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My girlfriend surprised me tonight: she dressed up sexy like a police woman, handcuffed me to the bed and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

2 minutes later I was released due to lack of evidence.

RoboCop: you are under arrest!

"before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them?"

**RoboCop:** I’m going to let you off with a warning

The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.

When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983..

Why cant zombies be arrested?

Because you'll never take them alive!

Why did the police officer arrest the chef?

For beating the eggs and whipping the cream.

Cop: I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia

Man: Wait I can explain everything

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long.

My neighbourhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been a customer for 6 years.

I never knew he was a barber.

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A husband and wife were arrested...

A husband and wife were arrested...

Attorney: Your honor, these two were arrested for having sex in public and there was a dolphin involved.

The Judge: What do you two have to say for yourself?

Husband: Your honor, we are sorry. It was an accident.

Wife: Yes, i...

Why can't Lincoln be arrested?

He's in a cent.

A man took a dark photograph and was arrested

He was charged with indecent exposure

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are arrested and sentenced to death by firing squad, one by one.

While they wait to be executed they come up with a plan.

Right before they’re about to be shot, each one will yell that some natural disaster or emergency is happening to distract the soldiers. During the distraction, they would be able to escape.

The brunette is first. As she hears ...

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[NSFW] A New Male Server in Texas was Arrested for Unsolicited Sex. His reasoning?

“Well, I asked her what I could get her and she said, Mountain Dew Me, and so I did her right there.”

Police Officer: You are under arrest.

Me: For what?

Police Officer: For going 68 miles per hour.

Me: Fine but can you make the number a little cooler?

Police Officer: Sure.

The Judge: Sir, how did you go -68 miles per hour?

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I was arrested for having pictures of my cat's butthole on my phone.

They charged me with posession of kitty porn.

My neighbour just got arrested for growing weed

I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was

A forger was arrested and thrown in jail for making counterfeit money

Later, a reporter visited his cell for an interview and asked him “Why did you make counterfeit money?”

The forger thought for a while before he replied, saying “Because making real money is impossible.”

I got arrested for illegal fishing, even though there weren't any 'no fishing' signs.

Apparently if it's an aquarium in a hotel lobby, you don't need a sign.

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Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time.
I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use.
I'll see you back in court Monday.

"On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you ...

I got arrested for asking around for advice on money laundering

I don’t get it.

During this COVID-19 pandemic, I thought the least I could do to stay safe was to disinfect my money.

I got arrested by the police

This is so ridiculous, i just wanted to help someone who forgot a pack of flour

So the other day I was arrested for pretending I was an American politician!

I was just sitting there doing nothing

A Man arrives at his small business first thing on Monday morning. He is met by the local Sheriff and his deputies, armed with a warrant for his arrest and a full search and Seizure of his business and assets.

After he is placed in handcuff and read his rights, a Slim mild mannered man in a suit approaches him and identifies himself as an IRS agent.

IRS Agent: “Are you Mr Jones who resides at 188 Boardwalk Rd?”

Mr Jones: “Yes I am”

IRS Agent: “Do you own and run ‘Jones: Fun house...

Two women in Florida were arrested this week after posing as old ladies in order to get a Covid vaccine

Two kids in a trench coat got away with with the same idea, but only one got vaccinated.

What did the QANON shaman's mom say to him when he got arrested?

Bison

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A Bishop has been arrested for failing to stop sexual abuse happening directly in front of him. He claimed he was powerless to stop it

because he could only move diagonally.

You are under arrest

Police: You are under arrest!
Me: Why?
Police: Because you transport 6 people at once on a single motorcycle.
Me: Did you say six?
Police: that is correct, six!
Me: Damn it, we have lost Chantal.

Why was the elephant arrested?

It forgot it's swim trunks.

The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.

I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.

A local dentist was arrested recently for dealing drugs, came as a huge surprise for me ...

I’d been going to him for 6 years and never knew he was a dentist

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My friend was arrested for beating an unarmed black man to death

He was charged with impersonating a police officer.

"Did you hear about the guy who was arrested for destroying evidence?"

"Yeah, apparently the case was dismissed due to lack of evidence."

Adam Johnson, the man seen carrying House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s lecture during the siege has been arrested.

His lawyer said that at the trial he won’t be taking the stand.

What's the name of that painting in the louvre that you get arrested for touching?

I can't quite put my finger on it.

I got arrested at the airport.

Apparently security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.

Where do criminals go when they're arrested for possession of 32 ounces?

The quart room

I got arrested for touching the Mona Lisa at the Louvre museum

I was framed

What did the police do when Johnny Cash got arrested?

They made him walk the line.

Did you hear about the duck that got arrested?

He was caught smoking quack

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I got arrested for soliciting a prostitute

I just thought Herbalife would be a great business opportunity for her

Police arrested the Energizer Bunny today,

Police say he was charged with battery.

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I met two guys wearing matching clothing. So I asked them if they were gay.

They promptly arrested me.

Why did the police arrest the crow?

They had probable caws.

I heard a double amputee got arrested on weapons charges

They must've gotten the wrong guy, he's definitely unarmed

Why did the police arrest the squirrels in the park?

- For busting a nut in public view

A man is arrested late at night for drinking coffee...

He was charged for resisting a rest.

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Monkeys arrested

I just read about a zoo in Florida, where 3 monkies were arrested for lighting their feces on fire, and flinging them at zoo workers.

A few of the workers were sent to the hospital for turd degree burns.

Why did the ghost get arrested?

For possession

What were the crows arrested for?

Murder

My dog was arrested today!

He had unpaid barking tickets.

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A man is being arrested by a woman police officer, she says to him, "Anything that you say can and will be held against you."

The man then replies, "Boobs please!"

An English athlete, a French athlete and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium at the 1976 Summer Olympics chatting before the medal ceremony.

“Don't get me wrong" says the Englishman, "winning a medal is very nice, but I still feel the greatest pleasure in life is getting home after a long day, putting one's feet up and having a nice cup of tea".

"You Englishman" snorts the Frenchman, "you have no sense of romance. The greatest ple...

no Idea why they arrested me...

I just read the sign and complied...

it said:

NO campaign materials or **clothing** allowed in polling place.

My wife had asked me to stop using police related puns..

I guess I’ll give them “ arrest”.

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Why did peewee Herman fire his lawyer when he got arrested for masturbating in a public theater?

He figured he could get himself off.

Police arrested two kids yesterday

one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other off.

I saw two ducks getting arrested. I asked the police officer why were they arresting them?

He told me that they were selling quack

A North Korean man was arrested and given 15 years for calling Kim Jong Un a fathead

1 year for insulting the Supreme Leader and 14 for revealing a state secret

Why were you arrested?

- Why were you arrested?
- Bribery
- How come you were released so soon?
- What would you guess...

The other day I punched a white dude and got arrested for assault,

Today I punched a black guy and got arrested for impersonating a police officer.

an extrovert, an alcoholic and a karen were reluctant to take the covid vaccine

an extrovert, an alcoholic and a karen were reluctant to take the covid vaccine. the doctor tries to persuade them

the extrovert denies

" you won't be able to go to public gatherings anymore"

the extrovert agrees to take it



the alcoholic denies

"you will ha...

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Why did the dyslexic employee at the concession stand at the movie theatre get arrested?

For bootlegging copporn !!!

One day Pablo Picasso returned to his workshop and saw a thief running out...

When the gendarmerie came to investigate, Picasso told them that he could draw a picture of the man. Armed with his drawing, the gendarmes quickly arrested a three-legged dog, a letter box, and the Eiffel Tower.

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I moved into a neighborhood down near a movie theater once

It was pretty nice. Everyone was friendly and it wasn’t even that expensive. I thought I could probably live there for a little while untill I got a knock on the door from a neighbor shortly after I moved in.

He heard that I was new, and wanted to let me know something about my next door neig...

A Florida man was arrested for stealing a truck filled with $76,000 worth of Campbell's soup.

I, for one, hope this guy goes away for 'Mmm, mmm, good!'

Three people get arrested and are taken into holding...

Three people get arrested and are taken into holding for questioning.

The officer talks to the first girl asking, "What's your name?" She says, "Yo." The officer asks, "What are you in for?" She responds, "Blowing bubbles." The officer takes her picture and lets her go.

The officer ask...

A police officer arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states

Solid, liquid and gas

A driver was arrested after a deadly accident...

Policeman: How could you kill 49 people? What the Hell is wrong with you?

Driver: I was driving at 80 km/h when I saw two men crossing the Road. On the road side, there was a wedding party. I wanted to apply the Breaks, but then I realised they were not working. So, I had to take a decision; ...

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I saw two men walking down the street together wearing the same clothing, so I asked them if they were gay.

They did not hesitate to arrest me after I said that

A man was arrested for firing a gun into a kitchen.

First he took a potshot then he got a mugshot.

Hairdresser Arrested

A hairdresser was arrested near the quarry today, she was grooming miners

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A lawyer wins his first truly huge case with a multi-million dollar payoff.

He's flying high. He drives to the office the next Monday in shiny new threads with all of the most expensive trimming, driving the most expensive imported Bentley he can find. Everyone at the office needs to see this, he thinks, so he gets there super early to park right in front of the building,...

Why was the Pepsi employee arrested

For selling coke

A man named Tenison March was filmed exiting the bureau of births, deaths and marriages.

Footage shows that seconds later, another man named “Samsung Galaxy-9 Jr” (formerly Allen Frank) was seen throwing wild punches at March.

March, an ex-Green Beret, was able to fend off the attack until police arrived on the scene to make an arrest.

Galaxy-9 has been charged with batter...

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A letter from an Irish mother

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well.

You won't recognise the house when you get home - we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 2...

Laws of physics vs the law

Heisenberg, Shrodinger and Ohm were driving down a highway when they get pulled over by a cop. The cop asks Heisenberg if he knew how fast he was going, as you can surmise, he claimed he didn't know because he knew exactly where they were. The cop, finding this suspicious asks them to open the t...

Officer: You're under arrest for using counterfeit bank notes

Me: *Slides a crisp £17 bill* How about now eh?

A man was arrested for having 5 pounds of cocaine stashed in boxes of Lucky Charms.

The police found the whole ordeal as "magically suspicious".

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Did you hear about the prostitute that got arrested for having sex with Pennywise?

Me neither, but I heard she had it coming.

A woman is arrested for killing her guitar player husband

She is accused of bashing her husband's head in with his guitars because he never paid any attention to her.

In her first court appearance, the judge looks at the woman and asks: “First offender?"

The woman replies: “No. First it was a Gretsch, followed by a Gibson, and then a Fender."

The lead singer of The Eagles has been arrested by Customs.

Apparently he was trying to smuggle exotic animals parts into the country.


It turns out that you can't hide those lion eyes.

A man is arrested for theft and put into jail. Then, he says to his lawyer:

\-Listen, if I get more than a year, I will kill you, understand?

\-I understand.

The lawyer goes to the courtroom.

The lawyer goes out of the courtroom, and goes to his client.

\-Did you get me one year?

\-Yes, the judge almost gave you two days, but I managed to ...

A police officer was dispatched to the house of an elderly couple when the neighbors heard gunshots

Shortly after arriving the officer called into the station to update the sergeant
Officer: "well sergeant, the old woman shot her husband because he walked through the kitchen while she was mopping the floor."
Sergeant: "did you arrest her?"
Officer: "no sir"
Sergeant: "why not?"
Offi...

BREAKING NEWS: Man arrested due to possessing a stolen calendar

He got twelve months

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Why did the prostitute got arrested?

She blew the breathalyzer and asked for $20

Why did the cop arrest the sick bird?

He was ill-eagle.

Kevin went to Canada for cheaper insulin.

Kevin got arrested for smuggling drugs.

Did you hear about the Toronto baseball player who was arrested for illegally crossing the street?

Jaywalking

Police just arrested a local artist down the street.

*In the interview with them, they said he looked a little sketchy.*

In 2019, school was prison.

Now it’s house arrest.

Why did the music conductor get arrested?

For misconduct.

Bonus - why did the violinist get arrested?

For violence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend dressed up as a police officer, handcuffed me to the bed, and told me I was under arrest for being good in bed.

Then she shot me seven times in the chest.

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A man is walking in Russia

when he shouts "I hate that stupid leader with his stupid mustache!"

A soldier, on hearing that, arrests the man and takes him straight to Stalin.

The soldier told Stalin what he heard and so Stalin asks the man what he meant when he said that.

The man replies "I was talking ab...

I was arrested for battery

But my lawyer said I won’t have that charge for long.

America truly is the land of the free.

Said my brother, who was arrested for nothing

Hear about the blonde arrested at the track and field meet?

He was caught smoking a joint at the high jump.

A crow was arrested today under suspicion of being involved in a murder

The judge threw the case out. He said he had just caws.

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A cop waits for a bar to close and watches for drunks to drive off...

The first man out the door stumbles, wanders around looking for his car, then drops the keys under his car and starts crawling around looking for them. The cop, knowing if he waits until the guy finds his keys and pulls out he'll have a DUI arrest, sits and watches him for a while. Eventually the ma...

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I got arrested for masturbating in public and declined a public defender.

I don’t think I’ll have a problem getting myself off.

Tragedy in the Finger Kingdom occurred today.

Most of the Royal Family was murdered. The King, the Queen, and both of their daughters were killed during a Royal Feast.

Investigators were able to find and arrest the culprit quickly. Apparently, he didn't get rid of the Finger Prince.

A heart was caught stealing a Honda

I guess you could say he was under cardiac arrest

Judge to carpenter: "You were arrested during a drugs bust in a gambling den. What were you doing there?"

"Making a bolt for the door, your honour."

A chauffeur goes to pick up the Pope from the airport.

On arrival at the Vatican airport, the chauffeur picks up the Pope as he always does, but this time the Pope refused to step inside the car. He asks the Pope, "Why won't you get in?" to which the Pope responds, "Let me drive back to the Vatican! I'm from Argentina, we love to drive!" The chauffeur t...

Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?

As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

A hooker got arrested by the IRS after some grammatical mistakes made them take a second look at her deductions.

She got done in by a sin tax error.

Did you hear about the man who was arrested for stalking a baby?

Apparently his doctor told him he needed to watch what he eats.

Why was the frog arrested?

Because it Kermitted a crime.

Why did the cops arrest the two crows before more could arrive?

Attempted murder.

There was probable caws.

Arrested

Went into a store the other day and got caught stabbing boxes in the breakfast food aisle . The charge? Cereal killer.

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I got arrested for molestation for no fault of mine

I was in the elevator when this gorgeous woman walked in wearing a low cut blouse exposing her perfectly sized breasts.

When she caught me checking on them , she angrily said

" Stop staring and press one quickly".

And I did exactly what she said

Did you hear about the guy arrested for having a law fetish?

He got off on a technicality.

Fun fact: there is a bank you can go to get gold without being arrested.

It’s called Reddit.

Why did the police officer arrest the artist as a murder suspect?

He was a sketchy dude.

A man is arrested after nearly being hit by a taxi

He was charged with tax-evasion

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A guy goes to jail and is talking on the phone to his friend.

Inmate : "So what's your plan to bust me out of this Hell hole?"

Friend : "Ok. Here it is: I'm going to swallow a bunch of rope then do something stupid to get arrested."

Inmate : "I'm listening..."

Friend: "Once I get in there, I'll go to the bathroom, poop out the rope and sne...

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Why was the head of MGM pissed at Walt Disney when the head of MGM was arrested?

You'd think he'd know to warn a brother.

Usain Bolt can reach speeds up to 30 miles per hour. So in certain suburban neighborhoods, he might get arrested.

For being black.

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Got arrested for having a wank in the train, and finished the job while in custody..

I got off at the wrong station

She dimmed the lights. She leaned in. She looked straight into my eyes.

I kissed her.




And now I am arrested by the police for misbehaving with the optician.

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