What’s a good name for a detective?

Mr. E

* My 9 year old daughter came up with this, so please be kind

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend said she was tired of me acting like a detective and told me that we should split up

I said "Good idea we'll cover more ground that way"

She also got pissed at me and said that I ruined her birthday which I have no idea how I didn't even know it was her birthday


I heard these two jokes when I was a kid and they've always made me laugh, I know they are kind of old b...

A carpenter quits his job and becomes a detective

Two other detectives on the force decide to see how far they can go before the new guy cracks and decide to take him to a grisly post-mortem.

The ME pulls the sheet off the corpse to reveal his totally naked body and the ex-carpenter seems slightly shocked, the two detectives grin, this might...

A detective recently came into town to visit the new sushi restaurant

He heard there was a fishy business.

Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man

Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted

Interpreter: I can’t help u dude

Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once lived a great detective...

There once lived a great detective named Stewart. He was the best detective of his time. But he was no ordinary detective. He could solve every case he encountered with the help of the magical powers bestowed to him by a fairy.

The fairy gave him the power to gain insight on any case by think...

What does a short sighted detective wear?

Suspectacles

Three Idiot Detectives

Three idiots were training to become detectives. Their superior decided to test them by having them catch an escaped criminal.

He showed the first idiot a picture of the criminal and asked, “How would you catch this man?”

“That’s easy,” said the first idiot. “He’s only got one eye, so...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the detective say when she discovered the toilet at the crime scene?

Shit went down here.

"I really don't think you have a case, sir," said the detective as my wife washed her hair and cried from the bathroom.

"How can you say that?!" I demanded. "That hairstylist is a monster!"

"Look, sir, I can't just go around arresting every barber that gives a bad haircut." He glanced at his notes. "Even if he made her 'look like Captain Kirk.'"

"I never said he made her look like Captain Kirk!" I barke...

What did the detective in the Arctic say to the suspect?

Where were you on the night of September to March?

GF: I'm sick of you pretending you're a Detective. I think we should split up.

Me:

Good idea, we can cover more ground that way.

Amputees make horrible detectives

The know they are missing something, but they just can’t put their finger on it.

What's the difference between a detective and a pirate?

One's a private eye, and the other is a private-ear

What do you call a lizard that works as a detective?

An investi-gator.

Why was the detective with a lisp called hanger?

He always clothsed the case

A detective ask a Christian after him saved a couple from house fire....

Detective : "You're a brave. Not everyone has courageous to jump in a burning house like you".

Christian smile: "It's my duty as a Christian to save other."

Detective : " So do you know why this house suddenly caught on fire?"

Christian : " 5 years ago when they moved in here , ...

What do you call a reptilian detective that wears a sleeveless shirt and just can't let something go?

An InVESTed Gator

What do you call a skeleton detective?

Sherlock Bones!

:)

Quasimodo would’ve been a great detective

He always had a good hunch

A real estate investor was surprised to see all of his houses had been broken into. After all, he is the world’s best theft detective.

If there’s one thing he does best , it’s that he Sherlocks Holmes

My toughest assignment as a detective was finding my laptop cover

But I was on the case

The Detective's Conundrum

The detective walked into the smokey room. His assistant scurried in after. He took in the scene.

A dim light.
A flipped table.
And 53 bicycles laying all around the floor.

"It's apparent what he wrong here," the detective said.

"What is it?" asked the perplexed assist...

I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.

One day I asked him why.

He told me "I am always in purrsuit."

Who does Detective Pikachu call when he needs backup?

The Riot-chu Squad

Why has the prosthesis dealer become a private detective?

He has a nose for these things.

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Two friends were hanging out. One asks the other: "Hey, do you know about the famous detective that can't do bowel movements?"

The other friend replies: "No shit Sherlock, of course I do!"

How does the Cheese Detective choose his clients?

On a queso by queso basis.

My girlfriend wanted a favor from me

Her: I want you to kill my ex and make it seem like an accident

Me: Say no more

LATER

Detective: It looks like the killer used a crowbar to beat him to death and then placed a banana peel by his feet

When you hire a Private Detective?

An important politician was seen moving around with a film actress for a couple of months, with whom he finally decided to plunge into matrimony.

But being cautious, he hired a private detective for the job of looking into her past and finding out if she had any previous affairs with any men....

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

“How was he killed” asked one detective. “With a golf gun.” Replied the second detective.

“A golf gun? What’s a golf gun?”

“I don’t know, but it sure made a hole in Juan”

What do you call a fight between detectives?

Trench warfare

After months of detective work, police have uncovered the bodies of a number of missing persons...

These bodies which number in the dozens, were buried in the backyard of a suspected mass murderer. Upon investigation, the police found a series of mass graves. These holes had been dug up by the alleged killer, and contained dismembered body parts, including torsos, extremities, and decapitated hea...

Hunchbacks would make great detectives

They can start off every investigation saying, "Hmm, I have a hunch".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband hires a private detective to find out if his wife is cheating on him.

The detective reports back and says he discovered, unfortunately, that she is.

"What happened?" asks the husband

"She went to a hotel and waited in the bar area. On three different occasions men came up to her, handed her $50 and she would give them a key. 5 minutes later she would dis...

What does the detective turtle on top of another turtle sais?

I'm on a hard case.

A detective walks away from a crime scene "another cold blooded murderer"

"what's turning all these lizards to crime?"

Why do potatoes make good detectives?

They keep their eyes peeled...

Two detectives were trying to solve a murder

They found a dead body dumped in a ditch. Next to the body was a concrete block with blood on it. The detectives took the concrete block to run some tests on it.

Detective 1 said, “The blood matches the victim, and it seems like all fingerprints were wiped! This evidence is useless!”.
...

What did the detective say while interrogating a clock accused of murder?

"LISTEN PUNK! We know what makes you tick, and we have ways to make you tock!"

A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.

The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.

It was a brief case.

*Rubbing hands* "We got a cold blooded murderer on our hands, detective"

Detective:"Please don't touch the victim's hands"

I'm in a band called Inadequate Detectives.

We're currently looking for a drummer, but we haven't found the right guy yet.

What’s the difference between a hired detective and a Gynecologist?

Ones a Private Investigator, the others a Privates Investigator

A detective walked over to his car

As he made the approach, he saw a smattering of crow feces on it and said,

*"There's been a murder..."*

Two detectives are investigating a crime scene in a plastic surgeons O.R. (Long)

After an initial forensics report they determine cause of death was blood loss.

Detective 1: I’ve seen their sort of procedure before. Good God! I thought they stopped this sort of operation years ago!

Detective 2: what is it? You’ve seen this before!??

Detective 1: oh yes....Ma...

A wife is getting fed up with her husband always acting like a detective.

They get into a huge fight about it and she finally says “I think we need to split up”

The husband replies “That’s a great idea we can cover more ground that way”

(Sorry if this has been posted before I only heard it today)

My friend's a police detective and has been diagnosed with severe schizophrenia. He first realized there was a problem...

...when he started to question himself...

Detectives finally arrest two men suspected of robbing a 3M plant.

But they couldn’t find any evidence that would stick

Did you hear about the detective who dropped his tablet while pondering the case?

It's fine, he had only scratched the Surface.

Why was the detective concerned when the baseball team of all geese won the World Series?

He suspected fowl play.

The World's Greatest Detective.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were camping. They'd gone to sleep beneath the night sky, when Holmes awoke and shook his companion.

"Watson, look at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions of brilliant stars," Watson answered.

"And what does that tell you?"

"As...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The FBI, Interpol and Mumbai police are having a competition as to who is the best detective squad.

The test is simple. They leave a rabbit into the woods and the team who finds the rabbit in the fastest time wins.

Interpol goes first. They go into the forest, hunt for clues, interrogate the animals, set a trap for the rabbit at its favorite watering hole and within a month, they have captu...

My Duck Detective is one step away from solving a crime.

He said he almost quacked the case.

What do you call a group of White-Supremacist Detectives?

The Klue-Klux-Klan.

What does the detective get on adding up the clues one by one?

The way to make odds even.

So a man gets pulled over for speeding...

The officer says " liscence and registration" the man says in response "But officer I.. I have a gun in my glove box" so the officer calls in his backup and the guy is sitting outside of his car when he says "I also have a body in the trunk" and then the cops have a detective come to file a report o...

I hear they're building apartment buildings for detectives only

They're calling them Sherlock Homes.

What do you call when you cross a detective with an electrician

Sherlock Ohms

(sorry if this is repost, I thought of it in class)

As an amateur dermatologist detective this latest case has me stumped...

I'm not too worried though alopecia it all together in the end.

A detective has finally solved a high profile dog murder.

He successfully followed a lead.

The detective said, "Something's fishy about this evidence..."

Turned out to be a red herring.

What do you call a detective who just got back from war?

Shell-shock Holmes

The police chief is interviewing applicants for a detective job.

The chief says to the three applicants "Alright, one of the most important things for a detective is to have good observational skills, so I'm going to give you all a little test. You'll each get a photo to examine for just five seconds, then you have to tell me what you notice about the subject's a...

A detective walks into a party...

and asks the partygoers,
"Do you guys have any Nacho Cheese?"
The partygoers respond,
"No dip, Sherlock."

What did the detective say when he received a really long letter?

"I'll get to the bottom of this."

Did you hear about the family of racist chicken detectives?

They're called the Clue Clucks Clan

What do you call a detective in the real estate business?

Sherlock Homes

A detective in Paris is conversing with the hunchback of Notre Dame about a murder committed the previous night

Detective: Well, who do you think did it?

The Hunchback of Notre Dame: I have a hunch.

What do you call a metal detective?

Magnesium PI

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was talking to a police detective from West Virginia the other day...

He said homicide cases are a real pain in the ass for two reasons,

1. There's no dental records to ID the victims and

2. All the DNA matches.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Japanese designed a detective-robot able to catch thieves easily

They tried it out in three countries.

In Japan, the robots caught 100 thieves in five minutes.

In the US, the robots caught 200 thieves in five minutes.

In Albania, five minutes were enough for the robots to be stolen.

How did the detective solve the case of the missing nun?

Through the process of cross-examination.

Why did the PI detective cross the road?

He needed to keep up with Jenny's U-turns.

A detective shows up at a crime scene

A bakery has been broken into. After some investigation, a police officer checks up on the detective.

The officer asks, "How's the investigation going?"

"Not good. Hundreds of dollars worth of quality pastries have been stolen." said the detective.

"I heard that there's been a ...

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