John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in chu...

What do you call it when a cat wins a prize at a dog competition

A cat-has-trophy

Teddy Bears

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect. They end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.



There are three shelves in the be...

ENTER NOW TO WIN! Second Prize Winner gets 2 week Los Angeles vacation!

First Prize Winner gets 1 week vacation in Los Angeles.

I was at a party and there was a big bowl of mixed alcohol and fruit juice, with a long line of brain surgeons, rocket scientists, and Nobel prize winners all queuing up to drink it...

...I thought what a great punch line.

Why did the farmer win a Nobel prize?

He put no bells on his cow.

What prize should the inventor of the knock knock jokes get?

The Nobell prize

What’s the difference between a Pulitzer Prize winning author and a carpenter from Salt Lake City?

One is Norman Mailer and the other is a Mormon Nailer.

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The terrible 2nd place prize

A girl enters a game show that allows her to win a trip to space and visit the cosmos at the furthest regions of our solar system. The girl must compete in games related to space and physics to determine if she’s got what it takes to go.

After hours of grueling physical and emotional trauma t...

A farmer is being interviewed on TV about his prize-winning cows.

The interviewer asks, "So tell us, what are you feeding these cows?"

"The black ones or the white ones?" the farmer replies.

"Uh... the black ones."

"Oh," says the farmer, "I feed them grass."

"Ok then, what about the white ones?"

"I feed them grass, too" the farme...

Regardless of all her great work, why has Cher never been considered for the Nobel Peace prize?

No one wants another Cher-Nobel.

r/Jokes founder nominated for the Nobel peace prize

Because they’ve created world’s most dedicated recycling community.

What prize does someone get if they haven’t moved a muscle in over a year?

A trophy.

I once lost a raffle where the prize was the entire mall of Georgia.

I guess you can't win a mall.

A scarecrow won the Nobel prize

He was outstanding in his field

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were standing looking at a prize cow in a field.

The Englishman says “Look at that fine English cow.” The Irishman disagreed, saying “No, it’s an Irish cow.”
The Scotsman thought for a moment and then clinched the argument. “No, it’s a Scottish cow – it’s got bagpipes underneath”.

Why wasn't 6 excited that 7 won a prize for her?

Because 711452.

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So a farmer wakes up one morning and looks out the window and sees his prize rooster laying in the middle of the barnyard stiff as a board with buzzards circling overhead.

With his only rooster dead, he decides to go to the market to buy a new rooster. At the market he sees a stall with a very nice looking rooster and he asks the seller how much he wants for the rooster and the seller tells him $1000. The farmer is absolutely shocked at this price, but the seller tell...

A Nobel Prize winning mathematician is traveling from university to university on a speaking tour by limousine.

A Nobel Prize winning mathematician is traveling from university to university on a speaking tour by limousine. After several engagements the mathematician and his driver are having dinner and the driver says "I've heard your speech so many times I think I could give it word-for-word." The mathemati...

A Nobel prize winner goes around the country giving a speech at every city.

He always practices in his car while traveling from one city to the next. After multiple days of this, the chauffeur says: "I have heard this speech so many times that I could recite it word by word by now." The Nobel prize winner says that he can do the next presentation as he is so sure. The chauf...

Did you hear that Trump has been nominated for a Nobel Prize?

He gave Peas a chance.

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There's a penis beauty competition taking place in New York. The total prize pool is $10,000.

Wiener takes all.

What do you call two Scottish potatos who have just recived a rock as a prize?

Kilt tubers with won stone.

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A radio station was running a competition – words that weren’t in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali...

DJ: “96 FM here, what’s your name?”

Caller: “Hi, my name’s Dave.”

DJ: “Dave, what’s your word?”

Caller: “Goan... spelt G-O-A-N.”

DJ: “You are correct, Dave, ‘goan’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make se...

Congratulations to Tu Youyou on winning the Nobel Prize in Medicine

and for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to.

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A king who was a fan of archery held a grand archery contest for the citizens of his kingdom, with a prize of 1000 gold pieces

After a month of competition, the victor emerged, an archer so well trained that he could hit a fly from 50 m away.

A king approached the winner and said: "You are indeed the greatest archer I have witnessed in my life and that is truly admirable. It was decided that the prize for this conte...

What prize did the man win for his pants falling down?

The no belt peace prize.

1st Prize at the Flower Show

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a Flower Show was in progress. One leaned over and said to the other, "Life is so darned boring, we never have any fun anymore. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid Flower Show!"

...

A friend told me that she won second prize in table-setting

I asked her, “you placed silver where?”

What's the only prize that Gaston won in Beauty and the Beast?

The No Belle prize.

A Grand Prize

I phoned my local radio station today.

When the guy answered the phone he said, "Congratulations on being our 1st caller, all you have to do is answer the next question correctly to win our grand prize."

"Wahoo!" I shouted in delight.

"It's a Maths question," he said. "Feeling...

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A zookeeper notices his prize gorilla was getting aggressive..

She wouldn't eat. She wouldn't sleep. And she constantly kept trying to attack the zookeeper. So, he did some research and found out female gorillas can become depressed and aggressive when deprived from sex.

The zookeeper then looked around for another male gorilla for her to engage in inte...

A man meets a beautiful woman in a bar.

They talk, they really hit it off, they end up leaving together.


They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment. He notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on...

My brother won a prize for staying in a hospital bed for a really long time.

He got a trophy.

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A physicist recently won a Nobel Prize...

Over the course of the next few weeks he is welcomed to many ceremonies and events as a guest speaker.

On the way to the next event at Caltech University, he rehearses his speech again. During a pause, his driver says "You know I've heard your speech so many times I pretty much can recite it...

If you were to choose between winning the big lottery prize and your wife

what car would you buy?

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A guy came up to me in the street today...

...and asked me if I wanted to enter a raffle for cancer?

I thought, "what a shit prize..."

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When I was 12, I lived with my abusive uncle and auntie

We lived on an old farm, no animals just fields.

My uncle goes off to a market and comes back with this filthy ass horse.

Says it's bred from some old bloke's prize stallion.

Auntie loves it for some reason, coz it's all muddy she calls it "Dirty". She was a bit weird l...

Nobel Prize

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of nothing but grass.

He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing absolutely nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of ...

My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens o...

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A Father takes his son Timmy to a baseball game

While watching the game the father orders a beer and gets his son a soda.

Timmy asks "Dad can I have a beer?"

Dad replies "Can your dick reach your asshole?"

Timmy replies "no it cannot"

Dad says "then you can't have a beer"

After the game they go to dinner. Dad o...

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Guy walks into a bar, sign says Win Grand Prize $10,000, ask the bartender

So the guy asks. The bartender says, you have to do three things: first you have to whip the bar back's ass he's 6'3 and 250 pounds. Next you have to go down in the basement and pull a sore tooth out of my Rottweilers mouth. Lastly, you have to go upstairs and fuck my grandmother and she's 97 years ...

Why Marie Curie won two Nobel Prizes?

Because she was very rad.

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A man invites a friend to watch his prize duck hunting dog at work...

They approach the first pond, the dog runs ahead into the brush. He comes back and waves his tail once. The owner tells his friend that this means there is one duck on the pond. They walk up, and sure enough, one duck flies off.

At the second pond, the dog waves his tail three times. The owne...

What was the prize for the body builder who went the longest time without working out?

aTrophy

Help finish a punchline...

Hey guys, I'm writing my first ever piece of comedic material (very amateur level) and I'm trying to finish a joke. I'm looking to see if anyone can help. The situation is that I have to share a prize with someone who I feel is beneath me so the line would resemble something like this...

"I'm...

What prize did Gregor Mendel win for his research?

The Nobel Peas prize xD

Why did the farmer win the Nobel Prize?

There was a clerical error. The award was intended to go to Malala Yousafzai for her advocacy work for education for young girls.

If you eat the prize from a cereal box..

does that make you a specially marked box?


source: soos says some words

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Did you hear about the hunter who traded a prize deer for a high class prostitute?

He got the best bang for his buck

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A Vegan King is fed up of all the greens he has eaten so far

So he decrees that anyone who can introduce a new fruit or vegetable to him will be given 1,000 gold coins. However, if they bring up a fruit or vegetable that the king is familiar with, the same produce will be shoved up their butthole.

Excited for the prize, the common folk form a line outs...

I went to a space museum, because they where having a prize drawing for a car.

I didn't win the car but they gave me a constellation prize.

Not saying my local pub is rough..

but the first prize at the pub quiz was two weeks alibi.

The circus arrives in town with a novel act - make the bull elephant kneel down and win $1000.

After watching various people trying everything Jimmy steps up to the elephant and gives it a mighty kick in the balls. The elephant collapses and its owner, cursing Jimmy's foul methods, hands over the cash.

The circus moves on to the next town and Jimmy, recognising a good opportunity, foll...

What did Orion receive after losing an archery competition?

A constellation prize.

The creator of the 'knock knock' joke was awarded a prize today

Unfortunately he wasn't in to receive it

Why did Alexander Graham Bell never receive a nobel prize?

Because it's a "no bell" prize.

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