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Officer Jokes

When I visited Australia, the immigration officer asked me if I had a criminal record…

Confused, I replied, “Oh, is that still required?”

"We're looking for a drug dealer," said the police officer, "and you fit the description we've been given."

I said, "That was easy then. What can I get you fellas?"

Police officer: sir, you can’t fish here

Man: I’m not fishing, I’m teaching my pet worms how to swim.

Mr Singh walks into a bank London and asks for the loan officer.

He says he's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so Mr Singh hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which costs quarter of a million pounds.

“The car is parked on the street in fro...

A man answers his door to find a somber-looking police officer standing on his porch. “I’m sorry to have to tell you this, sir,” the officer says, “but it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus.”

The man replies, “Yeah, but she’s got a great personality.”

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources officer asked a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “and what starting salary are you looking for?” The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, fourteen paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years? Say, a red Corvette?” The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow!! ...

Who is the only higher ranked officer in the Chicken Army above Colonel Sanders?

General Tso.

what do you call a police officer with an IQ of 160?

Fired.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two DEA officers were called into their superiors office after an operation didn’t quite go to plan.

Superior: “Gentlemen, do you want to debrief me on this latest raid?”

Officer Jones: “well, sir, as I recall it, first of all I used the battering ram to flatten the door. Then, within a few seconds of getting inside, I found at least 25 ounces of coke and weed all over the coffee table” ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police officer stopped me and searched my pockets. Found a bag of weed.

"What have we here?"
"It's not mine officer."
He scoffs.
"I'm serious! I was cursed by a leprechaun, you know what scallywags they are. Now, every single time I flush this chronic down the toilet it magically reappears in my pocket."
"Bullshit."
"Try me!"
He frowns, but follows me...

So a Police officer in Mexico got a call about a train robbery...

He showed up after the suspect fled.

After interviewing everyone, he found nothing was taken and was quite perlexted. The man must of had a real loco motive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was chatting to a police officer.

Woman: Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?

Police Officer: "Yes"

Woman: Can you arrest me for thinking something.?

Police Officer: "No"

Woman: I think you're a cunt.

A man and his wife are speeding down the highway when they get stopped by a police officer

"Do you know why I pulled you over?" The officer asks
"Not really" the man answers
"Don't worry, sir, you're not in trouble, I actually pulled you over because I find the way you drive your car really impressive, you're a skilled driver, I bet you aced your driving exam and really earned that ...

Sorry officer, can't do that!

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says,

\- "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says,

\- "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Elderly Woman Gets Pulled Over For Speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

O...

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A police officer asks two men "Which one of you is the solicitor?"

One man answers "I hired the prostitute, he's my lawyer."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was driving her buggy to town when a patrol officer stopped her.

“I'm not going to book you,” he said "but I just wanted to warn you that your rear reflector is broken and it could be dangerous.”

“I thank thee,” replied the lady. “I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home.”

“And also,” said the officer, “I noticed one of the reins i...

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What's the difference between a cinema snack and two police officers having sex in the back of a car while being filmed?

One is popcorn.

What’s the difference between a velociraptor and a police officer?

The velociraptor can open doors.

What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?

When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is it okay to have unprotected sex with an Uvalde police officer?

Because they never come inside.

A Ukrainian prisoner of war is being interrogated by a Russian officer.

During their conversation, the Ukrainian notices that the Officer has only one boot.

He asks, “Did you lose a boot?”

The Russian replies “Nyet. I found a boot”

How do Ukrainian snipers tell which Russians are the senior officers?

The number of stripes on their tracksuits.

A police officer pulled me over

He walked up to my car and said, "Papers?" to which I replied "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.


I think he wants a rematch because he's been following me for an hour.

My brother is an immigration officer. He and I disagree on almost every topic…

…But he usually sees where I’m coming from.

A naked police officer came to work

A naked police officer came to work and his commander, shocked, asked him: "why did you come naked?"
The police officer said: "There was a party last night I attended. At 00:00 all lights went off and we were in the dark. All of a sudden a voice said that all females should undress. You could h...

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Students training to be police officers were given the following difficult examination question.

**A student training to be police officer was given the following difficult examination question:**

>"You're on street patrol when an explosion occurs on a nearby road. You investigate and discover an overturned van besides a large crater. Both occupants of the van are injured, and smell ...

Why are diversity officers in progressive companies always women?

Because it is cheaper.

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The Green Dickie!

A nymphomaniac just couldn't get enough pleasure. Not from any man, nor any of the many toys she had collected over the years.

One day, while having coffee with a girlfriend, she told her friend about this problem. Her friend knew exactly what she needed, and gave her the name of a ...

As an immigration officer, I may not always agree with you.

But..I know where you are coming from.

Elon Musk lands on Mars and steps out of his spaceship

### "It's a small step for a man, but a giant leap for mankind," says the ground control officer and cuts off all communications.

Two Swedish police officers are patrolling the Norwegian border.

It’s Friday afternoon and they’re in a good mood. They’re talking about how much they look forward to going home to their wives for a nice meal and some fun in bed. But suddenly they see a man who has hanged himself from a tree.

The first officer goes, *Damn it! Now we have to write a report ...

Cop on Patrol

A cop is patrolling at night and sees a car parked in lover’s lane.

He knocks on the window, when it’s rolled down he sees a guy in the front seat playing on his phone and a girl in the back seat reading a magazine.

The cop says “What’s going on here?”
The guy says, “nothing at all...

Russian police officer pulls over a man in Lada...

Russian police officer pulls over a man in Lada, who was swerving across the road. He asks: "Did you have anything to drink?"

"No," says the man.

The cop doesn't believe him and gives him a breathalyzer test. The man blows into the device and the result comes back negative. The police ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you ...

Driver : "What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?"

Officer : "Keep it, when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."

How does a Roman sailor salute a superior officer?

2, captain

a blonde is standing on the street buzzing at a lantern

a blonde police officer sees her buzzing the lantern, stops and asks: what are you doing, madam? The blonde answers: I’m trying to buzz my friend down but he’s not answering. Blonde police officer points confused at the light of the lantern and replies: but he must be home since the lights are on!...

officer Training School

Members of the 4 British Armed Services are completing an exam for Officer Training.
QUESTION: You're on a survival course & upon returning to your tent, you discover a scorpion.
What do you do?

NAVY answers: I would gingerly pick it up & throw it out of the tent.
ARMY answ...

Me: Officer, why are you crying as you’re writing me a ticket?

Cop: It’s …a moving violation.

A police officer is sitting in his cruiser watching for speeding cars.

He sees a car puttering along at 10 km/hr and thinks "this car is almost as dangerous as a speeder" and pulls them over.

As he walks up to the car and little of lady driving rolls down the window and asks "is there something wrong officer?"

"Well, yes" says the cop "why are you driving...

Vladimir Putin loses his favorite watch

He calls in his most trusted officers and tells them to stop at no expense to root out the thief and his accomplishes.

Three days later he asks for a report.

The head officer says, "We've made progress. Twelve accomplishes, after sufficient torture, have admitted their involvement an...

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher.

He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown dr*gs."

The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."...

A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

The capital police chief asked, "Do you have any leads or suspects for the congressional riot?" The officer responded, "I'd like to question the senator wearing high heels and a spandex leopard print dress." The chief frowned and said...

"Please, just wear your police uniform."

A teacher asked the children in her 3rd-year class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny answered first. "I want to start out as a S.A.S. officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militant Muslims, return as a national hero, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana...

A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery

He charged one and let the other one off

A guy with no arms……. (Long)

A guy who was born with no arms goes to the doctor one day and the doc says, ‘I have bad news, you are terminally ill and you only have one month left to live.”

The man was a absolutely despondent - but as he walked out of his doctors office, he looked up at the monastery atop the hill near t...

[old joke] A navy officer sent a letter to his wife that he would be arriving a week earlier..

When he arrives,he finds his wife in bed with another man.

Disgusted, he goes to the navy base and stays in the lodge contemplating what to do next.

The next day, he receives a call from his mother-in-law who is also a wife of a naval officer.

" Rose told me everything" she sai...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Chinese general, an American Officer, and a random drunk asshole sit down in a bar and start to brag.

"If all our bombers were to be airborne at once," says the American, "you wouldn't be able to see any part of the sky".

"Hah" boasts the Chinese General, "if all our soldiers were to march at once, you wouldn't be able to see an inch of the ground."

The situation grows tense, and the d...

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!

So he turns on his lights
and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five
old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the
back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him,
"Officer, I don't understand, I was ...

An officer is at the scene of a car accident filling out a report...

Officer: "Let's see here, driver deceased.
Cause of death? Decapitation. Location of body? Torso in gutter, head in medeon... uh... meddi... medan..." *kicks head*... "Head also in gutter."

Good mood

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But, officer" the man began "I can explain"

"Just be quiet" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say"...

Why did the police officer arrest the skeleton?

They could see the joint in his hand.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new German coast guard officer was appointed during WWII

(This is an oldie that was an ad once upon a time.)

So, as he starts his new shift after a few brief instructions from his superior, he sits down when suddenly, over the radio, in a British accent, he hears

'Mayday! Mayday!'

'Mayday!'

'We're sinking!'

The German o...

Layer at the police station: "I won't say anything without my lawyer present. "

Police officer: "YOU ARE THE LAWYER!"

Lawyer: "Yes, I know, so where's my present?"

After watching the Tour de France for several years running, a guy decides that he's going to get into cycling.

So he buys himself a brand new road bike, and sets out for his first long ride. He's pretty fit, and takes a long route over several hills. But on his way back, he finds that he's just too tired to continue, and just can't make it back up over those hills.

He decides to try to catch a ride ...

What are you doing with that penguin?

So this cop is waiting behind a billboard in the desert. He's just chilling in his car waiting for speeders to ticket when, all of a sudden, a man drives by at under the speed limit. The cop is about to let him pass, but then he sees the man has, of all things, a penguin in his shotgun seat!
The ...

The Queen and her protection officer were walking through the park in Balmoral (TRUE STORY as told to me by a close source)

As they walked they were approached by an older American couple. “Afternoon, isn’t it lovely here, do you come often?”

“As I matter of fact I live nearby actually.” replied her majesty as her PPO shifted uncomfortably.

“Wow, have you ever met the Queen?!” asked the eager tourists.
<...

A blonde woman visits her husband in prison.

Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: “You shouldn’t make my husband work like that. He’s exhausted!”

The officer laughs and says, “Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!”

The wife replies: “Bullsht! He just told me he’s been digging a tunnel for mo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Honest, officer, I was not paying this woman for sex.

I was paying her to lower her standards.

A drunk wakes up in jail on New Years Eve and asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" The cop replies, "For drinking."

"Great!" slurs the man. "When do we start?"

Afraid

An elderly lady was stopped at a routine roadblock check by the police.

When the officer checked her license and registration he noticed that she had a concealed carry permit.

He asked her if she had a weapon in the car, she replied that she had a 45 pistol in the seat beside her. ...

A man faced execution by firing squad and was asked by the officer in charge if he had any last words...

Safely behind his men, the officer shouted, "SQUAD! PREPARE TO FIRE ON MY MARK! I WILL COUNT DOWN AND GIVE THE ORDER TO FIRE! PRISONER, DO YOU HAVE ANY FINAL WORDS? THREE!"

The prisoner said, "Yes sir, I do."

The officer shouted, "WHAT ARE THEY? TWO!

The prisoner shouted "ABOUT....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The other day I was pulled over by a cop and arrested…

Him: Do you have any idea why I pulled you over, sir?

Me: No, officer

Him: I’ve pulled you over because you were all over the road, have you been drinking tonight, sir?

Me: No, officer

Him: Okay, I’m going to get you to say the alphabet backwards for me, okay?

Me...

Alright so hear me out, if the big bang was 13.8 billion years ago, and matter cannot be created nor destroyed, and all our bodies are made of matter, that mean we're all 13.8 billion years old...

so in conclusion yes officer she was old enough.

a farmer was driving a cart full of vegetables to market when he had a head on collision with a semi

the farmer suffered severe injuries and was in the hospital for several months and was told he would be in pain for the rest of his life. He sued the driver of the semi and they went to court . in court the drivers lawyer asks the farmer

drivers lawyer " when the police arrived did they ask ...

At the parole hearing, the officer asked, "Tell me, why should you be released early?" The inmate responded, "It’s bec..."

Officer: Yes?

Inmate: I think I have..

Officer: Go on.

Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man calls the police, upset that his house has been broken into, and his toilet used.

The owner says that nothing has been stolen, and the police officer finds no signs of forced entry. "Why exactly did you call the police?" he asks.

The owner takes the officer into the bathroom and shows him the toilet bowl. "What do you see?" he asks. "A turd," says the officer.

"Exac...

A police officer is eating chicken with rice, sitting across from a stranger

While eating he says, "Boy do I sure love Jasmine rice."

The stranger sitting across from him says, "That's not Jasmine rice, it's Basmati."

The police officer replies, "Are you sure? Do you mind if I ask you some questions about it?"

To which the stranger responds, "No, I know ...

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