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Arrest Jokes

You are under arrest

Police: You are under arrest!
Me: Why?
Police: Because you transport 6 people at once on a single motorcycle.
Me: Did you say six?
Police: that is correct, six!
Me: Damn it, we have lost Chantal.

My neighbour just got arrested for growing weed

I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was

A Serb, a Croat and a Bosniak are arrested in Iran for drinking alcohol.

The court sentences them to 10 whip lashes each, but everyone is allowed to make a special request beforehand.

First up is the Serb. "I request a pillow strapped on my back!" he says. After 2 lashes it rips apart and his back gets completely torn open.

Second up is the Croat. "I reques...

A man was arrested and taken to an interrogation room

He says to the police officer, "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present."

"You are the lawyer," says the policeman.

"Exactly, so where's my present?"

Why was the piano teacher arrested?

He kept fingering A minor.

I got arrested at Target for stealing a kitchen utensil once.

It was a whisk I was willing to take.

A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle, and is arrested for violating the Endangered Species Act. He pleads guilty, and throws himself on the mercy of the court.

"Your Honor," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again."

"You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. How...

Andrew Tate arrested in Romania after a pizza box showed he was in the country. Police arrested him within 30 minutes

As any longer would mean they had to give him a free garlic bread.

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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest for suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

When cops arrest a clinically insane person...

...are they busting a nut?

Did you hear they arrested the devil?

Yeah, they got him on possession.

I got arrested at the airport last week...

Apparently, security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.

Police have arrested the World tongue-twister Champion.

I imagine he'll be given a tough sentence.

I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating a politician!

I was just sitting there doing nothing!

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs..

I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber

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Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time.
I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use.
I'll see you back in court Monday.

"On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you ...

A man was arrested for telling a joke which called Vladimir Putin stupid.

He was tried and sentenced to 15 years and 3 months in a work camp.


When asked about the strangely specific sentence, the judge explained that he gave 3 months for insulting the president, and 15 years for divulging state secrets.

A Russian spy infiltrated in America is arrested

A Russian spy under the alias of “Joe Smith” is arrested by American officials. He is put in an interrogation room and confronted by an official, Agent Perry.

Smith: “I don’t understand, why am I being interrogated?”

Perry: “Drop the act, Smith, if that even is your real name. We know ...

I got arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia in its entirety

...before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything

Police arrested two kids yesterday

one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other off.

I was arrested for drinking battery acid.

But I wasn’t charged.

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I got arrested for killing a black man.

They charged me with impersonating a police officer.

How do you arrest a Roman woman?

Caesar.

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"You're under arrest, anything you say CAN and WILL be held against you"

"Boobs!! Boobs!! Big boobs!!"

A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code

He refused to comment

I tried to start farming crows, until I was arrested.

They charged me with attempted murder.

Why did the cop arrest the lonely crow?

He had him on probable caws for an attempted murder.

Why did the police officer arrest the skeleton?

They could see the joint in his hand.

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An Army officer was arrested completely nude, chasing a woman through a hotel lobby.

His lawyer was shrewd and got him freed on a technicality. Army regulations specifically state an officer need not be in uniform, provided he is properly attired for the activity in which he is engaged.

The creator of winrar is arrested

His trial is expected to last forever

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Woman talking to a police officer.

Woman: Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?

Police Officer: "Yes"

Woman: Can you arrest me for thinking something.?

Police Officer: "No"

Woman: I think you're a cunt.

A crow was arrested an put behind bars.

His lawyer, a lawyer bird obviously, visited him.
"How bad is it?" The crow asked.

"Pretty bad." The lawyer bird replied. "They had a warrant to go through your phone."

"So what?" The crow said. "I've got nothing to hide."

"They found the texts to your friends." The lawyer b...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are arrested and sentenced to death by firing squad, one by one.

While they wait to be executed they come up with a plan. Right before they are to be shot, each one will yell that some natural disaster or emergency is happening to distract the soldiers and they would be able to escape.

The brunette is first. As she hears the captain counting down to 0 she...

A cop arrests 3 ducks who were in the pond late at night.

He asks the first one: “What are you doing in the pond so late?” First duck replies “Blowing bubbles.” The cop rolls his eyes and asks the second duck: “And what were you doing in the pond so late?” The second duck answers: “Blowing bubbles.” He turns to the third duck: “And what were you doing? Lem...

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Did you hear about the man arrested for sexual relations with a sheep?

He's no longer on the lam.

my friend was arrested for stealing luggage from airport, his trial didn't last more than an hour

It was a brief case

An actor suffering from dementia just hit my car. I got him arrested..

As he was getting arrested he kept saying “do you know who I am???”

What’s the difference between Brazil and the USA?

About 1500 arrests within 48 hours of an attempted coup.

Two guys were arrested for stealing a calendar

they each got six months.

I'm so sorry....

If the police arrest a mime,

do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party.

He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover

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Heisenberg, Schrödinger, and Ohm are on a road trip…

Heisenberg, Schrödinger, and Ohm are on a road trip, and they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him, “Do you know how fast you were going?”

“No, but I know exactly where I am” Heisenberg replies.

The cop says “You were going 80 miles an hour.” Heisenberg throws up...

Three ducks got arrested and had to go to court

The first duck gets up on the stand, the judge says "Tell me your name and what you did wrong." The first duck says "my name is Quack, and I got busted for blowing bubbles in the pond." Judge says "Ok, you go to jail for 3 days."

The second duck gets on the stand and the judge asks the same t...

Why was the Movie Director arrested?

He made a huge scene in public.

What was the chef arrested for?

>!For a salt and batter!<

Three men are in prison in Soviet Russia...

... And they start explaining how they wound up in prison.

The first man says, "I was five minutes late to work, so I was arrested for sabotaging Soviet productivity."

The second man says, "I was five minutes early so I was arrested for espionage, spying on Russian industrial secrets."...

Recent political joke circulating in China

Three men who don’t know each other sits in a prison cell. Each explains why he was arrested.

The first man said: “I opposed covid testing.”

The second man said: “I supported covid testing.”

The third man said: “I administered the covid tests.”

Why was the mime arrested?

He committed an unspeakable crime

My friend was arrested for spray painting graffiti and he tried to deny it.

But…the writing was on the wall.

What do you get when you try to crossbreed a human and a moose?

Arrested apparently

In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes (old Soviet joke)

"What did they arrest you for?" asks the first. "Was it a political or common crime?"

"Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven ...

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You are being arrested by the silent orgasm police!

Please come quietly

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I saw 2 men in matching outfits I asked them if they were gay

They arrested me

An elderly woman is arrested for stealing a can of peaches and is brought before the judge.

The judge asks: "How many peaches were in the can?"

The elderly woman replied: "Six, Your Honor."

Judge: "In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach."

Her husband raises his hand and says:

"Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."

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Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.

"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"

"Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."

"What about if I were just to think it?...

A student got arrested for taking home parts from the human anatomy lab

He said he was just trying to keep abreast

Why did the duck get arrested?

He got caught selling quack.

How do you arrest a beam of light?

You put it in a prism cell.

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Why did the mule farmer get arrested?

He had his ass out in public.

Did you hear the Energizer Bunny got arrested?

He was charged with battery.

A muslim woman is getting arrested

The police officer handcuffs her

“You have the right to remain silent” he says.

She suddenly starts laughing. The police officer notices, and questions her behavior.

“Why, you see, I’m just happy to finally have a right!”

A neutron was recently arrested for robbery...

...but it wasn't charged.

Did you see there's an arrest warrant out for Schrodinger's Cat?

He's wanted dead and alive.

What is a pdf file

And why is my uncle under arrest for being one

A dentist in my town just got arrested for selling drugs!

It's amazing what secrets people can keep. I've been going to him for over ten years and I never knew he was a dentist!

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long!

What crime was the redwood arrested for?

High TREEason...

I'll make like a tree, see my way out

The creator of WinRAR was arrested and put on trial

The trial was supposed to last 40 days, but it keeps on going

Why didn’t the ghost get arrested for stealing?

Because possession is nine tenths of the law.

I got arrested the other day for holding a little girl's hand

They wanted to know where the rest of her body was

Why did the Stazi need 3 officers per arrest?

1 to write down the testimony,
1 to hear the testimony,
And 1 to watch over the dangerous intellectuals

The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.

When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983..

What is house arrest for grown-ups?

"Your package will be delivered tomorrow between 9AM and 5PM."

Man Gets Arrested For Creeping This Lady Out On A Bus. His Explanation Is Perfect.

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained...

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I was watching the news this morning when the presenter said..

"A man has been arrested after half a million indecent images of children were found at his home in Bradford. Our reporter Gary O'Donoghue has more."

Gary, you filthy bastard.

How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?

They don't, they arrest the bulb for being broke and beat the room for being black.

My wife is furious I bought a 12-year-old whiskey.

And the kid's mother tried to get me arrested.

Why was the belt arrested?

Because it held up a pair of pants!

Did you hear about the baker that got arrested?

He spent a dozen weeks in custardy

My grandfather was arrested several times...

...for selling a phony immortality elixir.

Once in 1885, again in 1922, a third time in 1964, another time in December 2021...

A man got arrested for having drugs in his pocket.

"Officer," he said, "I can explain."

-How? -the officer replied.

"Every time I throw those drugs in the toilet, they magicaly reappear in my pocket."

-Don't lie to me. -says the officer.

"Let me show you then."

So the officer allows him to show it. A man takes out ...

Robert Palmer was arrested for tax evasion

Apparently "she's so fine there's no telling where the money went" isn't a valid defence

Police arrested a bank robber

To conceal evidence of his crime, the robber had swallowed over ten thousand dollars in unmarked bills.

Doctors are monitoring him closely but right now no change is expected.

Why did the officer arrest the masseuse?

She rubbed him the wrong way.

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The other day I was pulled over by a cop and arrested…

Him: Do you have any idea why I pulled you over, sir?

Me: No, officer

Him: I’ve pulled you over because you were all over the road, have you been drinking tonight, sir?

Me: No, officer

Him: Okay, I’m going to get you to say the alphabet backwards for me, okay?

Me...

In other news..... Police arrested a musician for stealing

Police apprehended a musician for stealing the right half of the piano.

He was in treble.

Sam Bankman-Fried has been arrested

He is now Sam Bankman-Jailed

The police said they’d arrest me if I kept telling bad jokes.

I stopped because I was scared I would end up in punitentiary.

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I recently got arrested for sexually harassing a statue…

That’s when I hit rock bottom

Africans arrested in Saudi Arabia

A Togolese, Nigerian and a Ghanaian were arrested for drinking alcohol in Saudi Arabia.

The three of them were dragged in front of one of the princes, who said:

“You will get 50 lashes for the consumption of alcohol. However, since you are foreigners and did not know about the prohibit...

Did you hear about the pilot that wasn't allowed to fly because of a house arrest?

He was grounded

A man was recently arrested after being found hiding in a wardrobe.

When the police asked him what he was doing there, he said ‘Narnia business’.

A little old lady gets arrested for stealing a can of peaches from a grocery store.

At the trial, the judge asks her why she stole a can of peaches. She replies, "Your Honor, my husband and I don't have much, and we are very poor. I was simply trying to do something about my hunger."

The judge, feeling sorry for the old lady, asked, "How many peaches were in the can?"
...

A man was arrested for trying to attract crows to his garden.

He was convicted of attempted murder.

I’m worried that I’ll get arrested for vandalism.

The cops haven’t come after me yet, but the writing’s on the wall.

I told a joke to Optimus Prime at Universal the other day, and I was arrested.

Apparently they frown upon
Vehicular man’s laughter.

BREAKING: Jeff Dahmer's former landlord arrested.

He used to charge an arm and a leg for rent.

Why was the child’s blanket arrested?

For being an accessory to a kid napping.

Why didn’t the police arrest the amputee?

He was unarmed.

Why was the gemstone sales man arrested?

He was found doing crystal math

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I was arrested for doing donuts in a parking lot.

Turns out that fucking pastries in public is illegal.

UK police today arrested a man for shooting a starting pistol at someone.

They are treating the offence as race related.

House Arrest

There's a convenience store in North Carolina that's right on the beach. It's on stilts so it doesn't get swept away. But the stilts got arrested for holding up a convenience store!!!

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A fight breaks out at a Newfie wedding...

Chairs are flying and women are crying. The police show up and arrest all the men involved in the scuffle.

They all are brought to the court house and all you hear is chatter. "Order in my court", screams the judge. "Can someone come up and please explain what happened?".

Jimmy speaks...

Why did the Mexican train conductor get arrested?

He had Loco motives

Why was the alcoholic mathematician arrested by the police?

Drinking and deriving

How many idiots does it take to arrest a protestor?

Apparently more than the entire Russian Riot Police combined, because they got the bicycle but the rider still got away.

An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet.

As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.

He rushes to the phone and calls 000 (911)

"I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!"...

A police officer responding to a gunshot call called his police chief.

"We got an old lady who shot her husband for walking on the floor after she just mopped it," he reported.

"Have you arrested her?" the chief asked.

"Nope. The floor's still wet," he replied.

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Why was the Chinese pornstar arrested?

For erection fraud

A driver was arrested after a deadly accident...

Policeman: How could you kill 49 people? What the Hell is wrong with you?

Driver: I was driving at 80 km/h when I saw two men crossing the Road. On the road side, there was a wedding party. I wanted to apply the Breaks, but then I realised they were not working. So, I had to take a decision; ...

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