You are under arrest

Police: You are under arrest!
Me: Why?
Police: Because you transport 6 people at once on a single motorcycle.
Me: Did you say six?
Police: that is correct, six!
Me: Damn it, we have lost Chantal.

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Last night my girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed…

2 minutes later she told me all the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

I got arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia in its entirety

...before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything

My neighbour just got arrested for growing weed

I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was

Police arrested two kids yesterday

one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other off.

Did you hear about the Cop who arrested an innocent Iceberg because he thought it looked like the one that sunk the Titanic?

He was fired for Glacial Profiling.

The world champion tongue twister got arrested.

I hear they’re going to give him a tough sentence.

Why did the duck get arrested?

Cuz he got caught selling quack.

Did you hear about the chemist who was arrested?

He threw sodium chloride at his wife, that's a salt.

Why did the police arrest the dog?

Because he had some unpaid barking tickets

Why did the police officer arrest the artist as a murder suspect?

He was a sketchy dude.

Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?

As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?"

A man gets arrested for selling alcohol without a permit. He gets a lawyer who tells to not to worry, he’s got a fool-proof defense. The day of the trial arrives, and the lawyer address the jury. “Ladies and gentlemen, take a good long look at my client...

...do you think, if he had even a drop of alcohol in his possession, that he would sell it?”

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My girlfriend dressed up as a police officer, handcuffed me to the bed, and told me I was under arrest for being good in bed.

Then she shot me seven times in the chest.

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I saw 2 men in matching outfits I asked them if they were gay

They arrested me

Why did the cops arrest the two crows before more could arrive?

Attempted murder.

There was probable caws.

A man was arrested today for assaulting a legless man on the subway.

Turns out he was lack toes intolerant.

Why did the man get arrested after illegally downloading "Every Breath You Take"?

The file was created by The Police as part of a Sting operation.

The guy from the damn Daniel vine was arrested for kidnapping children.

You could say that he was back at it again with the white vans.

Why was the duck arrested?

Selling quack.

Why was the teacher arrested?
For doing math.

Why was the poet arrested?
For using heroines.

I was arrested for being bad with directions, but I didn't incriminate myself.

I know my rights.

So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman...

...were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to ...

I have a friend in Atlanta who was arrested for sodomy.

His lawyer was so good he got it knocked down to “following too closely”.

Why was 888 arrested?

Self-cannibalism.

I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating a politician!

I was just sitting around, doing nothing!

Fun fact: there is a bank you can go to get gold without being arrested.

It’s called a riverbank.

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I got arrested and put on a watch-list at an air port.

All i did was yell "This shit is the bomb!" after trying a Snickers bar.

Why can zombies never be arrested

Cuz you'll never take them alive.

I was forcefully arrested for blowing bubbles outside.

Even Bubbles was speechless.

I guess working in the Mute Society just isn’t for me.

Indian army have arrested a pigeon - on suspicion of being a Pakistani spy

Apparently he was trying to stage a coo

A barber in my town was arrested for illegal drug trade. It was shocking, I have been his customer for years.

Never knew he was a barber.

Teacher arrested on airplane after bag was searched

A protractor, a ruler, a calculator, and a book of graph paper. He was charged with possessing implements of math instruction

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A young teenage girl was making a living as a prostitute

and for obvious reasons she kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but littl...

A priest, a rabbi and a buddhist monk get arrested for illegal gaming

They get in front of the judge. He starts questioning the priest first.
„Did you play poker yesterday?“
The priest mumbles a quick lord forgive me and answered „No“.
The judge turns to the rabbi and asks him:
„Did you play poker yesterday?“
The rabbi crosses his fingers behind his ...

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!!

That sentence was way too long...

A man got arrested for selling tropical fruit on the side of the road

As I was walking by I told the police
“Hey that man is just trying to make a living. Let that mango”

Your so ugly that when your mom dropped you off at school, she got arrested for littering.

Just a joke calm down

UK police today arrested a man for shooting a starting pistol at someone.

They are treating the offence as race related.

A policeman arrests a well dressed man in a suit and tie, walking down the Main Street of the city talking on his cell.

The man has a desk strapped to his back, complete with laptop, printer and filing cabinet. He has a dustbin on his head.

“Hold on councillor, I have a policeman trying to arrest me, and I haven’t got a clue why.” He turns and asks “What are the charges?”

“Impersonating an office, Sir”

My son’s kindergarten teacher was arrested for heroin possession…

In hindsight, the small pupils were a dead giveaway…

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A criminal gets arrested. NSFW

After the arrest he is put into his usual cell. After entering the cell he greets everyone as he is familiar with all of them. After the greetings, he notices an unfamiliar guy sitting alone in the corner that he has never seen before.
"First time?" He asks. The stranger nods in agreement. "What ...

Why China is arresting people for spreading misinformation?

Because spreading misinformation is government's job.

Just found out that my gym teacher got arrested for selling drugs, and I was pretty shocked to hear the news

I had no idea he was a gym teacher

Police have arrested the World tongue-twister Champion.

If found guilty he'll be given a tough sentence.

Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering A minor.

One day I punched a white guy and I got arrested for assault,

The next day I punched a black guy and got arrested for impersonating a police officer.

Why did police arrest the guitarist in the park who was surrounded by kids?

He fingered the wrong minor.

A police officer was brought to the stand to testify on behalf of his partner who was accused of making a wrongful arrest.

“Your honor,” the cop began “my partner on duty has always been my closest friend and my most trustworthy work associate. I trust this man with my life and I believe that speaks volumes for his character.”

“Objection, your honor!” Said the plaintiff’s lawyer.

“Sustained,” said the judg...

I got arrested today for putting my arm in a campfire.

I got charged with “waving a fire arm”

Recently a teacher got arrested...

Police found a pencil, ruler and notebook. Allegedly he was part of the Al-Gebra network and possessed weapons of math instruction.

3 ducks get arrested and have to go before a judge

The judge calls on the first duck. “State your name and tell me why you were arrested.”

Duck 1: “my name is Quack and I was arrested for blowing bubbles in the park”

The judge, a little annoyed, says, “That’s not a crime! You shouldn’t be here. You are free to go. Next!”

Duck 2 ...

A cop tried arrest me for indecent exposure once.

He had to let me go due to lack of evidence.

My arm is on fire, quick somebody put me out before I get arrested!

I don't want to be put in jail for illegal possession of a firearm.

Did you hear they arrested the Energizer bunny?

Yeah, assault with a battery.

Apparently he just kept going on the guy.

I hear they're charging him.

Three dealers get arrested and sent to jail ...

One of them sells cocaine, an other one sells acid and the last one sells weed.

Once they're alone, the coke dealer says "Ok, I've got a plan. I managed to keep a little bit of coke with me, so we're gonna snort a little line and then we'll be strong enough to break the wall and run away from...

True story but funny.

While filling my car up i noticed a woman smoking while filling her car up, silly thing to do but I know better than to confront strangers about their stupidity.



I see 2 cops on the other side of the street, they can see her but they aren't doing anything about it... tax dollars in ac...

A stand-up comedian was arrested after killing a man for laughing too loud during his set

He was charged with hahamicide

With the Coronavirus lockdown going on I was almost arrested just for running around in the park!

Granted I was naked, but clothes are itchy.

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Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.

The inspector released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."

I was arrested for stealing and burying a very valuable Royal Fern

...but I know the police planted it.

A Facebook friend of mine got arrested today

Dude's been posting about drug dealers.

Can't say I'm surprised, the writing was on the wall.

What did Tommy get when his birthday party was held during the epidemic?

Arrested

A thief was arrested for stealing the world’s finest perfume.

It was a *fragrant violation* of the law.

A man in Shanghai named Sam wakes up one morning to find...

A man in Shanghai named Sam wakes up one morning to find that his car, a Mustang, has had all the internal components removed, leaving only a hollow, useless shell. He calls the police and soon an investigative team arrives.


The lead investigator approaches the victim and says "It appear...

What do you get when you cross human DNA with a goat?

Arrested and Banned from the petting zoo

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blondes...

A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket. She then informs the blonde that she has only paid for economy and will have to sit in the back....

An elderly woman is arrested for stealing a can of peaches and is brought before the judge.

The judge asks: "How many peaches were in the can?"

The elderly woman replied: "Six, Your Honor."

Judge: "In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach."

Her husband raises his hand and says:

"Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Thesaurus' crashed on the highway last Thursday.

According to the Daily news, witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, surprised, dumbfounded, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, boggled, horrified, numbed, and perplexed that items falling off ...

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A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you."

The man replies, "Boobs!"

The Apple Store in my city was looted and thieves took off with $100K worth of products.

Police make no arrests and say they were were able to recover both computers.

Why was the Cat arrested?

He committed a feline-y.

A muslim woman is getting arrested

The police officer handcuffs her

“You have the right to remain silent” he says.

She suddenly starts laughing. The police officer notices, and questions her behavior.

“Why, you see, I’m just happy to finally have a right!”

Did you hear about the Ironworkers who were arrested for selling drugs?

Yea, apparently those who smelt also dealt

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young black man finds a genie in a lamp..

A young American black man finds a genie in a lamp. He gives it a rub, and a genie emerges, exclaiming “All behold the most powerful genie!! My might is unparalleled, my power is tremendous, and I shall grant you 3 wishes for freeing me from my prison...”

The black man says “Ok... For my firs...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

THE BLONDE COWBOY

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde
Cowboy coming down the street with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun,
And his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you dressed like
This?'

T...

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, she had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 2...

I was arrested at the bank for indecent exposure

It wasn't my fault though. I was having trouble swiping my card through the machine and the teller said, "strip down facing me"

Did you hear about the guy arrested for excavating in his back yard?

He was a miner offender

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Farmer Johnson was caught by his neighbor having sex with his goat.

She called the authorities and had him arrested. Farmer Johnson was very concerned and asked one of his buddies if he knew a good lawyer. The friend said that he knew a lawyer that wasn’t a good trial lawyer, but, he was extremely talented at picking jurors.

On the day of the trial the neighb...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A panda walks into a bar

He asks the bartender for a sandwich. Upon consuming it, he pulls out a pistol and shoots the bartender, then leave.

After a chase ensued the police begin to apprehend the panda. However, due to his size, they can't do it without the panda's co-operation, and every time the police try to rest...

Did you hear about the dude who was arrested for lighting his farts?

He was charged with arsin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the perverted cat get arrested?

Because he got caught watching kitty porn.

Did you hear about the programmer who was apprehended before he could check in his code?

He was arrested for a crime; he didn’t commit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a prison and a police department?

One is full of ruthless, degenerate scum with no respect for the law. The other is full of people they arrested.

I was arrested the other day for wearing nothing but saran wrap underwear in public.

The officer said he was going to put me on a 72-hour psychiatric hold.

When I asked him why, he said, "I can clearly see you're nuts."

I got arrested for doing calculus drunk.

The officer told me to never drink and derive.

What was the man arrested for after blowing up a Chinese restaurant?

Wonton violence

Got arrested at the airport last week.

Apparently, security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.

Why did the eagle with a cold get arrested?

He was an ill-eagle.

The Invisible Man has a warrant out for his arrest.

The charge is "Failure to appear".

Why do middle aged white executives not have a problem with quarantine?

Because they're under house arrest anyway

Why did the penny arrest the nickel?

He could because he was a copper.

The nickel refused to stop on a dime even though he was only a quarter way through the intersection. He hit 50 cent (who was crossing on the crosswalk) and thought it was a buck.

A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.

He still has the right to remain silent.

An android inexplicably shut down in the middle of a bar fight.

She was later arrested and charged with battery.

Why do Chinese people scream when getting arrested?

They don't even have the right to remain silent.

3 men are arrested...

Three men; a Russian, a swede, and a German have been arrested, and they've all been given a 6 month sentence.



Their warden however, is friendly and grants them all a 6 month supply of anything they want.



Upon hearing this, the Russian man jumps up in joy,


...

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