forward to going home to their wives for a nice meal and some fun in bed. But suddenly they see a man who has hanged himself from a tree.

The first officer goes, *Damn it! Now we have to write a report ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Chinese general, an American Officer, and a random drunk asshole sit down in a bar and start to brag.

"If all our bombers were to be airborne at once," says the American, "you wouldn't be able to see any part of the sky".

"Hah" boasts the Chinese General, "if all our soldiers were to march at once, you wouldn't be able to see an inch of the ground."

The situation grows tense, and the d...

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources officer asked a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “and what starting salary are you looking for?” The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, fourteen paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years? Say, a red Corvette?” The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow!! ...

How do Ukrainian snipers tell which Russians are the senior officers?

The number of stripes on their tracksuits.

A drunk wakes up in jail and asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" "For drinking." replies the officer.

"Great!" slurs the man. "When do we start?"

Why do police officers wear blue?

Because the black uniforms led to too much friendly fire.

Officer: “You been drinking, Reverend?” Reverend: “Just water, Officer”...

Officer: “Then why do I smell wine?”


Reverend: “Good Lord, he’s done it again!”

A police officer searched me...

A police officer searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs. “It’s not my fault,” I said, “Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again.” “Do you really expect me to believe that?” he laughed. I said, “I’ll prove i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?"

Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me."

This is an old joke that my teacher told me when I was little and most people probably already know it but I remember loving it.

A police officer pulls over a man who has penguins in the backseat of the car.
"Sir you can't have penguins in your car. Bring them to the zoo or something," the police officer tells the man.
The next day, the police officer sees the man again. Again, the penguins are in the backseat of the c...

Companies that consider themselves modern often have a “diversity officer”. Why is that role always done by a woman?

Because it is cheaper.

Why did the police officer get suspended?

Beats me.

Officer: I need you to try and identify the body I have to warn you the body was hacked up

Civilian: Yes, that’s my bother Reese

Officer: Are you sure?

Civilian: [nodding] those are Reese’s Pieces

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I almost talked my way out of a speeding ticket by telling the women officer she looked stunning..

Then I fucked up by telling her "and that's not even the drinks talking".

The new job

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job.

The officer wants to ask her a few questions...

Officer:
\- "What's 2+2"?

Blonde:
\- "Ummmmm... 4!"

Officer:
\- "What's the square root of 100?"

Blonde:...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The US Military had too many commanding officers so it offered a significant lump sum to those who retired...

They would measure whoever retired from one point on their body to another and pay $5,000 per inch. The first general asked to be measured from the top of his head to his tip toes and was paid $360,000. The second general was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

WW2: an Italian officer, an imperial Japanese officer and a German officer got captured

They all sit in a cell and wait to be interrogated by the Allies.
The German says: "My superior genetics will let me withstand every torture! I won't tell them anything!"
The Japanese says: "I will never dishonor my country and tell them our secrets!"
The Italian says: "I guess I'm fucked."...

[old joke] A navy officer sent a letter to his wife that he would be arriving a week earlier..

When he arrives,he finds his wife in bed with another man.

Disgusted, he goes to the navy base and stays in the lodge contemplating what to do next.

The next day, he receives a call from his mother-in-law who is also a wife of a naval officer.

" Rose told me everything" she sai...

A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

An officer, a gentleman and a penguin.

One day a man is walking down a London street when he comes across a penguin. Not sure what to do, he picks up the penguin and continues his journey. A police patrol spots the man,
"What are you doing with that penguin!?" the officer asks
"I don't know...I just found it standing in the middle ...

A man’s wife is missing…

Man: Officer, my wife is missing. She went out yesterday and she hasn’t come home.

Officer: Okay, what’s her height?

Man: Not sure…. Maybe around 5’6?

Officer: Okay, weight?

Man: I dunno… not slim not big.

Officer: Okay… colour of her eyes?

Man: Sort of blue...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.