UPJOKE
prizetrophymedalhonorgrantaccoladehonournobel prizeemmyscholarshiposcarcommendationhonorarycontributionacademy award

I won the "most secretive guy in my office" award.

I can't tell you how much this means to me.

Did you hear about the scarecrow that won a lifetime achievement award?

He was outstanding in his field...

How many Texas cops does it take to save children from an active shooter?

Still under investigation.







Edit: For those who assume I think any part of this situation is funny... [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black\_comedy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_comedy). Also who gave me a Wholesome award? That's seriously messed up.

Edit ...

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My favorite burn I've gotten for being trans

I was born female and transitioned to male. Early on in my transition, my gf and I were playing a video game, and I called her a noob when she died.

Her: Yeah okay Pinocchio.

Me: Pinocchio?

Her: You know... "I want to be a real boy!"

Edit: thanks for all the support and a...

An artist goes on stage to receive an award

I wanna thank my legs, for supporting me.

My arms, for always being by my side.

My fingers, because I can always count on them.

And finally sidewalks, for keeping me off the street.

Why were the wives of a polygamist awarded a degree in physics?

For splitting an Adam.

A farmer was declared missing when he didn't show up to an award ceremony in his honor...

They found him out standing in his field.

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A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer meet each week for a game of golf.

One day, they get stuck behind the slowest group of players they had ever seen. They were hitting the balls all over the place, getting stuck in just about every trap and patch of rough, and missing just about every putt.

Finally, the group gets frustrated and heads to the clubhouse to find ...

Who has 2 thumbs and wants a lot of awards for no effort?

That would be me.

Love you all, have a terrific day!

I got the 'Best Shoplifter Award' the other day!

I didn't win it though.

- Congratulations ! You’ve just won the most-awkward-situations award

-really?!!

-not you , the dude on your right

What sort of pasta do you use if you want to fix a musical theatre award?

Rigatoni

A medieval king was hunting in Africa. He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom. Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.

As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.

Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elep...

Nobel award winning physicist and his limo driver

A Nobel award winning physicist, who was afraid of flying, was on speaking tour of the nation's top colleges. He travelled by limousine to each destination to give his speech. After two dozen engagements, the physicist and the limousine driver were having dinner before the next speech. The limousine...

So a village boy and a modern girl fall in love and want to try 69

The boy doesn’t know about 69 so the girl takes the lead.

He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts out uncontrollably directly in his face. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises.

She squats down for another go but farts again, thi...

Showerthoughts sub has a new sub for its highest awarded posts but it’s NSFW

r/Goldenshowerthoughts

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George raises his beer mug in the air and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life having sex with my wife!" The bar is filled with whistles and claps, and the bartender even gives him a ribbon that says, "Best Toast of the Month".

When George gets home, he shows his wife, Linda, the ribbon. "And what exactly was your award-winning toast?" she asks.

George thinks for a while and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife."

The next day when George is at work, Linda is walking down ...

My wife won a regional Tastiest Coochie award

She won't stop rubbing it in my face

Did you hear about the chef that won an award for his chickpea recipe after he died?

It was awarded post hummus.

Did you hear the Cookie Monster got Covid?

The CDC confirmed it was the om-nom-nom-nom-icron variant.




Edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger!

Edit 2: Thank you everyone for the awards. Just trying to brighten everyone's day with a little joke. I hope this joke spreads far and wide....like Covid. Stay safe everybody...

My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal.

China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.

What award…

actually slightly increases the average intelligence of country when given out?
The Herman Cain Award

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On Air Confession

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or serio...

I watched the Indian version of How I Met Your Mother…

There’s just one episode and it is about the wedding.

sesame street awards

If sesame street had an awards show would they be handing out Oscars?

Why did the Fox News Christmas tree catch fire?

They left it too close to the gaslight.

Did you hear Twisted Sister performed for the "Geologist of the Year" award ceremony?

They played "I Won A Rock!"

The trainee competition judge arrived at the village fair

He meets his mentor at the entrance.

"Nice to meet, nice to meet, nice to meet you," stammers the mentor. "Forgive my, forgive my, forgive my speech impediment."

"Please, don't worry about it," says the trainee.

They head off to judge the villagers' chilli peppers. They come to...

Did you hear about the guy who won an award for having the most extra body parts?

He won the Chernobyl Piece Prize.

An award winning reporter held a finger out to their boss and said...

pulitzer.

A doctor found a cure for muteness

Dr. Smith, a medical professional studying human vocals, found a cure to muteness.

He found out after dealing with a patient and an unlikely scenario happened.

He receives an award for medicine, and is invited to give a speech. He speaks about his life, inspiration, and discovery. He b...

We've all heard about Russian Roulette but how many of you have heard about Indian Roulette?

They give you a flute and six large deadly cobras.

And one of the cobras is deaf.

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Guy gets a hotel room and asks for a hooker

A man heads to a seedy hotel to rent a room and asks the clerk where to find a prostitute.

The clerk says not to worry, he'll send one to the man's room in a few minutes.

The man goes to his room and sure enough, a few minutes later a prostitute knocks on his door.

"Hi honey, ho...

What award did the deceased chick pea receive?

A posthummus award

Why cant you trust Italians at an award ceremony?

They've been known to rig a Tony

My friends keep asking me for advice..

They want to know how to get all the karma and awards.

I keep telling them it's a piece of cake

And the award for best neckwear goes to...

...well would you look at that, it's a tie.

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Nsfw An aussie man calls emergency services while camping with his wife

Operator: "Emergency services how can we help you mate"

Man: "Please help! me sheila got bitten in her minge by a mozzie and its all swollen and now we can't have sex!"

Operator: "Oh bummer mate..."

Man: "Oh thanks mate never thought of that!"
*Hangs up

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My 9 year old just told me this joke and I thought I would share

What do you call rich peanut butter?

Jif Bezos

They are giving out a special award in the Netherlands this year

The man who invented the knock-knock joke is also getting a no bell prize.

A contest in South Korea awarded a small amount of money for a large item of food...

A one ton wonton won ten won.

horse and a donkey meet for a drink. (soccer joke)

Horse and a donkey meet and go to the horses house for drinks.
On the walls of the horses house are medals trophies and ribbons.
Donkey asks: "what are all the rewards from?"
Horse:"I used to race and I was pretty good so I won all these medals and trophies"
After they finished drinking,...

I can’t wait to get my first award

Sadly it’s from myself

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I have a really funny joke about participation awards

Actually, never mind, you had to be there to get it

The only joke I know.

How does a cow introduce his wife...?

He says, "meat patty".

I am very sorry.

Edit: it makes sense that my only popular post is a dad joke. I've never received any awards before so thank you everyone, this is insane.

Also, I understand everyone is upset about the cow vs b...

My wife of 61 years said let's go upstairs and make love.

I told her "Choose one, I can't do both."

Two professors were at an award ceremony.

An interviewer approached them.
"Sorry to ask but everyone has been wondering, which one of you is cleverer?"

The first professor smiled modestly.
"I don't want to boast. But i also don't want to be dishonest...."

The second professor interrupted

"And yet you've managed to...

"I do not tolerate tardiness," a professor tells his class at the beginning on the semester.

Looking out at the sea of stricken faces in the large lecture hall he continues. "There are 300 of you, and only one of me. I will not allow you to waste my time. If you are late to class, I will count you as absent for the day. If you hand in an assignment late, it will not count towards your grade...

During Cold War, Mossad, CIA and KGB argue which is the best secret service.

They decide to hunt for hogs in a forest. The organization with the most kills after one hour gets the award.

Mossad send in Schlomo, their best agent. After one hour he presents three hogs, all with a clean shot between the eyes.

CIA orders an attack helicopter, spots a sounder and k...

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in an art competition they asked the competitors to draw a picture representing famine around the world

the 3rd place award went to a picture of a child next to a piece of bread but can't reach it for he is too weak to even move, symbolising their suffering and their weakness.

2nd place went to a picture of a child so thin and so weak lying on the ground and a crow a couple of meters away waiti...

Mr Palmer was given the cow farmer of the year award today.

He said "this is the first time I've had a pat on the back"

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My friend just got a job at a sex shop. I need jokes!

She’s working at a well known sex goods store and I need all the inappropriate and/or sex related jokes to send to her!

What kind of award do you give someone who has not moved a muscle in over a year?

A trophy.

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Retiring from the British Army can be complicated. (Long)

Lt. Colonel Robert Maclaren retired from the British Army in 2001 after a long fulfilling career. On the day that he retired he received a letter from the Personnel Department of the Ministry of Defence setting out details of his pension and, in particular, the tax-free ‘lump sum’ award, (based upon...

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Us men can be great at multi-tasking too!

Ever tried jerking off, watching porn and keeping an eye on the door for intruders at the same time?

Damn girl are you a piñata?

Because imma need a blindfold before I hit that

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For many, figuring out who to give the free Reddit award will be similar to choosing who to lose your virginity to.

For some: it’s not a big deal, you’ll have fun with it, and it’ll be whoever you see in the moment.

For others: you’ll overthink it and fumble deciding. Soon the moment will pass and you’ll be a virgin forever.

The local dentist received an award for being the best dentist in town. Know what they gave him?

A little plaque.

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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it a...

Do you know what my uncle got for surviving the mustard gas and pepper spray attacks?

He got the seasoned veteran award.

You can tell a bad joke from a good home by the number of awards it has...

See above.

How do non-binary samurai kill people?

They/them.

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A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a ...

What do an umbrella and the 12th Academy Award winner have in common?

They're both gone with the wind.

Did you hear about that time Einstein panicked while hosting an awards show?

He equals emcee scared.

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A good percentage of my friends are Nazis

That percentage is zero, that’s a good percentage of Nazi friends to have

Edit: Holy SHIT I did not expect this to blow up lmfao thank you for the awards!
and fuck da haterz

What award did the creator of the knock knock jokes win?

The no-bell prize

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I brought my cat to cat judging competition. I thought it went really poorly, but he did win an award for having the best butt.

It was a cat-ass-trophy

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Farmer Greg

A seasoned farmer named Greg had finally mastered his craft. He toiled day and night to understand every detail to growing the perfect crop. After 30 years he had made enough money to retire, but Greg wanted more. He wanted local recognition and fame.


So he decided to grow the state’s ...

What do Excel, incels and some people who casually eat figs have in common?

They get confused and incorrectly assume it's a date.


(Edit)
Thank you for the awards.



As people have pointed out, this joke seems to have originated from a venn diagram, but seeing as I heard it a different way and we can't post venn diagrams on this sub, I don't ...

Never thought Netflix would produce an award-winning series watched by tens of millions around the world. But hey...

Stranger Things have happened.

What award does NASA give the astronauts that board their spacecraft particularly quickly?

The starship -enter-prize.

My friend is selling sells his award winning Doberman

When asked why he replied. "It attacked and killed my mother-in-law last week and I don't need it anymore.

I had a friend ask me how to get an award...

I said it's a piece of cake!

What award do they give to the thinnest person in the world?

The No-Belly Prize

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandfather was complaining yesterday: “your generation is so fragile with your participation awards”...

says the guy who lost the war and still wears medals

The laziest person award

There was an award ceremony for the laziest person in the world. Many lazy people came to the award show but nobody among them was awarded. Turns out the laziest person was too lazy to attend the award show.


So they went to the laziest persons house to give him the award in person. He wa...

What’s the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?

A washing machine won’t follow you around for a week after you put a load in it

(Thank you for the award!)

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds.

An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town’s cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back t...

When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat

Is a warm toilet seat

I made an award that looked like a cat's rear end, but nobody liked it.

It was a catastrophe.

Nobody will upvote a cake joke in my birthday

I feel desserted.



Happy cake day to me :)

I heard there was a new soundproof room design that was award-winning

It got a no bel prize.

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, ...

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What award did the cat who sniffed the most butts receive?

Catastrophe.

I just farted on my wallet

Now I have Gas Money!

*Told to me by my 9 year old daughter, who thought it's hilarious! (I agree lol)

Headline: Cumberbatch lumber hatch rumble match and humble thatch.

Press Release:

An academy award nominated actor kicked in his neighbor's woodshed door and started a fist fight. Afterward, the actor apologized and assisted in repairs of the shed's damaged grass roof.

After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than him

“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.”

God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?”

“Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the ...

Three scientists were awarded the Nobel Prize for their work on black holes. The Trump Administration immediately objected

and said that research would should be directed towards white holes as well.

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Pierre the French fighter pilot was the greatest fighter pilot the world had ever seen.

His skill in a plane was rivaled only by his skill in bed and he had many a fair young thing aching for his love.

On a bright summer day he was picnicking with a young lady in the shade of a willow tree near a lake. They had talked for a while but the woman could wait no longer and she leane...

They gave me the ‘most illiterate kid in school’ award

I was so upset that I couldn’t even read my speech

How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a light bulb?

The real question is that who broke the light bulb and why are they keeping us in the dark?

edit.. thanks for the award kind stanger.

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

What does a Redditor say after winning a 1st place award in a competition?

EDIT: Thanks for the gold

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cancer!

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this lab nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicin...

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