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Maniac Jokes

What do you call a maniac on a bicycle?

A cycle path

How did the maniac find his way out of the woods?

He followed the psycho path.

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A group of Engineering professors were invited to fly in a plane.

Right after they were comfortably seated, they were informed the plane was built by their students.

All but one got off their seats and headed frantically to the exits in maniacal panic.

The one lone professor that stayed put, calmly in his seat, was asked: “Why did you stay put?”...

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My therapist told me I'm a psycho sexual maniac.

How did she get the ball gag off?

Thank you r/jokes. I read this sub every morning at the beginning of my work day, laughing like a maniac till my hands and legs shake uncontrollably.

I just wish the kids on the school bus I'm driving would stop screaming in fear once in awhile.

A report came on the news that a maniac was driving the wrong way down the motorway.

I thought I had better give my grandad, who was visiting me, a call and warn him.
He said, "There's not just one, there's hundreds of them."

The Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.

When he sees the car, he motions to the driver and says: "Do you mind if I ask you a favor?"

"A favor for the Pope??" exclaims the driver, "of course - anything!"

"You know, I hardly ever get to drive, and I'd really like it if I got to drive now. Would you please let me?"
...

Three vampires are arguing amongst themselves.

Each is claiming to be the most vicious.

The first one suddenly runs off, and comes back in fifteen seconds, blood dripping from his mouth.

'See that house over there?' he says, pointing. 'I've killed all of the family members inside and sucked their bodies dry of blood.'

The s...

Some maniac broke my windows yesterday night.

What scares me is that he somehow got into my computer room.

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Sex Maniac! ---

A newly wed lady writes a letter to her mother for the first time after her marriage.

This is how the letter went:

Dear mom,

I'm happy here but danny troubles me a lot, he is such a sex maniac that he makes love to me all the time, while washing clothes, while bathing, while coo...

I heard over the radio there was a maniac on the loose!

I got so scared I almost missed the pedestrians!

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Three men are standing at the pearly gates...

Three men die and are standing at the pearly gates in front of St. Peter. St. Peter tells them, "To gain entry into heaven, you must tell me how you died."

The first man steps forward and says "Well, I got off work early today, and came home to my 10th floor apartment. Walked in, and found ...

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It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said

“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife wa...

A maniac is on the loose after stabbing 6 people with a knitting needle...

Early reports from the police suggest he is following some kind of pattern...

What's one way to turn a mild-mannered cleaner into a raging homicidal maniac?

Tell them, "You missed a spot!"

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A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing hap...

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Dear Dr. Jones, I'm writing to tell you my problem. It seems I have been married to a sex maniac for the past 22 years

He makes love to me regardless of what I am doing, whether ironing, washing dishes, sweeping, even sending e-mails, etc.

I would like to know if there is anything that ucnn hlp m wth nd f unothel gothsl ehj fpslth fjsl;s;;o{O} .lp sld mpskdli dlks; a;ld ;;'

Ccinsely ous,,, mdyl

After 3 hours of watching friends and laughing maniacally...

They were all “Dude, you gotta stop, you’re creeping us out”.

A racist, a ego-maniac, and a chauvinist pig walk into a bar...

...The bartender says, "What'll it be Mr. President?"

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane...

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat … As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, ” Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “” Business. I’m going to the Annual Nympho- maniacs of America C...

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So a man wakes up one morning wildly late for work...

Realizing the time, he threw on some clothes and ran out the door as fast as he could. He hops in his car and speeds off, driving much faster than he should have been. During his ride, he goes beneath an overpass, where a police officer happened to be parked that day. Noticing the maniac speeding do...

There was a maniac in town earlier today threatening to splash passersby with acid.

Thankfully, police managed to neutralise him.

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Batman and Robin go out for a few drinks

Both superheroes are exhausted after a long week of non-stop crime fighting, and decide to chill for a few a hours at the local watering hole.

Robin knows his friend has been working way too hard and for long hours. So he thinks, what the heck, he can get drunk and relax. He decides to remain...

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A man is peeing at a urinal…

When he hears someone smash the bathroom door open.

A huge man steps into the bathroom and growls like a maniac. The dude takes out his penis and it’s a monster! This beast of a man swings his penis like a bat and slams it into a stall door. The door explodes!

The man at the ...

How many parents does it take to raise a homicidal maniac?

Two, then one, then none

What do you call someone addicted to Pedicures?

A Clipped toe maniac

It’s statistically proven that having a ladder in your home is more dangerous than a loaded gun

that’s why I have 12 guns in case some maniac tries to sneak a ladder in here

Why did the maniacal chemist drop a rancher into his latest concoction?

Because the rancher was a cattlist.

All men think they are marrying nymphomaniacs.

The problem is, after a few years, the nympho leaves and the maniac stays.

Old lady sees a news report and calls her husband's cell-phone

"Honey", she says, "You need to be careful. I just saw that there is a maniac driving the wrong way on the freeway"

Husband replies, "A maniac?! There's not just one- there are hundreds of them!!!!!"

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What's the difference between a fake sex addict and someone who uses fake names to get free noodles?

One's a pseudo-nymphomaniac, the other's a pseudonym-pho-maniac!

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A priest is in a hurry...

He runs from his home and hails a cab. When he gets in he tells the taxi driver "I'm in a huge hurry, if I don't get to the airport in 20 minutes I will miss my flight!"

"No problem" Says the taxi driver and then he floors it. He drives like a maniac through the city, dogging in and out of tr...

What do you call a team-up between a maniac, a random white guy, and the head of the Vatican?

Snapped, Cracker and Pope

I married a nymphomaniac. Now after 5 years of marriage, the nympho is gone.

And I'm left with the maniac.

What do non-Americans call someone with a foot fetish?

A meter maniac..

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Shirley is driving to office for the first time when

her husband calls her on phone "Honey!! Please be very careful. It's being telecasted on the news that a maniac is driving recklessly on route 256 in the wrong direction".

Shirley goes : " One maniac? There's hundreds of these bastards".

Ever noticed that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot…?

…And everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

Politics is like driving

No matter which lane you're in, anyone moving faster than you is a maniac and anyone going slower is a moron.

Did you ever hear about the man who set pastries on fire?

He was a self proclaimed pie-ro-maniac.

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The ink blot test

This guy is with his psychiatrist and the psychiatrist decides to give him a Rorschach ink blot test.
The psychiatrist shows him the first ink blot.
The guy says "That's a man and a woman having sex".
The psychiatrist shows him the second ink blot
The guy says "That's a man and two women...

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Three men arrive in heaven at the same time. St. Peter comes out to greet them.

"Sorry about this guys," says St. Peter. "God didn't realize just how many people would get into heaven, so we have a new policy. You now have to tell me the story of how you died, and if I think it's sad or interesting enough, I'll let you in."

He walks up to the first man who is a nerdy, bo...

Three men are on a desrted island and get captured by cannibals

The chief of the cannibals walks up to the first man and says,
"We will grind your bones and use them for forks! Do you have any last requests?"

The man says, "I would like the most delicious meal you can offer me."

The chief grants the man his request and grinds his bones into fork...

A man is yelling "People, listen to me! I am the son of Satan!" out of the window of a mental asylum.

Another one sticks his head out and yells:

"Don't listen to him, he's a maniac! I don't have a son!"

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Stop alright! It's not No Nut November!

It's always Jack-off January, Fap February, Masturbate March, Abuse-yo-cock April, Maniacally beat-yo-meat May, Jizzy June, Jerk July, Abolish-yo-junk August, Seep-yo-seed September, Orgasmic October, Nut November, Destroy Dick December.

Mr Snail was always being teased by the insects

for being so slow. Eventually, he just couldn't take it anymore and went to the nearest car dealership.

"I want the fastest sports car you have," he told the salesman, "and make sure to paint a huge 'S' on it, so everyone will know its Mr Snail's car!"

So now, every time Mr Snail driv...

Every married man thinks hes married a nymphomaniac before he was married

Then after a few years the nympho disappears and just leaves the maniac

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Parrot's bitchin to his owner about how he never gets laid

So the owner picks up the phone and calls a friend with a female parrot, asks how much the mating fee would be? Friend says fifty bucks and the owner says fine. So the owner brings the parrot to the friend's house and puts him in a dark room with the female parrot, goes to have a drink with his frie...

What do you call someone who's obsessively environmentally friendly?

An Eco-Maniac

The Devil burst through the floor of a church in Brooklyn

He starts roaring and shouting in everyone's face saying, "DOOMS DAY HAS COME AND ALL YOUR SOULS ARE NOW MINE!" And he begins to laugh maniacally.
Everybody runs out screaming in terror except for one old dude who is giving him the evil eye. So The Devils gets right in face and roars his loudest ...

A woman is giving birth to her child

And finally, after much effort and pain, the doctor manages to help deliver the baby. The Doctor then proceeds to chuck the baby out of the window.

W: "Why? Why did you do that to my poor baby, you monster?"

The Doctor laughs maniacally and replies "April Fool's! He was already dead."

What do you call someone obsessed with procuring free pedicures?

A clip-toe-maniac

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Man vs Owl

A man was invited to his best friend’s Bachelor party and told his wife he would be back by midnight at the latest. The wife, who didn’t like him going out by himself with his buddies for a night of fun told him “midnight, not a second later or there will be hell to pay”

But of course there w...

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[Request] What's your favorite adult-themed Halloween joke?

My favorite is:


"There's a maniac living in our neighborhood. He goes house-to-house leaving severed body parts on the doorstep.

He gives me the willies."

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What do you call a woman who obsesses over learning about sex?

An info-maniac.

An elderly couple is taking a Sunday drive on I-80

when the wife gets a call on her new-fangled cell-phone. Her daughter is frantic, "Mom, there is a lunatic driving the wrong way down the road on I-80 near your house!"

The wife turns to her husband and says, "Did you hear that? Some maniac is driving down the wrong side of the road!"
...

Where did Napoleon keep his armies?

IN HIS SLEEVIES!

Best used with little kids, or followed by maniacal laughter.

As a man drives on the hiwhway he hears some emergency news on the radio

"There is a maniac on the highway driving on the opposite direction. Be very careful" the radio says.

To which the man responds

"Just one? Don't they see?? All them are driving in the wrong direction".

old man gets a call from his wife

wife: "stay off the highway. I'm watching the news and there's a maniac driving into oncoming traffic!"

old man: "it's worse than you think! I see hundreds of them!"

The Pope is visiting the U.S.

As expected, he gets a private chaffeur and a limousine.
He has always wanted to drive one, but is never allowed to. He decides to ask the driver.

The driver thinks about it for a minute, bad decides he can't say no to the Pope. And besides what could go wrong?

The Pope gets in t...

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Saint Peter Decides That Heaven Is Getting Too Full

Upon deciding this Saint Peter decides that only people who have had a really bad day on the day they died will be allowed in.

The first guy comes in and SP says "Sit down and tell me about your day." To which the guy responds "Today was the shittiest of my life. I came home early because I w...

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A man with stomach pains went to the doctor's office.

The doctor recommended that he would take five suppositories, one each evening. The man asked the doctor what a suppository was. The doctor explained that suppositories are like pills but they go into the ass instead. The doctor proceeded to show him how to take the suppositories by inserting a supp...

An architect

An architect storms into the CEOs office holding a towel to his bloody nose. "Good God, man, what happened to you!?" the CEO exclaimed.

"Sir, the lead architect on the Legend project just punched me in the face for questioning his designs, which frankly are impossible. Take a look." The ar...

A monk at a Benedictine monastery lived there for many years,

became well known for his immense learning, and eventually rose to the position of abbot, where he gained access to the monastery’s full archives. He decided to open the archives and begin translating and cataloging it.

So he holed up in the vast library, carefully going through its many rare...

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Superman was flying around metropolis one day...(NSFW)

...Minding his own business when all of a sudden he noticed Wonder Woman sunbathing nude on a roof. Wonder Woman appeared to be pretty amarous, as she was squirming around, moaning, and rubbing herself.

Superman:"Man, that's pretty damn hot. I know what I'll do. I'll fly down and use my supe...

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3 men are walking through the desert when they stumble across a lamp. They dust it off and a Genie pops out, the genie says "I will grant each of you 3 wishes!"

The first man says "I wish for a million dollars!" "Alright" says the Genie and just like that a million dollars appears at the man's feet.

The second man says "I wish for unlimited money" "Alright" says the Genie "Check your bank account" The man checks on his phone and sure enough there's a...

A man goes into a pharmacy

A man goes into a pharmacy and buys a pack of condoms. As soon as he pays, he immediately starts laughing like a maniac and runs out of the pharmacy. The next day, the same man comes in, buys condoms, and runs out laughing. On the third day, when the man did it again, the pharmacist, a curious type ...

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Three men arrive at the gates of heaven but St Peter says that heaven is kinda full and, for whatever reason, they’re only letting in the people that have died in the most traumatic way...

So the first man steps forward and says “That’s me! I was convinced my wife was cheating and left work early to catch her in the act. I burst into the bedroom and find her in bed, the sheets are a mess, the smell of sex is in the air, but she swears she was just sleeping, I search the apartment high...

A guy with one arm is sick of life.....

A guy with one arm is sick of life, he tries to get a job but no one hires him. He can't get himself a girl friend. Everyone he knows picks on him and laughs at him. He feels really down. Eventually he decides enough is enough and decides to take his own life.

He goes to the roof of the tall...

A little boy asks a middle-aged gentleman for the time

The gentleman looks at his watch and says, "It's ten minutes to three." The boy says, "Well, at 3:00, you can kiss my ass!" He sprints off, cackling maniacally, as the gentleman starts chasing him angrily.

They round a corner and the gentleman almost knocks over a passerby. After the gen...

The generals chauffeur was late...

and the general needed to be at a meeting on the other side of the base in ten minutes. The luckless private chauffeuring the jeep was going around corners on two wheels, running red lights and speeding like a maniac.

The general asks the private, "Son, do you know what the penalty is fo...

Bill Gates dies and reaches the Pearly Gates....[Long]

Meets Saint Peter at the gates and he tells Bill, “because you brought computers, technology and helped humanity, we have decided to let you tour hell and after the tour, you get to decide if you want to stay there, or come into heaven”

“I get to choose?” Asked Bill

“Yes... But just re...

An American in China

An American visits China for the first time and finds himself in a small gift shop.

He finds a bronze statue of a mouse that he really likes so he asks the shopkeeper about it.

"It's 10 for the statue but you'll have to pay more for the story behind it."

The American pays for...

One night, two law students are busy studying for an important exam to be held three days later.

However, they are burn out.


One of the boys thinks that studying any further is futile, and that they should drive tomorrow out state; meet his cousin; party like there's no tomorrow; drive back for one more day; and be in time for the exam the day after.


His colleague agree an...

3 men die and go to heaven. (different joke)

They arrive at the gates of heaven. St. Peter says, "To determine whether you get to enter heaven or hell, you must state how you died.
The first man steps forward and says,"Well, I was on my balcony of my 32nd story apartment. I was leaning on the railing, and it snapped off. I fell down, and...

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Three married guys are bragging about how good they are in the sack

The first one goes: "First I rub my wife's whole body with massage oils for a good half hour then I lick her toes. She's usually pretty excited at that point. Then I come down on her for a long time until she begs for me to give her the d. I fuck her very slowly to build up her impatience and after ...

Joe the Carpenter

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

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Old man goes to the doctor...

An older gentleman goes to the doctor and tells him he has erectile dysfunction. The doc scratches his chin, and then snaps his fingers.

"I've got just the thing for you! This is a new medicine; just cleared clinical trials. You'll feel like you're twenty again!"

"Anything to get me ba...

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Vodoo Dick

A woman complains to her friend that she hasn't been laid in years and she feels so lonely. Her friend suggests that she visit the Haitian store and she will get help. The woman is curious so she goes to the store and bashfully explains her situation to the store owner. He pulls out a wooden phallus...

A young Private

A new Private arrives on the front lines during world war 2. When he gets there he is told by the Armory Sergeant that resources are stretched thin and they have no rifles to give him, but they still expect him to go on patrol. He asks the Sergeant what he should do if he has to fight? The Sergeant ...

Three men die on the same day, at the same time, at the same hotel

They are brought to the devil and all three insist that he is an innocent victim.

The first guys says, " I was staying with my wife in room 606. When I got back from work and opened the door, I noticed an unfamiliar set of men's shoes. My wife was out, so this must be a theif. I looked around...

Joe and his tractors

So there's this guy named Joe. For years Joe loved tractors. He was obsessed with them. He had tractor posters, tractor calendars, tractor bedsheets, tractor wallpaper, tractor simulators. Anyways one day Joe is at the annual tractor convention in LA and he sees the brand new XJ54330 tractor. It's t...

A politician dies and goes to heaven...

He is greeted by St. Peter who tells him there is a new system in the afterlife. You can spend one day in heaven and one day in hell, and afterwords you can decide where you want to spend eternity.

The politician say, "ok, let's try this out."

So he spends the day in heaven, praying ...

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Heaven’s been getting pretty packed lately...

Heaven’s been getting pretty packed lately, so God came up with a solution to this. Everyone who died and goes to heaven must first get an interview with an angel, who would decide if their death was noble or not. If it was, they would be let inside, otherwise they would be sent to purgatory.
...

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Your last day on Earth is supposed to be your worst...

... And St. Peter decides who gets into Heaven based on how shitty their last day's been. Well, there's 3 guys and the first guy arrives at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter asks, "Why's your day been so terrible?"

And the guy replies, "Well, my wife's been actin funny for a few months now. She ...

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One day, a Mother Superior was attending to some matters just outside the main doors of her convent. She noticed that the Seven Dwarves had huddled some distance from her...

... and, as they argued amongst themselves, they kept throwing looks her way. After some time, one of them separated from the group to approach her. It was Doc.

“Good morning, Mother Sister. I mean Mother Superior. Really sorry to bother you, but could you help us settle an argument?”

...

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An Average Day in Heaven

God realizes that Heaven is getting pretty crowded and needs a little time for it to settle down so he can add some additions. He tells St. Peter "Don't let anyone in unless their last day was **really** shitty"

Right after this happens, a man walks up and St. Peter asks him about his last da...

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Heavenly confusion

One beautiful sunny day in Heaven, St Peter the gatekeeper, the bouncer of heaven; is mildly surprised to see 3 men pop up before him at the very same time.

St Peter pulls out his notebook that contains all the names of of people allowed in, and says:

"OK, since you cant bring earthly ...

Stop me if you've heard this one before.

Jim was suspicious that his wife had been cheating on him. He took off from work early to see if he could catch her in the act. Driving up to his apartment Jim caught a glimpse through an open window of a strange man walking around in his dining room. Now convinced his wife has been unfaithful, J...

Three men were standing in line...

... to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Saint Peter had been forced to pick who would be allowed in. "Guys listen, heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had *particularly* horrible deaths. When you’...

Tim the Conductor

Once upon a time there was a train conductor named Tim. Tim greatly enjoyed conducting his train around every day, and even though he had relatively poor pay, all was well in Tim's world. There was only one issue; Tim was a flat out *awful* conductor. He reduced the overall efficiency of all of the ...

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