A drunk wakes up in jail and asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" "For drinking." replies the officer.

"Great!" slurs the man. "When do we start?"

How many police officers dose it take to change a light bulb?

*None*, they just beat the room for being black

A police officer at my school said “We will never forget nine eleven”

I said well i sure hope not it’s your phone number.

A police officer pulled over Werner Heisenberg.

The officer said “I clocked you going 75.”

Heisenberg replied “Great, now I’m lost!”

An on-duty police officer is staking out a particularly popular bar right before closing time hoping to catch anyone trying to drink & drive

As the patrons start exiting the bar at closing time, he sees one guy who seems particularly drunk.

The cop watches intently as this guy stumbles off the curb, trips over his own feet and tries his car keys on 4 different cars before ultimately finding his own. Once he finally finds his car a...

A police officer is interrogating a thief

P: So, you tried robbing this bakery in broad daylight?

T: Yes.

P: You just snuck into their kitchen and grabbed a few kitchen utensils before being caught. You know what makes you?

T: A whisk-taker

Police officer: Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do for a living?

Miner: mine

An old man was speeding down the road and a police officer was behind him.

Initially, the old man was going 100 mi/h.

Once he saw the cop started going 110 mi/h, then 120 mi/h, and finally 140 mi/h.

He thought to himself ‘Well I’m an old man what do I have to lose’ and proceeded to pull over

The cop came up to his car and told him ‘I’m about to get of...

Two blonde police officers crash their patrol car into a tree...

After a moment’s silence, the first blonde says to the other, “Wow, I think that’s the quickest we’ve ever got to the scene of an accident.”

A man was shot today at my local gas station by two off duty police officers...

From what I have been told, the off duty officers were standing outside the store, enjoying their morning coffee before getting started for the day, when a man, who was pumping gas got a little bit of fuel on his sleeve, and must of had a lit cigarette because all of a sudden his sleeve caught on fi...

Police officer: "I'm here to inform you that your son burned down the school"

Parents: "arson?"


Police officer: "yes, your son"

What did the police officer say to the hand?

Stop! You are under a wrist!

Why did the police officer shoot the iceberg lettuce?

Because it wouldn’t *Romaine* calm.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Italian, a Jew, and a Polish guy apply to be Police Officers

They all ace the written exam and it's time for the interviews. The Italian has his interview and it goes great, the interviewer says, "Okay, one last question. Who killed Jesus?" The Italian says, "The Jews." Then the Jew has his interview and ends with the same question, "Who killed Jesus?" The Je...

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A man gets stopped by a police officer for doing 31 in a 30 zone

The police man asks what the man's job is.

The man says 'I'm an asshole stretcher'

The police man asks 'and what do you do in that?'

The man replies in detail 'we get the customers ass and slowly enlarge it by first sticking our fingers in, then our whole fist, slowly increasin...

A police officer walks into an interrogation room.

"It's over, buddy," he says smugly, throwing down a stack of papers. "We've got you on a double homicide."

"Double?! What are you talking about?" the perp across from him stutters.

"Don't even try to act innocent. We've got video proof. You gunned down two women! Cher and Johnny Depp'...

A police officer radioed the station for backup

Officer: Looks like that domestic disturbance is a homicide, old lady murdered her husband for tracking dirt on a floor she just mopped.

Dispatch: have you arrested her?

Officer: Not yet. The floor isn't dry.

Police officer pulls over 2 Catholic priests. Says he’s looking for two child molesters.

Catholic priests looking at each other: We’ll do it!

Police officer: So where did the hacker go?

Me : I don't know he just ransomware

How many police officers does take to break an egg?



None. It fell down the stairs

Last week, I witnessed a police officer put handcuffs on a criminal who was suffering from a heart failure.

Now that's what I call a Cardiac arrest.

A man is sitting at home when a police officer knocks on his door.

The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, “Yes, I am.”

The officer then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife.

The man answers, “Sure, hold on a second.”

The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, “I’m sorry, but it looks like your w...

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Police officers stops car towing, no idea for better title

first time poster, not sure if its re-post sorry if it is, translated as im not from english speaking countrie

Driver of old Yugo (old shitty car) had stopped on highway because of engine problem and started to stop cars for towing to nearest exit, there happened to Ferrari driver to stop and...

Yesterday I saw a police officer wearing a pilot's uniform,

I thought it was a bit odd.

Then I realized he was one of those plane clothes cops.

A blonde police officer pulls over a blonde driver.

"Can I see your license please?"

"What does that look like?" says the blonde driver.

"It's small, rectangular in shape, and has your picture on it." replies the blonde officer.

The blonde driver looks through her purse for a while and pulls out a small rectangular mirror.
...

What do you call it when police officers stop a uhaul truck?

Busting a move

What's a police officers favorite kind of coffee? (OC)

Black with extra shots.

Police Officer: "How high are you?"

Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

A police officer pulled over a lawyer who had failed to come to a complete stop at a stop sign.

The lawyer argued his case that the spirit of the law was simply that the maneuver be safe and since he hadn't caused an accident his actions complied with the law.

The officer disagreed and informed the lawyer he would issue him a ticket.

"I will accept that ticket if you can explain ...

What did the police officer say to the criminal who could not sleep?

"Stop resisting a rest!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police officer is riding a horse

He comes upon a little girl riding her bike.

He stops her and asks, "Hey little girl, did Santa bring you that bike for Christmas?"

The little girl responds, "Well, as a matter of fact, he did."

The officer responds while handing the little girl a $5 ticket, "Next year, maybe y...

Police officer: "Turn around."

Me: "Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never comin' round."

Police officer: "**Turn around!**"

Me: "*Every now an-*"

\*gets tased\*

A police officer knocks on a doors

(Door opens)
Police officer: Hi there, there’s been a major incident and I’m asking around looking for leads...
Man: Leeds?! Nah mate you’re miles off, follow the M1 all the way up!

What are all the police officers bullets made out of?

Copper

A lawyer gets pulled over by a police officer

The officer asks the lawyer "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

"I haven't the foggiest idea," said the lawyer.

The officer replied, "You didn't make a full stop at the stop sign back there. You only slowed down."

The lawyer thinks for a few seconds then says, "If you can prove...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Police Officer George with his duty partner woman Police Officer Mary along with their police dog had been assigned to walk a beat.

They had been out only a short time when Mary said: “Damn, I was running late this morning I forgot to put on my panties! It is so uncomfortable without my panties. We have to go back to the station to get them.”

“We don’t have to go back,” George replied.

“Just give the dog one sniff...

A man was staggering home drunk in the early hours of the morning when he was stopped by a police officer.

“What are you doing out at this time of night?” asked the officer.


“I’m going to a lecture,” said the drunk.


“And who’s going to be giving a lecture at this hour?”


“My wife.”

A police officer stops a speeding car and walks up to the driver

"Do you know you were going 20 km/h over the speed limit ?"

The guy respond : "How am I supposed to know ? I don't have a license".

His wife, sitting on the passenger seat, interjects : "Don't listen to him, he's drunk."

Their kid, on the backseat, sighs "I knew we weren't goin...

A police officer sees a man searching for something under a streetlight

The officer asks him, "What are you looking for?"

The man says, "My car keys. I lost them in that alley over there."

"Then why aren't you searching in that alley?"

"Because, officer, the light's much better over here."

A police officer is chasing a hacker

He loses track of him in the streets and asks a passerby:

-Where is he,where is the hacker!?

-I don't know,he ransomware.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Police officer questioning a man. So when was it you noticed that your wife was dead?

Man replied, sex was the same but the dishes started piling up..

Police officer during random road check: "Any drugs?"

"No Sir, we got enough of everything in the trunk."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police officer sees a trail of $50 notes leading to an old woman with two bags of trash.

Curious he approaches the woman and asks:

"Excuse me Mam, but one of your bags has a hole".

The woman thanks him profoundly but he, still curious, asks:

"Hope you don't mind me snooping around but where did you get all that money?"
"Well, you see Mr.Officer, I have a lovel...

A police officer is patrolling a 60mph highway when he sees a car driving 20mph.

He pulls the car over and walks up to the window to find a car with 4 old ladies.

The officer asks, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

The lady in the driver's seat says "What's the matter officer? I was going exactly 25 miles an hour."

"Well it's a 60 mile an hour highway...

What's a police officer's favorite gaming console?

Wii U Wii U Wii U

A soldier was hit by mustard gas in war, and then pepper spray by a police officer.

He's now a seasoned veteran.

I was extremely tired and walked into a police officer the other day.

Ended up being guilty of resisting a rest.

A police officer and a hot blonde

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window.
The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.

"I've pulled you over for spee...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two police officers slammed their fists on my door.

"We've come to inspect your house for drugs!" they shouted.

I said, "Fuck off. Get your own."

"This is the hardest part of our job," said the police officer after Adam was pronounced dead in the accident.

"Yeah, but break the news slowly. His wife is a very sensitive person."

The police officer knocks on the door and Adam's wife opens it.

"Are you Adam's widow?" said the police.

A blonde, brunette, and redhead are all running from these police officers.

They find a shack that has 3 potato sacks in it and decide to hide there in the sacks. The police officers find the shack and see the sacks.

They kick the first one with the brunette in it. She says "Meow, meow!". So they think it's a cat in there.

They move on and kick the second one ...

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde’s drivers license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

“What does it look like?” She finally asked. The police women replied, “It’s square and it has your picture on it.”

The driver finally found a square mirror...

The Police Officer took my weed, but as I had a valid prescription the Judge ordered it returned to me.

I was awarded Joint Custody.

A Polish police officer pulls over a German tourist.

Officer: Good day, license and registration, please.

The tourist gives his license and registration to the police officer.

Officer: What is your age?

Tourist: 31 years old.

Officer: Occupation?

Tourist: No, just visiting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't ever underestimate a Scottish police officer?

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Scottish cop.

 

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON, and is certain that he has a better education than any Scottish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Sco...

Just had two police officers at my front door.

They asked me, “Are you familiar with the letters HB?” I said, “No, I’m not.”



“How about LS?” they asked. I replied, “No.” Then they asked, “What about JD?”



I said, “Hang on a minute, am I a suspect or something?” They said, “No, these are just initial enquires.”

What did the police officer say when he busted the sadomasochists?

Everybody, hands up or no one gets hurt!

A police officer pulls over an elderly woman on the highway.

“Ma’am”, the officer says, “I clocked you at 22 mph. The minimum speed on the highway is 45 mph.”

“But I just saw a 20 mph speed limit sign,” the woman replies.

Chuckling, the officer explains to the woman that the sign she saw was for interstate 20.

He notices that the woman’...

I got pulled over by a police officer.

He came to the window and said, "Papers ..."

I said, "Scissors, I win," and drove off.

He must be desperate for a rematch because he's been chasing me for an hour.

Everyone in my family was a police officer, except for my grandad, who was a bank robber

He died last week

surrounded by his family

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police officer pulls over an elderly couple

He walks up to the driver's side window and asks the husband for his license and registration.
The wife, hard of hearing, asks "what?! What did he say to you?"
The husband replies "he wants my license!"
The officer asks him if he knew how fast he was going.
The wife yells "what?!...

A Police Officer is patrolling the streets of his town.

Suddenly he sees something weird, a car that is approaching has a dog behind the steering wheel while on the passenger's seat sits a man.

So of course he signals the car to pull out to the sidewalk.

Man in passenger's seat has a window already rolled down so the Police Officer starts t...

A police officer caught a man in possession of drugs.

The man, named Steve, claimed to be innocent.

Steve: "I have never bought cocaine in my life, they just appear in my pockets at random."

The police officer is suspicious and tells Steve to prove it.

Steve leads the officer to a public bathroom and then proceeds to flush the crac...

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I...

(Found this one in an old joke book) What did the police officer say to the firefly?

Who glows there?

A police officer candidate goes for an interview...

The officer says, "Take this pistol and shoot A TALL BLACK GUY AND THREE WHITE RABBITS."
So the candidate asks,"why the three white rabbits?".
Officer"that's the kind of attitude we're looking for. You're selected".

What did the criminal chemist say as he was escaping from a police officer?

Cu later Copper!

So there was a police officer and his police dog...

The officer called the dog Joke, as it made him laugh always. Regardless, he loved the dog. However, one day the dog was demoted and reassigned to another Buddhist officer who wanted a dog to help him abstain from material things. The first officer was, of course upset. One of his friends he worked ...

Police Officer: "Why did you run that red light back there!!?

Me: "Are you a Cain Velasquez fan?"

Officer: (looks surprised) Yeah, big fan".

Me: "My damn knee buckled when I tried to hit the brake."

Officer: (Puts his head down) You can go

Police officer: Sir, I’m going to need to see your driver’s license.

Driver: You guys got a lot of nerve.

Police officer: Excuse me?

Driver: One day you take my license away and the next day you ask me to show it?

What do you call a broken police officer?

Defective

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know what the toughest part of being a gay, black police officer is?

The discrimination.

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver lo...

Why don't Broward County police officers need to use condoms?

Because no matter how dire the situation gets, they won't come inside.

A man was crossing the road when he was hit by a car, which then sped off. A police officer asked the injured man, ”Did you get a look at the driver?” ”No,” he said, “but I can tell you it was my ex-wife.”

“How do you know that?” asked the officer.


“I’d recognize her laugh anywhere!”

A police officer, a Klansman and a murderer walk into a bar...

And then he sits down and orders a drink.

A police officer said to a motorist, "What were you doing? Your car was zigzagging like crazy!"

"I'm learning to drive."

"Without an instructor in the car?"

"Oh, yes. It's an online course."

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station...

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.

“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

A car is pulled over by a police officer. The officer walks up to the driver and says, "Congratulations, you're the 100th driver to remember putting on your seatbelt today, and so you have won $2000! So sir, what do you think you'll do with those money?"

The driver says, "I'd probably buy a driver's license."

His wife sitting next to him says "Don't listen to him Officer, he's been drinking."

A man exclaims from the backseat, "I've told you both this, we never get anywhere in stolen cars!"

A voice can be heard from the trunk sho...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police officer catches Dave duck-hunting, checks to make sure he has the right license.

So Dave went hunting in the woods, one day, and ***BAM!***, shot a duck.

A bored, nearby trooper waiting in his patrol car near the highway hears the gunshot, gets out, and runs into the woods to find Dave holding the duck.

The trooper yells, pointing at Dave, "You stop right there! L...

Two priests are out driving one day, when they get pulled over by a police officer.

The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver "Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters"
The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says;
"Alright of...

Two police officers walk into a crime scene.

They see two people lying dead on the floor. The victims are holding a piece of weed each. Their eyes are red and their skin is dry.

One officer turns to the other and says: "Looks like a joint suicide."

A police officer searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.

“It’s not my fault,” I said, “Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again.” “Do you really expect me to believe that?” he laughed. I said, “I’ll prove it to you if you want me to!” “Go on then.” He smiled, handing me the bag. After flushing them, he l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Magic Penis vs Police Officer

A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip abroad, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied.

He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, ' Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, exc...

Police Officer: Ma'am, can you describe the person who assaulted you?

Woman: Oh yes, officer. I'm certain it was that man on the TV who hijacked that truck full of electric razors.

Police Officer: Ma'am, I'm afraid you been hit by, you've been struck by, a smooth criminal.

When I was visiting Ireland, I saw a man in a prison jumper running through the street with a police officer chasing him. The officer caught up to him and grabbed him by the wrist, but then the man’s hand fell off and he got away.

I saw a real Irish leper con.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the police officer arrest the popcorn?

It was guilty of all salt and buttery.

Police officers have been playing Pokemon Go a lot longer than the rest y'all have...

'Gotta catch Jamal'

A police officer pulled over a Lego man today...

...and when the officer asked the man if he knew why he was being stopped, the Lego man responded, "I bet it's because I'm block."

A woman in a park called 911. When the police officer arrived at the scene, he saw two men, standing on their hands, dashing towards a line painted on the ground. The police officer was livid at the woman having wasted his time.

"This ain't a scene," he said, "it's a goddamn arms race."

I live in a small town and we only have two police officers

Yet I was still unlucky enough to be pulled over.

There I was, lying face-down on the pavement in a puddle of my own puke with a bottle next to me, car door open.

'hey there, having a good night I see. could you please stand up for me sir?'

I obliged.

'right. Now I'm goi...

a blonde police officer stops a blonde driver

A blonde police officer stops a blonde driver:
"You have driven too fast: let me see your driver's licence."
The blonde driver is puzzled: "What's a driver licence?"
The blonde police officer explains: "Um... you have your face on it."
The blonde driver hands the blonde police of...

Police officer

Police officer talks to a driver: Your tail light is broken, your tires must be exchanged and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be 300 dollars.
 \-
Driver: Alright, go ahead. They want twice as much as that at the garage.

A man applies for a job as a police officer.

The officer says: Alright, one more thing. Take this gun and go shoot 7 black men and a squirrel.


The man replies: Why the squirrel?


The officer says: I love your attitude, you got the job!

An metropolitan Police officer gets demoted to Traffic duty in the middle of nowhere...

He’s furious about it. He sits in his car at the side of the highway, mumbling to himself angrily about his demotion, until he finally snaps. He turns on his lights and pulls over the first car that passes him. Slamming his door behind him, he marches up to the car and pounds on the window.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?

QUESTION:You’re a policeman, on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.


You are ...

Why do police officers wear blue?

Because the black uniforms led to too much friendly fire.

American police officers take too many risks...

... it’s all just a shot at the dark.

A blonde girl gets pulled over by a blonde police officer for speeding...

The Police officer asks for a drivers license & the blonde starts going through her bag looking for it.

She's getting increasingly frustrated as she looks for the drivers license & asks the police officer for assistance.

The blonde asks: "I'm having trouble finding it... Can y...

A police officer stops a old women on the interstate for speeding....

....He pulls her over and asks her if she has and weapons in her vehicle. She reply’s

yes I have a 22 in my glove box.”

He says ok anything else? she says,

“yes I have a shotgun in my trunk. “

He reply’s, is that all. She says

“no I have a handgun in my purse.”...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Police officer

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that, because he was wearing his seatbelt he had just won $1,000 in a safety competition. “What are you going to do with the prize money?” the officer asked. The man responded, I guess I’ll go to driving school and get my license.” At that momen...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you."

The man quickly replies, "Boobs!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend dressed up as a police officer and told me I was arrested for being good in bed

After a few minutes into the arrest, all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence

A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party.

He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover

I am going to dress up as a police officer for Halloween

At least I'll scare the black guys

A police officer tries to break up with his wife, also a police officer.

Husband: "We're over."

Wife: "We're what? over."

What’s the difference between a grizzly bear and a police officer?

The bear will murder you in cold blood BEFORE you can start running away from it.

A police officer was assigned to hunt a dangerous cannibal on his first day on the job

All the more seasoned officers had already been eaten

I was just minding my business at lunch when a police officer came and took a handful of my Chinese food...

it was a blatant violation of my rice.

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