I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating a politician!

I was just sitting there doing nothing!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

Why did the pianist get arrested?

Because he was fingering minors.

The Invisible Man has a warrant out for his arrest.

The charge is "Failure to appear".

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Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.

The inspector released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."

A man got arrested for downloading the complete WikiPedia...

It's OK though, he can explain everything!

Why did the police arrest the turkey?

They suspected fowl play.

I got arrested for doing calculus drunk.

The officer told me to never drink and derive.

The Energizer-Bunny was arrested recently...

...It was Charged with Battery.

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I saw 2 guys in matching outfits and asked if they were gay...

They arrested me.

An elderly woman is arrested for stealing a can of peaches and is brought before the judge.

The judge asks: "How many peaches were in the can?"

The elderly woman replied: "Six, Your Honor."

Judge: "In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach."

Her husband raises his hand and says:

"Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."

Why did the penny arrest the nickel?

The penny was a copper, see, and he busted the nickel for stopping on a dime.

The dime was a quarter way through the intersection when the nickel hit him.

At first the nickel thought he'd hit 50 cent.

But it was just some other young buck.

Police arrested two kids, one for eating batteries, the other for eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

The world tongue twister just got arrested by the police.

I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.

I got arrested for stealing Michael Jackson CDs

Turns out I’m not such a Smooth Criminal

A muslim woman is getting arrested

The police officer handcuffs her

“You have the right to remain silent” he says.

She suddenly starts laughing. The police officer notices, and questions her behavior.

“Why, you see, I’m just happy to finally have a right!”

I was arrested the other day for stealing people's electrons.

I was heavily charged,despite my victims say it was overall a positive experience.

Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor

(also this is not my joke I just thought it was good)

I got arrested at 12:00

The police officer said hands up.

They arrested Bob the barber for selling cocaine!

I've been his faithful customer for 5 years and I don't even know he's a barber!

Got arrested at the airport last week.

Apparently, security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.

My neighbour just got arrested for growing weed.

Turns out my property line is nowhere near where I thought it was.

Why did the duck get arrested?

because he was selling quack

A comedian was arrested after causing a 35 year old male to laugh himself to death.

Police are charging him with man's-laughter.

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole.…

That sentence was way too long.

I went to the store and got arrested because of a simple misunderstanding.

When the lady at the register said strip down facing me, it turns out she was talking about my credit card.

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Why did the IRS officer arrest the prostitute at the dinner party?

Because she was working under the table

I was arrested for allowing Gordon Sumner to remove my tonsils.

Turns out The Police were running a Sting operation.

My son’s kindergarten teacher was arrested for heroin possession

In hindsight, the small pupils were a dead giveaway

Why did the pancake get arrested?

It had committed multiple unwaffle actions.

A criminal is arrested and sent to jail [LONG]

The criminal had robbed a bank, but refused to tell the police where he stashed the money! Eventually, they give up trying to find it and just throw him in jail.

He gets letters from his wife and writes back, one day she writes; "It's a shame you're locked away. My back has been killing me, b...

A thief was recently arrested for stealing loaves of sourdough...

He was caught bread-handed

They arrested me for violating human rights...

...Good thing they didn't find all those human lefts.

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Why was the woman who stole the pair of breast implants arrested?

Identitty Theft

Did you hear about the demon that got arrested?

He was charged with possession.

The Police suddenly showed up at my house today and arrested my dog.

Reason? Unpaid barking tickets.

I dated a woman at work and got arrested.

Apparently cutting her in half to count the rings was my first mistake.

[LONG] A Man Gets Arrested

He gets introduced to his cell mate and they talk for a bit, turns out his cell mate has been here longer than anyone. After a while, someone in their cell block shouts "14!". A couple people giggle at this. The man ignores it, assuming it's some inside joke he won't understand for a while. After so...

Why did the military arrest all the pigeons?

They were starting a coo.

I tripped over my shoelaces one day and got arrested.

I guess it was a felony.

A crow was arrested an put behind bars.

His lawyer, a lawyer bird obviously, visited him.
"How bad is it?" The crow asked.

"Pretty bad." The lawyer bird replied. "They had a warrant to go through your phone."

"So what?" The crow said. "I've got nothing to hide."

"They found the texts to your friends." The lawyer b...

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A man is being arrested...

by a female police officer, who informs him,

“Anything you say can and will be held against you.”

The man says, “Boobs!”

A man in Alabama was arrested for murdering his wife, Sister and Cousin

He was charged with one count of murder

Husband: Honey, our son was just arrested for arson.

Wife: Who was arrested for what?

Husband: Arson.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was arrested for dipping his testicles into glitter at the craft store.

It was pretty nuts.

Why did the band kid get arrested?

He carried a sharp instrument into school!

3 men are arrested...

Three men; a Russian, a swede, and a German have been arrested, and they've all been given a 6 month sentence.



Their warden however, is friendly and grants them all a 6 month supply of anything they want.



Upon hearing this, the Russian man jumps up in joy,


...

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Last night my wife wore a police uniform in bed and said, "you've been arrested for being good in bed!"

Last night my wife wore a police uniform in bed and said, "you've been arrested for being good in bed!"

90 seconds later the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence

Why did the pair of pants get arrested?

They were high and waisted!

A man was arrested for stealing cat hairs to make whoopee cushions.

This was a criminal offense in Florida. He was brought before a judge who was a notorious cat lover. The jury consisted of only elderly spinsters. The man's lawyer requested for a different judge and jury, but his request was rejected. The court found the man "extremely guilty and a possible dog lov...

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How does one avoid an arrest for prostitution?

Make sure the camera is rolling. It's a porno right?

Why was the greek god arrested?

cuz it committed a misDEMETER

Newsflash: A Barber gets arrested for drug possession.

An acquaintance says, "I've known this guy for years, and I didn't know he was a barber."

A mime started a fight in a bar, broke his left arm, and got arrested.

He still has the right to remain silent.

Long Joke

Ever since he was a little kid, Bob always had one goal in life: to become a train conductor. Finally when he grew up, he achieved his goal and became the conductor of the Happytown train. He was so excited to conduct the train that he decided to see how fast he can go. He went faster and faster unt...

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

Why was the gentleman with the umbrella arrested?

He was A gent under cover

Donald Trump is exiting the White House and heading into his limo...

...when someone pulls out a gun and aims it at him.

A newbie secret service agent, spotting it first yells:"MICKEY MOUSE!".

The would be assassin stops in confusion, giving the other agents time to pin down and arrest him.

When the press reports were over, the newbies supervisor...

A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.

His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.

I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.

Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he...

Police: Sir, you are under arrest for trying to carry 6 people on a single motorcycle

Me: What do you mean 6 people?

Police: Yes, 6 people. Now please get off your vehicle.

Me: OH MY GOD!

Police: Sir?

Me: Jack fell off!

A barber in my area got arrested for being a drug dealer.

I was his client for many years, and I had no clue that he was a barber.

I once knew a guy arrested on drug charges, and though he thought he'd get off light, they ended up slapping a bunch of other bogus charges on him, which, added to the fact that his lawyer was one of the worst in the state, eventually led him to being handed a 40 year stint in a max security prison.

That sentence was way too long.

Why do American Octopuses get arrested when they travel abroad?

Because they are heavily armed.

I heard that my old crossing guard was arrested a few days ago...

Apparently she's serving jail time for human trafficking.

A local dentist was just arrested for dealing drugs.

To say I was surprised would be an understatement. I’ve been going to him for ten years and never knew he was a dentist.

I had a terrible nightmare that I got arrested for drunk driving

It scared me so bad I woke up, drove out of the ditch and went home.

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A guy gets arrested by a hot female cop..

..she says, "anything you say can and will be held against you." The guy thinks for a second and says, "tits."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour?

This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.

I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.

Why was Ash Ketchum arrested for voyeurism?

Because he had a Pikachu.

Did you hear about the man who was arrested for burning $1 bills?

Police got a report of hot singles in his area.

“YOU ARE UNDER ARREST!”

“No I’m not”
Simple trick. Works every time.

A man was arrested while running in a wheat field.

.

.

He was charged for going against the grain.

Why did the ramen get arrested when he went outside without putting on his bowl?

Public Noodlity.

In 1910 a Russian man was ranting and raving about Tsar Nicolas II

“Nicolas is an idiot! Nicolas is a moron!” He shouted in the streets.

He was arrested by the police for defaming the monarch and quickly denied his remarks.

“I meant another Nicolas!”

The police replied, “If you said idiot you were most definitely talking about the Tsar.”

A man was arrested today for feeding the squirrels

A man was arrested today for feeding the squirrels in the park.


He was feeding them to his dog.

Why did the philanthropist go into cardiac arrest?

There were many causes close to his heart

There were three ducks swiming in a pond one night after midnight and got arrested for trespassing. They were called to apper in court the next day

So the judge called up duck #1 and asked what were you doing in a pond swiming after midnight

The duck said "blowing bubbles"

So then the judge called up duck #2 and asked the same question and the duck said

"blowing bubbles".

Then the judge called up duck #3 and said l...

If a child refuses to take a nap...

Is he resisting arrest?

Three ducks went to court after being arrested

When the judge calls upon the first duck, he asks him, "what's your name?"

The duck responds, "Quack."

And what did you get arrested for?

The duck says, "I got arrested for blowing bubbles in the pond."
And he goes on his way.

The judge calls upon the second duck, an...

Childhood, blink and you'll miss it.

Felt just like yesterday that I was running after other kids in the playground.... before you know it, I'm being arrested and charged as an adult.

What did the FBI agent say to R Kelly upon his arrest?

Urine trouble now!

A con man is arrested for conning several women out of their jewelry.

The sheriff's prison is full and doesn't have the budget to hold him anywhere else so that weekend he ties the man to a pole and creates two lines. In one line citizens pay a dollar to punch him in the face, in the other they pay five dollars to kick him in the balls. 
On the final day one guy pa...

Wiki joke

Officer: “I’m arresting you for downloading all of Wikipedia”
Man: “No wait! I can explain everything!”

A dyslexic man was arrested for storming area 15

He was released as authorities felt bad for him.

I was arrested for stealing kitchen utensils.

It was worth the whisk.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hiker gets lost in the woods...

A hiker gets lost in the woods and spends the next two days wandering around with no food. Finally, he spots a bald eagle on a ledge, hits it with a big rock, and begins eating it raw.

A park ranger stumbles on the scene and arrests the hiker for killing an endangered species.

In court...

A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code

He refused to comment

The creator of winrar is arrested

His trial is expected to last forever

My friend was arrested for stealing in Saudi Arabia...

... fortunately he’d stolen a prosthetic hand.

Unfortunately it was a second offence.

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.

“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

My dad with arthritis was arrested for falling down while on a jog.

Apparently you can't roll joints in public spaces yet.

Ever heard of the orthopedic surgeon who got arrested for voyeurism?

He just wanted to see his patient's bone

Why did the limestone get arrested?

For basalt and battery!

Did you hear about the hay that got arrested for stealing a box of Wheaties?

Cops said it was the last straw, but let him out on bale.

Happy National Tell A Joke Day!!!

Why did Jared from Subway get arrested?

Too much eating fresh

Why was captain hook arrested?

Panslaughter

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The other day I punched a white man and got arrested for assault, so when I got out I punched a black man....

and was arrested for impersonating a police officer

Donate a kidney and you're a "Hero"

Donate six and you're "Under Arrest"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car

They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?" "No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.

The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat ba...

Her: Come over

Me: I can't I'm under arrest for double homicide


Her: My parents aren't home


Me: So about that...

An elderly woman is arrested for stealing a can of peaches.

When the case gets to court and she is found guilty, the judge decides to make an example of her.

'How many peaches were in that can that you stole?' He asked.

'Six' she said, with tears of remorse in her eyes.

'Then you are hereby sentenced to six months in prison. One month fo...

A man was arrested and taken to an interrogation room

He says to the police officer, "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present."

"You are the lawyer," says the policeman.

"Exactly, so where's my present?"

This happened just this evening at the grocery store...

I was in the produce section, and happened to notice a rather striking looking woman. We smiled and went about our business, but as I was picking out my green onions, I saw a flash of light, and the woman screamed.

When I turned around, her entire right arm was engulfed in flames! Luckily the...

I got arrested for giving criminals glasses of ice cubes.

Apparently you're considered to be a vigilante if you hand out just ice on the streets.

A Soviet era joke

While General Secretary Leonid Brezhnev is making a speech, a few men in the audience are arrested who turn out to be American spies.

"Brilliant work!" says Brezhnev to a KGB major. "But how did you know they were spies?"

"Well," said the major, "as you yourself have observed, Comrade ...

Whats the difference between a dairy farm and a McDonalds.

You’ll get arrested if you try to milk the cows at McDonalds.

I got arrested for breaking and entering a car dealership ..

In my defence, the salesperson told me I could sleep on it.

Three men were sitting in a prison cell in Moscow in 1937

They discussed why they had been arrested.

"I showed up ten minutes late for work" the first man said "so they arrested me for sabotage"

"I showed up ten minutes early for work" said the second "so they arrested me for espionage"

"I showed up to work on time" said the third "so ...

I got arrested for playing chess in the street

I said: “it’s because I’m black isn’t it?”

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