My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 1 minute all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.

They quickly arrested me.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two drug dealers are caught. They did not resist arrest and they owned up to it right away.

They go to court.

“Ok,” said the judge, “since this is your first offense and you cooperated so well I won’t send you to jail under one condition: you have to get as many kids off drugs as you can. You have he weekend to do it.”

The two of them spilt up and went out to get kids off dru...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour?

This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.

I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.

Why did one laptop arrest the other?

Because it was ASUS pect

Hillary's emails finally lead to an arrest.

Roger Stone was arrested for his communications with the Trump campaign regarding Wikileaks and Hillary Clinton’s emails.

When cops arrest a clinically insane person...

...are they busting a nut?

What did the pirate say when having a cardiac arrest?

'Yarrrr! Me hearty!'

The neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs...

We had been his customers for 8 years. We had no idea he was a barber.

Why did the cops arrest the pianist?

He fingered A minor.

My grandfather was arrested numerous times for selling a phony life lengthening drug...

Once in 1888, again in 1922, a third time in 1954, and another time in January 2018

Me, to the cop: You can’t arrest me. I have a marathon to run today!

Cop: Stop playing the race card!

What did they arrest the mafia mallard for?

Quacketerring.

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How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to beat the room for being black and one to arrest the bulb for being broke.

A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party.

He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the police officer arrest the popcorn?

It was guilty of all salt and buttery.

What do you call an ex on house arrest?

“Out of Stalk”

I witnessed the weirdest arrest today.

I walked into an Arco and noticed 2 officers watching a woman who was smoking while pumping gas. Moments later, the woman's arm caught on fire.

She swung her arms frantically seeking help. The officers put her on the ground and successfully put the fire out with their coffee.
Then they ...

A park ranger catches a man illegally fishing

As the man is getting off his boat with his entire catch, the ranger jumps out in front of him and detains him. The man asks him what he's being detained for.

"Fishing here is illegal. You're coming with me."
"But I wasn't fishing! These fish are all my friends. I come here once a week,...

Why did the cops arrest the cannibal for dumping his girlfriend in public without knowing he was a one?

Public defecation.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and a small sword are both under arrest for sexual misconduct

A detective/ interviewer is being brought to the two sexual predators who are both in separate rooms. First he goes to the room with the man. The man is not constrained and is sitting on a chair. The detective peaks in the window to the room and asks the officer "What exactly did he do?" the officer...

Detectives finally arrest two men suspected of robbing a 3M plant.

But they couldn’t find any evidence that would stick

Never arrest a guy with acne

They’re good at breaking out

A blonde prostitute is working the corner with her friends...

... when a prospective client walks up to her.

"H-how much?" the man asks. The blonde whispers the price in his ear, and he quickly agrees.

As they're walking away, her fellow prostitutes call out: "Aren't you forgetting something?"

The man turns back nervously, then feels for h...

How do you arrest a Roman woman?

Caesar.

I have information that will lead to Hillary Clinton's arrest.

[deleted]

A couple of policeman tried to arrest me for wearing a pair of humongous bear gloves.

I told them to check the Second Amendment.

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He answered, "Call for backup."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why aren't the police making any neo-nazi arrests in murder cases?

There's no dental records and all the DNA matches

How do you get a football player to stop resisting arrest?

Sing the national anthem

Why did the ancient Roman police arrest an Eagle?

Because he was... Aquila.

What do you call a police who arrests a jaywalker?

A Petty Officer!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A joke told to me by my psychology professor...

I'll start by letting you know the backstory to this. It was the first day of class and my professor was giving a brief overview of physiological studies and theories. He then went into a very long description of a supposed psychologist who studied the training of dolphins and it went something like...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A female officer arrests a drunk.

She warns him, ‘You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you.’

The drunk replies, ‘Boobs.’

A man, convinced of a crime, was in court.

The judge said 'Why did the police arrest you?'

The man replied 'For shopping too early.'

The judge said 'Well that's not a crime, how early were you shopping.'

The man replied 'Before the shop opened.'

When the Thought Police start making arrests...

...will they capture the imagination of the public?

Tom Petty died yesterday of a cardiac arrest

I blame the Heartbreakers

A proton, electron and a neuton get into a bar fight.

The bartender calls cops and they show up to arrest everyone. The cops cuff the proton and electron but they let the neutron go because nobody could press charges.

Why did the cops arrest the man while his hands were burning?

Because he was waving a firearm.

Russian political joke from time of the Russian Empire

A man in the street shouts: "Nicholas is a moron!" (Nicholas is a common Russian given name, it's also the name of two Russian emperors). He is naturally arrested by the police and charged with insulting the emperor. He tells the officer: "I meant another Nicholas". The officer answers: Do no be sil...

In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes (old Soviet joke)

"What did they arrest you for?" asks the first. "Was it a political or common crime?"

"Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven ...

pregnant

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

He seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laugh...

What was the obese cop's only arrest?

A cardiac one.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What is the best thing about Tiger Woods' arrest?

A black man in America finally survived a traffic stop. Progress!

Why did the police arrest the baseball player?

Because he allegedly murdered his wife and kids.

Why did the cops arrest the guy selling water at a music festival?

They said he was in tent to supply.

Cop: You’re under arrest

Cop: You’re under arrest
Me: Let’s get a drink and talk this over, Attorney to Cop
Cop: You’re an attorney?
Me: No but I did pass a bar

Two communist soldiers stood by the Berlin wall during The Cold War.

Soldier 1: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Soldier 2: Yes I am.

Soldier 1: Then I'll have to arrest you.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Policeman & The Hispanic

It’s around the holiday season and Bob the policeman is scheduled to work. He decides to set up a speed trap at his favorite roadway in Arkansas.

It’s been a few hours and Bob hasn’t seen a single driver. Just then, suddenly a pickup truck flies past him doing well over double the speed limit...

Valentines special! $500.00

We arrest you in front of your wife and release you on Sunday.
It includes fishing license, poles, boat fees, tent, beers and all necessities for the whole weekend.
We come in full police uniforms and blue lights.

A fisherman took his boat far out to sea. He hooked a huge fish, and fought it for hours.

Unfortunately, as he wasn’t strapped into his seat, he was yanked overboard, and began to drown. Suddenly, he was rescued and brought back to his boat by a pair of dolphins. Without thinking, the fisherman thanked them.
They replied, “You’re welcome!” Aghast, the fisherman said, “You can talk! Th...

The Invisible Man has a warrant out for his arrest.

The charge is "Failure To Appear".

When interviewing the police officers involved in Tiger Woods' arrest, they told how they came to suspect he was under the influence.

"Simple" The officer responded. "It was the straightest drive he's had in years. We knew right away something was up."

I saw a woman suffering cardiac arrest earlier...

She asked for me to call her an ambulance.

I did, but I think she should've asked for help instead.

A trucker walks into a bar.

He sits at the bar and orders a beer, the bartender is a bit surprised to see the trucker. "Hey Bob, haven't seen you in a while, what have you been up to? "

Bob takes a swig of beer, "man that tastes good, haven't had a beer in 18 months, I have been in prison" he says.

"You, I can't ...

Did you hear about the girl who stole my heart?

The police placed her under cardiac arrest!

Why did the police arrest the Christmas goose?

They suspected it of fowl play.

Why did they arrest my psychiatrist ?

Because he was therapist.

Police arrest two kids

Police arrest two kids. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

The police were having trouble bringing down a New York crime family...

...until a member of the family went to the police with information on their criminal activities.

The police made loads of arrests, and the confidential informant was placed into witness protection. However, a corrupt policeman revealed the identity of the informant to the family.

In o...

An edited version of a joke that’s been already posted.

A proton, a neutron, and an electron got into a bar fight.

The bartender called the police, but when the officers arrived, they only arrested the proton. Confused, the bartender asked, “why did you only arrest the proton?”

To which one of the officers replied, “well you see, the elect...

What’s the difference between a pig and a cow?

The pig can arrest you.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy gets up, moves to the first class section and sits down

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.

The flight...

Unnecessary Arrests

The other day, a police officer was walking through the park. He saw two kids. One of the kids was eating fireworks. The other was drinking battery acid. The officer immediately arrested both kids and brought them to the station. When they got there, the officer's superior told him to let one o...

Where is Donald Trump gonna put all of the illegal immigrants once he arrests them?

Juantanamo

Why did the police arrest the energizer bunny?

He was wanted for several charges of battery