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Nut Jokes

Nutted in my girlfriends braces

Now my kids are behind bars

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I don't get what's so hard about No Nut November

It's the 3rd day and I haven't eaten any nuts yet. I just distract myself by constantly masturbating all day.

I walked into a store and noticed they were selling deer nuts for $1.25

Every other time I've seen them, they were under a buck.

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A man get pulled over with his young son in the back seat.

The cop comes to the window.

"Sorry officer, I was rushing tog et home. My wife is throwing a dinner party for very important guests."

The cop writes him a ticket anyway, wishes him a good day and walks back to his patrol car. As he walks away, the dad mutters "Bastard."

The lit...

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No Nut November is going great so far

Every time I think about eating almonds, I just masterbate. It’s not hard guys.

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After masturbating post nut clarity hit hard

I guess you could say I came to my senses

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Did you hear about the sad life of a penis?

His whole family is nuts, his nextdoor neighbor is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him………

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What did the left nut tell the right nut?

Don't talk to the middle guy, he's a dick.

I told my wife I was taking part in No Nut November...

She said she was excited for me to see how she feels the other 11 months of the year.

I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts.

If I'm honest, it was a Rocky Road.

What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?

Beer nuts are always over a dollar, deer nuts are always under a buck.

Goofy, I know, but still makes me laugh 20 years after I first heard it!

ETA: GUYS! Thanks so much for the upvotes, I've never had so many! Y'all made my night!

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?

Beer Nuts are $1.50 a pound. Deer Nuts are under a Buck

How do you make a room full of epileptics go nuts?

Ask someone with parkingsons disease to turn off the lights

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What did a Nut say to another Nut?

Look busy the boss is Cumming.

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One ...

The price of beer nuts...

Are you aware that the price of Beer nuts is now $3.99 per pound while Deer nuts are still under a buck?

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Nuts

It you put nuts on a chest, what do you have? Chestnuts
If you put nuts on a wall, what do you have? Walnuts
If you put nuts on your chin, what do you have? I'd say you have a dick in your mouth.

Man, if you thought No Nut November was bad...

Wait until No Net December.

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I asked my friend if he would ever dare to shave his nut sack with a straight razor

He said he tried it once while in college, but it was so bad that he hasn't got the balls to try it again.

What does a pirate say when gets kicked in the nuts?

Menards

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What would be the female equivalent of No Nut November?

Get your alliteration skills on people. So far I've come up with Dildo Denial December or Forbidden Fingering February,

So, no nut November has been over for about a week...

About how long should it take for them to grow back?

What is Captain Kirk's least favourite nut?

Pe-Kahn!!!!!!

A nut wants to tell you a secret

You are minding your own business when you hear a "psstt" sound appearing to come from a bag of nuts in your pantry.

Enthralled with curiousity, you drop your ear into the bag and say "what??"

The mysterious sound responds... "stashio"

So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

"What a nice lady", I thought, while happ...

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What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don't get some support, people will think we're nuts.

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A man goes to the doctor with a terrible rash on his nuts

The doctor says, "well you'll have to stop masturbating". Man says "why?"

Doctor says, "because it's making it really hard to examine you"

No nuts please

Her: I'll have the salad, no nuts please
Waiter: Of course
Me: It didn't say it had nuts?
Her: I'm allergic, so I tell them to be safe
Me: That makes sense
Waiter: and for you?
Me: Steak, no bees, please.

A hunter shoots a deer and is pulling it back to his truck

A hunter shoots a deer and is pulling it back to his truck

A farmer passes by and says, "Hey you shot that deer on my property. That makes that deer mine."
The hunter says, "No way, I tracked it, I shot it, it's mine."
The farmer says, "Ok Ok...we'll settle this the old way."
"The ol...

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My mate said he can tighten up nuts and bolts with his butt.

Personally I think he torques out of his arse

Edit: Silver, Gold, Platinum, and got to the front page.

Thankyou everyone!

What did the nut say when it sneezed?

Ca-shew!

What did the nut say to the other nut when he was chasing him?

Imma cashew

I’ve never experienced post-nut clarity.

Maybe I should switch from pecans to pistachios.

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My left nut thinks it's better than my right nut.

He can be egotesticle.

What do you call someone who tricks people out of their nuts?

A pecan artist.

Male bees die after mating. So that's basically their life.

Honey. Nut. Cheerio.

How does a nut say good bye to another nut?

I'll Cashew later bro.

Giving Birth, or Getting Kicked in the Nuts!

Which Hurts More?






Obviously it's getting kicked in the nuts.
Why? Well you don't get kicked in the Nuts, wait a year and decide, I'll try that again.

Game-Over on that debate!

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Have you seen r/tifu recently.

They’re fucking nuts.

From my 8 year old son: What's the beard's favorite kind of nut?

Mustachios

Why is joking about old mens nuts so easy?

It's low hanging fruit

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(NSFW) I crushed No Nut November.

I didn't eat a single nut the whole month. (The trick is to masterbate everytime you get hungry for a nut)

Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?

Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.

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Two priests (NSFW)(long)

Two priests were driving in a car during a pouring rainstorm when they got a flat tire. They got out to change the tire, but just as they started a man pulled up and said "Father, you should wait in the car where it's dry. I'll change the tire for you."

The priest agreed but told the man to m...

What do you call a Poltergeist that nuts a lot?

A Ghostbuster.

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I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife

She was delighted. I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough. But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts! Women, I can't figure them out.

"Yeah. Those animals across our southern border have ruined their own country and our trying to invade and ruin ours. With their rampent guns and drugs... their government has become a shambles of nut job military and rich drug addicts who don't care about anyone!

Eh?"

What’s the difference between a chickpea and a Brazilian nut?

I wouldn’t let a chickpea in my mouth.

I saw a squirrel bury a nut in my backyard today.

I'm going to swap it for a grilled cheese sandwich and blow his mind.

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Stop alright! It's not No Nut November!

It's always Jack-off January, Fap February, Masturbate March, Abuse-yo-cock April, Maniacally beat-yo-meat May, Jizzy June, Jerk July, Abolish-yo-junk August, Seep-yo-seed September, Orgasmic October, Nut November, Destroy Dick December.

What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?

Nuttin'

When cops arrest a clinically insane person...

...are they busting a nut?

What did the chess master say before nutting

Mate in one

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So There I Was, Balls Deep in Some Peanut Butter...

When I thought to myself "Man...I'm fucking nuts."

How does a nut sneeze?

They go, "Caaa-shew!"

What is the most allergic nut?

The Ca.........shew!!!!!

I'll see myself out.

I’m sad to report I have a bad nut allergy

Every time I eat one, I let out a little cashew

Why did the nut work at the bank?

To cashew your cheque.

Why do the Lannisters have such big beds?

They push two twins together to make a king.

The Nut Cracker Suite

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. ...

Santa most definitely passed No Nut November

He only comes in December.

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"I can't think until after I ejaculate,"

I came to realize.





*edit:* thank you for the awards! My mom's going to be so proud I got my first ones on a pun about post-nut clarity!

I put a nut on a bolt today.

It was riveting.

I've already failed No Nut November

I failed the first time at 1:37am, and the second time at 1:11am.

America failed No Nut November,

This election featured the two biggest nuts in recent US history.

It’s No Nut November’s Muslim cousin time

Refrain Rub Ramadan

No Nut November challenge is not gonna be a problem at all

It’s not hard at my age

What's the worst thing about having a nut allergy?

Every month is No Nut November!

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No Nut November is gonna be super easy this year.

I decided to stop eating nuts altogether. It was cutting into my masturbation time too much.

What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?

Cashew.

Use the words chicken, nut, and bread in one sentence.

When my sister got pregnant, my Filipino mother told my dad to stop choking her because chicken nut bread.

What did Freddie Mercury say when he was informed about No Nut November?

"Nutting really matters to me"

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A horny lion and a horny mouse

agree to fuck each other.

The lion informs the mouse "I'm the king of the jungle with a reputation to uphold, therefore must do this in hiding and I must go first. " The mouse replies "You're so large, you'll fuck me to death, let me go first then when I'm done you can have your turn". The l...

You may have heard of No Nut November

But after I came twice in April what I’m really hoping for is a No Fetus February

What do you call a nut that gets good grades?

An academia nut..

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I have a handkerchief I nut on

I call it a Wankerchief.

I used to be a French cheese nut

But now I camembert it any longer

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It’s No Nut November and we’re accepting bets until 11/11.

“Step right up and ‘come’ on in! Go make a bet on any male candidate. Claim your prize after No Nut November ends., but ONLY if the candidate don’t nut. It’s $69 per ticket!
Double your winnings if they don’t nut for the next week!”

With semenly impossible odds, this is a good way to net...

Some lady called the cops on me because I was giving a squirrel a nut in the park.

Good thing I got my pants back on before they arrived

What is Captain Kirk’s least favorite type of nut?

Pe-KAAAAAHHHHHNNNNNN!!!!

If Trump's favorite movie is WALL-E and his favorite store is Wal-Mart, what's his favorite nut?

The one that created Ivanka

What is the difference between a nut and bolt and a pregnant woman?

You can unscrew a nut and bolt.

I am a fried nut

A string walks into a bar, and the bartender's all like "HEY, WE DON'T SERVE STRING IN HERE". Now obviously this makes the string very angry, so he goes outside and just goes CRAZY. He's rolling around, punching walls, hitting the ground, and by the time he's finally tired out he got himself all tie...

'No Nut November' was going pretty good for me until

someone played 'Beat it' by Michael Jackson.

Some kind of animal busted a nut in my backyard...

Must've been a squirrel.

I hate that it's already no nut November

I'm going to have to jack it a whole lot to keep my mind off of cashews...

Who will survive no nut november the longest?

The people with a severe nut allergy

What do you get when you cross a rodent, some money and a nut

A cashrew

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3 days remaining - Not Nut November has been so tough for me

Every time I crave for almond, I control the urge by masturbating.

Why is it difficult to follow no nut November ?

Well, it gets increasingly 'hard' as the days pass by.

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I am glad that No Nut November is finally over!

Now I can stop pretending that I didn't masturbate all month.

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My porn folder goes away during no nut november

I just want to come with it

What does a woman get for letting an Italian man nut inside her?

Prego

I was pretty sure i had nut allergy when i was kid

But my parents thought i was making it up to avoid church

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