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Arrest Jokes

Andrew Tate arrested in Romania after a pizza box showed he was in the country. Police arrested him within 30 minutes

As any longer would mean they had to give him a free garlic bread.

A cop arrests 3 ducks who were in the pond late at night.

He asks the first one: “What are you doing in the pond so late?” First duck replies “Blowing bubbles.” The cop rolls his eyes and asks the second duck: “And what were you doing in the pond so late?” The second duck answers: “Blowing bubbles.” He turns to the third duck: “And what were you doing? Lem...

I was arrested for smoking a bunch of weed and plucking my eyebrows.

They charged me with high tweezin'

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"You're under arrest, anything you say CAN and WILL be held against you"

"Boobs!! Boobs!! Big boobs!!"

Did you hear that the Energizer bunny got arrested?

He was charged with battery.

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Two strangers were arrested for having sex on a plane

You know who I feel bad for?

The guy in the middle seat.

my friend was arrested for stealing luggage from airport, his trial didn't last more than an hour

It was a brief case

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The other day I was pulled over by a cop and arrested…

Him: Do you have any idea why I pulled you over, sir?

Me: No, officer

Him: I’ve pulled you over because you were all over the road, have you been drinking tonight, sir?

Me: No, officer

Him: Okay, I’m going to get you to say the alphabet backwards for me, okay?

Me...

In other news..... Police arrested a musician for stealing

Police apprehended a musician for stealing the right half of the piano.

He was in treble.

Did you hear about the baker that got arrested?

He spent a dozen weeks in custardy

Robert Palmer was arrested for tax evasion

Apparently "she's so fine there's no telling where the money went" isn't a valid defence

The German bakery near me had to shut down when the owner was arrested for theft

We should have known, the cakes were all Stollen.

What’s the difference between Brazil and the USA?

About 1500 arrests within 48 hours of an attempted coup.

Did you hear about the pilot that wasn't allowed to fly because of a house arrest?

He was grounded

Why was the duck arrested?

He was selling quack

If the police arrest a mime,

do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

My friends were blocking highways in order to protest and were eventually arrested

For human trafficking

How do you arrest a beam of light?

You put it in a prism cell.

Recent political joke circulating in China

Three men who don’t know each other sits in a prison cell. Each explains why he was arrested.

The first man said: “I opposed covid testing.”

The second man said: “I supported covid testing.”

The third man said: “I administered the covid tests.”

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You are being arrested by the silent orgasm police!

Please come quietly

Why did the fat man get arrested for smuggling?

He was carrying a 'pot'-belly.

Ffs got arrested at the airport just for greeting my brother.

All I said was "Hi, Jack!"

A man and his falcon are arrested for attempting an armed robbery

It seems like it'll be a couple of months before the pair can be tried in court, so it's up to the police to deal with them in the meantime. After much debate, they come to a decision, and the next morning an officer comes to the county jail and gestures for the man to follow him. The officer explai...

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My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

After a quick trial I was released due to lack of evidence.

Why was the belt arrested?

Because it held up a pair of pants!

Sam Bankman-Fried has been arrested

He is now Sam Bankman-Jailed

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Did you hear about the guy who got arrested for putting his penis in a bowl of Coco Pops?

They said he was a cereal sex offender

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I was arrested for doing donuts in a parking lot.

Turns out that fucking pastries in public is illegal.

Police arrested a bank robber

To conceal evidence of his crime, the robber had swallowed over ten thousand dollars in unmarked bills.

Doctors are monitoring him closely but right now no change is expected.

Our local pizza guy has been arrested for selling drugs

I have been a loyal customer for years. I honestly had no idea he was selling pizzas

Why did Quentin Tarantino get arrested for his foot fetish?

He got off on the wrong foot.

I got arrested at Target for stealing a kitchen utensil once.

It was a whisk I was willing to take.

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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest for suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long!

Breaking News: Local man hit his wife with a power cell which had its top and bottom coated in electrolytes

He has been arrested for a salt-end battery.

Did you hear that Herschel Walker tried to run over some kids and was arrested attempted vehicular manslaughter

In fairness, there was a sign "Drive like your kids live here".

Leonardo DiCaprio: "Hold my beer."

Leo's girlfriend: "But I'll get arrested."

Did you hear about the crow that got arrested for trying to throw a party where nobody came?

He got charged with attempted murder

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A man has been arrested after allegedly plotting to enslave humanity and force everyone to make butter.

The suspect has said he just wanted to watch the world churn.

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Woman arrested on false charges for putting a finger up her asshole.

Normally the police wouldn't have been interested, but once her asshole had told the other assholes down at the precinct the cronyism took over.

Why was the gemstone sales man arrested?

He was found doing crystal math

Did you see there's an arrest warrant out for Schrodinger's Cat?

He's wanted dead and alive.

Why did the Stazi need 3 officers per arrest?

1 to write down the testimony,
1 to hear the testimony,
And 1 to watch over the dangerous intellectuals

Why did the criminal get arrested on his 18th birthday?

He committed adultery.

A man was arrested for telling a joke which called Vladimir Putin stupid.

He was tried and sentenced to 15 years and 3 months in a work camp.


When asked about the strangely specific sentence, the judge explained that he gave 3 months for insulting the president, and 15 years for divulging state secrets.

I just found out my neighborhood barber was arrested for dealing drugs!

I've been his customer for 25 years and I never knew he was a barber.

Why did the police officer arrest the skeleton?

They could see the joint in his hand.

Why did the Mexican train conductor get arrested?

He had Loco motives

An old woman was arrested at the airport today on drug smuggling charges

Customs officials searched her underwear and found a kilo of crack.

My grandfather was arrested several times...

...for selling a phony immortality elixir.

Once in 1885, again in 1922, a third time in 1964, another time in December 2021...

BREAKING: Jeff Dahmer's former landlord arrested.

He used to charge an arm and a leg for rent.

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I recently got arrested for sexually harassing a statue…

That’s when I hit rock bottom

The police said they’d arrest me if I kept telling bad jokes.

I stopped because I was scared I would end up in punitentiary.

Why was the child’s blanket arrested?

For being an accessory to a kid napping.

A Russian boy sees his father being arrested by the FSB and asks, “Papa, why are you being taken to the Gulag?”

The father replies, “I don’t know son, I’m not interested in politics.”

Growing Weed

My neighbour just got arrested for growing Weed,

I guess the property line isn’t where i thought it was.

A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle, and is arrested for violating the Endangered Species Act. He pleads guilty, and throws himself on the mercy of the court.

"Your Honor," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again."

"You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. How...

When cops arrest a clinically insane person...

...are they busting a nut?

why was the sick eagle arrested and deported??

Cuz he was an ill eagle

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Little Igor was struggling with his home assignment

Little Igor was struggling with his home assignment so he went to his dad Mr. Igor for help.

Dad: what is this assignment about?

Little Igor: teacher asks us to write a sentence with the words country, party, people and citizen. And I don't know what these words mean.

Dad: you s...

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Why was the Chinese pornstar arrested?

For erection fraud

I was arrested for having an unhealthy attraction to large amounts of data

They’re calling me a petaphile

Two kids on my street got arrested today.

One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.

Only one of them was charged; the other was let off.

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A girl was arrested as a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them.

The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, “Why ar...

You are under arrest

Police: You are under arrest!
Me: Why?
Police: Because you transport 6 people at once on a single motorcycle.
Me: Did you say six?
Police: that is correct, six!
Me: Damn it, we have lost Chantal.

What do you get when you try to crossbreed a human and a moose?

Arrested apparently

I just got arrested for being too ugly. Can you bail me out?

Not you! Now we're both stuck in jail!

A man walks down the street in Soviet Russia and says to himself: “life here is so miserable”.

Two KGB agents come running yelling: “you are under arrest, we heard you”.
The man: "no no, you misunderstood me.. I said that life in America is miserable."
KGB Agents: "shut up, we know where life is miserable."

Went to a rock festival and got arrested for selling pot to The Police.

It was a Sting operation.

Did you hear about that cannibal who was arrested for making a pot roast outta their great-grandmother?

It was an old family recipe.

Apparently the world tongue twister champion was recently arrested.

I hear they’re gonna give him a tough sentence

An American man fled to Germany

The American police were after him after he killed nine people. The German police then found and arrested him. They took him to the station for questioning. Thankfully, the man did speak German. The German police had heard from the American police that this man never lies, which is true. So, the Ger...

The news today about a woman who injected her 8 year old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants. She has been arrested and lost custody.

The child didn’t look surprised.

I got arrested today - apparently it's "illegal" to shave, brush your teeth, make a phonecall, take a nap, have a glass of wine and read a newspaper.

Driving sucks nowdays.

A little old lady gets arrested for stealing a can of peaches from a grocery store.

At the trial, the judge asks her why she stole a can of peaches. She replies, "Your Honor, my husband and I don't have much, and we are very poor. I was simply trying to do something about my hunger."

The judge, feeling sorry for the old lady, asked, "How many peaches were in the can?"
...

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A woman was chatting to a police officer.

Woman: Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?

Police Officer: "Yes"

Woman: Can you arrest me for thinking something.?

Police Officer: "No"

Woman: I think you're a cunt.

A fighter pilot was arrested for attempting to set fire to his lover in bed

In court, the prosecutor asked him why on earth he would do such a thing.

The pilot met his eye and proudly declared:

"Sir, I am a highly decorated fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames."

Why did the Python data scientist get arrested at customs?

She was caught trying to import pandas!

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Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.
...

Why did they call it 'Possession of Marijuana' when they arrested people?

Wouldn't 'Joint Custody' be better!

I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating politicians

I was literally in my office doing nothing...

So when I donate a kidney I’m hailed as a hero, but when I donate 20 kidneys I get arrested?

Make up your mind hospitals!

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I punched a white man in the face and was arrested for assault..

The next day when I got out, I punched a black man in the face and was arrested for impersonating a police officer.

An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet.

As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.

He rushes to the phone and calls 000 (911)

"I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!"...

A drunk German was arrested in the middle of the street in Las Vegas

He complained to the judge that the police officer arrested him because he was "European".

The judge replied, "Sir, he said 'You were peeing!'"

Did you know, that if you take all of the human organs and spread them out on a football field.

You get arrested

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Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope..

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court...

A man in Russia was arrested for saying that Putin is an idiot and given a peculiar sentence to one year and fourteen days precisely in prison.

That’s fourteen days for criticising the government, and one year for revealing a state secret.

Two guys were arrested for stealing a calendar

they each got six months.

I'm so sorry....

How many idiots does it take to arrest a protestor?

Apparently more than the entire Russian Riot Police combined, because they got the bicycle but the rider still got away.

A mime in my town was arrested by the police after he broke his left hand in a bar fight.

He still….has the right to remain silent.

RoboCop: you are under arrest!

"before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them?"

**RoboCop:** I’m going to let you off with a warning

I thought I’d be put in jail for resisting arrest

But as it turns out, insomnia isn’t a crime.

Man Gets Arrested For Creeping This Lady Out On A Bus. His Explanation Is Perfect.

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained...

I got arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia in its entirety

...before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything

I was arrested for stealing board games, in my defence...

In life, you should take risks.

How do you know Jefferey Dahmer was a pretty normal guy?

He was having a friend for dinner when he was arrested.

A man was recently arrested after being found hiding in a wardrobe.

When the police asked him what he was doing there, he said ‘Narnia business’.

Police have arrested a gang of Corn Flakes that they alledge committed a spree of armed robberies throughout the metro area. A Police spokesman described them as...

....cereal offenders.

My father loved playing old Zelda games growing up

So I surprised him by installing a modded version of Ocarina of Time on his PC for Christmas, and he started playing it right away when I told him. When he was breaking some vases, a fairy flew over to Link while flashing blue and red and said "Hey! Listen! You're under arrest!"

My dad turned...

I once petted an airport security dog hoping he'll let me sneak in some weed

Got arrested for possession and bribery.

What was the cat arrested for?

Charges of purr-jury

My mom got arrested for prostitution and I'm gutted

I never knew she was my mother

Did you hear about a man who got arrested for stealing hats?

He hat it coming.

A Russian spy infiltrated in America is arrested

A Russian spy under the alias of “Joe Smith” is arrested by American officials. He is put in an interrogation room and confronted by an official, Agent Perry.

Smith: “I don’t understand, why am I being interrogated?”

Perry: “Drop the act, Smith, if that even is your real name. We know ...

A man hands out printouts on Red Square. He's then arrested.

Once at the police station, the officers realize that his leaflets were empty. He says, "Everyone knows what the problem is, so why bother writing it down?"

A man was arrested for punching a librarian today.

I hope they throw the book at him.

Why did the officer arrest the masseuse?

She rubbed him the wrong way.

So a guy living in Afhganistan was arrested for constantly rebuilding a statue of St. Peter after people kept breaking it down.

He's a re-Pete offender

this was an original joke and please don't track my IP address I value my life

Africans arrested in Saudi Arabia

A Togolese, Nigerian and a Ghanaian were arrested for drinking alcohol in Saudi Arabia.


The three of them were dragged in front of one of the princes, who said:


“You will get 50 lashes for the consumption of alcohol. However, since you are foreigners and did not know about the ...

The number 29 was murdered. The cops arrested all the numbers from 24 to 34.

But 31 was the prime suspect.

What did the imposter comedian saw when he was arrested in the House of Lords?

"The real joker's in the commons!"

The daddest of my dad's dad jokes

Seriously, this is his favorite one:

A cop pulls over a man who appears to be chauffeuring a penguin in a limousine.

"Sir," barks the cop, "Is that a penguin you're driving around?"

"Yes it is," the driver responds cheerfully. "Is there a problem?"

"Of course there is! Th...

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A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the church was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little talk at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had s...

Why is it that when I eat people, I get arrested...

But when the Donners eat people, they get a Pass!

A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor...

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. “I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.” “Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant. “No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

If a child refuses a nap

are they resisting arrest?

Why did the influencer terrorist get arrested?

Because his tick tock blew up…

Artie the Assassin

There once was an assassin named Artie. Artie's specialty was killing his victims by choking them to death. One day, Artie was given a $10,000 contract to kill a sleazy stockbroker. Artie went to the stockbroker\`s office and choked him to death. Just as the stockbroker died, his secretary came ...

Why didn’t the police arrest the amputee?

He was unarmed.

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