Two submarines are trying to win a competition

Each one of them has to try and hit objects that are smaller and smaller in size.

Every day they choose an object in the ocean, and declare that the objective before trying to hit it:

*"Today we'll hit that sunken ship"* and off they go.

Then it's the other team's turn: ...

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I entered a blindfolded masturbation competition....

I still don't know where I came

Igor Frankenstein entered a body building competition.

When he arrived, he realized he misunderstood the objective.

What was my prize for coming first in the National "Thinnest Arms" competition.

Atrophy.

I recently entered a competition to see who had gained the most weight and lost the most hair.

Obviously, it wasn’t called that. It was advertised as a ‘School Reunion.’

Why don't funeral homes hold surprise competitions?

They're always a dead giveaway.

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If there was a competition for saggy tits, my wife would beat everyone.

In fact, she'd wipe the floor with them.

I saw an ad for an innuendo competition in the paper

So I entered my sister

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A self-made millionaire decided that he was lonely and needed to find a mate. So, he organized a bit of a competition for it.

As his search neared the end he narrowed the choices down to four.

One was a doctor. She was a surgeon, made incredible money. She was focused and driven. Because she was so wealthy on her own, he knew she wasn't in it only for the money.

One was a lawyer. Again, a successful professio...

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3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.
The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see tha...

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My cat won in a competition for having the best butt

Its a catastrophe

911 joke competition

Hey guys, me and some coworkers are doing a 911 joke competition that will end on 911. There are going to be 3 judges and I need help getting the best 911 jokes. Thank you.

I won a doorbell competition even though mine was missing.

They gave me the Nobel prize.

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I won the masturbation competition

Single-handedly.

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An Australian radio host is running a competition to great a new word and ask callers to suggest one

Caller one : garn

Host : can you use it in a sentence?

Caller one : garn get fucked (hangs up)

Host : ok, let's try again again, what's your word?

Caller 2 : smee

Host : and can you use it in a sentence?

Caller two : smee again, garn get fucked

I came second in a Winston Churchill lookalike competition.

Close, but no cigar.

A man was in an adult competition.

He came in seconds! His wife was not happy.

What do you call it when a cat wins a prize at a dog competition

A cat-has-trophy

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Why does everyone want to be either first or second in a competition?

Nobody wants to be a turd.

A man committed suicide after being rejected at a singing competition...

He just couldn't face the music.

There was a competition at Sydney's center point tower.

Whoever could drop their watch from the tower, get to the bottom and then catch the watch will win $100000. A man from Western Australia tried his luck by dropping his watch and running down the stairs (if there are stairs). He picked up his broken watch and left. A man from Queensland dropped his w...

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A guy and girl had sex poem competition

Guy: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I can put mine in yours, but you can't put yours in mine."


Girl: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I know the length of yours, but you won't know the depth of mine."

I went to Brisbane's hottest redhead competition

5000 people attended, and not a soul in sight

1965 saw the invention of Gatorade, but the competition was fierce.

Florida State had made their own sports drink to give athletes an edge. However, their own "Seminole Fluid" just didn't sell.

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Just took part in a blindfolded masturbating competition.

Fuck knows where I came.

There was a competition of submarines.

Three people joined, two of them were from the competition held the previous year. The two presented the same sub no difference but it was the same thing the judge had seen every single year.

The judge then left the two and went to the new competitor when he saw his it was the ugliest thing h...

Two rival tailors had a competition to see who could cut and perfectly hem a six foot long piece of fabric the quickest.

The result was a tie.

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There was a competition to find who could last the longest without masturbating.

I came first.

Did you hear about the guy who lost the standing up competition?

Apparently he was defeated.

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Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition...

Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful.


The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happen...

One day the king was hosting a competition

He gave every contestant a piece of lined paper, specifically with ten lines. “Write whatever you want on the paper, if you make me laugh, you win a full chest of gold. However if I don’t laugh, you will be sentenced to death” He said.

The first person came and wrote a funny story, using up a...

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I was banned from a largest cock competition

Apparently I misunderstood the objective

What did Orion receive after losing an archery competition?

A constellation prize.

Who’s gonna win the cow weed smoking competition?

I’m not sure.... but the steaks are high

I baked a dog shaped dough in a local baking competition

It was pure-bread.

Three men, exhausted from selling colored automobile wheels all day, decided to enter in a competition

Three men, exhausted from selling colored automobile wheels all day, decided to enter in a competition: who could render a knot out of a multi-colored suit-tie the fastest. They went on, waited in line, and eventually competed against each other, however in the end they all had the same time.
...

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The United States and Britain are having a competition on who can fuck themselves up the most.

Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card.

The MI5, the CIA and the KGB are having a competition

Three small parties of all three Agencies meet on neutral ground, on the edge of a big german forest.

For the goal of the competition, they decided that each of their parties should catch a rabbit, using their espionage skills. The party that manages to catch the rabbit the quickest, wins....

I entered an online pun competition with ten of my best puns hoping atleast one would win

No pun in 10 did

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A dwarf enters a competition to see who can lift Mjolnir.

Thousands of people try, but of course, fail. Then it's the Dwarf's turn.

Thor himself is in fact in attendance, and takes great amusement when he sees the dwarf waddle up to the hammer.

He squats down, grabs the handle, and using all of his power, lifts the hammer.

The dwarf lo...

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A blues club is holding a competition for the best blues performer.

Plenty of musicians show up, but among them is this one grizzled old bluesman. It's his turn to go on stage, so he sits on the piano and goes:

- This song is called: "I Will Slap You With My Dick All Night"

And he breaks out into a beautiful blues tune, after which half of the other mu...

Poet competition

It is a great poet competition in England. The final is coming up and only two men are on stage. On one side an Irish country pastor. On the other an American globetrotter.

The jury announces the last competition: There must be a quatrain that ends in Timbuktu. Whoever speaks first, will win....

What did the winner of the muscle loss competition get?

A-trophy

Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?

Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.

There's an innuendo competition in town tonight.

I'm thinking of entering my wife.

So a blonde is invited to a Lying competition

The goal of the competition is to tell the most convincing, outrageous lie. The blonde thinks for days and days over what lie she is going to tell but she is never able to come up with a good one.

On the day of the competition, she walks up on stage, still lacking a good lie. She reaches for ...

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3 prostitutes were drinking in a bar

After a few too many drinks the women began to boast about how much they can fit inside themselves.

The first woman took a sip of her drink and proceeded to push her fist up to her wrist into her pussy, confident that she had won the competition she sat back and smiled.

The second woma...

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God holds a competition to go to heaven.....

God holds a competition to go to heaven where you have to climb 100 steps and you reach heaven but if you fail you go to hell. Three guys decide hey want to try it out so they start climbing.

after 25 steps god shows up and tells one of the guys a joke, he bursts out laughing and goes to hell...

I was in an art competition last week.

It ended in a draw.

My town is holding their annual incest competition...

...I entered my sister.

'One liner jokes' competition

A blonde and brunette were the best of friends and one day they came across a 'one liner competition'. They both admired comedy and hence they decided to give it a shot.


There were comedians, some established and some fresh talents, telling their best joke.


First came a Swedish...

The FBI, CIA and KGB go into a forest for a rabbit hunting competition.

They each have 2 days to do it and whoever finds a rabbit the fastest wins. First, the FBI go in. They go in with the latest and greatest rabbit locating equipment, and it’s clear that they have prepared for a while. They come back after two days with a rabbit in hand. Next, the CIA go in. Their equ...

It's disgusting to judge someone just by their looks.

Let's just say I didn't win at the model competition.

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My therapist says my job is too stressful and driven by competition, so she recommended meditation.

I think I'm a natural talent. I finished my first 5 minute meditation in under 2 minutes 49 seconds.

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This joke is from Egypt but i'll try telling it in English

a private competition was held between England Japan and Egypt
Who can last longer in bed
the president of each country was present
and it's important to know that Egypt was represented by a guy from upper Egypt
so
the English man lasted two hours
the Japanese two and a half
thi...

There was a line drawing competition going on in Las Vegas...

The goal of the competition was to make the straightest line (7 ft long) with the weirdest material. Bobby Jay, a contestant, wanted to wow the judges so he could win the competition. So he decided to do something different.

Bobby wanted to make his line out of fruit punch, never seen before....

I entered a pun competition

Being a competitive sort, I scoured my brains for my very best puns, sorting them and analysing them by punningness, and finally submitting my very best top ten puns. I was sure I would win, or at least one would make the medals table.

But unfortunately no pun in ten did.

Coach: “My boy Kelvin here is gonna freeze out the competition.”

Interviewer: “Is that him over there?Wow, what an absolute unit!”

The time is midnight. Three vampires gather in a room.

The three vampires are arguing who is the strongest vampire. So, they decide to have a small competition to see who sucks more blood from humans. The first vampire stands up, and flies into the window of the hotel room. He returns back in an hour, his mouth stained with blood. The other two vampires...

Dr. Frankenstein went to a body-building competition...

There was a terrible misunderstanding.

I saw M. Night Shyamalan at a dancing competition today.

What a twist.

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I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked if I could masturbate in the cup.

I mean, I'm pretty good but I don't think I'm ready for that level of competition.

Why did Ash Ketchum enter a singing competition?

He heard there would be Gary-oake.

I won a wet t-shirt competition. Guess what I got?

Pneumonia.

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A Radio talkshow have a competition for a new word....

As the show goes on there’s a few entries but nothing decent until a man called John dials in with his suggestion
Presenter : Hi John let’s hear what your suggestion is
John : My word is Goan
Presenter : Okay John can you use it in a sentence
John : Goan fuck your self
- Presenter cu...

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There was a writing competition for a story that had: religion, sex and mystery.

The winning story was: "Oh god, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it!".

What did the British restaurant patron say to his waiter after he finished his meal?

checkmate



just thought of this joke cause i play a lot of chess. how can i work a chess or competition reference into the premise to add more value to the punchline?

I entered a sleeping competition..

It was so easy, i won it with my eyes closed.

Three vampires are haveing a competition for who will get the most blood

The first vampire returns with a mouth full of blood. The other vampires ask him how did he get it. He says:"you see that tree? After it there is a village, I took blood from everyone there."
The second vampire goes and comes back with a face full of blood. He says: "you see that tree? After it ...

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A local radio station was running a competition

A local radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: "96FM here, what's your name?"

Caller: "Hi, my name's Dave."

DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"<...

Political joke competition in the USSR

Grand prize: 15 years

The animal kingdom had become overpopulated.

The lion, being the head of the animal kingdom, made a decree: a joke telling contest would be held at the end of the week. The tortoise, unanimously agreed upon as being the fairest of all the animals, was appointed as the official judge. The rules were simple: tell your joke to the tortoise, and i...

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I was really disappointed when I came last in the astronomy competition, but they still gave me a map of the stars just for participating.

It was a constellation prize

If there was a competition for precision...

I'd come sixty seventh.

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Sex competition

An Englishman and a Spaniard are in a bar in Amsterdam at midnight when they start bragging to each other about their sexual escapades. After several minutes of back and forth, the Englishman challenges the Spaniard to a contest.
"We'll go to the nearest brothel and see how many times we can shag...

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I was in a blindfolded wanking competition the other day....

I’ve no idea where I came.





Sorry if repost, new to me.

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A guy walks into a bar, and sees a jar full of money sitting on the table.

Puzzled, he looks at the bartender before ordering a drink.

“Shit, is this the tip jar for today?”

The bartender, cleaning a glass, shakes his head before looking up at the man.

“No, that’s our prize money.”

“Prize money?” The man asked. “What competition did this bar com...

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There was once a competition involving three gruelling tasks.

The participants had to do the following in immediate succession:

1)Drink five bottles of hard whiskey in one go.

2)Enter a room where there was a starving lion and pluck out its eyes with bare hands.

3)And then screw a very horny babe to her full satisfaction.

Many peop...

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Did you guys hear about the Porn Olympics?

There's supposed to be some stiff competition this year.

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Germany, Russia and Poland are competing in a vault breaking competition...

The rules of the competition are simple. There is a vault in the middle of a room. The light in the room is shut off for 3 seconds. In those 3 seconds the team can do whatever they want to the vault to try and get in. If the team manages to break into the vault before the light comes back on they ge...

There's this Incest competition.

I'm going to enter my sister.

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician enter a competition

The goal is to surround 10 sheeps with the minimum amount of wood to be used as fence.

The engineer goes first. Armed with the knowledge that the best perimeter to area is a circle, gathers the sheep together and build a circular fence around them.

The crowd goes crazy! That is unbeata...

There was a contortionist competition being held the other day

So I entered myself... And won

I lost the reverse hat wearing competition last night.

Just couldn’t get my head around it.

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So Jesus and Satan get in an Excel spreadsheet competition...

One day in Heaven, Jesus and Satan are bickering nonstop about which of them is better than the other. "I'm better than you in every way!" says Satan. "No, I’m Earth’s savior. Clearly, I'm the best," says Jesus. After long enough, God can't take listening to them arguing anymore and says “ENOUGH! We...

Did you hear about the kid who won the ALS competition?

He won atrophy for first place.

The flea jumping competition begins

Fleas from all over the country have gathered here today to take part in the contest. Expect an incredible show.

=

Team 1 from Muts-4-homes Animal Shelter take the stage.

=

The team lines up on the platform...

=

6 --
5 --
...

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Two newly wed couples end up at the same place for their Honeymoon

The two grooms are are at the bar talking about finally making love to their new wives. One of them suggests a competition to see who gets the most sex and they both agree. They needed a code so their wives wouldn't know they were having a competition, so it was suggested that over breakfast they wo...

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At Oxford's men only English language competition, 200 males were participating

The challenge was to express Peacefulness, Happiness and Calmness in a single sentence.

The person who won the competition wrote....

"My wife is sleeping."







He also received standing ovation from the audience.

I entered 10 puns in my local papers joke competition.

None of them won. In the response they told me no pun in 10 did.

I heard that Chris Brown entered a Rihanna look-alike competition.

I thought he was insane, but you know what they say. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

If there would be a competition for biggest failures...

I would probably fail in that competition too.

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There's a penis beauty competition taking place in New York. The total prize pool is $10,000.

Wiener takes all.

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I've started a team called "The Pigeons"

We shit on the competition.

Three men from the same country enter a competition to see who has the most children.

As they enter the stadium, the enormous crowd starts cheering in excitement. The first man comes up, and his family of 20 accompanies him on stage. The second man comes up, revealing his enormous family of 60 members. The third man comes up on the stage, but nobody comes up with him. The crowd then ...

Netflix’s original content has some stiff competition.

I heard they’re shooting something at YouTube HQ today.

Last year, kitty litter companies everywhere took part in a competition...

a competition for 'who could create the best cat litter'--suggesting there was a 'huge trophy' for first place, but it all went horribly wrong.

They should've known, though, after all the grand prize was just one massive catastrophe.

You know, if you and me were to have a sketching competition...

We'd draw

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