I recently entered a competition to see who had gained the most weight and lost the most hair.

Obviously, it wasn’t called that. It was advertised as a ‘School Reunion.’

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3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.
The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see tha...

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I was banned from a largest cock competition

Apparently I misunderstood the objective

I entered an online pun competition with ten of my best puns hoping atleast one would win

No pun in 10 did

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Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition...

Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful.


The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happen...

One day the king was hosting a competition

He gave every contestant a piece of lined paper, specifically with ten lines. “Write whatever you want on the paper, if you make me laugh, you win a full chest of gold. However if I don’t laugh, you will be sentenced to death” He said.

The first person came and wrote a funny story, using up a...

So a blonde is invited to a Lying competition

The goal of the competition is to tell the most convincing, outrageous lie. The blonde thinks for days and days over what lie she is going to tell but she is never able to come up with a good one.

On the day of the competition, she walks up on stage, still lacking a good lie. She reaches for ...

Poet competition

It is a great poet competition in England. The final is coming up and only two men are on stage. On one side an Irish country pastor. On the other an American globetrotter.

The jury announces the last competition: There must be a quatrain that ends in Timbuktu. Whoever speaks first, will win....

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God holds a competition to go to heaven.....

God holds a competition to go to heaven where you have to climb 100 steps and you reach heaven but if you fail you go to hell. Three guys decide hey want to try it out so they start climbing.

after 25 steps god shows up and tells one of the guys a joke, he bursts out laughing and goes to hell...

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If there was a competition for saggy tits, my wife would beat everyone.

In fact, she’d wipe the floor with them.

My therapist says my job is too stressful and driven by competition, so she recommended meditation.

I think I'm a natural talent. I finished my first 5 minute meditation in under 2 minutes 49 seconds.

There's an innuendo competition in town tonight.

I'm thinking of entering my wife.

I was in an art competition last week.

It ended in a draw.

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A dwarf enters a competition to see who can lift Mjolnir.

Thousands of people try, but of course, fail. Then it's the Dwarf's turn.

Thor himself is in fact in attendance, and takes great amusement when he sees the dwarf waddle up to the hammer.

He squats down, grabs the handle, and using all of his power, lifts the hammer.

The dwarf lo...

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There was a competition to find who could last the longest without masturbating.

I came first.

Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?

Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.

There was a line drawing competition going on in Las Vegas...

The goal of the competition was to make the straightest line (7 ft long) with the weirdest material. Bobby Jay, a contestant, wanted to wow the judges so he could win the competition. So he decided to do something different.

Bobby wanted to make his line out of fruit punch, never seen before....

My town is holding their annual incest competition...

...I entered my sister.

Why did the priest beat the demon at a bodybuilding competition?

Because the priest knew how to exorcise

Frankenstein enters a bodybuilding competition

On the day of the competition, he finds that he has seriously misunderstood the objective

The MI5, the CIA and the KGB are having a competition

Three small parties of all three Agencies meet on neutral ground, on the edge of a big german forest.

For the goal of the competition, they decided that each of their parties should catch a rabbit, using their espionage skills. The party that manages to catch the rabbit the quickest, wins....

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There's a bucket carrying competition.

Competitors have to carry water filled buckets.
First dude picks 2 bucket, 2 in both hands.
Second dude picks 3, 2 in both hands and hangs 3rd on his dick.
Third dude wins the competition by lifting 5 buckets, 2 in both hands and the Second dude on his dick.

I won a wet t-shirt competition. Guess what I got?

Pneumonia.

The FBI, CIA and KGB go into a forest for a rabbit hunting competition.

They each have 2 days to do it and whoever finds a rabbit the fastest wins. First, the FBI go in. They go in with the latest and greatest rabbit locating equipment, and it’s clear that they have prepared for a while. They come back after two days with a rabbit in hand. Next, the CIA go in. Their equ...

Three vampires are haveing a competition for who will get the most blood

The first vampire returns with a mouth full of blood. The other vampires ask him how did he get it. He says:"you see that tree? After it there is a village, I took blood from everyone there."
The second vampire goes and comes back with a face full of blood. He says: "you see that tree? After it ...

What did the winner of the muscle loss competition get?

A-trophy

I saw M. Night Shyamalan at a dancing competition today.

What a twist.

Why did Ash Ketchum enter a singing competition?

He heard there would be Gary-oake.

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A town holds a poetry competition every year

The participants are given a word for that year and everybody must make up a poem on the spot using that word. The competition has dwindled down to only two contestants. For the final round, the two finalists must make up a poem using the word "Timbuktu."

The first guy goes to the podium and...

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A Radio talkshow have a competition for a new word....

As the show goes on there’s a few entries but nothing decent until a man called John dials in with his suggestion
Presenter : Hi John let’s hear what your suggestion is
John : My word is Goan
Presenter : Okay John can you use it in a sentence
John : Goan fuck your self
- Presenter cu...

My friend entered a sausage making competition

His entry was the wurst

If there was a competition for precision...

I'd come sixty seventh.

I lost the reverse hat wearing competition last night.

Just couldn’t get my head around it.

Dr. Frankenstein went to a body-building competition...

There was a terrible misunderstanding.

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I was in a blindfolded wanking competition the other day....

I’ve no idea where I came.





Sorry if repost, new to me.

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The United States and Britain are having a competition on who can fuck themselves up the most.

Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card.

Coach: “My boy Kelvin here is gonna freeze out the competition.”

Interviewer: “Is that him over there?Wow, what an absolute unit!”

Political joke competition in the USSR

Grand prize: 15 years

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I was really disappointed when I came last in the astronomy competition, but they still gave me a map of the stars just for participating.

It was a constellation prize

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There was once a competition involving three gruelling tasks.

The participants had to do the following in immediate succession:

1)Drink five bottles of hard whiskey in one go.

2)Enter a room where there was a starving lion and pluck out its eyes with bare hands.

3)And then screw a very horny babe to her full satisfaction.

Many peop...

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There was a writing competition for a story that had: religion, sex and mystery.

The winning story was: "Oh god, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it!".

I heard that Chris Brown entered a Rihanna look-alike competition.

I thought he was insane, but you know what they say. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

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Germany, Russia and Poland are competing in a vault breaking competition...

The rules of the competition are simple. There is a vault in the middle of a room. The light in the room is shut off for 3 seconds. In those 3 seconds the team can do whatever they want to the vault to try and get in. If the team manages to break into the vault before the light comes back on they ge...

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A local radio station was running a competition

A local radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: "96FM here, what's your name?"

Caller: "Hi, my name's Dave."

DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"<...

I entered 10 puns in my local papers joke competition.

None of them won. In the response they told me no pun in 10 did.

Did you hear about the kid who won the ALS competition?

He won atrophy for first place.

If there would be a competition for biggest failures...

I would probably fail in that competition too.

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At Oxford's men only English language competition, 200 males were participating

The challenge was to express Peacefulness, Happiness and Calmness in a single sentence.

The person who won the competition wrote....

"My wife is sleeping."

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He also received standing ovation from the audience.

There was a contortionist competition being held the other day

So I entered myself... And won

I saw some cows having a weed smoking competition the other day.

It was very high steaks.

In the cheese competition, who is the judge?

The cheese grader

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Went to the sperm clinic earlier...

The lady asked if I'd like to masturbate in the cup.

I said "I'm good but not ready for competition just yet."

Frankenstein Enters a Competition

A body building competition. I don’t think he quite gets the objective.

What did the bird say when it was facing some competition?

Tou-can play it this game

A young couple won a marijuana cigarratte rolling competition...

It was a joint effort.

If there was a competition for procrastination...

I'd probably put that off til later too.

There's this Incest competition.

I'm going to enter my sister.

Three men from the same country enter a competition to see who has the most children.

As they enter the stadium, the enormous crowd starts cheering in excitement. The first man comes up, and his family of 20 accompanies him on stage. The second man comes up, revealing his enormous family of 60 members. The third man comes up on the stage, but nobody comes up with him. The crowd then ...

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Sex competition

An Englishman and a Spaniard are in a bar in Amsterdam at midnight when they start bragging to each other about their sexual escapades. After several minutes of back and forth, the Englishman challenges the Spaniard to a contest.
"We'll go to the nearest brothel and see how many times we can shag...

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There's a penis beauty competition taking place in New York. The total prize pool is $10,000.

Wiener takes all.

The Pillsbury Doughboy didn’t make it very far in the baking competition.

He just couldn’t rise to the occasion

You know, if you and me were to have a sketching competition...

We'd draw

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So Jesus and Satan get in an Excel spreadsheet competition...

One day in Heaven, Jesus and Satan are bickering nonstop about which of them is better than the other. "I'm better than you in every way!" says Satan. "No, I’m Earth’s savior. Clearly, I'm the best," says Jesus. After long enough, God can't take listening to them arguing anymore and says “ENOUGH! We...

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician enter a competition

The goal is to surround 10 sheeps with the minimum amount of wood to be used as fence.

The engineer goes first. Armed with the knowledge that the best perimeter to area is a circle, gathers the sheep together and build a circular fence around them.

The crowd goes crazy! That is unbeata...

Netflix’s original content has some stiff competition.

I heard they’re shooting something at YouTube HQ today.

After entering a limbo competition, Paul walks into a bar

He lost

The flea jumping competition begins

Fleas from all over the country have gathered here today to take part in the contest. Expect an incredible show.

=

Team 1 from Muts-4-homes Animal Shelter take the stage.

=

The team lines up on the platform...

=

6 --
5 --
...

Why did the scarecrow win the competition.

He was out-standing in his field.

I entered a sketching competition.

Drew every round

Why did the squirrel judge the drag queen competition?

He is an expert at hiding nuts.

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International Police Competition

The UN holds an international police competition at a national park somewhere in Europe. The participating countries are France, Germany, and Turkey. The competition rules are whichever national police team catches a wild rabbit in the forest in the shortest amount of time wins the grand prize.
<...

There was a competition and the winner got the worlds best cuts of meat

All you had to do was jump up and grab one of the ribeyes they had dangling ten feet off the ground. If you missed you had to be a vegetarian for the rest of your life.

I didn’t do it though I couldn’t handle the pressure,
The steaks were too high.

A competition was held to determine the country with the best police force in the world

The finalists were U.S., China and Russia, and each were represented by a five-man team.

On the day of the competition, the three teams gathered outside Tongass National Forest in Alaska, alongside a few thousand cheering fans. U.N. Secretary General António Guterres opened the envelope conta...

I'm going to sabotage the winners' tents in the next boy scouts competition...

I'll knock them down a peg or two

We need to stop mixing races. By doing so it creates people with an unfair advantage when it comes to competition.

No matter how hard I try I still can't outrun a Nascar.

Whenever I win a competition people call me boastful and arrogant. But how can I be Low Key...

When I'm not the son of Odin.

My wife and I are having a competition on who can steal the most dog related stuff from our local pet shop.

I've just taken the lead

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi have a competition

They all have to find a bear, and convert it. A day passes, and they meet up again to see who won. The priest shows up with his bear dressed, and holding a bible. The minister shows up with a few scratches, and the rabbi shows up in a wheelchair.

"I baptized my bear in holy water, and read th...

I got banned from a conga competition the other day...

I was way out of line!

A foot model was on his way to a competition whilst walking through a forest...

...He passed by a lumberjack who accidentally let go of his axe and ended up dismembering one of the model's precious digits.

Thinking quickly the lumberjack bandaged up the model's foot with some nearby foliage and helped the model limp to his event.

When they got there the on site do...

Two guys were in a running competition

The first one said ”Hey! You dropped something!”

The other one, stopped and looked around confused. ”What did I drop?!”

”Your speed!” He replied as he ran into first place.

There was a pun competition run by my local newspaper last week.

The prize was $100, so I was really excited, and entered my 10 best puns.

I checked hopefully this morning to see if any of my puns had won, but no pun in ten did.

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american vs Russian in strong man competition.

In a world series of strong men, an American and a Russian made it to the finals. In the final they had to go in to 3 different rooms and fulfil 3 tasks

1. Drink 3 bottles of the strongest alcohol and come out on your feet

2. Break and bring back 2 teeth of a Lion

3. Fuck th...

This year they had the bondage competition

It ended in a tie

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It was the finals of a poetry competition

The finalists: An English Professor and A Redneck. The judge says, “Here is your task. Write a 4 line poem that ends with the word Timbuktu”

The English prof goes first on stage. His poem:


Slowly across the desert sand

Ran a dusty caravan

Men in camels, two by two,...

What did the bear photographer bring to the body building competition?

Polaroids.

The CIA, Mi6, and KGB all meet for a competition [LONG]

Dropped off on a deserted island each team is tasked with the same mission. Go into the jungle and catch a rabbit. Fastest time wins.

The CIA team goes first, within 5 minutes they come out with a rabbit squirming around in hand. As the the other teams seem mildly impressed.

Next,...

What do you get for winning the "Staying in Bed the Longest" competition?

Atrophy

I saw Frankenstein walk into a body-building competition

He took the name of the competition way too seriously!

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Jesus and Satan are having a competition...

... to see who is the better Excel user. God is the judge.

Satan is killing it. He has pivot tables, graphs, macros. Jesus is doing ok - he has a few columns of data, some basic graphs and some formulae.

The time is nearing the 2hour time limit and suddenly the power goes off. Satan is...

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Internet recipe competition

There was a new competition for people to post their favorite recipes and the prize for the winner was to be featured on the front page of the local newspaper and the town website.

In an effort to save time and effort, the participants were told to submit these recipes online.

People ...

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I got fired from my job because the competition was stiff, and I just didn't measure up.

Porn is a hard job.

Did you hear the one about the baker who dominated the pastry competition through determination and superior sugar content?

He went in all buns glazing.

I just lost a grass growing competition.

The grass was Greener on the other side

Did you hear the Little Engine that Could is going to be on a dance competition?

The show is going to be called “So You Think You Can?”

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The FBI, Interpol and Mumbai police are having a competition as to who is the best detective squad.

The test is simple. They leave a rabbit into the woods and the team who finds the rabbit in the fastest time wins.

Interpol goes first. They go into the forest, hunt for clues, interrogate the animals, set a trap for the rabbit at its favorite watering hole and within a month, they have captu...

My dad just won the nonexistent Grammy joke competition.

We're watching the Grammys as a family when the Sam Hunt and Carrie Underwood performance came up. We watched it in silence and then talked about the performance once it finished. My mother thought Sam Hunt looked similar to someone and thus the joke begins:

Mom: "Hmm. That guy looks like som...

There's an international multi-event competition for military spouses, but the same team wins every year.

The Swiss Army Wives.

Pun competition

When I was a kid, our local newspaper held monthly competitions for the local youth. Submit your best joke/pun/riddle, the best one wins $50 and a photo with the mayor. One month I decide to give it a go and submit 10 puns. I sent in my best ones trying to win, but No Pun In Ten Did.

I came second in a pasta making competition

I would have won if it wasn't for a Fusilli mistakes!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I recently entered a blindfolded masturbation competition...

I haven't seen the results yet so I've no idea where I came...

Pun competition

One day, a man was sitting at home with a beer in hand when he read about a pun competition being held downtown. He got up early the next morning and came up with the best puns he had ever seen, and entered his 10 best puns hoping he would win, but unfortunately no pun in 10 did.

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