A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle, and is arrested for violating the Endangered Species Act. He pleads guilty, and throws himself on the mercy of the court.

"Your Honor," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again."

"You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. How...

I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia.

I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia.

I told them I could explain everything.

What do parents say when the find out their son got arrested for setting a building on fire

“That’s arson!”

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My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

After a quick trial, I was released due to a lack of evidence.

A Russian spy infiltrated in America is arrested

A Russian spy under the alias of “Joe Smith” is arrested by American officials. He is put in an interrogation room and confronted by an official, Agent Perry.

Smith: “I don’t understand, why am I being interrogated?”

Perry: “Drop the act, Smith, if that even is your real name. We know ...

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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

A man was arrested. . .

In the interrogation room he tells the cops, “I’m not saying a thing without my lawyer present!”

”Sir, you are a lawyer.”

”Exactly, where’s my present?”

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There was a guy whose sexual fetish was being harshly sentenced in court, so he committed a crime and was arrested and went to court.

The Judge let him go with no charges, said he's not getting off that easy.

Why was the alcoholic mathematician arrested by the police?

Drinking and deriving

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I almost got arrested on my way to a Pistons game

I recently moved to Michigan because of my new job. It was a step up from my previous dead-end one and of course, more pay meant more work which is why I try to enjoy the little free time that I have.

Being a huge NBA fan, I decided to catch a Pistons game at the Little Caesar's Arena. Howev...

Did you hear about the cell phone that got arrested?

It was charged with battery.

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Did you hear about the mime who was arrested for masturbating in public?

The police thought he'd put up a fight, but he came quietly.

Arguing with a woman is like being arrested…

Everything you say can and will be used against you.

What is a pdf file

And why is my uncle under arrest for being one

My dad was arrested for persistently stealing the equipment of beach lifeguards...

I blame myself that I didn't see it sooner; after all, the last time I'd gone to see him there were plenty of red flags...

What is house arrest for grown-ups?

"Your package will be delivered tomorrow between 9AM and 5PM."

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Monkey arrested for throwing lit feces a zoo employees

3 were hospitalized with turd debris burns

Did you hear about the train engineer from Mexico that was arrested for terrorism?

Authorities say he had loco motives.

World tounge-twisting champion was just arrested.

It is expected that he will be given a really tough sentence.

UK police today arrested a man for shooting a starting pistol at someone.

They are treating the offence as race related.

Why was the duck arrested

He smoked quack

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Woman talking to a police officer.

Woman: Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?

Police Officer: "Yes"

Woman: Can you arrest me for thinking something.?

Police Officer: "No"

Woman: I think you're a cunt.

Police arrested a time traveler from 2018

He still can't believe that he was arrested for **not** wearing a mask in a bank.

Why didn’t the police arrest the amputee?

He was unarmed.

So this guy is getting arrested and the officer tells him he doesn’t have to speak without his lawyer present.

When in jail, he consults his lawyer and asks...

Where the heck is my present?

Why did the police officer arrest the disco dancer?

Because he was killing the dance floor.

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A German pensioner has been given a 250 thousand euro fine after being arrested for having a world war two tank in his basement.

Locals said he had previously used the tank as a snowplough, until one cold winter where it broke down on the Eastern Front Lawn.

I plugged my phone into a power bank and now it has an arrest record...

it was charged with battery

Why did the police man arrest the duck.

Because he was selling quack.

The person who caused the Tour de France crash should be arrested and charged with genocide.

She tried to take out an entire race.

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Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time.
I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use.
I'll see you back in court Monday.

"On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you ...

Why did the cameraman using a fast shutter speed get arrested?

He got done for indecent exposure.

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Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from you...

Why did Lt. Commander Data get arrested?

Because he was being charged with a battery.

A man got arrested for having drugs in his pocket.

"Officer," he said, "I can explain."

-How? -the officer replied.

"Every time I throw those drugs in the toilet, they magicaly reappear in my pocket."

-Don't lie to me. -says the officer.

"Let me show you then."

So the officer allows him to show it. A man takes out ...

An old woman tells her husband that if he walks across the kitchen floor after she mops again she's going to kill him.

The next time she mops the kitchen floor he does it again. He gets the kitchen floor dirty and tracks water into the living room. She does as promised. Without saying a word she goes to their bedroom, gets his pistol out of the closet, and shoots him dead in his recliner.

Then she calls 911 ...

RoboCop: you are under arrest!

"before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them?"

**RoboCop:** I’m going to let you off with a warning

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Why was Darth Vader arrested for sexual assault?

He kept forcing himself on people.

A russian man was arrested...

A man in russia was arrested and sentenced to 25yrs in gulag.

He was sentenced 5yrs for saying gorbachev was an idiot, and a 20yr sentence for revealing state secrets.

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With the arrest for child pornography yesterday, at least Josh Duggar will be remembered for 19 kids and counting...

For the tv show he made in the past, and coincidentally the number of videos found so far on his hard drive.

My neighbour just got arrested for growing weed

I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was

Mick Jagger and Keith Richards were arrested for allegedly breaking into a Spanish man's house

They reportedly took some of his belongings (only what they could carry). When the police asked the homeowner about it, he said "They took what they could, but then.... The Rolling Stones gathered no más."

A school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport

A school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, an ancient wooden device called a "slide-rule"  as well as a code device called an "abacus" that he claimed was a calculator....

You are under arrest

Police: You are under arrest!
Me: Why?
Police: Because you transport 6 people at once on a single motorcycle.
Me: Did you say six?
Police: that is correct, six!
Me: Damn it, we have lost Chantal.

Why was the document arrested?

Because he was a PDF-file

A man arrives at a hotel after a long train journey, exhausted. He comes into a communal room and sees three other guys who are drunk and talking loudly.

They are cracking anti-government jokes and laughing at Khrushchev. The man is annoyed that he can't sleep so he hatches a plan. He walks out into a corridor and asks a staff member to bring him a cup of tea. He then comes back into the room and starts talking to the noisy fellows:

"Comrades,...

Did you hear about the crow who got arrested for trying to start a social club?

He was charged with attempted murder... I'll see myself out

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Two Communist leaders - one happy, one sad - met in a hallway

"Boris, why the long face?", the happy one asked. "Cheer up!"

"Easy for you to say, Andrei", the sad one replied. "I've just been given an order from the very top. I'm supposed to figure out which of the Party members are secretly Christians and arrest them. But how am I supposed to do that?"...

A martial arts expert is arrested for murder.

When the case is taken to court, he is asked by the judge why he doesn't have a lawyer with him.

'I don't need a lawyer', the martial arts expert replies.

'Why not? It could really help your case if you have a defense lawyer' the judge says.

'No, thank you', the martial arts exp...

My neighbor who was a first grade teacher just got arrested for prostitution

I’ve know her for ten years

I never knew she was a teacher

You shoot a sick bird, but get arrested. Why?

Because it was an ill eagle shooting.

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Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a car...

Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a

car...



... And they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.

The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heise...

Why was the picture arrested..??

Because it was framed

A guy is out hunting and sees a hawk flying high above him, so he shoots it. As he's retrieving the dead bird a game warden happens by and arrests him for killing a federally protected bird of prey.

At the courtroom, the man tells the judge he's been out of work for many months and only shot the hawk because he hadn't eaten in days. The judge decides to let him off with 6 months probation.

As the guy is leaving the judge says, "hey, what does hawk taste like anyway?"

The guy say...

Dr. Dre was arrested at a grocery store today.

He dropped too many beets.

A crow was arrested during lockdown for trying to organise a get together with many other fellow crows.

The police said he was arrested for attempted murder.

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The police almost arrested a man for wanking to a caution sign

But he got off with a warning

Why did the police officer arrest the chef?

For beating the eggs and whipping the cream.

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

Why was Judge Dredd arrested?

He broke his arm.

The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.

When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983..

Just after WWII begins the commander of one of African garrisons recieves a telegram:

''The war is declared, immidiately find and arrest all enemies in your area.''

After some time he sends a performance report:

''The order was executed. 4 Germans, 2 French, 1 Belgian, 3 Americans were arrested. Please, immidiately report who are we at war with.''

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long.

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court-martial long

I was an M.P in the British army for a number of years.
We get called Red Caps.


I was passing through the Canteen, Mess, food, hall.

I had to arrest 2 chefs and bring them before the court marshall.
Turned quite violent.


I got bruised and worse.

...

I recently took up a career installing worktops in kitchen, little did I know I would be arrested.

Turns out counter fitting is illegal!

Rich man arrested for murder

A rich man is arrested for murder finds an Attorney that says

" Rich people don't to jail, You have too much money to go to jail, I'll represent you"

It was long drawn out trial, and when his client was convicted, the lawyer made sure he didn't have any money left.

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I was arrested for having sex with my girlfriend at Olive Garden.

When I was read my charges the officer said I had one count of indecent exposure and one count of incest.

Confused I asked the cop "why the charge for incest?"

The officer replied "Because when you're here, you're family."

Got arrested by cops for celebrating earth day and switching off all plugs

Shouldn't have done it in a hospital i guess

Why cant zombies be arrested?

Because you'll never take them alive!

three men were sitting in a prison in moscow

they discuss why they were arrested
the first one says ”I showed up ten minutes late to work and was arrested for sabotage”
the second one says “I showed up five minutes early to work and was arrested for espionage”
the third one says “I showed up to work on time and was arrested for ownin...

I got arrested for fishing without a license at a dubstep festival.

The arresting officer yelled "drop the bass!"

My neighbourhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been a customer for 6 years.

I never knew he was a barber.

In ancient Rome, a man was convicted for eating his wife.

The soldiers arrested him and bought him before Caesar.

"Do you have remorse for your heinous crime?" Caeser asked.

The Roman smiled and shook his head. He looked very happy.


Caeser was shocked. He told the guards

"To commit such an act is bad enough but to be happy a...

Pete Townshend and Keith Moon were arrested last night after releasing 1000 pugs from a cosmetic company’s testing facility.

The Who let the dogs out.

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Simple Economics

SOCIALISMYou have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISMYou hav...

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A man has been arrested for publically masturbating while reading out loud from a law book, all the while imagining legal cases.

Though he got off on a technicality.

An Australian rugby fan, a South African rugby fan and a New Zealand rugby fan are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze...

...when Saudi police rush in and arrest them.

The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for consuming the booze they are all sentenced to death. However, after many months and with the help of good lawyers, they are able successfully to appeal their sentences dow...

An English woman finds out her husband is cheating on her

She is distraught, fueled by anger - so much so that she decides the only course of action is to have him killed. In her grief, she contacts and old friend who works amongst the criminal underbelly of London. He recommends she seek out a specific hitman, known in the business as Big Artie. He is eff...

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Naked Cowboy

A sheriff of a small town is patrolling the town one night when he comes across a cowboy walking up Main St. The cowboy is wearing nothing except his hat, boots, and gunbelt. The sheriff is a bit surprised at first but gets over his initial shock and arrests the cowboy for indecent exposure.

...

A Man arrives at his small business first thing on Monday morning. He is met by the local Sheriff and his deputies, armed with a warrant for his arrest and a full search and Seizure of his business and assets.

After he is placed in handcuff and read his rights, a Slim mild mannered man in a suit approaches him and identifies himself as an IRS agent.

IRS Agent: “Are you Mr Jones who resides at 188 Boardwalk Rd?”

Mr Jones: “Yes I am”

IRS Agent: “Do you own and run ‘Jones: Fun house...

Luckily the blade of grass got arrested in the summer

Because he's about to make bale!

A woman was pumping her gas on an extremely hot day.

As she pulled the nozzle from her car, some splashed on her arm and a random spark ignited the gas. As her arm was burning, she called for help to have someone try to quell the flame before it grew too high. To her luck, a couple police officers walked out from inside the gas station and immediately...

Police Officer: You are under arrest.

Me: For what?

Police Officer: For going 68 miles per hour.

Me: Fine but can you make the number a little cooler?

Police Officer: Sure.

The Judge: Sir, how did you go -68 miles per hour?

A traffic cop pulls over a guy for speeding.

As he approaches the car dorr he asks the driver for his license and the cars papers. The driver awnsers: i dont got a license and the car is stolen.
The cop was baffled and uttered: are you serious?! The driver awnsers: i'm always serious after a few lines of blow up my nose dude...
The cop:...

This just in: A Burger King employee in Kalispell, Montana was arrested today after being caught putting vodka in the orange Hi-C.

Local police say it was the first reported case of a Flathead screwdriver.

Real happiness

A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman were discussing the meaning of real happiness


The English said "real happiness is reading a good book on a rainy night with a hot cup of tea by your side"

The Frenchman said : "non mon ami, real happiness is to meet a beautiful girl make lov...

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A husband and wife were arrested...

A husband and wife were arrested...

Attorney: Your honor, these two were arrested for having sex in public and there was a dolphin involved.

The Judge: What do you two have to say for yourself?

Husband: Your honor, we are sorry. It was an accident.

Wife: Yes, i...

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I was arrested for having pictures of my cat's butthole on my phone.

They charged me with posession of kitty porn.

A man took a dark photograph and was arrested

He was charged with indecent exposure

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are arrested and sentenced to death by firing squad, one by one.

While they wait to be executed they come up with a plan.

Right before they’re about to be shot, each one will yell that some natural disaster or emergency is happening to distract the soldiers. During the distraction, they would be able to escape.

The brunette is first. As she hears ...

Why can't Lincoln be arrested?

He's in a cent.

What did the QANON shaman's mom say to him when he got arrested?

Bison

Recently the police were called to the residence of an elderly couple. The Chief radios the station that the wife has shot the husband.

The Sgt. at the station stammers "What? Why?" The Chief calls back "Well, apparently she warned him about walking on her freshly mopped floors one more time..." Sarge is in utter disbelief "Did you go and arrest her??" Chief said not yet. Sarge asked what the hell he's waiting for. Chief radios back...

So the other day I was arrested for pretending I was an American politician!

I was just sitting there doing nothing

A forger was arrested and thrown in jail for making counterfeit money

Later, a reporter visited his cell for an interview and asked him “Why did you make counterfeit money?”

The forger thought for a while before he replied, saying “Because making real money is impossible.”

Police arrested two kids yesterday

one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other off.

Why did the police arrest the crow?

They had probable caws.

When birds get arrested, they get no trial.

They go straight to prison because they’re too much of a flight risk.

I got arrested for illegal fishing, even though there weren't any 'no fishing' signs.

Apparently if it's an aquarium in a hotel lobby, you don't need a sign.

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[NSFW] A New Male Server in Texas was Arrested for Unsolicited Sex. His reasoning?

“Well, I asked her what I could get her and she said, Mountain Dew Me, and so I did her right there.”

Got arrested today and the cops said they needed to take my fingerprints and put them on file. But when we got to the station, the sergeant said they'd run out of fingerprint ink.

So they just asked for 6 digit passcode instead.

I think they're trying to PIN something on me.

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A Bishop has been arrested for failing to stop sexual abuse happening directly in front of him. He claimed he was powerless to stop it

because he could only move diagonally.

A local dentist was arrested recently for dealing drugs, came as a huge surprise for me ...

I’d been going to him for 6 years and never knew he was a dentist

The other day I punched a white dude and got arrested for assault,

Today I punched a black guy and got arrested for impersonating a police officer.

Where do criminals go when they're arrested for possession of 32 ounces?

The quart room

Did you hear about the man who got arrested for sodium chloride?

That's a salt.

Adam Johnson, the man seen carrying House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s lecture during the siege has been arrested.

His lawyer said that at the trial he won’t be taking the stand.

I got arrested for asking around for advice on money laundering

I don’t get it.

During this COVID-19 pandemic, I thought the least I could do to stay safe was to disinfect my money.

A police officer arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states

Solid, liquid and gas

I got arrested by the police

This is so ridiculous, i just wanted to help someone who forgot a pack of flour

Two women in Florida were arrested this week after posing as old ladies in order to get a Covid vaccine

Two kids in a trench coat got away with with the same idea, but only one got vaccinated.

A man is arrested late at night for drinking coffee...

He was charged for resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the duck that got arrested?

He was caught smoking quack

I had no freaking idea!

I visited a local news website this morning and saw a picture of a good friend of mine on the front page with a title above saying, "A 34-year-old mechanic arrested for dealing drugs". I really thought I knew the guy, but I guess I was wrong. I mean, I've been a loyal customer of his for almost 7 ye...

Why was the elephant arrested?

It forgot it's swim trunks.

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My friend was arrested for beating an unarmed black man to death

He was charged with impersonating a police officer.

Why did the police arrest the squirrels in the park?

- For busting a nut in public view

A policeman pulls over a speeding Ferrari.

He looks through the window and to his annoyance sees a rebellious looking teenager.
The policeman decides he's going to teach this spoiled kid a lesson.
He takes a piece of chalk and draws a circle on the floor.

"Get out of the car and stand in the circle. If I see you step out, I'll...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Saw a couple of guys wearing matching clothes and asked if they were gay..

..they arrested me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens when you smack Dwayne Johnson’s butt?

You get arrested for sexual assault. What did you think was going to happen?

no Idea why they arrested me...

I just read the sign and complied...

it said:

NO campaign materials or **clothing** allowed in polling place.

What's the name of that painting in the louvre that you get arrested for touching?

I can't quite put my finger on it.

"Did you hear about the guy who was arrested for destroying evidence?"

"Yeah, apparently the case was dismissed due to lack of evidence."

What did the police do when Johnny Cash got arrested?

They made him walk the line.

A drunk coming from a night club at dawn wandered off the path and trespassed into a military camp ... [long]

A drunk coming from a night club at dawn wandered off the path and trespassed into a military camp.

He was urinating on one of the camp’s flowerbeds when he was arrested and given a punishment to move a pile of some 1000 bricks from a shed to a nearby site on the camp where some construction ...

A North Korean man was arrested and given 15 years for calling Kim Jong Un a fathead

1 year for insulting the Supreme Leader and 14 for revealing a state secret

I heard a double amputee got arrested on weapons charges

They must've gotten the wrong guy, he's definitely unarmed

My dog was arrested today!

He had unpaid barking tickets.

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