An officer running a speed trap stops a car on the interstate for going dangerously slow.

He walks up to the car and sees two very old women. The driver with very thick glasses, and one very pale, wide eyed passenger.

"Ma'am I have to tell you, it's very dangerous going so slow on an interstate."

"What do you mean too slow? The speed limit is 10" as she points to a sign. ...

I was pulled over last night and the officer asked me if I had a police record.

I told him “no but I have a couple albums by Sting.

A Navy recruit has his first day in the submarine.

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

“Officer, how did the hackers manage to get away?”

“I have no idea. They just ransomware.”

A drunk wakes up in jail and asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" "For drinking." replies the officer.

"Great!" slurs the man. "When do we start?"

A young boy comes running down the street looking for a cop. He finds one and then begs "Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father's in a fight." Well, they get back to the bar and there's three guys fighting like you wouldn't believe.

After a while the cop turns to the kid and says "Okay, which one's your father."

The kid looks up at the cop and says, "I don't know, officer, that's what they're fighting about."

I’m going to join the Navy purely out of spite

I’m longing to become a Petty Officer.

A man is illegally fishing

So a man is illegally fishing for 2 hours, at this point he has a bucket full of fish and he’s still fishing, out of nowhere a cop comes in and tells him

“You know you can’t fish here right? It’s illegal, I’m gonna have to arrest you.”

The man hides the pole and replies:

“Oh no...

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Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.

"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"

"Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."

"What about if I were just to think it?...

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There was a man who recently started dating an extremely attractive woman

Soon he found out that he was required to spend 3 weeks in Hong Kong for work. He thought to himself "Damn, I'm going for 3 weeks and knowing the needs of my girlfriend, I'm sure she'll cheat on me".

He decides to go to a sex shop so that he could buy something with which his girlfriend could...

A male driver is pulled over by a cop Man: What's the problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken
tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know abou...

As a customs and immigration officer, I might not always agree with you.

But I can see where you are coming from.

how police officers dose it take to change a light bulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black

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Do you know what the toughest part about being a gay, black, police officer is?

The discrimination.

A student was flying back home so he reaches to the airport counter and speaks to the counter officer:

Student: Sir, here is my passport and the ticket.

Officer: Ok,its alright may i check your luggage.

Student: Ok here it is.But I would like to send my green suitcase to Hawaii and my red suitcase to London.

Officer:( Looking confused), I'm sorry we cannot do that?

St...

A lake peer officer is talking through a megaphone: "Boat 99, please return to shore, your time is up"

A colleague walks up to him and asks: "Who are you calling? There are only 70 boats today."

The officer looks back at the lake, thinks for a bit, and starts talking again: "Boat 66, is everything ok?"

A Chinese journalist is interviewing a riot officer about the protests occurring in his city.

Journalist: Do you find it difficult to follow orders that may harm the people protesting?

Riot Officer: I do, some of these people are my friends and neighbors. When given such a choice, the only thing I can really do is listen to my heart.

Journalist: And what does your heart say?...

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DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday. “We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.”

DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday. “We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.”

....I said, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there”

Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can ...

A police officer is interrogating a thief

P: So, you tried robbing this bakery in broad daylight?

T: Yes.

P: You just snuck into their kitchen and grabbed a few kitchen utensils before being caught. You know what makes you?

T: A whisk-taker

Officers on Epstein's Suicide Watch did their jobs.

They watched the whole thing.

What do Rockstars and Police Officers have in common?

"EVERYBODY PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!"

“Officer, you can’t write me a ticket. I have to run a marathon tomorrow.”

Cop: Stop playing the race card.

A police officer pulled over Werner Heisenberg.

The officer said “I clocked you going 75.”

Heisenberg replied “Great, now I’m lost!”

Why didn't Jeffrey Epstein high five the prison officer?

He tends to leave people hanging.

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A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: "You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!" officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!"

"Bullshit! He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"

A tomato officer with its team walks to Salad's house and knocks on the door.

"Lettuce in!"

I was offered a job as a noise pollution officer...

But I had to turn it down.

A police officer at my school said “We will never forget nine eleven”

I said well i sure hope not it’s your phone number.

How many law enforcement officers does it take to throw a handcuffed person down concrete stairs?

None. They fell.

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A border custom officer saw a suspicious truck at the check post.

The officer immediately asked the Truck driver to bring the truck aside for a complete check up.

"Are you smuggling something?" asked the officer to the truck driver. "It would be wise if you told me before we found something."

"Nope," said the truck driver casually. And he was right. ...

A police officer radioed the station for backup

Officer: Looks like that domestic disturbance is a homicide, old lady murdered her husband for tracking dirt on a floor she just mopped.

Dispatch: have you arrested her?

Officer: Not yet. The floor isn't dry.

An old man was speeding down the road and a police officer was behind him.

Initially, the old man was going 100 mi/h.

Once he saw the cop started going 110 mi/h, then 120 mi/h, and finally 140 mi/h.

He thought to himself ‘Well I’m an old man what do I have to lose’ and proceeded to pull over

The cop came up to his car and told him ‘I’m about to get of...

A soldier looks at the sky and suddenly yells: "we gotta act fast, it's about to neutralize our base!". His commanding officer says: "What the hell are you talking about, we ain't even at war!?"

The soldier replies: "Acid rain".

A rookie officer was in IA after shooting a man that had flagged him down while on fire.

In his defense, the man had been waving a Fire Arm in his direction.

An on-duty police officer is staking out a particularly popular bar right before closing time hoping to catch anyone trying to drink & drive

As the patrons start exiting the bar at closing time, he sees one guy who seems particularly drunk.

The cop watches intently as this guy stumbles off the curb, trips over his own feet and tries his car keys on 4 different cars before ultimately finding his own. Once he finally finds his car a...

Officer: “I’m sorry to say sir, but it looks like your wife was hit by a bus.”

Me: “Yeah, but she’s got a great personality!”

Officer stops a man for speeding— notices he's not wearing his required prescription glasses.

Officer says, "I have to give you a ticket for not wearing your glasses."

Driver says, "But Officer, I have contacts."

Officer says, "I don't care who you know, you're still getting a ticket."

Two blonde police officers crash their patrol car into a tree...

After a moment’s silence, the first blonde says to the other, “Wow, I think that’s the quickest we’ve ever got to the scene of an accident.”

Police officer: Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do for a living?

Miner: mine

[At a parole hearing] Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early?

Inmate: It’s bec..

Officer: Yes?

Inmate: I think I have..

Officer: Go on.

Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

"The Constitution says I have the right to bear arms," I told the officer

and he said, "where's the rest of the bear?"

Why did the Army Intelligence Officer smash the PC?

He heard there was intel inside.

Police officer pulls over 2 Catholic priests. Says he’s looking for two child molesters.

Catholic priests looking at each other: We’ll do it!

Its 1938 and a German officer went to France for a holiday.

At the border the French staff looked at his papers and asked : "Occupation? "

The German replied: "No, no, no, just visiting this time"

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A Cowboy from Ft. Worth, Texas walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer.

The Cowboy told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the old cowboy handed over...

What did the police officer say to the hand?

Stop! You are under a wrist!

Officer: Can you describe what the man looked like?

Victim: Um... Like Eminem, I guess?

Officer: Like... an m&m? A round candy covered chocolate man? Write that down Jimmy.

A man was shot today at my local gas station by two off duty police officers...

From what I have been told, the off duty officers were standing outside the store, enjoying their morning coffee before getting started for the day, when a man, who was pumping gas got a little bit of fuel on his sleeve, and must of had a lit cigarette because all of a sudden his sleeve caught on fi...

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An English man, An Irish man, and a welsh man are hiding in a barn from a nazi officer

The English man tells the Irish man and the welsh man to hide in burlap sacks and they all hide in the sacks

The Nazi officer walks into the barn and kicks the first sack and the English man yells “Meow” and the nazi officer says “Must be a cat”

The officer walks to the second sack k...

Why did the police officer shoot the iceberg lettuce?

Because it wouldn’t *Romaine* calm.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Officers were investigating a crime that took place at a porn studio.

Finding evidence of the perpetrators, One officer said to the other, "They definitely came in here."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Italian, a Jew, and a Polish guy apply to be Police Officers

They all ace the written exam and it's time for the interviews. The Italian has his interview and it goes great, the interviewer says, "Okay, one last question. Who killed Jesus?" The Italian says, "The Jews." Then the Jew has his interview and ends with the same question, "Who killed Jesus?" The Je...

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A Soviet Spy has been captured in Nazi Germany, and is being interrogated by an SS officer.

A Russian-Speaking Ukrainian Kapo was brought in by the SS officer to be an interpretor.

The officer asks the spy,

"Tell us what information you have stolen, who you deliver it to, and where you deliver it!"

The Kapo translates this message, and the Soviet Spy responds,

"...

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A man gets stopped by a police officer for doing 31 in a 30 zone

The police man asks what the man's job is.

The man says 'I'm an asshole stretcher'

The police man asks 'and what do you do in that?'

The man replies in detail 'we get the customers ass and slowly enlarge it by first sticking our fingers in, then our whole fist, slowly increasin...

Police officer: "I'm here to inform you that your son burned down the school"

Parents: "arson?"


Police officer: "yes, your son"

What do you call it when police officers stop a uhaul truck?

Busting a move

A cop pulls over a man for swerving on the roads late at night...

The cop says “how high are you, sir?”

The man replies with “no officer I believe it’s ‘hi, how are you?’”

A friend of mine who was an officer invited me for a ride along.

As we were driving along he told me: "I've been a cop for almost 20 years now. I can follow anyone, and I mean anyone for just 1 mile down the road and I can find something I can cite them for."

I said prove it, so he started following the next guy he saw. After a mile he said "I can't believ...

A police officer walks into an interrogation room.

"It's over, buddy," he says smugly, throwing down a stack of papers. "We've got you on a double homicide."

"Double?! What are you talking about?" the perp across from him stutters.

"Don't even try to act innocent. We've got video proof. You gunned down two women! Cher and Johnny Depp'...

A blonde police officer pulls over a blonde driver.

"Can I see your license please?"

"What does that look like?" says the blonde driver.

"It's small, rectangular in shape, and has your picture on it." replies the blonde officer.

The blonde driver looks through her purse for a while and pulls out a small rectangular mirror.
...

Last week, I witnessed a police officer put handcuffs on a criminal who was suffering from a heart failure.

Now that's what I call a Cardiac arrest.

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A group of bored military officers start talking about whether sex is work or fun

The lieutenant goes first and says, "I feel that making love is 80% fun and 20% work."

Then captain responded by saying, "No, I think that making love is more work than that. I would say that it is 60% fun and 40% work."

Finally, the major says, "No, making love is definitely way more ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Police officers stops car towing, no idea for better title

first time poster, not sure if its re-post sorry if it is, translated as im not from english speaking countrie

Driver of old Yugo (old shitty car) had stopped on highway because of engine problem and started to stop cars for towing to nearest exit, there happened to Ferrari driver to stop and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An officer spots an old woman with 2 large bags...

One of the bags rip and 1 dollar bills slowly fall out. The officer asks, “ma’am, did you steal those?” The old lady responds. She tells the officer, “No, I live next to a golf course. The golfers found a hole in my fence, so they pee through the hole, killing my flowers. So one day, while one of th...

A man is sitting at home when a police officer knocks on his door.

The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, “Yes, I am.”

The officer then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife.

The man answers, “Sure, hold on a second.”

The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, “I’m sorry, but it looks like your w...

How to get away with speeding

An older woman gets pulled over for speeding...

**Older Woman:** Is there a problem, officer?

**Officer:** Ma'am, you were speeding.

**Older Woman:** Oh, I see.

**Officer:** Can I see your license, please?

**Older Woman:** I'd give it to you but I don't have one....

Police Officer: "How high are you?"

Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three.

And promptly received a one-world answer: "Yes."

Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer barked, "Yes, what?"

Instantly the machine replied "Yes, sir!"

3 fish are arrested and questioned by an officer

The officer brings the first fish in for questioning. He asks, "Alright, what's your name?" To which the first fish responds, "Fish". "Okay, Fish," the officer replies. "Can you tell me what the hell you were doing in the public fountain??" The first fish smiles and says, "I was blowing bubbles, sir...

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A police officer is riding a horse

He comes upon a little girl riding her bike.

He stops her and asks, "Hey little girl, did Santa bring you that bike for Christmas?"

The little girl responds, "Well, as a matter of fact, he did."

The officer responds while handing the little girl a $5 ticket, "Next year, maybe y...

An officer told me to pull over when he thought that I was only semi conscious

But I assured him that it wasn't just the big trucks that I noticed. I knew there were cars and motorcycles and little trucks out there too.

What's a police officers favorite kind of coffee? (OC)

Black with extra shots.

A man was arrested and taken to an interrogation room

He says to the police officer, "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present."

"You are the lawyer," says the policeman.

"Exactly, so where's my present?"

A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”

The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”

“You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said.

The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses...

A police officer pulled over a lawyer who had failed to come to a complete stop at a stop sign.

The lawyer argued his case that the spirit of the law was simply that the maneuver be safe and since he hadn't caused an accident his actions complied with the law.

The officer disagreed and informed the lawyer he would issue him a ticket.

"I will accept that ticket if you can explain ...

What did the police officer say to the criminal who could not sleep?

"Stop resisting a rest!"

A police officer sees a man searching for something under a streetlight

The officer asks him, "What are you looking for?"

The man says, "My car keys. I lost them in that alley over there."

"Then why aren't you searching in that alley?"

"Because, officer, the light's much better over here."

A drunk was walking down the street one night, when he goes up to a cop and says, “Officer, my car was stolen!”

The Cop asks “Ok, where did you last see you car?”

So the drunk says, “Right here at the end of this key”

The cop doesn’t want to deal with it so he says, “Ok sir, go down to the station and fill out the paperwork. But before you go, you should probably zip up your fly”

The drun...

Yesterday I saw a police officer wearing a pilot's uniform,

I thought it was a bit odd.

Then I realized he was one of those plane clothes cops.

What are all the police officers bullets made out of?

Copper

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

WW2: an Italian officer, an imperial Japanese officer and a German officer got captured

They all sit in a cell and wait to be interrogated by the Allies.
The German says: "My superior genetics will let me withstand every torture! I won't tell them anything!"
The Japanese says: "I will never dishonor my country and tell them our secrets!"
The Italian says: "I guess I'm fucked."...

A German officer watches over his outpost during the Great War.

He's polishing his handgun when one of his soldiers below sounds the alarm. Down he rushes, gun in hand, to see a battle going on between his men and the British. He joins his men, and the fight seems to go on for hours. The gunfire only stops when out of the sky comes an artillery shell, destroying...

What do you call it when the Enterprise's android science officer drives in reverse?

Data backup

On a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood bar, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing.



After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into.

He was there for a few minutes as a number of ot...

How do you call a female thai post officer.

Mai Ling

A drugs squad officer stopped at a farm

...near Bradford, and talked with an old farmer.

He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs."

The farmer said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there...", as he pointed out the location.

The drugs squad officer verbally exploded saying, "Mis...

A Highway Patrol Officer pulled over a little old lady for going 10mph on the highway.

As he walked up to old lady’s car he noticed there were 3 other elderly folks looking very frightened and rigid.

He leaned down to the old lady’s window and noticed she was as calm as could be.

“Do you know why I pulled you over, ma’am?”

“No I do not,” she replied sweetly. ...

What do you call a blind SS officer?

A Not-see

Police officer: "Turn around."

Me: "Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never comin' round."

Police officer: "**Turn around!**"

Me: "*Every now an-*"

\*gets tased\*

A police officer stops a speeding car and walks up to the driver

"Do you know you were going 20 km/h over the speed limit ?"

The guy respond : "How am I supposed to know ? I don't have a license".

His wife, sitting on the passenger seat, interjects : "Don't listen to him, he's drunk."

Their kid, on the backseat, sighs "I knew we weren't goin...

A man was sitting in traffic when a cop knocked on his window.

He rolled down the window and asked the officer: "Why is there such a traffic jam?"

Officer: "A group of terrorists kidnapped a few politicians and are blocking the road. They have threatened to burn the politicians alive in 1000 gallons of gasoline if they don't get a 5 million dollar ransom...

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The husband leans over and asks his wife

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it ...

I was pulled over by a police officer the other day.

When he walked out of his car, I rolled down my windows and he said "Papers".

I said "Scissors, I win" and proceeded to drive off, and I think that's when the chase started.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(nsfw) Once upon a time, a man gets married to a beautiful buxom bombshell.

This woman has an incredibly high sex drive, and he can barely satisfy her at the rate she needs.

He gets ready to go on a business trip and wants to get something to keep her occupied in the meantime, so he goes to a local sex shop.

He asks the guy at the counter "what's the most hig...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The US Military had too many commanding officers so it offered a significant lump sum to those who retired...

They would measure whoever retired from one point on their body to another and pay $5,000 per inch. The first general asked to be measured from the top of his head to his tip toes and was paid $360,000. The second general was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched...

TIL that Vladimir Putin, Russia's President, was a KGB officer for 16 years...

He was the crème de la Kremlin

"This is the hardest part of our job," said the police officer after Adam was pronounced dead in the accident.

"Yeah, but break the news slowly. His wife is a very sensitive person."

The police officer knocks on the door and Adam's wife opens it.

"Are you Adam's widow?" said the police.

A police officer knocks on a doors

(Door opens)
Police officer: Hi there, there’s been a major incident and I’m asking around looking for leads...
Man: Leeds?! Nah mate you’re miles off, follow the M1 all the way up!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Police Officer George with his duty partner woman Police Officer Mary along with their police dog had been assigned to walk a beat.

They had been out only a short time when Mary said: “Damn, I was running late this morning I forgot to put on my panties! It is so uncomfortable without my panties. We have to go back to the station to get them.”

“We don’t have to go back,” George replied.

“Just give the dog one sniff...

So there are three brothers, one called “manners”, one called “trouble” and one called “shut up”

One day they were playing hide and seek and “shut up” was searching. He found manners very quickly so they searched for their brother.

They looked for hours and still couldn’t find him, so eventually they went to the police station.

“Manners” was shy so he stayed outside, but “shut up”...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Parking officers funeral

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at the parking officers funeral, A voice from inside screams " I'm not dead! I'm not dead! Let me out!"

The vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air in through his teeth and mutters

"Too fucking late pal, already done the paperwork."

A lawyer gets pulled over by a police officer

The officer asks the lawyer "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

"I haven't the foggiest idea," said the lawyer.

The officer replied, "You didn't make a full stop at the stop sign back there. You only slowed down."

The lawyer thinks for a few seconds then says, "If you can prove...

A man was staggering home drunk in the early hours of the morning when he was stopped by a police officer.

“What are you doing out at this time of night?” asked the officer.


“I’m going to a lecture,” said the drunk.


“And who’s going to be giving a lecture at this hour?”


“My wife.”

Police officer during random road check: "Any drugs?"

"No Sir, we got enough of everything in the trunk."

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