I got arrested at Target for stealing a kitchen utensil once.

It was a whisk I was willing to take.

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long!

Officer: I’m arresting yoh for illegally downloading the entire wikipedia

Man: Wait I can explain everything!

The news today about a woman who injected her 8 year old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants. She has been arrested and lost custody.

The child didn’t look surprised.

Why did the police officer arrest the skeleton?

They could see the joint in his hand.

I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating politicians

I was literally in my office doing nothing...

Apparently the world tongue twister champion was recently arrested.

I hear they’re gonna give him a tough sentence

So when I donate a kidney I’m hailed as a hero, but when I donate 20 kidneys I get arrested?

Make up your mind hospitals!

A lady gets arrested for stealing a can of peaches and goes to court with her husband

“Lady, when you stole the can, how many peaches were in it?”

Four, answered the lady.

Then I’m gonna sentence you to four days in jail…

The husband then chimed in…

She also stole a can of peas

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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest for suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

A little old lady gets arrested for stealing a can of peaches from a grocery store.

At the trial, the judge asks her why she stole a can of peaches. She replies, "Your Honor, my husband and I don't have much, and we are very poor. I was simply trying to do something about my hunger."

The judge, feeling sorry for the old lady, asked, "How many peaches were in the can?"
...

Africans arrested in Saudi Arabia

A Togolese, Nigerian and a Ghanaian were arrested for drinking alcohol in Saudi Arabia.


The three of them were dragged in front of one of the princes, who said:


“You will get 50 lashes for the consumption of alcohol. However, since you are foreigners and did not know about the ...

Why did the officer arrest the masseuse?

She rubbed him the wrong way.

Police arrested

two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia.

I told them I could explain everything

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A flight is on its way to Paris when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Paris, and I’m staying right here”.

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that th...

A man was recently arrested after being found hiding in a wardrobe.

When the police asked him what he was doing there, he said ‘Narnia business’.

A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle, and is arrested for violating the Endangered Species Act. He pleads guilty, and throws himself on the mercy of the court.

"Your Honor," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again."

"You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. How...

I thought I’d be put in jail for resisting arrest

But as it turns out, insomnia isn’t a crime.

Did you hear that the Energizer Bunny was arrested last week?

Yeah it's crazy. He was charged with battery.

Man Gets Arrested For Creeping This Lady Out On A Bus. His Explanation Is Perfect.

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained...

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I punched a white man in the face and was arrested for assault..

The next day when I got out, I punched a black man in the face and was arrested for impersonating a police officer.

Why was the cow arrested for jumping over the moon?

Because it broke the laws of physics!!

(my son says he made this up himself!! can't find it anywhere else so maybe....)

The president of my chess club was arrested today.

Apparently he had a chequered past.

Why was the pigeon arrested in Washington?

For its involvement in an attempted coo

An Alabama man was recently arrested

He was arrested for streaking naked through a Clemson football game. When it was time for him to use his phone call, he called his mom.

When she answered, he explained to her what happened, and the only thing she said was

"you're an embarrassment to the family wreath."

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A man who is aroused by going to courthouses and listening to verdicts is eventually arrested for masturbating during a public trial

They tried him, and he got off on a technicality

A few years back “To Catch a Predator” host Chris Hanson was arrested for $13,000 in bounced checks

I swear, I thought it was $18,000

Two guys were arrested for stealing a calendar

they each got six months.

I'm so sorry....

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A doctor was arrested subsequent to having sex with a patient

His veterinary practice was promptly shut down

The number 29 was murdered. The cops arrested all the numbers from 24 to 34.

But 31 was the prime suspect.

These Farmers got arrested!

Did you hear why the celery farmer got arrested?

For stalking

Did you hear about the hay farmer that got arrested?

He’s out on bail

Did you hear about the root vegetable farmer that got arrested?

He beet up his friend with a potato and didn’t carrot all.

A Russian spy infiltrated in America is arrested

A Russian spy under the alias of “Joe Smith” is arrested by American officials. He is put in an interrogation room and confronted by an official, Agent Perry.

Smith: “I don’t understand, why am I being interrogated?”

Perry: “Drop the act, Smith, if that even is your real name. We know ...

A old woman was arrested on terrorism charges today

A elderly woman was arrested on terrorism charges at Heathrow airport today.

She had tried to bring a bomb onto a plane with her.

When questioned as to why she did such a thing she said she was deathly afraid of her plane being blown up by a terrorist and thought the chances of two bom...

Why can’t Mr. Ed talk about why he was arrested?

He was feeling a little horse

A man was arrested for stabbing..

when the police confronted him he said, officer, I was standing on the corner cleaning my nails with my knife, and this man came running. He ran right into my knife, eight times.

A man was arrested for public intoxication at the wine store

A man was arrested for public intoxication at the wine store.

At court he explains to the Judge that it was a case of a simple misunderstanding.

Judge: I don't see how this can be a misunderstanding. You were arrested for drinking straight out of the wine bottle at the register!
<...

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Schrodinger, Heisenberg and Ohm are all on a road trip...

Schrodinger, Heisenberg and Ohm are all on a roadtrip and they are zooming down a highway on a summer night. Heisenberg is driving, Schrodinger is riding shotgun and Ohm is in the back-seat tinkering with the light. They get pulled over for speeding.

The officer walks over to the driver's si...

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There was a guy whose sexual fetish was being harshly sentenced in court, so he committed a crime and was arrested and went to court.

The Judge let him go with no charges, said he's not getting off that easy.

There was this guy who found an ancient book. In that book he read that dolphins live forever if you feed them the meat of an eagle.

Some time later he came across a very sick eagle and thought: It's gonna die soon anyway, might as well take it to the dolphins at the local zoo to see if what's in the book is actually true. At night he climbed over a wall to get into the zoo – and found himself right in the lion enclosure! He mana...

Why did the chickpea get arrested?

He committed a Hummus-cide

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Woman talking to a police officer.

Woman: Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?

Police Officer: "Yes"

Woman: Can you arrest me for thinking something.?

Police Officer: "No"

Woman: I think you're a cunt.

A man got arrested for destroying all of the clocks in his neighborhood.

When he was asked why he did such a thing the man replied:
I just wanted to kill some time.

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A Monkey was arrested for throwing lit shit at zoo employees

3 were hospitalized with turd debris burns

Why was the alcoholic mathematician arrested by the police?

Drinking and deriving

My neighbour just got arrested for growing weed

I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was

I saw a couple wearing the same clothes the other day, so I went and compliment them.

They arrested me.

How many policemen does it take to change a light bulb?

5 policemen. 3 to arrest the lightbulb for being broke and 2 to beat the room for being black.

A politician was arrested at his office and found guilty of cannibalism

One of his colleagues had called the police on him after spotting him eating a ham sandwich

The police raided the kitchen of a restaurant where the chef was preparing Eggs Benedict

He was arrested for poaching.

A naked man was arrested after stealing a bicycle and riding away on it.

Police impounded the bicycle, but worry that the evidence is tainted.

You are under arrest

Police: You are under arrest!
Me: Why?
Police: Because you transport 6 people at once on a single motorcycle.
Me: Did you say six?
Police: that is correct, six!
Me: Damn it, we have lost Chantal.

A man was arrested for killing gang members, then cutting off their feet and taking them

When apprehended, the man said he had heard it was profitable to sell Crip toes.

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A redditor is being investigated for tax fraud

So he goes to the IRS bar at the bank with his attorney little Johnny.

The tax bartender asks him "you have no marketable skills, how do you make so much money?"

The redditor responds "I tell jokes, want to hear one? If you guess the punch line I'll pay you $69, if not you'll owe me $...

A man was arrested. . .

In the interrogation room he tells the cops, “I’m not saying a thing without my lawyer present!”

”Sir, you are a lawyer.”

”Exactly, where’s my present?”

RoboCop: you are under arrest!

"before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them?"

**RoboCop:** I’m going to let you off with a warning

What is house arrest for grown-ups?

"Your package will be delivered tomorrow between 9AM and 5PM."

What do parents say when the find out their son got arrested for setting a building on fire

“That’s arson!”

UK police today arrested a man for shooting a starting pistol at someone.

They are treating the offence as race related.

A hotel in Soviet Russia

And, as usual, since there isn't enough space available (ok, the other rooms are in even worse condition and the stoves ain't working, but I didn't tell you that) three men have to share a room. Two of them start drinking vodka and telling political jokes, laughing and joking all night while the thi...

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Out for a hike one day...

A man climbed to the highest point in his town for some sightseeing.

As he appreciated the view through his binoculars, he looked down and gazed upon the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen sunbathing nude in the valley.

A park ranger appeared and immediately placed him under arrest....

A wild man walked into a bar.

A big bulky man covered in filth and dirt walked into a bar and started to insult everyone.

He smashed the bottles and drank like a wild man. Soon everyone had left the bar in disgust.

Except for an old man, who just watched the wild man with interest.

So the wild man walked ov...

Why didn’t the police arrest the amputee?

He was unarmed.

What did Pablo Escobar say when he got arrested?

"And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you Medellín kids"

My ten year old was arrested for buying a lollipop

He was charged with under-age purchase from a licker store

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I almost got arrested on my way to a Pistons game

I recently moved to Michigan because of my new job. It was a step up from my previous dead-end one and of course, more pay meant more work which is why I try to enjoy the little free time that I have.

Being a huge NBA fan, I decided to catch a Pistons game at the Little Caesar's Arena. Howev...

Why did the police man arrest the duck.

Because he was selling quack.

The serial killer who used his car to run over people has finally been arrested

According to lawsuit analysts, he musthang.

A young Taiwanese boy asks his father a question:

(some things don't translate super well, I'll try my best)

He asks: "Dad, I heard some strange words at school today, and I don't know what they mean."

His dad responds, "Hmm... Tell me what they are. I'll try to explain them as best I can."

The boy asks the following: "What's '...

A man got arrested for having drugs in his pocket.

"Officer," he said, "I can explain."

-How? -the officer replied.

"Every time I throw those drugs in the toilet, they magicaly reappear in my pocket."

-Don't lie to me. -says the officer.

"Let me show you then."

So the officer allows him to show it. A man takes out ...

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Did you hear about the mime who was arrested for masturbating in public?

The police thought he'd put up a fight, but he came quietly.

Why did Soviet policemen always walk around in groups of three?

One could read, and was needed to read ID documents in case of an arrest.

One could write, and was needed to write down the names for punishment.

The third one was needed to keep an eye on these two dangerous intellectuals.

I read today in the local newspaper that a barber in the city was arrested for drug trafficking

I was his client for a long time but I didn't know he was a barber

Arguing with a woman is like being arrested…

Everything you say can and will be used against you.

A cardiologist was taken into custody after it was found he was using recordings of sick patients in his music.

He was arrested for his sick beats

Why was the bad photographer arrested?

Indecent exposure

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time.
I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use.
I'll see you back in court Monday.

"On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you ...

Why did the blonde woman get arrested on the runway?

For hiding in plane sight.

My dad was arrested for persistently stealing the equipment of beach lifeguards...

I blame myself that I didn't see it sooner; after all, the last time I'd gone to see him there were plenty of red flags...

Did you hear about the train engineer from Mexico that was arrested for terrorism?

Authorities say he had loco motives.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are arrested and sentenced to death by firing squad, one by one.

While they wait to be executed they come up with a plan. Right before they are to be shot, each one will yell that some natural disaster or emergency is happening to distract the soldiers and they would be able to escape.

The brunette is first. As she hears the captain counting down to 0 she...

What is a pdf file

And why is my uncle under arrest for being one

Why did the police officer arrest the disco dancer?

Because he was killing the dance floor.

I plugged my phone into a power bank and now it has an arrest record...

it was charged with battery

Jesus Saves!

The light turned yellow, just in front of him.He did the right thing and stopped at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her cha...

The person who caused the Tour de France crash should be arrested and charged with genocide.

She tried to take out an entire race.

The Irish Army received reports of Russian spies in their barracks.

To find the spy, they put a can of Guinness at each soldier's bed during the night, the second morning, the Russian who drank the canned Guinness is then arrested.

The other barracks received the same report and try to do the same, they left a bottle of vodka by the bed of every soldier, the ...

Why did Lt. Commander Data get arrested?

Because he was being charged with a battery.

Two priests and an engineer travel back in time to the French Revolution

All three of them in short order find themselves arrested and sentenced to death by guillotine.

The first priest walks up the scaffold and gets strapped to the guillotine and the blade comes flying down and-- stops an inch above his neck! "It's a sign from God!" he cries. "You have to let me...

A man arrives at a hotel after a long train journey to Moscow, exhausted. He comes into a communal room and sees three other guys who are drunk and talking loudly

They are cracking anti-government jokes and laughing at president Putin. The man is annoyed that he can’t sleep so he hatches a plan. He walks out into a corridor and asks a staff member to bring him a cup of tea. He then comes back into the room and starts talking to the noisy fellows:

“Com...

A russian man was arrested...

A man in russia was arrested and sentenced to 25yrs in gulag.

He was sentenced 5yrs for saying gorbachev was an idiot, and a 20yr sentence for revealing state secrets.

So this guy is getting arrested and the officer tells him he doesn’t have to speak without his lawyer present.

When in jail, he consults his lawyer and asks...

Where the heck is my present?

My neighbourhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been a customer for 6 years.

I never knew he was a barber.

The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.

When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983..

Why did the police officer arrest the chef?

For beating the eggs and whipping the cream.

A guy is out hunting and sees a hawk flying high above him, so he shoots it. As he's retrieving the dead bird a game warden happens by and arrests him for killing a federally protected bird of prey.

At the courtroom, the man tells the judge he's been out of work for many months and only shot the hawk because he hadn't eaten in days. The judge decides to let him off with 6 months probation.

As the guy is leaving the judge says, "hey, what does hawk taste like anyway?"

The guy say...

A couple went Christmas shopping with their three young children.

After hours of traipsing around toyshops and hearing their kids ask for every item on the shelves, they were totally fed-up. Weighed down with the bags, they squeezed into the crowded elevator to take them to the parking garage.

The husband sighed aloud to nobody in particular, “Whoever star...

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A German pensioner has been given a 250 thousand euro fine after being arrested for having a world war two tank in his basement.

Locals said he had previously used the tank as a snowplough, until one cold winter where it broke down on the Eastern Front Lawn.

Why was the document arrested?

Because he was a PDF-file

A police officer is hammering furiously on a guy’s door. When the guy opens the door the officer says; “Do you know what GBH is?”

The guy say; “eh, no I don’t.”

The officers says; “Do you know what GTA is?”

The guy is just as clueless and says no.

The officers pushes on unperturbed; “Well, do you know what AS is then?”

The guy shakes his head and says; “ No officer, I don’t know what AS is. Why are ...

Why did the cameraman using a fast shutter speed get arrested?

He got done for indecent exposure.

A crow was arrested during lockdown for trying to organise a get together with many other fellow crows.

The police said he was arrested for attempted murder.

Did you hear about the crow who got arrested for trying to start a social club?

He was charged with attempted murder... I'll see myself out

A martial arts expert is arrested for murder.

When the case is taken to court, he is asked by the judge why he doesn't have a lawyer with him.

'I don't need a lawyer', the martial arts expert replies.

'Why not? It could really help your case if you have a defense lawyer' the judge says.

'No, thank you', the martial arts exp...

A school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport

A school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, an ancient wooden device called a "slide-rule"  as well as a code device called an "abacus" that he claimed was a calculator....

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Why was Darth Vader arrested for sexual assault?

He kept forcing himself on people.

A Man arrives at his small business first thing on Monday morning. He is met by the local Sheriff and his deputies, armed with a warrant for his arrest and a full search and Seizure of his business and assets.

After he is placed in handcuff and read his rights, a Slim mild mannered man in a suit approaches him and identifies himself as an IRS agent.

IRS Agent: “Are you Mr Jones who resides at 188 Boardwalk Rd?”

Mr Jones: “Yes I am”

IRS Agent: “Do you own and run ‘Jones: Fun house...

Mick Jagger and Keith Richards were arrested for allegedly breaking into a Spanish man's house

They reportedly took some of his belongings (only what they could carry). When the police asked the homeowner about it, he said "They took what they could, but then.... The Rolling Stones gathered no más."

Dr. Dre was arrested at a grocery store today.

He dropped too many beets.

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

I got arrested for fishing without a license at a dubstep festival.

The arresting officer yelled "drop the bass!"

You shoot a sick bird, but get arrested. Why?

Because it was an ill eagle shooting.

An old woman tells her husband that if he walks across the kitchen floor after she mops again she's going to kill him.

The next time she mops the kitchen floor he does it again. He gets the kitchen floor dirty and tracks water into the living room. She does as promised. Without saying a word she goes to their bedroom, gets his pistol out of the closet, and shoots him dead in his recliner.

Then she calls 911 ...

I recently took up a career installing worktops in kitchen, little did I know I would be arrested.

Turns out counter fitting is illegal!

Why cant zombies be arrested?

Because you'll never take them alive!

My neighbor who was a first grade teacher just got arrested for prostitution

I’ve know her for ten years

I never knew she was a teacher

Pete Townshend and Keith Moon were arrested last night after releasing 1000 pugs from a cosmetic company’s testing facility.

The Who let the dogs out.

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Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from you...

Why did the police arrest the crow?

They had probable caws.

When cops arrest a clinically insane person...

...are they busting a nut?

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