My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 1 minute all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.

They quickly arrested me.

The neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs...

We had been his customers for 8 years. We had no idea he was a barber.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour?

This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.

I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.

What did the pirate say during cardiac arrest?

"Arrrrrhh me hearty!"

Why did one laptop arrest the other?

Because it was ASUS pect

Hillary's emails finally lead to an arrest.

Roger Stone was arrested for his communications with the Trump campaign regarding Wikileaks and Hillary Clinton’s emails.

My grandfather was arrested numerous times for selling a phony life lengthening drug...

Once in 1888, again in 1922, a third time in 1954, and another time in January 2018

Me, to the cop: You can’t arrest me. I have a marathon to run today!

Cop: Stop playing the race card!

When cops arrest a clinically insane person...

...are they busting a nut?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two drug dealers are caught. They did not resist arrest and they owned up to it right away.

They go to court.

“Ok,” said the judge, “since this is your first offense and you cooperated so well I won’t send you to jail under one condition: you have to get as many kids off drugs as you can. You have he weekend to do it.”

The two of them spilt up and went out to get kids off dru...

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to beat the room for being black and one to arrest the bulb for being broke.

What did they arrest the mafia mallard for?

Quacketerring.

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A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party.

He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.

"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"

"Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."

"What about if I were just to think it?...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the police officer arrest the popcorn?

It was guilty of all salt and buttery.

What do you call an ex on house arrest?

“Out of Stalk”

A park ranger catches a man illegally fishing

As the man is getting off his boat with his entire catch, the ranger jumps out in front of him and detains him. The man asks him what he's being detained for.

"Fishing here is illegal. You're coming with me."
"But I wasn't fishing! These fish are all my friends. I come here once a week,...

I witnessed the weirdest arrest today.

I walked into an Arco and noticed 2 officers watching a woman who was smoking while pumping gas. Moments later, the woman's arm caught on fire.

She swung her arms frantically seeking help. The officers put her on the ground and successfully put the fire out with their coffee.
Then they ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and a small sword are both under arrest for sexual misconduct

A detective/ interviewer is being brought to the two sexual predators who are both in separate rooms. First he goes to the room with the man. The man is not constrained and is sitting on a chair. The detective peaks in the window to the room and asks the officer "What exactly did he do?" the officer...

Why did the cops arrest the cannibal for dumping his girlfriend in public without knowing he was a one?

Public defecation.

How do you arrest a Roman woman?

Caesar.

Never arrest a guy with acne

They’re good at breaking out

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A blonde prostitute is working the corner with her friends...

... when a prospective client walks up to her.

"H-how much?" the man asks. The blonde whispers the price in his ear, and he quickly agrees.

As they're walking away, her fellow prostitutes call out: "Aren't you forgetting something?"

The man turns back nervously, then feels for h...

How do you get a football player to stop resisting arrest?

Sing the national anthem

I have information that will lead to Hillary Clinton's arrest.

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A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He answered, "Call for backup."

A couple of policeman tried to arrest me for wearing a pair of humongous bear gloves.

I told them to check the Second Amendment.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why aren't the police making any neo-nazi arrests in murder cases?

There's no dental records and all the DNA matches

Why did the ancient Roman police arrest an Eagle?

Because he was... Aquila.

Detectives finally arrest two men suspected of robbing a 3M plant.

But they couldn’t find any evidence that would stick

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A joke told to me by my psychology professor...

I'll start by letting you know the backstory to this. It was the first day of class and my professor was giving a brief overview of physiological studies and theories. He then went into a very long description of a supposed psychologist who studied the training of dolphins and it went something like...

What do you call a police who arrests a jaywalker?

A Petty Officer!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A female officer arrests a drunk.

She warns him, ‘You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you.’

The drunk replies, ‘Boobs.’

When the Thought Police start making arrests...

...will they capture the imagination of the public?

Tom Petty died yesterday of a cardiac arrest

I blame the Heartbreakers

Russian political joke from time of the Russian Empire

A man in the street shouts: "Nicholas is a moron!" (Nicholas is a common Russian given name, it's also the name of two Russian emperors). He is naturally arrested by the police and charged with insulting the emperor. He tells the officer: "I meant another Nicholas". The officer answers: Do no be sil...

Why did the cops arrest the man while his hands were burning?

Because he was waving a firearm.

Fish story

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Texas as he started to drive his boat away from a lake. The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?" "Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here ...

In soviet gulag, 2 men are talking

One of them asks, "what did they arrest you for, a common crime, or political crime?" The second man answers "Of course it's political. Im a plumber. They summoned me to the district party to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said 'Hey, this whole system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me 10 ye...

pregnant

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

He seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laugh...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What is the best thing about Tiger Woods' arrest?

A black man in America finally survived a traffic stop. Progress!

Heisenberg, Schrodinger, and Ohm are taking a road trip.

A cop pulls them over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks "Do you know how fast you were going?"


"No, but I know exactly where I am." Heisenberg replies.

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The cop says "You were doing 60 in a 35." Heisenberg throws his hands up and yells "Great, and now I'm...

What was the obese cop's only arrest?

A cardiac one.

A coke dealer is waiting for a customer at a diner

the customer sits down, slides over the money, the dealer slides over a bag of white powder. At that moment the cops burst in to arrest the dealer and the buyer. The dealer quickly says "it's just some caster sugar to put on his pie", a cop doesn't believe him and checks the white powder, it is inde...

Why did the cops arrest the guy selling water at a music festival?

They said he was in tent to supply.

A man was in cardiac arrest.

After being cleared of all charges, he was cardiac free to go.

Why did the cops arrest the big empty room?

It was so spacious.

A man, convinced of a crime, was in court.

The judge said 'Why did the police arrest you?'

The man replied 'For shopping too early.'

The judge said 'Well that's not a crime, how early were you shopping.'

The man replied 'Before the shop opened.'

The Invisible Man has a warrant out for his arrest.

The charge is "Failure To Appear".

Why did the police arrest the baseball player?

Because he allegedly murdered his wife and kids.

A proton, electron and a neuton get into a bar fight.

The bartender calls cops and they show up to arrest everyone. The cops cuff the proton and electron but they let the neutron go because nobody could press charges.

What's it called when a heart goes to jail?

Cardiac arrest.

When interviewing the police officers involved in Tiger Woods' arrest, they told how they came to suspect he was under the influence.

"Simple" The officer responded. "It was the straightest drive he's had in years. We knew right away something was up."

A woman goes into her office

She sees 2 of her male co-workers chatting, and one of them makes a joke, they both start laughing.

The woman, who is in a bad mood, thought that they were laughing at her, so she says "Hey, stop that!". The men don't hear them over the sound of their own laughter. The woman then says that if...

I saw a woman suffering cardiac arrest earlier...

She asked for me to call her an ambulance.

I did, but I think she should've asked for help instead.

There was a panda

The panda liked to eat alone. So the panda walked into this restaurant and ordered something to eat. The waiter brings it to him and he eats it. When the waiter comes back the panda is finished and asks him if he’s ready to pay. The panda then brings out a gun and shoots the water. The panda then le...

Why did the police arrest the Christmas goose?

They suspected it of fowl play.

What do you charge a baby with when they refuse to take a nap?

Resisting arrest

Why did they arrest my psychiatrist ?

Because he was therapist.

Police arrest two kids

Police arrest two kids. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Valentines special! $500.00

We arrest you in front of your wife and release you on Sunday.
It includes fishing license, poles, boat fees, tent, beers and all necessities for the whole weekend.
We come in full police uniforms and blue lights.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is stopped by an officer controlling traffic...

The officer is conducting the control rather rudely and is pedantic about the state of the car and the man starts to get annoyed. When the officer finally hands back his papers, the man asks: "would I get into trouble for calling an officer an asshole motherfucker?". The officer makes an angry noise...

A fisherman took his boat far out to sea. He hooked a huge fish, and fought it for hours.

Unfortunately, as he wasn’t strapped into his seat, he was yanked overboard, and began to drown. Suddenly, he was rescued and brought back to his boat by a pair of dolphins. Without thinking, the fisherman thanked them.
They replied, “You’re welcome!” Aghast, the fisherman said, “You can talk! Th...

"Rocky, you thought you'd killed me when you blew up the blacktop driveway sealant warehouse, but I survived and I'm placing you under arrest!" "Oh yeah? What's the charge, detective?"

"Asphalting an officer!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Policeman & The Hispanic

It’s around the holiday season and Bob the policeman is scheduled to work. He decides to set up a speed trap at his favorite roadway in Arkansas.

It’s been a few hours and Bob hasn’t seen a single driver. Just then, suddenly a pickup truck flies past him doing well over double the speed limit...

Two communist soldiers stood by the Berlin wall during The Cold War.

Soldier 1: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Soldier 2: Yes I am.

Soldier 1: Then I'll have to arrest you.