UPJOKE
sorbetdessertchocolatecandyicecreammilkcustardfreezeicegelatosyrupfrozen yogurtpeach ice creamsodacheese

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A dumb kid walks into an ice cream shop... Kid: “I’ll have a scoop of vanilla and a scoop of chocolate please.” Clerk: “Sorry kid, we're out of chocolate.”

Kid: “OK. Make it a scoop of strawberry and a scoop of chocolate.”

Clerk: “No, no, you don't understand, it’s *chocolate* we're out of,”

Kid: “Ah, OK. Then gimme a scoop of raspberry, and a scoop of chocolate.”

Clerk: “Listen kid, can you spell the VAN in vanilla?”

Kid: “...

The cast of The Wizard of Oz go out for ice cream.

The Lion stops licking his cone, yelling, "Ouch!" and gripping his temples.

The Tinman stops licking his cone, yelling, "Ouch!" and gripping his temples.

Dorothy stops licking her cone, yelling, "Ouch!" and gripping her temples.

The Scarecrow says, "What's the matter with you ...

What do elephants and ice cream have in common?

They both come in quartz

So a woman is chasing down an ice cream truck...

... And the ice cream man stops and says, "What can I get for you, Ma'am?" She says "Nothing, just wanted to tell you I'm vegan."

A little old man goes to the ice cream parlor.

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

What day is ice cream day?

Sunday!

Why did the ice cream have an umbrella? Because of the sprinkles!

(Courtesy of my four year old son)

I overheard a man order a sundae with nuts, but no ice cream.

To me, that's just nuts.

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What do you get if you dip your balls in ice cream?

Brain freeze.

How does a genome eat ice cream?

Helix it

Why did the ice cream truck break down?

It drove over a rocky road

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An Ice Cream vendor sells Vagina flavored ice cream.

An Ice Cream vendor sells a new flavor of ice cream called Vagina to a customer.
-Customer: It tastes like shit!!!
-Ice cream vendor: You are taking too big licks!

Where do tigers go for ice cream?

Carol Baskin Robbins

At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”

“Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”

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A man walks in to an ice cream parlour

He notices a sign on the wall that states "we can make any flavour you can imagine" he decides to challenge them and asks "can you make pussy flavour?", the assistant replies "sure, give me a few minutes" and starts mixing all the different flavours together to get it perfect, he hands the ice cream...

I woke up this morning and saw two birds sitting in the sun in my backyard, eating ice cream.

They were Basking Robins.

I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends.

She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."

Why did little Timmy drop his ice cream cone?

He was run-over by a car.

I have a lactose intolerant friend who sells ice cream for a living.

He can’t take it, but he can dish it out.

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Johnny walked in the the ice cream store

He asked for one scoop of chocolate and one scoop of vanilla.

The man behind the counter says "I'm sorry, but we are all out of chocolate."

So johnny says "hmm, in that case I'll take one scoop of strawberry and one scoop of chocolate."

The man looks at johnny and says " I'm sor...

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A pretty and sexy woman was eating ice cream

A man comes near her and says:
-Madam, may I ask you a favor, but I am pretty sure you'll misunderstand me. Woman responds:
-Oh sir, no problem just say it.

"Can I lick it for once?" the man says.
"Oh, of course, here you are" answers the woman and passes the ice cream to man.
...

Got an ice cream for my girlfriend

Best trade i ever made.

A lady walks into an ice cream shop. "Can I get a chocolate scoop on a cone?" she asks.

"Sorry, ma'am, but we're out of chocolate ice cream," says the man behind the counter.
"Oh, well then can I get a chocolate sundae?" she asks.
"We're out of chocolate," he repeats.
"Well, how about a chocolate milkshake?"
The man is frustrated at this point and decides to teach h...

What did Ernie say when Bert asked if he wanted ice cream?

Sure....Bert.

Why did the kid drop his ice cream?

Because he got hit by a bus

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A few men are waiting in line for ice cream

It was a beautiful sunny day and while the sun stayed shining it began to rain (something that doesn't happen that often)

An old white man at the front of the line turns back to everyone else and says

"Here in America we used to say "The devil's been beatin' his wife" when the weather ...

A man goes to an ice cream stall in siberia

The owner askes "Which type of ice cream? The ice cream from the freezer, or the ice cream on the display cabinet?"

The man replies "The one in the freezer, i'm pretty sure it's warmer in there".

When I was a kid you could walk into a shop with a quarter and come out with 2 cokes, 3 bags of chips and an Ice cream...

Nowadays, CCTV everywhere.

Somebody walks into an ice cream parlor

and asks "what flavors do you have?"

The attendant says "over there on the signs on the wall, you'll see them all"

Clients goes "Ehm, well I'll have a cone with two scoops of *Mondays Closed*."

I'm opening a floating restaurant on a houseboat where we sell ice cream tacos, and our mascot is a gorilla dressed like an ancient Mongolian warrior.

I call it "Attila Gorilla's Vanilla Tortilla Flotilla"

My wife teases me with ice cream bc she knows I’m lactose intolerant.

She really milks it too.

Little Johnny - Ice Cream

An elementary school math teacher asked her class one day, "If there are three birds on a wire, and a farmer shot one, how many are left?"

One little boy said two, but little Sally, realizing it was a trick question, said, "None, 'cause everyone knows that if you shoot at birds they all...

What's that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream?

Everyone I ask can't remember either.

Where do you go to study the most difficult ice cream recipes?

Sundae school...

What kind of ice cream goes in a bird bath?

Bask’n Robins

A beaver is eating an ice cream

He has a sour look on his face. 'I wish I'd reach the stick already' he mumbles to himself.

What's a football player's favorite ice cream?

Any given sundae

What’s the motto of an ice cream shop in paradise?

Heaven ice day

What’s the difference between vanilla and French vanilla ice cream?

Cowardice.

The ice cream

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "N...

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Onion-Flavored Ice Cream

One day this kid walks into an ice cream parlor and asks the guy behind the counter "Do you have onion-flavored ice cream?"

The guy says, "No, we don't have onion-flavored ice cream."
So the kid says, "Ok" and leaves.

The next day, the kid comes back in and asks the same question...

I met an anarchist ice cream maker

Some men just want to watch the world churn.

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Give me some chocolate ice cream, please!

she said to the clerk.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, we're out of chocolate".

"Ok, then, give me some chocolate ice cream".

"I told you, we don't have any!"

"Well, I'll settle for chocolate ice cream".

The exasperated clerk says
"Can you spell 'straw' as in st...

The local ice cream shop has introduced a new mixed fruit flavour of ice cream dedicated to the president of the United States

They call it the Im-peached orange.

They say it is good, perhaps the greatest in the history of mixed fruit ice creams.

What do you call an ice cream spy?

A sorbetoure

Quasi-modo walks up to an ice cream truck

Quasi: Mr. Whippy with sprinkles please!

Vendor: Crushed nuts?

Quasi: No, bad back...

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Woman comes into an ice cream store and the kid working says, “hi, what can I get for you?”

The woman says, “I need a gallon of chocolate, a gallon of vanilla, and a gallon of strawberry ice cream please.”

The kid says, “I can do the vanilla and strawberry but we’re out of chocolate.”

Oh, “says the woman, disappointed. Then just get me a pint of chocolate, a pint of vanilla, ...

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So a guy walks into an ice cream shop..

He asks the clerk 'hello sir may I have a quart of vanilla?'

The clerk politely responds 'Im sorry we're fresh out of vanilla'

The man clearly disappointed says 'ah shucks alright I guess I'll just take a pint of vanilla'

The clerk slightly agitated states 'Sir we are complet...

Hey Jeff, got any ice cream in the freezer?

Jeffrey Dahmer: Nah man, only Ben and Jerry

What flavor ice cream do Jedi like best?

Obi-Wan Spumoni

Where does Goku keep his ice cream?

In the Freiza.

Whenever my Muslim roommate goes to pray, I sit next to him with some apple pie and ice cream.

Then both of us are in A La mode.

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A Grandpa and his Grandson go for ice cream.

The grandpa takes him to a special ice cream store and says:


"Here, this is a pussy flavored ice cream cone."


The grandson takes a couple licks.


"Grandpa, this tastes like shit."


"Son, you're taking too big a licks."

The ice cream parlor asks for my order

Parlor: "Hello Sir, can I take your order?"

Me: "Yes, I'd like a male hot fudge sundae please."

Parlor: "I'm sorry Sir, a male hot fudge sundae?"

Me: "Yes, with nuts".

What’s a geologist’s favorite ice cream?

Rock erode.

If Ice Cream Required a Prescription

Each scoop would cost $300 negotiated down to a mere $50.

It would only be available at the pharmacy across town.

You would have to buy 200 pounds at a shot and store it on your own.

There would only be one flavor, black licorice.

It'll take 20 years for a generic ice...

The local Ice Cream man was found dead on the floor of his van, covered in nuts, sprinkles and sauce.

The police think he topped himself.

A penguin sent his car to the mechanic before going to the ice cream shop...

He ordered vanilla ice cream and gobbles it down before going back to the mechanic.

Mechanic: It looks like you blew a seal.

Penguin: Ah no that’s just ice cream.

I love Valentines Day. The bottle of wine. The Heart-Shaped Ice Cream Cake...

Taking them home and eating them alone while crying and watching youtube videos.

Good times.

Joe and Bob are sitting outside a cafe enjoying a couple cigars when a young boy walks out of the ice cream parlour right next door.

Joe says "see that kid over there, dumbest kid I ever met, watch this...." and he calls the kid over.

Joe puts 50 cents in one of his hands, and a dollar bill in the other and holds them both out to the boy. Joe says "which do you want, 50 cents, or a dollar?" The boy quickly snatches up the ...

Why couldn’t the colourblind man sell ice cream?

His cones don’t work

What ice cream can Ernie never refuse?

Sherbet.


*jazz hands*

Ice Cream gets tested positive for Covid in China

I hope they've put it straight into iceolation

I was offered a job at the local ice cream shop

But I turned it down.

I don't like working on sundaes.

There's an upcoming show featuring the woman from Tiger King and Batman's sidekick, going around and reviewing ice cream parlors

Carole Baskin And Robin's

Why did the waitress say when Rick Astley asked to fast track his order of apple pie and vanilla ice cream?

I"m never gonna run around and dessert you.

Did you hear about Ben & Jerry’s new limited edition Ice Cream flavor?

Peach Mint.

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A blonde goes to an ice cream parlor

A blonde goes into an ice cream parlor. She walks up to the man at the counter and says, "I'd like some chocolate ice cream, please."

"I'm sorry, madam," says the man, "but I'm afraid we're out of chocolate."

"Oh," says the blonde. "In that case I'll have some chocolate."

So the...

The ice cream truck is going down the street

And a lady runs after it but it doesn't see her and keeps going. She keeps following until the driver sees her in his mirror. He stops and shes out of breath

Truck driver: “hey, sorry about that, I didn't see you, what can I get you? “

Out of breath she says “I just wanted to tell you...

An ice cream, a creme brulee, and a slice of cheesecake joined the army, but they abandoned their fellow soldiers on their first deployment

They are wanted for dessertion

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So a guy walks into an ice cream shop.

The owner walks up and asks the man what he would like.

“I’ll take a chocolate ice cream in a cone please.”

“Sorry, we’re actually out of chocolate. We only have vanilla and strawberry available,” replies the owner.

“Hmmm, well in that case I’ll take a scoop of chocolate in a cu...

[A cinema ticket office attendant told me this] Q. How does Reese eat ice cream?

A. Witherspoon

Have you ever seen something so attractive and so hot that it makes you melt like ice cream when you see try to get close to it?

I haven't. I think I'm seeing stars.

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Did you hear about the private who could shit ice cream?

He deserted his post.

I sold a thousand CDs but only made enough money to buy one ice cream.

Probably because each CD was Milli Vanilli.

A bear walks into an ice cream shop

Ice cream man: What can i get for ya?

Bear: Hi, i'd like a scoop of the chocolate...

ICM:

Bear:

ICM:

Bear: Chip.

ICM: Alright! One scoop of chocolate chip coming right up! By the way, what's with the pause?

Bear: \*waving paws in the air\* I'm a be...

A young boy walks into an ice-cream parlor and asks for 12 scoops of ice cream.

In disbelief the cashier asked him to repeat his order.

“I want 12 scoops of ice cream sir”

Not passing this huge order up the cashier went to work making sure the scoops were evenly balanced and could not tip over.

But before handing it over to him he asked the boy a question<...

Just went to the store and bought milk, cereal, juice and ice cream.

Cashier: “You must be single, right?”

Me: “Yes! How did you know?”

Cashier: “Because you’re ugly.”

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While waiting in line at an ice cream shop an elderly woman orders a plain chocolate cone.

The man behind the counter said “we’re out of chocolate today but there are other flavors with chocolate in them, what would you like?”

She again attempts to order plain chocolate. The man repeats “Ma’am we’re out of chocolate today but there are other flavors with chocolate in them, what wou...

Ice Cream Suicide

Last week a body was discovered in the back of an ice cream van in my neighbourhood. It was the the driver, and he was covered in hundreds and thousands, suger stars and chocolate flakes. Seems he must have topped himself.

A man is found dead in a park covered in ice cream, chocolate flakes, sprinkles and cherries.

Initially the police suspected foul play and opened up a possible murder case, however in the end it was concluded the man had topped himself

The Genie offered me one wish. I asked for a McDonald's ice cream. When he told me the machine was broken and he couldn't do the impossible I got to pick another wish. I asked him for an original joke on reddit. He agreed to grant my wish but had one last question...

Would you like that in a cone or a cup?

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A woman walks into an ice cream shop

And orders a chocolate ice cream. The young man assisting her kindly informs her they are a unique ice cream shop and only sell two flavors, Vanilla and Strawberry.

She replies rudely, “Well this is news to me so I’ll obviously need more time to decide.”

She’s staring at the menu with...

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Kowalski goes into the ice cream parlor and orders a chocolate ice cream..

”I’m sorry, sir,” says the clerk, ”but we are out of chocolate.”

”Oh,” says Kowalski, ”in that case I will take some chocolate.”

”No, no, sir,” says the clerk, ”you don’t understand. We have run out of chocolate.”

”Oh,” says Kowalski, ”then, just give me some chocolate.”
...

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A man walks into an ice cream shop...

... and tells the clerk "I want a gallon of Vanilla ice cream, a gallon of Strawberry ice cream, and a gallon of Chocolate ice cream." The clerk replies, "I'm sorry sir, we don't have any Chocolate." "Ok then" the man continues "I want a quart of Vanilla ice cream, a quart of Strawberry ice cream, a...

The ice cream van thieves

Two bank thieves decided to plan their final job, a huge bank near the Sahara desert.

Their trick was to leave the crime scene in a ice - cream truck, this way the police never suspected them. This final heist however was to prove their last.

They arrived in an battered old minivan an...

A quantum physicist and his friend go out for ice cream.

"What's your favourite flavour?" asks the friend.

"Charm," replies the physicist.

His friend looks at him.

"Why is it that whenever I ask you a question," begins the friend, "your answer is always strange?"

"Well it's strange *now*," the physicist protests, "shouldn't hav...

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A boy walks into an ice cream parlor....

The kid strolls up the counter, and the employee asks the lad....

"What flavor would you like?"

He looks over the list of flavors, and after a brief moment he says...

"Chocolate!"

With a sad face, the employee looks down to the boy and says... "I'm sorry, we're all out ...

What is it called when you get high and then eat ice cream?

Getting cold-stoned.

I thought of this while I was in the shower, so I ran downstairs and told my wife. We both laughed and she gave me a high five, and here we are.

A penguin is driving when he sees a check engine light on. He takes his car to the mechanic and then goes for ice cream.

A penguin is driving when he sees a check engine light on. He takes his car to the mechanic and then goes for ice cream. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks ...

How do you make the ice cream more expensive?

Just put it in the fridge longer. It will turn into a Cold Stone.

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