What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?

When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired

How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They'll just beat the room for being black.

Late one night a police officer was patrolling a desolate area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark.

Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting.

The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The star...

A police officer pulls over a speeding car...

The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.” The driver says, “Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.” Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”
<...

What's the difference between police officers and pizza delivery drivers?

Pizza delivery drivers actually face consequences when their jobs aren't done right.

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where all occupants in a car had been killed

As he looked through the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey, let out a deep sigh and said, "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
"Wait, You can under...

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My girlfriend dressed up as a police officer, handcuffed me to the bed, and told me I was under arrest for being good in bed.

Then she shot me seven times in the chest.

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A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange

:Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of...

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Two Friends graduate together from a college. One of them becomes a businessman and the other becomes a forest officer

After a few years, the forest officer (FO) invites the businessman(BM) to visit him in the jungles of which he was incharge. The BM agrees at once and arrives at the forest within a week. They talk about old days and everything and then the FO takes him out to the jungle for a tour. A kilometer insi...

I was caught drunk driving when I saw the stunning police officer.

It was a breath-taking experience.

Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.

The driver obviously confused said, "Officer, I d...

What is the difference between a lightbulb and a police officer?

A light bulb gets replaced if it is not working

Did you hear about the identical twin police officers?

They were copies.

The police chief asked, "Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case?" The officer responded, "I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress." The chief frowned and said...

"Please, just wear your police uniform."

Officer 1: This murder seems racially motivated.

Officer 2: Hate crime?

Officer 1: Of course I hate crime, idiot. That’s why I became a cop.

Police officer pulls over a woman for speeding

He says to her, “ma’am you were going 20 over do you have an explanation?”
The woman replies no and the cop proceeds to write a ticket.
The woman says, “I thought you don’t give pretty girls tickets.”
Cop says, “we don’t, here’s your ticket

Two officers are walking the streets reminding people that curfew starts in 15 minutes

Suddenly one of the officers shoots a guy running home.

The second officer asks "Why did you shoot him, the curfew hasn't started yet?"

The first officer replies: "I know where he lives, he wouldn't have made home in 10 minutes".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Officer: everything you say can and will be held against you in the court of law

“Titties”

An officer asks a soldier...

Officer: Soldier, do you've change for a dollar?

Soldier: sure buddy!

Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Do you've change for a dollar?

Soldier: No, SIR!

Police Officer: Man, are you high?

Me: Am I what?

Police Officer: High

Me: Hello

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard that Gotye used to give oral sex to a police officer so he'd turn a blind eye to his crimes.

The officer eventually arrested him, despite this. Now he's just some Bobby that he used to blow.

A police officer turned up at my house the other day and told me my dad was pronounced dead

I couldn’t believe I’d been pronouncing it wrong all this time

Why did the police officer arrest the artist as a murder suspect?

He was a sketchy dude.

[At parole hearing] Officer: Why should you be released early?

Man: I’m ..

Officer: Go on.

Man: I think...

Officer: Yes?

Man: Can I please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

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What did the police officer say to his belly-button?

You’re under a vest.

“Officer, why are you crying and writing me a ticket?”

Cop: Because....it’s a moving violation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is it called when an officer poops his pants while chasing a perp?

Active doody.

The officer was blunt about what happens to marijuana smokers

He takes them to the joint.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police officer Vs A Bull

An undercover cop called at my farm in the sticks yesterday evening...
“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.

“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.

The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the au...

A Blonde crashed A Helicopter. A Police Officer Asked Her What Happened. She Says,

“It Got Cold So I Turned Off The Fan.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of Hitler’s officer’s walked into Hitler’s office and asked, “Mein Fuhrer, what is the key to our plan to create an Aryan race?

Hitler responded: Concentration, my friend.

Why is the police officer social distancing himself from the fridge?

So he can flatten the curve

A soldier runs up a hill and around a corner before slamming into an officer.

“Where do you think you’re going, son?”
“Sorry, Captain! It’s crazy out there and the firefight was so heavy. I got scare and tried to go AWOL.”
“Who you calling “Captain?” I’m a general!”
“Wow!” exclaimed the soldier. “I didn’t realized I’d run that far back.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy gets pulled over for speeding and the officer says,

"What's your name son"?

He replied. "D-d-d-dav-dav-David sir".

The officer looks at him suspiciously and says, "Oh, do you have a stutter"?

The guy replied, "No, my dad has a stutter, and the guy who filled out my birth certificate is an asshole".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call 2+ police officers having sex?

Copulation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young teenage girl was making a living as a prostitute

and for obvious reasons she kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but littl...

What is a police officer's favourite colour?

Copper (my six year old is making up jokes again).

Two Interpol officers were taking a Chinese criminal back to China when they got stranded on an island

Officer 1, being the senior, came up with a plan for their survival.

Officer 1: Ok, so here's what we'll do. Officer 2, you'll go around the island and collect material for us to build a shelter. I will keep trying my phone to try and contact HQ to pick us up. Chinese guy you go into the wood...

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I get pulled over and the officer says “do you have alcohol in the car?

Me: yes officer, do you want some?

Officer: are you trying to bribe me?

Me: no officer, I’m just being friendly

Officer: I don’t know where you’re from, but around here offering an officer alcohol is not friendly

Me: I’m sorry officer. I really think you could use some th...

An officer running a speed trap stops a car on the interstate for going dangerously slow.

He walks up to the car and sees two very old women. The driver with very thick glasses, and one very pale, wide eyed passenger.

"Ma'am I have to tell you, it's very dangerous going so slow on an interstate."

"What do you mean too slow? The speed limit is 10" as she points to a sign. ...

Excuse me, sir, have you seen a police officer around?

“Excuse me, sir, have you seen a police officer around?”


“No, not a soul, actually.”


“Very good, now give me your wallet, watch and laptop!”

So a guy walks into a bank in Manhattan and asks for the loan officer

The loan officer comes over immediately.

“How can I help you, sir?” he asks.

“I’m going out of town on business for two weeks and need to borrow $5,000,” the man answers.

The loan officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan.

So, the man ho...

A police officer knocked on my door around 8 last night to tell me it looks like my wife has been hit by a truck.

I explained that I agree, but she is a great mother, and is super nice.

An officer and a lawyer were having a discussion in court.

Lawyer: "A woman shot her husband because he stepped on her freshly mopped floor."

Officer: "That is correct."

Lawyer: "Officer, can you explain why it took you 20 minutes to arrest the woman once you got there?"

Officer: "The floor was still wet."

I was pulled over last night and the officer asked me if I had a police record.

I told him “no but I have a couple albums by Sting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A military officer by the name of Major Bed had arrived in Thailand for an undercover job...

For the job to be an utmost success, he needed to get plastic surgery to change his identity a bit as well as a new ID. He found a renowned doctor who also made fake ID's and made an appointment for the next day.

After he made the appointment, he had the full day to fuck around so he decided ...

A young boy comes running down the street looking for a cop. He finds one and then begs "Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father's in a fight." Well, they get back to the bar and there's three guys fighting like you wouldn't believe.

After a while the cop turns to the kid and says "Okay, which one's your father."

The kid looks up at the cop and says, "I don't know, officer, that's what they're fighting about."

Most people don’t realize how similar the jobs of dentists and correction officers really are.

They both mainly consist of cavity searches.

What’s the difference between a police officer and a 100m sprinter

Sprinters rarely beat the black guys

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his hea...

A military function is being held where all officers of the Army, Navy and the Air force are present.

The Army and Navy officers were describing the Air force as the Cinderella of the military.

To this, the Air force officer replied" I don't know a lot about Cinderella except the fact that she had two ugly sisters".

But Officer, I would never drink alcohol while driving!

I only drink when I'm stopped at a red light.

A police officer was brought to the stand to testify on behalf of his partner who was accused of making a wrongful arrest.

“Your honor,” the cop began “my partner on duty has always been my closest friend and my most trustworthy work associate. I trust this man with my life and I believe that speaks volumes for his character.”

“Objection, your honor!” Said the plaintiff’s lawyer.

“Sustained,” said the judg...

Heisenberg gets pulled over by a cop on his way to work. The officer approaches his window and says "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"

"No, but I know where I am"

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