UPJOKE
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How do gangsters receive communications?

Gmail

Why did the gangster stand under the tree?

Because it was shady.


(credit goes to my 11-y-o for this 100% original joke.)

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Walking down the street I heard a gangster call me a pussy...

I turned to find him and his friend laughing. Feeling brave I simply replied, "You are what you eat. Explains why you're being such a dick while your buddy's giggling like an asshole."

The good news is that the nurse says I can go home in 4-6 more weeks...

Mom, someone called me gangster at school today.

Mom: Dont worry I'll go tomorrow and solve this problem

Son: Make sure it looks like an accident.

Gangsters are the kindest people.

They gather in a group and ask what your problem is

Is Jesus a Gangster?

Because he’s coming straight from the underground.

What's a gangster's least favorite food?

Snitchel.

'Everybody's a gangster until they get punched in the mouth.' - Mike Tyson

And after that, everybody's a gangthter.

What do you call a gangster who believes in double standards?

A hypocrip.

5 gangsters calmly walk into a bar.

Immediately, a Karen rushes up to them and starts yelling at them to get out.

"What are you doing!?" yells the bartender. "They haven't even been here for two minutes!"

"Well," the Karen retorts. "I've heard that 5G's are bad for the environment!"

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The Brit, the Frenchman, the Gangster and the Tribals

One day, a trio of adventurers are making their way through the Amazon. The group consists of a die-hard Brit, a die-hard Frenchman and a recent addition to the team, a gangster from downtown Chicago. Eventually, the party is caught by a group of tribals and put in a cage. The chief of the tribals a...

Where do Italian gangsters come from?

The spaghetto

What do you call gangsters from Minnesota?

Oh, jeez.

I heard about the gangster with a weak stomach

He was throwing up gang signs

Why did the gangster have to keep seeing the eye doctor?

Because he had glock-oma.

What do you call a gangster who kills his friend?

A murder rap.

Have you heard about the hobo gangster?

Word on the street is he's roofless.

Why don't they let gansters play Quidditch?

Cause gangsters always catch the snitch!

Never bother a gangster the night before he goes on holiday

He's probably packing

What do you call gangsters living in the woods?

Cottage G's.

A gangster in Soviet prison goes to the doctor. "Doctor, I'm feeling sick."

The doctor frowns and takes a good look at him. "Have you been drinking?"

"Yes, doctor..."

"Then come back tomorrow when you've sobered up."

The next day, the convict shows up at the doctor's again. "Doctor, I'm still not feeling well."

"Are you sober?"

"I haven't ...

Why do gangsters hold their guns sideways?

Because that's the way it came in the box.

gangster humor

Did you hear about the really stupid gangster who gave testimony against a mob boss?
They had to put him in the witless protection program...

What do you call a gangster who’s always on the hunt for a good deal?

Al Coupon

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What were the old-time gangster's last words?

"Who put this fucking violin in my violin case?!"

What did the Gangster say to the duck?

What’s up quacker?

What did the gangster say when a bunch of houses fell on him

"Get off me homes!"

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Russian Mafia boss Semion Mogilevich, Japanese Yakuza boss Kenichi Shinoda, American Gangster boss Al Capone and Mexican Cartel boss El Chapo Guzman are in a plane.

They have been on a flight for hours and are all bored.

Mogilevich says: "I'm bored, let's see which mafia has the biggest balls" he looks over at one of his henchman and says "Hey I order you to slit your throat." The henchman does exactly as he says and bleeds out in front of them.

M...

What do You call a place where gangsters chill?

What do You call a place where gangsters chill?

G-Spot

When a gangster put out a hit on Daffy Duck, what was their one condition?

Just send me the bill.

What do you call a gangster who wears eyeliner?

An emoji.

What would you call a Jewish, Reggae Artist, and a Gangster?

Jew-Mon-G

What do you get when you cross a gangster and a serial killer?

Murdered.

(If you don't get it: "cross" can mean "betray")

A Russian mobster goes to meet Italian mafia

As soon as Italians notice him, they scoff. "You're not real gangster."

"Why not?" the Russian asks.

"Do you own a 4 story mansion?"

"Well, no."

"How many limousines you own?"

"Limousines? None."

"And where is your solid gold necklace?"

"I, I do not ...

A gangster approaches someone that has information and draws a gun on him.

"Okay, here's how it works," the gangster said. "You have information, and I want that information. So when I ask a question, you answer truthfully, and you may walk out of here alive."

"Ok, shoot" the man at gunpoint said.

How can you tell if your farmer is a certified gangster?

His cornrows are always straight

What killed all the 1920's gangsters?

hepatitis see

What do gangster fish have at parties?

Hooks and blowfish

What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his exams?

"Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours,

but I never told them anything!"

What do you call it when a gangster accidentally kills a fellow gang member?

Homiecide

Where do French gangsters hang out?

The baghetto.

A Russian joke from the 90's making fun of "New Russians" (Basically gangsters who got rich quick and loved to showcase their wealth).

Hey Boris, I like your tie. How much was it?

Thank you. It is made of the finest silk, cost me $5000.

Ha! You are an idiot. I got mine at the shop around the corner for $7500!

Some people call me the space cowboy. Some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice...

Yes that's very nice sir, now can you show me your license please?

How does an old timey 1930s era gangster threaten a jelly fish?

"You're see, through!"

Why isn't the word gangster pronounced [Jang-ster]?

Because there ain't no such thing as a soft 'G.'

Five gangsters walk past a local diner

The owner runs out the door and up to them saying, "Excuse me, I've got a problem and you're the only ones who can solve it!"

The gangsters look at each other confused and ask, "What, why us man?"

"I'll explain later, just come with me!" The owner replies. The curious gangsters follow ...

Where do gambling gangsters go after they die?

To the Gangster's-Pair-a-Dice.

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Three gangsters in a fancy restaurant...

Three gangsters, Vito, Carlo, and Nick are sitting around a table in a fancy restaurant. They’ve just finished their meal and have ordered some brandy. While they’re waiting for the brandy Vito pulls out a cigar and a $50 bill. He sticks of the bill into the flame of the candle in the centre of the ...

A guy comes up to an Italian

and says, "you are a southerner. You are in the mafia"

So the Italian told him, "No, look. Not all southerners are gangsters."

But the guy kept insisting, he said, "No, no. You are a southerner. You are in the mafia"

The Italian tried to reason with him by telling him that they ...

Why did the 1920's gangster get scurvy?

NYAH, 'CAUSE HE DIDN'T TAKE HIS VITAMIN, SEE!

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How do Japanese Gangsters say Hello??

WASABI


(What's up B!)

My daughter brought her new boyfriend home to meet us.

He seemed a bit of a gangster at first but then I realised he was in fact just deaf.

I am not a pimpstagram

Said the gangster to his grandma

It was so cold outside...

I saw a gangster pulling up their trousers

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After a date at the bars, a girl invites her date home...

Once home, she decides to try to lighten the mood and send some signals.

She also remembers him mentioning that he likes jokes so she asks, "How is a warm cabin, a short gangster and a horny girl the same yet different?"

*Her date shrugs*

"One's a little homey, the other's a l...

I want to write a neo noir gangster film featuring Tom Waits just so I can use this line :

"Tom waits. I don't."

*shoots the guy*

A man's son is about to return from prison.

A man's son is about to return from prison. After spending five years in the clink, the man was very curious to know what his son plans to do further in life and what profession he's going to choose for his future. He decides to test his son. He sets a bottle of alcohol, a wad of money, a gun and a ...

What does a gangster on an island say when they see a non-electric car?

Madagascar

What do you call an Irish gangster that all living systems strive for? (X /r/ScienceJokes)

Homie O'Stasis.

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Back in the day, Chicago was run by the Irish mob

Now, before the Italian mob took over- I'm sure you all know Al Capone, Frank Nitti, Lucky Luciano, and the like- Prohibition era Chicago was run by the Irish mob.

The Irish gangs owned Chicago outright for a solid 18 months after Prohibition went into effect, before police raids, pressure fr...

A Russian woman is standing in line for the supermarket

Behind her, another woman is sobbing loudly.

The first woman turns around and asks her ‘My dear, what is wrong? Why do you cry so much?’

The second woman, in between sobs, answers ‘It is my husband. He died last week.’

The first woman places a friendly arm around the crying woma...

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Mafia joke

A mafia gangster takes a translator to visit the shop of a man, whose brother has just died. He had taken money from the gangster and hid it away somewhere - and the gangster assumed he had told his only living relative, his brother. But the brother only spoke Italian, you see, which is why a transl...

Let me tell you a little story about a criminal.

So in Thailand there was a gangster named "Mr. Phoon.", and one day he was passing through a small village that was home to a man he had had "taken care of", when the man had tried to interfere with the flow of Mr. Phoon's drugs into the town.

Now it was a stormy day, and some of the famil...

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A local man wins the lottery.

After he’s cashed in his winnings he’s overwhelmed with joy, gratitude, and serenity. He wants to give back to his community and he thinks that everyone should get in on the feels. He decides to throw a grand party at his new mansion where anyone in town can come to eat and drink for free as long as...

Unique sport tool

Gangsters come into sport shop and says:Hey Fred we need to beat some guys up! Fred:Hmmm this baseball bat should be good. Its have a signature of Babe Ruth! Hey Fred its real signature of Babe Ruth? Fred:No but if you beat that guys hard they will not ask about this.

I decided at a young age that I would get buried in the same way as my father

Unfortunately gangsters buried him alive

Side note,could someone please send help

A man walks into a bar

And sees two gangsters chating, one of them lifts his shirt, showing a horrible scar in his chest and says "Kansas city", the other does the same, lifts his shirt and shows a big scar in his back and says "Boston city". The man approaches them, lifts his shirt and shows a scar in the right side of h...

Money or Life

A gangster held a pistol to a blonde's forehead and asked, 'Give me a million dollars or your life?'

She answered calmly, 'I'd prefer to die as I want to keep a million dollars for my old age.'

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An arab man goes to the U.S (translated from Arabic)

He only knew two english words, yes and no. After arriving to the state, and while wondering around the city, a gangster found him. They asked him if he wants to get beaten up. Naturally he answered “yes” and they beat the shit out of him. After they were done, they asked if he had enough. He gave i...

Don and his son

Big time gangster Don Vito Corleone picked up his son Santino after his annual exams. 'How was it?' he asked.

'They questioned me for three hours, papa. But I told them nothing.'

A Hippo wants to join the local hippo gang

While speaking with the gang leader he's told in order to join the gang he must have respect for his brothers and impeccable manners.
He nods his head and let's the leader know he was raised in a noble, high class family. These things came easy to him.

The hippo struts out of the leaders r...

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Franz was reading his book on death row...

It was the ‘storm of the century’. On death row, Franz was reading his religious texts, looking for God, even as the inmates of the neighbouring cells were having an explosive argument about who should get to shower first. ’14 days to execution’, Franz thought, as he physically and mentally trembled...

I recently inherited an antique set of loaded dice from my grandfather. They used to belong to Al Capone himself.

In other words, we've been spending most our lives living with a gangster's pair of dice.

So my grandpas doc came into the room yesterday and he says to me he says

“Can you sing a song for me” and I say “sure doc” and so I sing my absolute favorite Billie Eilish song and he goes, “you’re just like your grandpas heart rate,” breaks into tears and goes, “A little flat” (read in your best gangster voice)

Stedman, the repo guy

Once there was a man named John. He had recently got a new job in which he was working for a gangster, repossessing vehicles for him. He was working with many other repossession guys as well.

The best out of all of them was Stedman. He was known better as Sted. He had been working with the ga...

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Some historic anti-Nazi jokes from Germany

Hey there. I thought, I'll take the time and translate you some of the so-called "Flüsterwitze"(whisper jokes) from nazi Germany.

* The old code of law seems to complicated, so it has to be changed. From now on, there are only three laws: 1. If you do something, or fail to do something, you ...

The Spice Mafia

It is a little known fact that some people want spices that they cannot obtain legally. Be it decades-old oregano, salt from the Last Supper, or the flesh of Sean Spicer, some people love strange and unusual spices. However, in order to obtain these spices, they only have one place to turn: the Spic...

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