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Competing Jokes

I’m ok with trans women competing in women’s sports

As long as I’m allowed to bet

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What do you call a Pornstar who is competing on Masterchef?

Pansexual

MI6, CIA and KGB are competing against each other...

Last competition. The mission is to find a bear in a 10000 sq/km forest
MI6 goes first. Using dogs and 1000 agents they have found a bear in 12 hours.
CIA goes next. Using satellites and heatvisors they found a bear in 6 hours
KGB goes last. Two agents enters a forest and came out of it ...

3 Bats are competing who can drink more blood.

The first bat goes away and comes back after some time looking pretty bloody. "You see that village over there?" " yes" "well i drank all blood there". Than secont bat goes away and comes back after more time looking bloodier than the first one "You see that town over there?" "Yes" "well i drank all...

Three americans are competing to paint a foreign flag on a white sheet of canvas ...

The three are given only 30 minutes to complete their assignment.

The first student decides to paint Germany's flag, the second will paint the United Kingdom's, and the third Hungary's.

The first and second are already making good progress. The third's about to take his first brush str...

A Scotsman was competing in the highland games...

Carothers had a few pints after the caber toss and wanted to take a nap before all the dancing started. So he headed out to the woods and found a nice meadow to take a wee snooze.

Two young and beautiful lasses were picking flowers in the meadow when they stumbled upon him. Being curious on...

Imagine America's best dentists competing against each other in fixing dental problems

We'll call the show "Top Gum"

Three vampires are competing at who can drink the most blood

They decide to meet in an hour and see who drank the most. An hour passes and they meet. The first vampire's face is bloody. The second vampire is even bloodier, his hands are bloody aswell. But the third one won: the blood is dripping down his face and his shirt is coverred in it, and so are his ha...

2 thirteen year olds competing

against each other about who has the longest memory.

1st boy said: I remember when I was about 2 years, I almost died from a nasty dog bite.

2nd boy said: That's nothing, I can remember before I was born. I went to the park with my dad and came home with my mum.

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A farmer has dozens of cows and two bulls, but both bulls are too old to mate anymore.

One day the famer brings a third bull into the field. The new bull is much younger than the other two, and immediately starts mating with cow after cow.

When the old bulls see this, one of them starts huffing, snorting, and scraping the ground with his hoof.

"Don't bother competing wit...

For a second consecutive year a team competing in the Super Bowl has home field advantage.

To ensure this doesn't happen again, all subsequent Super Bowls will be held in Dallas, Texas.

Two slices of bread are competing to see who would stay fresh the longest.

It ended in a stalemate.

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Three disabled swimmers are competing in one tournament

First does not have legs, judges is asking him how he is going to swim he answers "You will see" and he is thrown into the water. He finishes the race using only his arms.
Second one does not have arms, again judge asks him how he is going to do it, he replies "You will see". He is jumps in to t...

Competing investment clubs are opening in Chicago.

The Chicago Bears and the Chicago Bulls.

I'm going to make 2 companies. Competing with Microsoft will be Megahard. Competing with The North Face will be The South End.

Now to make the logos...

In the 60s, the Russians and the Americans were competing for the best space program

They both were determined to prove they had the greatest minds, the greatest technology. In one example, the Americans spent almost a million USD just to invent a no-gravity pen. They put their best minds to work, and came up with putting a small CO2 pressure cartridge into the back of the ink tub...

A coworker competing with me for a promotion sent me this message: "armed conflict between different nations or states or different groups within a nation or state."

This means war.

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Germany, Russia and Poland are competing in a vault breaking competition...

The rules of the competition are simple. There is a vault in the middle of a room. The light in the room is shut off for 3 seconds. In those 3 seconds the team can do whatever they want to the vault to try and get in. If the team manages to break into the vault before the light comes back on they ge...

I've started competing in discus meets

I almost won a trophy yesterday. I threw the discus really far, but this other competitor named Gus got my throw erased. He said my throw got lifted by a burst of wind, so he went to the track officials.

This Gus discussed his disgust on the discus.

Three cats are competing in a race...

An American cat named "One two three," a German cat named "Ein zwei drei," and a French cat named "Une deux trois." The cats all swim across a lake with the American cat coming in first and the German cat coming in second but the French cat is missing.

Why?

Because Une deux trois quatr...

Why was Jupiter banned from competing in the planetary boxing match?

He took asteroids.

Jealous of the success of the Travis Scott burger, Kylie Jenner has signed a deal with a competing chain.

Coming soon: Eat Kylie's Taco at a Taco Bell near you.

Three knights in training were competing to see who could chop a mannequin into little pieces.

The first one tries. He makes a small slice in the chest. The second one tries and he makes a large gash in the torso. The third one tries and slices the head off. He was a cut above the rest.

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The priest and the sacristan were competing to see who had fucked more women...

...So they decided to stay in the middle of a busy street, one on each side of the street. If some woman walked between them, they would say "BANG" if they had sex with that woman.

The 1st woman passes by: The priest proudly says "BANG" while the sacristan stays quiet.

The 2nd women pa...

So countries are basically competing to most effectively manage a virus that makes people cough and sneeze. Does that make this...

A Cold War?

Did you hear about the ESL student competing in the S&M Olympics?

She came in 5^st place!

[Long] The FBI, Scotland Yard, and the KGB are competing to find out who is a better investigative agency.

They release a rabbit in the woods, and whoever finds it quickest is declared the best investigative agency.
The FBI agent goes in first and investigates. He follows trails, asks questions to the other animals, and sets up Wanted posters throughout the forest. He continues this for a week until ...

I'm running out of things to watch on TV. I just finished a movie about five families of fish competing for control of the reef...

It was called "The Codfather".

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My friend announced that he's going to compete in the sex Olympics this year.

He's competing in the bi-athlon.

Me to HR: Your careers page says the company offers "competitive salary". What does that mean exactly?

HR: That means your salary will be competing with your bills.

A British, A German and an American military doctor were competing on who had done the greatest accomplishment during their careers.

The Brit said that he had replaced a blown off leg with a wooden one and the man had went on to become an acrobat.



The German said that that was nothing and that he had replaced a blown off arm with a wooden one and the man had went on to become Germany's greatest drummer.

...

What is the name of one of the Chinese gymnasts competing at the Rio Olympics?

Wai Tu Yung

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Two guys were competing to see who could masturbate into menswear the fastest...

in the end it didn't matter, they both came in a tie.

My favorite Irish joke about The Olympics

An Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman wanted to see the Olympics, but they didn't have tickets. They went round back to see if they could sneak in, but there was a guard at the rear entrance which is also where the competing athletes entered. The Englishman looks around and sees a long pole on the g...

Job

Two smart, attractive, well-educated young law graduates, Sally and Edith, were competing for a prestigious job.

As part of the job interview each was asked why she wanted the job.

Edith answered that she wanted to work for a firm with a reputation of being concerned with truth and j...

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The Pretzel Hold

An American wrestler is competing in the Olympics and is slated to go up against Ivan Bortski, the Russian champ. Coach pulls him aside and says, "Listen this is Bortski the champion. Whatever you do, don't let him get you into the Pretzel Hold, his most famous move. You won't win if he gets you int...

A group of bats were hosting a competition

Three of them would be competing to see which could suck the most blood in 10 minutes.
The first one went to a field with sheep. After ten minutes it returned with blood dripping from its fangs. The judge asked “ how did you get this blood?” The bat responded “see that field with sheep? I drank ...

America...

the only place where you can go to a World Championship game with only one nation competing against themselves

The crowd was tense with excitement as the final three Samurai faced off;

After a long day of competing it was the final round of competition to find who was indeed the master swordsman.

In a final challenge the three men had to show their prowess and concentration by slicing the finest of targets, a mere fly.

The first Samurai steps up to the stage a fly is...

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Chuck Norris injected his blood into a monkey, a fish, and a lizard.

These are now known as King Kong, Jaws, and Godzilla.

What every athlete says after winning: "First of all, I'd like to thank Chuck Norris for not competing."

Chuck can eat Chinese food with one chopstick.

Chuck threw a few rocks into the Pacific Ocean. These are now known as Ha...

Just found endless love!!!

Stevie wonder and ray charles are competing in a charity tennis match

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I took a trip to the sperm clinic today...

A lady asked me if I'd like to masterbate in the cup. I told her I'm pretty good at it but I'm not sure if I'm ready to be competing in tournaments.

I think it's just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong

especially after what he achieved winning 7 Tour de France races while competing on drugs. When I'm on drugs, I can't even find my bike.

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