What do you get for winning a muscle loss competition?

Atrophy.

There was a poetry competition final with two contestants, a university student and an old country man.

They each had 20 seconds to come up with a poem about Timbuktu.

The student goes first and says " Across the desert sands, crossed a lonely caravan, men on camels two by two, destination Timbuktu."

The crowd goes wild cheering for the poem.

The old country man then goes, "Tim...

What is first prize in a competition to lose muscle mass?

a trophy.

A new competition!

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I recently entered a competition to see who gained the most weight and lost the most hair," he tells the bartender. "What the heck? Why?" the bartender asks. "Oh, they didn't call it that," the guy replies. "It was advertised as 'high school class reunion,'...

There was a poem contest somewhere in Australia. The two finalists priest and a shepherd. For the final competition they both have to write a short poem that ends on Timbuktu.

The priest starts out with the following:

>I was a priest for all my life.
>
>I had no children and no wife.
>
>I read the bible through and through
>
>on my way to Timbuktu.

He received a good amount of applause, but in the end the sh...

My kitten won top prize in a cute competition.

Unfortunately, they messed up the award... Instead of making it in the shape of a kitty's face they made it into a kitty's behind!!

It's a real cat-ass-trophy!

A shooting club was holding a competition. The winner was to get a somewhat ugly trophy, the second-placed shooter - a crate of champagne.

By the end of the final round, two shooters were tied for first place, so they were told to do a tiebreaker round - 5 shots at maximum distance. To keep things more dramatic, they had to shoot at the same time.

After both had stopped firing and were awaiting the results, one shooter turned to...

A 10 year old girl opens a lemonade stand and sells at such low prices her competition can’t keep up, and is forced to close down.

Maybe it would have helped if there were a punch line..

My friend went into a suntanning competition but it was rigged

Because all the contestants got bronze

My wife told me she and her sister started a weight loss competition to see who can shed the most pounds before their cousin's wedding this summer.

"I hope you win" was not the correct response.

I entered a competition to see whose muscles could whither away the fastest.

The winner got atrophy.

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Last night I was bored so I entered a drinking competition in a japanese restaurant

It was only for the sake of it

There was a pun competition going on in the local community.

I decided I might have a go at it since I am pretty good with puns. The rules were simple: we all had to tell 10 puns. I got on stage and gave it my best shot to wow the judges. Sadly, no pun in ten did.

My friends and I had a competition to see what the most difficult to put on accessory was.

The end result was a tie.

A local pub had an electric bull riding competition

Many strong men tried and failed to last the required 8 seconds due to the ferocity of the steed.

A little, scrawny man stepped up and climbed aboard.

The bull started bucking slowly as the ride gained momentum, yet the man held on. 1, 2, 3 seconds.

Faster and faster it spun, ye...

The award for 1st place in the feline bottom competition was stolen last night. Organisers say it was a...

Cat-ass-trophy.

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Update: moved up a place in the World Penis Size competition

After facing a lot of stiff competition, I'm through to the Semi's

Life is not a competition....

I mean, apart from grades, jobs, partners, wealth and status.

Did you hear about the time Chad Muska lost the Tampa Pro competition?

He shed THREE MUSKA TEARS

I decapitated myself for a mountain rolling competition.

I guess you could say I was ahead.

There's a winner of a recent dance competition who just got exposed as a huge racist.

She had alt the right moves.

I entered a competition to see who could put on the most items of clothing in a minute. I was in the lead, but right at the last second, my opponent managed to throw something around his neck and draw level.

It was a tie.

What's the difference between the winner of a body building competition and a coach potato?

One has a trophy for muscles and the other has muscle atrophy.

Poetry Competition

At the annual national poetry competition, it comes down to the two finalist. A professor of literature from New York City, and an Iowa pig farmer.
The judge lays down the rules. One minute to prepare, four verses, and the key word that must be included in the poem is Timbuktu!

The profess...

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Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful

The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed.

"You see that mansion over there?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I went over...

My city is holding their annual incest competition...

I've entered my sister...

Three friends are out fishing, having a competition to see who can catch the biggest fish.

The first guy says “Ill use worms as bait, surely this will catch the largest fish. My dad was a fisherman for all of his life, and taught me all of his tricks to catching the biggest fish. There is no possible way you guys can beat me.”

The second guy bursts out laughing. “You expect to catc...

Four insurance companies are in competition.

One comes up with the slogan, "Coverage from the cradle to the grave."


The Second one tries to improve on that with, "Coverage from the womb to the tomb."


Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with, "From the sperm to the worm."


The fourth insurance company re...

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I brought my cat to cat judging competition. I thought it went really poorly, but he did win an award for having the best butt.

It was a cat-ass-trophy

Been trying to organize a local hide and seek competition, but it's been quite difficult.

Good players are just hard to find.

A man goes to a bar the day before a big competition

He walks up to the bartender and asks for the hardest drink possible.

The bartender gives him the hardest drink and the man shoots it back.

After four drinks the bartender asks “what are you drinking so much for?”

The man says “Well tomorrow I’m going on a TV competition, and ...

Jabba the Hutt hosts a piano playing competition.

So, several hundred musicians from across many galaxies gather in order to compete. Jabba is also competing, of course, and the song he picks to play is the Faerie's Aire. Now, he gets cybernetic implants just so he can play a complicated piece, but he believes that his piece alone played at a fairl...

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(NSFW) What do you call a competition where you eat beef jerkey?

A jerk-off.

Why was the Flying Carpet racer banned from the competition?

He was caught using performance enhancing rugs.

[Blind Date] Guy: Hi, my name is Heath.

Girl: Hello, nice to meet you. I’m Heather.

Guy: This isn’t a competition.

I’m a huge fan of foreign martial arts, so I went to Thailand for an MMA competition

Somebody must have given me the directions to a local Star Wars convention instead because all I see are Thai Fighters

How does a Mandalorian win a bodybuilding competition?

This is the whey

Entered a drag competition.

Receptionist: Name please?

Me: Amanda Tucker.

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Three men went on a swimming competition. An American, a Japanese and a Filipino.

The rule was simple, swim through the lake full of alligators, reach the other side alive and win unlimited cash.

Confident, Phelps went first. But in the middle of his dive, a gator appeared in front of him and swallowed him whole.

The crowd was shocked, yet they all booed.

Eag...

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Why Wasn't the Green Pepper Able to Participate in the Archery Competition?

It didn't habanero....

The circus near my house started a competition to find the best contortionist

So I entered myself, and won.

Toyota and Ford decided to do a rowing competition

They both got their best teams together and had them compete. The result was a disaster for Ford. The Toyota rowing team beat them by leagues.

Ford had a crisis meeting, hired the best analysts and consultants, and after half a year they came up with a conclusion: The Toyota rowing boat had ...

The biggest loser isn’t the one that gets first place in the ‘biggest loser’ competition...

They come second...

Idk but y’all by law have to be nice to me cause it’s my cake day.

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Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit were walking in the woods...

They didnt like each other so much and were arguing the entire time until they found a magic frog.

The frog was surprised. \`No one ever found me before\` said the frog. \`As is, I now have to grant you three wishes each\`

Both the bear and the rabbit were delighted, and quickly stoppe...

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[NSFW] Jazz bar announces a competition for the vacancy of a pianist

Blues bar announces a competition for the vacancy of a pianist.

Lots of musicians come, including an old man in a really shabby suit. People start playing, and all of them kinda "meh". Then it's the old man's turn to play. He goes up the stage and announces:

\- Now I'm gonna play my s...

Joe kept cheating at the limbo competition, my buddy pulled me aside and says:

"Man, how low can you go."

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I got last place in the dick measuring contest.



It was really hard competition, I guess you could say.

A young boy submitted 10 puns to a joke competition.

He thought at least one of them would win an award, but no pun in ten did.

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An annual weaponry competition is being held.

There is one representative each from every country. Each representative wields the main weapon of sorts from their culture. A fly is released within the range if the representative and they must cut it. The nore precise or beautiful the cut, the more points.

The next competitor goes up, repr...

So, This is a very famous joke from my country ,I hope to see the response

A conference for who the best actor in the world was held, Actors from all around the world came to take part in the competition.There were many qualifier rounds but then only 5 actors remained in the finals.

The final contest was decided to be a manual cow milking competition. The rules were...

The MI5, the CIA and the KGB are having a competition

Three small parties of all three Agencies meet on neutral ground, on the edge of a big german forest.

For the goal of the competition, they decided that each of their parties should catch a rabbit, using their espionage skills. The party that manages to catch the rabbit the quickest, wins....

Y'all heard about that currencies had a competition?

The Korean Won.

A radio DJ is on air and comes up with a competition

The winner will get £1000 if they can come up with a word, not in the dictionary without checking.

Several listeners call in but unfortunately their responses were already in the dictionary.

Hamish, a Scottish listener, phones in and says "Goan"

The DJ checks the dictionary an...

I'm anti - vax

I just don't think thier brand of vacuums are as good as the competition.

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A local radio station was running a competition

A local radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: "96FM here, what's your name?"

Caller: "Hi, my name's Dave."

DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"<...

I take part in the sun tan competition every single year.

Why do I never get better than bronze!

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I entered into a sex competition

I didn’t win anything, but I came in second place.

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I entered a blindfolded wanking competition

I didn't win. In fact, I've no idea where I came.

Two people were having a competition to name a storage unit, one of them wanted to call it a "sneaky shelf" and the other thought "deep cupboard" would fit nicely.

In the end the votes were almost even, so they called it a draw

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The United States and Britain are having a competition on who can fuck themselves up the most.

Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card.

An english competition final...

The final question for an english competition was: “explain the difference between the words, complete and finished”

The finalist answered
“When you meet the right woman, your life is complete.
When you are with the wrong woman, your life is finished.
And when your right woman sees y...

I was excited to judge my first cooking competition

The local university was holding an iron chef style cooking competition where three students prepared a meal centering around a theme ingredient. The theme of the competition was turkey dinner, and before I knew it the kitchen was abuzz with the sounds and the smells of cooking.

After an hour...

Why did the cannibal go to the Olympics?

To watch the fast food competitions.

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I recently enrolled my cat for beautiful butt competition

We won.

But everyone thinks it was a catastrophe!

My two Mexican friends had a best of three microphone testing competition.

Juan One and Juan Two had a one-on-one one-two one-two. Juan One won one, but Juan Two won two, so Juan Two won two to one.

Santa’s Reindeer’s competition

In the days leading up until Christmas, all of Santa’s reindeer throw a party, with each reindeer throwing their own party on a different day. During the day before Christmas Eve, the elves, reindeer, and Claus’ would decide who threw the best party that year and there would be a prize.

The d...

The United States, China and Russia are attending a military exercise competition

To see which army is the strongest, the United Nations placed three rabbits in three forests.the one spent least time and sent least soldiers wins.
On day one, the U.S. Army go first. They spent half a day meeting to formulate a battle plan, strictly divide the labor, and then sent a hundred spe...

I saw an ad for an innuendo competition in the paper

So I entered my sister

A martial arts competition is taking place

There is a line to practice kicks, grapples and throws. But something’s missing....

Two submarines are trying to win a competition

Each one of them has to try and hit objects that are smaller and smaller in size.

Every day they choose an object in the ocean, and declare that the objective before trying to hit it:

*"Today we'll hit that sunken ship"* and off they go.

Then it's the other team's turn: ...

So a blonde goes to a lying competition

The goal of the competition is to tell the most convincing, outrageous lie. The blonde thinks for days and days over what lie she is going to tell but she is never able to come up with a good one.

On the day of the competition, she walks up on stage, still lacking a good lie. She reaches for ...

Dirty Limerick Competition

Every year in this small village there used to be a dirty limerick competition and the same guy used to win competition every year. Last year he sent in his most disgusting flithy limerick ever and was stunned to find out he'd only come second. As the limericks were never published, the editor could...

My dyslexic support group held a slam poetry competition

Doug got first with a great piece about racial tensions in America.

Anna got second with a touching monologue about women's rights.

I got third by smashing an urn.

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I just signed up for a dick holding competition

I hope I can hold my own

An Australian enters a Chess competition

To pay for admission, he writes a check to the organizers. He walks up to a man at the entrance accepting checks. The man at the entrance says "Do you have your check, mate?" To which the Australian responds "Checkmate? I haven't even started a round"

What’s the Highest Level of Competition That a Semi Professional Sauerkraut Pickler Aspires To?

The Briner Leagues

There was a competition of hiding potatoes and I won.

because my carbo-hide-rate was good.

Why is prostitution illegal?

Coz when it comes to screwing people and taking their money, the government doesn't want any competition.

A Scotsman was competing in the highland games...

Carothers had a few pints after the caber toss and wanted to take a nap before all the dancing started. So he headed out to the woods and found a nice meadow to take a wee snooze.

Two young and beautiful lasses were picking flowers in the meadow when they stumbled upon him. Being curious on...

During a recent fishing competition in England the fish were so scarce...

...that the prize was given to the competitor who caught the biggest cold.

---

Bonus joke from Henny Youngman:

A man says to another man, ‘Can you tell me how to get to Central Park?’

‘No.’

‘All right, I’ll mug you right here.’

This joke is really dumb but it still won me the joke competition.

It was the dumb best joke.

Dr. Frankenstein

Dr. Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding competition and discovered he had seriously misunderstood the objective.

A man walks into a bar and sees 2 steaks hanging from the ceiling.

He sits down and orders a beer, and asks the bartender
"what's the deal with the steaks?"

"It's a competition. If you can jump up and slap both steaks at the same time, one with each hand, you win the bar. If you try and fail, though, you pay for everyone's drinks for the rest of the nigh...

I recently entered a computer coding competition.

I took home the gold with 0th place!

Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen, and Dennis Rodman are set to compete against each other in a wordplay competition in Spain

The Punning Of The Bulls

Apple better watch its quarterly earnings, its latest iPhone has competition

It's called Charmin Ultra Soft

What was my prize for coming first in the National "Thinnest Arms" competition.

Atrophy.

What do you call it when a cat wins a prize at a dog competition

A cat-has-trophy

I will be attending a competition that takes place every 4 years to see which Irishmen has the worst case of Erectile Dysfuction.

Better known as The O'limpdicks.

There was a competition at Sydney's center point tower.

Whoever could drop their watch from the tower, get to the bottom and then catch the watch will win $100000. A man from Western Australia tried his luck by dropping his watch and running down the stairs (if there are stairs). He picked up his broken watch and left. A man from Queensland dropped his w...

How do you become a winner and champion in Meat Shooting Competition?

By learning from your missed steaks.

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Sex competition

An Englishman and a Spaniard are in a bar in Amsterdam at midnight when they start bragging to each other about their sexual escapades. After several minutes of back and forth, the Englishman challenges the Spaniard to a contest.
"We'll go to the nearest brothel and see how many times we can shag...

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I won the masturbation competition

Single-handedly.

Never Steal.

The government hates competition.

I entered a kleptomania competition..

I got a gold, silver and bronze.

Two men from Texas were in Canada for winter break.

At their cabin they met two canadians. The day after they decided they had to get food, so naturaly they decided to go ice fishing. To make it a bit more fun, the two guys from Texas decided to show the canadians how great America was, by beating them in an ice fishing competition. The canadians acc...

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Paddy and the toast of the year

A man named Paddy Murphy was in the pub when the barman announced a ‘toasting competition’. Thinking quickly, Paddy was pretty sure he had a winner.

“Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” he shouted, and sure enough, his naughty toast was judged the best of the ...

Two comedians were having a judged competition for telling original knock, knock jokes.

They were both disqualified as the whole competition was essentially a knock off

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An Australian radio host is running a competition to great a new word and ask callers to suggest one

Caller one : garn

Host : can you use it in a sentence?

Caller one : garn get fucked (hangs up)

Host : ok, let's try again again, what's your word?

Caller 2 : smee

Host : and can you use it in a sentence?

Caller two : smee again, garn get fucked

I came second in a Winston Churchill lookalike competition.

Close, but no cigar.

Hairstyle Competition

Hello, my name is John and I would like to tell you about the time I entered a hairstyle competition. You see, I have always loved trying out different hairstyles and colors. It is something I have put great effort into!

It was about February of last year that the idea of entering a hairstyle...

The FBI, CIA and KGB go into a forest for a rabbit hunting competition.

They each have 2 days to do it and whoever finds a rabbit the fastest wins. First, the FBI go in. They go in with the latest and greatest rabbit locating equipment, and it’s clear that they have prepared for a while. They come back after two days with a rabbit in hand. Next, the CIA go in. Their equ...

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If there was a competition for saggy tits, my wife would beat everyone.

In fact, she'd wipe the floor with them.

Dr. Frankenstein went to a body-building competition...

There was a terrible misunderstanding.

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Sex Tower

John, Mac and Randy decided to join a sex competition.

"All you have to do", Said the Commentator sitting at the top of a 10 story building, "is have sex with all the girls in each floor whoever gets to the biggest number, wins the prize . "

John, the skinniest of all, decides to go...

I went to Brisbane's hottest redhead competition

5000 people attended, and not a soul in sight

I was really upset that I came in last at the karate competition yesterday.

I was kicking myself.

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