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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because of the-

Car driving by: HONK

Me: Because if the-

2nd car driving by: HONK

Me:

Cop:

Me: Because of the-

3rd car driving by:HOOONK

Me: Because of the “Honk if you think cops have micropenises’’ bumper sticker?

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John gets pulled over on the highway for speeding...

John: "Is there a problem officer?"

Cop: "You exceeded 80 in 55 zone. May I see your license?"

John: "ahhhh, why don't I spare you the trouble, officer? I don't have a license, so I shouldn't be driving this car that I jacked from this dude I just killed. The gun I used is right here i...

Why do riot cops get to work early?

To beat the crowd.

Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over

The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"
The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."
The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?"
The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robbery."...

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My wife just tried to cut off my penis.

Luckily she missed and the cops charged her with a misdewiener.

Successfully ran away from the cops today, after I stole a candy bar

They tried their best, but I had too many Twix up my sleeve.

How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just beat the room for being black.

Schrodinger gets pulled over by the cops and they do a search of his car.

Cop: Did you know you have a dead cat in your trunk?

Schrodinger: I do now.

A fight breaks out between Xbox One and PS4 fans. Someone calls the cops. What sound does the siren make?

Wii U, Wii U, Wii U!

A man gets pulled over by the cops, but rather than a ticket, the cop approaches him with a check...

"Congratulations!" The cop says, handing him the check "You're the one millionth driver to pass by our checkpoint. What are you going to do with your winnings?"
"Probably get my license" The man says
"Don't listen him to him! he's drunk!" Says the wife
"Heh?" Says the man's mother who...

Why don't cops shut down Klan rallies?

Same reason you never see Bruce Wayne and Batman together.

All crime should be punished, no exceptions. That is why I called the cops on my cat after she gave birth to kittens. Now don’t judge me for doing what had to be done, we all know

*littering* is a crime.

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…

But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.

What did the autocannibal do when the cops showed up and put him at gunpoint?

He threw up his hands

Did you hear about the raffle that a local necrophiliac club was having? They were selling a lot of tickets until the cops shut them down on the grounds that it's illegal to sell parts of a corpse.

Ironically, the police never would have found out about it if the title wasn't "A Dead Giveaway"!

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Pulled over by the cops.

I was driving down the i5 late one evening when a cop pulled me over.

Officer: "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"

Me: "Nope."

Officer: "Well, it was pretty fast. License and registration please?"

Me: "I don't have insurance or registration. Plus I stole the c...

Two Texan cops arrive at a crime scene...

Cop 1, after inspecting the body of the black victim: "I've counted 28 gunshots."

Cop 2: "Wow, this might be the nastiest suicide I've ever seen!"

How many New York City cops does it take to crack an egg?

None. The egg tripped.

A sketchy guy just came into my shop and bought six smoke machines. So I called the cops.

He must be a part of some extreme mist group.

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I wanted to get my meat beaten from a cute cop

So i painted it black.

That didn't go too well, I'm in the hospital now with 3 bullet holes in my dick

cops are like a box of chocolates...

they'll kill your dog.

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The cops in our town are looking for a guy who keeps pooping on people’s yards at night.

The police are calling him Public Enemy Number Two.

I filed a police report about my missing bag yesterday and a few hours later, the cops called to say that they found it.

It was a brief case.

Sally was trying to sell sea shells by the sea shore, but the cops put her in jail.

She was charged with possession of conchtraband.

European Heaven and Hell

In European heaven...

- The Italians are the cooks,
- The French are the lovers,
- The Swiss are the bankers,
- The Germans are the mechanics, and
- The British are the cops.

In European hell...

- The Swiss are the lovers,
- The British are the cooks,
- The Ger...

2 Cops.

Cop 1: Hey, we have a B&E case, let's go investigate.

Cop 2: *GAAAAASSP* Bert & Ernie?! My 2nd grade best friend shaved his head once and got to meet them. I never saw him again so I shaved my head hoping that I could live at Sesame Street too.

Cop 1: *facepalms* He was a Make-...

Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.

Today he died of his gunshot wounds.

Which electronic component do cops hate?

Resistors.

A lawyer is arrested by the cops

He says: "I refuse to say anything without a lawyer present."

Cop: "You are a lawyer."

Lawyer: "Exactly, so where is my present?"

A blonde, brunette, and red-head are all on the run from the cops..

They find an abandoned potato factory and each hide inside an empty sack. The cops enter the building and finally get to the sacks. A cop kicks the first sack and the brunette starts meowing like a cat. The captain says, "Leave it! We don't need some cat clawing at us". They kick the second sack, an...

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Two cops, a man and a woman were heading out for a day's work, walking the beat with a police dog at their side...

A few blocks away from the station, the woman suddenly stops. "Dammit! I was in such a hurry to get ready, I forgot my panties back at the station. We have to go back."

"No we don't," the male cop says. "Old Ralphy here is specially trained at evidence retrieval. Just let him sniff your crotc...

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Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge.

The judge said, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d rather like to give you a second chance than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I’ll see you back in court Monday.”

On monday, the two guys were...

when the cops raided the warehouse, the crack dealers were fast asleep while production was going on

this was a case of a rested development.

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A New York cop walks by a playing ground and sees a kid bulding something from sand in the sand pit

So he walks up to the kid and asks "What are you creating there little one?". The kid absorbed in his work promptly says "I'm making a cop sir!". Police officer, with his heart filled with pride asks further "Wow, very nice to see the youth appreciating cops, but how are you building him?". Kid with...

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