The 90+ Best Award Jokes

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Salesman of The Year Award.

A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Omaha."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. ...

i got an award for being humble.

I obviously didnt accept it.

I got the award for Shoplifter of the Year, '22!

I didn't win it.....

What do you call an infection that makes you sound like an Academy Award-winning actress?

Streep throat

What do you call the annual award show for fisting?

The crammy's

What award goes to the eunuch who creates law and order among all the other eunuchs?

The no ball peace prize.

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

Did you hear about the award winning science film about oil and water?

It’s immiscable.

An old couple was sitting in Church...

...and the wife noticed that people were staring at her.

She leaned across to her husband and whispered, “I’ve just let go a silent fart. What do you think I should do?”

He said, “I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid.”

Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother…

Sudden Lee

A man is trying to sell his dog to a neighbor...

"You can have this dog for only five dollars, and he can actually talk." says the man. His neighbor says, "That's ridiculous, everyone knows dogs can't speak."

The dog looks up at the neighbor with big, sad, doggy eyes and says, "Oh please, kind sir, buy me so I won't have to live with my cru...

In the summer of 1901, there was a small town in Western New York.

Nestled in a small valley, the town of Alfred was dominated by a church with a massive bell that would ring every day, at the top of every hour for several minutes on end, from sun up 'til sun down, much to the ire of the inhabitants.

One fateful night, the bell disappeared. Distraught,...

The Dendrologists of the Year Award was given today.

I was in the top tree!!!

What's the difference between Greta Thunberg and Andrew Tate

Greta was nominated for the Nobel Prize, and awarded Tate the No-balls prize.

What's the best part of the multi awarded game Stray

The Cat-scenes.

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.'

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot ...

Looking Good

My face in the mirror isn’t wrinkled or drawn.

My house isn’t dirty. The cobwebs are gone.

My garden looks lovely and so does my lawn.

I think I might never put my glasses back on.

Edit: Wow, Thank you for the upvotes and also thanks for the award...

A medieval king was hunting in Africa. He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom. Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.

As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.

Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elep...

I won the "most secretive guy in my office" award.

I can't tell you how much this means to me.

My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but he wasn’t awarded the gold medal.

The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.

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Stingy old lawyer

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the old saying, “You can’t take it with you.” After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.

He in...

How many Texas cops does it take to save children from an active shooter?

Still under investigation.

Edit: For those who assume I think any part of this situation is funny... [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black\_comedy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_comedy). Also who gave me a Wholesome award? That's seriously messed up.

Edit ...

Why were the wives of a polygamist awarded a degree in physics?

For splitting an Adam.

An artist goes on stage to receive an award

I wanna thank my legs, for supporting me.

My arms, for always being by my side.

My fingers, because I can always count on them.

And finally sidewalks, for keeping me off the street.

My wife accused me of achieving nothing...

So I told her "well I won the Leslie Neilsen award at school."

"What's that?" she said

"It's a big building with kids in it"

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Don't wake Up Until Ten

Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home.

"Seventy is the worst age to be," announced the seventy year old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothing," said the eighty year ol...

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A guy walks into a bar and says. "Give me 10 shots of tequila, line 'em up!"

The bartender does and the guy proceeds to slam the 10 shots down at machine gun pace. The bartender says, "Damn man, what's all this for?"

The guys says, "My first blowjob." The bartender says, "Well shit dude, that's something to celebrate, have another on the house!" The guy says, "No than...

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My favorite burn I've gotten for being trans

I was born female and transitioned to male. Early on in my transition, my gf and I were playing a video game, and I called her a noob when she died.

Her: Yeah okay Pinocchio.

Me: Pinocchio?

Her: You know... "I want to be a real boy!"

Edit: thanks for all the support and a...

A farmer was declared missing when he didn't show up to an award ceremony in his honor...

They found him out standing in his field.

I can’t wait to get my first award

Sadly it’s from myself

My wife won a regional Tastiest Coochie award

She won't stop rubbing it in my face

Who has 2 thumbs and wants a lot of awards for no effort?

That would be me.

Love you all, have a terrific day!

A French, a Brit, and an American are on an expedition in the Amazon

They are captured by a tribe of natives. The chief says to them, "you must die for intruding our land. But it is our custom to allow you to choose your own death."

After some time, the Frenchman says, "my great grandfather died by sword while fighting for France, I shall do the same to honor ...

I got the 'Best Shoplifter Award' the other day!

I didn't win it though.

What is a Pirate's favorite letter?

The one from the General Manager telling him he's been traded to the Mets.

Thanks to everyone who awarded this post! You're so kind .

And the award for best neckwear goes to...

...well would you look at that, it's a tie.

John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
...

- Congratulations ! You’ve just won the most-awkward-situations award

-really?!!

-not you , the dude on your right

Nobel award winning physicist and his limo driver

A Nobel award winning physicist, who was afraid of flying, was on speaking tour of the nation's top colleges. He travelled by limousine to each destination to give his speech. After two dozen engagements, the physicist and the limousine driver were having dinner before the next speech. The limousine...

What sort of pasta do you use if you want to fix a musical theatre award?

Rigatoni

I can’t believe it’s already been two years since Ashli Babbitt was senselessly robbed of

a Darwin Award, I mean not even a nomination? Truly a travesty.

What award did the deceased chick pea receive?

A posthummus award

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A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer meet each week for a game of golf.

One day, they get stuck behind the slowest group of players they had ever seen. They were hitting the balls all over the place, getting stuck in just about every trap and patch of rough, and missing just about every putt.

Finally, the group gets frustrated and heads to the clubhouse to find ...

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George raises his beer mug in the air and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life having sex with my wife!" The bar is filled with whistles and claps, and the bartender even gives him a ribbon that says, "Best Toast of the Month".

When George gets home, he shows his wife, Linda, the ribbon. "And what exactly was your award-winning toast?" she asks.

George thinks for a while and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife."

The next day when George is at work, Linda is walking down ...

Whoever invented the knock knock joke should get an award.

Like no bell prize.

What kind of award do you give someone who has not moved a muscle in over a year?

A trophy.

Did you hear Twisted Sister performed for the "Geologist of the Year" award ceremony?

They played "I Won A Rock!"

Did you hear about the guy who won an award for having the most extra body parts?

He won the Chernobyl Piece Prize.

What’s the difference between a Tottenham Hotspur trophy cabinet and a museum

A museum is actually filled with awards and memorabilia from the past

Showerthoughts sub has a new sub for its highest awarded posts but it’s NSFW

r/Goldenshowerthoughts

After the iceberg collision, the captain of the Titanic gathers the crew and tells them "I have bad news and good news."

"The bad news is that our ship has began to sink.

The good news is that we shall win eleven Academy Awards."

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For many, figuring out who to give the free Reddit award will be similar to choosing who to lose your virginity to.

For some: it’s not a big deal, you’ll have fun with it, and it’ll be whoever you see in the moment.

For others: you’ll overthink it and fumble deciding. Soon the moment will pass and you’ll be a virgin forever.

Mr Palmer was given the cow farmer of the year award today.

He said "this is the first time I've had a pat on the back"

Never thought Netflix would produce an award-winning series watched by tens of millions around the world. But hey...

Stranger Things have happened.

I made an award that looked like a cat's rear end, but nobody liked it.

It was a catastrophe.

So a village boy and a modern girl fall in love and want to try 69

The boy doesn’t know about 69 so the girl takes the lead.

He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts out uncontrollably directly in his face. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises.

She squats down for another go but farts again, thi...

Why cant you trust Italians at an award ceremony?

They've been known to rig a Tony

sesame street awards

If sesame street had an awards show would they be handing out Oscars?

Two professors were at an award ceremony.

An interviewer approached them.
"Sorry to ask but everyone has been wondering, which one of you is cleverer?"

The first professor smiled modestly.
"I don't want to boast. But i also don't want to be dishonest...."

The second professor interrupted

"And yet you've managed to...

Why did the Fox News Christmas tree catch fire?

They left it too close to the gaslight.

They are giving out a special award in the Netherlands this year

The man who invented the knock-knock joke is also getting a no bell prize.

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds.

An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town’s cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back t...

/r/Jokes/ wins Friend of the Planet award!

for 95% recycled content.

A contest in South Korea awarded a small amount of money for a large item of food...

A one ton wonton won ten won.

The local dentist received an award for being the best dentist in town. Know what they gave him?

A little plaque.

What award does NASA give the astronauts that board their spacecraft particularly quickly?

The starship -enter-prize.

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I have a really funny joke about participation awards

Actually, never mind, you had to be there to get it

The laziest person award

There was an award ceremony for the laziest person in the world. Many lazy people came to the award show but nobody among them was awarded. Turns out the laziest person was too lazy to attend the award show.

So they went to the laziest persons house to give him the award in person. He wa...

Employee Award goes to......

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise....

Did you hear the Cookie Monster got Covid?

The CDC confirmed it was the om-nom-nom-nom-icron variant.

Edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger!

Edit 2: Thank you everyone for the awards. Just trying to brighten everyone's day with a little joke. I hope this joke spreads far and wide....like Covid. Stay safe everybody...

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I brought my cat to cat judging competition. I thought it went really poorly, but he did win an award for having the best butt.

It was a cat-ass-trophy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nsfw An aussie man calls emergency services while camping with his wife

Operator: "Emergency services how can we help you mate"

Man: "Please help! me sheila got bitten in her minge by a mozzie and its all swollen and now we can't have sex!"

Operator: "Oh bummer mate..."

Man: "Oh thanks mate never thought of that!"
*Hangs up

Did you hear about the Italian chef how created the popular Italian dish that actually helps you lose weight?

He was awarded the No-belly pizza prize.

My friend is selling sells his award winning Doberman

When asked why he replied. "It attacked and killed my mother-in-law last week and I don't need it anymore.

I had a friend ask me how to get an award...

I said it's a piece of cake!

After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than him

“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.”

God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?”

“Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the ...

What do an umbrella and the 12th Academy Award winner have in common?

They're both gone with the wind.

Why don't you want to win an award for Best Feline Sphincter?

Because it's a catastrophe :-)

Yeah, ok, I'll be going now.

Did you hear about that time Einstein panicked while hosting an awards show?

He equals emcee scared.

My uncle got an award for not wearing a mask.

The Darwin Award.

My son came home and said "I got the Zucker Award today at school!"

I said, "What's that?"

He said, "A big building with teachers and kids in it, dad, but that's not important right now"

What does a Redditor say after winning a 1st place award in a competition?

EDIT: Thanks for the gold

What award do they give to the thinnest person in the world?

The No-Belly Prize

I deserve an award for beating up a school shooter...

I beat him up every day for nearly a year before he shot up the school.

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A good percentage of my friends are Nazis

That percentage is zero, that’s a good percentage of Nazi friends to have

Edit: Holy SHIT I did not expect this to blow up lmfao thank you for the awards!
and fuck da haterz

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What award did the cat who sniffed the most butts receive?

Catastrophe.

I heard there was a new soundproof room design that was award-winning

It got a no bel prize.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy gets a hotel room and asks for a hooker

A man heads to a seedy hotel to rent a room and asks the clerk where to find a prostitute.

The clerk says not to worry, he'll send one to the man's room in a few minutes.

The man goes to his room and sure enough, a few minutes later a prostitute knocks on his door.

"Hi honey, ho...

Three scientists were awarded the Nobel Prize for their work on black holes. The Trump Administration immediately objected

and said that research would should be directed towards white holes as well.

They gave me the ‘most illiterate kid in school’ award

I was so upset that I couldn’t even read my speech

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