I made a one minute long documentary on a U.S. island territory in Micronesia...

It's called Guam in 60 Seconds.

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath,

"Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

TIL For 15 years, the Swedes thought sounds from the sea were Russian submarines invading their territory. They regularly investigated, sending subs, boats and helicopters - at great expense - only to come up empty-handed.

Upon investigation by a biologist, the noise was discovered to be farts from fish.

It seems the Swedes were having herring problems.

Two german soldiers patrol on the German-Austrian border.

Suddenly they come across someone who hanged himself in the forest, through which the border line goes. One soldier says to the other: "If we report this, we'll never get off work in time for dinner!" "I have an idea!", exclaims the other, "let's make it the austrians' problem."
That said, the tw...

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2 guys get caught by jungle people

One day 2 guys are going somewhere via a dense forest. Suddenly they get surrounded by tribals.
"You have dared to cross our private territory. You must pay now. Either face the leader's punishment or face death"

Guy 1 opts for the leader's punishment.
The leader shows up: "you have t...

Three explorers, one Irish, another English, and an American, were walking in the Amazon. Soon they came across a tribe and the leader told them that if they wanted to pass through their territory that they had to pass the three caves test.

The leader of the tribe took them to the caves, where he said "Inside the first, there are three bottles of rum, each 100 years old and said to be toxic. You have to drink one each. In the second is a lion with a thorn in his foot. You must remove the thorn. In the third is a woman who has never bee...

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the stor...

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For three years I battled in opposition territory.

Although the police prefer to call it "masturbating in the women's restroom".

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A hunter shoots a duck and the duck falls dead on Aboriginal territory.

The Hunter goes to get it, and an Aboriginal man stops him. "This duck is on my land, so it's mine."

The hunter argues that he shot it, so it's his.

They go back and forth for some time, and finally the Aboriginal says, "We have a tradition here for settling disputes - we take turns k...

A king sends a scout to the northern part of his territory.

The scout returns and rushes to the King to deliver his report.
"Your Grace, the northerners are revolting!"


The King replies, "I do know that they don't take a bath that often, but isn't it a bit too rude to call them that?"

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Canada was giving away provinces and territories. I said that I wanted none of it.

Instead, they gave me the biggest fucking territory they had.

ISIS is taking back territory after a surprise turn of events

Their new partnership with Samsung is quickly paying off

Dear Belarusian President Lukashenko

my mother-in-law is taking the next Ryanair flight number 1268 from Paris to Moscow and will be flying over your territory at around 8pm. I distinctly heard her criticising your regime this Sunday at the dinner table. You are welcome.


Ps: not my joke, translated from french

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How Texas got its name (If you are from Texas you may not want to read it)

These three cowboys were traveling south and finally crossed the border from Oklahoma into a new territory that was still owned by Mexico. As they sat down to make camp that night one of them looked around as the sun set over the horizon and asked his companions "what should we name this place? I am...

How does the Prague mafia mark its territory?

With a Czech mark

3 soldiers crash on German territory in World War 2...

They were an American, a Brit and a Belgian soldier.

Since it's 1944 and the Germans still have hope the commanding officer offers them a way out; They can choose between the electric chair, a firing squad or the gallow.

With each penalty comes the rule: survive 3 times and you're fr...

There once was an emperor who ruled over a massive territory.

When he came in to power he passed many strange laws. The first law he passed was that in every sentence that you use the word "or" you must also have an "M" in that same sentence.

The people of his domain could do nothing to oppose this outrageous law because it was the
"M per Ors" decre...

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Two lions split up their territory. One takes New Mexico, the other takes Texas.

Two lions split up their territory. One takes New Mexico, the other takes Texas. After the winter, they meet up again. The Texas lion is all skin and bones by the end of it.

The New Mexico lion says, "What the hell happened to you? You must have been doing something wrong with your hunting."<...

U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans rowing towards Texas. The Captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts:

“Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "Gringo, we are invading the United States of
America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's."

The entire crew on the destroyer doubles over in laughter....

You get to choose between visiting Canada's largest territory, or all the provinces together.

It's either all of it or Nunavut

A tourist got lost, late at night, wandering around in the mountainous Appalachian territory...

Out of the darkness came an old hillbilly with a shotgun in one hand and a jug of moonshine in the other.

The hillbilly pushed the shotgun into the tourist's belly and shouted:

"Drink! Drink some!"

Fearing for his life, the tourist swallowed a mouthful, then coughed and splutter...

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A third grade teacher assigns her students homework

They are to ask their parents for a story with a moral and share it the next day.
The next day the teacher calls on little Peggy-Sue. Peggy-Sue stands and says “My daddy told me about the chickens that we raise for slaughter. One day we bought 12 eggs and only 9 of them hatched. The moral of the...

I finally discovered why my program kept crashing: I had a pointer that walked off the end of a char array.

It entered uncharred territory.

The Brave Captain

In the vast ocean of the new colonies, a British ship patrols the outskirts of its territory.

Suddenly, the lookout yells from the top of the ship: “Captain!Captain! Pirate vessel in sight!”

With a stern look on his face, the captain declares: “Go fetch me my red blouse!”

And wi...

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Did you hear about the pissed-off cartographer tasked with redrawing the map of Canada's largest territory?

He was halving Nunavut.

Chess is a very progressive game...

Because if the soldier gets to the enemy's territory, his reward is getting to marry the king.

What do you call new underwear?

Unsharted territory.

One afternoon a teacher gives her class a homework assignment to go home and have their parents tell them a story with a moral.

The next morning the teacher stands in front of the class and asks, “would anyone like to share the story from their homework?”

25 little hands shoot in the air and the teacher calls on a young boy.

“Well,” starts the boy, “my family raises chickens, and one time our chicken laid 9 eg...

Kingdom

A young child asks his father:

"Daddy, what is a kingdom?"

The all-knowing father answers:

"A kingdom is a territory that is ruled by a king. Hence the name KINGdom."

The child, enlightened by his father wisdom, replies:

"Ohhh I see. Then that is why we live in a c...

Saudi Arabia banned chess, calling it a dangerous game

The Queen doesn't wear a burkha.
The Queen roams freely wherever she wants to.
The Queen is more powerful than the King.
The Queen goes alone to opponent's territory.
Most importantly, there's only one Queen.

A duck, a lion and a snake walk into a bar.

After some drinks, they are talking about their own greatness.

The Lion tells stories about his harem, how he rules above a vast territory and how he never knew hunger.

The duck describes how beautiful the world looks like from above, and never having to endure harsh winters becaus...

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Space travel is a lot like sex...

Man ventures deep into dark uncharted territory but go too far, and he must abort.

A king was settling a dispute with three of his nobles...

...over the appropriate response for a neighboring country expanding it's borders into the kingdom's territory. Unfortunately, none of the nobles were able to focus on the same subject.
One noble was discussing interrupting trade while another was shouting to the king to send military traini...

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One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.

The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand.

"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market.

Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all th...

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Once upon a time, this guy named Fred decided that he was rough and tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West.

(This was in the days when the Wild West meant Texas and Arizona, with indians, outlaws,
tornados and droughts-not the current situation, where the Wild West means California and you have to brave hottubs, mellowspeak, fires and
earthquakes. That is, it was a simpler time.)

So, Fred fou...

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[NSFW] Jeffery Epstein visited the US Virgin Islands with 12 of his closest friends...

They then left quickly when they learned the territory is over 100 years old.

All of the flags on the moon have been bleached white by the radiation from the sun..

.. making it officially French territory.

There are 500 bricks being transported by plane...

One brick falls out. How many are left?
499

What are the 3 steps to putting an elephant in the fridge?
Open the door, insert the elephant, close the door.

What are the 4 steps to putting a giraffe in the fridge?
Open the door, remove the elephant, insert the giraffe, close the...

The year is 1850 in a river in California...

Hundreds of miners arrive in the river and all the territory in the river is claimed within 5 minutes as they look for treasure. Most of the miners grab a space in the river, but some got there a little too late, and didn't get any space, so they left... except one. For a few days, one miner sat in ...

The Zoo Joke (Long)

So there's this zoo, and this zoo isn't very affluent, but, if someone visits the zoo, it is definitely to see their gorilla.

One morning, the workers come in early to open the zoo like normal and find, to their great sadness, that their famous gorilla has died of old age. The zoo staff are ...

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Veteran Survives Torture

After many years in captivity in enemy territory, Lt. Victor Danforth returns to home to much fanfare. After his return he is interviewed by journalists on national tv.


"Lt. Victor. You were endlessly tortured by the enemy, but you held out. How did you do it?"

"I'm sure there wa...

The bravest men and women in the world are military commandos.

Think about it: all that running, getting shot at, dangerous missions deep into enemy territory... and all while not wearing any underpants!

Today I learned the history of the word noodles

Back in ancient Asian territory, they created a food product. They chose to trade it with the Western world. When asked what they called this food, they realised they didn't have a name for it yet. It was a great food that always ended with empty bowls, so they decided to take the English words 'nau...

A blond is done with all the blond jokes.

A blond is done with all the blond jokes. So she makes a plan....

She sells her house, dyes her hair and packs her stuff in her small car. She heads in a random direction to find a place to start her new life as a brunette. After some time driving she finds herself in a hilly landscape. She i...

Irish Wargames

In light of the present threat created by North Korea, the Irish army decided to conduct the largest military exercise ever in it's history. The entirety of its armed forces were split between the north and south of the island. This is the story of the North Irish 5th infantry battalion.
Each sol...

How Canada got it's name, eh

Three men were hiking in the wilds north of America, in the country that is now known as Canada.

They gradually realize that they are exploring undiscovered territory.

Man 1 looks at his buddies, clearly excited.

“I think we discovered a new land, eh!” He says enthusiastically.<...

Three people in the Amazon forest get caught by a tribe...

They were being held by the tribesmen outside the village. The head tribesman who speaks English tells them, "You have trespassed into our territory. As we are a considerate folk, you have the option to choose either Jhingalala for a minute or Death. You can give me your choice when you are summoned...

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Pierre the famous French fighter pilot

Pierre the famous French fighter was flying over occupied territory when he was shot down, a farmers daughter rescued him and took him to a secluded barn to nurse him back to health. When he was fully recovered Pierre told the the farmers daughter he would take her for a picnic as a reward, the picn...

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Women are alot like continents.

At various times in her life, a woman is like the continents of the world. From 13 to 18, she's like Africa- virgin territory. From 18 to 30, she's like Asia- hot and exotic. From 30 to 45, she's like America- fully explored and free with her resources. From 45 to 55, she's like Europe- exhausted, b...

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President Trump has declared Palestine "not a Shithole Nation".

"It's a Shithole Territory"

Starcraft joke.

It's been 15 years since North Korea broke the Korean Armistice Agreement (cease fire agreement), and both North and South Korea are desperate to end the war since they are running low on resources. One South Korean general decided that he needs every help he can find to win the war so he brings Jae...

A social worker from a big city.....

.....recently transferred to the sticks in south Georgia and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life.

Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.

'Anybody home?' she asked.

'Yep,' came a kid's voice thr...

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Little Jonny and Uncle Ted

A classroom of elementary school students were discussing morals to stories one day. The teacher completed the lesson and with a few minutes left in the class asked, "does anyone have any stories with morals that they would like the share?" Kids hands shot up and the teacher pointed to Suzzy.
...

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WW2 pilot recalls a morning patrol in front of son's school class

A grade school teacher, who was doing a unit on World War II heard that the father of one of her students had been a fighter pilot during the war with one of the Scandinavian Air Forces. She invited him to come in and speak to the class. The guy was more than happy to talk, and began with a story ...

A 1st Sergeant, Lieutenant, and Private are on a plane.

The three are traveling into enemy territory when suddenly, their plane is struck by a missile. They lose power in both engines, and it's obvious the plane is going to crash.

Quickly looking around, the 1st Sergeant finds two parachutes. At this time, the soldiers need to figure out whose get...

Trump calls Putin on the phone

Trump says, "You need to stop annexing territory in Ukraine"

Putin responds, "Crimea river"

An anthropologist visits a tribe that eats only meat...

An anthropologist visits an exclusively carnivorous tribe in previously uncharted deep-jungle territory and word gets around about this strange woman who eats plants.

M'buk says to T'gru, "Have you heard about this woman who eats *plants?*"

T'gru gets this puzzled look and says "no, I'...

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Today's lession will be about the moral of a story...

If any student can tell me a story and then correctly tell me the moral of that story we will have recess the rest of the day. Little Beverly raises her hand...

My daddy works at a chicken farm. Each Sunday we gather all the eggs, put them in a basket, and take them to market. Last Sunday...

Cows

CSIRO Officials admitted that they found about 200 dead crows on the highway between Noonamah and Palmerston, in Northern Territory, where there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

The Territory Government approved and the CSIRO contracted a bird pathologist to examine the rem...

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LPT: Make sure you properly understand job ads.

* Entry level position = We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.
* Experience required = We do not know the first thing about any of this.
* Compensation commensurate with experience = You're still not experienced enough so take this low pay.
* Generous benefits = We will give you ...

Southern Justice

While traveling in unfamiliar territory, a lawyer ran a stop sign and got pulled over by a small town sheriff.

The lawyer thinks for a minute and decides that he can talk his way out of a ticket. After all, he assumes that he must be much better educated than the southern sheriff.

Th...

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There once was a little fella in school named Dirty Johnny...

One day in class, the teacher says "Now, this is what you're gonna do here, class, I want you to stand up and tell a story from your life, and then afterwards, reveal the moral to that story".

So a girl raises her hand. "Yes, Becky! What's your story?".
So Becky stands up and she says "My ...

Jimbo and Jon, two cowboys see a wanted poster for Indian scalps...

The poster says there will be a fifty dollar reward for each scalp brought back. So Jimbo and Jon decide to try and make some money.

They get supplies together and head straight into Apache territory hoping to find a couple unsuspecting Indians. The first day they manage to sneak up on one an...

Baseball & Football -George Carlin

Baseball is different from any other sport, very different. For instance, in most sports you score points or goals; in baseball you score runs. In most sports the ball, or object, is put in play by the offensive team; in baseball the defensive team puts the ball in play, and only the defense is allo...

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Pittsburgh

There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh.

Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass, well endowed, gorgeous, amazing woman.

The priests were all embarrassed and in new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get ...

There's a little known country in central Europe that is ruled by a monarchy... (x-post /r/dadjokes)

Not many people are aware of its existence but I assure that it is there all the same. The king of this little land faces a lot of difficulty. He wants to make his kingdom into a sovereign nation but unfortunately they do not have the infrastructure, population, or economy to do so. In fact, this sm...

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Little kids turn to speak about what he learned from a relative's experience?

The little kid says, "My grandfather was flying over enemy territory during WW2 when he was hit and he had to eject from the plane. On the way down he pounds a 1/5 of whiskey. Once he landed he killed the first 20 guys he saw with his rifle. He proceeded to kill another 12 with his pistol, 5 more of...

It just all depends on how you look at some things...

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Congressman Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid ...

If someone...

If someone is having second thoughts about booking a trip in native American territory, you could say they are having a reservation reservation reservation.

...

Good thing self posts don't grant negative karma >.>

Landmine

A recently recruited soldier approaches his training officer and asks him:
-Sir, I have a question. What do I do if I step on a landmine?
-Well, son, the standard procedure in this case would be to rise about 20 feet into the air and then spread around a large territory.

3 men are captured by savages...

3 men are traveling across the ocean on a cruise when their boat hits a large rock and sinks. Everyone on the boat dies except these 3 men who miraculously manage to swim a mile to a nearby forested island. The lucky survivors soon pass out on the beach from exhaustion. When they wake up, to their h...

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