The 110+ Best Competition Jokes

What do you get for winning a muscle loss competition?

Atrophy.

There was a poetry competition final with two contestants, a university student and an old country man.

They each had 20 seconds to come up with a poem about Timbuktu.

The student goes first and says " Across the desert sands, crossed a lonely caravan, men on camels two by two, destination Timbuktu."

The crowd goes wild cheering for the poem.

The old country man then goes, "Tim...

I recently entered a competition to see who had gained the most weight and lost the most hair.

Obviously, it wasn’t called that. It was advertised as a ‘School Reunion.’

So a blonde goes to a lying competition

The goal of the competition is to tell the most convincing, outrageous lie. The blonde thinks for days and days over what lie she is going to tell but she is never able to come up with a good one.

On the day of the competition, she walks up on stage, still lacking a good lie. She reaches for ...

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An Irish radio station was running a competition

Words that weren’t in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: “96 FM here, what’s your name?”

Caller: “Hi, my name’s Dave.”

DJ: “Dave, what’s your word?”

Caller: “Goan... spelt G-O-A-N p...

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The United States and Britain are having a competition on who can fuck themselves up the most.

Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card.

I saw an ad for an innuendo competition in the newspaper.

So I entered my sister.

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Sex competition

An Englishman and a Spaniard are in a bar in Amsterdam at midnight when they start bragging to each other about their sexual escapades. After several minutes of back and forth, the Englishman challenges the Spaniard to a contest.
"We'll go to the nearest brothel and see how many times we can shag...

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Three vampires are having a competition to find out who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.

The first one says, “Watch this,"

He flies fast, at about 100 miles/hour. After 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth.

“What happened?" asked the other vampires.

“Did you see that house over there?" he inquired....

The MI5, the CIA and the KGB are having a competition

Three small parties of all three Agencies meet on neutral ground, on the edge of a big german forest.

For the goal of the competition, they decided that each of their parties should catch a rabbit, using their espionage skills. The party that manages to catch the rabbit the quickest, wins....

My city is holding their annual incest competition...

I've entered my sister...

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Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful

The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed.

"You see that mansion over there?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I went over...

There are only two outcomes in a knot-tying competition.

Win or loose.

I can't believe I came in last at the Karate competition.

I'm still kicking myself.

Four insurance companies are in competition.

One comes up with the slogan, "Coverage from the cradle to the grave."

The Second one tries to improve on that with, "Coverage from the womb to the tomb."

Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with, "From the sperm to the worm."

The fourth insurance company re...

A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE: (the Washington Post competition)

I'll go first... I love you and the smell of your hair,Please don't be home when I get there.

EDIT- I have to say, the rhymes and creativity; you all are incredible, Now I have to wonder who's most edible...(no really great job to all)

A shooting club was holding a competition. The winner was to get a somewhat ugly trophy, the second-placed shooter - a crate of champagne.

By the end of the final round, two shooters were tied for first place, so they were told to do a tiebreaker round - 5 shots at maximum distance. To keep things more dramatic, they had to shoot at the same time.

After both had stopped firing and were awaiting the results, one shooter turned to...

The circus near me had a competition to find the best contortionist..

So I entered myself and won ...

A group of bats were hosting a competition

Three of them would be competing to see which could suck the most blood in 10 minutes.
The first one went to a field with sheep. After ten minutes it returned with blood dripping from its fangs. The judge asked “ how did you get this blood?” The bat responded “see that field with sheep? I drank ...

I wanted to watch the National Origami Competition the other day...

...but couldn't because it was paper view.

What must you do before entering a cookie eating competition?

Sign a wafer.

They should end soccer games with an art competition.

That way it would be win, lose or draw.

I just watched a really thrilling bondage competition.

The winner tied last place.

My dad just won the nonexistent Grammy joke competition.

We're watching the Grammys as a family when the Sam Hunt and Carrie Underwood performance came up. We watched it in silence and then talked about the performance once it finished. My mother thought Sam Hunt looked similar to someone and thus the joke begins:

Mom: "Hmm. That guy looks like som...

Dr. Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding competition...

... And discovered that he had seriously misunderstood the objective

A couple decided to enter a local cooking competition. He did very well in the sausage category, but she got last place with chicken.

Together, they made the best wurst and the worst breast.

Why do you never see pieces of paper at bodybuilding competitions?

Because they would have to get shredded.

Chuck Norris challenged Superman to a manliness competition

Whoever lost had to wear underwear over their pants.

What is first prize in a competition to lose muscle mass?

a trophy.

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Three men took part in a turd-eating competition.

The competition is simple: The first guy to eat 100 pieces of turd without throwing up wins.

The first man starts eating. 1, 3, 5, 10... He pukes at 30 pieces and gets eliminated.

The second man starts off strong and eats 2 by 2, but eventually he vomits at around 60 pieces.

Th...

The Competition - Wishing you a Happy Halloween!

Dracula wanted to know which of his bats was the best. So, he organized a little competition.

The bat which would drink more blood in less time than others would be the winner.

The first bat went and came back after 10 minutes. Its mouth was full of blood.

Dracula was impresse...

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A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams.

A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams. Both teams trained long and hard. When race day came, both teams thought they were in top shape, but the Japanese won by far in the mile.

After the defeat, a defeatist mood prevailed among the ...

Who won the furniture competition?

It was a drawer

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Why did Saturday and Sunday win the body-building competition?

Because Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday are week days.

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The FBI, Interpol and Mumbai police are having a competition as to who is the best detective squad.

The test is simple. They leave a rabbit into the woods and the team who finds the rabbit in the fastest time wins.

Interpol goes first. They go into the forest, hunt for clues, interrogate the animals, set a trap for the rabbit at its favorite watering hole and within a month, they have captu...

Three friends are out fishing, having a competition to see who can catch the biggest fish.

The first guy says “Ill use worms as bait, surely this will catch the largest fish. My dad was a fisherman for all of his life, and taught me all of his tricks to catching the biggest fish. There is no possible way you guys can beat me.”

The second guy bursts out laughing. “You expect to catc...

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So, theres a manliest of the men competition where hundreds of men compete to find out who is the strongest.

The competition consists of three stages first being a pit that leads into a sea where hungry sharks are everywhere. After that there is a mossy swamp filled with alligators. Finally a jungle where tons upon tons of lions are. After a day goes by and no one is able to complete this competition the a...

My friend and I are having a competition to see who can steal the most items from the pet shop.

I've just taken the lead.

Hair loss competition

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I recently entered a competition to see who gained the most weight and lost the most hair," he tells the bartender. "What the heck? Why?" the bartender asks. "Oh, they didn't call it that," the guy replies. "It was advertised as 'high school class reunion,'...

Three vampires enter into a competition

The first vampire tells the other 2:

\- “Hey! I have an idea! Let’s have a competition between the three of us to see who is the best at sucking blood!”

Since they have nothing to else to do, the other two vampires think it is a good idea and agree to the competition.

After tha...

In a competition to express luck, peace and quiet in a single sentence, the winning sentence was...

My wife is asleep.

What did the winner of the farting competition say?

"I knew I had it in me"

There's this Incest competition.

I'm going to enter my sister.

A blonde is in a spelling competition.

Judge: Spell 'orange'.

Blonde: The fruit or the color?

A blonde is in a swimming competition.

She comes in dead last in the 100m breast stroke. After she climbs out of the pool, she walks over to the referee.

"I don't want to sound like a whiner," she says, "but I think the other swimmers were using their arms."

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Did you hear about the excellent butter churning competition at the state fair?

It was a super spreader event!

I was on the verge of winning the "Worlds Most Congested Nose " competition....

And then I blew it.

Joke about a Pole in a swearing competition

A contest was set up. By who? Nobody knows.

But, the general gist was this - whoever can maintain the longest flow of cursewords wins... something.

And so, a Britton, a Frenchman, a Russian and a Pole get into the finals. Each have their own booths to psyche up and prepare for ...

I had a hard time in the latest verbal brevity competition.

The objective was trying, to say the least.

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician enter a competition

The goal is to surround 10 sheeps with the minimum amount of wood to be used as fence.

The engineer goes first. Armed with the knowledge that the best perimeter to area is a circle, gathers the sheep together and build a circular fence around them.

The crowd goes crazy! That is unbeata...

So, I purchased tickets and attended a competition for hitting bongs…

It was a Rip Off

What do you call a sports competition between guys with erectile dysfunction?

The o-limp-dicks

Dr. Frankenstein went to a body-building competition...

There was a terrible misunderstanding.

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What did the redditor say after he won the dick measuring competition?

Wow! This blew up. Thanks for the gold.

repost because i accidentally deleted the 1st post in 2 minutes

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I recently entered a blindfolded masturbation competition...

I haven't seen the results yet so I've no idea where I came...

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in an art competition they asked the competitors to draw a picture representing famine around the world

the 3rd place award went to a picture of a child next to a piece of bread but can't reach it for he is too weak to even move, symbolising their suffering and their weakness.

2nd place went to a picture of a child so thin and so weak lying on the ground and a crow a couple of meters away waiti...

My kids got me a worlds greatest dad shirt which is weird because I didn’t even know it was a competition.

Their biological father definitely didn’t.

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Two firms had a row competition

A Japanese and a Finnish company decided to have 2km row competition as a publicity stunt. Both teams trained long and hard. Competition came and Japanese won by 1km.
Finnish companys leadership was shocked. But in this major crisis the leadership showed its value: They wanted to have new compet...

Countries around the world are having a competition to find out which currency is the best

Brazilian trying to keep it real, Russian is in ruble, and South Korean won.

I submitted 10 puns to a joke-writing competition to see if any of them made the finals.

Sadly, no pun in ten did.

The trainee competition judge arrived at the village fair

He meets his mentor at the entrance.

"Nice to meet, nice to meet, nice to meet you," stammers the mentor. "Forgive my, forgive my, forgive my speech impediment."

"Please, don't worry about it," says the trainee.

They head off to judge the villagers' chilli peppers. They come to...

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A German butcher and a Polish butcher started a competition...

...to see who could make the longest continuous chain of sausage links in one hour.

It was a tight competitions; both men take pride in their craft and in their sausage-slinging heritage. The two were neck-in-neck up until the 59th minute, wherein the Polish butcher had a slip of the hand an...

My friend came second in a Winston Churchill lookalike competition

He was close, but no cigar

A competition is held to determine who is the world's best magician

David Blaine performs first with his famous trick. He waves his hand, and, *poof*, the card disappears.

David Copperfield performs next. He waves his hand, and, *poof*, the Statue of Liberty disappears.

Finally, a guy with a beard dressed in rags and sandals comes on stage. Nobody expe...

Did you hear that The Beatles once judged a singing competition?

They were the Hey-Judeicators.

My 2 friends got into an intense art competition.

It ended up being a draw!

Drink competition (very long)

I had a friend who loved to mix drinks and make new ones. One day he made a huge discovery. This new drink was an instant hit. Everyone would ask him for the recipe, but he refused to give it to anyone. He called it his Special Punch.

This went on for years, with plenty of people trying to mi...

There was a competition for the best wordplay joke

Hundreds of entries were sent in, but only 10 made it to the final round. However, none of them won.

No pun in ten did.

Don't ever challenge a German sausage maker to a competition.

It brings out the *wurst* in him.

Been trying to organize a local hide and seek competition, but it's been quite difficult.

Good players are just hard to find.

A 10 year old girl opens a lemonade stand and sells at such low prices her competition can’t keep up, and is forced to close down.

Maybe it would have helped if there were a punch line..

I once entered a weather pun competition

I beat the raining champion.

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Why Wasn't the Green Pepper Able to Participate in the Archery Competition?

It didn't habanero....

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A competition in the pub

A guy walks into a new pub and notices that there’s a jar full of ten pound notes.

so he asks the barman “what’s with the jar?” The barman explains, if you put a tenner in the jar and complete 3 tasks then you win all the money in the jar. He agrees and hands over a ten pound note.

“Ri...

Olympic sailing competition just finished. France got the gold, South Africa got the silver, and ...

Somalia got the boat.

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A saloon was having a shooting competition

and a cowboy asked the bartender if he could convince people he had a dog that could shoot would the bartender give him free drinks for the rest of the night, as compensation for bringing in more guests.

The bartender agreed but asked how he'd convince everyone of that. The cowboy said he kn...

My wife told me she and her sister started a weight loss competition to see who can shed the most pounds before their cousin's wedding this summer.

"I hope you win" was not the correct response.

Who won the "Most Disgusting Shopkeeper" competition?

The Grocer!

My friends and I had a competition to see what the most difficult to put on accessory was.

The end result was a tie.

My kitten won top prize in a cute competition.

Unfortunately, they messed up the award... Instead of making it in the shape of a kitty's face they made it into a kitty's behind!!

It's a real cat-ass-trophy!

I entered a competition to see whose muscles could whither away the fastest.

The winner got atrophy.

The FBI, CIA and KGB go into a forest for a rabbit hunting competition.

They each have 2 days to do it and whoever finds a rabbit the fastest wins. First, the FBI go in. They go in with the latest and greatest rabbit locating equipment, and it’s clear that they have prepared for a while. They come back after two days with a rabbit in hand. Next, the CIA go in. Their equ...

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An annual weaponry competition is being held.

There is one representative each from every country. Each representative wields the main weapon of sorts from their culture. A fly is released within the range if the representative and they must cut it. The nore precise or beautiful the cut, the more points.

The next competitor goes up, repr...

They say the worst place to be in a cooking competition is last place...

...Tell that to the crab.

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Three men went on a swimming competition. An American, a Japanese and a Filipino.

The rule was simple, swim through the lake full of alligators, reach the other side alive and win unlimited cash.

Confident, Phelps went first. But in the middle of his dive, a gator appeared in front of him and swallowed him whole.

The crowd was shocked, yet they all booed.

Eag...

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Last night I was bored so I entered a drinking competition in a japanese restaurant

It was only for the sake of it

My friend went into a suntanning competition but it was rigged

Because all the contestants got bronze

What do you call it when a cat wins a prize at a dog competition

A cat-has-trophy

The flea jumping competition begins

Fleas from all over the country have gathered here today to take part in the contest. Expect an incredible show.

=

Team 1 from Muts-4-homes Animal Shelter take the stage.

=

The team lines up on the platform...

=

6 --
5 --
...

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Update: moved up a place in the World Penis Size competition

After facing a lot of stiff competition, I'm through to the Semi's

There was a competition at Sydney's center point tower.

Whoever could drop their watch from the tower, get to the bottom and then catch the watch will win $100000. A man from Western Australia tried his luck by dropping his watch and running down the stairs (if there are stairs). He picked up his broken watch and left. A man from Queensland dropped his w...

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Why is Trump so keen to build a wall to keep out Mexican rapists?

He's afraid of the competition.

A local pub had an electric bull riding competition

Many strong men tried and failed to last the required 8 seconds due to the ferocity of the steed.

A little, scrawny man stepped up and climbed aboard.

The bull started bucking slowly as the ride gained momentum, yet the man held on. 1, 2, 3 seconds.

Faster and faster it spun, ye...

I entered a competition to see who could put on the most items of clothing in a minute. I was in the lead, but right at the last second, my opponent managed to throw something around his neck and draw level.

It was a tie.

What was my prize for coming first in the National "Thinnest Arms" competition.

Atrophy.

The United States, China and Russia are attending a military exercise competition

To see which army is the strongest, the United Nations placed three rabbits in three forests.the one spent least time and sent least soldiers wins.
On day one, the U.S. Army go first. They spent half a day meeting to formulate a battle plan, strictly divide the labor, and then sent a hundred spe...

I was excited to judge my first cooking competition

The local university was holding an iron chef style cooking competition where three students prepared a meal centering around a theme ingredient. The theme of the competition was turkey dinner, and before I knew it the kitchen was abuzz with the sounds and the smells of cooking.

After an hour...

Life is not a competition....

I mean, apart from grades, jobs, partners, wealth and status.

There's a winner of a recent dance competition who just got exposed as a huge racist.

She had alt the right moves.

Joe kept cheating at the limbo competition, my buddy pulled me aside and says:

"Man, how low can you go."

Toyota and Ford decided to do a rowing competition

They both got their best teams together and had them compete. The result was a disaster for Ford. The Toyota rowing team beat them by leagues.

Ford had a crisis meeting, hired the best analysts and consultants, and after half a year they came up with a conclusion: The Toyota rowing boat had ...

Poetry Competition

At the annual national poetry competition, it comes down to the two finalist. A professor of literature from New York City, and an Iowa pig farmer.
The judge lays down the rules. One minute to prepare, four verses, and the key word that must be included in the poem is Timbuktu!

The profess...

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If there was a saggy boob competition, my wife would beat everyone...

In fact, she'd wipe the floor with them...

What's the difference between the winner of a body building competition and a coach potato?

One has a trophy for muscles and the other has muscle atrophy.

Did you hear about the time Chad Muska lost the Tampa Pro competition?

He shed THREE MUSKA TEARS

A man walks into a bar and sees 2 steaks hanging from the ceiling.

He sits down and orders a beer, and asks the bartender
"what's the deal with the steaks?"

"It's a competition. If you can jump up and slap both steaks at the same time, one with each hand, you win the bar. If you try and fail, though, you pay for everyone's drinks for the rest of the nigh...

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I brought my cat to cat judging competition. I thought it went really poorly, but he did win an award for having the best butt.

It was a cat-ass-trophy

I decapitated myself for a mountain rolling competition.

I guess you could say I was ahead.

Why was the Flying Carpet racer banned from the competition?

He was caught using performance enhancing rugs.

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[NSFW] Jazz bar announces a competition for the vacancy of a pianist

Blues bar announces a competition for the vacancy of a pianist.

Lots of musicians come, including an old man in a really shabby suit. People start playing, and all of them kinda "meh". Then it's the old man's turn to play. He goes up the stage and announces:

\- Now I'm gonna play my s...

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