The 109+ Best Arrest Jokes

A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle, and is arrested for violating the Endangered Species Act. He pleads guilty, and throws himself on the mercy of the court.

"Your Honor," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again."

"You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. How...

Andrew Tate arrested in Romania after a pizza box showed he was in the country. Police arrested him within 30 minutes

As any longer would mean they had to give him a free garlic bread.

A Serb, a Croat and a Bosniak are arrested in Iran for drinking alcohol.

The court sentences them to 10 whip lashes each, but everyone is allowed to make a special request beforehand.

First up is the Serb. "I request a pillow strapped on my back!" he says. After 2 lashes it rips apart and his back gets completely torn open.

Second up is the Croat. "I reques...

You are under arrest

Police: You are under arrest!
Me: Why?
Police: Because you transport 6 people at once on a single motorcycle.
Me: Did you say six?
Police: that is correct, six!
Me: Damn it, we have lost Chantal.

I cant believe they are going to arrest me for impersonating a politician

I just literally did nothing.

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long!

I got arrested at Target for stealing a kitchen utensil once.

It was a whisk I was willing to take.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are arrested and sentenced to death by firing squad, one by one.

While they wait to be executed they come up with a plan. Right before they are to be shot, each one will yell that some natural disaster or emergency is happening to distract the soldiers and they would be able to escape.

The brunette is first. As she hears the captain counting down to 0 she...

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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest for suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

My neighbour just got arrested for growing weed

I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was

Did you hear they arrested the devil?

Yeah, they got him on possession.

A man was arrested and taken to an interrogation room

He says to the police officer, "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present."

"You are the lawyer," says the policeman.

"Exactly, so where's my present?"

I got arrested at the airport last week...

Apparently, security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.

Police have arrested the World tongue-twister Champion.

I imagine he'll be given a tough sentence.

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"You're under arrest, anything you say CAN and WILL be held against you"

"Boobs!! Boobs!! Big boobs!!"

Our local pizza guy has been arrested for selling drugs

I have been a loyal customer for years. I honestly had no idea he was selling pizzas

Why was the piano teacher arrested?

He kept fingering A minor.

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Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time.
I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use.
I'll see you back in court Monday.

"On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you ...

A man was arrested for telling a joke which called Vladimir Putin stupid.

He was tried and sentenced to 15 years and 3 months in a work camp.

When asked about the strangely specific sentence, the judge explained that he gave 3 months for insulting the president, and 15 years for divulging state secrets.

I got arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia in its entirety

...before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything

When cops arrest a clinically insane person...

...are they busting a nut?

A cop arrests 3 ducks who were in the pond late at night.

He asks the first one: “What are you doing in the pond so late?” First duck replies “Blowing bubbles.” The cop rolls his eyes and asks the second duck: “And what were you doing in the pond so late?” The second duck answers: “Blowing bubbles.” He turns to the third duck: “And what were you doing? Lem...

I was arrested for drinking battery acid.

But I wasn’t charged.

Wow. The neighborhood barber just got arrested for dealing drugs. I've been his customer for years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

I tried to start farming crows, until I was arrested.

They charged me with attempted murder.

A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code

He refused to comment

How do you arrest a Roman woman?

Caesar.

my friend was arrested for stealing luggage from airport, his trial didn't last more than an hour

It was a brief case

A Russian spy infiltrated in America is arrested

A Russian spy under the alias of “Joe Smith” is arrested by American officials. He is put in an interrogation room and confronted by an official, Agent Perry.

Smith: “I don’t understand, why am I being interrogated?”

Perry: “Drop the act, Smith, if that even is your real name. We know ...

A crow was arrested an put behind bars.

His lawyer, a lawyer bird obviously, visited him.
"How bad is it?" The crow asked.

"Pretty bad." The lawyer bird replied. "They had a warrant to go through your phone."

"So what?" The crow said. "I've got nothing to hide."

"They found the texts to your friends." The lawyer b...

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I got arrested for killing a black man.

They charged me with impersonating a police officer.

Police arrested two kids yesterday

one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other off.

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Did you hear about the man arrested for sexual relations with a sheep?

He's no longer on the lam.

Why did the police officer arrest the skeleton?

They could see the joint in his hand.

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Two strangers were arrested for having sex on a plane

You know who I feel bad for?

The guy in the middle seat.

The creator of winrar is arrested

His trial is expected to last forever

An elderly woman is arrested for stealing a can of peaches and is brought before the judge.

The judge asks: "How many peaches were in the can?"

The elderly woman replied: "Six, Your Honor."

Judge: "In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach."

Her husband raises his hand and says:

"Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."

Three ducks got arrested and had to go to court

The first duck gets up on the stand, the judge says "Tell me your name and what you did wrong." The first duck says "my name is Quack, and I got busted for blowing bubbles in the pond." Judge says "Ok, you go to jail for 3 days."

The second duck gets on the stand and the judge asks the same t...

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You are being arrested by the silent orgasm police!

Please come quietly

A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party.

He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover

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Heisenberg, Schrödinger, and Ohm are on a road trip…

Heisenberg, Schrödinger, and Ohm are on a road trip, and they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him, “Do you know how fast you were going?”

“No, but I know exactly where I am” Heisenberg replies.

The cop says “You were going 80 miles an hour.” Heisenberg throws up...

Two guys were arrested for stealing a calendar

they each got six months.

I'm so sorry....

What was the chef arrested for?

>!For a salt and batter!<

If the police arrest a mime,

do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Did you hear that the police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states?

Solid, liquid, and gas!

A dentist in my town just got arrested for selling drugs!

It's amazing what secrets people can keep. I've been going to him for over ten years and I never knew he was a dentist!

Did you see there's an arrest warrant out for Schrodinger's Cat?

He's wanted dead and alive.

The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.

When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983..

Man Gets Arrested For Creeping This Lady Out On A Bus. His Explanation Is Perfect.

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained...

Me, to the cop: You can’t arrest me. I have a marathon to run today!

Cop: Stop playing the race card!

I told a joke to Optimus Prime at Universal the other day, and I was arrested.

Apparently they frown upon
Vehicular man’s laughter.

Did you hear about the pilot that wasn't allowed to fly because of a house arrest?

He was grounded

A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.

He still…has the right to remain silent.

Did you hear the Energizer Bunny got arrested?

He was charged with battery.

The news today about a woman who injected her 8 year old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants. She has been arrested and lost custody.

The child didn’t look surprised.

How do you arrest a beam of light?

You put it in a prism cell.

Why didn’t the ghost get arrested for stealing?

Because possession is nine tenths of the law.

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Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.

The inspector released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."

A little old lady gets arrested for stealing a can of peaches from a grocery store.

At the trial, the judge asks her why she stole a can of peaches. She replies, "Your Honor, my husband and I don't have much, and we are very poor. I was simply trying to do something about my hunger."

The judge, feeling sorry for the old lady, asked, "How many peaches were in the can?"
...

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Why did the mule farmer get arrested?

He had his ass out in public.

An old high school friend of ours was arrested for helping out in a bank robbery.

We always knew..he would accomplice something some day.

I got arrested the other day for holding a little girl's hand

They wanted to know where the rest of her body was

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Woman talking to a police officer.

Woman: Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?

Police Officer: "Yes"

Woman: Can you arrest me for thinking something.?

Police Officer: "No"

Woman: I think you're a cunt.

Why did the duck get arrested?

He got caught selling quack.

A neutron was recently arrested for robbery...

...but it wasn't charged.

The creator of WinRAR was arrested and put on trial

The trial was supposed to last 40 days, but it keeps on going

Did you hear about the priest who got arrested?

He had the rite to remain silent

What’s the difference between Brazil and the USA?

About 1500 arrests within 48 hours of an attempted coup.

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The other day I was pulled over by a cop and arrested…

Him: Do you have any idea why I pulled you over, sir?

Me: No, officer

Him: I’ve pulled you over because you were all over the road, have you been drinking tonight, sir?

Me: No, officer

Him: Okay, I’m going to get you to say the alphabet backwards for me, okay?

Me...

I was sitting on the roof of my bus depot thinking deep thoughts when the cops arrested me.

Apparently they didn't want me getting ideas above my station.

Recent political joke circulating in China

Three men who don’t know each other sits in a prison cell. Each explains why he was arrested.

The first man said: “I opposed covid testing.”

The second man said: “I supported covid testing.”

The third man said: “I administered the covid tests.”

The police said they’d arrest me if I kept telling bad jokes.

I stopped because I was scared I would end up in punitentiary.

A man was arrested for trying to attract crows to his garden.

He was convicted of attempted murder.

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A girl was arrested as a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them.

The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, “Why ar...

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A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.

The flight...

Why did the Stazi need 3 officers per arrest?

1 to write down the testimony,
1 to hear the testimony,
And 1 to watch over the dangerous intellectuals

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Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.

"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"

"Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."

"What about if I were just to think it?...

Why was the mime arrested?

He committed an unspeakable crime

What crime was the redwood arrested for?

High TREEason...

I'll make like a tree, see my way out

Did you hear about the baker that got arrested?

He spent a dozen weeks in custardy

Police arrested a man after he used a strobe light on a group of photosensitive epileptics during a game of "Hide-And-Seek"

He was charged with "Search and Seizure"

In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes (old Soviet joke)

"What did they arrest you for?" asks the first. "Was it a political or common crime?"

"Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven ...

A man was recently arrested after being found hiding in a wardrobe.

When the police asked him what he was doing there, he said ‘Narnia business’.

Did you hear about the crow that got arrested for trying to throw a party where nobody came?

He got charged with attempted murder

A man got arrested for having drugs in his pocket.

"Officer," he said, "I can explain."

-How? -the officer replied.

"Every time I throw those drugs in the toilet, they magicaly reappear in my pocket."

-Don't lie to me. -says the officer.

"Let me show you then."

So the officer allows him to show it. A man takes out ...

I’m worried that I’ll get arrested for vandalism.

The cops haven’t come after me yet, but the writing’s on the wall.

In other news..... Police arrested a musician for stealing

Police apprehended a musician for stealing the right half of the piano.

He was in treble.

UK police today arrested a man for shooting a starting pistol at someone.

They are treating the offence as race related.

An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet.

As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.

He rushes to the phone and calls 000 (911)

"I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!"...

A muslim woman is getting arrested

The police officer handcuffs her

“You have the right to remain silent” he says.

She suddenly starts laughing. The police officer notices, and questions her behavior.

“Why, you see, I’m just happy to finally have a right!”

The German bakery near me had to shut down when the owner was arrested for theft

We should have known, the cakes were all Stollen.

The number 29 was murdered. The cops arrested all the numbers from 24 to 34.

But 31 was the prime suspect.

So when I donate a kidney I’m hailed as a hero, but when I donate 20 kidneys I get arrested?

Make up your mind hospitals!

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?

As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I recently got arrested for sexually harassing a statue…

That’s when I hit rock bottom

Robert Palmer was arrested for tax evasion

Apparently "she's so fine there's no telling where the money went" isn't a valid defence

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I was arrested for doing donuts in a parking lot.

Turns out that fucking pastries in public is illegal.

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He answered, "Call for backup."

My grandfather was arrested several times...

...for selling a phony immortality elixir.

Once in 1885, again in 1922, a third time in 1964, another time in December 2021...

Why was the belt arrested?

Because it held up a pair of pants!

What do you get when you try to crossbreed a human and a moose?

Arrested apparently

My friends were blocking highways in order to protest and were eventually arrested

For human trafficking

A man and his falcon are arrested for attempting an armed robbery

It seems like it'll be a couple of months before the pair can be tried in court, so it's up to the police to deal with them in the meantime. After much debate, they come to a decision, and the next morning an officer comes to the county jail and gestures for the man to follow him. The officer explai...

How many idiots does it take to arrest a protestor?

Apparently more than the entire Russian Riot Police combined, because they got the bicycle but the rider still got away.

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I saw 2 men in matching outfits I asked them if they were gay

They arrested me

Sam Bankman-Fried has been arrested

He is now Sam Bankman-Jailed

Police arrested a bank robber

To conceal evidence of his crime, the robber had swallowed over ten thousand dollars in unmarked bills.

Doctors are monitoring him closely but right now no change is expected.

I was arrested for having an unhealthy attraction to large amounts of data

They’re calling me a petaphile

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