A local barber was arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for 5 years

I never knew he was a barber

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A saw two men wearing matching outfits. So I asked them if they were gay.

They arrested me.

A policeman arrested 2 boys yesterday, one for drinking battery acid, the other for eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 1 minute all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

What did the FBI agent say to R Kelly upon his arrest?

Urine trouble now!

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Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour?

This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.

I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.

When cops arrest a clinically insane person...

...are they busting a nut?

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The cops told me they’d arrest me if I masturbated to any porn star that wasn’t Scottish, but I did it anyway

I got off Scot-free

What did the pirate say during cardiac arrest?

"Arrrrrhh me hearty!"

Police: Sir, you are under arrest for trying to carry 6 people on a single motorcycle

Me: What do you mean 6 people?

Police: Yes, 6 people. Now please get off your vehicle.

Me: OH MY GOD!

Police: Sir?

Me: Jack fell off!

A family is found murdered

The police investigate 3 suspects, a neighbor, a relative, one of the father's coworkers. All of them deny it and have an alibi. The neighbor was grocery shopping, the relative was on vacation, and the coworker was home watching The Walking Dead. The police arrest the father's coworker. They found t...

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Two drug dealers are caught. They did not resist arrest and they owned up to it right away.

They go to court.

“Ok,” said the judge, “since this is your first offense and you cooperated so well I won’t send you to jail under one condition: you have to get as many kids off drugs as you can. You have he weekend to do it.”

The two of them spilt up and went out to get kids off dru...

Why did one laptop arrest the other?

Because it was ASUS pect

Hillary's emails finally lead to an arrest.

Roger Stone was arrested for his communications with the Trump campaign regarding Wikileaks and Hillary Clinton’s emails.

My grandfather was arrested numerous times for selling a phony life lengthening drug...

Once in 1888, again in 1922, a third time in 1954, and another time in January 2018

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to beat the room for being black and one to arrest the bulb for being broke.

Me, to the cop: You can’t arrest me. I have a marathon to run today!

Cop: Stop playing the race card!

A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party.

He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover

When a cop tries to arrest you

U pull out a uno reverse card
Then you arrest the police

What did they arrest the mafia mallard for?

Quacketerring.













What do you call an ex on house arrest?

“Out of Stalk”

A park ranger catches a man illegally fishing

As the man is getting off his boat with his entire catch, the ranger jumps out in front of him and detains him. The man asks him what he's being detained for.

"Fishing here is illegal. You're coming with me."
"But I wasn't fishing! These fish are all my friends. I come here once a week,...

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Why did the police officer arrest the popcorn?

It was guilty of all salt and buttery.

I witnessed the weirdest arrest today.

I walked into an Arco and noticed 2 officers watching a woman who was smoking while pumping gas. Moments later, the woman's arm caught on fire.

She swung her arms frantically seeking help. The officers put her on the ground and successfully put the fire out with their coffee.
Then they ...

How do you arrest a Roman woman?

Caesar.

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A blonde prostitute is working the corner with her friends...

... when a prospective client walks up to her.

"H-how much?" the man asks. The blonde whispers the price in his ear, and he quickly agrees.

As they're walking away, her fellow prostitutes call out: "Aren't you forgetting something?"

The man turns back nervously, then feels for h...

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Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.

"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"

"Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."

"What about if I were just to think it?...

How do you get a football player to stop resisting arrest?

Sing the national anthem

Why did the cops arrest the cannibal for dumping his girlfriend in public without knowing he was a one?

Public defecation.

Never arrest a guy with acne

They’re good at breaking out

Detectives finally arrest two men suspected of robbing a 3M plant.

But they couldn’t find any evidence that would stick

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He answered, "Call for backup."

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A man and a small sword are both under arrest for sexual misconduct

A detective/ interviewer is being brought to the two sexual predators who are both in separate rooms. First he goes to the room with the man. The man is not constrained and is sitting on a chair. The detective peaks in the window to the room and asks the officer "What exactly did he do?" the officer...

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Why aren't the police making any neo-nazi arrests in murder cases?

There's no dental records and all the DNA matches

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A joke told to me by my psychology professor...

I'll start by letting you know the backstory to this. It was the first day of class and my professor was giving a brief overview of physiological studies and theories. He then went into a very long description of a supposed psychologist who studied the training of dolphins and it went something like...

A couple of policeman tried to arrest me for wearing a pair of humongous bear gloves.

I told them to check the Second Amendment.

Took me a month but I finally got to pull off this joke in real life

*Me and my friend had just finished watching a ton of conspiracy theory videos.*

Friend: It's crazy if some of that stuff is true. But the government is just hiding it from us.

Me: Yeah like monsters and aliens and stuff.

Friend: Yeah! And not to mention all the cool technology ...

Why did the ancient Roman police arrest an Eagle?

Because he was... Aquila.

What do you call a police who arrests a jaywalker?

A Petty Officer!

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A female officer arrests a drunk.

She warns him, ‘You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you.’

The drunk replies, ‘Boobs.’

Russian political joke from time of the Russian Empire

A man in the street shouts: "Nicholas is a moron!" (Nicholas is a common Russian given name, it's also the name of two Russian emperors). He is naturally arrested by the police and charged with insulting the emperor. He tells the officer: "I meant another Nicholas". The officer answers: Do no be sil...

Tom Petty died yesterday of a cardiac arrest

I blame the Heartbreakers

Why did the cops arrest the man while his hands were burning?

Because he was waving a firearm.

pregnant

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

He seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laugh...

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Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car

They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.

The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"

The cop thin...

What was the obese cop's only arrest?

A cardiac one.

When the Thought Police start making arrests...

...will they capture the imagination of the public?

A cop pulls a motorist over on the highway

"Do you know your lights are out?" asks the police officer.

"Yup," answers the driver. "But I don't care."

"And do you know how fast you were going?"

"Oh, probably about 20 miles over the limit."

"Can I see your license, sir?"

"I don't have one."

"Well, wel...

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There's a robbery in a jewelry shop, but when the police arrive, the thief has escaped

One agent says to another:

"If we do not arrest anyone the boss is going to get angry"

The other agent looks around and sees a drunk man sleeping in a corner, and says:

"Well, we take that drunk and we say it was him"

They take him to the police station, where they inter...

Her - Come over

Me - I can't, I'm under arrest for double homicide.

Her - My parents aren't home.

Me - ..about that.

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What is the best thing about Tiger Woods' arrest?

A black man in America finally survived a traffic stop. Progress!

Last week, I witnessed a police officer put handcuffs on a criminal who was suffering from a heart failure.

Now that's what I call a Cardiac arrest.

Police related jokes aren’t funny

So give it arrest

Why did the police arrest the baseball player?

Because he allegedly murdered his wife and kids.

A priest, preacher, and rabbi are arrested for illegal gambling

One night, a priest, a preacher, and a rabbi are having a game of poker when the cops suddenly bust down their door and arrest them all on the spot. They are immediately taken before a judge who tells them "Look, it's late and I don't want to send three holy men to jail, so if you can give me a good...

When a girl says she wants to have a guy's babies, no one bats an eye, but when I say I want to give someone my babies-

-I'm suddenly under arrest for human trafficking.

Why did the cops arrest the guy selling water at a music festival?

They said he was in tent to supply.

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The DEA search an old man's farm.

A DEA agent rolls up to a farm and speaks to the old farmer: "Sir we have received an anonymous tip off that you may be storing illegal drugs on your property. I have a warrant here to search your entire farm."

The farmer replies: "This is outrageous! I'm just a poor old man trying to earn a ...

More bad news for the coal industry

Hundreds of minors out of work since the arrest of Jeffery Epstein.

Why did the cops arrest the big empty room?

It was so spacious.

The Invisible Man has a warrant out for his arrest.

The charge is "Failure To Appear".

When interviewing the police officers involved in Tiger Woods' arrest, they told how they came to suspect he was under the influence.

"Simple" The officer responded. "It was the straightest drive he's had in years. We knew right away something was up."

I saw a woman suffering cardiac arrest earlier...

She asked for me to call her an ambulance.

I did, but I think she should've asked for help instead.

Why did the police arrest the Christmas goose?

They suspected it of fowl play.

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Why did they arrest my psychiatrist ?

Because he was therapist.

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Did you hear the one about the guy who died watching porn?

Cardiac Arrest Mid-Stroke

In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes (old Soviet joke)

"What did they arrest you for?" asks the first. "Was it a political or common crime?"

"Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven ...

Fish story

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Texas as he started to drive his boat away from a lake. The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?" "Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here ...

Four Aliens

The are four aliens passing by our solar system. The don’t know a word of English. Their spaceship malfunctions and they manage to eject the escape pods before they crash land on Earth. Each alien lands in a different spot on the planet. They each decide they might as well try to learn some English ...

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Blonde on a plane

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN ...

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NSFW - The Queen is touring a prestigious hospital...

They come to the special care wing and she is utterly disgusted when she sees a nurse giving a male patient a hand job.

"What is the meaning of this?!" she screams.

"Don't fret, your Majesty. This man has a rare condition that requires him to ejaculate once every hour or he will go int...

An English athlete, a French athlete and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium

An English athlete, a French athlete and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium at the 1976 Summer Olympics chatting before the medal ceremony. "Don't get me wrong" says the Englishman, "winning a medal is very nice, but I still feel the greatest pleasure in life is getting home after a long ...

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