Why did the shipwrecked pirates get to eat cakes, cookies and pies when they washed up on shore?

It was a desserted island.

What do you call the table full of pies and cakes at Thanksgiving isolated from all the other foods?

The desserted island.

If I have 5 pies in one hand and 6 pies in the other, what do I have?

Adele’s undivided attention

The New Market on the Corner

A new market opened up in Bill's neighborhood, so he decided to go down and see what they had for sale.

Inside appeared to be different produce stands, but, strangely, all he saw were bakery stuffs on the shelves. One was covered in pies and labeled "Pineapple Pies - $2/lb." Another was cover...

Not every pies in the world is round, sometimes...

πr ²

Did you know it's cheaper to buy pies in warm weather climates?

Cherry pie in Jamaica - $4.25
Blueberry pie in Cuba - $3.50

Those are some of the pie-rates of the Caribbean.

I’ve always wondered about the price of pies around the world

In the Bahamas they’re $9 a pie.
In Jamaica they’re $8 a pie.
In Cuba they’re $7 a pie.



And those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

In Jamaica

In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15.
In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95.
In Trinidad and Tobago, t...

What type of pies take up the most time?

Occupies.

Why didn't Santa get any mince pies on Christmas?

Because it was stollen.

[NSFW] I've ate two pies in 15 minutes. What more can I ask for?

To ask another girl to join the party.

How easy is it to stroll along on pies?

Well, it's no cakewalk.

A man was watching a baker make pies...

After the baker rolled out the pastry, lined the pie plate, put in the filling he put on the top layer of pastry & carefully trimmed off the excess pastry. The baker then removed his upper dentures & proceeded to use them to tamp down the pastry around the circumference of the pie plate afte...

Life pro tip: always be nice to pies.

You don't want to hurt their fillings.

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An Australian, an American and an Irishman working high-rise construction were sitting on a lunch break.

The Aussie opens up his lunch box and pulls out a meat pie and says, "Ahhhh shit! Meat pies again! I've had a gut-full of meat pies! Every day my missus gives me meat pies for lunch! If she packs me meat pies for lunch again tomorrow I'm gunna jump off this friggen building and kill myself!"
The ...

My Pi Day joke

There was a village that had four competing pie shops, each inhabiting their own corner of the town. One of these shops was named "The Circle".

The Circle wanted to gain an edge on the other shops, they wanted to stand out. They realized they could transport more pies in their boxes if they ...

Captain

Met an old sailor once in a bar. Sat and talked for a while and asked him if he heard of Jack Sparrow. Suddenly he started telling me about how in Jamaica, beef pies cost $1.50. Goat pies cost around $2 and apple pies are about $2.50.

In Trinidad the prices are roughly the same. Cheese and o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Simple Simon met a Pie-Man on his way to the fair. Simple Simon said to the Pie-Man "What have you got there?" and the Pie-Man said

"Pies you stupid fuck"

Johnny and 7 other boys storm a bakery early in the morning.

They knock over all the workers, then proceed to stomp and walk all over the pies and pastries. The bakers call the police who take the boys into custody.
After investigating, the police decide to give the boys 60 hours of community service for the local council. Johnny is sent out with two othe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why dont cows ever win baking contests?

Their pies taste like shit.

A boy with no legs tried to get attention from the baker across the street.

He loved the smell of pies wafting from the shop window, but since he had no legs, he cannot reach the baker.

So he wrote a message on a dollar note, folded it into a paper plane, and threw it across the street.

The baker turned his head and was surprised to see a paper dollar plane ...

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Why do women hate my baked goods?

I keep offering them cream pies, but they always respond with slapping me in the face!

A tale of colonial Pennsylvania

When William Penn first started settling the area, he of course moved his extended family with him. Two of his aunts found great success in selling many different kinds of pies. And very quickly the sisters realized they could make a lot more money if the raised their prices. Well long story short, ...

A drunk man at the carnival...

A horribly drunk man stumbled up to a carnival game booth and sloppily picked up the air rifle. On his very first shot he knocked the target down, much to the game operator's astonishment.

"Wow, sir that was amazing," said the operator as he handed the drunkard a live turtle. "You'll be going...

A man walks into a bar with a pork pie on his head.

The barman asks, "Why are you wearing a pork pie on your head?"

The man replies, "It's a family tradition. We always wear pork pies on our heads on Tuesday."

The barman remarks, "But it's Wednesday."

Sheepishly, the man says, "Man, I must look like a real fool."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Little Debbie company is trying to make a new snack

In a meeting room, several people are trying to make the new snack everyone will love

a guy who really likes chocolate: what if we made brownies with even more chocolate on them?

everyone couldn't seem to get behind the idea, so they kept trying to find a new idea

a dude who thi...

What was special about the pizza place owned by a mathematician?

All pies are squared

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you have sex with the Quaker Oats guy?

Oatmeal Creme Pies.

The doctor told me to lose some weight.

I said, "How?"

He said "Don't eat anything fatty."

I said, "You mean pies, chips, that sort of thing?"

He said, "No, just don't eat anything, fatty."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some amended Nursery Rhymes

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two chunks of bread.

Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
"Pies, you dick...

Planck's constant walks into a bar...

Planck's constant walks into a bar and orders dessert.

The bartender is a little surprised by this, but happens to have a couple desserts on hand.

"I can't decide," says Planck's constant. "Whenever I walk into a bar I feel divided by two pies."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is going with her boyfriend to his parents' house...

...to meet and have dinner with them. This is a very important night, and she wants to make a good impression – she even made some bean pies for the occasion, the parents' favorite.

They get to the house, and are having dinner – so far everything is going just fine. Then…disaster strikes. Sh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke my 8 year old told me.

I took my son hiking in Round Valley in California. The hills are pretty steep and along the trails you can see multiple "cow pies" as he calls them (cow poop).

As we're hiking up a steep hill:

Son: "Geez dad, my legs are killing me. The cows out here must have such nice calves!"

A man walks into a bar and asks for a pint and a Pork pie.

The barman gives him his pint, and a nice fresh pork pie. He drinks his pint, picks up his pork pie, puts it on the top of his head and walks out, carefully balancing it on his noggin.

About 10 minutes later, he returns and goes to the bar. Again, the man asks for a pint and a pork pie.
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A male fairy tale...

A Male Fairy Tale:

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess said, "No!!!"
And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny long-legged big-titted babes and went rowing and watched rugby and went to naked bars a...

Rumours of a food shortage.....

Rumours of a food shortage at this year's Spoonerism Awards turned out to be a complete lack of pies.

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The Ukrainian Farmer and his Son

A Ukrainian farmer had a son who wanted to go to university

"Son, you not want to go university; stay here and work with me on farm"

"No father. I go to university to learn many things"

So the son goes.

Months later, the son comes home for break.

The father says, "...

A beloved nursery rhyme from my childhood!

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe,
Who had so many children she didn't know what to do.

So she cut 'em up, put 'em into pies,
Took 'em to the fair and won first prize!

Warning: Dad humor following.

John was so proud of his son for being the first one from their town to ever go to college. At the mill John would brag, "My boy is the smartest this town has ever seen!"

The boy returned after his first semester from college. The town gathered amazed at the boy prodigy. "Go on, son, tell 'e...

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