This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack ?

The best of thymes, the worst of thymes

What's Peter Griffin's favorite spice?

It's clearly Nutmeg, that's for sure.

On my weekends I've been inventing a machine that can distribute herbs and spices to any place at my dining table.

It's not much, but it passes the thyme.

Did you hear about the grocery store employee who poured a bunch of spices into his pockets?

They fired him for thyme theft

I switched all the labels in my wife's spice cabinet.



She hasn't noticed yet. But I'm sure the thyme is cumin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I, we wanted to spice up out sex life so we did a bit of role playing. She dressed as a nurse and I dressed as a doctor.

And that coma girl was already dressed as a patient, so she obviously was into it from the very beginning, your honor.

After so many years in our marriage, my Wife wanted me to buy some pills to spice things up in the bedroom

*Apparently I was the bad guy buying diet pills.*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife has been watching porn to learn new ways to spice up our sex life.

The other night she laid down in bed and remained completely motionless while we made love. I asked what she was doing. She said “it’s called ‘buffering’ honey”.

My wife said we should spice up our love life

“What do you mean?” I asked.

She said “let’s do a bit of role playing. I’ll be the doctor and you be the patient”.

“Alright...” I went with it, “How are you, doctor?”

“We have no appointments till November. Goodbye”.

Why did the spice get bullied?

Because he's ginger.

The spices in my cabinet where so old that I had to throw them out.

What a waste of thyme.

A wizard turned my cat into a pile of Indian spice!

Oh lawd, he cumin!

I decided to kill off some characters in the book I am writing

It would definitely spice up my autobiography.

I was seasoning my steak when one of my spice container lids popped open and spilled all over.

It was quite the waste of thyme

I invented a utility belt that holds one type of spice.

Everyone told me it was a waist of thyme.

Lately I have been really busy and it's interfering with my hobby of collecting all of the different types of spices...

...I just don't have the thyme.

I swapped all the labels around on my wife's spice rack.

She hasn't realized it yet, but the thyme is cumin.

That spice mix took too long to make

It was a waste of my thyme

I prepared a surprise dinner for my GF to teach her about different kind of spices

She doesn't know what's cumin

The girl I'm dating loves pumpkin spice lattes and uggs, but she's honestly pretty odd

She literally can't even

If you don’t properly seal the lids on your spice rack...

You’re going to have a bad Thyme.

The Spice Girls want to remind you to set your clocks back an hour tonight.

Because tonight is the night, when two becomes one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What can a married man get for $400 that will really spice up his sex life?

A divorce.

What type of drugs do spices deal?

They dill weed.

My wife wanted to get into "role play" to spice things up in the bedroom

I asked what she had in mind.
"Let's play doctor", she said.

I told her to go in the bedroom, shut the door, take off all of her clothes and wait on the bed for me.

After a half an hour I walked in, told her to lose 20 lbs. and handed her a bill for $300.

There is a big difference between *spice* and *spicy*

Spice is for everyone.

Spicy is for everyjuan.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An eighty-five year old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash and went to the Pearly Gates.

They had been in good health for the last ten years, mainly as a result of the wife's interest in healthy diets and exercise.

St. Peter welcomed them into Heaven and took them to their small palace in heaven- complete with a large bedroom, Jacuzzi, full kitchen, and billiards table. "How much...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife decide they need to spice up their sex life (NSFW)

The wife buys a pair of crotchless underwear, puts them on, and goes into the bedroom. She seductively asks her husband, Hey Big Boy, do ya want some of this? The husband takes one look at her underwear and replies, Hell no! Look what that thing does to underwear!

My roommate dissed my cooking and walked out of the kitchen.

So I threw a spice jar at the back of his head.
He never saw that cumin.

What'd the Gen Z-er say to the spice shop owner who claimed to have the largest spice plants of anyone around?

I'm here for a good thyme not a long thyme

*David Beckham* gets in a taxi at Dublin airport.

He notices the driver staring at him insistently in the rearview mirror.

After 5 minutes the taxi driver asks, “Ok. At least give me a hint"

David Beckham sighs and says “I had a brilliant career at Manchester United, married one of the Spice Girls and played for more than 100 times f...

My girlfriend wanted to "spice up the bedroom"

I hope she likes cinnamon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man uses up all his savings to open up a bar.

But there are many bars in the city and he has trouble attracting customers. So he stays up during the nights, trying new recipes for cocktails. But nothing seems to work. He is dejected and contemplates closing down the bar and cutting his losses. One evening, he is rummaging though his garage and ...

Me: I'm here for medication to help with my fear of the spice girls

Doctor: we have 3 types so tell me what you want

Me[screams]

My wife suggested that we spice things up a bit by playing Doctors and Nurses,

so I put her on a trolley in the hall and ignored her for 48 hours.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I suggested to my wife that to spice up our sex life, we introduce fruit into the bedroom.

She went fucking bananas.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife suggested buying some of those crotchless pants to spice up our sex lives.

But frankly, they make my balls hurt.

When I was a teenager, I was obsessed with Posh Spice.

Cost my parents a lot of money to buy all that saffron.

Which spice girl is able to carry the most petrol?

Geri can.

In a interview, my boss asked me, "Why do you think you should work here?"

I said, "My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

I then tried crushing cans for recycling, but I quit because it was soda-pressing....

So I’m dating this girl, called magnesium hydroxide, she likes fairy lights, nickelback and pumpkin spiced lattes...

Yeah she is pretty basic.

Kevin Durant should be sponsored by Old Spice.

He can have his own scent: Deo-Durant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a Japanese spice demon?

Pepper-oni.

My wife suggested to spice things up with roleplaying.

I asked her what she had in mind.

“Doctor and patient roleplaying” she said. “I’ll be the doctor.”

“Sounds good to me!” I said.

So she went to the bedroom and I waited in the hall.
I knocked on the door and hear her say: “Do you have an appointment?”

“Well, no...” ...

What's Jesus' favorite spice?

Sin o' man

A wife walks in on her husband screwing some woman and says " That's it! I'm leaving you, this is the final straw!"

The man jumps up & says " Hold on, let me explain!" She waits. He tells her this...

"I met this girl at the store & she was broke, dirty & hungry. So I brought her home to help her with what ever I could. I let her take a bath, but before she got in the bath, I thought about those...

If you've spent ages figuring out how to put herbs and spices on your belt loop...

...you've waisted thyme.

I almost completed my collection of herbs and spices today!

But i didn't have the thyme.

What is a volcano's favorite spice?

Ground cumin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cucumber, pickel and a penis meet at a bar.

Cucumber, pickel and a penis meet at a bar.

The cucumber says, man my life really sucks! Whenever I get big, fat and juciy, someones going to cut me up and put me in a salad!

The pickel says, you think you have it bad, when I got big, fat and juicy, someone poured vinegar and spices...

I recently subscribed to a "Spice of the Month" club

The thyme has come today...

Why do I add baking soda to my pumpkin spice lattes?

To make them even more basic.

To the person who stole my spices, I hope you’re happy...

Because you’re living on borrowed thyme.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the frustrated cook say when he ran out of spice for a recipe?

"I don't have thyme for this shit"

What spice do you find in hell?

SINammon

(Sorry)

The cops picked up a couple of spices for robbing a bank. Oregano says he won’t talk,

But only Thyme will tell.






Credit to u/hawt_pawket for helping me.

How do you spice up your love life and make it unforgettable?

A few drops of Tabasco should do the trick.

A chef made my soup in a rush and I asked "Why didn't you add any herbs and spices?"

He said "Sorry, I didn't have the thyme".

Did you know that there's a wrestling champion for spices and herbs?

It is called sumac down.

Today my spice rack fell to the ground, making a big mess.

I finished cleaning all the rosemary and sage so now I have a lot of thyme on my hands.

Four farmers are feeding their chickens

The first farmer asks, "So, how do y'all like your chicken?"

The second farmer says, "I like mine roasted with some herbs and spices."

The third farmer says, "I like mine deep fried with some biscuits and gravy."

The fourth farmer takes out a bag of marijuana and feeds it to his...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Zac Efron was a shitty spice girl...

He would be called Whack Saffron

My son used herbs and spices for dinner tonight...

I told him to stop as he's not a seasoned professional

My wife asked me to spice things up

So I told my girlfriend to Cumin.

I was bored, so I spent all day re-arranging my spice rack, only for one of the herb jars to exploded all over me...

I've got way too much thyme on my hands

A spice walks into a Jamaican bar...

A spice walks into a Jamaican bar, the bartender says in a thick Jamaican accent, "hey don't I recognize you from church?" The spice replies "no, I'm an atheist" The bartender exclaims "SINNA-MON"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I Started dating a disabled woman a few weeks ago and decided to spice things up a notch

So we ended up going to the Park at Night to have sex

She says, "My arms are pretty strong, why don't you take me to the Monkey bars, I can hang and we can do it that way."

before she can even climax we we're spotted by a bunch of park rangers.

sadly to say, i just left her han...

What's the #1 rule of the spice trade?

Thyme is money.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to Japan for a business trip and decides to spice things up.

The night before the meeting, he goes out and meets a “friendly” Japanese woman who he takes back to the hotel. They get to action and all night the woman repeatedly yells, “Chigau! Chigau!”

The next day the man goes to the meeting and it follows up with Golf with the Japanese employees. As t...

TIFU by taking my girlfriend to a food themed costume orgy.

Obligatory didn't happen today, but a few weeks ago, me and my girlfriend decided to spice up our relationship by going to an orgy. A mutual friend of ours gave us the adress, and told us to wear costumes. I was broccoli, my girlfriend was a tomato.

When we arrived, the door was unlocked. Th...

I’m writing a stand up routine about my favourite spice...

It’s a cinnamon shtick

What do you call someone with experience in spices

A seasoned veteran

A magician is working on a Cruise Ship...

With him, he has a parrot to spice up his routine. Sadly, the parrot has the habit of ruining his show.

Whenever the magician makes something disappear, the parrot announces: "Saw it! You palmed it and hid it up your sleeve!"

When he does a card trick, the parrot says: "Saw it! Every ...

What do you call a Jamaican spice trader?

Cinna-Mon.

Man and his wife are trying to spice up their marriage

So the husband comes home with a packet of flavoured condoms. He says to his wife;
"We'll play a game. I'll turn the light off, I'll put on the condom and you try and guess the flavour".
His wife goes down on him and after a few moments she calls out, "Cheese and Onion" as the husband res...

What did the spice jar say as he emptied into the dish?

Oh my god, I'm cumin!!!

Did you hear about the man who reviews herbs and spices?

I heard he's a seasoned expert.

Police are searching for a fugitive chef after he killed a customer who was arguing about spices used in a dish.

They are saying it's only a matter of thyme.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman wants to spice up her love life (long)

They have been married for a long time now and their love life is rather rusty, so the wife wants to spice things up a bit.

So she buys some revieling lingery and takes a sexy pose on the bed.

But the husband comes in the bedroom al pyjamad up. Gives her a short good night, goes to b...

My girlfriend told me all of the spice was gone from our relationship. I asked her how I could help...

“I just need a little thyme.”

Which spice is the worst at keeping secrets?

Only thyme will tell.

There is a spice shortage...

There is a shortage of spices all around the world. One entrepreneur saw the shortage coming and stocked up. His advisor was pushing to sell it soon so that people could have all of their favorite dishes. The entrepreneur looked at his advisor and said "what's the rush? We've got all the thyme in th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly couple were going to bed...

The old woman, wanting to spice up their love life, tied her robe around like a cape and came out of the bathroom yelling "Super Pussy!!!".

The old man says, "I'll have the soup."

which spice, according to jamaicans, is definitely going to hell?

the cinnamon!

As a child, I had a real obsession with Posh Spice

Which cost my mum a fortune in saffron...

I've built a spice catapult that is capable of seasoning a steak from a distance of 100 yards.

It's a little hard to aim but there's no sense crying over every missed steak.

Did you hear the Spice Girls are putting on a reunion tour? Sporty Spice, Posh Spice, Scary Spice and Baby Spice are all on board, but Ginger Spice turned them down.

Luckily they signed Donald Trump to replace her; he’ll be performing as Pumpkin Spice.

How do you cure someone with a pumpkin spice addiction?

Apply the pumpkin patch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife says we should spice up our sex life with some stuff from 50 Shades of Gray.

First, she wants me to become a billionaire.

I can't cook with spices right now...

...I just don't have the thyme.

What is Hannibal Lecter's favourite spice?

Ground ginger.

I just got a notification from Amazon about the package of spices that I ordered

The thyme has come.

We got our Seasonal bulk in at work today and got Pumpkin Spice Motor Oil.

It's for Autumnmobiles

Does anyone know what happened to the spice girls?

They all became old spice

I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out.

What a waste of thyme.

The Spice Mafia

It is a little known fact that some people want spices that they cannot obtain legally. Be it decades-old oregano, salt from the Last Supper, or the flesh of Sean Spicer, some people love strange and unusual spices. However, in order to obtain these spices, they only have one place to turn: the Spic...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman decided she needed to spice up her sex life. When her husband came home from work she was waiting for him wearing nothing but saran wrap.

When he walked through the door he looked at her and said, “Oh no! Not leftovers again.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married couple try to spice up their love life

The wife says "I have an idea that I think would be fun. Why don't we go to a bar and you act as if you don't know me, then you can try and pick me up?"

The husband, reluctant at first says "Okay, sounds interesting. Let's give it a shot."

Later that night they head to their local pu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend told me I need to spice things up in the bedroom...

So I told her I would cumin her pussy.

(That joke only works sometimes because it's seasonal)

What spice does a tiny doggo like on its steak?

Puppercorn.

What grows when you plant a pumpkin spice latte and water it with vodka?

A sorority.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A old woman wanted to spice up her sex life with her husband.

She is in the bathroom after a shower and ties her towel around her neck like a cape.

She runs out of the bathroom wearing nothing but the cape and screams "SSUUPPPEERRR PUSSY!!"

Her husband doesn't even look up from his book and just says, "I'll take the Soup"

My girlfriend complained about my obsession with spices.

So I said, "Bae, leave."

What do you call someone with a spice garden on Gallifrey?

A Thyme Lord.

Did you hear about the hostage situation at the spice factory?

They used a cumin shield.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to spice things up

A man and his wife are having a lot of trouble when it comes to being creative in bed. The wife begins to become fed up with the same old boring routine sex so the husband decides to do his research. The next night, the husband is feeling good about himself and tells his wife that he has something b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My GF wanted to try anal.

So my GF said she wanted to try anal. I told her that I was happy with what we were doing already. However, she insisted she wanted to spice things up, so I figured I would give it a try.

Unfortunately, after going at it for a while she started to feel some pain and we had to stop. I figur...

I want a sand timer with ground spices instead of sand

That way when it starts to run out I can say, "Oh no, I'm running out of Thyme!"

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.