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Prize Jokes

Did you hear about the scarecrow who won the Nobel prize

He was outstanding in his field

At a girls' boarding school, a WW2 flying ace has been invited to give the Prize Day address

"I was flying along in my Spitfire, and visibility was poor, but all of a sudden the fog lifted, and I saw these fokkers coming up behind me. I dived on them and shot two of the fokkers down, then did a quick roll, but there was a little fokker right on my tail, and I had to ..."

At this poi...

What's the difference between Greta Thunberg and Andrew Tate

Greta was nominated for the Nobel Prize, and awarded Tate the No-balls prize.

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Nobel Prize winner is dying (long)

A Nobel Prize winning professor is on his deathbed, losing and regaining consciousness every few minutes. Apart from his immediate family, all his graduate students are around as well.

The professor regains consciousness and looks at the bookshelf near him… He goes: “What are these books?”...

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Eyes on the prize

It was a slow night at the Casino, just a few regulars playing the slots…

Two bored dealers were standing at the "mini-craps" table when out of nowhere, an incredibly attractive blonde woman from South Alabama placed a $5,000 bet on a single roll of the dice.
With a deep southern drawl, ...

A thief broke into my house and stole my prized thesaurus.

I am at a loss for words.

Turtle Prize

A hard drinker walks into local bar and sees three darts laying across the bartop. "Hey, bartender!" The drunk slurs. "Whas with th- these darts?" "Oh", the bartender says. "It's a new promotion we're running. Whoever gets three bullseye's in a row wins a prize."

The drunk stands up, swaying...

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John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in chu...

What prize does someone get if they haven’t moved a muscle in over a year?

A trophy.

The guy who invented the knock-knock jokes won a Nobel Prize

No-bell...

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A farmer is being interviewed on TV about his prize-winning cows.

The interviewer asks, "So tell us, what are you feeding these cows?"

"The black ones or the white ones?" the farmer replies.

"Uh... the black ones."

"Oh," says the farmer, "I feed them grass."

"Ok then, what about the white ones?"

"I feed them grass, too" the farme...

Whoever invented the knock knock jokes

Should get a Nobell prize.

A man wins a neighborhood door prize.

it's a toilet brush, and a week later, some of the guys invited him him to their weekly poker game. While there, one of them asks, "Hey Ollie, how's that toilet brush, the one you won from us neighbors?" Ollie responds, "Well, it works real good, but I prefer toilet paper."

What is first prize in a competition to lose muscle mass?

a trophy.

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A zookeeper notices his prize gorilla was getting aggressive..

She wouldn't eat. She wouldn't sleep. And she constantly kept trying to attack the zookeeper. So, he did some research and found out female gorillas can become depressed and aggressive when deprived from sex.

The zookeeper then looked around for another male gorilla for her to engage in inte...

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prize winning pig [long]

The Johnson brothers have had longstanding rivalry with fellow farmers the Taft brothers for a decade. The Taft brothers constantly show them up, and Billy (the oldest) decides he's finally had enough, and this year they are going to win the prize for biggest pig at the county fair. He comes up with...

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A farmer is leading his prize bull to market.

Suddenly, the bull collapses in the lane outside the vet’s house.

The farmer runs up to the house, knocks on the door and asks the vet to help.

The vet looks the bull over and says, “I know what you need.” He goes back to the house and returns with two enormous red pills. The vet say...

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said.

They ambled over to the weight guesser.
He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the ferris wheel.
When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight gue...

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

Credit Steven Wright

The first planet to win a Nobel Prize?

Marie Curie

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A priest lost his prized Rooster one day

He looked everywhere for it, but could not find it. The following Sunday, he made an announcement at mass:

"Anyone who has a cock, please stand up". All the men stood up

"No, no. Anyone who seen a cock stand up". Most of the congregation stood up

"No. Anyone who'd grabbed someon...

A Grand Prize

I phoned my local radio station today.

When the guy answered the phone he said, "Congratulations on being our 1st caller, all you have to do is answer the next question correctly to win our grand prize."

"Wahoo!" I shouted in delight.

"It's a Maths question," he said. "Feeling...

What did the winner of the muscle loss contest receive as a prize?

Atrophy

What do prize winning competitive mushroom pickers eat in the morning?

Breakfast of Champignons

My brother won a prize for staying in a hospital bed for a really long time.

He got a trophy.

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A physicist recently won a Nobel Prize...

Over the course of the next few weeks he is welcomed to many ceremonies and events as a guest speaker.

On the way to the next event at Caltech University, he rehearses his speech again. During a pause, his driver says "You know I've heard your speech so many times I pretty much can recite it...

My kitten won top prize in a cute competition.

Unfortunately, they messed up the award... Instead of making it in the shape of a kitty's face they made it into a kitty's behind!!

It's a real cat-ass-trophy!

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There was this farmer, Farmer John, who had a prize-winning bull.

Unfortunately, at the beginning of the breeding season, the bull had no interest in mating. Couldn't get it up at all.

Farmer John called Bill the veterinarian to come out and look at the bull. Bill checked the bull all over and said, "Well, there is nothing physically wrong with the bull. T...

I'm aware of the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor.

But an award specific to pun-craft rings nobel.

Farmer Giles is worried about the performance of his prize bull

Farmer Giles is worried about the performance of his prize bull; he doesn't seem to be interested in the cows. So he goes to the vet who prescribes a course of pills for the bull.

A few weeks later, a friend comes by and asks Farmer Giles how the bull is getting on.

"Just great!" says ...

Donald Trump has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize

For real

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The prize fighter and the Texan

A prizefighter was driving across West Texas with his wife. He said, "Honey, I've been thinking. I've always heard how tough Texans are. Here I am with a 20-0 record in the ring. I feel like I'm tough but I've never fought a Texan. It's got me to wondering."

The wife said, "Oh Honey, that doe...

A farmer had a prized bull. Bred 300 times a year.

The farmer's wife said "300 times, isn't that wonderful dear? Maybe you should watch him. Maybe he'll show you how." Farmer said "Yeah... he's a hell of a bull, but it wasn't all with the same cow."

My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens o...

I had a joke on nobel prize,

But mathematicians won't get it...

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A dog breeders prize sire is nearing retirement age

The old hound had been prodigious, siring litter after litter, but the breeder felt that the time had come to introduce more variety in his dogs. His problem was that the old hound would chase off all the new sires, and he didn’t have it in him to give his first dog the snip after years of service, ...

r/Jokes founder nominated for the Nobel peace prize

Because they’ve created world’s most dedicated recycling community.

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A man is walking his prized pitbull down the street.

He comes across another man, walking a chihuahua in his direction. He tells the man:

“Hey sir, you should probably cross the street. My pitbull was trained to fight and will rip your tiny dog to shreds!”

To which the man with the chihuahua replies:

“Oh no, sir, it is you who sh...

If you play a prize fight backwards

Is that an unboxing video?

Which city has a lottery with a prize of free gigolo services?

Chicago. It's known as the Win D City

What's the only prize that Gaston won in Beauty and the Beast?

The No Belle prize.

When you don’t qualify for a Nobel Peace Prize...

... Go for the Darwin Award!

A man walks into a bar and notices a jar filled with $10 bills. He asks the bartender what it's for, and the bartender explains,

"We have a challenge here. If you can complete three tasks, you get all the money in the jar."
Intrigued, the man asks what the tasks are.
The bartender says, "First, you have to drink an entire gallon of hot sauce without crying. Second, there's a pit bull out back with a bad tooth, and you h...

Why did the scarecrow get a nobel prize?

Because he was out-standing in his field.

Apologies if this has been posted, it’s new to me.

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The terrible 2nd place prize

A girl enters a game show that allows her to win a trip to space and visit the cosmos at the furthest regions of our solar system. The girl must compete in games related to space and physics to determine if she’s got what it takes to go.

After hours of grueling physical and emotional trauma t...

Nobel Prize Joke

A Nobel Prize winning mathematician is traveling from university to university on a speaking tour by limousine. After several engagements the mathematician and his driver are having dinner and the driver says "I've heard your speech so many times I think I could give it word-for-word." The mathemati...

Can conspiracy theorists win a Nobel Prize?

They already have a Theory of Everything.

What was my prize for coming first in the National "Thinnest Arms" competition.

Atrophy.

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Nobel Prize

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of nothing but grass.

He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing absolutely nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of ...

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A reporter walks into a bar

A reporter walks into a bar in a small Louisiana town. He's been sent by his editor in the big city to get a human interest story, and so he walks up to some burly guy in overalls and offers him a drink in return for the story of the best day of his life.

"Best day? Well, that must've been th...

What do you call it when a cat wins a prize at a dog competition

A cat-has-trophy

What trophy do octopuses win as the grand prize in the cephalopod racing tournament?

The Suction Cup

An American man wins a $1 billion sweepstakes

He goes to collect the prize and there's a whole tv crew waiting to interview him for the local news. The reporter says "this is the largest prize won in history! Any idea what you'll do with the money?" The man thinks for a second and says "Well, I'll probably see a doctor to get this sore throat l...

Why did the farmer win a Nobel prize?

He put no bells on his cow.

A radio station said to call their hotline to win a prize

All I got was a burnt hand

When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle's prized Amazon parrot...

This parrot was fully grown -- with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the very least, extremely rude.

Bill tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft musi...

my most prized possession is this epipen

my friend gave it to me as he was dying.


it seemed real important to him that I had it....

I won the prize for "Largest litter of rabbits!"

But only by a hare.

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to anothe...

A blonde and brunette were in a local Walmart

A blonde and brunette were in a local Walmart when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.
The brunette won 1st place, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and ...

Three scientists were awarded the Nobel Prize for their work on black holes. The Trump Administration immediately objected

and said that research would should be directed towards white holes as well.

The Door Prize

Olie went to the neighborhood dance, and he won the big door prize. It was a toilet brush. So he took it home.

A few days later some friends of Olie asked him "Hey Olie how is that toilet brush working out for ya."

Olie said "Oh it works real good but I prefer toilet paper."

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1st Prize at the Flower Show

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a Flower Show was in progress. One leaned over and said to the other, "Life is so darned boring, we never have any fun anymore. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid Flower Show!"

...

Many people hoped to win a Nobel prize this year

But just one of them was Goodenough.

How does Santa choose which female reindeer to breed with his prized stud?

By choosing the one that’s the best bang for the buck.

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There's a little-known legend about Attila the Hun...

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.


But his snake lost its a...

Australian Grandmaster wins big chess tournament, "so would you like the prize money as cash or..?" "check, mate"

Hey so I won a college chess tournament and are about to go into an Instagram live video with a talkative person(the host,lady) and the college chess coach "Dan" (friend of mine,older) . So what are some jokes I can do?

I'm thinking of..

Host:"so you've played a lot of chess huh?"
...

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

I used to illegally give weed to my prize winning cows, but I had to stop

The steaks were too high

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A Scotsman,

A Scotsman, on the way home from a heavy drinking session
with his mates, collapses onto a park bench and falls into a
very deep stupor. Some time later 2 girls walk past and on
seeing him debate whether he has anything under his kilt.
They decide to look and discover he’s stark naked....

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter...

Dear Ma & Pa,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6 am. But...

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Guy walks into a bar, sign says Win Grand Prize $10,000, ask the bartender

So the guy asks. The bartender says, you have to do three things: first you have to whip the bar back's ass he's 6'3 and 250 pounds. Next you have to go down in the basement and pull a sore tooth out of my Rottweilers mouth. Lastly, you have to go upstairs and fuck my grandmother and she's 97 years ...

ENTER NOW TO WIN! Second Prize Winner gets 2 week Los Angeles vacation!

First Prize Winner gets 1 week vacation in Los Angeles.

I entered a contest where the grand prize was a shopping center, but I lost

Can't win the mall

I entered a raffle to win a galaxy, but I only won a small group of stars.

It was the constellation prize.

What did farmer say when his wife didn't allow him to buy a prized cow?

That it was a big missed-steak

At the sporting competition yesterday, the grand prize was made out of Tungsten.

I don't know about you, but that's a pretty big W for me

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When my kitten won the “Best Butt” prize at the pet show, it wasn’t just bad ...

it was a cat ass trophy.

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First prize in the synagogue lottery

Rabbi announces 3rd prize in the synagogue lottery goes to Mr. Schwartz - an all-expense paid trip to Hawaii. Applause all around for Mr. Schwartz.

Rabbi announces 2nd prize goes to Mr. Litvak - a chocolate cake.

Well, Litvak goes nuts - says WTF - for 3rd prize Schwartz goes to H...

A college fellow is trying to find a date to take to the county fair - and maybe a little more afterwards.

After some fruitless searching, a buddy of his says "I know this cute girl, Ruby, that you ought to meet!" So he arranges for them to meet and go to the county fair together.

Well, they get there, he shows Ruby around and asks her "What do you want to do?"

"I wanna get weighed!" says ...

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Delivering The Best Toast

A contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast.

Murphy won the contest for the best toast of the night, which was: "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent between the legs o' me wife."

When he got home, his wife asked him how the Toastmasters meeting went. "I won the co...

A stranger find two French men throwing coins in a park.

When the stranger asks why the French men are doing that, one of them replies,

"We are trying to see who can throw these coins the highest! Whoever wins owes the other a hot dog!"

But suddenly the other French man interjects,

"Wait! I thought we were going off distance, not heig...

A woman decides to go home with a guy she met at a club one night

He's tall, tanned, strikingly handsome, and seems different than most other guys she meets.

Upon arrival at his place they head straight to the bedroom where she can't help but notice a shelf full of teddy bears.

On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle shelf are medium-siz...

A mortician was working late one night...

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!

“I’m sorry M...

Why did the farmer win the Nobel Prize?

There was a clerical error. The award was intended to go to Malala Yousafzai for her advocacy work for education for young girls.

What prize did the man win for his pants falling down?

The no belt peace prize.

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