Nutted in my girlfriends braces

Now my kids are behind bars

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I don't get what's so hard about No Nut November

It's the 3rd day and I haven't eaten any nuts yet. I just distract myself by constantly masturbating all day.

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17th Day of "No Nut November."

I put a pair of flipflops on and ran down the road to remind me of how sex sounds....

They've unearthed a sarcophagus in Egypt filled with chocolate and nuts

The mummy was wrapped in gold foil, so they believe it is the legendary Pharaoh Rocher

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After masturbating post nut clarity hit hard

I guess you could say I came to my senses

No Nut November.

How is everyone coping with "No Nut November.?"


I have beaten it 26 times already...

what do you get if you nut and fart at the same time?

banned from the supermarket

Guys, I've already failed No Nut November

I'm eating my reese's as we speak

No nuts please

Her: I'll have the salad, no nuts please
Waiter: Of course
Me: It didn't say it had nuts?
Her: I'm allergic, so I tell them to be safe
Me: That makes sense
Waiter: and for you?
Me: Steak, no bees, please.

What's the difference of deer nuts and beer nuts?

Beer nuts are a $1.75, but deer nut are under a buck.

What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?

Beer nuts are always over a dollar, deer nuts are always under a buck.

Goofy, I know, but still makes me laugh 20 years after I first heard it!

ETA: GUYS! Thanks so much for the upvotes, I've never had so many! Y'all made my night!

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What did one saggy boob say to the other?

If we don't get some support soon people will think that we're nuts!

What do you call a pair of nuts on the wall?

Walnuts!

I’ll see myself out

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No Nut November is going great so far

Every time I think about eating almonds, I just masterbate. It’s not hard guys.

I nutted in my girlfriend in 3.14 secs

She asked me, what just happened to which i replied “cream π” .

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Everyone knows the story of Achilles, but no one remembers his twin brother Bophadese.

Their mother Thetis, dunked them both into the River Styx to make them immortal. She held Achilles by the heel and Bophades by the testicles, and while everyone has heard of Achilles Heel, very few are familiar with Bophades Nuts.

My friend told me he once got stoned and licked a million guys nuts.

He was very high per ball lick.

Scans of a newly discovered sarcophagus have revealed that the mummy inside was coated in nuts and chocolate

It’s believed to have been body of Pharaoh Roche.

So I nutted in this girls hair a few weeks ago....

I know Im black, but she didnt need to call it gorilla glue ):

How does a nut sneeze?

They go, "Caaa-shew!"

If beating your meat can help you get Post-nut Clarity, maybe it is better do it twice for really important decisions to have

Two-Fapper Authentication

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A penis has a sad life..

A penis has a sad life. His hair is a mess; his family is nuts; his next-door neighbor is an asshole; his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him habitually.

What does a toolbox and a deadbeat dad have in common?

Screws, nuts, and bolts.

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What do you call a robot sex worker that only does one-night stands?

Nuts’n bolts

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A guy gets put in a nursing home by his son. He doesn’t know if he’s going to like it at first, but he decides to give it a shot for his son’s sake.

The first morning in the nursing home he wakes up with a hard on. Out of nowhere a beautiful nurse's aide walks in, bends over & blows him without saying a word.
The guy gets on the phone with his son and says, "Son, I love this place! Thank you so much for putting me in this nursing home....

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An Italian wants a job [read in an accent]

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

'W...

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Today I urinated and then masturbated

You can say I peanut

I saw a squirrel bury a nut in my backyard today.

I'm going to swap it for a grilled cheese sandwich and blow his mind.

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I saw an old man dip his balls into glitter

It was pretty nuts

I’m sad to report I have a bad nut allergy

Every time I eat one, I let out a little cashew

A Spartan, a Samurai and a Skald are summoned for Mortal Kombat.

Their first opponent is the dread-sorcerer Shang Tsung.


The Spartan goes first, and quickly overpowers Shang Tsung, but is unsure of what to do next. Shang Tsung then speaks a word of power and the Spartan trips over his own cape and impales himself headfirst upon his own spear. Sha...

I walked into a store and noticed they were selling deer nuts for $1.25

Every other time I've seen them, they were under a buck.

A nice old lady gives a bus driver some nuts…

A nice old lady on a bus offers the bus driver some peanuts, the driver happily eats them.
Every five minutes the old lady hands the driver a handful of nuts, eventually he asks:

“Why don’t you eat them yourself?”
To which the old lady replies

“I don’t have any teeth, look” ...

Male bees die after mating.

That's basically their entire life.

Honey, Nut, Cheerio

A joke my Polish friend loved.

[Full of errors I'm sure. On to the brilliant joke.]

A polish farmeris tilling his field. It's another beautiful spring day when suddenly his plough hits something. Upon inspection he sees that it's some sort of golden lamp. He dusts it off and a genie comes out of it and says to the humble p...

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A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?”

“Are you nuts?!” – she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” – he asks again.

“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?” So the guy runs around the ...

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My vodka Christmas cake recipe

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!) 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4...

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Who's egg is it anyways!

There was once a Irishman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Irishman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.


One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's ...

What's green and eats nuts?

Gonorrhea

A guy goes to the psychiatrist wearing nothing but Saran Wrap

The psychiatrist says “I can clearly see your nuts”

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I asked my friend if he would ever dare to shave his nut sack with a straight razor

He said he tried it once while in college, but it was so bad that he hasn't got the balls to try it again.

10% of European babies are conceived on an IKEA bed.

So, be sure to follow the instructions.

Put Peg A into Slot B, and then screw until the nuts tighten.

What did the nut say to the other nut when he was chasing him?

Imma cashew

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Adam said unto the lord...

‘This garden of Eden you have provided, it has endless beauty and boundless supplies of nuts and berries.
But I’ve no one to share it with oh lord.’

The lord was a pretty sharp dude and said unto Adam...

‘Actually I’ve been thinking about that very problem. I can see that you are ...

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The Jar in the bar

A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?" "Well, here's the deal. You pay 10 dollars, and if you pass th...

After a terrible shipwreck,,,

After a terrible shipwreck, a man found himself alone on an island. He went about the island in search of food and shelter. After a long walk, the man froze in terror as he saw a tribe of cannibals in the middle of a celebration.

The man thought to himself, "I am so screwed!" To his surpr...

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What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?

Hold on to your nuts this will be one hell of a blow job!

(My brother and I heard this in the school yard when we were 9&6 respectively. That night he told it at the dinner table when my grandma was over!)

A man goes to a doctor because he always sees bugs that playing soccer through his eyes

Doctor: "So we need an MRI scan. We couid make you an appointment next sunday".
The patient seems surprised: "Are you nuts? Sunday is the finals".

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It is medically proven that regular ejaculations greatly reduce the risk of prostate cancer. (NSFW)

Call them Health Nuts.

So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

"What a nice lady", I thought, while happily mu...

Why did the nut work at the bank?

To cashew your cheque.

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(NSFW) I crushed No Nut November.

I didn't eat a single nut the whole month. (The trick is to masterbate everytime you get hungry for a nut)

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If November is "No Nut" November What Does That Make December?

The cumming month?

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What do you call it when a veteran nuts in a prostitute?

Dishonorable discharge.

There’s a peanut on an airplane

And he’s chatting it up with a flight attendant, this peanut’s name is Dillon. They’re having a very intimate conversation about where they’re from and where they are in life right now. Dillon is in the middle of explaining his ethnic background when the flight attendant interrupts him and says ‘No ...

There's a University called the National University of Science and Technology

It's not called the National University of Technology and Science, because that would be NUTS.

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The Legend of the King Sperm

So one day, all the sperm in a guy’s nuts were having a meeting.

“We always wait for our moment to shine, our shot to glory land, to do our mission, but we get stopped by the latex barrier! We never get to fulfill our duty!”

Thousands of sperm moaned and complained.

“But today, ...

(NSFW)So I'm tickling my little sisters foot, and my mom goes absolutely nuts and starts beating me up...

Nobody told me not to touch her until she's born...

I read about a guy that blocked an entire river with nothing but legumes

Dam thats nuts

So, a pirate walks into a bar..

..with a wheel in his crotch..

The bar tender says: "hey, man, what's with the wheel?"

And the pirate saysback: "Arrr! It's driving me nuts!"

What kind of Nuts urinates?

A peanut.

Two nuts chilling on a tree, one slipped and started to fall...

... The other one said “don’t worry bro, imma Cashew”

It’s No Nut November’s Muslim cousin time

Refrain Rub Ramadan

What is the most allergic nut?

The Ca.........shew!!!!!

I'll see myself out.

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Nutty Joke

I made this up while playing around at work, but I'm sure it's already been come up with at some point; however I would like to submit this joke:

Ask someone, "do you participate in No Nuts November?" They will either smile, look confused, or both. Then tell them that it's a peanut allergy aw...

It's my cake day and I don't know any new jokes so. Here are some old jokes I use to love as a kid

1. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
Answer = A stick.

2. What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Answer = Thunderwear.

3. Two pickles fell out of a jar onto the floor. What did one say to the other?
Answer = Dill with it.

4. What time is it when the...

Why is No Nut November so goddamn boring?

It is probably the most anticlimactic month

The Nut Cracker Suite

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. ...

THE crowded restaurant had a sign reading

“Not Responsible for Personal Items”, so Larry kept checking on his belongings.

Finally his friend said, “Larry, you’re driving me nuts. Stop watching our coats.”

“I’m only watching mine,” Larry said. “Yours was stolen half an hour ago.”

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One ...

A man gets a flat tire outside the fence of an insane asylum.

While he's changing the tire he sees a patient on the other side of the fence observing him so he hurries. He gets the flat off and puts the spare on, but since he was rushing to get out of there, he accidentally drops all 4 lug nuts down a drain. While he's standing there staring at the spare wit...

Where Does Honey come from?

BEEZ NUTS

I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting

He cumbusted

Capturing Gorilla

A guy wanted an assistant to help him hunt gorillas. As he is talking to a prospect assistant he explains to him the process:

We need a net, a gun and the dog for this.

We go to the jungle i spot a gorilla and i go up the tree to wrestle with him and through him off the tree. The dog i...

"Yeah. Those animals across our southern border have ruined their own country and our trying to invade and ruin ours. With their rampent guns and drugs... their government has become a shambles of nut job military and rich drug addicts who don't care about anyone!

Eh?"

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My girlfriend thought it would be kinky to paint our privates, but after I painted my nuts, she changed her mind and left

I've had blue balls ever since

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My mate said he can tighten up nuts and bolts with his butt.

Personally I think he torques out of his arse

Edit: Silver, Gold, Platinum, and got to the front page.

Thankyou everyone!

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Person 1: what do you call nuts on a wall?

Person 2: wallnuts.

Person 1: what do you call nuts on a chest?

Person 2: chestnuts.

Person 1: what do you call nuts on your chin?

Person 2: chin nuts?

Person 1: no, a dick in your mouth

What does an emotionally detached mechanic do with a bar hook-up?

Nuts and bolts.

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A boy gets an F in sex education.

He says "I can't believe it. I want to kick Mrs.Hall in the nuts for this!"

What is the most important part of an automobile?

The nut that holds the wheel.

I uploaded a picture of a walnut but people complained that it was too blurry.

Now I have to deal with the nut post clarity.

Do you think America's gone nuts?

Nah. They've gone coup coup.

2 guys walk into a bar

"Hey donkey get the beers in" shouts one guy to the other.

The man walks up to the barman and stutters " two bee... two bee... two beers please?" the barman starts to pour the mans beer when the guys friend shouts "Donkey! get me some nuts too"

The man stood at the bar says to the barm...

What’s the difference between a chickpea and a Brazilian nut?

I wouldn’t let a chickpea in my mouth.

When you’re trying to find a guy with ticklish nuts

It takes a lot of test tickles

An ovary walks up to another ovary and says...

"Hey, did you order an instrument from some crazy people?"

"No I didn't," says the ovary.

The first one replies: "Well there's two nuts outside trying to move an organ in!"

Why do they call it almond milk?

Cuz no one can say nut juice with a straight face....

Chess, the singing parrot

This guy goes into a pet shop looking for a bird. The shopkeeper brings him to a cage and tells him, “You won’t believe what this parrot Chess can do. He’s wonderfully talented, and his songs will blow your mind. Only $10,000.”

“That’s pretty steep,” he replies. “What’s so amazing about these...

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I had the strangest visitors this halloween…

As I opened the door, there stood three men. One butt naked with only a glass jar over his pecker, one in overalls and one furiously masturbating.

After overcoming my initial shock, I asked the man in overalls what the fuck they were doing here. He replied:”hey, sweetie, wanna do it machinist...

It was time to get our chimney cleaned so I called a professional chimney sweep. He checks things out and after 10 minutes hands me an estimate. After checking it out I protested. "Twenty five hundred! Are you nuts? I'll clean it myself!

Ok soot yourself.

Did you hear about the guy that escaped from a loony bin, went to the laundromat and assaulted some patrons, then ran away?

The headline in the paper read,

> Nut Screws Washers and Bolts.

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It all started with a bat. Then toilet paper. Now we’re going nuts in quarantine.

We really have gone bat, shit, crazy.

Santa most definitely passed No Nut November

He only comes in December.

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Stop alright! It's not No Nut November!

It's always Jack-off January, Fap February, Masturbate March, Abuse-yo-cock April, Maniacally beat-yo-meat May, Jizzy June, Jerk July, Abolish-yo-junk August, Seep-yo-seed September, Orgasmic October, Nut November, Destroy Dick December.

I've already failed No Nut November

I failed the first time at 1:37am, and the second time at 1:11am.

Steve and John are watching the football when Johns dog starts licking its nuts. Steve says "i wish I could do that"

To which John replies "probably best to pat him first or he might bite ya"

Y’all are nuts- Trump TOTALLY made America great again.

So what if he had to lose an election for that to happen.

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I am totally nailing No Nut November. The secret is

Every time I want to eat nuts, I masturbate

America failed No Nut November,

This election featured the two biggest nuts in recent US history.

When I predicted this pandemic ahead of time everyone but my optician said I was nuts.

He told me I have 2020 vision!

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A psychiatrist is making hs rounds in a mental hospital

He comes to the first room and sees the patient standing on his bed and swinging an imaginary bat. He asks the patient what he’s doing. The patient says “I’m not going to be here forever, so when I get better I want to be a baseball player” The doctor says that’s good to have a goal, and moves to th...

No Nut November challenge is not gonna be a problem at all

It’s not hard at my age

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Two dogs are sitting in the lounge room

Dog 1 - heard a good joke yesterday.

Dog 2 - oh yeah?

Dog 1 - knock kn...

Dog 2 *goes fucking nuts*

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A Bartender Walks into a bar

The night time bartender walk in to the bar at 6PM on a Friday night to relieve the day time bartender. He notices a guy sitting over in the corner of the bar with his right hand up to the side of his face and talking away.

The night time bartender says to the other bartender "Look at that ...

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Truck nuts. The balls are on the outside...

But the dick is on the inside.

A man walks into a bar and sits down at the counter the bowl of nuts says he has a nice suit when he asks the bartender why they can talk, he says that they are complimentary

well, that joke SUCKED

So, no nut November has been over for about a week...

About how long should it take for them to grow back?

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What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob.

A retired man purchased a home near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began...

...One afternoon early into the first semester, three loud young boys came down his street, beating merrily on every bin they came across. They then did so the following day and the day after that, until finally the retiree decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walke...

An Irishman walks into a Bar

An Irishman walks into a bar with a steering wheel shoved down the front of his pants. The bartender takes a look at him and asks, what's the deal with that steering wheel?

The Irishman responds " Aye, Its driving me nuts"

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I have a handkerchief I nut on

I call it a Wankerchief.

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