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I don't get what's so hard about No Nut November

It's the 3rd day and I haven't eaten any nuts yet. I just distract myself by constantly masturbating all day.

So I nutted in this girls hair a few weeks ago....

I know Im black, but she didnt need to call it gorilla glue ):

What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?

Beer nuts are always over a dollar, whereas deer nuts are always under a buck.

Nutted in my girlfriends braces

Now my kids are behind bars

What do you call a pair of nuts on the wall?

Walnuts!

I’ll see myself out

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The Italian math challenge

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

'...

What did the nut say to the other nut when he was chasing him?

Imma cashew

Why did the nut work at the bank?

To cashew your cheque.

What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?

Beer nuts are always over a dollar, deer nuts are always under a buck.

Goofy, I know, but still makes me laugh 20 years after I first heard it!

ETA: GUYS! Thanks so much for the upvotes, I've never had so many! Y'all made my night!

A man gets a flat tire outside the fence of an insane asylum.

While he's changing the tire he sees a patient on the other side of the fence observing him so he hurries. He gets the flat off and puts the spare on, but since he was rushing to get out of there, he accidentally drops all 4 lug nuts down a drain. While he's standing there staring at the spare wit...

Two nuts chilling on a tree, one slipped and started to fall...

... The other one said “don’t worry bro, imma Cashew”

It’s No Nut November’s Muslim cousin time

Refrain Rub Ramadan

The Nut Cracker Suite

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. ...

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A man is walking along the Las Vegas strip, and meets the most beautiful woman he's ever seen....

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.

"How much for a hand-job?"

"$5,000" she replies.

"$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way."

"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a re...

I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting

He cumbusted

My wife went nuts when I bought our 6 year old son a jigsaw.

Well, that laminate flooring ain't going to cut itself.

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Terrible pain in my nuts!

Well I went to the doctors because I had a pain in my balls, a aching pain deep in my nutsack, and so I go to the doctors, and it’s a female doctor, I walk into her office, I describe my problem and I show her my bits and she tells me I have to stop jerking off! “Stop jerking off?!” I ask her, “that...

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Post nut clarity can be devastating

it's like cumming to your senses

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If November is "No Nut" November What Does That Make December?

The cumming month?

(NSFW)So I'm tickling my little sisters foot, and my mom goes absolutely nuts and starts beating me up...

Nobody told me not to touch her until she's born...

What kind of Nuts urinates?

A peanut.

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What do you call it when a veteran nuts in a prostitute?

Dishonorable discharge.

I walked into a store and noticed they were selling deer nuts for $1.25

Every other time I've seen them, they were under a buck.

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I asked my friend if he would ever dare to shave his nut sack with a straight razor

He said he tried it once while in college, but it was so bad that he hasn't got the balls to try it again.

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(NSFW) I crushed No Nut November.

I didn't eat a single nut the whole month. (The trick is to masterbate everytime you get hungry for a nut)

Do you think America's gone nuts?

Nah. They've gone coup coup.

What do you call a robots one night stand?

A nut and bolt

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My girlfriend thought it would be kinky to paint our privates, but after I painted my nuts, she changed her mind and left

I've had blue balls ever since

What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?

Nuttin'

Roses are red, nuts are brown

Skirts go up, pants go down.

Body to body, skin to skin.

When it’s stiff, just stick it in.

It goes in dry and comes out wet and the longer it’s in, the stronger it gets.

It comes out dripping and It starts to sag.

Nothing to enjoy more on Sundays than a Lipto...

What is the most allergic nut?

The Ca.........shew!!!!!

I'll see myself out.

When you’re trying to find a guy with ticklish nuts

It takes a lot of test tickles

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Person 1: what do you call nuts on a wall?

Person 2: wallnuts.

Person 1: what do you call nuts on a chest?

Person 2: chestnuts.

Person 1: what do you call nuts on your chin?

Person 2: chin nuts?

Person 1: no, a dick in your mouth

Why is No Nut November so goddamn boring?

It is probably the most anticlimactic month

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One ...

A guy walks into a bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

A couple of minutes later, he hears a disembodied voice say “Nice shirt.” He looks around, but there’s no one nearby that could’ve said it.

Confused, he shrugs it off. A few moments later, he hears the same voice, “I like your tie, too.” He quickly looks around. No one is even near him.
...

When I predicted this pandemic ahead of time everyone but my optician said I was nuts.

He told me I have 2020 vision!

A retired man purchased a home near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began...

...One afternoon early into the first semester, three loud young boys came down his street, beating merrily on every bin they came across. They then did so the following day and the day after that, until finally the retiree decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walke...

What's the worst thing about having a nut allergy?

Every month is No Nut November!

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My friend confessed his fetish for putting his dick in coconut

He's fucking nuts

It was time to get our chimney cleaned so I called a professional chimney sweep. He checks things out and after 10 minutes hands me an estimate. After checking it out I protested. "Twenty five hundred! Are you nuts? I'll clean it myself!

Ok soot yourself.

Did you hear about the man who went to the psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but plastic wrap?

The psychiatrist said "this won't take long, I can clearly see your nuts"

Santa most definitely passed No Nut November

He only comes in December.

"Yeah. Those animals across our southern border have ruined their own country and our trying to invade and ruin ours. With their rampent guns and drugs... their government has become a shambles of nut job military and rich drug addicts who don't care about anyone!

Eh?"

Kicked a mime in the nuts today.

Very effective unmute option.

Steve and John are watching the football when Johns dog starts licking its nuts. Steve says "i wish I could do that"

To which John replies "probably best to pat him first or he might bite ya"

I've already failed No Nut November

I failed the first time at 1:37am, and the second time at 1:11am.

Y’all are nuts- Trump TOTALLY made America great again.

So what if he had to lose an election for that to happen.

America failed No Nut November,

This election featured the two biggest nuts in recent US history.

A guy limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.

The attendant began to make it for him and said "Crushed nuts?" And the guy said, No, I just have a bad knee."

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Stop alright! It's not No Nut November!

It's always Jack-off January, Fap February, Masturbate March, Abuse-yo-cock April, Maniacally beat-yo-meat May, Jizzy June, Jerk July, Abolish-yo-junk August, Seep-yo-seed September, Orgasmic October, Nut November, Destroy Dick December.

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Truck nuts. The balls are on the outside...

But the dick is on the inside.

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"I can't think until after I ejaculate,"

I came to realize.





*edit:* thank you for the awards! My mom's going to be so proud I got my first ones on a pun about post-nut clarity!

What’s the difference between a chickpea and a Brazilian nut?

I wouldn’t let a chickpea in my mouth.

her: I'll have the salad, no nuts, please.

**waiter:** of course

**me:** it didn’t say it had nuts

**her:** I'm allergic, so I tell them to be safe

**me:** that makes sense

**waiter:** and for you?

**me:** steak, no bees, please.

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I am totally nailing No Nut November. The secret is

Every time I want to eat nuts, I masturbate

I go nuts for washers

You know what I'm talking a bolt?

Fastest thing in the Universe

Three scientists were discussing what was the fastest thing in the universe.

"Light! Light is the fastest thing in the Universe. You turn the light switch and light comes instantly!", said the first one.

"No, you are wrong", said the second one. "Thought is fastest. You think and it's ...

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Three Rabbis

Three rabbis were walking and they came to the more questionable part of town. They pass by a shop that has a sign which reads...

Blowjobs:
$25
$50
$100

The first rabbi looks at the sign and says “My friends, it is time I enjoy some of the joys of the flesh. I am going to go a...

No Nut November challenge is not gonna be a problem at all

It’s not hard at my age

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Why did Mr. Peanut divorce his wife?

Because she was fucking nuts.

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Two men were discussing their favorite sex styles

Man 1: I usually go doggy style or cowgirl. It’s just the easiest for me.

Man 2: Then you never had it in machinists style. You gotta try that it’s the best.

Man 1: What do you do in the machinist style?

Man 2: Screw, nut and bolt.

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What do peanut butter and prostitutes have in common?

They both spread for bread

Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?

Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.

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What Happens When a Spirit Masturbates ?

It gets ghost nut clarity.

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Gates of Heaven

4 nuns die in a tragic bus crash.

They find themselves at the gates of heaven, where Peter greets them warmly. "Sisters, to enter into heaven, you must confess a sin." The sisters line up in front of Peter, who is smiling warmly.

The first nun pauses, takes a deep breath, and says "I....

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It all started with a bat. Then toilet paper. Now we’re going nuts in quarantine.

We really have gone bat, shit, crazy.

I heard male bees die after mating

I call that a honey nut cheerio

A man walks into a bar and sits down at the counter the bowl of nuts says he has a nice suit when he asks the bartender why they can talk, he says that they are complimentary

well, that joke SUCKED

Heard about the Egyptian tomb stuffed full of wafer, nuts & chocolate?

Archaeologists think it was Pharaoh Rocher.

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No Nut November is gonna be super easy this year.

I decided to stop eating nuts altogether. It was cutting into my masturbation time too much.

What do you call 5 naked French men?

Deix Nuts!

What does Batman says to Superman's deez nuts joke?

GOTHAM!

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Sex Ed

Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor.

One got a D, the second a D-, and the third an F.

"One day we should get her for this," said the first boy. "

“We’ll grab her” he continued. “And we’ll tie her up!” said the second.

"Yeah," said...

A pirate walks into a bar

The bartender asks him, “Hey, is that a steering wheel in your pants.”

The pirate responds, “Ayyyy, it’s drivin’ me nuts!”

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Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

A: "We better get some support before someone thinks we're nuts!"

Urgent news: A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.

Archologist believe it maybe Pharaoh Roche...

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My mate said he can tighten up nuts and bolts with his butt.

Personally I think he torques out of his arse

Edit: Silver, Gold, Platinum, and got to the front page.

Thankyou everyone!

Oingo Boingo

A group of men were captured in the deep darkest jungle by a tribe. They were trussed up, and marched into the camp, where they were drumming and singing.

The chieftain walked up to them and offered them each a choice. "Oingo boingo, or death?"

The first man said "well, I don't want ...

A man walks into his psychiatrist appointment wearing nothing but cellophane

The shrink takes one look at him and says “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

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A homeless guy was caught at a craft store dipping his balls into a bag of glitter

It was pretty nuts.

I just got over my addiction to chocolate, nuts and marshmallows.

I have to admit it was a rocky road.

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A dick has it rough.

Not only are his closest friends nuts, but his neighbor’s an asshole.
And if that weren’t enough, he regularly takes a beating.

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Him: We should make a sex tape.

Me: For what? You nut so fast, it'll only be a gif.

A Pirate Walked Into A Bar With A Ship's Wheel

A pirate walked into a bar with a ship's wheel fastened to his belt buckle. The bartender says, "Sir, do you know you have a ship's wheel fastened to your belt buckle?" To which the pirate responds, "Aye, it's driving me nuts!"

How does a nut say good bye to another nut?

I'll Cashew later bro.

What do you call it when a alien bust a nut

A starburst

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A man comes to visit his friend...

...and notices a huge, asian gong in his living room. So he asks him, why does he have such a huge gong. "Oh, that is no gong, it's a talking clock! Here, let me show you!"

He grabs a mallet and hits the gong with full force. And from the next apartment could be heard: **"ARE YOU FUCKING NUTS...

So, no nut November has been over for about a week...

About how long should it take for them to grow back?

What is the difference between a nut and bolt and a pregnant woman?

You can unscrew a nut and bolt.

I used to be a French cheese nut

But now I camembert it any longer

The local Ice Cream man was found dead on the floor of his van, covered in nuts, sprinkles and sauce.

The police think he topped himself.

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Have you heard about the peanut rapist?

He's out there and he's fucking nuts! If you're not careful, he'll cashew.

Having puppies

**Three dogs are at the vet's. Talking dog talk.**

Rover, "Why are you guys here?"

Sparky, "I been peeing all over the house. I'm going to get my nuts cut off." Ruff.

Barky, "I growl at everything. I'm going to get my nuts cut off. Ruff.

How about you Rover?"

Rover...

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My left nut thinks it's better than my right nut.

He can be egotesticle.

On a cold, snowy day, a man's car has a flat tire in front of a mental hospital.

As he's trying to change the tire, several patients are watching him through holes in the fence. He puts the hubcap down on the snow, and starts putting the loose lug nuts in the hubcap. When he gets the wheel off, he accidentally steps on the edge of the hubcap, and the lug nuts go flying off in...

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Have you ever wondered about why Planter's Peanuts killed off Mr. Peanut? What if there was another sex tape controversy?

That would be fucking nuts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, a guy is being shown around an insane asylum on his first day of working there

He looks into a room through a window in the door and sees a man flailing his arms back and forth. So he asks “What are you doing in there”?

The reply back is “I’m a famous baseball player, and when I get out of here I’m going to win the World Series”

Moving on to the next door and lo...

ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.

ALDI’s nuts

How do you make a room full of epileptics go nuts?

Ask someone with parkingsons disease to turn off the lights

What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?

Cashew.

Young couple at doctors office

Young couple visits doctor seeking advice,

"Sir you gotta help us, we tried everything to have a baby, we tried vitamins, we tried changing positions, we tried every different day of the month, we searched internet for pregnancy advice, but we just can't seem to have any luck with it, we need...

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Childbirth

All my life, I've heard women say that childbirth is the most painful thing in the world, even worse than a man getting kicked between the legs. How they know that? I'm not sure. But I can prove them wrong: A woman has a baby. A year-and-a-half to two years later, she wants another one. I've never h...

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What does a robot do after sex?

Screws, nuts and bolts

What do you call two guys scissoring?

Mixed nuts.

A lady goes into a tattoo palor...

to get a tat of Elvis on the inside of her thigh.

Her and the artist pick out an Elvis she likes and he goes to work.

When he's finished, she looks down and flips out! "That doesn't look anything thing like Elvis"!

They argue back and forth for a bit, and he tells her he'll do o...

Once upon a time on a dig in Egypt...

A few years ago I was in Egypt, on a dig site, not far from the banks of the Nile but out of the way of the Pyramids and Statues you'd associate with the usual "big finds" of the late 19th/early 20th century.

We were looking for a tomb, a new paper had raised interesting questions about a po...

Deer nuts are always the same price worldwide....

Always under a buck! lol


My 11 year old son told me this joke today and thought I'd share with everyone.

Nuts and Dates

Lady to grocer: Mister, where are the nuts?
G: Lady, I don’t have any nuts.
L: Then where are the dates?
G: Lady, if I had nuts I’d have dates.

I put Truck Nuts on my fleet of Volkswagen Beetles

And now I have genital Herbies.

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If a woman's bra is an "Over-the-Shoulder-Boulder-Holder" and a man's underwear is an "Under-the-Butt-Nut-Hut"...

Then does that make a woman's panties a "Below-the-Patch-Snatch-Hatch?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Man Who Needed Help.

So, a man walks into a Physiatrist office, he is wearing no clothing, but he is wrapped from head to toe in Saran wrap...

He asks the Shrink if in his profession opinion the man is okay.

The Physiatrist say; "Well I can clearly see your nuts!".

The man in Cling wrap turns aroun...

A Spartan, a Samurai and a Skald are summoned for Mortal Kombat.

Their first opponent is the dread-sorcerer Shang Tsung. The Spartan goes first, and quickly overpowers Shang Tsung, but is unsure of what to do next. Shang Tsung then speaks a word of power and the Spartan trips over his own cape and impales himself headfirst upon his spear. Shang Tsung laughs and s...

What hardware store would you yell out if you took a shot to the nuts?

Ow! Menards!!

Ever been walking in the woods and had nuts fall on your head?

You just got treebagged.

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