UPJOKE
pistachioballeggcrackpotnuttynutcasecrackersseedencranktestisscrewballbollockcrunchyenthusiast

Nutted in my girlfriends braces

Now my kids are behind bars

What's the Difference Between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts

Beer nuts are a buck ninety nine, and deer nuts are just under a buck

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

No Nut November is going great so far

Every time I think about eating almonds, I just masterbate. It’s not hard guys.

They recently found a mummy in Egypt covered in chocolate and nuts.

They think it was pharaoh rocher.

The geography of a woman as she ages: (from a friend)

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa .
Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe.
Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain.
Very hot, re...

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed like an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed..... in short, driving his partner nuts.

Finally, his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damm ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

His partner yells back, "Give me a break! You don't stand a chance of hitting her fr...

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.

He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do a lot of things that took two arms.

One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down when he saw a man skipping along, whistli...

What do you call it when astrology nuts argue?

Star Wars.

My son looked up from his homework and asked me, "Dad, what’s an acorn?" I smiled and explained...

"Well, in a nutshell, it’s an oak tree!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After masturbating post nut clarity hit hard

I guess you could say I came to my senses

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with a speech impediment enters a nut shop.

"How much for your peanutsh?" he asks the clerk.

"Twenty bucks a scoop," the clerk replies.

"How much for your cashewsth?"

"Five bucks a piece."

"How much for your pisthathiosth?"

"Ten bucks for a pair."

"Well, thankth you very much. And thankth you for not ...

What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?

Beer nuts are always over a dollar, deer nuts are always under a buck.

Goofy, I know, but still makes me laugh 20 years after I first heard it!

ETA: GUYS! Thanks so much for the upvotes, I've never had so many! Y'all made my night!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man get pulled over with his young son in the back seat.

The cop comes to the window.

"Sorry officer, I was rushing tog et home. My wife is throwing a dinner party for very important guests."

The cop writes him a ticket anyway, wishes him a good day and walks back to his patrol car. As he walks away, the dad mutters "Bastard."

The lit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't get what's so hard about No Nut November

It's the 3rd day and I haven't eaten any nuts yet. I just distract myself by constantly masturbating all day.

A guy walks into a bar, and orders a round. He hears a small voice say..

"You look nice today."

A few minutes later, it's that voice again, "That's a nice shirt."

The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?"

Says the bartender, "It's the peanuts. They're complimentary!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out you can get Botox for your ballsack to get all the wrinkles out.

Pretty nuts, right?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nuts

It you put nuts on a chest, what do you have? Chestnuts
If you put nuts on a wall, what do you have? Walnuts
If you put nuts on your chin, what do you have? I'd say you have a dick in your mouth.

They've unearthed a sarcophagus in Egypt filled with chocolate and nuts

The mummy was wrapped in gold foil, so they believe it is the legendary Pharaoh Rocher

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?”

“Are you nuts?!” – she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” – he asks again.

“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?” So the guy runs around the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a set of nuts on the wall?

-Wallnuts

What do you call a set of nuts on your chest?
-Chestnuts

What do you call a set of nuts on your chin?
-A mouth full of cock!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My pal reckons he can tighten nuts and bolts just by sitting on them.

Personally I think he torques out of his ass.

What do you call a guy who fills his underwear with glitter?

Pretty nuts

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a robot do after sex?

He nuts and bolts

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A penis has a sad life.

His hair is a mess; his family is nuts; his next-door neighbor is an asshole; his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him habitually.

My boyfriend is like the forest floor

Nuts and leaves

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted twenty dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.


"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.


"...

what do you get if you nut and fart at the same time?

banned from the supermarket

What’s green and yellow and eats nuts?

gonorrhea

I overheard a man order a sundae with nuts, but no ice cream.

To me, that's just nuts.

A guy goes to a psychiatrist to see about his strange dreaming...

"doctor I'm dreaming everynight about a soccer tournament for ants. It's on everynight. They went though a group stage, a knockout phase and its the only thing I'm dreaming about the last week, it's driving me nuts."

so the doctor says: "well, that's easy, just take this medicine before going...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] What do prostitutes and peanut butter have in common?

They both spread for bread

Guys, I've already failed No Nut November

I'm eating my reese's as we speak

No nuts please

Her: I'll have the salad, no nuts please
Waiter: Of course
Me: It didn't say it had nuts?
Her: I'm allergic, so I tell them to be safe
Me: That makes sense
Waiter: and for you?
Me: Steak, no bees, please.

I walked into a store and noticed they were selling deer nuts for $1.25

Every other time I've seen them, they were under a buck.

If beating your meat can help you get Post-nut Clarity, maybe it is better do it twice for really important decisions to have

Two-Fapper Authentication

A guy is sitting at the bar when he

notices a dog on the floor licking his nuts. He turns to the bar tender and says, “Man, that’s amazing. I would love if I could do that.” The bartender looks at him and says, “I’m sure he’d appreciate that very much.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For my cake day I’ve decided to share my favourite cake recipe

I used to have trouble remembering how I did it, so this time I wrote it down while making it.

You’ll need 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1...bottle Vodka,2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to che...

How do you make a peach crumble?

Kick him in the nut.

A pirate walk into a pub with steering wheel in his pants

The bartender looks at him and asks, "Hey, you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of the front of your pants?"

Pirate looks at him and says, "Argh it's driving me nuts"

What do you call a pair of nuts on the wall?

Walnuts!

I’ll see myself out

I nutted in my girlfriend in 3.14 secs

She asked me, what just happened to which i replied “cream π” .

How does a nut sneeze?

They go, "Caaa-shew!"

Father's Day

I don't get excited about gifts the way other people do, and it drives my wife nuts. For Father's Day, my wife was determined to get a reaction out of me and so she ordered me a custom-designed tie. She knew that I had two great passions in life: movies and dad humor, so she hired a well-known graph...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes into the US Postal Services to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes - coffee." "Have you ever been in the military service? "Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years." The interviewer says,"That will give you 5 extra points towards employment." Then he asks,"Are you disabled in any wa...

When cops arrest a clinically insane person...

...are they busting a nut?

A guy walks into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but Saran wrap.

The shrink looks at him and says "well I can clearly see you're nuts.."

What's a guy doing when he's donating sperm for money?

A nut job

a senior doing useful things with her time

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn’t do something useful with my time……….

Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing.

Talking about my “doing something useful” seems to be her favourite topic of conversation.

She was “only thinking ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging....

.....between his legs. Sauntered to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender pours the drink while looking quizzically at the Pirates attachment. Bartender hands over the beer and says Pirate I gotta ask what's with the steering wheel? Pirate replies Yaaaaaar tis driving me nuts.

I'll see mys...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 Lunatics

Three lunatics approach their Asylum doctor with a request for a weekend pass to the local city. "That's impossible says the doctor. You're all nuts. You'll get lost and never come back." But, the lunatics wouldn't relent until finally, exasperated, and the doctor says "OK! If you can answer a simpl...

I saw a squirrel bury a nut in my backyard today.

I'm going to swap it for a grilled cheese sandwich and blow his mind.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's hard being a penis

Your family's nuts and the neighbor's an asshole.

So I nutted in this girls hair a few weeks ago....

I know Im black, but she didnt need to call it gorilla glue ):

What did the nut say to the other nut when he was chasing him?

Imma cashew

A nice old lady gives a bus driver some nuts…

A nice old lady on a bus offers the bus driver some peanuts, the driver happily eats them.
Every five minutes the old lady hands the driver a handful of nuts, eventually he asks:

“Why don’t you eat them yourself?”
To which the old lady replies

“I don’t have any teeth, look” ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don’t get the proper support, people will think we’re nuts.

Ladies, don't believe it when a factory worker says he wants a long term relationship.

You'll find he screws nuts and bolts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.

He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus"
The man certainly isn't going to pas...

Scans of a newly discovered sarcophagus have revealed that the mummy inside was coated in nuts and chocolate

It’s believed to have been body of Pharaoh Roche.

The lifecycle of a male bee.

Male bees die after mating.

That’s basically their life.

Honey. Nut. Cheerio.

My friend told me he once got stoned and licked a million guys nuts.

He was very high per ball lick.

I’m sad to report I have a bad nut allergy

Every time I eat one, I let out a little cashew

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This guy's balls are unbelievably attractive

It's pretty nuts

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Winter is nearly here...

Winter is nearly here & our native birds will soon be finding food scarce. Please go to the pet shop & buy a bag of nuts for our feathered friends. There's no finer sight on a winters morning then a pair of tits around your nut sack. Just remember however its a bit late in the year to expect...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) I crushed No Nut November.

I didn't eat a single nut the whole month. (The trick is to masterbate everytime you get hungry for a nut)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my friend if he would ever dare to shave his nut sack with a straight razor

He said he tried it once while in college, but it was so bad that he hasn't got the balls to try it again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a robot sex worker that only does one-night stands?

Nuts’n bolts

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Confucius did NOT say

>Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

>Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

>Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

>Woman who dance wearing jock strap, have make believe ballroom

>Squirrel who runs up woman’s' ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks by a 5 star restaurant and sees a sign on the window that says "piano player wanted"

He asks to speak to the manager, who he then tells he'd like to apply for the job. The manager brings him over to the piano to see what he's got. The man plays the most beautiful piece the manager has ever heard. He pulls out his handkerchief to wipe away a few tears.

Deeply moved, the manag...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drunk walks up to a barkeeper one day and says,

"If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?"

The barkeeper says, "Depends on how good of a trick it is."

The drunk reaches into his pocket and pulls out a chipmunk and places him behind the piano. The chipmunk starts to play the sweetest jazz riff the barkeeper has ever heard...

Have you heard of the Ancient Greek hero Bophades?

He’s a lot like Achilles, but instead his weak point was his groin. You’ve heard of Achilles Heel but did you know about Bophades’ nuts?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mate said he can tighten up nuts and bolts with his butt.

Personally I think he torques out of his arse

Edit: Silver, Gold, Platinum, and got to the front page.

Thankyou everyone!

What is the most allergic nut?

The Ca.........shew!!!!!

I'll see myself out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You guys hear the one about the orderly sleeping with mental patients?

He was fucking nuts.

There’s such a gap between men’s and women’s sports.

The difference is nuts!

Why is No Nut November so goddamn boring?

It is probably the most anticlimactic month

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone knows the story of Achilles, but no one remembers his twin brother Bophadese.

Their mother Thetis, dunked them both into the River Styx to make them immortal. She held Achilles by the heel and Bophades by the testicles, and while everyone has heard of Achilles Heel, very few are familiar with Bophades Nuts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Italian lawyer and an Irishman are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that Irishman is so dumb that he could put something over on him easily…So the lawyer asks if the Irishman would like to play a fun game.

The Irishman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The Italian lawye...

Golf

A couple met at Hilton Head and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue the relationship after their vacations were over. "It's only fair to warn you, Jody, I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf."

"Well, since you're being honest, so will I," she said. "I'm a...

Why did the nut work at the bank?

To cashew your cheque.

why did the squirrel swim on its back

so it wont get its nuts wet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy gets put in a nursing home by his son. He doesn’t know if he’s going to like it at first, but he decides to give it a shot for his son’s sake.

The first morning in the nursing home he wakes up with a hard on. Out of nowhere a beautiful nurse's aide walks in, bends over & blows him without saying a word.
The guy gets on the phone with his son and says, "Son, I love this place! Thank you so much for putting me in this nursing home....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Romance

Ed and Carolyn met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Carolyn to dance clubs, restaura...

"Yeah. Those animals across our southern border have ruined their own country and our trying to invade and ruin ours. With their rampent guns and drugs... their government has become a shambles of nut job military and rich drug addicts who don't care about anyone!

Eh?"

What’s the difference between a chickpea and a Brazilian nut?

I wouldn’t let a chickpea in my mouth.

So, no nut November has been over for about a week...

About how long should it take for them to grow back?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

Hold on to your nuts. This ain’t no ordinary blowjob.

A man gets a flat tire outside the fence of an insane asylum.

While he's changing the tire he sees a patient on the other side of the fence observing him so he hurries. He gets the flat off and puts the spare on, but since he was rushing to get out of there, he accidentally drops all 4 lug nuts down a drain. While he's standing there staring at the spare wit...

(NSFW)So I'm tickling my little sisters foot, and my mom goes absolutely nuts and starts beating me up...

Nobody told me not to touch her until she's born...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?

I can't peanut butter my dick in your ass

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into his therapist’s office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap.

Therapist says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

Sorry if repost or seen before this one just made me giggle, saw it in a thread and wanted to share the laugh I take no credit for this.

Me strong

One day a tall muscular native American man walked into the doctors office. He had his pregnant wife and three children with him.He said, doctor, me need help. The doctor said well what can I do for you. The Indian man said me strong, wife strong. To many children. The doc said ah I understand. ...

NSFW construction joke

A young construction laborer who was hired to be be a cut-man gets a little too comfortable with a worm-drive saw and one day he manages to castrate himself. After months of physical recovery, he sets out to try to find a new job. One day he meets with a foreman of a large construction site close ...

Two men are walking down the street.

They come across a dog licking its nuts.

One man turns to the other and says, “I wish I could do that.”

The other man replies, “I wouldn’t try it. He’d probably bite you.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wakes up one morning and hears on the radio that a gorilla has escaped from the zoo.

Deciding that this news does impact his life in any way, the man goes outside to retrieve the mail. Just as he reaches his mailbox, he hears very loud grunting above him and looks up at his massive tree next to the mailbox. Up high in the tree is none other than the escaped gorilla, hooting and holl...

How do you make a room full of epileptics go nuts?

Ask someone with parkingsons disease to turn off the lights

I've already failed No Nut November

I failed the first time at 1:37am, and the second time at 1:11am.

The Nut Cracker Suite

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. ...

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do we do with this baby?

There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him.

Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. The head...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stop alright! It's not No Nut November!

It's always Jack-off January, Fap February, Masturbate March, Abuse-yo-cock April, Maniacally beat-yo-meat May, Jizzy June, Jerk July, Abolish-yo-junk August, Seep-yo-seed September, Orgasmic October, Nut November, Destroy Dick December.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am totally nailing No Nut November. The secret is

Every time I want to eat nuts, I masturbate

What does a toolbox and a deadbeat dad have in common?

Screws, nuts, and bolts.

Two nuts chilling on a tree, one slipped and started to fall...

... The other one said “don’t worry bro, imma Cashew”

America failed No Nut November,

This election featured the two biggest nuts in recent US history.

No Nut November challenge is not gonna be a problem at all

It’s not hard at my age

What's the worst thing about having a nut allergy?

Every month is No Nut November!

So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

"What a nice lady", I thought, while happily mu...

Rabbit walks into a clothing store ..

Rabbit walks into a clothing store.  Clerk says to the rabbit 'may I help you, sir?'

Rabbit says 'yes, I'd like a tossed salad with croutons, ranch dressing on the side.'

Clerk looks bewildered and responds 'uhhh, we don't have salads here.'

Rabbit says 'oh really?  Then make...

Y’all are nuts- Trump TOTALLY made America great again.

So what if he had to lose an election for that to happen.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.