UPJOKE
prizetrophymedalhonorgrantaccoladehonournobel prizeexcellenceemmyscholarshiposcarcommendationhonorarycontribution

Award Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Salesman of The Year Award.

A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Omaha."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. ...

And the award for best neckwear goes to...

huh, well would you look at that. It was a tie

Nobel award winning physicist and his limo driver

A Nobel award winning physicist, who was afraid of flying, was on speaking tour of the nation's top colleges. He travelled by limousine to each destination to give his speech.
After two dozen engagements, the physicist and the limousine driver were having dinner before the next speech. The limous...

A broadway actor that cheated their way to an award - what's their favorite pasta?

Rigatoni

/r/Jokes/ wins Friend of the Planet award!

for 95% recycled content.

I got the award for Shoplifter of the Year, '22!

I didn't win it.....

What do you call the annual award show for fisting?

The crammy's

Damn girl are you a piñata?

Because imma need a blindfold before I hit that

Why did the Italian chef get an award?

Because he pasta test!

If there was an award for taking the fewest steps in a day..

I wouldn't get it because I wouldn't walk up to the stage to receive the award.

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field!

Did you hear? Gaston won an award!

He won the No Belle prize.

What award goes to the eunuch who creates law and order among all the other eunuchs?

The no ball peace prize.

My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal.

China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.

i got an award for being humble.

I obviously didnt accept it.

A farmer was declared missing when he didn't show up to an award ceremony in his honor...

They found him out standing in his field.

What's the difference between a joke and an award on reddit

The jokes will reapper after 2 months.

What do you call an infection that makes you sound like an Academy Award-winning actress?

Streep throat

Whoever invented the knock knock joke should get an award.

Like no bell prize.

How many Texas cops does it take to save children from an active shooter?

Still under investigation.







Edit: For those who assume I think any part of this situation is funny... [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black\_comedy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_comedy). Also who gave me a Wholesome award? That's seriously messed up.

Edit ...

The Dendrologists of the Year Award was given today.

I was in the top tree!!!

Why don't you want to win an award for Best Feline Sphincter?

Because it's a catastrophe :-)

Yeah, ok, I'll be going now.

Never thought Netflix would produce an award-winning series watched by tens of millions around the world. But hey...

Stranger Things have happened.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom", "tomb" is pronounced "toom" then shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced

"BOOM"



I hope that blew your minds

I made an award that looked like a cat's rear end, but nobody liked it.

It was a catastrophe.

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to be "saved" or else you'll "burn"

Stupid firemen

I can’t wait to get my first award

Sadly it’s from myself

Employee Award goes to......

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise....

I deserve an award for beating up a school shooter...

I beat him up every day for nearly a year before he shot up the school.

What kind of award do you give someone who has not moved a muscle in over a year?

A trophy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

George raises his beer mug in the air and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life having sex with my wife!" The bar is filled with whistles and claps, and the bartender even gives him a ribbon that says, "Best Toast of the Month".

When George gets home, he shows his wife, Linda, the ribbon. "And what exactly was your award-winning toast?" she asks.

George thinks for a while and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife."

The next day when George is at work, Linda is walking down ...

My wife won a regional Tastiest Coochie award

She won't stop rubbing it in my face

I've just won the 2013 'Most secretive person' award.

I can't tell you how much it means to me.

If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do.

On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller, “I want to open a fucking checking account.”

The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.”

The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation.

The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. <...

An old couple was sitting in Church...

...and the wife noticed that people were staring at her.

She leaned across to her husband and whispered, “I’ve just let go a silent fart. What do you think I should do?”

He said, “I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid.”

An artist goes on stage to receive an award

I wanna thank my legs, for supporting me.

My arms, for always being by my side.

My fingers, because I can always count on them.

And finally sidewalks, for keeping me off the street.

I got the 'Best Shoplifter Award' the other day!

I didn't win it though.

- Congratulations ! You’ve just won the most-awkward-situations award

-really?!!

-not you , the dude on your right

What sort of pasta do you use if you want to fix a musical theatre award?

Rigatoni

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men enter a bar in the USSR. One says, "Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?" The other one says, "Because he was afraid of capitalism."

The whole bar died laughing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: I'm terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are?

Me: *SCREAMS*

Therapist: Oh I see

Me: *SCREAMING INTENSIFIES*

Did you hear Twisted Sister performed for the "Geologist of the Year" award ceremony?

They played "I Won A Rock!"

What award…

actually slightly increases the average intelligence of country when given out?
The Herman Cain Award

What award does NASA give the astronauts that board their spacecraft particularly quickly?

The starship -enter-prize.

My friend is selling sells his award winning Doberman

When asked why he replied. "It attacked and killed my mother-in-law last week and I don't need it anymore.

Did you hear about the guy who won an award for having the most extra body parts?

He won the Chernobyl Piece Prize.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For many, figuring out who to give the free Reddit award will be similar to choosing who to lose your virginity to.

For some: it’s not a big deal, you’ll have fun with it, and it’ll be whoever you see in the moment.

For others: you’ll overthink it and fumble deciding. Soon the moment will pass and you’ll be a virgin forever.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stingy old lawyer

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the old saying, “You can’t take it with you.” After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.

He in...

The Universal Miss award goes to

Steve Harvey.

Mr Palmer was given the cow farmer of the year award today.

He said "this is the first time I've had a pat on the back"

The local dentist received an award for being the best dentist in town. Know what they gave him?

A little plaque.

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds.

An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town’s cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back t...

The laziest person award

There was an award ceremony for the laziest person in the world. Many lazy people came to the award show but nobody among them was awarded. Turns out the laziest person was too lazy to attend the award show.


So they went to the laziest persons house to give him the award in person. He wa...

Why cant you trust Italians at an award ceremony?

They've been known to rig a Tony

Two professors were at an award ceremony.

An interviewer approached them.
"Sorry to ask but everyone has been wondering, which one of you is cleverer?"

The first professor smiled modestly.
"I don't want to boast. But i also don't want to be dishonest...."

The second professor interrupted

"And yet you've managed to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I brought my cat to cat judging competition. I thought it went really poorly, but he did win an award for having the best butt.

It was a cat-ass-trophy

What award did Al Pacino get for playing a really angry veteran?

Mad Al of Honor

My son came home and said "I got the Zucker Award today at school!"

I said, "What's that?"

He said, "A big building with teachers and kids in it, dad, but that's not important right now"

I heard there was a new soundproof room design that was award-winning

It got a no bel prize.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What award did the cat who sniffed the most butts receive?

Catastrophe.

My uncle got an award for not wearing a mask.

The Darwin Award.

What does a Redditor say after winning a 1st place award in a competition?

EDIT: Thanks for the gold

My wife accused me of achieving nothing...

So I told her "well I won the Leslie Neilsen award at school."

"What's that?" she said

"It's a big building with kids in it"

What award do they give to the thinnest person in the world?

The No-Belly Prize

I had a friend ask me how to get an award...

I said it's a piece of cake!

What do an umbrella and the 12th Academy Award winner have in common?

They're both gone with the wind.

Someone gave me an award for a bad time travel joke.

You want to know what it was? Well I don’t know, I haven’t told it yet.

Did you hear about the new cathedral with no chimes whose towers won an architectural award?

It won the no-bell prize.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Black Mirror: Bandersnatch is definitely going to win in at least one award category...

...Viewer's Choice.

A bible salesman won top sales award

But people are confused because he is famously known for being so timid that when he speaks, he stutters. So when the award was announced and the salesman is invited to the stage, everybody wants to hear what this man says.

After handshaking the announcer, the man hesitantly approach the micr...

Did you hear about the award United Airlines just got?

They were voted best in Chinese takeaway!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was once on course to win the Best Blowjob of the Year Award

But I blew it.

I just dropped my award for feline rectal examinations and it smashed

It was a catastrophe

What award did the kid in a coma for six weeks win?

Atrophy.

My mate has just won an award for beating another 12 men in a bait digging contest.He has now been crowned.

The master baiter.

Looking Good

My face in the mirror isn’t wrinkled or drawn.

My house isn’t dirty. The cobwebs are gone.

My garden looks lovely and so does my lawn.

I think I might never put my glasses back on.







Edit: Wow, Thank you for the upvotes and also thanks for the award...

They gave me the ‘most illiterate kid in school’ award

I was so upset that I couldn’t even read my speech

A silver award is like me...

Useless.

Our chemistry professor told us he was excited about winning a platinum award on reddit. Someone responded “ Well, thats petty. “

He said, “No, actually, it’s Pt”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is having an affair...

... with a man.

One day, her 14-year-old son hides in the closet to watch what they do.Surprisingly, the husband comes home and the wife hides her lover in the closet without realizing that her son is already in there.

Son: " Kinda dark in here."Man: "Yes."Son: "I have a baseball."Man:...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two dwarfs walk into a bar where they pick up two prostitutes and take them back to their own respective rooms.

Unfortunately the first dwarf can’t get an erection no matter what. He’s depressed, and his depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, “one, two, three- uuump!” all night long.

In the morning the second dwarf asks the first, “ how was your night?”
<...

What do you call an award that wastes away?

Atrophy

British Airways bags the best in-flight service award!

On a long haul UK flight, a mother took her young son to the toilet and told him she would come back for him, in five minutes.

However, he was finished in two minutes so he left the toilet and wandered off down the aisle, in the opposite direction from where his mother was.

Meanwhile, ...

And the winner of this year’s national nepotism award goes to...

My son, for the third year running

An award given unexpectedly to only Knighted Men:

The sir prize.



Please feel free to improve this one >\_<

Years ago I won a tony for my work in the theatre, but year after year went by and my dull attempts to win another were in vain. Then, one day I wrote a play about how I changed my routine and began to lead an exciting life. For this I won another award.

You could say I’ve broken out of monotony

Just discovered there is an award you can give that doesn't require buying any coins!

I've been handing out orange and blue arrows ever since.

Elsa got an award for perfect attendance

Because a cold never bothered her anyway

A school teacher in Hyderabad was once asked, "Can you make a sentence without using 'E'?"

"I doubt I can. It’s a major part of many many words. Omitting it is as hard as making muffins without flour. It’s as hard as spitting without saliva, napping without a pillow, driving a train without tracks, sailing to Russia without a boat, washing your hands without soap. And, anyway, what would ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the "biggest feline butt" award?

It was a huge cat ass trophy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Us men can be great at multi-tasking too!

Ever tried jerking off, watching porn and keeping an eye on the door for intruders at the same time?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My kitty ate a sports award. Would it be very bad to just wait and let him poop it out?

I'm thinking it would be a cat ass trophy.

If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.

How lazy are you?

Lately my comment karma has been so good, Reddit sent me an award featuring a colorful lizard.

It's a comment karma chameleon.

After years at my job, I finally managed to walk away with the “Employee of the Month” award.

Unfortunately security caught me at the door.

A man is trying to sell his dog to a neighbor...

"You can have this dog for only five dollars, and he can actually talk." says the man. His neighbor says, "That's ridiculous, everyone knows dogs can't speak."

The dog looks up at the neighbor with big, sad, doggy eyes and says, "Oh please, kind sir, buy me so I won't have to live with my cru...

My dad won the industry award for best surgical oncologist.

They said his mastectomy work was breastaking.

A carcinogen wins an award

for most deaths caused in a year. When asked what his secret is he replies, “honestly, I just tried asbestos I could.”

I wrote a play about pasta and fairly won an award

Didn't even have to rig a Tony

Joaquin Phoenix won an award for weight loss transformation into Arthur Fleck in "Joker".

Atrophy.

What award did Gregor Mendel receive for his work in the field of Genetics?

The Nobel Peas Prize.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.