Which celebrity gets the most speeding tickets?

Kim Kar-dash-ian

Did you hear about the celebrity gunman?

He was a real shooting star

I ran into a celebrity while walking down Hollywood Boulevard. He had a mullet, tons of jewelry, and was yelling, “I piy the fool!”

I said, “Hey, you missed a t.”

At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.

Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything.

"When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim."

Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a ...

Seeing the flash in the distance, Elton John knew he only had moments to live. He turned to the nearest celebrity at the party for one last human embrace.

"Hold me closer, Tony Danza."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you could have sex with any dead celebrity, who would it be?

I'd choose Brittany Murphy because she'd still be relatively fresh.

I think I banged a Chinese celebrity

She kept screaming "I'm Wei Tu Yung" like I was supposed to know the name.

The worst thing about celebrity deaths is the inevitable torrent of jokes referencing them from people trying to be witty when really it should be a time of mourning and respect. I won’t take any part in it.

So wake me up when it’s all over

Did you hear about that celebrity who got caught stealing a whole bunch of cheese?

True story, it was Brie Larson.

When you want a picture taken with a celebrity at a concert or event

just make sure you shave your head and wear a hospital gown, works for me every time.

The other day I decided to buy a Ouija board, so I could get in touch with deceased celebrities that havent crossed over yet,

The only celebrity I could get in touch with was Stephen Hawking.

I asked him a few questions including why he was a ghost and not gone to the after life yet.

Turns out Led Zeppelin was right all along,

there is a stairway to heaven.

A celebrity from the capital of Taiwan

would be a Type-A Personality

What do celebrity horses eat?

Matthew McConaughay

Have you tried out the new celebrity voice feature for Google Maps?

I chose Matthew McConaughey, but now I can't turn left...

What type of car does a washed up celebrity drive?

A Mercedes Has-Benz

After falling on hard times, Mike Tyson decided to set up a "get punched by a celebrity" booth at the state fair, but sadly there was little interest.

Yeah he was hoping for a punch line too.

I see the local baker was enjoying his mild celebrity status in the town paper after saving a drowning man..

He was acting really flan buoyant .

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Some celebrity’s have their own theme songs

Like Ellen with I’m coming out, or Bill Cosby with I wanna be sedated

Did you hear about the most recent celebrity drug addict?

I Don’t know how we missed it for so long, but it turns out that Humpy Dumpty was actually a crack head

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After completing a celebrity pro-am golf tournament, Jackie Chan walks into the clubhouse bar...

As he makes his way through the crowd of professional golfers and lesser celebrities, he mentions to his playing partner, Phil Mickelson, that he makes a point of playing as many pro-ams as he can throughout the year because “it gives him a chance to network with other celebrities.”

At that v...

What’s your favorite (non racist)dead celebrity joke? Here’s mine: What did Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt have in common?

Their last big hit was The Wall.

What is the celebrity couple name for Kim Jong Un and Xi Jinping?

Kimchi

Celebrity Chef Anthony Bourdain is to be cremated.

Gas mark 7 for about 40 minutes should do it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call porn star celebrity look-a-likes?

Doppelbangers.

What did Donald Trump say on the season finale of Celebrity President?

"Nuclear missiles ... you're fired!"

A philosopher, a biologist, a mathematician and a YouTube celebrity spot a cow in a field whilst on their first trip to Scotland.

Upon discerning the brown colour of the cow’, the philosopher exclaimed ‘Aha! My fellows, you see what knowledge we have garnered? I can hereby assert: cows in Scotland are brown!’

The biologist replied acerbically, ‘Not so fast, my dear friend. It is safe only to assert thus: there are cows ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s 2015. Bill Clinton is whipping up celebrity endorsements for Hillary with a Halloween party. He invites his friend, Arnold Schwarzenegger and suggests they go as dead presidents for the media. “Too cliche” says Arnie. “What about dead musicians.” “Great idea. I’ll be Coltrane. What about you?”

“I’ll be Bach.”

Who's the most generous celebrity?

Cher

When is the WORST time to meet your favorite celebrity?

When you are an eight year old in the hospital.

Just when you think the celebrity deaths are done for 2016,

Wham! there's one more.

You can now buy celebrity-voiced sat-navs for your car.

I bought the Princess Diana version. It just keeps saying "Put your foot down, I think we can lose them"

Frankie Boyle

My wife Emily and I have a celebrity exemption rule for extramarital affairs.

Evidently she thought it included the actor playing George in the local production of "Our Town."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Celebrity Computer Viruses

Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer.

Ronald Reagan virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

Mike Tyson virus: Quits after one byte.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.<...

When you're a celebrity

sleeping in front of a fan means something totally different.

Breaking Celebrity News! Academy Award winning Actor, Simmons, and children's book Author, Rowling, eloped earlier today.

JK

Yoko Ono is apparently being lined up to assist with the bush tucker trials in the I'm a Celebrity jungle.

After all she has been living off a dead beetle for the last 36 years.

Another sad news on an international celebrity...

Justin Bieber was found alive in her condo earlier today.

Unexpectedly meeting a celebrity is cool, unless....

It's Chris Hansen.

Some people say they would like to be the seat of this or that beautiful celebrity

I guess you could say they want to live vichairiously

Chris Brown has been receiving support from celebrity friends.

“We wish Chris all the best and expect to see him soon,” said O.J. Simpson.

What's a reindeer's favourite celebrity?

Beyonsleigh

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's nothing funny about leaked celebrity nudes

Which is good because it's hard to masturbate while laughing.

The Unknown Celebrity

The Pope travels to America. Upon arriving in America, a limo comes to pick him up. The Pope, having a simple background, had never driven a limo before. So he excitedly asks the driver if he can drive the limo to the hotel. The driver, flabbergasted, had never heard such a request before and decide...

Which famous celebrity has had the most children over the last 20 years?

Which famous celebrity has had the most children over the last 20 years?

Michael Jackson

Did you hear about that celebrity who committed suicide? Reese whatsername?

"Witherspoon?"

"No, with a knife!"

Only really works if you actually tell it to someone (and can maintain a good pokerface)

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