Apprehend Jokes - 39 Hilarious Apprehend Jokes

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The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.

The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude...

Apprehended

A mild-mannered man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating wom...

My baby nephew got apprehended by the police after refusing his usual naptime

He was resisting a rest

What did the German bandit say when he was finally apprehended by Peralta?

Nein nein!

The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it's time for a change

After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off ...

Scooby Doo villain apprehended in Colombian Capital

Says, “He would’ve gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for those Medellín kids.”

30 people in France are found dead all with bullet holes in their heads. The police apprehend the shooter and ask him why he did it.

The shooter says “Well I heard that it’s tourist season in France so I grabbed my gun and flew to France to hunt some tourists.”

(I know this joke is terrible but I just thought of it and didn’t want to loose this thought so I decided to post it here)

Did you hear about the programmer who was apprehended before he could check in his code?

He was arrested for a crime; he didn’t commit.

Police apprehended a shady exterminator who releases pests into client's homes

They caught him fleaing the scene

SC shooting suspect Dylan Roof has been apprehended.

He was charged with impersonating a police officer.

Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend were apprehended in the act of breaking into the kennels and setting the inhabitants free. I guess that makes it official.

The Who let the dogs out.

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The world's loudest masturbator has just been apprehended by police...

and he won't cum quietly.

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A man attempting to piss in public is apprehended by a police officer...

The officer asks him, "Sir, do you realize this is against the law?"

The man replies, "No, sir, it's against the wall."

A Femme Fatale reports to her superior after a successful undercover mission.

"Excellent work, as always, agent. Operation *Girlfriend Experience* was an outstanding success because of you. The villain has been apprehended and is awaiting sentencing," the superior comments.

"Thank you, sir. Just doing my duty," she responds.

"But there is one thing..." he contin...

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A man was apprehended for public masturbation but ultimately let go because he only did it for 10 seconds...

Ya, he definitely got off easy.

Police nearly apprehended a drug dealer selling cocaine in a tobacco store.

They were close, but no cigar.

Donald Trump is boarding Air Force One

When all of a sudden, an assassin jumps out and points the gun at Trump. A member of the secret service sees this and yells, “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would-be assassin so much that it gives the other agents time to apprehend him. While the agents interrogate the assassin, Donald Trump pulls...

What's the difference between a wizard's wand and a policeman's truncheon?

One is used for cunning stunts, the other is used for...

... apprehending criminals.

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A man walks up to his friend looking sad.

“Somebody stole my thesaurus!” He groans.
“And my dictionary to boot!”

His friend put a reassuring hand on his shoulder and gives him a soft smile.

“How sorrowful my dear companion that such a lamentable circumstance has befallen you. I will pray that the perpetrator be swiftly a...

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[long] A pregnant woman was standing in line at a bank.

All of a sudden a masked man bursts through the front door waving a gun wildly around. He shouts that he is robbing the bank and that everyone in it is now his hostages. The police soon arrive and in the ensuing stand off shots were exchanged from both sides, the woman was struck three times in her ...

In other news..... Police arrested a musician for stealing

Police apprehended a musician for stealing the right half of the piano.

He was in treble.

An old lady calls 911 late one night...

So an old lady calls 911 late one night. The dispatcher answers "911, what is your emergency?"

"There appear to be two men rummaging through my shed."

"A breaking and entering? We'll have an officer over in an hour."

"An hour? But they won't be here in an hour. They're breaking ...

A white baby was born in a black tribe from the jungle

The news travelled fast around the tribe and soon after, the confusion led to anger. Upon his return from the jungle, the white British zoologist who was living with the tribe for the past 3 years, was quickly apprehended and brought to the tribe's chief to be urgently judged.

At first, the t...

A police dispatcher is taking a call from the scene of a domestic disturbance...

Officer on scene: We're at 1120 Elm Street. A woman has just shot her husband for walking on her freshly mopped floor.

Dispatch: Have you apprehended the suspect?

Officer: Negative; the floor is still wet.

A man was arrested for killing gang members, then cutting off their feet and taking them

When apprehended, the man said he had heard it was profitable to sell Crip toes.

A Czech joke translation

Since we're all translating jokes, this is one I heard when I lived in Prague. FYI, it was a big hit when I told it in Sweden using Norway as the other country.

So an incredibly nefarious criminal escapes from prison in the Czech Republic. Rumor is he went across the border to Slovakia. So th...

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One of my favorite jokes

One day, a woman, pregnant with triplets, had some business to do in the bank. Tough luck, 3 minutes into her conversation with an assistant, an armed robber barges into the bank. He was quickly apprehended, but he managed to fire three shots. Unfortunately, all of them hit her right in the belly....

The Law Enforcement Test

The President wants to know which of the enforcement agencies is the best at convicting criminals so he sets a test for the CIA, FBI and LAPD. He releases a rabbit into the forest and asks them to apprehend it.

The CIA go in first, using drones to scan the trees, paying the other animals for ...

Two guys are stuck in prison.

Desperate to get back out and perhaps lead semi-regular lives, the two cellmates try to brainstorm for an escape plan. A mere hour and a half later, one of the men comes up with a plan: steal some children's craft scissors, smuggle them back to the cell, cut through the floor, and cut out a tunnel b...

Florida man wanted for stealing police tires!

Police are working tirelessly to catch and apprehend the person at large...

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Sniffer dog on a plane

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second ma...

A Western Joke (OC)

Three brothers, Marty, Jim, and Joe Sly, were apprehended robbing a small town bank after shooting the security guard.

The judge sentenced them to death by hanging, but the people realized they didn't have a gallows.

They used a square box for the base, put a heavy pot on a raised pl...

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3 men go to a bug farm

3 men get drunk one night and break into a Bug Farm. They start smashing away at the signs and windows, before each settling on an enclosure to destroy, killing every insect they find there.

The beam from a flashlight illuminates them all mid-destruction, and an enormous security guard appreh...

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A childhood story my teacher shared

My intercultural communication teacher told us this today. Thought I'd share.

When he was about 16, he and his friends got the bright idea of egging some military vehicle. Once the eggs flew and hit their mark, a few marines in training around their early 20s rushed from the vehicle and appre...

A man walks into a bar, at night

He walks in and is seated next to the most beautiful woman he's ever seen in his life. All he can think about is how he has to marry her. He strikes a conversation with her and they hit it off. They leave the bar and as they're walking out she gives him her number, her name was Lela.

They had...

FBI, CIA and NYPD

Are all discussing which is the best organization at catching criminals. To settle the discussion they all agree to go into a near by Forrest to find a released rabbit.
The FBI goes in first. After a couple of weeks they are unable to find the rabbit so they burn the forrest down, killing every...

Headline

A man wanted to kill his wife, so he got a hold of a notorious assassin named Arty. The man tells the assassin that his brunette wife shops at the market every Thursday afternoon wearing the same leopard print coat. Since Arty really just enjoyed assassinated people for the fun of it, he only charge...

Morgue Murderer Caught

The infamous Morgue Murderer was finally apprehended for his crimes of breaking into morgues and brutally slitting the throats of unsuspecting employees.

It turns out that it really never pays to cut coroners.

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Usain Bolt was going for run around his neighborhood when a policeman pulled him over.

Usain, confused to why he was being apprehended, asked, "Is there a problem with a black man going for a run?"
The cop respond, "No, you were doing 30 in a 15."

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