A Blonde woman was speeding down the road and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.

The Blonde Cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

‘What does it look like?’ she finally asked. The policewoman replied, ‘It’s square and it has you picture on it.’

The driver finally found a square mirror in ...

At the parole hearing, the officer asked, "Tell me, why should you be released early?" The inmate responded, "It’s bec..."

Officer: Yes?

Inmate: I think I have..

Officer: Go on.

Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?

When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired

How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They'll just beat the room for being black.

A police officer arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states

Solid, liquid and gas

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After driving for 10 hours, a truck driver get pulled over by a police officer

PO: Do you know why you got pulled over?

TD: No not really.

PO: Come on out I’ll show you.

The truck driver get out of his truck and the police officer pointed to the brokers taillight

TD: Oh fuck boss is going to kill me!

PO: Its fine, it’s only a small fine.
<...

A lady gets pulled over by an Officer for speeding

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Can I see your license, please?

Lady: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: You don't have one?

Lady: I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see, can I have your vehicle registration papers, please?

Lady: ...

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Young woman in a muscle car: " Is there a problem, Officer?"

Officer: "Ma'am, you were speeding. "

Woman: "Oh, I see. "

Officer: "Can I see your license please? "

Woman: "I'd give it to you but I don't have one. "

Officer: "Don't have one? "

Woman: "Lost it 4 times for drunk driving. "

Officer: "I see...Can I see your...

OFFICER: The victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an alter made of antlers.

Detective: dear god

Officer: most likely yes

Why in the world did a Kenosha, Wisconsin police officer shoot the unarmed Jacob Blake in the back SEVEN TIMES, leaving him paralyzed?

Because he ran out of bullets.

A police officer shoots and kills an unarmed civilian

The officer is immediately arrested and eventually found guilty

In Russia a rookie police officer was assigned to ride along with a senior officer to learn the ropes. On his first day the pair came across the body of a famous politician who had been shot 30 times and set on fire. The rookie looked at his senior partner and said "This is obviously murder."

To which the partner replied "Could also be a suicide. Just depends on who killed him."

Late one night a police officer was patrolling a desolate area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark.

Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting.

The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The star...

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A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?"

"We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a...

A police officer told me my dog was chasing people on bikes.

That’s ridiculous! My dog doesn’t even own a bike!

A drunk wakes up in jail and asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" "For drinking." replies the officer.

"Great!" slurs the man. "When do we start?"

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A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange

:Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of...

A racist, a murderer, and a wife beater walk into a bar

The bartender says, "what can I get you officer?"

Two police officers saw an old woman staggering down the street. Stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home.

They loaded her into the police car one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman.

As they drove through the streets, they kept asking the woman where she lived. All she would say as she stroked the officers arm is "You're Passionate."

They drove a while longer and aske...

What do you call American police officers?

Troubleshooters.

While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer: "Yes."

Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer
barked, "Yes, what?" Instantly the machine
replied, "Yes, sir!"

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license...

and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagin...

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Officer: Are you aware how fast you were going back there?

Bold of you to assume the speedometer works in this piece of shit!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a run in with an officer...

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"

Me: "A car."

...

Damn babe are you a Minneapolis police officer?

'Cos you're breathtaking..

“Officer, why are you crying while writing me a ticket?”

Cop: It’s a moving violation.

What do you call a law-abiding Middle Eastern waffle shop that caters to police officers, but tastes horrible?

Awful, awful lawful "Lawful Waffles & Falafels"

Me: "Officer, I'll now take off my mask."

Officer: "Fine for me."

A Police Officer was waiting along the side of a highway waiting to catch speeding drivers. There weren't as many violators this day as usual. The State Police Officer sees an old car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back--wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly t...

A soldier approaches a nun.

"I don't want to be rude, but can I please hide under your dress? I'll explain later." Said the man.

"Go ahead", answered the nun.

Two high ranked army-officers walk up and ask the nun: "have you, by any coincidence, seen a soldier?"

After the officers disappear the soldier lea...

Bank officer: "Good morning. Your name, sir?" "Tonto."

"Great. I'm your Loan Arranger."

How did the police officer find out?

A group of 4 friends were driving home one night through the country road near their home after a late night of partying and debauchery. As they drove through the twisty, poorly lit roads they struck a pig that had escaped its pasture.

Although the pig ran off seemingly with just a limp, the...

a parking enforcement officer just cast a spell on me because I parked in a handicap spot illegally

“you will be toad”

A police officer attempts to stop a car...

for speeding but the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph.

The man eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.

The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your ...

Officer: You're under arrest for using counterfeit bank notes

Me: *Slides a crisp £17 bill* How about now eh?

Trust A Fellow Officer

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial -- it went like this:
Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q: Officer, wh...

“Officer, how did the hacker escape?”

“I don’t know...he just ransomware!”

What did the police officer say to the failed porta potty thief that got crushed when it fell on him during his attempted getaway?

“Stop! In the name of the law, you are under arrestroom!”

As I handed him my passport, the immigration officer stared at me with cold, dead eyes and mumbled, "I might not always agree with you, but..."

"I can see where you are coming from."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police officer stopped a man

"Sir, please stop sexually offending that man."

"Don't worry, I'm a registered sex offender."

"My mistake, sir, you may continue."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A DEA officer stopped by our farm the other day.

“I need to inspect your farm for growing illegal drugs.” he said. “Okay but don’t go into that field over there...”

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying “Mister I have the authority of the federal government with me!” Reaching into his pocket he took out his badge and shoved it in my face...

Mr. Heisenberg was driving too fast on a road when he suddenly got stopped by a police. Heisenberg asked the following "Is anything wrong, officer?" which the police replied with "Are you out of your mind? You were driving 250 kilometers per hour!"

To that Mr. Heisenberg said "Aw damn it! Now I don't know where I am!"

A police officer pulled me over and told me I’m too young to drive by myself, I assured him I wasn’t driving alone.

He didn’t believe me, I had to open the trunk so he can see for himself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police officer pulls over a car he spots swerving all over the road, and asks the driver to step out of the vehicle. A clearly inebriated man reeking of beer stumbles out of the car...

The officer tells the man that he pulled him over because of his erratic driving and strongly suspects that he is under the influence of alcohol.

"No way, offisher. I just came from work and I am \*hic\* good-to-go," the man slurs and stumbles a little.

"Well just to be safe, would you...

What's the difference between police officers and pizza delivery drivers?

Pizza delivery drivers actually face consequences when their jobs aren't done right.

A police officer pulls over a speeding car...

The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.” The driver says, “Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.” Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”
<...

A man goes up to a police officer and asks him:

„Officer, is it allowed to call a police officer a Bull?“ The officer said: „No, I would arrest you if you did that.“
The man continued to ask: „But is it allowed to call a Bull ,Officer‘?“
„Yes, you can do that if you want.“, the officer replied.
With a smile on his face the man said: „W...

-Officer Johnson here...

\-*Officer, go ahead.*

\-We responded to a call about a woman who stabbed his husband 38 times after he walked in on the floor still wet. We're at the location.

\-*Copy, Officer Johnson. Have you arrested the woman yet?*

\-Negative, we're waiting for the floor to dry.

An officer is arresting a man.

Officer: I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia.

Man: Wait! I can explain everything!

A young woman brought her boyfriend home to meet her father, a retired military officer.

The woman was nervous because her boyfriend was a conscientious objector.
When the father asked the young man to talk about himself, the latter replied, nervously, that he was a CO.
The father clapped the young man on the back and congratulated him, thinking the latter was a commanding o...

The police chief asked, "Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case?" The officer responded, "I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress." The chief frowned and said...

"Please, just wear your police uniform."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Friends graduate together from a college. One of them becomes a businessman and the other becomes a forest officer

After a few years, the forest officer (FO) invites the businessman(BM) to visit him in the jungles of which he was incharge. The BM agrees at once and arrives at the forest within a week. They talk about old days and everything and then the FO takes him out to the jungle for a tour. A kilometer insi...

Why did so many German officers flee to Argentina after WW2?

Because they heard there was an entire town for Buenos Arians


(I hope this hasn't been posted before, if so I apologize)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend dressed up as a police officer, handcuffed me to the bed, and told me I was under arrest for being good in bed.

Then she shot me seven times in the chest.

I was pulled over by the police and the officer said " Has this car been checked? "

I said " No no it's always been light blue"

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where all occupants in a car had been killed

As he looked through the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey, let out a deep sigh and said, "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
"Wait, You can under...

I got pulled over for running a blinking red light. I tried to convince the officer; "hey...

I caught it between the blinks."

I was pulled over by a police officer for drink driving.

He said walk down the path in a straight line, 3 yards into the walk, the officer said, "You're staggering" I said, "you're quite handsome yourself" We just laughed and laughed. Now I need bail money.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chief SS Officer: "Sir, it seems we are mining too many minerals."

Hitler: "Then mine less minerals."

Grammar Nazi: "Mine **fewer**!"

Hitler: "Yes?"

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back garden is ...

Did you hear about the identical twin police officers?

They were copies.

The Pope is visiting Canada.

After completing his visit, the Canadian government gives him a chauffeur-driven car to see the natural beauty of Canada. After 20 kilometers through Canada, he says to the driver:

"Oh, let me get behind the wheel. I'm from the narrow Papal States, and I always have to sit in the back of the...

I was going to dress up as a police officer for Halloween this year

But my friends protested.

What do police officers and pokemon have in common?

attacking the enemy until they’re weak then trying to catch them.

Officer 1: This murder seems racially motivated.

Officer 2: Hate crime?

Officer 1: Of course I hate crime, idiot. That’s why I became a cop.

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