A farmer is being interviewed on TV about his prize-winning cows.

The interviewer asks, "So tell us, what are you feeding these cows?"

"The black ones or the white ones?" the farmer replies.

"Uh... the black ones."

"Oh," says the farmer, "I feed them grass."

"Ok then, what about the white ones?"

"I feed them grass, too" the farme...

r/Jokes founder nominated for the Nobel peace prize

Because they’ve created world’s most dedicated recycling community.

The person who invented knock knock jokes

Should get a nobell prize

What prize does someone get if they haven’t moved a muscle in over a year?

A trophy.

A Nobel prize winner goes around the country giving a speech at every city.

He always practices in his car while traveling from one city to the next. After multiple days of this, the chauffeur says: "I have heard this speech so many times that I could recite it word by word by now." The Nobel prize winner says that he can do the next presentation as he is so sure. The chauf...

Why wasn't 6 excited that 7 won a prize for her?

Because 711452.

Did you hear that Trump has been nominated for a Nobel Prize?

He gave Peas a chance.

A woman meets Syd the Stud in a bar.

They talk. They connect. They end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft,sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hu...

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were standing looking at a prize cow in a field.

The Englishman says “Look at that fine English cow.” The Irishman disagreed, saying “No, it’s an Irish cow.”
The Scotsman thought for a moment and then clinched the argument. “No, it’s a Scottish cow – it’s got bagpipes underneath”.

I entered a contest where the grand prize was a shopping center, but I lost

Can't win the mall

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a farmer wakes up one morning and looks out the window and sees his prize rooster laying in the middle of the barnyard stiff as a board with buzzards circling overhead.

With his only rooster dead, he decides to go to the market to buy a new rooster. At the market he sees a stall with a very nice looking rooster and he asks the seller how much he wants for the rooster and the seller tells him $1000. The farmer is absolutely shocked at this price, but the seller tell...

What do you call two Scottish potatos who have just recived a rock as a prize?

Kilt tubers with won stone.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There's a penis beauty competition taking place in New York. The total prize pool is $10,000.

Wiener takes all.

Congratulations to Tu Youyou on winning the Nobel Prize in Medicine

and for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to.

A Nobel Prize winning mathematician is traveling from university to university on a speaking tour by limousine.

A Nobel Prize winning mathematician is traveling from university to university on a speaking tour by limousine. After several engagements the mathematician and his driver are having dinner and the driver says "I've heard your speech so many times I think I could give it word-for-word." The mathemati...

What prize did the man win for his pants falling down?

The no belt peace prize.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A radio station was running a competition – words that weren’t in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali...

DJ: “96 FM here, what’s your name?”

Caller: “Hi, my name’s Dave.”

DJ: “Dave, what’s your word?”

Caller: “Goan... spelt G-O-A-N.”

DJ: “You are correct, Dave, ‘goan’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make se...

1st Prize at the Flower Show

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a Flower Show was in progress. One leaned over and said to the other, "Life is so darned boring, we never have any fun anymore. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid Flower Show!"

...

A friend told me that she won second prize in table-setting

I asked her, “you placed silver where?”

My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens o...

What's the only prize that Gaston won in Beauty and the Beast?

The No Belle prize.

Irish Humor

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife !"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night ! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did...

Why do scarecrows win so many Nobel prizes?

Because they’re always out standing in their field.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A zookeeper notices his prize gorilla was getting aggressive..

She wouldn't eat. She wouldn't sleep. And she constantly kept trying to attack the zookeeper. So, he did some research and found out female gorillas can become depressed and aggressive when deprived from sex.

The zookeeper then looked around for another male gorilla for her to engage in inte...

My brother won a prize for staying in a hospital bed for a really long time.

He got a trophy.

A Grand Prize

I phoned my local radio station today.

When the guy answered the phone he said, "Congratulations on being our 1st caller, all you have to do is answer the next question correctly to win our grand prize."

"Wahoo!" I shouted in delight.

"It's a Maths question," he said. "Feeling...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A physicist recently won a Nobel Prize...

Over the course of the next few weeks he is welcomed to many ceremonies and events as a guest speaker.

On the way to the next event at Caltech University, he rehearses his speech again. During a pause, his driver says "You know I've heard your speech so many times I pretty much can recite it...

If you were to choose between winning the big lottery prize and your wife

what car would you buy?

Nobel Prize

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of nothing but grass.

He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing absolutely nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of ...

Why Marie Curie won two Nobel Prizes?

Because she was very rad.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy came up to me in the street today...

...and asked me if I wanted to enter a raffle for cancer?

I thought, "what a shit prize..."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man invites a friend to watch his prize duck hunting dog at work...

They approach the first pond, the dog runs ahead into the brush. He comes back and waves his tail once. The owner tells his friend that this means there is one duck on the pond. They walk up, and sure enough, one duck flies off.

At the second pond, the dog waves his tail three times. The owne...

What was the prize for the body builder who went the longest time without working out?

aTrophy

The creator of the very first knock knock joke..

Must have won a no-bell prize

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A rich man threw a mansion party

It was of extravagant proportions. Hundreds of guests filled his enormous abode to mingle and drink with glee. During the festivities the rich man gathered everyone to the backyard.

“Come! I have something to show you all! As well as a challenge!”

His curious (also drunk) flock followe...

What prize did Gregor Mendel win for his research?

The Nobel Peas prize xD

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy walks into a bar, sign says Win Grand Prize $10,000, ask the bartender

So the guy asks. The bartender says, you have to do three things: first you have to whip the bar back's ass he's 6'3 and 250 pounds. Next you have to go down in the basement and pull a sore tooth out of my Rottweilers mouth. Lastly, you have to go upstairs and fuck my grandmother and she's 97 years ...

Why did the farmer win the Nobel Prize?

There was a clerical error. The award was intended to go to Malala Yousafzai for her advocacy work for education for young girls.

Did you hear about the hunter who traded a prize deer for a high class prostitute?

He got the best bang for his buck

A Student in Israel

David, an American student went to Israel for a semester to study abroad at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem. As part of his program he was placed with a host family for housing. An elderly gentleman named Joshua Levin welcomed him into the large home with many rooms.

As Joshua gave a tour ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. Bu...

Butch the Rooster

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilise the eggs.

​

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

​

This took a lot of time, so she boug...

If you eat the prize from a cereal box..

does that make you a specially marked box?


source: soos says some words

I went to a space museum, because they where having a prize drawing for a car.

I didn't win the car but they gave me a constellation prize.

The two best racehorses in the country.

There were these two racehorses, Galem and Gollum. They were raised together and had been racing side by side their entire lives. Everyone loved to watch them. They were always faster than the other horses; as a matter of fact, they were the best racehorses in the country.

​
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear Victoria entered a boxing tournament where the grand prize was a sex change?

I heard she came out the Victor

Why did Alexander Graham Bell never receive a nobel prize?

Because it's a "no bell" prize.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

First prize in the synagogue lottery

Rabbi announces 3rd prize in the synagogue lottery goes to Mr. Schwartz - an all-expense paid trip to Hawaii. Applause all around for Mr. Schwartz.

Rabbi announces 2nd prize goes to Mr. Litvak - a chocolate cake.

Well, Litvak goes nuts - says WTF - for 3rd prize Schwartz goes to H...

What did the inert gases do when they discovered they were mono-atomic?

They won a noble prize

Nobel Prize winners are a lot like farmers

Oftentimes they are outstanding in their field.

Did you hear about the prize for the Amish children's cooking competition?

Whichever kiddo makes the best egg dish gets to keep the Amlet omelet amulet

The Door Prize

Olie went to the neighborhood dance, and he won the big door prize. It was a toilet brush. So he took it home.

A few days later some friends of Olie asked him "Hey Olie how is that toilet brush working out for ya."

Olie said "Oh it works real good but I prefer toilet paper."

What did Orion receive when he won second place in the archery contest?

The constellation prize.

Almost a Knock-Knock joke

In 1967, Joe Wallace, the inventor of the Knock-Knock joke, was awarded a ...No Bell prize.

NSFW - Long - A man takes a trip to a bar in Florida

While drinking, the Bartender tells the man that they have a local challenge, which no one has ever actually successfully completed. However, the prize is free liquor from that bar for the rest of the man's life. The man, never one to back down, decides to bite, and asks the Bartender about the chal...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man wins an online contest but enters the wrong email address to access the code.

He realizes that his account is on yahoo instead of gmail and now someone else has received the code to access the $5000 prize. He drives to his office disheartened and asks his secretary if he should just send an email to the account requesting the person to forward the code. Then his frustration i...