What hurts more? Giving birth or being kicked in the nuts.

Kicked in the nuts, you don't ever hear guys asking to be kicked in the nuts again.

I walked into a store and noticed they were selling deer nuts for $1.25

Every other time I've seen them, they were under a buck.

I just nutted on my boss's daughter

Sadly, im self-employed.

[NSFW]What's green and eats nuts?

Syphilis.

I don't get why people are going on about no nut November

It's like any other month if you are married.

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts generally go for three dollars or so, but deer nuts are under a buck.

What happens when you fail at No Nut November?

Nuttin'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the left nut tell the right nut?

Don't talk to the middle guy, he's a dick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 days remaining - Not Nut November has been so tough for me

Every time I crave for almond, I control the urge by masturbating.

My Dad put together my bed recently without any hex nuts,

It fell apart within a few days, I asked my dad why he didn't put them on.

"Its November."

I put a nut on a bolt today.

It was riveting.

Little known fact, you can actually nut during No Nut November

You just can't let anyone cashew

Caterpod is useless in no nut November

Cos he cant harden.


(Not that he's useful anyway)

Who will survive no nut november the longest?

The people with a severe nut allergy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s No Nut November and we’re accepting bets until 11/11.

“Step right up and ‘come’ on in! Go make a bet on any male candidate. Claim your prize after No Nut November ends., but ONLY if the candidate don’t nut. It’s $69 per ticket!
Double your winnings if they don’t nut for the next week!”

With semenly impossible odds, this is a good way to net...

Some Kids Are Just Nuts...

In the kindergarten, the teacher was helping a boy with putting on his boots. They were so hard to put on, that the teacher couldn't take less than one minute to put one of them.

The teacher was just about to be done putting on the first boot, when the kid said:

\- You're putting the w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am glad that No Nut November is finally over!

Now I can stop pretending that I didn't masturbate all month.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If a woman's bra is an "Over-the-Shoulder-Boulder-Holder" and a man's underwear is an "Under-the-Butt-Nut-Hut"...

Then does that make a woman's panties a "Below-the-Patch-Snatch-Hatch?"

I hate that it's already no nut November

I'm going to have to jack it a whole lot to keep my mind off of cashews...

You may have heard of No Nut November

But after I came twice in April what I’m really hoping for is a No Fetus February

Hey guys it’s no nut November...

Which sucks cuz thanksgiving is the only time I see my cousins.

I threw a party to celebrate making it to week 4 of No Nut November

Nobody came

On one hand, I can nut.

On the other hand, I cannot.

What do you call school for nuts?

Macademia

Yesterday I failed No Nut November

I guess I should have seen it cumming.

How do you fight a squirrel looking for a nut?

You beat him off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm participating in No Nut November.

I just wish my wife would have told me that I was starting in September.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

No Nut November was pretty tough

Now I can finally eat nuts again, thank God I had masturbation to keep my mind off of the sweet little bastards.

What did one nut say when it was chasing another nut?

I’m a cashew!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mate said he can tighten up nuts and bolts with his butt.

Personally I think he torques out of his arse

Edit: Silver, Gold, Platinum, and got to the front page.

Thankyou everyone!

Day 26 of no nut November

I've already mastered time travel.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My porn folder goes away during no nut november

I just want to come with it

Why is it difficult to follow no nut November ?

Well, it gets increasingly 'hard' as the days pass by.

What is a professor's favorite kind of nut?

M-acadamia nuts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

No Nut November is gonna be super easy

I never eat nuts.

Eating nuts just cuts into masturbation time.

What did King Arthur say when his wife asked if he failed No Nut November?

"Yeah, I Camelot"

I always walk a lot slower during No Nut November...

I guess I'm over enCUMbered

I don't like nuts in my ice cream....

But my Boyfriend loves nuts in his.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call nuts on a wall?

Walnuts


What do you call nuts on your chest?

Chestnuts


What do you call nuts on your chin?

A blow job

Those of you who aint doing the No Nut November Challenge this year, you lack self control and discipline

You are nuttin

From my 8 year old son: What's the beard's favorite kind of nut?

Mustachios

What’s the difference between an islamic hide out and an Afghan pine nut farm?

I don’t know, I just fly the drones.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.
"How much for a hand-job?"
"$5,000" she replies.
"$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way."
"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a res...

What's the difference between a nut and bolt and a pregnant woman?

You can unscrew a nut and bolt.

Above is the classic punchline, but it occurs to me there is another:

...but you can't unscrew a pregnant woman, you can only nut and bolt.

My kids were driving me nuts one day so I got some tranquilizers and sure enough, right on the bottle, it says:

Warning! Keep Away From Children

TIL most females have a nut allergy.

You nut in them and they could swell for 9 months.

If you nut on a dead person

Are you ghost busting?

There’s a nut in the cashew family that makes you sneeze...

They call it a blessew.

If Trump's favorite movie is WALL-E and his favorite store is Wal-Mart, what's his favorite nut?

The one that created Ivanka

I've heard Dunkin Donuts is going to be the official sponsor of no nut November.

Their name will be Dunkin Nonuts for a month.

Some kind of animal busted a nut in my backyard...

Must've been a squirrel.

My nuts don’t itch

My test-tickles

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call nuts on the wall? -Walnuts. What do you call nuts on your chest? - Chestnuts. What do you call nuts on your chin?... ? ? .. nothing because you’ve got a mouth full of dick.

Lool my uncle told me this yesterday it is an absolute cracker ;)

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One ...

I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts

I won't lie, it was a Rocky Road.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

We’d better get some support or people will think we’re nuts.

Craving for nuts

Last Friday I had a craving for nuts, so I spent the whole day with my wife and her mother.

A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. "Captain," one of the passenger asks, "who is that man over there?"

"I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."

Archaeologists in Egypt have unearthed a tomb containing a mummy covered in chocolate & nuts.

Excited they believe it is the remains of the long lost Pharaoh Roche.

What did one nut say to the other nut?

Why are we doing the hanging? The guy between us did the shooting!

How do you make a room full of epileptics go nuts?

Ask someone with parkingsons disease to turn off the lights

Why doesn’t Aldi have its own brand of nuts?

They could call it Aldi’s nuts.

Ha got emm

What's the most expensive nut?

A baby.

Man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing

Man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but cellophane. The doctor says "I can clearly see your nuts"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Men who sticks their dick in jar of peanut butter...

are fucking nuts.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants

Bartender: "Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?"

Pirate: "Arrrr, it's driving me nuts!"

I once got in a rap battle with a peanut.

He was roasted.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Math teacher went nuts today in Geometry class and started ranting about Japan, Italy, and Germany.

He said we need to know about the ex axis.

What do you call a nut with facial hair?

A pistachio...

What is a Scholar’s favourite kind of nut?

A Macademia nut!

I fed this kid peanut and he almost died.

I guess some people take No Nut November way too seriously.

Which is the most educated nut?

mAcademia.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?

Hold onto your nuts, this is no ordinary blowjob.

The Indian chief goes to the white man doctor and asks "Too many papoose! What do?"

The doc gives him a condom, and explains the principles.

A couple of months later, the chief comes back, saying "No good! Right nut go urggh! Left nut go urrgh! Rubber go boom!"

So the doc cuts a few custom "rubbers" out of the fingers of a heavy duty latex glove, saying "Try these...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dick has a sad life

His family is nuts, his neighbor is an ass, his best friend is a pussy and his owner beats him.

after a vasectomy, make sure to ice your nuts

it makes a vas deferens.

This joke is nuts but its strictly for northeasterners

The rest of you no pecan

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering wheel tied to his testicles

The bartender says "hey you know there's a steering wheel tied to your balls?"

The pirate says "arrrgh, it's driving me nuts!"

Last night I played a blank cassette tape at full blast.

The mime next door went nuts.

Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat.

While Jones is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which Jones was keeping the lug nuts. the nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.

Jones is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, wh...

What did the boy robot do on his one night stand

Nut and bolt

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

To keep their nuts dry.

I asked my boss for a raise in pay

He replied, asking why I want raisins for as they already pay me peanuts. I told him I wanted to make trail mix.

Why do vegetarians give good head?

Because they’re used to eating nuts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW:A nurse was making her rounds at the insane asylum...

Her first stop a man had his dick in his hands and was swinging it like a baseball bat."Just what are you doing?"she asks.

"I'm Babe Ruth,the world's most famous baseball player."

She continues to the next room where she sees the patient holding his dick like a golf club.And just what ...

An old lady offers the bus driver some peanuts.

So the driver
happily munches them.


Every 5 minutes she gives him a
handful more peanut.


Driver: Why don't you eat them
yourself?


Old lady: I can't chew. Look, I
have no teeth.


Driver: Then why do you buy
them?


Old lady: Oh, I jus...

So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure," I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

"What a nice lady," I thought, while happily munch...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.