I recently entered a competition to see who had gained the most weight and lost the most hair.

Obviously, it wasn’t called that. It was advertised as a ‘School Reunion.’

Dr Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding competition and discovered....

he had seriously misunderstood the objective.

911 joke competition

Hey guys, me and some coworkers are doing a 911 joke competition that will end on 911. There are going to be 3 judges and I need help getting the best 911 jokes. Thank you.

I came second in a Winston Churchill lookalike competition.

Close, but no cigar.

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My cat won in a competition for having the best butt

Its a catastrophe

I went to Brisbane's hottest redhead competition

5000 people attended, and not a soul in sight

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I've just got back from the hospital where the nurse asked me " Could you masturbate in the cup?"

I thought, I'm good, but I'm not quite competition standard.

What do you call it when a cat wins a prize at a dog competition

A cat-has-trophy

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A guy and girl had sex poem competition

Guy: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I can put mine in yours, but you can't put yours in mine."


Girl: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I know the length of yours, but you won't know the depth of mine."

A man committed suicide after being rejected at a singing competition...

He just couldn't face the music.

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3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.
The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see tha...

There was a competition of submarines.

Three people joined, two of them were from the competition held the previous year. The two presented the same sub no difference but it was the same thing the judge had seen every single year.

The judge then left the two and went to the new competitor when he saw his it was the ugliest thing h...

1965 saw the invention of Gatorade, but the competition was fierce.

Florida State had made their own sports drink to give athletes an edge. However, their own "Seminole Fluid" just didn't sell.

I entered ten puns into a pun competition, hoping at least one would win

But no pun in ten did.

There was a competition at Sydney's center point tower.

Whoever could drop their watch from the tower, get to the bottom and then catch the watch will win $100000. A man from Western Australia tried his luck by dropping his watch and running down the stairs (if there are stairs). He picked up his broken watch and left. A man from Queensland dropped his w...

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Just took part in a blindfolded masturbating competition.

Fuck knows where I came.

What did Orion receive after losing an archery competition?

A constellation prize.

Who’s gonna win the cow weed smoking competition?

I’m not sure.... but the steaks are high

I baked a dog shaped dough in a local baking competition

It was pure-bread.

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Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition...

Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful.


The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happen...

I work at an Ink company in Spain. Yesterday I held a Competition about our company’s history. But looks like no one wanted to be a part of the

Spanish Ink Quiz Session

One day the king was hosting a competition

He gave every contestant a piece of lined paper, specifically with ten lines. “Write whatever you want on the paper, if you make me laugh, you win a full chest of gold. However if I don’t laugh, you will be sentenced to death” He said.

The first person came and wrote a funny story, using up a...

Two rival tailors had a competition to see who could cut and perfectly hem a six foot long piece of fabric the quickest.

The result was a tie.

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I was banned from a largest cock competition

Apparently I misunderstood the objective

Did you hear about the guy who lost the standing up competition?

Apparently he was defeated.

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There was a competition to find who could last the longest without masturbating.

I came first.

Three men, exhausted from selling colored automobile wheels all day, decided to enter in a competition

Three men, exhausted from selling colored automobile wheels all day, decided to enter in a competition: who could render a knot out of a multi-colored suit-tie the fastest. They went on, waited in line, and eventually competed against each other, however in the end they all had the same time.
...

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A blues club is holding a competition for the best blues performer.

Plenty of musicians show up, but among them is this one grizzled old bluesman. It's his turn to go on stage, so he sits on the piano and goes:

- This song is called: "I Will Slap You With My Dick All Night"

And he breaks out into a beautiful blues tune, after which half of the other mu...

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A dwarf enters a competition to see who can lift Mjolnir.

Thousands of people try, but of course, fail. Then it's the Dwarf's turn.

Thor himself is in fact in attendance, and takes great amusement when he sees the dwarf waddle up to the hammer.

He squats down, grabs the handle, and using all of his power, lifts the hammer.

The dwarf lo...

Poet competition

It is a great poet competition in England. The final is coming up and only two men are on stage. On one side an Irish country pastor. On the other an American globetrotter.

The jury announces the last competition: There must be a quatrain that ends in Timbuktu. Whoever speaks first, will win....

Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?

Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.

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If there was a competition for saggy tits, my wife would beat everyone.

In fact, she’d wipe the floor with them.

There's an innuendo competition in town tonight.

I'm thinking of entering my wife.

So a blonde is invited to a Lying competition

The goal of the competition is to tell the most convincing, outrageous lie. The blonde thinks for days and days over what lie she is going to tell but she is never able to come up with a good one.

On the day of the competition, she walks up on stage, still lacking a good lie. She reaches for ...

'One liner jokes' competition

A blonde and brunette were the best of friends and one day they came across a 'one liner competition'. They both admired comedy and hence they decided to give it a shot.


There were comedians, some established and some fresh talents, telling their best joke.


First came a Swedish...

I was in an art competition last week.

It ended in a draw.

What did the winner of the muscle loss competition get?

A-trophy

The MI5, the CIA and the KGB are having a competition

Three small parties of all three Agencies meet on neutral ground, on the edge of a big german forest.

For the goal of the competition, they decided that each of their parties should catch a rabbit, using their espionage skills. The party that manages to catch the rabbit the quickest, wins....

My town is holding their annual incest competition...

...I entered my sister.

There was a line drawing competition going on in Las Vegas...

The goal of the competition was to make the straightest line (7 ft long) with the weirdest material. Bobby Jay, a contestant, wanted to wow the judges so he could win the competition. So he decided to do something different.

Bobby wanted to make his line out of fruit punch, never seen before....

The FBI, CIA and KGB go into a forest for a rabbit hunting competition.

They each have 2 days to do it and whoever finds a rabbit the fastest wins. First, the FBI go in. They go in with the latest and greatest rabbit locating equipment, and it’s clear that they have prepared for a while. They come back after two days with a rabbit in hand. Next, the CIA go in. Their equ...

I entered a pun competition

Being a competitive sort, I scoured my brains for my very best puns, sorting them and analysing them by punningness, and finally submitting my very best top ten puns. I was sure I would win, or at least one would make the medals table.

But unfortunately no pun in ten did.

I won a wet t-shirt competition. Guess what I got?

Pneumonia.

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The United States and Britain are having a competition on who can fuck themselves up the most.

Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card.

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My therapist says my job is too stressful and driven by competition, so she recommended meditation.

I think I'm a natural talent. I finished my first 5 minute meditation in under 2 minutes 49 seconds.

I saw M. Night Shyamalan at a dancing competition today.

What a twist.

Three vampires are haveing a competition for who will get the most blood

The first vampire returns with a mouth full of blood. The other vampires ask him how did he get it. He says:"you see that tree? After it there is a village, I took blood from everyone there."
The second vampire goes and comes back with a face full of blood. He says: "you see that tree? After it ...

Why did Ash Ketchum enter a singing competition?

He heard there would be Gary-oake.

Coach: “My boy Kelvin here is gonna freeze out the competition.”

Interviewer: “Is that him over there?Wow, what an absolute unit!”

Dr. Frankenstein went to a body-building competition...

There was a terrible misunderstanding.

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A Radio talkshow have a competition for a new word....

As the show goes on there’s a few entries but nothing decent until a man called John dials in with his suggestion
Presenter : Hi John let’s hear what your suggestion is
John : My word is Goan
Presenter : Okay John can you use it in a sentence
John : Goan fuck your self
- Presenter cu...

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A local radio station was running a competition

A local radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: "96FM here, what's your name?"

Caller: "Hi, my name's Dave."

DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"<...

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There was a writing competition for a story that had: religion, sex and mystery.

The winning story was: "Oh god, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it!".

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Germany, Russia and Poland are competing in a vault breaking competition...

The rules of the competition are simple. There is a vault in the middle of a room. The light in the room is shut off for 3 seconds. In those 3 seconds the team can do whatever they want to the vault to try and get in. If the team manages to break into the vault before the light comes back on they ge...

If there was a competition for precision...

I'd come sixty seventh.

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I was in a blindfolded wanking competition the other day....

I’ve no idea where I came.





Sorry if repost, new to me.

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I was really disappointed when I came last in the astronomy competition, but they still gave me a map of the stars just for participating.

It was a constellation prize

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There was once a competition involving three gruelling tasks.

The participants had to do the following in immediate succession:

1)Drink five bottles of hard whiskey in one go.

2)Enter a room where there was a starving lion and pluck out its eyes with bare hands.

3)And then screw a very horny babe to her full satisfaction.

Many peop...

I lost the reverse hat wearing competition last night.

Just couldn’t get my head around it.

There's this Incest competition.

I'm going to enter my sister.

I heard that Chris Brown entered a Rihanna look-alike competition.

I thought he was insane, but you know what they say. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

I entered 10 puns in my local papers joke competition.

None of them won. In the response they told me no pun in 10 did.

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Sex competition

An Englishman and a Spaniard are in a bar in Amsterdam at midnight when they start bragging to each other about their sexual escapades. After several minutes of back and forth, the Englishman challenges the Spaniard to a contest.
"We'll go to the nearest brothel and see how many times we can shag...

Political joke competition in the USSR

Grand prize: 15 years

Three men from the same country enter a competition to see who has the most children.

As they enter the stadium, the enormous crowd starts cheering in excitement. The first man comes up, and his family of 20 accompanies him on stage. The second man comes up, revealing his enormous family of 60 members. The third man comes up on the stage, but nobody comes up with him. The crowd then ...

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Went to the sperm clinic earlier...

The lady asked if I'd like to masturbate in the cup.

I said "I'm good but not ready for competition just yet."

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At Oxford's men only English language competition, 200 males were participating

The challenge was to express Peacefulness, Happiness and Calmness in a single sentence.

The person who won the competition wrote....

"My wife is sleeping."







He also received standing ovation from the audience.

If there would be a competition for biggest failures...

I would probably fail in that competition too.

The flea jumping competition begins

Fleas from all over the country have gathered here today to take part in the contest. Expect an incredible show.

=

Team 1 from Muts-4-homes Animal Shelter take the stage.

=

The team lines up on the platform...

=

6 --
5 --
...

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician enter a competition

The goal is to surround 10 sheeps with the minimum amount of wood to be used as fence.

The engineer goes first. Armed with the knowledge that the best perimeter to area is a circle, gathers the sheep together and build a circular fence around them.

The crowd goes crazy! That is unbeata...

Last year, kitty litter companies everywhere took part in a competition...

a competition for 'who could create the best cat litter'--suggesting there was a 'huge trophy' for first place, but it all went horribly wrong.

They should've known, though, after all the grand prize was just one massive catastrophe.

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So Jesus and Satan get in an Excel spreadsheet competition...

One day in Heaven, Jesus and Satan are bickering nonstop about which of them is better than the other. "I'm better than you in every way!" says Satan. "No, I’m Earth’s savior. Clearly, I'm the best," says Jesus. After long enough, God can't take listening to them arguing anymore and says “ENOUGH! We...

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There's a penis beauty competition taking place in New York. The total prize pool is $10,000.

Wiener takes all.

There was a contortionist competition being held the other day

So I entered myself... And won

In the cheese competition, who is the judge?

The cheese grader

If there was a competition for procrastination...

I'd probably put that off til later too.

Netflix’s original content has some stiff competition.

I heard they’re shooting something at YouTube HQ today.

Frankenstein Enters a Competition

A body building competition. I don’t think he quite gets the objective.

What did the bird say when it was facing some competition?

Tou-can play it this game

Why did the scarecrow win the competition.

He was out-standing in his field.

The Pillsbury Doughboy didn’t make it very far in the baking competition.

He just couldn’t rise to the occasion

You know, if you and me were to have a sketching competition...

We'd draw

I entered a sketching competition.

Drew every round

A competition was held to determine the country with the best police force in the world

The finalists were U.S., China and Russia, and each were represented by a five-man team.

On the day of the competition, the three teams gathered outside Tongass National Forest in Alaska, alongside a few thousand cheering fans. U.N. Secretary General António Guterres opened the envelope conta...

After entering a limbo competition, Paul walks into a bar

He lost

Why did the squirrel judge the drag queen competition?

He is an expert at hiding nuts.

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International Police Competition

The UN holds an international police competition at a national park somewhere in Europe. The participating countries are France, Germany, and Turkey. The competition rules are whichever national police team catches a wild rabbit in the forest in the shortest amount of time wins the grand prize.
<...

There was a competition and the winner got the worlds best cuts of meat

All you had to do was jump up and grab one of the ribeyes they had dangling ten feet off the ground. If you missed you had to be a vegetarian for the rest of your life.

I didn’t do it though I couldn’t handle the pressure,
The steaks were too high.

I'm going to sabotage the winners' tents in the next boy scouts competition...

I'll knock them down a peg or two

Two guys were in a running competition

The first one said ”Hey! You dropped something!”

The other one, stopped and looked around confused. ”What did I drop?!”

”Your speed!” He replied as he ran into first place.

Whenever I win a competition people call me boastful and arrogant. But how can I be Low Key...

When I'm not the son of Odin.

We need to stop mixing races. By doing so it creates people with an unfair advantage when it comes to competition.

No matter how hard I try I still can't outrun a Nascar.

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american vs Russian in strong man competition.

In a world series of strong men, an American and a Russian made it to the finals. In the final they had to go in to 3 different rooms and fulfil 3 tasks

1. Drink 3 bottles of the strongest alcohol and come out on your feet

2. Break and bring back 2 teeth of a Lion

3. Fuck th...

The Rhyming Competition

The was a very classy rhyming competition and after a long day of working through the brackets there were only two contestants left.
While his opponent waited in a sound-proof room backstage, the defending champion takes the podium. His name is Preston Hughs, a scholar, gentleman, and has many of...

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi have a competition

They all have to find a bear, and convert it. A day passes, and they meet up again to see who won. The priest shows up with his bear dressed, and holding a bible. The minister shows up with a few scratches, and the rabbi shows up in a wheelchair.

"I baptized my bear in holy water, and read th...

There was a pun competition run by my local newspaper last week.

The prize was $100, so I was really excited, and entered my 10 best puns.

I checked hopefully this morning to see if any of my puns had won, but no pun in ten did.

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