What do you get when cross a mobster with an assassin?

Killed most likely.

How many mobsters do you need to push a man off a cliff?

None. He slipped and fell by himself.

Did you hear the mobster tell the punchline of the joke about the famous British chef that was skewered, clean through, after falling onto more than one male Bighorn sheep?

"Gored on rams, see?"

An Italian mobster gives his son a Beretta for his 18th birthday. "Carry it everywhere" he says as he hands it to him.

The next day, the son comes home without the gun, but is sporting a brand new Rolex on his wrist. The father asks him:

"Sona, where is the guna I gave you"

"I traded it ina for a Rolexa" says his son.

"YOU STUPIDA FOOLA!!" yells his dad "One day you will hopefully hava wifa. Ima...

A mobster kidnaps a biologist, an electrical engineer, and a physicist

He sits them down and tells them, "I need a way to win a horse race every time. You are each going to think up a plan for doing this... Or else. "

A week later, the biologist walks in, "It's simple. We drug the horses with this series of amphetamines and steroids that I've come up with. "
...

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(LONG) There was once an old mobster who liked to gamble

And this made man’s heyday was primarily during Prohibition, the days when a man of means could relax with drink and a hand of poker or rummy. Fortunes in ill-gotten gains were won and lost in such places, so it was a surprise to many that the old crook who haunted the craps table had never lost a s...

Shoutout to the ex-mobster who, through witness protection, was relocated in a house under the sea.

Rest easy, you’re sleeping with the fishes now.

What do you call a mobster who’s been dead six hours?

Rigatoni.

A Mobster's son fails his exam

Mobster asks him what happened. "They questioned me for three hours," says the kid, "but I told them nothing."

What do you call a mobster that likes getting kicked in the balls?

A Soprano.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Japanese cat mobsters say?

Nyah, see?

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What do you get when you cross a mobster and his best friend?

You get your legs fucking broken, you prick.

Why did the mobster shoot the clock?

So it wouldn't tock.

What did everyone think about the mobster's funeral?

It was a hit.

An Irish mobster approached a man on the street...

He demanded "what are you, protestant or catholic?"

The man said "i'm atheist actually"

The mobster thought for a second and said "protestant atheist or catholic atheist?"

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A mobster comes home early to find a strange car in his driveway. NSFW

He sneaks into the house and up to his bedroom where he hears his wife having sex with another guy. Furiously he leaves without interrupting them and calls his best hitman over. He tells him "I'll give you $1000 to shoot her in the head and another $1000 to shoot him in the dick." The mobster waits ...

A mobster killed an Irishman with a porcelain doll

He was accused of knick-knack paddy whack

What do you call an Italian mobster who specializes in cold coffee drinks?

Al Frap-Pacino

I'm working on a script about a mobster who attempts to reinvent himself as a professional photographer. I'm gonna call it...

*The Selfie Made Man.*

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What happens when you piss off a blind mobster

Your neighbor gets a horse ass in their bed.

A half Chinese, half Italian mobster came into my store today

He made me an offer I couldn't understand

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Italian mafia boss hired a deaf accountant, Guido, and after a while he found out his accountant stole 10 million from him.

He goes to pay Guido a visit with his lawyer that knew sign language and to get him to talk where he hid the money.
 He tells the lawyer to translate, "Ask him where the money is!" The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?" Guido replies, "I have no idea what you're talk...

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Another fancy dress party joke [NSFW]

Three Italian mobsters are invited to the Don's costume party. The Don isn't your typical Don, though. He has been seeing a shrink lately, and to help his goons get in touch with their emotions he's asked them all to dress as an emotion.

Not wanting to disappoint the Don, the goons go out of ...

What do you call an organized criminal in hot water?

Mobster bisque

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The devil was feeling generous one day

So he decided to give three guys a chance to leave hell and make it to heaven.

"See that ladder over there?" he asked them, pointing to an ornate golden ladder reaching up out of the flames and into white fluffy clouds beyond.

"If you can make it to the top without laughing, I'll let h...

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The once was a Mob Boss

There once was a Mob Boss who employed a Jewish accountant who only spoke Yiddish. Despite the language barrier, the Mobster was satisfied with the guys work. That is until one year he decided to check the books and found he was short 2 million dollars.

So the mob boss sent out two goons to b...

Vinny the Hitman's birthday

On his birthday, Vinny, a professional hitman, is getting ready to go out, when suddenly, a large group of mobsters shows up at hist front door.


"Vinny," say the mobsters, "it's your birthday. Come on, we've booked you an entire restaurant. Let's go."


"Oh my god guys," says Vin...

TIL the word "Muppet" is a combination of "marionette" and "puppet".

It's like how the word "mobster" is a combination of "man" and "lobster".

A man named Arthur gets in deep with the mob....

So this guy, Arthur, is in some serious debt. He's tried everything he can think of to make some money but can't seem to break even. Out of ideas, he makes contact with the local mob boss, Big Sal and says he'll do Sal's dirty work for some cash. The mob boss agrees and says he needs three rival mob...

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