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No Nut November was pretty tough

Now I can finally eat nuts again, thank God I had masturbation to keep my mind off of the sweet little bastards.

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My mate said he can tighten up nuts and bolts with his butt.

Personally I think he torques out of his arse

Edit: Silver, Gold, Platinum, and got to the front page.

Thankyou everyone!

What hurts more? Giving birth or being kicked in the nuts.

Kicked in the nuts, you don't ever hear guys asking to be kicked in the nuts again.

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are 1.49 and deer nuts are under a buck.

I walked into a store and noticed they were selling deer nuts for $1.25

Every other time I've seen them, they were under a buck.

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If a woman's bra is an "Over-the-Shoulder-Boulder-Holder" and a man's underwear is an "Under-the-Butt-Nut-Hut"...

Then does that make a woman's panties a "Below-the-Patch-Snatch-Hatch?"

What did one nut say when it was chasing another nut?

I’m a cashew!

My nuts don’t itch

My test-tickles

What did one nut say to the other nut?

Why are we doing the hanging? The guy between us did the shooting!

What's the difference between a nut and bolt and a pregnant woman?

You can unscrew a nut and bolt.

Above is the classic punchline, but it occurs to me there is another:

...but you can't unscrew a pregnant woman, you can only nut and bolt.

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A student in a psych class is asking his professor about sexual fetishes.

Student: Do you know the scientific names of most of the sexual fetishes?

Prof: I believe I know just about all of them, I’ve been teaching psychology for over 40 years.

Student: well what do you call a person who is aroused by dead people.

Prof: easy, that’s a necrophiliac....

Some kind of animal busted a nut in my backyard...

Must've been a squirrel.

TIL most females have a nut allergy.

You nut in them and they could swell for 9 months.

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What do you call nuts on the wall? -Walnuts. What do you call nuts on your chest? - Chestnuts. What do you call nuts on your chin?... ? ? .. nothing because you’ve got a mouth full of dick.

Lool my uncle told me this yesterday it is an absolute cracker ;)

Craving for nuts

Last Friday I had a craving for nuts, so I spent the whole day with my wife and her mother.

Archaeologists in Egypt have unearthed a tomb containing a mummy covered in chocolate & nuts.

Excited they believe it is the remains of the long lost Pharaoh Roche.

What's green and eats nuts?

Syphilis

From my 8 year old son: What's the beard's favorite kind of nut?

Mustachios

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One ...

What are Donald Trump's favorite kind of nuts?

Walnuts

A guy walks into a bar ....

He sits on a bar stool waiting for the bartender.
"Nice tie!" He was startled looking around to see would said that to him and there was no one around. "Nice Shoes" he hears and again, looking around to see who said that to him and still no one was around. The bartender finally comes over and ...

How did the school bullies kill a kid with a nut allergy?

They would always pecan him.



Father's Day weekend Dad joke.

Why doesn’t Aldi have its own brand of nuts?

They could call it Aldi’s nuts.

Ha got emm

What's the sound a nut makes when it sneezes?

Cashew!!

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Nut Allergy NSFWish

I think my wife has developed a nut allergy. It's been months since she knobbed me.

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What does a robot do after sex?

Nuts and bolts.

I've heard Dunkin Donuts is going to be the official sponsor of no nut November.

Their name will be Dunkin Nonuts for a month.

If you nut on a dead person

Are you ghost busting?

What looks like a nut and sounds like a sneeze?

Cashew

What’s the most dangerous part of a car?

The nut that holds the steering wheel.

What do you call a nut with facial hair?

A pistachio...

What happens when you put Nutella on salmon?

You get *salmonella*

How do you make a room full of epileptics go nuts?

Ask someone with parkingsons disease to turn off the lights

What sound do nuts make when they sneeze?

“Cash-ew”

;) *wink wonk* I dont know how I came up with that one

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My Math teacher went nuts today in Geometry class and started ranting about Japan, Italy, and Germany.

He said we need to know about the ex axis.

Why is almond milk called almond milk?

Because no one can say “nut juice” with a straight face.

What is a Scholar’s favourite kind of nut?

A Macademia nut!

Which is the most educated nut?

mAcademia.

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What's sometimes soft, sometimes hard, hangs out with nuts, and spits when you tug on it?

a penis

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Sex therapists claim that the best way to arouse a man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears.

Personally I think it’s nuts.

Have you ever heard of the Greek hero Bophades?

He was one of the heroes who fought in the Trojan War. His story is similar to the story of Achilles. When he was a child, his mother held him by the groin and dipped him in the river Styx, as to make him invincible in battle. However, just like Achilles, he had a weak spot. Because his mother held ...

This joke is nuts but its strictly for northeasterners

The rest of you no pecan

The Godfather’s relaxing at his social club...

...with his crew. The usual gaggle of young Turks waits in the wings, hoping to get noticed, hoping to move up.

The Godfather calls one of them over.

“Jimmy, I hear good things about you. They tell me you’re serious, that you can be trusted.”

Jimmy swells with pride.

“I ...

Why are mechanics absent fathers?

Because they nut and bolt

I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts

I won't lie, it was a Rocky Road.

The cheerio wanted to go to prom with a honey nut cheerio

A plain Cheerio wanted his prom date to be a beautiful Honey Nut Cheerio, the Cheerio asks the Honey Nut Cheerio to the dance, the Honey Nut Cheerio rejects and says "I only date Honey Nut Cheerios". A farmer approaches the now saddened Cheerio and tells him "Do some work on my farm and I'll turn yo...

Why did the squirrel cross the river on his back?

Too keep his nuts dry.

after a vasectomy, make sure to ice your nuts

it makes a vas deferens.

What did one nut tell the other before they seperated?

"Bye, I'll cashew later."

You can actually nut during November.

You just can’t have anyone cashew.

What's the most expensive nut?

The one where you don't pull out.

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself cautiously, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

Roses are red

Nuts are brown

Skirts go up

Pants go down

Body to body Skin to skin

When its stiff

Stick it in

The Longer its in

The Stronger it gets

It goes in dry And comes out wet

It comes out dripping And starts to sag

Its not what you think....

What did the cannibal say when he was eating the College Professor's nuts?

Mmm. Academia!

I’ve started using garlic in my magic act. First I start by crushing it, adding basil and some pine nuts and then I blend them altogether with some Parmesan and olive oil...

Then…hey…pesto!

What did the bratty nut say to Dr Phil?

Cashew outside. How 'bou dat?

Why are peanuts afraid of going out?

They’re afraid of getting a-salted

Use the words chicken, nut, and bread in one sentence.

When my sister got pregnant, my Filipino mother told my dad to stop choking her because chicken nut bread.

A guy was watching the game, drinking a few beers and popping beer nuts into his mouth, when his wife began yelling at him. He turned his head toward her and accidentally popped a beer nut into his ear.

Both him and his wife tried and tried but neither could get it out. All right she said, lets get you to the hospital. As they walked outside their daughter and her boyfriend walked up and she asked, where are you and dad going. The mother said, we're off to the hospital, your father has a beer nut c...

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Have you seen r/tifu recently.

They’re fucking nuts.

What are the most secretive nuts?

Psst...achios.

Lightning McQueen has a nut allergy

cashew

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I have two neighbours, one is a dick and the other is nuts.

/rAmITheAsshole

When cops arrest a clinically insane person...

...are they busting a nut?

'No Nut November' was going pretty good for me until

someone played 'Beat it' by Michael Jackson.

Today I was asked about my job manufacturing nuts and bolts

I told them it was quite riveting

Look, No Nut November jokes are pretty lame right now but

in December their time will come

Wait, you didn’t hear about the terrorist attack on the Dried Fruits and Nuts convention?

I guess you don’t follow currant events.

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What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

**If we don’t get some support soon, people are going to think we’re are nuts**

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