UPJOKE
prizetrophymedalhonorgrantaccoladehonournobel prizeexcellenceemmyscholarshiposcarcommendationhonorarycontribution

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

The Dendrologists of the Year Award was given today.

I was in the top tree!!!

Did you hear about the award winning science film about oil and water?

It’s immiscable.

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.'

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot ...

Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother…

Sudden Lee

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A guy walks into a bar and says. "Give me 10 shots of tequila, line 'em up!"

The bartender does and the guy proceeds to slam the 10 shots down at machine gun pace. The bartender says, "Damn man, what's all this for?"

The guys says, "My first blowjob." The bartender says, "Well shit dude, that's something to celebrate, have another on the house!" The guy says, "No than...

I won the "most secretive guy in my office" award.

I can't tell you how much this means to me.

My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but he wasn’t awarded the gold medal.

The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.

What's the best part of the multi awarded game Stray

The Cat-scenes.

My wife accused me of achieving nothing...

So I told her "well I won the Leslie Neilsen award at school."

"What's that?" she said

"It's a big building with kids in it"

John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
...

i got an award for being humble.

I obviously didnt accept it.

And the Oscar Award for best special effects (Which is related to stuff that simulates things that are fictional/do not exist) goes to...

An honest politician.

How many Texas cops does it take to save children from an active shooter?

Still under investigation.







Edit: For those who assume I think any part of this situation is funny... [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black\_comedy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_comedy). Also who gave me a Wholesome award? That's seriously messed up.

Edit ...

A farmer was declared missing when he didn't show up to an award ceremony in his honor...

They found him out standing in his field.

A French, a Brit, and an American are on an expedition in the Amazon

They are captured by a tribe of natives. The chief says to them, "you must die for intruding our land. But it is our custom to allow you to choose your own death."

After some time, the Frenchman says, "my great grandfather died by sword while fighting for France, I shall do the same to honor ...

What is a Pirate's favorite letter?

The one from the General Manager telling him he's been traded to the Mets.



Thanks to everyone who awarded this post! You're so kind .

Why were the wives of a polygamist awarded a degree in physics?

For splitting an Adam.

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George raises his beer mug in the air and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life having sex with my wife!" The bar is filled with whistles and claps, and the bartender even gives him a ribbon that says, "Best Toast of the Month".

When George gets home, he shows his wife, Linda, the ribbon. "And what exactly was your award-winning toast?" she asks.

George thinks for a while and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife."

The next day when George is at work, Linda is walking down ...

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My favorite burn I've gotten for being trans

I was born female and transitioned to male. Early on in my transition, my gf and I were playing a video game, and I called her a noob when she died.

Her: Yeah okay Pinocchio.

Me: Pinocchio?

Her: You know... "I want to be a real boy!"

Edit: thanks for all the support and a...

Who has 2 thumbs and wants a lot of awards for no effort?

That would be me.

Love you all, have a terrific day!

An artist goes on stage to receive an award

I wanna thank my legs, for supporting me.

My arms, for always being by my side.

My fingers, because I can always count on them.

And finally sidewalks, for keeping me off the street.

I got the 'Best Shoplifter Award' the other day!

I didn't win it though.

A medieval king was hunting in Africa. He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom. Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.

As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.

Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elep...

- Congratulations ! You’ve just won the most-awkward-situations award

-really?!!

-not you , the dude on your right

What sort of pasta do you use if you want to fix a musical theatre award?

Rigatoni

Nobel award winning physicist and his limo driver

A Nobel award winning physicist, who was afraid of flying, was on speaking tour of the nation's top colleges. He travelled by limousine to each destination to give his speech. After two dozen engagements, the physicist and the limousine driver were having dinner before the next speech. The limousine...

I was driving past a mental asylum

I was driving past a mental asylum when all of a sudden my tire comes off and rolls down the hill along with the nuts.

I was so angry I started cussing on my way down the hill to collect the tire because I couldn’t find the nuts, which grabbed the attention of someone in the asylum, he said I...

I won a scentific reward today!

I actually made a helpful contribution to humanity! the scientific community has rewarded my work!


I can't wait to display this new "darwin award" I got!

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A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer meet each week for a game of golf.

One day, they get stuck behind the slowest group of players they had ever seen. They were hitting the balls all over the place, getting stuck in just about every trap and patch of rough, and missing just about every putt.

Finally, the group gets frustrated and heads to the clubhouse to find ...

My wife won a regional Tastiest Coochie award

She won't stop rubbing it in my face

And the award for best neckwear goes to...

...well would you look at that, it's a tie.

Did you hear about the chef that won an award for his chickpea recipe after he died?

It was awarded post hummus.

Did you hear Twisted Sister performed for the "Geologist of the Year" award ceremony?

They played "I Won A Rock!"

What award…

actually slightly increases the average intelligence of country when given out?
The Herman Cain Award

Did you hear about the guy who won an award for having the most extra body parts?

He won the Chernobyl Piece Prize.

Showerthoughts sub has a new sub for its highest awarded posts but it’s NSFW

r/Goldenshowerthoughts

What award did the deceased chick pea receive?

A posthummus award

sesame street awards

If sesame street had an awards show would they be handing out Oscars?

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A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: Talking Dog For Sale. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says,

"Well, I ...

What kind of award do you give someone who has not moved a muscle in over a year?

A trophy.

Did you hear the Cookie Monster got Covid?

The CDC confirmed it was the om-nom-nom-nom-icron variant.




Edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger!

Edit 2: Thank you everyone for the awards. Just trying to brighten everyone's day with a little joke. I hope this joke spreads far and wide....like Covid. Stay safe everybody...

I can’t wait to get my first award

Sadly it’s from myself

Why did the Fox News Christmas tree catch fire?

They left it too close to the gaslight.

So a village boy and a modern girl fall in love and want to try 69

The boy doesn’t know about 69 so the girl takes the lead.

He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts out uncontrollably directly in his face. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises.

She squats down for another go but farts again, thi...

Whoever invented the knock knock joke should get an award.

Like no bell prize.

Mr Palmer was given the cow farmer of the year award today.

He said "this is the first time I've had a pat on the back"

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For many, figuring out who to give the free Reddit award will be similar to choosing who to lose your virginity to.

For some: it’s not a big deal, you’ll have fun with it, and it’ll be whoever you see in the moment.

For others: you’ll overthink it and fumble deciding. Soon the moment will pass and you’ll be a virgin forever.

A contest in South Korea awarded a small amount of money for a large item of food...

A one ton wonton won ten won.

The Flat Earth society have made a new documentary....

.....which has been nominated for the Golden Globe award.

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Nsfw An aussie man calls emergency services while camping with his wife

Operator: "Emergency services how can we help you mate"

Man: "Please help! me sheila got bitten in her minge by a mozzie and its all swollen and now we can't have sex!"

Operator: "Oh bummer mate..."

Man: "Oh thanks mate never thought of that!"
*Hangs up

Never thought Netflix would produce an award-winning series watched by tens of millions around the world. But hey...

Stranger Things have happened.

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I have a really funny joke about participation awards

Actually, never mind, you had to be there to get it

Why cant you trust Italians at an award ceremony?

They've been known to rig a Tony

Two professors were at an award ceremony.

An interviewer approached them.
"Sorry to ask but everyone has been wondering, which one of you is cleverer?"

The first professor smiled modestly.
"I don't want to boast. But i also don't want to be dishonest...."

The second professor interrupted

"And yet you've managed to...

The laziest person award

There was an award ceremony for the laziest person in the world. Many lazy people came to the award show but nobody among them was awarded. Turns out the laziest person was too lazy to attend the award show.


So they went to the laziest persons house to give him the award in person. He wa...

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On Air Confession

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or serio...

nothing just checking if i can give my free award to my self

read title

The local dentist received an award for being the best dentist in town. Know what they gave him?

A little plaque.

I made an award that looked like a cat's rear end, but nobody liked it.

It was a catastrophe.

What award does NASA give the astronauts that board their spacecraft particularly quickly?

The starship -enter-prize.

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds.

An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town’s cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back t...

We've all heard about Russian Roulette but how many of you have heard about Indian Roulette?

They give you a flute and six large deadly cobras.

And one of the cobras is deaf.

You can tell a bad joke from a good home by the number of awards it has...

See above.

Did you hear about that time Einstein panicked while hosting an awards show?

He equals emcee scared.

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I brought my cat to cat judging competition. I thought it went really poorly, but he did win an award for having the best butt.

It was a cat-ass-trophy

I watched the Indian version of How I Met Your Mother…

There’s just one episode and it is about the wedding.

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Guy gets a hotel room and asks for a hooker

A man heads to a seedy hotel to rent a room and asks the clerk where to find a prostitute.

The clerk says not to worry, he'll send one to the man's room in a few minutes.

The man goes to his room and sure enough, a few minutes later a prostitute knocks on his door.

"Hi honey, ho...

I had a friend ask me how to get an award...

I said it's a piece of cake!

What award do they give to the thinnest person in the world?

The No-Belly Prize

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A good percentage of my friends are Nazis

That percentage is zero, that’s a good percentage of Nazi friends to have

Edit: Holy SHIT I did not expect this to blow up lmfao thank you for the awards!
and fuck da haterz

My uncle got an award for not wearing a mask.

The Darwin Award.

/r/Jokes/ wins Friend of the Planet award!

for 95% recycled content.

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My 9 year old just told me this joke and I thought I would share

What do you call rich peanut butter?

Jif Bezos

My friend is selling sells his award winning Doberman

When asked why he replied. "It attacked and killed my mother-in-law last week and I don't need it anymore.

After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than him

“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.”

God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?”

“Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the ...

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My grandfather was complaining yesterday: “your generation is so fragile with your participation awards”...

says the guy who lost the war and still wears medals

"I do not tolerate tardiness," a professor tells his class at the beginning on the semester.

Looking out at the sea of stricken faces in the large lecture hall he continues. "There are 300 of you, and only one of me. I will not allow you to waste my time. If you are late to class, I will count you as absent for the day. If you hand in an assignment late, it will not count towards your grade...

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Us men can be great at multi-tasking too!

Ever tried jerking off, watching porn and keeping an eye on the door for intruders at the same time?

I heard there was a new soundproof room design that was award-winning

It got a no bel prize.

Three scientists were awarded the Nobel Prize for their work on black holes. The Trump Administration immediately objected

and said that research would should be directed towards white holes as well.

They gave me the ‘most illiterate kid in school’ award

I was so upset that I couldn’t even read my speech

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