I walked into a store and noticed they were selling deer nuts for $1.25

Every other time I've seen them, they were under a buck.

What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?

Beer nuts are always over a dollar, deer nuts are always under a buck.

Goofy, I know, but still makes me laugh 20 years after I first heard it!

ETA: GUYS! Thanks so much for the upvotes, I've never had so many! Y'all made my night!

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It all started with a bat. Then toilet paper. Now we’re going nuts in quarantine.

We really have gone bat, shit, crazy.

What do you call nuts on a wall?

Walnuts!

What do you call nuts on a chest?

Chestnuts!

Get how this game goes? Let's try another.

What do you call nuts on a chin?

Deer nuts are always the same price worldwide....

Always under a buck! lol


My 11 year old son told me this joke today and thought I'd share with everyone.

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I asked my friend if he would ever dare to shave his nut sack with a straight razor

He said he tried it once while in college, but it was so bad that he hasn't got the balls to try it again.

What do you call it when you nut on a wall?

A walnut.

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Nuts!

What do you call a nut in Brazil?
A Brazil nut.

What do you call a nut on a wall?
A walnut

What do you call nuts on your chest?
Chestnuts

What do you call a nut on a horses chest?
A horse chestnut

What do you call nuts in your pee?
Peanuts

What do yo...

What do you get when you cross a rodent, some money and a nut

A cashrew

My friend with three nuts loves to give tattoos.

They're all tribal.

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A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b\*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b\*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don...

I put Truck Nuts on my fleet of Volkswagen Beetles

And now I have genital Herbies.

What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are $1.79. Deer nuts are just under a buck

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So There I Was, Balls Deep in Some Peanut Butter...

When I thought to myself "Man...I'm fucking nuts."

What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?

Cashew.

What hardware store would you yell out if you took a shot to the nuts?

Ow! Menards!!

How does a nut say good bye to another nut?

I'll Cashew later bro.

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No Nut November was pretty tough

Now I can finally eat nuts again, thank God I had masturbation to keep my mind off of the sweet little bastards.

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My left nut thinks it's better than my right nut.

He can be egotesticle.

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All this coronavirus talk is driving me nuts!

I'm going batshit crazy!

What is it called when you nut it in her mouth?

A kids meal.

The best thing about knitting squirrels is that their nuts about cuneiform

You can even pay them in peanuts until they unionize and start demanding pistachios

Food is getting so scarce, I just followed a squirrel so I could steal his nuts.

It was a lot of work for two small pieces of meat.

What do you call a nut that gets good grades?

An academia nut..

I asked the worker at Wal-Mart where I could find the nuts.

She said, "They are all in the toilet paper aisle right now."

So, no nut November has been over for about a week...

About how long should it take for them to grow back?

What do nuts and bolts talk about?

Screwing and stripping

So, A Pirate goes to the bar and he has a Steering Wheel sticking out of his Crotch

So the Bar tender says “Hey man, whats with the wheel?”

so the Pirate tells him “Arrrr, its Drivin’ me nuts!”

What does a woman get for letting an Italian man nut inside her?

Prego

What did Goofy say when he got shot in the nuts by a soccer ball?

F’yuck

I was pretty sure i had nut allergy when i was kid

But my parents thought i was making it up to avoid church

(From my 8 year old son), What do you call a hairy nut?

A moustachio.

I got kicked in the nuts at Midnight on New Years.

I started the year off on the highest note possible.

Some lady called the cops on me because I was giving a squirrel a nut in the park.

Good thing I got my pants back on before they arrived

What did the Left Nut say to the right nut?

Don't talk to the guy in the middle he's a d*ck!.....

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What did the Hurricane say to the Coconut tree?

Hang on to your nuts. This is no ordinary blowjob ...

[NSFW]What's green and eats nuts?

Syphilis.

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Winter is here and our native birds are having difficulty finding food. Please go to the pet shop and buy a bag of nuts for them.

There is no finer sight on a winter’s morning than a pair of tits round your nut sack; however it’s a bit early to expect a swallow.

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My mate said he can tighten up nuts and bolts with his butt.

Personally I think he torques out of his arse

Edit: Silver, Gold, Platinum, and got to the front page.

Thankyou everyone!

A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively "You've got great hair!" The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.

A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.

When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what ...

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't ...

I put a nut on a bolt today.

It was riveting.

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Just saw a junkie at Wal-Mart put his whole dick in a tube of Planter's Cashews

Dude was fucking nuts.

I have decided I wanted to be healthier so one of my new years resolutions is instead of snacking on processed and sugary foods I am just going to eat nuts instead.

The other is to come out to my parents.

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Hear about the guy that dipped his balls in glitter?

Pretty nuts

What happens when you fail at No Nut November?

Nuttin'.

The local ice cream man was just found dead, covered in sprinkles, raspberry sauce and chopped nuts

Turns out he topped himself

What did Freddie Mercury say when he was informed about No Nut November?

"Nutting really matters to me"

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If a woman's bra is an "Over-the-Shoulder-Boulder-Holder" and a man's underwear is an "Under-the-Butt-Nut-Hut"...

Then does that make a woman's panties a "Below-the-Patch-Snatch-Hatch?"

I don't get why people are going on about no nut November

It's like any other month if you are married.

A guy sent me his nudes.

Pretty nuts, if you ask me.

Extra: Aussie man reprimanded by judge for eating candy and nuts in her courtroom.

Defense: "c'mon Judy, lighten up.. it's just my trial mix"

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3 days remaining - Not Nut November has been so tough for me

Every time I crave for almond, I control the urge by masturbating.

I thought being an electrician would be cool.

Getting to hangout with a bunch of strippers and dikes all day long.


But really you're just grabbing and twisting nuts all day.

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It’s No Nut November and we’re accepting bets until 11/11.

“Step right up and ‘come’ on in! Go make a bet on any male candidate. Claim your prize after No Nut November ends., but ONLY if the candidate don’t nut. It’s $69 per ticket!
Double your winnings if they don’t nut for the next week!”

With semenly impossible odds, this is a good way to net...

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I am glad that No Nut November is finally over!

Now I can stop pretending that I didn't masturbate all month.

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What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don’t get some support around here, people are gonna think we’re nuts!

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What comes after “No Nut November”?

“Deflated Dicks December”

I just nutted on my boss's daughter

Sadly, im self-employed.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his crotch.

The bartender whinces and says "Are you alright? That looks painful!"

The pirate replied "Aar! Its driving me nuts!"

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Have you heard the rumor about peanut butter?

I don't want to spread it

You may have heard of No Nut November

But after I came twice in April what I’m really hoping for is a No Fetus February

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Two Friends graduate together from a college. One of them becomes a businessman and the other becomes a forest officer

After a few years, the forest officer (FO) invites the businessman(BM) to visit him in the jungles of which he was incharge. The BM agrees at once and arrives at the forest within a week. They talk about old days and everything and then the FO takes him out to the jungle for a tour. A kilometer insi...

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I'm allergic to gluten, dairy, nuts and I'm vegan. What can I get?

**Waiter:** The fuck outta here.

My Dad put together my bed recently without any hex nuts,

It fell apart within a few days, I asked my dad why he didn't put them on.

"Its November."

How do you fight a squirrel looking for a nut?

You beat him off.

On one hand, I can nut.

On the other hand, I cannot.

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One ...

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A man visits a therapist because he has an obsession with taking his pants and underwear off in public.

After contemplation, the therapist says:

“Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts”

Yesterday I failed No Nut November

I guess I should have seen it cumming.

How do crypto traders call no nut november?

HODL it

Who will survive no nut november the longest?

The people with a severe nut allergy

I tried to help an old lady open a packet of peanuts.

It was a tough nut to crack

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My porn folder goes away during no nut november

I just want to come with it

I hate that it's already no nut November

I'm going to have to jack it a whole lot to keep my mind off of cashews...

Why is it difficult to follow no nut November ?

Well, it gets increasingly 'hard' as the days pass by.

What is a professor's favorite kind of nut?

M-acadamia nuts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Golf Lessons

A lady decided she wanted to spend more time with her golf nut husband. Smartly she went directly to the club pro seeking advice. He took her to the range and told her to hit a ball so he could assess her swing. She did and the ball went 10 feet out in front of her. He suggested she adjust her stanc...

I threw a party to celebrate making it to week 4 of No Nut November

Nobody came

How do you make a room full of epileptics go nuts?

Ask someone with parkingsons disease to turn off the lights

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What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

Answer: 'Ell if I know!


Follow-up #1: What do you call a deer with no eyes?


Answer: No idear.


Follow-up #2: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no nuts?

Answer: No fucking idear.

What did King Arthur say when his wife asked if he failed No Nut November?

"Yeah, I Camelot"

I was doing so well at no nut November.

But then my colleague Ally started eating a snickers by licking it sensually. Long story short I ended up taking Ally's snickers off her.

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Popcorn is the gayest snack...

Because you're eating busted nuts.

If Trump's favorite movie is WALL-E and his favorite store is Wal-Mart, what's his favorite nut?

The one that created Ivanka

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Mrs. Clarke has been in a coma for 18 months..

A nurse is giving Mrs. Clarke a wash when she notices that the patient moves a little when she washes her genitals.

Again the nurse brushes over her genitals with a cloth and again Mrs. Clarke, disturbs gently.

The nurse calls the patients husband and he immediately goes to the hospi...

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The local prostitute is crazy.

She's a nut case.

Hey guys it’s no nut November...

Which sucks cuz thanksgiving is the only time I see my cousins.

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I'm participating in No Nut November.

I just wish my wife would have told me that I was starting in September.

Archaeologists in Egypt have unearthed a tomb containing a mummy covered in chocolate & nuts.

Excited they believe it is the remains of the long lost Pharaoh Roche.

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a dick's life

A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess. His family is nuts. His next door neighbor is an asshole. His best friend is a pussy. His owner beats him habitually.

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No Nut November is gonna be super easy

I never eat nuts.

Eating nuts just cuts into masturbation time.

What does a hungry squirrel and my dog have in common?

They both have no nuts.

My kids were driving me nuts one day so I got some tranquilizers and sure enough, right on the bottle, it says:

Warning! Keep Away From Children

A man walks in to a psychiatrist office

A man walks in to a psychiatrist office wearing nothing but plastic wrap for pants. The doctor takes one look and says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

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What do an insane asylum guard and a pornstar have in common?

They both bust nuts

I always walk a lot slower during No Nut November...

I guess I'm over enCUMbered

NASA is currently developing a way to grow cashews on the Moon's soil...

They're calling them Astro-nuts.

I’m going to open a gold-plated fasteners company

It’s going to be called Au Nuts

A psychiatrist takes his patients to a ballgame

A psychiatrist is taking his patients out to a baseball game. He tells them to get on the bus by saying "get on the bus, nuts" and when they get to the stadium he says "get off the bus nuts." When they get to the seats he tells them "get in your seats, nuts."

During the game he goes to the ba...

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A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.
"How much for a hand-job?"
"$5,000" she replies.
"$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way."
"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a res...

Two construction workers were eating lunch on a bench on the side of the road...

As they were eating lunch, they notice a very attractive woman walking on the other side of the road. The two workers start to cat call her until she stops and looks at them.
Once she looks at them, they make the notion for her flash them by pulling up on their shirts. The woman looks around and...

Some kind of animal busted a nut in my backyard...

Must've been a squirrel.

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