Welcome to the first ever LGBT Award Ceremony!

Let's start off by getting one thing straight

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My kitty ate a sports award. Would it be very bad to just wait and let him poop it out?

I'm thinking it would be a cat ass trophy.

Why did the Scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

Lately my comment karma has been so good, Reddit sent me an award featuring a colorful lizard.

It's a comment karma chameleon.

After years at my job, I finally managed to walk away with the “Employee of the Month” award.

Unfortunately security caught me at the door.

How did the scarecrow manage to win an award, without even moving?

Easy - he was simply outstanding in his field.

The guest of honor at an awards dinner is about to give his speech when a stagehand gives him a piece of paper from his wife in the crowd.

“What does it say?” the stagehand asks.

​

“Oh, it just says KISS in very big letters.”

​

“Wow, that’s very sweet,” the stagehand replies. “She must love you and be very proud of you.”

​

“Not really,” the man says. “It stands ...

Did you hear about the guy who got an award for taking down a thrash band selling drugs?

He got a metal mettle medal for metal meddle.

What do you call the award given to a feline with a nice rump?

A catastrophe

A dentist receives an award.

It’s the only plaque allowed in his house.

My mate has just won an award for beating another 12 men in a bait digging contest.He has now been crowned.

The master baiter.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Black Mirror: Bandersnatch is definitely going to win in at least one award category...

...Viewer's Choice.

I made an award that looked like a cat's rear end, but nobody liked it.

It was a catastrophe.

AND THE AWARD FOR THE BEST NECKWEAR IS...

...oh, it's a tie

Why didn't the flat-earther accept his award at the ceremony?

He didn't believe in golden globes.

My son came home and said "I got the Zucker Award today at school!"

I said, "What's that?"

He said, "A big building with teachers and kids in it, dad, but that's not important right now"

I starred in an award winning one man show...

about my life growing up in a small town. Because I love them so much, I bought my grandparents expensive box seats to see it. After the show they were so excited to tell me how great it was. My grandpa looked at me with pride in his eyes and said, “Congratulations. You played yourself.”

There was once a marathon runner who had become quite famous and won many awards for his records.

He was so well liked that eventually he became the president of Iran. During his tenure he managed to take over multiple countries including Azerbaijan, Bulgaria, Greece, Armenia, Georgia, Iraq and Syria. They were all assimilated and became a part of Iran. The only country he didn’t manage to take ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My ex-wife has award-winning breasts...

A sag award.

A pasta chef was caught stuffing the ballot boxes at a big Broadway awards show.

Apparently, he was trying to rig a Tony.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Death awards 72 virgins to an evil man...

Guy: You mean to tell me, these are my 72 virgins?!!!

Death: Uhh yeah, what’s the problem?

Guy: I’m not sticking my dick in any dudes!!

Death: Who said anything about you sticking YOUR dick in THEM?

Guy:.....

Death: *hands him lube* You better grease up...it’s gon...

Did you hear about the actor who only won an award because of the Italian mafia?

It turns out they really know how to rig a Tony.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So I've been invited to the Premature Ejaculation Society's annual awards dinner. When I asked them what the dress code was...

They told me just to come in my pants.

I got an award that fell apart after a while.

I call it "Entrophy"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about the "biggest feline butt" award?

It was a huge cat ass trophy.

Kim Jong Un was given an international literary award a couple days ago...

... but nobody should be surprised; he is the Supreme Reader.

What award did Gregor Mendel receive for his work in the field of Genetics?

The Nobel Peas Prize.

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to be "saved" or else you'll "burn"

Stupid firemen

What kind of award do you get for being really lazy?

Atrophy.

Did you hear? Gaston won an award!

He won the No Belle prize.

The guy who wrote the song 'In Too Deep' missed out on the 'best writer of a rock song' award.

Most of the judges said he lost, but Sum41.

This joke won the funniest joke award at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.

If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.

How lazy are you?

This is the award I got for 10 years at Electronic Arts - My biggest accomplishment

A sense of pride and accomplishment.

What award did the creator of knock knock jokes win?

The No-Bell prize. :D

And the award for best neckwear goes to...

huh, well would you look at that. It was a tie

/r/Jokes won the International Green Awards!

96% recycled content.

Huge embarrassment at the NAACP science award show.

Turns out that Weed-B-Gon was invented by a Caucasian.

*At the library*

“Do you have a book about the discrimination of dwarves?”

“Left corner, on the top shelf!”

How does an Italian win an award in television?

He has to rigatoni

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I got the "Bookworm" award in the school because I have the most visits to the library.

Of course they don't know the library's toilet is very suitable for masturbating.

A nightclub near me won an award for "The weirdest entry policy"

Which is no small feat.

Did you hear about the award United Airlines just got?

They were voted best in Chinese takeaway!

Why did the fair maiden enjoy the award?

Because it was a Sir Prize.

/r/Jokes/ wins Friend of the Planet award!

for 95% recycled content.

TIL There's a huge, televised award ceremony for coke dealers held every year...

They call it the grammies

Nobel award winning physicist and his limo driver

A Nobel award winning physicist, who was afraid of flying, was on speaking tour of the nation's top colleges. He travelled by limousine to each destination to give his speech.
After two dozen engagements, the physicist and the limousine driver were having dinner before the next speech. The limous...

I deserve an award for beating up a school shooter...

I beat him up every day for nearly a year before he shot up the school.

What do you call an award given for an unexpected handjob?

A Pull-it Surprise.

Employee Award goes to......

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise....

Why don't you want to win an award for Best Feline Sphincter?

Because it's a catastrophe :-)

Yeah, ok, I'll be going now.

If 157 awards makes you an overrated actress, what does 6 bankruptcies make a businessman?

President of the United States

ISIS Awards Night

The 2016 best suicide bomber award goes to Mohammed.

Unfortunately Mohammed can't be with us tonight.

A little Catholic boy and a little Protestant girl, both about four years old, were growing up in Northern Ireland...

Even though Catholics and Protestants didn’t generally get along with one another, the two played together often, not understanding why their families said they shouldn’t be friends.

On one particularly hot day, the two were playing when the little girl said, “‘Tis terribly hot today. We sho...

So I was at a film awards event the other night... [nsfw]

I was at a film awards event the other night. I went to the toilet and an actress came out a cubicle with a white mark on her dress. I said to her "Oh did you spill some mayo?" and she replied "No its a Harvey Weinstain"😉

The Universal Miss award goes to

Steve Harvey.

British Airways bags the best in-flight service award!

On a long haul UK flight, a mother took her young son to the toilet and told him she would come back for him, in five minutes.

However, he was finished in two minutes so he left the toilet and wandered off down the aisle, in the opposite direction from where his mother was.

Meanwhile, ...

I just won an award for my hairdressing skills.

Best Newcomber

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

With the surge in popularity of Country Music artists that have included rap in their songs, like Jason Aldean and Sam Hunt, this years CMA's will include a new category. As it is a hybrid style of genres, Rap and Country, the producers have settled on a fitting name for the award.

CRAP.

What is a mainstream media award for accurate, fair and even-handed journalism called?

A pink slip.

What award did the kid in a coma for six weeks win?

Atrophy.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click herefor more information.