I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal.

>!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Giv!< >!ve !< >!You!< >!Up,!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Let!< >!You!< >...

And the award for best neckwear goes to...

...well would you look at that, it's a tie.

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

My roommate is 2 days younger than me

So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was your age...” and then describing what I did 2 days ago

Whoever invented the knock knock joke should get an award.

Like no bell prize.

My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal.

China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.

An atheist is hiking in the woods...

So an atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror "Oh God, help me!!!"

Suddenly, everything--> the bear, the trees, the birds, everything bu...

What award does NASA give the astronauts that board their spacecraft particularly quickly?

The starship -enter-prize.

Did you hear about the scarecrow that just won an award?

Apparantly he was outstanding in his field

What does a Redditor say after winning a 1st place award in a competition?

EDIT: Thanks for the gold

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds.

An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town’s cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back t...

An OB/GYN won an award for delivering a record number of babies in their career.

The Crowning Achievement

A silver award is like me...

Useless.

If Trump were captain of the RMs Titanic

Captain Trump of the RMS Titanic:

There isn't any iceberg.
There was an iceberg but it's in a totally different ocean.
The iceberg is in this ocean but it will melt very soon.
There is an iceberg but we didn't hit the iceberg.
We hit the iceberg, but the damage will be ...

Years ago I won a tony for my work in the theatre, but year after year went by and my dull attempts to win another were in vain. Then, one day I wrote a play about how I changed my routine and began to lead an exciting life. For this I won another award.

You could say I’ve broken out of monotony

The laziest person award

There was an award ceremony for the laziest person in the world. Many lazy people came to the award show but nobody among them was awarded. Turns out the laziest person was too lazy to attend the award show.


So they went to the laziest persons house to give him the award in person. He wa...

imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.

there would be mass confusion.

They told me i wouldn’t be good at poetry because i’m dyslexic

But so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.

Just discovered there is an award you can give that doesn't require buying any coins!

I've been handing out orange and blue arrows ever since.

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I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months......

Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Reddit user, a Reddit user, and a Reddit user walk into a bar.

The first one orders a coke. Five minutes later the second one orders a coke and the whole bar starts cheering, another five minutes later the third one orders a coke and the whole city erupts in thunderous applause.

Edit: whoever wasted money on giving me silver, I'd like you to know that I'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was once on course to win the Best Blowjob of the Year Award

But I blew it.

I got an award for pickpocketing

I didn't win it though

After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than him

“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.”

God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?”

“Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the ...

I guess China finally got what they want

They managed to coronise the world.

What do you call it when you give a gold award to a joke?

Comedy gold.

In highschool, I won the "most secretive" award!

I can't tell you how much it meant to me.

When airlines actually award for your loyalty

Airline staff: I’m sorry, the flight is full today. We couldn’t allot you nearby seats. Your seat number is 2A and your wife’s is 42D

Me: Thank you very much, do I need to pay anything extra for this service?

Airline staff:No sir,A compliment for your loyalty

My father passed this morning. In his honor, I present his favorite joke: why do polish people have ski at the end of their names?

Because they can't spell toboggan. - Stanley G. Kapuscinski

Edit: thanks so much for the kind words and thoughts and prayers. Thanks so much for your equally awful jokes.

To a lesser but still significant extent, thanks for the awards.

And the winner of this year’s national nepotism award goes to...

My son, for the third year running

What do you call an award that wastes away?

Atrophy

Son: | was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school.

Me: What's that?


Son: A big building with lots of kids.

I used to have a job reccommending people for math award shows.

I was denominator.

Did you hear Gaston from Beauty and the Beast won a major award?

He won the No Belle Prize.

Divorce court judge: "Sir, I'm awarding your wife $650 a month alimony."

"That's great, your honor. And I'll send her a little something too."

The Ninety-Second Academy Awards

Sure seemed like the show was longer than that.

A lame joke I made up based on an existing joke. Sorry if it's bad.

One day Sean joined a quiz team.

He and his teammates studied really hard for a quiz competition.

On the night of the quiz competition, in the last round, Sean and his team was 1 point behind first place.

However, they had one more question that if answered correctly, would awar...

Why won’t I ever get a koala award?

Because I’m not koalafied

I recently came fourth in the National Weatherman Awards

I won a trophy for precipitation.

At an award ceremony

And the award for "most secretive person" goes to john!

John: I can't tell you guys how much this award means to me

An award given unexpectedly to only Knighted Men:

The sir prize.



Please feel free to improve this one >\_<

I named my dog “5 miles” so I could say “I walked 5 miles”

But today, I ran over 5 miles

Never thought Netflix would produce an award-winning series watched by tens of millions around the world. But hey...

Stranger Things have happened.

What goes with the Coronavirus?

Lyme Disease

Edit : Thanks For All The Awards!

Boy aged 4: Dad, I’ve decided to get married.

Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?!

Boy: Yes... grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too....and she’s the best cook & story teller in the whole world!

Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there!

Boy: What problem?!

Dad: She happens to be my m...

I just dropped my award for feline rectal examinations and it smashed

It was a catastrophe

If "womb" is pronounced "woom", "tomb" is pronounced "toom" then shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced

"BOOM"



I hope that blew your minds

Why was the handsome farmer given the "Best in 'Grass' " award?

Because he was out standing in his field.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men enter a bar in the USSR. One says, "Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?" The other one says, "Because he was afraid of capitalism."

The whole bar died laughing

A carcinogen wins an award

for most deaths caused in a year. When asked what his secret is he replies, “honestly, I just tried asbestos I could.”

My son, while gazing up at the sky, asked me how stars die

"Usually an overdose", I said

If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning

Imagine how surprised he must have been.

What’s a Redditors favorite food?

Cake

A guy sees a sign in front of a house that says: “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

### “You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the mutt replies.


“So, what’s your story?”


The mutt looks up and says: “Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from co...

A bible salesman won top sales award

But people are confused because he is famously known for being so timid that when he speaks, he stutters. So when the award was announced and the salesman is invited to the stage, everybody wants to hear what this man says.

After handshaking the announcer, the man hesitantly approach the micr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller, “I want to open a fucking checking account.”

The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.”

The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation.

The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. <...

My dad won the industry award for best surgical oncologist.

They said his mastectomy work was breastaking.

My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We've been married nine years today.

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to i...

There's some guy handing out awards to couples that cheat.

He's medaling in other people’s affairs.

What award do you give a bad dentist?

A plaque.

Never challenge death to a pillow fight

unless you’re ready to face the reaper cushions

What’s the difference between a religion and a cult?

In a cult, there is someone on top that knows it’s all nonsense.

In a religion that person is dead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early?

They like to beat the crowds.

Edit: WTF is wrong with you people?
I know dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old but, 2 shiny bottle caps?? NO!! Send that money to the protesters, or groups helping them, in Hong Kong.

Edit 2:
Add edit to first comment.
Also he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why wouldn’t any participants at the cat show accept the award for best groomed behind?

Because the prize was a catastrophe.

Joaquin Phoenix won an award for weight loss transformation into Arthur Fleck in "Joker".

Atrophy.

What was the inventor of suspenders awarded for their discovery?

The no-belt prize.

I wrote a play about pasta and fairly won an award

Didn't even have to rig a Tony

In 2015, while addressing graduates of SMU, George W. Bush said;

"To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the 'C' students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States."



Then Donald Trump came and said “Bush has denied us, Americans our right to be POTUS!”

What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work?

Kick them out of congress.

I made an award that looked like a cat's rear end, but nobody liked it.

It was a catastrophe.

Never trust an Oscar award winner

They’re always acting out.

A magic genie tells Tom, "I can make anything of yours disappear!"

Tom: [raises his mug] ok, get rid of my tea

Genie: poof

om: it didn't work


EDIT: please stop commenting the following: "om: i didn work", because Om only says "my tea", and not "all teas". thank you.

EDIT 2: thank you kind strangers for the awards :)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are posts about the new Tool album getting so many Reddit awards?

Because it is worth its wait in gold.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bravery Award for the man who can drink, fight and fuck!

Once upon a time, a king announced Bravery Award for a man who can drink 10 barrels of wine, defeat a lion and bring back it's tooth and fuck a girl till she faints!
Many men tried, but all failed.

Then came a drunkard. People advised him not to do it, but he persisted, and drank all 10 b...

A man walked into a bar

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
The bartender says "what a strange pet, what's his name?"
"Tiny" the man replies
"What an odd name, why do you call him tiny?"
"Because he's my newt"



Thank you you can put my award on the dresser by the skirt.......

I once went to a Darwin Awards ceremony.

I was the only person to show up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: I'm terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are?

Me: *SCREAMS*

Therapist: Oh I see

Me: *SCREAMING INTENSIFIES*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My kitty ate a sports award. Would it be very bad to just wait and let him poop it out?

I'm thinking it would be a cat ass trophy.

Lately my comment karma has been so good, Reddit sent me an award featuring a colorful lizard.

It's a comment karma chameleon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have to tell my girlfriend that I don't like the fetish she's into...

But first I need to get some shit off my chest.

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to be "saved" or else you'll "burn"

Stupid firemen

My mate has just won an award for beating another 12 men in a bait digging contest.He has now been crowned.

The master baiter.

The guest of honor at an awards dinner is about to give his speech when a stagehand gives him a piece of paper from his wife in the crowd.

“What does it say?” the stagehand asks.



“Oh, it just says KISS in very big letters.”



“Wow, that’s very sweet,” the stagehand replies. “She must love you and be very proud of you.”



“Not really,” the man says. “It stands for Keep It Short, Stupid.”

My son came home and said "I got the Zucker Award today at school!"

I said, "What's that?"

He said, "A big building with teachers and kids in it, dad, but that's not important right now"

After years at my job, I finally managed to walk away with the “Employee of the Month” award.

Unfortunately security caught me at the door.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The winner of ‘best feline bottom in show’ was brutally killed last night. The award is thought to be the murder weapon.

It was a cat ass trophy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Black Mirror: Bandersnatch is definitely going to win in at least one award category...

...Viewer's Choice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I've been invited to the Premature Ejaculation Society's annual awards dinner. When I asked them what the dress code was...

They told me just to come in my pants.

A brunette, redhead and blond went to a remote fitness spa deep in the mountains for some fun and relaxation.

After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded ...

What do you call the award given to a feline with a nice rump?

A catastrophe

How did the scarecrow manage to win an award, without even moving?

Easy - he was simply outstanding in his field.

Heartbreaking

Dallas Morning News - A 15 year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with chil...

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