There was a poetry competition final with two contestants, a university student and an old country man.

They each had 20 seconds to come up with a poem about Timbuktu.

The student goes first and says " Across the desert sands, crossed a lonely caravan, men on camels two by two, destination Timbuktu."

The crowd goes wild cheering for the poem.

The old country man then goes, "Tim...

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A German butcher and a Polish butcher started a competition...

...to see who could make the longest continuous chain of sausage links in one hour.

It was a tight competitions; both men take pride in their craft and in their sausage-slinging heritage. The two were neck-in-neck up until the 59th minute, wherein the Polish butcher had a slip of the hand an...

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Two firms had a row competition

A Japanese and a Finnish company decided to have 2km row competition as a publicity stunt. Both teams trained long and hard. Competition came and Japanese won by 1km.
Finnish companys leadership was shocked. But in this major crisis the leadership showed its value: They wanted to have new compet...

A blonde is in a swimming competition.

She comes in dead last in the 100m breast stroke. After she climbs out of the pool, she walks over to the referee.

"I don't want to sound like a whiner," she says, "but I think the other swimmers were using their arms."

My wife and I are having a competition to see who can steal the most dog related stuff from our local pet shop.

I've just taken the lead.

Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding competition

He was mistaken.

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What did the redditor say after he won the dick measuring competition?

Wow! This blew up. Thanks for the gold.



repost because i accidentally deleted the 1st post in 2 minutes

I submitted 10 puns to a joke-writing competition to see if any of them made the finals.

Sadly, no pun in ten did.

A shooting club was holding a competition. The winner was to get a somewhat ugly trophy, the second-placed shooter - a crate of champagne.

By the end of the final round, two shooters were tied for first place, so they were told to do a tiebreaker round - 5 shots at maximum distance. To keep things more dramatic, they had to shoot at the same time.

After both had stopped firing and were awaiting the results, one shooter turned to...

Don't ever challenge a German sausage maker to a competition.

It brings out the *wurst* in him.

Countries around the world are having a competition to find out which currency is the best

Brazilian trying to keep it real, Russian is in ruble, and South Korean won.

My 2 friends got into an intense art competition.

It ended up being a draw!

If there was a competition for the world's best contortionist...

I think I'd enter myself.

A competition is held to determine who is the world's best magician

David Blaine performs first with his famous trick. He waves his hand, and, *poof*, the card disappears.

David Copperfield performs next. He waves his hand, and, *poof*, the Statue of Liberty disappears.

Finally, a guy with a beard dressed in rags and sandals comes on stage. Nobody expe...

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Three men took part in a turd-eating competition.

The competition is simple: The first guy to eat 100 pieces of turd without throwing up wins.

The first man starts eating. 1, 3, 5, 10... He pukes at 30 pieces and gets eliminated.

The second man starts off strong and eats 2 by 2, but eventually he vomits at around 60 pieces.

Th...

Jesus and satan bet on who is a better programmer

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for severa...

Olympic sailing competition just finished. France got the gold, South Africa got the silver, and ...

Somalia got the boat.

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A competition in the pub

A guy walks into a new pub and notices that there’s a jar full of ten pound notes.

so he asks the barman “what’s with the jar?” The barman explains, if you put a tenner in the jar and complete 3 tasks then you win all the money in the jar. He agrees and hands over a ten pound note.

“Ri...

There was a poem contest somewhere in Australia. The two finalists priest and a shepherd. For the final competition they both have to write a short poem that ends on Timbuktu.

The priest starts out with the following:

>I was a priest for all my life.
>
>I had no children and no wife.
>
>I read the bible through and through
>
>on my way to Timbuktu.

He received a good amount of applause, but in the end the sh...

I once entered a weather pun competition

I beat the raining champion.

What is first prize in a competition to lose muscle mass?

a trophy.

Who won the "Most Disgusting Shopkeeper" competition?

The Grocer!

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A saloon was having a shooting competition

and a cowboy asked the bartender if he could convince people he had a dog that could shoot would the bartender give him free drinks for the rest of the night, as compensation for bringing in more guests.

The bartender agreed but asked how he'd convince everyone of that. The cowboy said he kn...

A joke from my country (Brazil)

In an international police convention, American FBI, English Scotland Yard and Brazilian BOPE are about to take part in a competition.

A rabbit will be set loose in the woods and the team that retrieves it in the shortest time wins.

First goes the Scotland Yard. They use hounds and hel...

A disturbing but true story about me

When I was born, my mother died and my father abandoned me. So I spent my entire childhood with my aunt and uncle.

When I was in my late teens, I stumbled upon a video that my sister had made of herself. It was then that I realized that she was really, really hot. I watched the video twice, a...

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I participated in a joke writing competition on this sub three years ago.

The mods laid out 4 simple rules quite clearly:

1. For the following two days, all posts on this sub would be considered as entries for the competition.

2. The post with the most upvotes would be declared as the winner, i.e., the best joke. The number of upvotes until the end o...

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Favorite Norm MacDonald joke I heard live

PREFACE: Several years ago Norm was doing standup in Vegas. it was at the South Point casino, a little ways off the strip. At the same time there was a rodeo going on as well. Forget the name of the rodeo but it was advertised as being LGBT friendly. So thus it was known as the "gay rodeo"
<...

A new competition!

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I recently entered a competition to see who gained the most weight and lost the most hair," he tells the bartender. "What the heck? Why?" the bartender asks. "Oh, they didn't call it that," the guy replies. "It was advertised as 'high school class reunion,'...

Dexter Holland wasn't always lead singer of the Offspring

Long ago he was in the seafood industry. He had a job shucking oysters for a restaurant. Anyway, one day he sees an ad for a competition in oyster shucking, but it is a team challenge. He shows up solo, and knows he won't be let in. His confidence is low at this point, but he still signs up. The att...

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Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful

The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed.

"You see that mansion over there?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I went over...

My wife told me she and her sister started a weight loss competition to see who can shed the most pounds before their cousin's wedding this summer.

"I hope you win" was not the correct response.

I entered a competition to see whose muscles could whither away the fastest.

The winner got atrophy.

My friends and I had a competition to see what the most difficult to put on accessory was.

The end result was a tie.

There was a pun competition going on in the local community.

I decided I might have a go at it since I am pretty good with puns. The rules were simple: we all had to tell 10 puns. I got on stage and gave it my best shot to wow the judges. Sadly, no pun in ten did.

A local pub had an electric bull riding competition

Many strong men tried and failed to last the required 8 seconds due to the ferocity of the steed.

A little, scrawny man stepped up and climbed aboard.

The bull started bucking slowly as the ride gained momentum, yet the man held on. 1, 2, 3 seconds.

Faster and faster it spun, ye...

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Update: moved up a place in the World Penis Size competition

After facing a lot of stiff competition, I'm through to the Semi's

Four insurance companies are in competition.

One comes up with the slogan, "Coverage from the cradle to the grave."


The Second one tries to improve on that with, "Coverage from the womb to the tomb."


Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with, "From the sperm to the worm."


The fourth insurance company re...

The MI5, the CIA and the KGB are having a competition

Three small parties of all three Agencies meet on neutral ground, on the edge of a big german forest.

For the goal of the competition, they decided that each of their parties should catch a rabbit, using their espionage skills. The party that manages to catch the rabbit the quickest, wins....

Been trying to organize a local hide and seek competition, but it's been quite difficult.

Good players are just hard to find.

A 10 year old girl opens a lemonade stand and sells at such low prices her competition can’t keep up, and is forced to close down.

Maybe it would have helped if there were a punch line..

My kitten won top prize in a cute competition.

Unfortunately, they messed up the award... Instead of making it in the shape of a kitty's face they made it into a kitty's behind!!

It's a real cat-ass-trophy!

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Last night I was bored so I entered a drinking competition in a japanese restaurant

It was only for the sake of it

My friend went into a suntanning competition but it was rigged

Because all the contestants got bronze

I decapitated myself for a mountain rolling competition.

I guess you could say I was ahead.

Three friends are out fishing, having a competition to see who can catch the biggest fish.

The first guy says “Ill use worms as bait, surely this will catch the largest fish. My dad was a fisherman for all of his life, and taught me all of his tricks to catching the biggest fish. There is no possible way you guys can beat me.”

The second guy bursts out laughing. “You expect to catc...

There's a winner of a recent dance competition who just got exposed as a huge racist.

She had alt the right moves.

I entered a competition to see who could put on the most items of clothing in a minute. I was in the lead, but right at the last second, my opponent managed to throw something around his neck and draw level.

It was a tie.

They say the worst place to be in a cooking competition is last place...

...Tell that to the crab.

Jabba the Hutt hosts a piano playing competition.

So, several hundred musicians from across many galaxies gather in order to compete. Jabba is also competing, of course, and the song he picks to play is the Faerie's Aire. Now, he gets cybernetic implants just so he can play a complicated piece, but he believes that his piece alone played at a fairl...

What's the difference between the winner of a body building competition and a coach potato?

One has a trophy for muscles and the other has muscle atrophy.

Did you hear about the time Chad Muska lost the Tampa Pro competition?

He shed THREE MUSKA TEARS

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The United States and Britain are having a competition on who can fuck themselves up the most.

Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card.

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I brought my cat to cat judging competition. I thought it went really poorly, but he did win an award for having the best butt.

It was a cat-ass-trophy

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An annual weaponry competition is being held.

There is one representative each from every country. Each representative wields the main weapon of sorts from their culture. A fly is released within the range if the representative and they must cut it. The nore precise or beautiful the cut, the more points.

The next competitor goes up, repr...

My city is holding their annual incest competition...

I've entered my sister...

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Why Wasn't the Green Pepper Able to Participate in the Archery Competition?

It didn't habanero....

The circus near my house started a competition to find the best contortionist

So I entered myself, and won.

Everyone’s heard of weed brownies.

But of a buddy of mine recently had a fierce competition on injecting hemp oil into rib eyes and who could cook the better piece.

Boy I’ll tell you… the steaks were high.

Milk that cow..

Three handsome crop farmers (brunette, redhead, and blonde) liked the same farm-girl. The farm-girl had a big dairy farm.

One day the three farmer friends decided to ask her, who she would like to go out with. Since they were all very handsome, the farm-girl had a hard time deciding, so she ...

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True facts....

\*\*\*\*True Facts\*\*\*\*

1. IN the 1400s, a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb, hence we have 'the rule of thumb'.

2. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only, Ladies Fo...

Three vampires are in a cabin in the woods...

The three vampires are sitting together in a cabin talking about their accomplishments as vampires.
Soon, they start to brag who's the best vampire. Then they suggest a competition: who can suck the most blood in the least time.

The first one leaves and returns after an hour, his lips ...

Toyota and Ford decided to do a rowing competition

They both got their best teams together and had them compete. The result was a disaster for Ford. The Toyota rowing team beat them by leagues.

Ford had a crisis meeting, hired the best analysts and consultants, and after half a year they came up with a conclusion: The Toyota rowing boat had ...

Why was the Flying Carpet racer banned from the competition?

He was caught using performance enhancing rugs.

Joe kept cheating at the limbo competition, my buddy pulled me aside and says:

"Man, how low can you go."

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[NSFW] Jazz bar announces a competition for the vacancy of a pianist

Blues bar announces a competition for the vacancy of a pianist.

Lots of musicians come, including an old man in a really shabby suit. People start playing, and all of them kinda "meh". Then it's the old man's turn to play. He goes up the stage and announces:

\- Now I'm gonna play my s...

What do you call a competition for computers?

A ChampionChip

Entered a drag competition.

Receptionist: Name please?

Me: Amanda Tucker.

The United States, China and Russia are attending a military exercise competition

To see which army is the strongest, the United Nations placed three rabbits in three forests.the one spent least time and sent least soldiers wins.
On day one, the U.S. Army go first. They spent half a day meeting to formulate a battle plan, strictly divide the labor, and then sent a hundred spe...

Y'all heard about that currencies had a competition?

The Korean Won.

I’m a huge fan of foreign martial arts, so I went to Thailand for an MMA competition

Somebody must have given me the directions to a local Star Wars convention instead because all I see are Thai Fighters

How does a Mandalorian win a bodybuilding competition?

This is the whey

The biggest loser isn’t the one that gets first place in the ‘biggest loser’ competition...

They come second...

Idk but y’all by law have to be nice to me cause it’s my cake day.

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A local radio station was running a competition

A local radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: "96FM here, what's your name?"

Caller: "Hi, my name's Dave."

DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"<...

A young boy submitted 10 puns to a joke competition.

He thought at least one of them would win an award, but no pun in ten did.

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I entered into a sex competition

I didn’t win anything, but I came in second place.

I was excited to judge my first cooking competition

The local university was holding an iron chef style cooking competition where three students prepared a meal centering around a theme ingredient. The theme of the competition was turkey dinner, and before I knew it the kitchen was abuzz with the sounds and the smells of cooking.

After an hour...

Two people were having a competition to name a storage unit, one of them wanted to call it a "sneaky shelf" and the other thought "deep cupboard" would fit nicely.

In the end the votes were almost even, so they called it a draw

An english competition final...

The final question for an english competition was: “explain the difference between the words, complete and finished”

The finalist answered
“When you meet the right woman, your life is complete.
When you are with the wrong woman, your life is finished.
And when your right woman sees y...

My family has a competition on christmas every year on who can make my Granny cry the most with our gifts

This year: Pepper spray

A radio DJ is on air and comes up with a competition

The winner will get £1000 if they can come up with a word, not in the dictionary without checking.

Several listeners call in but unfortunately their responses were already in the dictionary.

Hamish, a Scottish listener, phones in and says "Goan"

The DJ checks the dictionary an...

My two Mexican friends had a best of three microphone testing competition.

Juan One and Juan Two had a one-on-one one-two one-two. Juan One won one, but Juan Two won two, so Juan Two won two to one.

Santa’s Reindeer’s competition

In the days leading up until Christmas, all of Santa’s reindeer throw a party, with each reindeer throwing their own party on a different day. During the day before Christmas Eve, the elves, reindeer, and Claus’ would decide who threw the best party that year and there would be a prize.

The d...

A woman's swim team competitor was really upset by her recent loss at the Olympics.

It was during the breast stroke competition when she came in fourth place. She complained the other women were cheating because they were using their arms.

I take part in the sun tan competition every single year.

Why do I never get better than bronze!

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I entered a blindfolded wanking competition

I didn't win. In fact, I've no idea where I came.

MI6, CIA and KGB are competing against each other...

Last competition. The mission is to find a bear in a 10000 sq/km forest
MI6 goes first. Using dogs and 1000 agents they have found a bear in 12 hours.
CIA goes next. Using satellites and heatvisors they found a bear in 6 hours
KGB goes last. Two agents enters a forest and came out of it ...

At the gym

A guy walks into a bar and orders a light beer. "Just one. I'm heading over to the gym soon. The guys are having a big pull ups competition tonight," the guy tells the bartender. "They really know how to pamper themselves."

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I recently enrolled my cat for beautiful butt competition

We won.

But everyone thinks it was a catastrophe!

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Sex competition

An Englishman and a Spaniard are in a bar in Amsterdam at midnight when they start bragging to each other about their sexual escapades. After several minutes of back and forth, the Englishman challenges the Spaniard to a contest.
"We'll go to the nearest brothel and see how many times we can shag...

Two submarines are trying to win a competition

Each one of them has to try and hit objects that are smaller and smaller in size.

Every day they choose an object in the ocean, and declare that the objective before trying to hit it:

*"Today we'll hit that sunken ship"* and off they go.

Then it's the other team's turn: ...

Dirty Limerick Competition

Every year in this small village there used to be a dirty limerick competition and the same guy used to win competition every year. Last year he sent in his most disgusting flithy limerick ever and was stunned to find out he'd only come second. As the limericks were never published, the editor could...

I saw an ad for an innuendo competition in the paper

So I entered my sister

A martial arts competition is taking place

There is a line to practice kicks, grapples and throws. But something’s missing....

Frankenstein enters a bodybuilding competition

and finds he has seriously misunderstood the objective...

[Blind Date] Guy: Hi, my name is Heath.

Girl: Hello, nice to meet you. I’m Heather.

Guy: This isn’t a competition.

Why does government hate organised crime?

They don't like competition

I had a great response for my competition for writing another word for tavern.

Thanks to everyone for writing Inn.

This joke is really dumb but it still won me the joke competition.

It was the dumb best joke.

What do you call it when a cat wins a prize at a dog competition

A cat-has-trophy

I won first place in the Biggest Erection contest

I had some stiff competition.

My dyslexic support group held a slam poetry competition

Doug got first with a great piece about racial tensions in America.

Anna got second with a touching monologue about women's rights.

I got third by smashing an urn.

There was a competition at Sydney's center point tower.

Whoever could drop their watch from the tower, get to the bottom and then catch the watch will win $100000. A man from Western Australia tried his luck by dropping his watch and running down the stairs (if there are stairs). He picked up his broken watch and left. A man from Queensland dropped his w...

What was my prize for coming first in the National "Thinnest Arms" competition.

Atrophy.

An Australian enters a Chess competition

To pay for admission, he writes a check to the organizers. He walks up to a man at the entrance accepting checks. The man at the entrance says "Do you have your check, mate?" To which the Australian responds "Checkmate? I haven't even started a round"

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I just signed up for a dick holding competition

I hope I can hold my own

What’s the Highest Level of Competition That a Semi Professional Sauerkraut Pickler Aspires To?

The Briner Leagues

What did the winner of the muscle loss competition get?

A-trophy

There was a competition of hiding potatoes and I won.

because my carbo-hide-rate was good.

I will be attending a competition that takes place every 4 years to see which Irishmen has the worst case of Erectile Dysfuction.

Better known as The O'limpdicks.

Apple better watch its quarterly earnings, its latest iPhone has competition

It's called Charmin Ultra Soft

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I won the masturbation competition

Single-handedly.

I recently entered a computer coding competition.

I took home the gold with 0th place!

Dr. Frankenstein went to a body-building competition...

There was a terrible misunderstanding.

During a recent fishing competition in England the fish were so scarce...

...that the prize was given to the competitor who caught the biggest cold.

---

Bonus joke from Henny Youngman:

A man says to another man, ‘Can you tell me how to get to Central Park?’

‘No.’

‘All right, I’ll mug you right here.’

Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen, and Dennis Rodman are set to compete against each other in a wordplay competition in Spain

The Punning Of The Bulls

There's this Incest competition.

I'm going to enter my sister.

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If there was a competition for saggy tits, my wife would beat everyone.

In fact, she'd wipe the floor with them.

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