Mobster Jokes - 37 Hilarious Mobster Jokes

How many mobsters do you need to push a man off a cliff?

None. He slipped and fell by himself.

What's a mobsters favorite game?

Whack a Mole

A Mobster's son fails his exam

Mobster asks him what happened. "They questioned me for three hours," says the kid, "but I told them nothing."

An Irish mobster approached a man on the street...

He demanded "what are you, protestant or catholic?"

The man said "i'm atheist actually"

The mobster thought for a second and said "protestant atheist or catholic atheist?"

The Italian mobster Johnny Bones killed a cow.

He killed the cow in a rice field with two porcelain garden gnomes.
Local news headline- "First Known Case of a Knick Knack Paddy Whack"

What did the mobster say before he died?

Who put this violin, in my violin case?

The progressive mobster

He kills women and children also.

What do you get when cross a mobster with an assassin?

Killed most likely.

What did everyone think about the mobster's funeral?

It was a hit.

A mobster killed an Irishman with a porcelain doll

He was accused of knick-knack paddy whack

A Russian mobster goes to meet Italian mafia

As soon as Italians notice him, they scoff. "You're not real gangster."

"Why not?" the Russian asks.

"Do you own a 4 story mansion?"

"Well, no."

"How many limousines you own?"

"Limousines? None."

"And where is your solid gold necklace?"

"I, I do not ...

A mobster kidnaps a biologist, an electrical engineer, and a physicist

He sits them down and tells them, "I need a way to win a horse race every time. You are each going to think up a plan for doing this... Or else. "

A week later, the biologist walks in, "It's simple. We drug the horses with this series of amphetamines and steroids that I've come up with. "
...

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What do Japanese cat mobsters say?

Nyah, see?

Why did the mobster shoot the clock?

So it wouldn't tock.

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What do you get when you cross a mobster and his best friend?

You get your legs fucking broken, you prick.

A half Chinese, half Italian mobster came into my store today

He made me an offer I couldn't understand

An Italian mobster gives his son a Beretta for his 18th birthday. "Carry it everywhere" he says as he hands it to him.

The next day, the son comes home without the gun, but is sporting a brand new Rolex on his wrist. The father asks him:

"Sona, where is the guna I gave you"

"I traded it ina for a Rolexa" says his son.

"YOU STUPIDA FOOLA!!" yells his dad "One day you will hopefully hava wifa. Ima...

What do you call a mobster that likes getting kicked in the balls?

A Soprano.

What do you call a mobster who’s been dead six hours?

Rigatoni.

Where did the mobster go to college?

Whas-a-matta U.

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What happens when you piss off a blind mobster

Your neighbor gets a horse ass in their bed.

Did you hear the mobster tell the punchline of the joke about the famous British chef that was skewered, clean through, after falling onto more than one male Bighorn sheep?

"Gored on rams, see?"

Shoutout to the ex-mobster who, through witness protection, was relocated in a house under the sea.

Rest easy, you’re sleeping with the fishes now.

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Another fancy dress party joke [NSFW]

Three Italian mobsters are invited to the Don's costume party. The Don isn't your typical Don, though. He has been seeing a shrink lately, and to help his goons get in touch with their emotions he's asked them all to dress as an emotion.

Not wanting to disappoint the Don, the goons go out of ...

What do you call an organized criminal in hot water?

Mobster bisque

I'm working on a script about a mobster who attempts to reinvent himself as a professional photographer. I'm gonna call it...

*The Selfie Made Man.*

Vinny the Hitman's birthday

On his birthday, Vinny, a professional hitman, is getting ready to go out, when suddenly, a large group of mobsters shows up at hist front door.

"Vinny," say the mobsters, "it's your birthday. Come on, we've booked you an entire restaurant. Let's go."

"Oh my god guys," says Vin...

I once agreed to beat a man for three ducks.

When I was younger, I starving and desperate. A mobster offered me three ducks to beat a man. Stomach growling, I agreed.

I found him in a bar. He was talking up a storm, but he was also just so nice. He bought me a drink. We shared a basket of fries. And I just couldn't go through with it. <...

A rookie comedian asks an experienced comedian how he manages to cater his jokes toward his audience.

The comedian gives the newcomer a slip of paper with a website url. “This is a forum for comedians where they trade jokes. It’s perfect to find the right joke for the right occasion.”

So just before his first gig at a tailors convention, he looks up “jokes for tailors” on the forum. He manage...

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The old painter

A mobster bough a new house in the suburbs and wanted to re-paint the fence.He called a local painter. The painter was 70yo guy. He took one look at the mobster and thought "This guy surely is dumb - I will ask him for triple the normal price" and so he did.The mobster who was not as dumb as he look...

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Back in the day, Chicago was run by the Irish mob

Now, before the Italian mob took over- I'm sure you all know Al Capone, Frank Nitti, Lucky Luciano, and the like- Prohibition era Chicago was run by the Irish mob.

The Irish gangs owned Chicago outright for a solid 18 months after Prohibition went into effect, before police raids, pressure fr...

A man named Arthur gets in deep with the mob....

So this guy, Arthur, is in some serious debt. He's tried everything he can think of to make some money but can't seem to break even. Out of ideas, he makes contact with the local mob boss, Big Sal and says he'll do Sal's dirty work for some cash. The mob boss agrees and says he needs three rival mob...

What do you call an Italian mobster who specializes in cold coffee drinks?

Al Frap-Pacino

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Italian mafia boss hired a deaf accountant, Guido, and after a while he found out his accountant stole 10 million from him.

He goes to pay Guido a visit with his lawyer that knew sign language and to get him to talk where he hid the money.
He tells the lawyer to translate, "Ask him where the money is!" The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?" Guido replies, "I have no idea what you're talk...

TIL the word "Muppet" is a combination of "marionette" and "puppet".

It's like how the word "mobster" is a combination of "man" and "lobster".

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The devil was feeling generous one day

So he decided to give three guys a chance to leave hell and make it to heaven.

"See that ladder over there?" he asked them, pointing to an ornate golden ladder reaching up out of the flames and into white fluffy clouds beyond.

"If you can make it to the top without laughing, I'll let h...

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The once was a Mob Boss

There once was a Mob Boss who employed a Jewish accountant who only spoke Yiddish. Despite the language barrier, the Mobster was satisfied with the guys work. That is until one year he decided to check the books and found he was short 2 million dollars.

So the mob boss sent out two goons to b...

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