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Snitch Jokes

What do Harry Potter and the Bloods have in common?

They're both after a golden snitch.

I heard that in the States that snitches get stitches...

And everyone else has to wait 3 months in urgent care

What's the difference between an eagle and a snitch?

Nothing, they both talon you.

Here all night.

How do you identify a snitch?

There are usually some tell-tale signs.

I'm not a snitch!

But he is!

Why did Harry Potter buy so many golden snitches?

Because they were only a quideach

The bully loomed threateningly over the nerd and said, "You know what snitches get don't you?"

Ummm, "150 points?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you motivate a police dog?

You remind him that snitches get bitches.

I heard a former Azkaban inmate is opening a Quidditch ball repair shop…

It’s called “Snitches Get Stitches”.

I asked a gardener which herbs were snitches...

He said only thyme would tell.

I told my Mexican student to turn in his essay

He said "I ain't no snitch!".

My doctor says I have the body of a 20 year old.

Damn snitch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Living in the northeast, I don’t normally get mad about snow.

But this snitch ass weatherman just let my wife know what six inches actually looks like.

Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames

and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner

That pro-crime culture is getting ridiculous!

My little brother's teacher asked "Who shot Abraham Lincoln?". He answered "John Wilkes Booth", and the next recess, his locker had "STOP SNITCHING" painted on it.

A girlfriend decides to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is...

She proceeds to snitch him out to the police.

I’m repairing my Quidditch equipment with some glue and a sewing kit. Quaffles I can usually fix by gluing them,

but Snitches get stitches

Why do miners make good accomplices?

They don't snitch. They're good at mining their own business.

Harry Potter could make a great mafia boss

He always catches the snitch

I saw my uncle cheating with another woman

but I aunt snitching

If you have Quidditch problems, I don't know what to tell you son..

I got 99 problems and a SNITCH ain't one.

Why don't they let gansters play Quidditch?

Cause gangsters always catch the snitch!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man meets a woman in a bar

They have a nice evening and he invites her to stay over for a night. Obviously, they have sex and the girl whispers:

\- Oh, you are such a great lover, I want one more time!

\- OK, but I have to sleep for a while. Grab my dick and jerk it off for an hour, then wake me up and we'll mak...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The old painter

A mobster bough a new house in the suburbs and wanted to re-paint the fence.He called a local painter. The painter was 70yo guy. He took one look at the mobster and thought "This guy surely is dumb - I will ask him for triple the normal price" and so he did.The mobster who was not as dumb as he look...

How is prison like quidditch?

The game ends when they catch the snitch

Bad Children's Books Titles

Here are some bad children's books titles I found in my jokes archive. Can you think of others?

1. "You Were an Accident"
2. "Strangers Have the Best Candy"
3. "The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
4. "Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
5. "The Attention Deficit Disorder Assoc...

A Mexican boy was in class

When the teacher said, "ok class, turn in your essay. "


The Mexican boy Responded.


"Nah, fam, I aint no snitch. "

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Our Boss just banned extremely specific nicknames

and now we are all waiting for Tattletale Dwight the Rat Snitch Good Time Ruiner to come back from Red Knee Nancy the Cocksuck Vending Machine's cubicle.

Why Trump will not pardon turkey this year?

Because it snitched on Saudi Arabia's crown prince

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do terrorist advertise their suicide mission?

Suicide bombers get 72 virgins.

How did the Stasi advertise?
Snitches get bitches.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dude was in prison and his cell mate had leprosy

Every day his cell mate would have a part of the body fall from his body

One day, it was the ear. He picked it up and threw it away through the window

The other day, the little finger; away through the window

On the day after, the thumbs, also away through the window

On...

What does Harry Potter and inner city gangs have in common?

They chase snitches

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man thinks his wife cheats on him when he's at work...

He can't afford cameras, and he aint the brightest guy around, so he thinks a parrot will do the trick. He'll watch what's going on in the house when the man's away and tell him when he gets back.



He goes to a store and explains the situation.

\-I got a great selection of parro...

A magical teddy bear decided to go for a walk

The bear decided to walk down the street and he stumbled across an alley where he heard some weird sounds. Being a teddy bear, it figured no one would care if it saw them as long as it acted natural. So it went to see what was happening.

The bear noticed an infamous criminal beating a man to...

I turned in my doctor for corruption charges when he wouldn't treat my open wound.

He was a good guy but I had no choice. I was losing blood fast and only

"snitches get stitches".

What Makes Harry Potter a Great Mob Enforcer?

He is the best at catching snitches.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Back in the day, Chicago was run by the Irish mob

Now, before the Italian mob took over- I'm sure you all know Al Capone, Frank Nitti, Lucky Luciano, and the like- Prohibition era Chicago was run by the Irish mob.

The Irish gangs owned Chicago outright for a solid 18 months after Prohibition went into effect, before police raids, pressure fr...

A warning to prisoners of the Matrix

Snitches get glitches

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