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Ice Cream Jokes

I have a lactose intolerant friend who sells ice cream for a living.

He can’t take it, but he can dish it out.

Which celebrity is always ready for ice cream?

Reese, with her spoon.

At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”

“Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”

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A dumb kid walks into an ice cream shop...

Kid: “I’ll have a scoop of vanilla and a scoop of chocolate please.”

Clerk: “Sorry kid, we're out of chocolate.”

Kid: “OK. Make it a scoop of strawberry and a scoop of chocolate.”

Clerk: “No, no, you don't understand, it’s *chocolate* we're out of,”

Kid: “Ah, OK. Then gim...

So a woman is chasing down an ice cream truck...

... And the ice cream man stops and says, "What can I get for you, Ma'am?" She says "Nothing, just wanted to tell you I'm vegan."

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Ice cream

I was walking down the street last summer on a hot day. Sweltering hot. As I was looking for a way to break the heat, I see an ice cream parlor just up the street. I walk towards the door and I see the flavor of the day written on a placard:

Today's Special Flavor: Pussy

I think, "ah,...

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So a guy walks into an ice cream shop..

He asks the clerk 'hello sir may I have a quart of vanilla?'

The clerk politely responds 'Im sorry we're fresh out of vanilla'

The man clearly disappointed says 'ah shucks alright I guess I'll just take a pint of vanilla'

The clerk slightly agitated states 'Sir we are complet...

What do children and ice cream have in common?

They’re sweet but they sometimes give you a headache.

Why does Ernie never get served ice cream?

Cause he always answers 'Sure, Bert'

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Johnny walked in the the ice cream store

He asked for one scoop of chocolate and one scoop of vanilla.

The man behind the counter says "I'm sorry, but we are all out of chocolate."

So johnny says "hmm, in that case I'll take one scoop of strawberry and one scoop of chocolate."

The man looks at johnny and says " I'm sor...

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I was working in an ice cream shop and we ran out of vanilla ice cream

About 10 minutes later a lady comes in and asks for a gallon of vanilla. So I have to break the news too her.
“Sorry ma’am, we are all out of vanilla today.”
“Oh, no bother” she says, “I’ll just take a pint of vanilla then”
Slightly confused, I say “No ma’am, it’s not just the gallon size, ...

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor.

The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told ...

Where do you learn to make ice cream?

At Sundae school.

I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends.

She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."

Why did little Timmy drop his ice cream cone?

He was run-over by a car.

The ice cream

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "N...

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It's a hot day at the end of summer, and ...

A man walks into a local ice cream parlor and looks at the menu and orders a single scoop of chocolate ice cream.


Employee: "Sorry, we're all out of chocolate ice cream today."


Customer: " Awhhh... well, okay." "Umm... lemme get a double scoop of chocolate ice cream." ...

What kind of ice cream do they sell at airports

Plain ice cream

An ice cream man has been found dead covered in hundreds and thousands...

The police think he topped himself.

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An Ice Cream vendor sells Vagina flavored ice cream.

An Ice Cream vendor sells a new flavor of ice cream called Vagina to a customer.
-Customer: It tastes like shit!!!
-Ice cream vendor: You are taking too big licks!

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Woman comes into an ice cream store and the kid working says, “hi, what can I get for you?”

The woman says, “I need a gallon of chocolate, a gallon of vanilla, and a gallon of strawberry ice cream please.”

The kid says, “I can do the vanilla and strawberry but we’re out of chocolate.”

Oh, “says the woman, disappointed. Then just get me a pint of chocolate, a pint of vanilla, ...

A penguin broke down in Las Vegas.

A penguin was driving through Vegas when suddenly his car stopped working so he had it towed to the nearest mechanic.

When he got there the mechanic told him it could take an hour or two to find out what is wrong with his car. The penguin was getting hot so he asked the mechanic where he coul...

A boy walks into an ice cream shop and asks the attendant

"Do you have pea ice cream?"

"No" he replies.

After a week the same kid goes back to the ice cream shop and asks: "Do you have pea ice cream?"

"No" he replies. "That's ridiculous."

After a few days, the same boy walks into the shop and asks the same question, getting th...

What is a cowboy's favourite ice cream?

Yee-Häagen-Dazs!

I can't remember the name of that Italian dessert where you pour espresso over ice cream.

I asked my Italian friend, but he couldn't remember either.

Where do tigers go for ice cream?

Carol Baskin Robbins

In what way is ice cream like a first date?

You're a psychopath if you eat either at room temperature.

Bert: Hey Ernie, you want some ice cream?

Sherbert.

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Pour Me Some Ice Cream

A husband comes home with a half gallon of ice cream. He asked his wife if she wants some.

"How hard is it?" she asked.

"About as hard as my dick," he replies.

The wife replies, "Ok! Then pour me some!"

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same...

Little Johnny & the Teacher

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot."
The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then Litt...

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

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Give me some chocolate ice cream, please!

she said to the clerk.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, we're out of chocolate".

"Ok, then, give me some chocolate ice cream".

"I told you, we don't have any!"

"Well, I'll settle for chocolate ice cream".

The exasperated clerk says
"Can you spell 'straw' as in st...

A Blue Bell ice cream walks into a bar . . .

“We don’t serve your kind here!” shouts the bartender, angrily.

“But I know for a fact that you served Ben & Jerry just hours ago!” retorts the ice cream, offended.

“Yeah, but we don’t serve Sam & Ella.”

A man has just finished a trip to the Sea Life Centre, and is finishing up an ice cream on the way back to his car

When getting in to his car, he has a bit of ice cream round his mouth.

A guy parking alongside notices the mans tyres are a little flat and gestures for him to wind his window down.

"Hey man, it looks like you've blown a seal!"

"It's just ice cream, I swear to God!"

In honor of my 7th cake day, I present to you, my Dad's favorite joke.

It's a really hot day and this penguin is having car trouble, so he takes it into a garage. The penguin asks, "How long will it be?" The mechanic says, "Just a few minutes." So the penguin decides to go get an ice cream at the grocery store across the street. When the penguin gets there he climbs in...

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona...

...and sees that the car's oil-pressure light is on.He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin...

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A boy walks into an ice cream parlor....

The kid strolls up the counter, and the employee asks the lad....

"What flavor would you like?"

He looks over the list of flavors, and after a brief moment he says...

"Chocolate!"

With a sad face, the employee looks down to the boy and says... "I'm sorry, we're all out ...

The ice cream scooper got chocolate ice cream in my vanilla ice cream.

That’s a twist.

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood..

Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall.

He kills time walking around the mall, doe...

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Onion-Flavored Ice Cream

One day this kid walks into an ice cream parlor and asks the guy behind the counter "Do you have onion-flavored ice cream?"

The guy says, "No, we don't have onion-flavored ice cream."
So the kid says, "Ok" and leaves.

The next day, the kid comes back in and asks the same question...

Why did the ice cream truck break down?

It drove over a rocky road

What would happen if an Ice Cream’s feet are cut off?

It would lack toes.

what do you call a group of Goth people eating ice cream?

Depressed á la móde

A penguin decides to take a road trip and drive across the country to see the world.

A penguin decides to take a road trip and drive across the country to see the world. So, he hops into his car and starts driving. He's cruising down the highway when suddenly, his car starts making strange noises, and smoke starts pouring out from under the hood.
Panicked, the penguin manages t...

A penguin goes on vacation..

A penguin is driving his car through the country when it starts to smoke. He brings it to the local garage and asks the mechanic to look at it. The mechanic shakes his head and says, "I'll take a look, but it might take some time." The penguin shrugs and replies, "That's alright, I'll wander aroun...

A Boy Stands in the middle of the street and screams: "ICE CREAM! ICE CREAM!"

A man walks Up to the Boy and asks what he is doing.
The Boy replies: I Scream ice cream.

Somebody walks into an ice cream parlor

and asks "what flavors do you have?"

The attendant says "over there on the signs on the wall, you'll see them all"

Clients goes "Ehm, well I'll have a cone with two scoops of *Mondays Closed*."

What's a football player's favorite ice cream?

Any given sundae

The local ice cream shop has introduced a new mixed fruit flavour of ice cream dedicated to the president of the United States

They call it the Im-peached orange.

They say it is good, perhaps the greatest in the history of mixed fruit ice creams.

A lady walks into an ice cream shop. "Can I get a chocolate scoop on a cone?" she asks.

"Sorry, ma'am, but we're out of chocolate ice cream," says the man behind the counter.
"Oh, well then can I get a chocolate sundae?" she asks.
"We're out of chocolate," he repeats.
"Well, how about a chocolate milkshake?"
The man is frustrated at this point and decides to teach h...

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I'd like to buy some ice cream please...

Ice Cream Man: Sure, what kind would you like?



Kid: Um...chocolate



Ice Cream Man: Oh, sorry kid. We're out of chocolate. I still have plenty of strawberry and vanilla though.



Kid: Um...okay...I'll have...chocolate please



Ice Cream Man: Uh, ...

A beaver is eating an ice cream

He has a sour look on his face. 'I wish I'd reach the stick already' he mumbles to himself.

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they gi...

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Kowalski goes into the ice cream parlor and orders a chocolate ice cream..

”I’m sorry, sir,” says the clerk, ”but we are out of chocolate.”

”Oh,” says Kowalski, ”in that case I will take some chocolate.”

”No, no, sir,” says the clerk, ”you don’t understand. We have run out of chocolate.”

”Oh,” says Kowalski, ”then, just give me some chocolate.”
...

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A man goes into an ice cream store...

The man asks for a sugar cone with a scoop of chocolate.

The counter man says "I'm sorry sir, but we are out of chocolate."

"Oh, I see" says the man. "Well, in that case, I'll just have a a cup of ice cream, no cone."

"No problem" the counter guy replies "What flavor?"

"...

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A Guy walks into an ice cream shop

he goes up to the counter and asks for two scoops of chocolate.

The clerk: oh well this is sort of embarrassing.... I'm afraid we are all out of chocolate.. all I have left is vanilla and strawberry. I can get you one of those if you like.

The guy: what? how could you be out of chocola...

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A pretty and sexy woman was eating ice cream

A man comes near her and says:
-Madam, may I ask you a favor, but I am pretty sure you'll misunderstand me. Woman responds:
-Oh sir, no problem just say it.

"Can I lick it for once?" the man says.
"Oh, of course, here you are" answers the woman and passes the ice cream to man.
...

A young boy walks into an ice-cream parlor and asks for 12 scoops of ice cream.

In disbelief the cashier asked him to repeat his order.

“I want 12 scoops of ice cream sir”

Not passing this huge order up the cashier went to work making sure the scoops were evenly balanced and could not tip over.

But before handing it over to him he asked the boy a question<...

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Ok so this is not a joke for everyone

Once upon a time there was a country that whenever a men grew up ‘til a certain age their dick would be cut, but how would they do it depends on what their job is.

One day the day to cut people’s dick off comes and there is a line of hundreds of men crying.
“What is your job?” “I’m a butc...

I met an anarchist ice cream maker

Some men just want to watch the world churn.

I overheard a man order a sundae with nuts, but no ice cream.

To me, that's just nuts.

What’s the difference between vanilla ice cream and French vanilla ice cream?

Cowardice

The cast of The Wizard of Oz go out for ice cream.

The Lion stops licking his cone, yelling, "Ouch!" and gripping his temples.

The Tinman stops licking his cone, yelling, "Ouch!" and gripping his temples.

Dorothy stops licking her cone, yelling, "Ouch!" and gripping her temples.

The Scarecrow says, "What's the matter with you ...

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A man walks in to an ice cream parlour

He notices a sign on the wall that states "we can make any flavour you can imagine" he decides to challenge them and asks "can you make pussy flavour?", the assistant replies "sure, give me a few minutes" and starts mixing all the different flavours together to get it perfect, he hands the ice cream...

A man comes up to the drive thru window, and the attendant greets him:

Attendant: Welcome, how may I help you today?

Customer: I'd like a burger and a vanilla ice cream cone

Attendant: Sorry, the ice cream machine is broken again today, and we don't know how long it'll be down, so we don't have any ice cream today.

Customer: How about fries and ic...

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A gallon of chocolate ice cream

A heavy set woman walks into an ice cream store and orders a gallon of chocolate ice cream. The man behind the counter says "ma'am, i'm so sorry, but we just ran out of chocolate."
Now this heavy set woman is an executive-type, and she is hungry and in a hurry, she says "Look asshole, give me a h...

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things...

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want an...

A guy with a whimpering faint voice orders an ice cream...

Vendor asks: "Crushed nuts?"
Guy whimpers back: "No. Laryngitis."

A man goes to an ice cream stall in siberia

The owner askes "Which type of ice cream? The ice cream from the freezer, or the ice cream on the display cabinet?"

The man replies "The one in the freezer, i'm pretty sure it's warmer in there".

What’s the motto of an ice cream shop in paradise?

Heaven ice day

The ice cream parlor asks for my order

Parlor: "Hello Sir, can I take your order?"

Me: "Yes, I'd like a male hot fudge sundae please."

Parlor: "I'm sorry Sir, a male hot fudge sundae?"

Me: "Yes, with nuts".

What flavor ice cream do Jedi like best?

Obi-Wan Spumoni

Where does Goku keep his ice cream?

In the Freiza.

Little Johnny - Ice Cream

An elementary school math teacher asked her class one day, "If there are three birds on a wire, and a farmer shot one, how many are left?"

One little boy said two, but little Sally, realizing it was a trick question, said, "None, 'cause everyone knows that if you shoot at birds they all...

A man was deathly afraid of ice cream

So much so that the mere sight or mention of the tasty frozen treat could send him into a panic attack.

He tried to avoid it, but it was everywhere. In movies. In songs. On social media. In real life!

Due to the severity of his condition, the man resolved to find a life partner who hat...

The ice cream truck is going down the street

And a lady runs after it but it doesn't see her and keeps going. She keeps following until the driver sees her in his mirror. He stops and shes out of breath

Truck driver: “hey, sorry about that, I didn't see you, what can I get you? “

Out of breath she says “I just wanted to tell you...

Why are kids like ice cream?

They're the best thing in the world, but they can also give you a massive headache. You're also supposed to enjoy them in moderation, which is why grandparents, aunts, and uncles have it best.

An animal rescuer, homeless shelter director, volunteer pediatrician, and ice cream machine repairman are waiting at the Pearly Gates

The animal rescuer meets Saint Peter who reviews her resume of thousands of animals she's saved. Shaking his head, he announces: "Denied."

Next is the homeless shelter director. Saint Peter looks over his resume, nods slightly, but still announces: "Denied."

The volunteer pediatricia...

What kind of ice cream goes in a bird bath?

Bask’n Robins

Quasi-modo walks up to an ice cream truck

Quasi: Mr. Whippy with sprinkles please!

Vendor: Crushed nuts?

Quasi: No, bad back...

I was offered a job at the local ice cream shop

But I turned it down.

I don't like working on sundaes.

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Two men with Alzheimer’s at the bech

Edit: *Beach (haha)

....they are peckish and want some food.

The first man (Bob) says “Carl, do you want to buy us a couple of ice creams?”

Carl: Sure what do you want?

Bob: vanilla ice cream in a cone, a flake and chocolate sauce

Carl: Ok, I’ll be back now.
...

The ice cream van thieves

Two bank thieves decided to plan their final job, a huge bank near the Sahara desert.

Their trick was to leave the crime scene in a ice - cream truck, this way the police never suspected them. This final heist however was to prove their last.

They arrived in an battered old minivan an...

The penguin and the mechanic

A penguin is driving a rental car through Arizona when, suddenly, the air conditioner stops working. The penguin, frantic with the heat, swerves into the first car repair shop he sees.

Penguin jumps out yelling, "Quick, quick! Drop everything and fix my air conditioner. I'm literally dying...

Our local ice cream van was found ....

When the police checked it over they found the vendor inside on the floor. He was covered in raspberry syrup, chocolate sauce, “ hundreds and thousands”, chocolate flakes and pink sprinkles. Their current theory is that he had topped himself.

Why did the boy drop his ice cream?

He got hit by a truck

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While waiting in line at an ice cream shop an elderly woman orders a plain chocolate cone.

The man behind the counter said “we’re out of chocolate today but there are other flavors with chocolate in them, what would you like?”

She again attempts to order plain chocolate. The man repeats “Ma’am we’re out of chocolate today but there are other flavors with chocolate in them, what wou...

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A Grandpa and his Grandson go for ice cream.

The grandpa takes him to a special ice cream store and says:


"Here, this is a pussy flavored ice cream cone."


The grandson takes a couple licks.


"Grandpa, this tastes like shit."


"Son, you're taking too big a licks."

What's Trump's least favorite ice cream flavor?

Peach Mint.

Soy ice cream

Because how else would vegans know what ice cream doesn't taste like?

Hey Jeff, got any ice cream in the freezer?

Jeffrey Dahmer: Nah man, only Ben and Jerry

It's only Ice cream!

A penguin decides he was sick of living in the antarctic and wants to go see the world.

So he decides he's going to drive through the Americas. Anyways he's been driving up from South America and he makes it to Arizona when he gets a flat tire.

He finds a garage to take his car to an...

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Chocolate ice cream

A lady walks into an ice cream shop and looks around. Walks up to the counter and asks for a gallon of chocolate ice cream. "I'm sorry, ma'am, but I just ran out of chocolate but I have vanilla and strawberry."

"Oh, ok. let's see.... let me get a half gallon of chocolate."

"Lady,...

Ice Cream gets tested positive for Covid in China

I hope they've put it straight into iceolation

The Ice Cream Truck

On a hot sunny day, the ice cream truck was driving slowly until the driver saw a woman chasing frantically down the sidewalk, screaming "Hey, Wait!"

He stops, parks and opens the window, with a smile.

"What'll it be lady?"

She tries to catch her breath, but she manages to tell ...

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