UPJOKE
pistachioballeggcrackpotnuttynutcasecrackersseedencranktestisscrewballbollockcrunchyenthusiast

Nutted in my girlfriends braces

Now my kids are behind bars

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What would be the female equivalent of No Nut November?

Get your alliteration skills on people. So far I've come up with Dildo Denial December or Forbidden Fingering February,

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After masturbating post nut clarity hit hard

I guess you could say I came to my senses

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I don't get what's so hard about No Nut November

It's the 3rd day and I haven't eaten any nuts yet. I just distract myself by constantly masturbating all day.

I told my wife I was taking part in No Nut November...

She said she was excited for me to see how she feels the other 11 months of the year.

I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts.

If I'm honest, it was a Rocky Road.

What does a nut with the flu sound like?

*CAAAASHEW!*

Iโ€™ve never experienced post-nut clarity.

Maybe I should switch from pecans to pistachios.

What did the nut say when it sneezed?

Ca-shew!

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?

Beer Nuts are $1.50 a pound. Deer Nuts are under a Buck

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No Nut November is going great so far

Every time I think about eating almonds, I just masterbate. Itโ€™s not hard guys.

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What does a robot do after sex

He nuts and boltsโ€ฆ

Archaeologists found a mummy adorned with ancient nuts and wrapped in gold foil.

They believe it may be the legendary Pharaoh Rocher.

What do you call a Poltergeist that nuts a lot?

A Ghostbuster.

Giving Birth, or Getting Kicked in the Nuts!

Which Hurts More?






Obviously it's getting kicked in the nuts.
Why? Well you don't get kicked in the Nuts, wait a year and decide, I'll try that again.

Game-Over on that debate!

Ahh nuts!

What do you call nuts on a wall?

Walnuts

What do you call nuts on a chest?

Chestnuts

What do you call nuts on a chin?

A mouthful

Garbage can

An old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school.

He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.

Then a new school year began.

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came dow...

Male bees die after mating. So that's basically their life.

Honey. Nut. Cheerio.

Two Council workers, Jim and Dave, are staring up at the flagpole outside the council offices

A young lady walks past and is intrigued by them, just standing there, staring.

she walks over to them and says "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice you, staring at the flagpole. Is there anything wrong?"

"The boss told us we got to measure the height of this flagpole," Said Jim. "He...

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A penis has a sad life...

A penis has a sad life. His hair is a mess; his family is nuts; his next-door neighbor is an asshole; his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him habitually.

I think my girlfriend is allergic to nuts.

She's on her knees right now, her face is red, and she can't breathe.

Lesson

A pastor was giving the children's message during church.

For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church.

On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on indust...

What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?

Beer nuts are always over a dollar, deer nuts are always under a buck.

Goofy, I know, but still makes me laugh 20 years after I first heard it!

ETA: GUYS! Thanks so much for the upvotes, I've never had so many! Y'all made my night!

Why is almond milk called "milk"?

Because nobody could call it "nut juice" and keep a straight face.

Peanut in the ear

Sitting at home with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth while watching TV.

The man loses concentration for a split second and a peanut goes into his ear.

He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in deep.

...

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A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel attached to his penis.

The bartender says "excuse me sir, but are you aware there's a wheel attached to your penis?"

"Arrr," says the pirate, "it drives me nuts!"

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There's a guy going around

dipping his testicles in glitter.

It's pretty nuts.

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Why did Peanut butter not open the door for the Jelly?...

Because it was already ajar.

(Sorry, I'm a dad.)

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Yesterday my SON e-mailed me asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

Like sitting around playing on my computer is not a good thing? I asked.

Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be his favorite topic of conversation.

He said he was "only thinking of me", he said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the men. ...

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My wife hinted she was gonna give me sex coupons for the Holidays this year.

Guess iโ€™m getting nutting for Christmas!

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A man with a speech impediment enters a nut shop.

"How much for your peanutsh?" he asks the clerk.

"Twenty bucks a scoop," the clerk replies.

"How much for your cashewsth?"

"Five bucks a piece."

"How much for your pisthathiosth?"

"Ten bucks for a pair."

"Well, thankth you very much. And thankth you for not ...

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed like an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed..... in short, driving his partner nuts.

Finally, his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damm ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

His partner yells back, "Give me a break! You don't stand a chance of hitting her fr...

I walked into a store and noticed they were selling deer nuts for $1.25

Every other time I've seen them, they were under a buck.

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Never befriend someone who is sexually attracted to almonds and pecans.

Eventually youโ€™ll realize theyโ€™re fucking nuts.

I just had a one night stand with a robot

That's what I call a 'nut & bolt'

Charles Schulz died as one of the richest Americans of the 20th century

despite the fact he got his start making Peanuts.

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what did one saggy tit say to the other?

If we don't get some support around here people are gonna think we're nuts

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The Hawaii Special

Two guys are talking.
โ€œHey, did you know about the Hawaii special at the strip club?โ€.
โ€œโ€No?โ€.
โ€œItโ€™s sooo good. One of the dancers gets naughty with you, and once you get hard, she slips a pineapple slice on your penis and eats it.โ€.
โ€œSounds great, Iโ€™m gonna try next weekend!โ€.

N...

What is a squirrels least favorite time of year?

No Nut Novemberโ€ฆ.

The geography of a woman as she ages: (from a friend)

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa .
Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe.
Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain.
Very hot, re...

A pair of hot twin sisters, one blonde, the other brunette get invited to a Halloween party.

A pair of hot twin sisters, one blonde, the other brunette get invited to a Halloween party. The theme is "snacks" so they decide to go as a pair of popular candy bars.
The party is a real blast and the brunette is having tons of fun, but the blonde is just kind of off to herself with no one giv...

A guy walks into a psychiatristโ€™s office wearing nothing but Saran wrapโ€ฆ

The psychiatrist takes one look at him and says, โ€œI can clearly see your nutsโ€.

Did you hear that Shirley MacLaine once let Robert Redford rip off all her clothes?

Well, it was unavoidable; try to put a left-handed nut together with a right-handed stud and at least one of them is going to end up stripped.

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Gorilla removal

A guy was drinking beers one day at his house and he heard some banging on the roof, so he walks outside sees a gorilla on the roof says nope fuck that and goes back inside and watches tv A lwhile later he sees an ad on TV for gorilla removal it says in and out in 30 minutes. The guy calls up the nu...

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Did you hear about the guy who had sex with an acorn?

He was fucking nuts

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There should be an emergency room just for embarrassing injuries so you don't have to feel judged. Just Genitals and Buttholes.

Call it the Pee/Nut/Butt ER

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Tortoise and Rabbit. Antagonist view.

A different insight into the story of hare and tortoise:-

E๐’—๐’†๐’“๐’š๐’๐’๐’† ๐’•๐’‰๐’“๐’๐’–๐’ˆ๐’‰๐’๐’–๐’• ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’˜๐’๐’“๐’๐’… ๐’‰๐’‚๐’” ๐’Œ๐’†๐’‘๐’• ๐’ˆ๐’Š๐’—๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’†๐’™๐’‚๐’Ž๐’‘๐’๐’† ๐’๐’‡ ๐‘ป๐’๐’“๐’•๐’๐’Š๐’”๐’†โ€ฆ ๐‘บ๐’‚๐’š๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ ๐’•๐’‰๐’‚๐’• ๐’”๐’๐’๐’˜ ๐’‚๐’๐’… ๐’”๐’•๐’†๐’‚๐’…๐’š ๐’˜๐’Š๐’๐’” ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’“๐’‚๐’„๐’†, ๐’‚๐’๐’… ๐’†๐’Ž๐’‘๐’‰๐’‚๐’”๐’Š๐’›๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ...

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I thought they testicle convention would be a good place to relax and unwind, but...

...it was just nuts!

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Three Boys

Three boys were taking a sex ed class. They received grades of D, D-, and F, respectively, so they plotted to get revenge.

"We should get her," said the first.

"Yeah," said the second, "let's grab her."

"Yeah," chimed in the third, "And let's kick her in the nuts."

what do you get if you nut and fart at the same time?

banned from the supermarket

The true origin of the "Rochambeau"

A farmer's chicken waddled over to the neighboring farm and laid an egg. When the chicken's owner saw this, he went over to collect his egg. He figured, "my chicken, my eggs." But the other farmer challenged him, saying, "nope, that's my egg. Got laud on my property, so it's mine." After some bicker...

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A man get pulled over with his young son in the back seat.

The cop comes to the window.

"Sorry officer, I was rushing tog et home. My wife is throwing a dinner party for very important guests."

The cop writes him a ticket anyway, wishes him a good day and walks back to his patrol car. As he walks away, the dad mutters "Bastard."

The lit...

If beating your meat can help you get Post-nut Clarity, maybe it is better do it twice for really important decisions to have

Two-Fapper Authentication

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Bob had finally made it

to the last round of the "$64,000 Question" show. The night before the big question, he told the host that he desired a question on American History.

The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the be...

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My pal reckons he can tighten nuts and bolts just by sitting on them.

Personally I think he torques out of his ass.

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What do you call a set of nuts on the wall?

-Wallnuts

What do you call a set of nuts on your chest?
-Chestnuts

What do you call a set of nuts on your chin?
-A mouth full of cock!

No nuts please

Her: I'll have the salad, no nuts please
Waiter: Of course
Me: It didn't say it had nuts?
Her: I'm allergic, so I tell them to be safe
Me: That makes sense
Waiter: and for you?
Me: Steak, no bees, please.

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.

He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do a lot of things that took two arms.

One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down when he saw a man skipping along, whistli...

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Due to the growing popularity of no nut november, its wave of abstience is spreading to other months

Such as: no jizz july, no semen september and no dong december

An old man shuffled into a dairy bar

He got slowly and painfully up onto a stool. He ordered a banana split. The waitress asked, โ€œCrushed nuts?โ€ โ€œNo, arthritis.โ€

Whatโ€™s green and yellow and eats nuts?

gonorrhea

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What did one peanut say to the other peanut during sex?

Ugh, Imma legume!

Guys, I've already failed No Nut November

I'm eating my reese's as we speak

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A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, โ€œHey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?โ€

โ€œAre you nuts?!โ€ โ€“ she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

โ€œWould you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?โ€ โ€“ he asks again.

โ€œListen you; Iโ€™m not that kind of woman! Got it?โ€ So the guy runs around the ...

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(NSFW) I crushed No Nut November.

I didn't eat a single nut the whole month. (The trick is to masterbate everytime you get hungry for a nut)

What did the nut say to the other nut when he was chasing him?

Imma cashew

I was driving past a mental asylum

I was driving past a mental asylum when all of a sudden my tire comes off and rolls down the hill along with the nuts.

I was so angry I started cussing on my way down the hill to collect the tire because I couldnโ€™t find the nuts, which grabbed the attention of someone in the asylum, he said I...

I nutted in my girlfriend in 3.14 secs

She asked me, what just happened to which i replied โ€œcream ฯ€โ€ .

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I asked my friend if he would ever dare to shave his nut sack with a straight razor

He said he tried it once while in college, but it was so bad that he hasn't got the balls to try it again.

I overheard a man order a sundae with nuts, but no ice cream.

To me, that's just nuts.

I was thinking

I was thinking about going on an all-almond diet, but that's just nuts

so a pirate walks into a bar

The pirate's walking oddly, the bartender looks at him, says 'Do you realize you have a steering wheel in your pants?' Pirate replies, 'Aye, it's driving me nuts!'

A man stumbles across an old oil lamp in an antique store...

The lamp is very dusty, so he gives it a rub, and the room starts to shake, and a genii appears.

He announces, "I am the Great Genii of the lamp! Since you've freed me, I will grant you one wish."

The man replies, "Just one?"

The genii relies, "Blame Reganomics, now time is sh...

Montana State Golfer Warning

The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions, and be on the alert for bears while playing on Gallatin, Helena, and Lewis and Clark National Forestโ€™s golf courses.

They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on th...

Two peanuts were walking through Central Park.

One was a salted.

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What's a bisexuality favorite candy bar?

What's a bisexual's favorite candy bar?

Mounds and Almond joy, because sometimes you feel like a nut and sometimes you don't.

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My mate said he can tighten up nuts and bolts with his butt.

Personally I think he torques out of his arse

Edit: Silver, Gold, Platinum, and got to the front page.

Thankyou everyone!

How does a nut sneeze?

They go, "Caaa-shew!"

A guy walks into a bar, and orders a round. He hears a small voice say..

"You look nice today."

A few minutes later, it's that voice again, "That's a nice shirt."

The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?"

Says the bartender, "It's the peanuts. They're complimentary!"

What did Mr. Peanut say to his wife??

Don't worry, I'll be back in a JIF

A nice old lady gives a bus driver some nutsโ€ฆ

A nice old lady on a bus offers the bus driver some peanuts, the driver happily eats them.
Every five minutes the old lady hands the driver a handful of nuts, eventually he asks:

โ€œWhy donโ€™t you eat them yourself?โ€
To which the old lady replies

โ€œI donโ€™t have any teeth, lookโ€ ...

Why is No Nut November so goddamn boring?

It is probably the most anticlimactic month

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted twenty dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.


"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.


"...

Iโ€™m sad to report I have a bad nut allergy

Every time I eat one, I let out a little cashew

I saw a squirrel bury a nut in my backyard today.

I'm going to swap it for a grilled cheese sandwich and blow his mind.

My son looked up from his homework and asked me, "Dad, whatโ€™s an acorn?" I smiled and explained...

"Well, in a nutshell, itโ€™s an oak tree!"

"Yeah. Those animals across our southern border have ruined their own country and our trying to invade and ruin ours. With their rampent guns and drugs... their government has become a shambles of nut job military and rich drug addicts who don't care about anyone!

Eh?"

So, no nut November has been over for about a week...

About how long should it take for them to grow back?

Time for another beer.

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so. I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."

The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "ju...

WhAt do call it when a mechanic abandons his pregnant wife?

A nut and bolt

What is the most allergic nut?

The Ca.........shew!!!!!

I'll see myself out.

A man is sitting alone at a bar when he hears a quiet whisper right next to him.

Seemingly out of nowhere, he hears, quietly but clearly, "Wow, you've got really great hair!" Confused, the man looks around for a moment and sees nobody else around him and concludes that he must be hearing things.

After sitting drinking his beer and snacking on some nuts at the bar for a wh...

Scans of a newly discovered sarcophagus have revealed that the mummy inside was coated in nuts and chocolate

Itโ€™s believed to have been body of Pharaoh Roche.

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One ...

How do you make a room full of epileptics go nuts?

Ask someone with parkingsons disease to turn off the lights

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I just found out you can get Botox for your ballsack to get all the wrinkles out.

Pretty nuts, right?

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Namaste

So my wife recently took up Yoga. I came home one evening to find her on her mat doing ~~Shavanna~~ ~~Shashimi~~ ~~Shavashashanana~~ the pose where you lie on your back with your eyes closed meditating or more likely snoring gently. I pulled down my shorts, knelt over her head and rested my testicle...

My friend told me he once got stoned and licked a million guys nuts.

He was very high per ball lick.

A Frenchman came to Texas

A Frenchman came to Texas to visit an old friend. The Texan picked him up in his gigantic Cadillac with longhorns mounted on the hood. Knowing that his friend must be hungry and thirsty after the long flight, he stopped at a bar and grill on the way. They walked in and took a seat at the bar and the...

I've already failed No Nut November

I failed the first time at 1:37am, and the second time at 1:11am.

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