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Simple Math (Read out loud for best effect)

Teacher: A guy plants 3 saplings and they all grow up. How many trees are there?

Student: Easy, 3.

Teacher: No, Tree plus Tree plus Tree equals 9.

Student: Wha-

Teacher: Now a truck drives by and splats mud on all the trees. How many trees now?

Student: 9?

T...

A blind man walks into the restaurant..

The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dis...

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A male stripper goes into a restaurant. He sees a beautiful young nun and decides he wants to do the dirty on her.

So he decides to propose to her directly.
"Ey girl how you doin? What do you think about leaving that chastity aside and come with me for a good time?"
The nun angrily answers, "I am a woman of no man, only God! To hell with you, sinner!"
The man goes to a table, defeated, but then his wait...

What did the mathematician say to the dirty negative numbers?

I'll stop at nothing to avoid you!

This compressed file contains a dirty joke.

Sigh *unzips*

Dirty jokes time.Don't click if you are easily offended.

I asked my uncle how I could tell if a girl was into me?
He told me, Oh that's easy, when you have your hand down her pants...if it feels like your feeding a horse...she likes you.

Your dirty minded

Him: Ok, I’m going to pull it out now.

Her: This is scary because it’s my first time.

He slowly starts to pull it out.

Her: *Screams*

Then the dentist yanks it out and says: Congratulations! You just got your first tooth pulled out!

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What’s the difference between a lobster with big boobs and a dirty bus station?

One’s a crusty bus station and the other’s a busty crustacean.

Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"

Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."

What did Jesus do when he found his floors were dirty?

Jesus swept

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If a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment.

When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.50 a minute.

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Two Drunks. (warning: dirty)

Two drunks were standing around on the street talking. The first one says ,"Goddamn, Ernie I need a drink! I got fifty cents. How much you got?" Guy reaches in his pocket and pulls out 35 cents. "Damn, we can't get no drinks for 85 cents!" The first drunk thinks a minute and says "I got an idea. Let...

Dirty thinking

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "N...

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Met a homeless man with a sign that said "One Dollar for a Dirty Joke"

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.


Homeless man: "All right sir, what's your name?"
Me: "John."


Homeless man: "So John, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have?"
Me: "Two?"


Homeless man: ...

Dirty sister

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey has grow...

How do you call a gym thats dirty

A gymnastium

So, a while ago, I was talking to a old piece of wood. I told him a dirty joke...

He was petrified

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What is it when men talk dirty to women ?

What is it when men talk dirty to women ?
: Sexual Harrassment

What is it when women talk dirty to men ?
: 3.99$ / minute

[Dirty] Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor

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Dirty Old Man Joke #536

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed fi...

Do you want to hear a dirty joke?

A horse fell in the mud.

Do you want to hear a clean joke?

A horse took a bath with bubbles.

Do you want to hear another dirty joke?

Bubbles was another horse.

I didn’t understand why everyone gave me a dirty look when I called the two girls hipsters...

Apparently the proper term is “conjoined twins”

Did you hear about the cleaning wipe that turned out to be a dirty liar?

It was a lie-sol

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Funny and long (semi-dirty)

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is t...

What goes down longer than a dirty street hooker?

Reddit's servers.

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This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same...

Today my 10 year old daughter referred to the pile of dirty laundry that my wife is doing as.

Mount Wash More.

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Dirty dead baby jokes?

My dad told me some pretty bad ones, so I guess let's collectively get them out there

Q: What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Cadillac?

A: I don't have a Cadillac in my garage.

Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and my girlfriend?

A: I don'...

What is white when it's dirty and black when it's clean?

A chalkboard.

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When you become a professional in a field yet you're a dirty fecker.

*Doctor*: "Please take off your clothes."

*Dentist*: "Now open wide and hold still "

*Veterinarian*: "How's your pretty pussy.?"

*Gardener*: "Want me to fertilize your bush?"

*Lawyer*: "Let's go over section 69."

*Banker*: "If you withdraw too early you lose intere...

A girl says to her roommate, "Dirty dishes are like boyfriends."

"How so?" asked the roommate.

"I shouldn't have to do yours."

What do you get when you inject soda from a dirty needle?

Pep C

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The dirty professor

The old professor started each lecture with a dirty joke. After a real objectionable example of that one day, the female students got together and decided that next time, when this happens again, they will all walk out in unison.

The professor got wind of this plot. Next morning, after he ent...

If you get turned on by dirty talk...

Does that mean your genitals are voice activated?

Dirty hands are a sign of clean money....

Unless you’re a grave robber

Random dirty joke

Girl 1: Hey, that’s a nice bike. When you get her?

Girl 2: Her? Did you just assume my bike’s gender?

Girl 1: Well I find it hard to believe any guy lets you ride them willingly.

I asked Sister Claire why she insists on wearing a dirty hat to church.

She said it’s just a nasty habit.

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What do you get when you have sex with a dirty sailor?

Dishonorable discharge

Dirty cop, dirty wife.

A policeman comes home from work early and finds his wife naked and a pair of boots his never seen before at the door. He starts running around the house. He opens the bathroom door, looks inside and says:"No one here, so where is he?".

He goes to the kitchen, checks under the table and says:...

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Whenever I talk dirty to somebody over the phone, they disconnect

I guess you could say I have a lot of sexual hangups.

After watching Star Wars with my son for the first time today, he looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, why was R2D2 so dirty?"

Puzzled, I asked him what he meant.

He replied, "Well, they had to bleep out every word he said!"

What do you call a dirty Halloween film?

Things that go Hump in the Night.

What’s a dirty dishes’ favorite band?

N’sync

Just last week I saw a friend of mine and his wife at the local restaurant. He is 47 and his wife is 19. Other diners were making rude comments about them, giving them dirty looks.

It totally ruined their 7th wedding anniversary dinner.

4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

Man, I hate babies.

Original joke that actually happened in real life. Slightly dirty.

My wife is planning a day of debauchery for a friend, otherwise known as a bachlorette party. A pole dancing class is going to be part of the festivities and the warning on the website is "Classes are not suitable for pregnant women who have never poled before." My response to this being read aloud ...

What do you call a paycheck from a dirty job?

A Mike Rowe transaction.

A Dirty Joke from the 14th Century

The joke comes to us from Jean de Conde of Hainaut, born 1275:

A game of truth-telling is being played at court by a Queen and her retinue. A knight is asked by the Queen if he has fathered any children; he is forced to admit that he has not.

The Queen nods in assent, saying "you do n...

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which organ of the human body expands to 10 times

Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"


Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands...

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An Irishman walks into a job interview.

A Irishman wants a job, but the boss won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the boss said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the man says, "Dats easy."

[And proceeds to draw three trees.](https://qph.i...

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A dirty joke about a horse

Ok, so a man comes into a bar...

Shit, fucked it up, it was supposed to be a horse. Let me try again.

So a man comes into a horse...

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A bunch of thieves broke into my house and stole everything except my soap, shower gel, towels, toothbrush and deodorant.

Dirty bastards

I saw the best Halloween costume. The guy had dirty clothes, dried blood- the works.

“Zombie?” I guessed.
“No. Art major.”

Dirty river

 

God told Adam that he and Eve could do pretty much anything they want as long as Eve doesn’t go swimming during “that time of the month”.

 

God comes back a few days later only to discover that Eve has done that very thing.

 

God: Adam,...

What's your favorite not a dirty joke that you can tell your parents?

Mine (I think I read this one here on Reddit but I'm not sure):

A guy goes to the circus. After the show, he speaks to the manager and asks for a job.

Manager: "Alright, what can you do?"

Guy: "I can do great bird impressions"

Manager: "That's nothing impressive, a lot of...

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