A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his zipper...

The bartender says “hey buddy, you have a steering wheel on your zipper!”
Pirate says “arrr, it’s driving me nuts!”

What do you call school for nuts?

Macademia

What did one nut say when it was chasing another nut?

I’m a cashew!

Some Kids Are Just Nuts...

In the kindergarten, the teacher was helping a boy with putting on his boots. They were so hard to put on, that the teacher couldn't take less than one minute to put one of them.

The teacher was just about to be done putting on the first boot, when the kid said:

\- You're putting the w...

What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are $1.50, deer nuts are under a buck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the left nut tell the right nut?

Don't talk to the middle guy, he's a dick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nuts and all

If nuts on a wall are called walnuts, and nuts on a chest are chestnuts, then a what do you call nuts on the chin?



A blowjob

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If a woman's bra is an "Over-the-Shoulder-Boulder-Holder" and a man's underwear is an "Under-the-Butt-Nut-Hut"...

Then does that make a woman's panties a "Below-the-Patch-Snatch-Hatch?"

What hurts more? Giving birth or being kicked in the nuts.

Kicked in the nuts, you don't ever hear guys asking to be kicked in the nuts again.

Man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing

Man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but cellophane. The doctor says "I can clearly see your nuts"

If Trump's favorite movie is WALL-E and his favorite store is Wal-Mart, what's his favorite nut?

The one that created Ivanka

I walked into a store and noticed they were selling deer nuts for $1.25

Every other time I've seen them, they were under a buck.

How do you fight a squirrel looking for a nut?

You beat him off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

No Nut November was pretty tough

Now I can finally eat nuts again, thank God I had masturbation to keep my mind off of the sweet little bastards.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mate said he can tighten up nuts and bolts with his butt.

Personally I think he torques out of his arse

Edit: Silver, Gold, Platinum, and got to the front page.

Thankyou everyone!

I don't like nuts in my ice cream....

But my Boyfriend loves nuts in his.

On one hand, I can nut.

On the other hand, I cannot.

What’s the difference between an islamic hide out and an Afghan pine nut farm?

I don’t know, I just fly the drones.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A student in a psych class is asking his professor about sexual fetishes.

Student: Do you know the scientific names of most of the sexual fetishes?

Prof: I believe I know just about all of them, I’ve been teaching psychology for over 40 years.

Student: well what do you call a person who is aroused by dead people.

Prof: easy, that’s a necrophiliac....

Where do nuts get a degree from?

M-acadamia

From my 8 year old son: What's the beard's favorite kind of nut?

Mustachios

A man drove by an asylum and got a flat tire...

As he begins to change the tire, he sees a man in a window watching him from the insane asylum.

Nervous as he changes his tire, he drops the lugnuts down the sewer drain.

Now he's stuck on what to do

The patient in the window yells down at the man.
"Hey! ...hey! Up here! T...

Why did the squirrel swim on his back?

To keep his nuts dry

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a robot do after having sex?

Nuts & Bolts

My nuts don’t itch

My test-tickles

What's the difference between a nut and bolt and a pregnant woman?

You can unscrew a nut and bolt.

Above is the classic punchline, but it occurs to me there is another:

...but you can't unscrew a pregnant woman, you can only nut and bolt.

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One ...

What's the most expensive nut?

A baby.

A guy walks into a bar ....

He sits on a bar stool waiting for the bartender.
"Nice tie!" He was startled looking around to see would said that to him and there was no one around. "Nice Shoes" he hears and again, looking around to see who said that to him and still no one was around. The bartender finally comes over and ...

Some kind of animal busted a nut in my backyard...

Must've been a squirrel.

TIL most females have a nut allergy.

You nut in them and they could swell for 9 months.

What are Donald Trump's favorite kind of nuts?

Walnuts

What's green and eats nuts?

Syphilis

There’s a nut in the cashew family that makes you sneeze...

They call it a blessew.

What did one nut say to the other nut?

Why are we doing the hanging? The guy between us did the shooting!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call nuts on the wall? -Walnuts. What do you call nuts on your chest? - Chestnuts. What do you call nuts on your chin?... ? ? .. nothing because you’ve got a mouth full of dick.

Lool my uncle told me this yesterday it is an absolute cracker ;)

I've heard Dunkin Donuts is going to be the official sponsor of no nut November.

Their name will be Dunkin Nonuts for a month.

What is a PhD's favorite nut?

An academia nut!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nut Allergy NSFWish

I think my wife has developed a nut allergy. It's been months since she knobbed me.

If you nut on a dead person

Are you ghost busting?

How did the school bullies kill a kid with a nut allergy?

They would always pecan him.



Father's Day weekend Dad joke.

Why doesn’t Aldi have its own brand of nuts?

They could call it Aldi’s nuts.

Ha got emm

Craving for nuts

Last Friday I had a craving for nuts, so I spent the whole day with my wife and her mother.

What do you call a nut with facial hair?

A pistachio...

Archaeologists in Egypt have unearthed a tomb containing a mummy covered in chocolate & nuts.

Excited they believe it is the remains of the long lost Pharaoh Roche.

How do you make a room full of epileptics go nuts?

Ask someone with parkingsons disease to turn off the lights

How do you stop a nut from escaping the asylum?

You loctite the nut.

What happens when you put Nutella on salmon?

You get *salmonella*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's sometimes soft, sometimes hard, hangs out with nuts, and spits when you tug on it?

a penis

What’s the most dangerous part of a car?

The nut that holds the steering wheel.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Math teacher went nuts today in Geometry class and started ranting about Japan, Italy, and Germany.

He said we need to know about the ex axis.

What is a Scholar’s favourite kind of nut?

A Macademia nut!

I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts

I won't lie, it was a Rocky Road.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex therapists claim that the best way to arouse a man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears.

Personally I think it’s nuts.

Why is almond milk called almond milk?

Because no one can say “nut juice” with a straight face.

Roses are red

Nuts are brown

Skirts go up

Pants go down

Body to body Skin to skin

When its stiff

Stick it in

The Longer its in

The Stronger it gets

It goes in dry And comes out wet

It comes out dripping And starts to sag

Its not what you think....

What sound do nuts make when they sneeze?

“Cash-ew”

;) *wink wonk* I dont know how I came up with that one

Which is the most educated nut?

mAcademia.

Why are mechanics absent fathers?

Because they nut and bolt

The Godfather’s relaxing at his social club...

...with his crew. The usual gaggle of young Turks waits in the wings, hoping to get noticed, hoping to move up.

The Godfather calls one of them over.

“Jimmy, I hear good things about you. They tell me you’re serious, that you can be trusted.”

Jimmy swells with pride.

“I ...

after a vasectomy, make sure to ice your nuts

it makes a vas deferens.

This joke is nuts but its strictly for northeasterners

The rest of you no pecan

The cheerio wanted to go to prom with a honey nut cheerio

A plain Cheerio wanted his prom date to be a beautiful Honey Nut Cheerio, the Cheerio asks the Honey Nut Cheerio to the dance, the Honey Nut Cheerio rejects and says "I only date Honey Nut Cheerios". A farmer approaches the now saddened Cheerio and tells him "Do some work on my farm and I'll turn yo...

Have you ever heard of the Greek hero Bophades?

He was one of the heroes who fought in the Trojan War. His story is similar to the story of Achilles. When he was a child, his mother held him by the groin and dipped him in the river Styx, as to make him invincible in battle. However, just like Achilles, he had a weak spot. Because his mother held ...

What did one nut tell the other before they seperated?

"Bye, I'll cashew later."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you seen r/tifu recently.

They’re fucking nuts.

I’ve started using garlic in my magic act. First I start by crushing it, adding basil and some pine nuts and then I blend them altogether with some Parmesan and olive oil...

Then…hey…pesto!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself cautiously, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

What did the cannibal say when he was eating the College Professor's nuts?

Mmm. Academia!

What did the bratty nut say to Dr Phil?

Cashew outside. How 'bou dat?

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