It was the final of the national poetry competition

There were two finalists - one from the most prestigious university in the country, the other a country bumpkin from out West.

They were each given 20 seconds to compose a poem about Timbuktu.

Up steps the university student and he goes:
"On the lonely desert sands,
Crossed a lo...

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Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful

The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed.

"You see that mansion over there?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I went over...

I was excited to judge my first cooking competition

The local university was holding an iron chef style cooking competition where three students prepared a meal centering around a theme ingredient. The theme of the competition was turkey dinner, and before I knew it the kitchen was abuzz with the sounds and the smells of cooking.

After an hour...

The circus near my house started a competition to find the best contortionist

So I entered myself, and won.

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The United States and Britain are having a competition on who can fuck themselves up the most.

Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card.

I saw an ad for an innuendo competition in the paper

So I entered my sister

What does a Redditor say after winning a 1st place award in a competition?

EDIT: Thanks for the gold

During a recent fishing competition in England the fish were so scarce...

...that the prize was given to the competitor who caught the biggest cold.

---

Bonus joke from Henny Youngman:

A man says to another man, ‘Can you tell me how to get to Central Park?’

‘No.’

‘All right, I’ll mug you right here.’

What do you call a competition to judge who can consume the most tarts in the name of God?

A Piety Contest

Dirty Limerick Competition

Every year in this small village there used to be a dirty limerick competition and the same guy used to win competition every year. Last year he sent in his most disgusting flithy limerick ever and was stunned to find out he'd only come second. As the limericks were never published, the editor could...

A martial arts competition is taking place

There is a line to practice kicks, grapples and throws. But something’s missing....

Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen, and Dennis Rodman are set to compete against each other in a wordplay competition in Spain

The Punning Of The Bulls

Apple better watch its quarterly earnings, its latest iPhone has competition

It's called Charmin Ultra Soft

There was a competition of hiding potatoes and I won.

because my carbo-hide-rate was good.

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I recently enrolled my cat for beautiful butt competition

We won.

But everyone thinks it was a catastrophe!

I recently entered a competition to see who had gained the most weight and lost the most hair.



Obviously, it wasn’t called that. It was advertised as a ‘School Reunion.’

How do you become a winner and champion in Meat Shooting Competition?

By learning from your missed steaks.

Two comedians were having a judged competition for telling original knock, knock jokes.

They were both disqualified as the whole competition was essentially a knock off

I entered a kleptomania competition..

I got a gold, silver and bronze.

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If there was a competition for saggy tits, my wife would beat everyone.

In fact, she’d wipe the floor with them.

I will be attending a competition that takes place every 4 years to see which Irishmen has the worst case of Erectile Dysfuction.

Better known as The O'limpdicks.

This joke is really dumb but it still won me the joke competition.

It was the dumb best joke.

Hairstyle Competition

Hello, my name is John and I would like to tell you about the time I entered a hairstyle competition. You see, I have always loved trying out different hairstyles and colors. It is something I have put great effort into!

It was about February of last year that the idea of entering a hairstyle...

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Once there was a big dick competition at some place

This guy JOE really wanted to win this one as he thought he had a big dick. But he got late. He rushes to the place but the competition was already underway.
He goes straight to the judges and begs them to let him show his dick to audience and get some sweet-ass karma points from the public. He ...

I recently entered a computer coding competition.

I took home the gold with 0th place!

What’s the world’s biggest mushroom competition?

The champignon’s league.

I was really upset that I came in last at the karate competition yesterday.

I was kicking myself.

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I entered a blindfolded masturbation competition....

I still don't know where I came

What was my prize for coming first in the National "Thinnest Arms" competition.

Atrophy.

I entered an online pun competition with ten of my best puns hoping atleast one would win

No pun intended

Two submarines are trying to win a competition

Each one of them has to try and hit objects that are smaller and smaller in size.

Every day they choose an object in the ocean, and declare that the objective before trying to hit it:

*"Today we'll hit that sunken ship"* and off they go.

Then it's the other team's turn: ...

A lame joke I made up based on an existing joke. Sorry if it's bad.

One day Sean joined a quiz team.

He and his teammates studied really hard for a quiz competition.

On the night of the quiz competition, in the last round, Sean and his team was 1 point behind first place.

However, they had one more question that if answered correctly, would awar...

The MI5, the CIA and the KGB are having a competition

Three small parties of all three Agencies meet on neutral ground, on the edge of a big german forest.

For the goal of the competition, they decided that each of their parties should catch a rabbit, using their espionage skills. The party that manages to catch the rabbit the quickest, wins....

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An Australian radio host is running a competition to great a new word and ask callers to suggest one

Caller one : garn

Host : can you use it in a sentence?

Caller one : garn get fucked (hangs up)

Host : ok, let's try again again, what's your word?

Caller 2 : smee

Host : and can you use it in a sentence?

Caller two : smee again, garn get fucked

Igor Frankenstein entered a body building competition.

When he arrived, he realized he misunderstood the objective.

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I won the masturbation competition

Single-handedly.

What do you call it when a cat wins a prize at a dog competition

A cat-has-trophy

I am about to compete in the, flicking a ruler off the side of a desk, competition ...

It's held annually in France, in the Dordogne.

Why don't funeral homes hold surprise competitions?

They're always a dead giveaway.

I came second in a Winston Churchill lookalike competition.

Close, but no cigar.

At the sporting competition yesterday, the grand prize was made out of Tungsten.

I don't know about you, but that's a pretty big W for me

Did you see the BBQ competition in Denver?

It was really high steaks.

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There was a competition to find who could last the longest without masturbating.

I came first.

There was a competition at Sydney's center point tower.

Whoever could drop their watch from the tower, get to the bottom and then catch the watch will win $100000. A man from Western Australia tried his luck by dropping his watch and running down the stairs (if there are stairs). He picked up his broken watch and left. A man from Queensland dropped his w...

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A self-made millionaire decided that he was lonely and needed to find a mate. So, he organized a bit of a competition for it.

As his search neared the end he narrowed the choices down to four.

One was a doctor. She was a surgeon, made incredible money. She was focused and driven. Because she was so wealthy on her own, he knew she wasn't in it only for the money.

One was a lawyer. Again, a successful professio...

I went to Brisbane's hottest redhead competition

5000 people attended, and not a soul in sight

Two men are arguing over which has better friends..

They agree to a competition where they will each invite one friend out for a night on the town. Amid drinks both friends regale the group with stories and wit.

After both friends head out, one man says to the other "Who do you think won?"

The other man replies "I don't know, your guest...

Kayd Layd and Jake Lake are competitive twin brothers.

As toddlers they'd broken both arms racing to the top of an oak tree. As teens, they went to two different highschools so that they could compete against each other in their local Wrestling League.

"Those two," their family would say. "Those two are always trying to prove who's best." But the...

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Why does everyone want to be either first or second in a competition?

Nobody wants to be a turd.

I won a doorbell competition even though mine was missing.

They gave me the Nobel prize.

A man committed suicide after being rejected at a singing competition...

He just couldn't face the music.

1965 saw the invention of Gatorade, but the competition was fierce.

Florida State had made their own sports drink to give athletes an edge. However, their own "Seminole Fluid" just didn't sell.

the CEO of ryanair walked into a bar

Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair after arriving in a hotel in Manchester went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.

The barman said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."

Taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.

"We d...

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A guy and girl had sex poem competition

Guy: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I can put mine in yours, but you can't put yours in mine."


Girl: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I know the length of yours, but you won't know the depth of mine."

What did the winner of the muscle loss competition get?

A-trophy

Two rival tailors had a competition to see who could cut and perfectly hem a six foot long piece of fabric the quickest.

The result was a tie.

I baked a dog shaped dough in a local baking competition

It was pure-bread.

There was a competition of submarines.

Three people joined, two of them were from the competition held the previous year. The two presented the same sub no difference but it was the same thing the judge had seen every single year.

The judge then left the two and went to the new competitor when he saw his it was the ugliest thing h...

Three men, exhausted from selling colored automobile wheels all day, decided to enter in a competition

Three men, exhausted from selling colored automobile wheels all day, decided to enter in a competition: who could render a knot out of a multi-colored suit-tie the fastest. They went on, waited in line, and eventually competed against each other, however in the end they all had the same time.
...

I would tell you a joke about a TV competition

but you wouldn’t get the point

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A dwarf enters a competition to see who can lift Mjolnir.

Thousands of people try, but of course, fail. Then it's the Dwarf's turn.

Thor himself is in fact in attendance, and takes great amusement when he sees the dwarf waddle up to the hammer.

He squats down, grabs the handle, and using all of his power, lifts the hammer.

The dwarf lo...

One day the king was hosting a competition

He gave every contestant a piece of lined paper, specifically with ten lines. “Write whatever you want on the paper, if you make me laugh, you win a full chest of gold. However if I don’t laugh, you will be sentenced to death” He said.

The first person came and wrote a funny story, using up a...

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I was banned from a largest cock competition

Apparently I misunderstood the objective

What did Orion receive after losing an archery competition?

A constellation prize.

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Sex competition

An Englishman and a Spaniard are in a bar in Amsterdam at midnight when they start bragging to each other about their sexual escapades. After several minutes of back and forth, the Englishman challenges the Spaniard to a contest.
"We'll go to the nearest brothel and see how many times we can shag...

So a blonde goes to a lying competition

The goal of the competition is to tell the most convincing, outrageous lie. The blonde thinks for days and days over what lie she is going to tell but she is never able to come up with a good one.

On the day of the competition, she walks up on stage, still lacking a good lie. She reaches for ...

Don't sell drugs

Government hates competition

Who’s gonna win the cow weed smoking competition?

I’m not sure.... but the steaks are high

I was in an art competition last week.

It ended in a draw.

The FBI, CIA and KGB go into a forest for a rabbit hunting competition.

They each have 2 days to do it and whoever finds a rabbit the fastest wins. First, the FBI go in. They go in with the latest and greatest rabbit locating equipment, and it’s clear that they have prepared for a while. They come back after two days with a rabbit in hand. Next, the CIA go in. Their equ...

There's an innuendo competition in town tonight.

I'm thinking of entering my wife.

I work at an Ink company in Spain. Yesterday I held a Competition about our company’s history. But looks like no one wanted to be a part of the

Spanish Ink Quiz Session

The Democrats are having trouble gaining traction for any of their candidates, so

They have asked Anthony Wiener to run for President and he would have Eric Holder as his VP.


They say it's the Wiener-Holder ticket. They will beat the competition, be hard on crime, and get a grip on the big issues.


They will get to meat of it all.

'One liner jokes' competition

A blonde and brunette were the best of friends and one day they came across a 'one liner competition'. They both admired comedy and hence they decided to give it a shot.


There were comedians, some established and some fresh talents, telling their best joke.


First came a Swedish...

My city is holding their annual incest competition...

I've entered my sister...

Dr. Frankenstein went to a body-building competition...

There was a terrible misunderstanding.

Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?

Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.

Poet competition

It is a great poet competition in England. The final is coming up and only two men are on stage. On one side an Irish country pastor. On the other an American globetrotter.

The jury announces the last competition: There must be a quatrain that ends in Timbuktu. Whoever speaks first, will win....

Coach: “My boy Kelvin here is gonna freeze out the competition.”

Interviewer: “Is that him over there?Wow, what an absolute unit!”

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A blues club is holding a competition for the best blues performer.

Plenty of musicians show up, but among them is this one grizzled old bluesman. It's his turn to go on stage, so he sits on the piano and goes:

- This song is called: "I Will Slap You With My Dick All Night"

And he breaks out into a beautiful blues tune, after which half of the other mu...

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My therapist says my job is too stressful and driven by competition, so she recommended meditation.

I think I'm a natural talent. I finished my first 5 minute meditation in under 2 minutes 49 seconds.

Why does Russia have so little Covid-19 cases compared to other major countries?

They got banned from the competition by the WHO.

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I tried out for a porno once, but I didn’t get the part...

A lot of stiff competition

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician enter a competition

The goal is to surround 10 sheeps with the minimum amount of wood to be used as fence.

The engineer goes first. Armed with the knowledge that the best perimeter to area is a circle, gathers the sheep together and build a circular fence around them.

The crowd goes crazy! That is unbeata...

I won a wet t-shirt competition. Guess what I got?

Pneumonia.

Why did Chewbacca place last in the competition?

Because he’s just a Wookiee!

Political joke competition in the USSR

Grand prize: 15 years

There's this Incest competition.

I'm going to enter my sister.

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A local radio station was running a competition

A local radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: "96FM here, what's your name?"

Caller: "Hi, my name's Dave."

DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"<...

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A Radio talkshow have a competition for a new word....

As the show goes on there’s a few entries but nothing decent until a man called John dials in with his suggestion
Presenter : Hi John let’s hear what your suggestion is
John : My word is Goan
Presenter : Okay John can you use it in a sentence
John : Goan fuck your self
- Presenter cu...

I saw M. Night Shyamalan at a dancing competition today.

What a twist.

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So Jesus and Satan get in an Excel spreadsheet competition...

One day in Heaven, Jesus and Satan are bickering nonstop about which of them is better than the other. "I'm better than you in every way!" says Satan. "No, I’m Earth’s savior. Clearly, I'm the best," says Jesus. After long enough, God can't take listening to them arguing anymore and says “ENOUGH! We...

Why did Ash Ketchum enter a singing competition?

He heard there would be Gary-oake.

The flea jumping competition begins

Fleas from all over the country have gathered here today to take part in the contest. Expect an incredible show.

=

Team 1 from Muts-4-homes Animal Shelter take the stage.

=

The team lines up on the platform...

=

6 --
5 --
...

The lion’s birthday is coming up and he wants entertainment.

So he tells the zebra to find the funniest animal in the whole kingdom. In order to do this the zebra decides to hold a competition in which animals will have to compete in front of a judge. Whoever the first one to makemake the judge laugh wins and will perform for the lion.

So the first thi...

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There was once a competition involving three gruelling tasks.

The participants had to do the following in immediate succession:

1)Drink five bottles of hard whiskey in one go.

2)Enter a room where there was a starving lion and pluck out its eyes with bare hands.

3)And then screw a very horny babe to her full satisfaction.

Many peop...

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I was really disappointed when I came last in the astronomy competition, but they still gave me a map of the stars just for participating.

It was a constellation prize

Why was Dr.frankinstine banned from the convention center?

He vastly misunderstood what a body building competition was.

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