A maniac is on the loose after stabbing 6 people with a knitting needle...

Early reports from the police suggest he is following some kind of pattern...

Some maniac broke my windows yesterday night.

What scares me is that he somehow got into my computer room.

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100 Year Old Sex Maniac

An old man turned 100 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper. During the interview the reporter noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages playing together. A very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and running erra...

I called my wife to tell her to be careful because the news said some maniac was driving down the wrong side of the interstate.

She said it's worse than that, there's hundreds of them.

There was a maniac in town earlier today threatening to splash passersby with acid.

Thankfully, police managed to neutralise him.

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Sex Maniac! ---

A newly wed lady writes a letter to her mother for the first time after her marriage.

This is how the letter went:

Dear mom,

I'm happy here but danny troubles me a lot, he is such a sex maniac that he makes love to me all the time, while washing clothes, while bathing, while coo...

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It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said

“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife wa...

How many parents does it take to raise a homicidal maniac?

Two, then one, then none

A racist, a ego-maniac, and a chauvinist pig walk into a bar...

...The bartender says, "What'll it be Mr. President?"

What do you call a team-up between a maniac, a random white guy, and the head of the Vatican?

Snapped, Cracker and Pope

The pope was on his way to a ceremony with no-one in his limousine except for himself and his driver.

The pope checks his watch and says to the driver:
“Huh, we're gonna be a half hour early, you mind if I take the wheel and drive around for a while? I haven't driven since ever!"
The driver is a bit concerned but obeys the pope. So the pope takes the wheel and starts driving like a maniac! N...

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Two American journalists are in London.

Two American journalists are in London attending a press convention. That evening they are in the bar chatting to fellow UK journalists when the subject of how headlines are written came up. The UK journo's commented that the Headlines in America are far too long. They need to be much shorter, and t...

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane...

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat … As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, ” Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “” Business. I’m going to the Annual Nympho- maniacs of America C...

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3 men are walking through the desert when they stumble across a lamp. They dust it off and a Genie pops out, the genie says "I will grant each of you 3 wishes!"

The first man says "I wish for a million dollars!" "Alright" says the Genie and just like that a million dollars appears at the man's feet.

The second man says "I wish for unlimited money" "Alright" says the Genie "Check your bank account" The man checks on his phone and sure enough there's a...

Did you hear about the guy who got caught stealing electric guitars?

He was a Clapton maniac.

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Old man goes to the doctor...

An older gentleman goes to the doctor and tells him he has erectile dysfunction. The doc scratches his chin, and then snaps his fingers.

"I've got just the thing for you! This is a new medicine; just cleared clinical trials. You'll feel like you're twenty again!"

"Anything to get me ba...

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A sex maniac is on board a taxi

when a beautiful nun flagged it down. the sex maniac told the taxi driver to stop the cab and to let the nun share the ride with him.

Once inside, the sex maniac groped the beautiful nun, grabbed her tits and asked her "hey sister, wanna have sex with me?"

"You rude sex maniac! You hav...

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So a man wakes up one morning wildly late for work...

Realizing the time, he threw on some clothes and ran out the door as fast as he could. He hops in his car and speeds off, driving much faster than he should have been. During his ride, he goes beneath an overpass, where a police officer happened to be parked that day. Noticing the maniac speeding do...

Every guy likes to think he's marrying a nymphomaniac..

Then after the honeymoon, the nympho leaves and the maniac stays.

The Pope is visiting the U.S.

As expected, he gets a private chaffeur and a limousine.
He has always wanted to drive one, but is never allowed to. He decides to ask the driver.

The driver thinks about it for a minute, bad decides he can't say no to the Pope. And besides what could go wrong?

The Pope gets in t...

What do you call someone who's obsessively environmentally friendly?

An Eco-Maniac

Every married man thinks hes married a nymphomaniac before he was married

Then after a few years the nympho disappears and just leaves the maniac

An architect

An architect storms into the CEOs office holding a towel to his bloody nose. "Good God, man, what happened to you!?" the CEO exclaimed.

"Sir, the lead architect on the Legend project just punched me in the face for questioning his designs, which frankly are impossible. Take a look." The ar...

Did you ever hear about the man who set pastries on fire?

He was a self proclaimed pie-ro-maniac.

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Three men arrive in heaven at the same time. St. Peter comes out to greet them.

"Sorry about this guys," says St. Peter. "God didn't realize just how many people would get into heaven, so we have a new policy. You now have to tell me the story of how you died, and if I think it's sad or interesting enough, I'll let you in."

He walks up to the first man who is a nerdy, bo...

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Vodoo Dick

A woman complains to her friend that she hasn't been laid in years and she feels so lonely. Her friend suggests that she visit the Haitian store and she will get help. The woman is curious so she goes to the store and bashfully explains her situation to the store owner. He pulls out a wooden phallus...

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One day, a Mother Superior was attending to some matters just outside the main doors of her convent. She noticed that the Seven Dwarves had huddled some distance from her...

... and, as they argued amongst themselves, they kept throwing looks her way. After some time, one of them separated from the group to approach her. It was Doc.

“Good morning, Mother Sister. I mean Mother Superior. Really sorry to bother you, but could you help us settle an argument?”

...

A man is yelling "People, listen to me! I am the son of Satan!" out of the window of a mental asylum.

Another one sticks his head out and yells:

"Don't listen to him, he's a maniac! I don't have a son!"

One night, two law students are busy studying for an important exam to be held three days later.

However, they are burn out.


One of the boys thinks that studying any further is futile, and that they should drive tomorrow out state; meet his cousin; party like there's no tomorrow; drive back for one more day; and be in time for the exam the day after.


His colleague agree an...

Studies show that owning a ladder is 10 times more dangerous than owning a gun.

That’s why I own 10 guns. In case some maniac trys to come at me with a ladder.

A guy with one arm is sick of life.....

A guy with one arm is sick of life, he tries to get a job but no one hires him. He can't get himself a girl friend. Everyone he knows picks on him and laughs at him. He feels really down. Eventually he decides enough is enough and decides to take his own life.

He goes to the roof of the tall...

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One day, Paddy was driving back home after having a few drinks.

Suddenly, he noticed a tree right in front of him, so he had to swerve out of the way. A few moments later, he noticed another one and swerved again.

This carried on for the next few minutes until a cop pulled him over.

“Jesus, Paddy,” the cop said, “why are you driving like a maniac...

Three men were standing in line...

... to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Saint Peter had been forced to pick who would be allowed in. "Guys listen, heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had *particularly* horrible deaths. When you’...

The greatest joke I ever heard. So there's this long line outside of St. Peter's gate...

St. Peter comes out and says "Alright everyone... We are pretty full in heaven right now, so we've decided that whoever can tell the best story of how they died, will get into heaven"

One man steps forward and says "I definitely have the best one..."

"I lived in an apartment complex, a...

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What's the difference between a fake sex addict and someone who uses fake names to get free noodles?

One's a pseudo-nymphomaniac, the other's a pseudonym-pho-maniac!

Only let the worst deaths into heaven...

It's a busy day in heaven, the queue is long and Saint Peter is interviewing everyone to get in. It's a busy day so God tells saint Peter to only let the people with the worst deaths in.

So the first guy goes up to Saint Peter and tells him his story. He was worried that his wife was cheating...

As a man drives on the hiwhway he hears some emergency news on the radio

"There is a maniac on the highway driving on the opposite direction. Be very careful" the radio says.

To which the man responds

"Just one? Don't they see?? All them are driving in the wrong direction".

Politics is like driving

No matter which lane you're in, anyone moving faster than you is a maniac and anyone going slower is a moron.

A young Private

A new Private arrives on the front lines during world war 2. When he gets there he is told by the Armory Sergeant that resources are stretched thin and they have no rifles to give him, but they still expect him to go on patrol. He asks the Sergeant what he should do if he has to fight? The Sergeant ...

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Are You Sure

A forester is very much bored with his job in the forest mountains.
 He is bored because he hasn't had sex for many years. He decides to go
 down to the valley to look for females. Before going down, he promises
 himself to have sex with the first female he should meet on the way.
 He th...

Three men die on the same day, at the same time, at the same hotel

They are brought to the devil and all three insist that he is an innocent victim.

The first guys says, " I was staying with my wife in room 606. When I got back from work and opened the door, I noticed an unfamiliar set of men's shoes. My wife was out, so this must be a theif. I looked around...

A wife calls her husband driving to work

and says, "Honey be careful. There's a maniac driving on the wrong side of the road on the highway."


He responds, "One maniac? There are hundreds of them."

An American and an English newspaper reporter

An American and an English newspaper reporter were drinking in the bar after a media convention and the British reporter said, "The trouble with you Yanks is that you make your headlines much too long" "How do you mean?" said American. " Well" said the Brit. "take the recent case of the patient fro...

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Three dwarfs are trying to get into the Guinness book of world records.

One thinks he has the smallest hands ever, the second thinks he has the smallest feet and the third thinks he has the smallest penis.

The guy thinking he has the smallest hands is called and goes to the back room. About five minutes later he comes out fist pumping and jumping up and down. He...

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A plane crashed down in the middle of the jungle. 4 guys survived, but they were trapped by a cannibal tribe.

The chieftain of the tribe told them that they would be eaten unless they passed 2 tests. The first of which was to find 10 identical fruits.

After some time had passed, the first guy came back with 10 apples and the chieftain told him:

-The second test is to shove those fruits up your...

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[Request] What's your favorite adult-themed Halloween joke?

My favorite is:


"There's a maniac living in our neighborhood. He goes house-to-house leaving severed body parts on the doorstep.

He gives me the willies."

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3 guys are at the gates of heaven...

...and God says, "I'm sorry, but there's only room for one of you, we're almost full. I'll let in the person who had the worst death."

So he walks over to the first guy and asks, "How did you die?"
He replies, "Well I came home from work and suspected my wife of cheating. She denied it of ...

Mr Snail was always being teased by the insects

for being so slow. Eventually, he just couldn't take it anymore and went to the nearest car dealership.

"I want the fastest sports car you have," he told the salesman, "and make sure to paint a huge 'S' on it, so everyone will know its Mr Snail's car!"

So now, every time Mr Snail driv...

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Heavenly confusion

One beautiful sunny day in Heaven, St Peter the gatekeeper, the bouncer of heaven; is mildly surprised to see 3 men pop up before him at the very same time.

St Peter pulls out his notebook that contains all the names of of people allowed in, and says:

"OK, since you cant bring earthly ...

Welcome to the physchiatric hotline

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5, and 6.
If you are obsessive compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the...

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What do you call a woman who obsesses over learning about sex?

An info-maniac.

An elderly couple is taking a Sunday drive on I-80

when the wife gets a call on her new-fangled cell-phone. Her daughter is frantic, "Mom, there is a lunatic driving the wrong way down the road on I-80 near your house!"

The wife turns to her husband and says, "Did you hear that? Some maniac is driving down the wrong side of the road!"
...

What do you call someone obsessed with procuring free pedicures?

A clip-toe-maniac

old man gets a call from his wife

wife: "stay off the highway. I'm watching the news and there's a maniac driving into oncoming traffic!"

old man: "it's worse than you think! I see hundreds of them!"

A man goes into a pharmacy

A man goes into a pharmacy and buys a pack of condoms. As soon as he pays, he immediately starts laughing like a maniac and runs out of the pharmacy. The next day, the same man comes in, buys condoms, and runs out laughing. On the third day, when the man did it again, the pharmacist, a curious type ...

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A man with stomach pains went to the doctor's office.

The doctor recommended that he would take five suppositories, one each evening. The man asked the doctor what a suppository was. The doctor explained that suppositories are like pills but they go into the ass instead. The doctor proceeded to show him how to take the suppositories by inserting a supp...

Joe and his tractors

So there's this guy named Joe. For years Joe loved tractors. He was obsessed with them. He had tractor posters, tractor calendars, tractor bedsheets, tractor wallpaper, tractor simulators. Anyways one day Joe is at the annual tractor convention in LA and he sees the brand new XJ54330 tractor. It's t...

You know, studies show that keeping a ladder inside the house is more dangerous than a loaded gun.

That's why I own ten guns. In case some maniac tries to sneak in a ladder!

^(Source: Gravity Falls. Can't find a good clip of the moment)

3 men die and go to heaven. (different joke)

They arrive at the gates of heaven. St. Peter says, "To determine whether you get to enter heaven or hell, you must state how you died.
The first man steps forward and says,"Well, I was on my balcony of my 32nd story apartment. I was leaning on the railing, and it snapped off. I fell down, and...

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An Average Day in Heaven

God realizes that Heaven is getting pretty crowded and needs a little time for it to settle down so he can add some additions. He tells St. Peter "Don't let anyone in unless their last day was **really** shitty"

Right after this happens, a man walks up and St. Peter asks him about his last da...

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Three married guys are bragging about how good they are in the sack

The first one goes: "First I rub my wife's whole body with massage oils for a good half hour then I lick her toes. She's usually pretty excited at that point. Then I come down on her for a long time until she begs for me to give her the d. I fuck her very slowly to build up her impatience and after ...

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Your last day on Earth is supposed to be your worst...

... And St. Peter decides who gets into Heaven based on how shitty their last day's been. Well, there's 3 guys and the first guy arrives at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter asks, "Why's your day been so terrible?"

And the guy replies, "Well, my wife's been actin funny for a few months now. She ...

The generals chauffeur was late...

and the general needed to be at a meeting on the other side of the base in ten minutes. The luckless private chauffeuring the jeep was going around corners on two wheels, running red lights and speeding like a maniac.

The general asks the private, "Son, do you know what the penalty is fo...

Stop me if you've heard this one before.

Jim was suspicious that his wife had been cheating on him. He took off from work early to see if he could catch her in the act. Driving up to his apartment Jim caught a glimpse through an open window of a strange man walking around in his dining room. Now convinced his wife has been unfaithful, J...

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