I received an award at work for being the most secretive employee.

I can’t tell you how much this means to me.

What award did the inventor of knock knock jokes recieve?

The No Bell Prize

Never thought Netflix would produce an award-winning series watched by tens of millions around the world. But hey...

Stranger Things have happened.

Did you hear about the scarecrow who won an award?

He was outstanding in his field.

I won an award for being humble.

But they took it away because I wore it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bravery Award for the man who can drink, fight and fuck!

Once upon a time, a king announced Bravery Award for a man who can drink 10 barrels of wine, defeat a lion and bring back it's tooth and fuck a girl till she faints!
Many men tried, but all failed.

Then came a drunkard. People advised him not to do it, but he persisted, and drank all 10 b...

Joaquin Phoenix won an award for weight loss transformation into Arthur Fleck in "Joker".

Atrophy.

I wrote a play about pasta and fairly won an award

Didn't even have to rig a Tony

There's some guy handing out awards to couples that cheat.

He's medaling in other people’s affairs.

Never trust an Oscar award winner

They’re always acting out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My kitty ate a sports award. Would it be very bad to just wait and let him poop it out?

I'm thinking it would be a cat ass trophy.

And the award for best neckwear goes to...

What do you know, it was a tie

Lately my comment karma has been so good, Reddit sent me an award featuring a colorful lizard.

It's a comment karma chameleon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The winner of ‘best feline bottom in show’ was brutally killed last night. The award is thought to be the murder weapon.

It was a cat ass trophy.

After years at my job, I finally managed to walk away with the “Employee of the Month” award.

Unfortunately security caught me at the door.

What do you call the award given to a feline with a nice rump?

A catastrophe

The guest of honor at an awards dinner is about to give his speech when a stagehand gives him a piece of paper from his wife in the crowd.

“What does it say?” the stagehand asks.



“Oh, it just says KISS in very big letters.”



“Wow, that’s very sweet,” the stagehand replies. “She must love you and be very proud of you.”



“Not really,” the man says. “It stands for Keep It Short, Stupid.”

What award do you give a bad dentist?

A plaque.

How did the scarecrow manage to win an award, without even moving?

Easy - he was simply outstanding in his field.

My son came home and said "I got the Zucker Award today at school!"

I said, "What's that?"

He said, "A big building with teachers and kids in it, dad, but that's not important right now"

Why did Obi-Wan not appear for Luke’s award ceremony at the end of a New Hope?

He was there in spirit.

I made an award that looked like a cat's rear end, but nobody liked it.

It was a catastrophe.

My mate has just won an award for beating another 12 men in a bait digging contest.He has now been crowned.

The master baiter.

Did you hear about the guy who got an award for taking down a thrash band selling drugs?

He got a metal mettle medal for metal meddle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Black Mirror: Bandersnatch is definitely going to win in at least one award category...

...Viewer's Choice.

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Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early?

They like to beat the crowds.

Edit: WTF is wrong with you people?
I know dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old but, 2 shiny bottle caps?? NO!! Send that money to the protesters, or groups helping them, in Hong Kong.

Edit 2:
Add edit to first comment.
Also he...

Why didn't the flat-earther accept his award at the ceremony?

He didn't believe in golden globes.

There was once a marathon runner who had become quite famous and won many awards for his records.

He was so well liked that eventually he became the president of Iran. During his tenure he managed to take over multiple countries including Azerbaijan, Bulgaria, Greece, Armenia, Georgia, Iraq and Syria. They were all assimilated and became a part of Iran. The only country he didn’t manage to take ...

I starred in an award winning one man show...

about my life growing up in a small town. Because I love them so much, I bought my grandparents expensive box seats to see it. After the show they were so excited to tell me how great it was. My grandpa looked at me with pride in his eyes and said, “Congratulations. You played yourself.”

What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work?

Kick them out of congress.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I've been invited to the Premature Ejaculation Society's annual awards dinner. When I asked them what the dress code was...

They told me just to come in my pants.

Did you hear about the actor who only won an award because of the Italian mafia?

It turns out they really know how to rig a Tony.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex-wife has award-winning breasts...

A sag award.

A pasta chef was caught stuffing the ballot boxes at a big Broadway awards show.

Apparently, he was trying to rig a Tony.

My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We've been married nine years today.

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: I'm terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are?

Me: *SCREAMS*

Therapist: Oh I see

Me: *SCREAMING INTENSIFIES*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Death awards 72 virgins to an evil man...

Guy: You mean to tell me, these are my 72 virgins?!!!

Death: Uhh yeah, what’s the problem?

Guy: I’m not sticking my dick in any dudes!!

Death: Who said anything about you sticking YOUR dick in THEM?

Guy:.....

Death: *hands him lube* You better grease up...it’s gon...

I got an award that fell apart after a while.

I call it "Entrophy"

A magic genie tells Tom, "I can make anything of yours disappear!"

Tom: [raises his mug] ok, get rid of my tea

Genie: poof

om: it didn't work


EDIT: please stop commenting the following: "om: i didn work", because Om only says "my tea", and not "all teas". thank you.

EDIT 2: thank you kind strangers for the awards :)

What award did Gregor Mendel receive for his work in the field of Genetics?

The Nobel Peas Prize.

Kim Jong Un was given an international literary award a couple days ago...

... but nobody should be surprised; he is the Supreme Reader.

If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.

How lazy are you?

Did you hear? Gaston won an award!

He won the No Belle prize.

What kind of award do you get for being really lazy?

Atrophy.

The guy who wrote the song 'In Too Deep' missed out on the 'best writer of a rock song' award.

Most of the judges said he lost, but Sum41.

This joke won the funniest joke award at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.

This is the award I got for 10 years at Electronic Arts - My biggest accomplishment

A sense of pride and accomplishment.

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to be "saved" or else you'll "burn"

Stupid firemen

/r/Jokes won the International Green Awards!

96% recycled content.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have to tell my girlfriend that I don't like the fetish she's into...

But first I need to get some shit off my chest.

How does an Italian win an award in television?

He has to rigatoni

Nobel award winning physicist and his limo driver

A Nobel award winning physicist, who was afraid of flying, was on speaking tour of the nation's top colleges. He travelled by limousine to each destination to give his speech.
After two dozen engagements, the physicist and the limousine driver were having dinner before the next speech. The limous...

/r/Jokes/ wins Friend of the Planet award!

for 95% recycled content.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got the "Bookworm" award in the school because I have the most visits to the library.

Of course they don't know the library's toilet is very suitable for masturbating.

Did you hear about the award United Airlines just got?

They were voted best in Chinese takeaway!

TIL There's a huge, televised award ceremony for coke dealers held every year...

They call it the grammies

A nightclub near me won an award for "The weirdest entry policy"

Which is no small feat.

Employee Award goes to......

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise....

Why don't you want to win an award for Best Feline Sphincter?

Because it's a catastrophe :-)

Yeah, ok, I'll be going now.

Why did the fair maiden enjoy the award?

Because it was a Sir Prize.

What do you call an award given for an unexpected handjob?

A Pull-it Surprise.

If 157 awards makes you an overrated actress, what does 6 bankruptcies make a businessman?

President of the United States

I deserve an award for beating up a school shooter...

I beat him up every day for nearly a year before he shot up the school.

The Universal Miss award goes to

Steve Harvey.

ISIS Awards Night

The 2016 best suicide bomber award goes to Mohammed.

Unfortunately Mohammed can't be with us tonight.

British Airways bags the best in-flight service award!

On a long haul UK flight, a mother took her young son to the toilet and told him she would come back for him, in five minutes.

However, he was finished in two minutes so he left the toilet and wandered off down the aisle, in the opposite direction from where his mother was.

Meanwhile, ...

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