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What happens when you put Donald Trump and a female sex crazed donkey in the same room?

Nothing. Even donkeys have standards.

Joe the Carpenter

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

A young blonde fears that her boyfriend is seeing another girl... One day, the girl is visiting her boyfriend's apartment for lunch and stumbles across another woman's discarded garments on his bedroom floor.

After sitting coolly through the meal, avoiding eye contact, she quietly excuses herself without explanation. She is incredibly hurt, and on her way home finds herself in a local gun shop, purchasing a handgun. The next day she awakens with renewed vengeance for her lover's betrayal. She dresses and...

Scientists have found crazed bugs on the moon.

Lunar ticks

I once met a crazed man muttering incoherently about Ancient Mesopotamia

But I had to stop him, because I didn’t want him to Babylon

Chicken Addiction

A guy really wanted to eat chicken. He was craving it for a while and he decided to go get some. But, he didn't want any of the fast food type chicken. So, he decided to cook it himself.

He goes to the butcher to buy it. The butcher gave him a live chicken. The man, surprised, asked the butch...

America has crazed, gun addicted, alcoholic, violent people. What does Russia have?

Russians.

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A man calls Animal Control to get a crazed gorilla off his roof.

A van pulls up and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat and a gun. He hands the man the gun.

"OK, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto your roof and threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in...

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"YOU FUCKED UP YOUR LAST McCHICKEN MOTHERFUCKERS!"

As the crazed man reloads his smoking rifle, I stare at my lifeless coworkers and utter, barely above a whisper; "Sir...this is a Wendy's..."

A Scary Midnight Story

A taxi driver is going home at midnight when he decides to take a shortcut through a cemetery. He's driving slowly through the dark when he suddenly stops in shock. In front of his headlights is a lady in white hailing him down.

Before he has time to think, the woman climbs in and says in a ...

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Picked up a hitch hiker

***I pulled this on my boss last week. Luckily he is cool so I knew he wouldn't fire me or send me home.

The joke is way better in person and gets a huge laugh if told straight faced like a story that happened to you. Make sure you say the ending with plenty of gusto.

Here's how it go...

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One day St. Peter is getting bored.

He is tired of looking through people's pasts and seeing if they are fit to enter heaven, so he decides that he'll only let someone in if they can make him laugh by telling him how they died.

A man walks up to the gates of heaven, and St. Peter lays down the conditions.

The man says "...

The cast of Furious 9 once chased a beautiful woman through the woods.

The cast of Furious 9 once chased a beautiful woman through the woods, because she had something they wanted. She managed to evade them till she saw the lights of a farmhouse, where she found a strange man muttering about "people's indifference to him before he put on the mask".

Crazed thoug...

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Last request

Let's see if I understand how the world works lately...


If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work,
he blames the restaurant.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer,
your family blames the tobacco company.

If your neighbo...

A man jumps into a lion's cage to save a 5 year old boy by punching the lion in the nose

Soon, reporters are on the scene.

"Why don't you tell us a bit more about yourself"

"Well, I'm currently a stockbroker, but I got out of the Army only two years ago"

"What do you do for fun"

"I'm an avid fisherman, and I teach rifle safety classes for the NRA"

"Who...

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A hot blonde goes to the gynaecologist for a check up...

When she enters his office, the doctor is overcome by his primal urges, and immediately tells her to take off her clothes.

"Do you know why I asked you to do that?" He asks, hesitantly.
"Sure, you want to check everything to make sure I'm fine."
"That's right!" He says.

After ...

A man is walking down the street with his friend

A man is walking down the street with his friend when he hears a noise from behind him. He turns around to see a crazed man quickly approaching him. At first they thought he was going to mug them but they soon saw he was holding a giant silver key in his hand. When the man catches up he looks at the...

Why are you late? [Long]

A boss was waiting in his office one day when he noticed that all of his workers were missing. He waits a few more minutes before the first worker comes in.

"Why were you late?"
Sounding exhausted, the worker says, "Sorry boss, but my car broke down on the way to work so I tried the bus, b...

There was an assassination attempt on the president!

As the President was being interviewed by reporters on the White House lawn, a crazed looking man came outta nowhere shooting an assault rifle. the Secret service charged him without hesitation, except for one agent who screamed ‘Mickey Mouse!’

After things settled down, the agents superior ...

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I was hiking with my girlfriend, when suddenly, a really pissed off brown bear started charging at us...

Maybe her cubs were nearby, I don't know, but I've never seen such a crazed bear before in my life!

Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me.

One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took and I could walk away at a comfortable pace.

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Three men are at the pearly white gates of heaven and are greeted by St. Peter

Three men are at the pearly white gates of heaven and are greeted by St. Peter.
Regretfully, st . Peter says that heaven is full and as a result he can only choose one of them.
“Tell me about how you died and I will decide who shall go forth” he said.

The first man steps forward and say...

The Final Judgment, Pet Division

A rottweiler, a chihuahua, and a cat all die and appear before the Judgment Seat of Heaven. God asks the rottweiler, "Why should you get into Heaven?"

The rottweiler says, "I protected my family for years, and died saving them from a crazed killer."

God says, "Well done, boy. Come si...

Took a girl with severe OCD to subway..

and bought her a footlong sandwich. With cat like reflexes and a crazed look in her eyes she quickly slammed the sandwich on the table and whipped out a tape measure from her purse.

"I need to see if this is actually one foot long!" she giggled like a nervous school girl.

She pulled ...

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Molly the Camel

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there. The nervous sergeant said, ‘Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here ...

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A man named Tony gets on an airplane

A man named Tony gets on an airplane in New York going to Las Vegas, and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a stunningly beautiful and very sexy woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards him. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo an...

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A nazi plane is shot down somewhere over a North African desert; the pilot survives.

He wanders for nearly two days. Having quickly run out of water, he is crazed with thirst when he crawls over a sand dune and sees an elderly Jewish man standing in front of a table covered in neck ties.

"Water, water..." croaks the Nazi pilot.

"I don't have any water, unfortunately," ...

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A man and a woman just got married...

They're on their way to the honeymoon in a horse drawn carriage, when the horse starts acting up. It's jumping on its front legs, starts backing up, so the man gets out, walks over to the horse and says "that's 1". The horse calms down. So they start down the road, again, the horse just starts actin...

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Canoe

Three explorers - a preacher, a poet and a banjo player - are lost in the jungle and captured by a tribe of cannibals.

The cannibals tell the three they will be sacrificed to provide skins for the tribal canoes - and because this is such an important and sacred ritual, each of them can make...

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Barry got work as a sailor.

Barry got a nice sweet gig working on a boat, but the downfall was that they where six months at sea at time.

It was alright they pay was worth it but at the end he was horny as hell .
So as soon as they docked he quickly went to the most seedy bar he could find. When he arrived he quickl...

Two kids were walking in the woods...

They came across a massive hole in the ground only a meter across but they couldn't see the bottom through the blackness. One of them picked up a rock and tossed it in, they leaned in close to listen for it to hit the bottom, to their astonishment they never heard the rock hit anything. So the other...

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The 5 Dollar Hooker

A desperate, sex-crazed man has a sudden urge to get his willy-whacked, so he goes downtown to pick up a hooker.

The man finally picks up a hooker and and is on his way to a safe spot away from the city to do his dirty business. When they arrive at their destination, he tells her, "I only hav...

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An Arab Sheikh Is Crossing The Desert To Negotiate A Peace Treaty With A Neighbouring Tribe.

It's approximately a days walk & all he has with him are his four wives & a 2 gallon flask of water to prevent dehydration for the journey. So, he walks a few hundred yards....has a sip of water....another few hundred....another sip & so on until the inevitable happens, he MUST take a le...

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