The international recognition of Jewish sovereignty is so bad...

...that they have to name their country "It's real" to remind everyone that it exists.

I tried to design a facial recognition system.



But it just wasn't me.

I'm delighted to say that after working so hard these past few months, all the recognition I deserve

Will go to my boss

I went to the dentist and they said I need a crown,

I thought "recognition at last"

Job application...

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast food establishment.
Not sure if they hired him....


NAME - Greg Bulmash


DESIRED POSITION - Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be a...

So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman...

...were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to ...

Everyone who is concerned about facial recognition software / loosing your privacy because of photos in the internet...

Just wait until you hear about driver licenses.

The Goldberg Brothers - Are well known as the Inventors of the automobile Air Conditioner.

Here's a little known fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends. The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. 

The four brothers walked...

Amazon’s facial recognition matched 28 members of Congress to criminal mugshots

Now they just have to fine tune it a bit to pick up the other five hundred and seven.

iPhone X has face recognition...

so girls aren't gonna be able to unlock their phones when they take their makeup off

Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger

are talking to each other about their long careers as action heroes. Sly says, "You did some okay comedy, but you have the governorship and political success to be proud of."

Arnold says, "You've had so much recognition in Hollywood. I've never been nominated for an Oscar, you have have been ...

Apple announced face recognition passwords

If your face was a password it would be password

iPhone X has face recognition!

What I can’t grasp is... how will it work with two-faced people?

A young man was a lifeguard and a swim instructor

All summer the young man would go to the neighborhood pool. In the mornings he would teach children of all ages pool safety and how to swim. In the afternoons he sat up in the big chair and watched swimmers.

Soon summer led to fall. The pool closed. The young man returned to school in the cit...

A moth walks into a podiatrist’s office.

He says “Doc, I’m not doing so well. My wife, Mrs. Moth is thinking of leaving me, my son Julio Moth hates me, my daughter Cindy Moth is a failure, and my boss Gregory Linovich is an evil person who feeds off my very demise. You see, I work at a factory and I’ve been at the place for 20 plus years. ...

Grandpas joke: Ellen's church recognition

Ellen was very involved with her church and community projects. So much so, the paster decided to recognize her efforts during Sunday service.

Paster Davis: I'd like to take a moment to recognize Ellen for her hard work and contributions. Ellen come up here and take a bow.

Ellen smi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I woke up with someone's ejaculate on my face, but I don't know whose it is

Anyone know a good facial recognition software?

Google announced a better speech recognition rate for its AI than for humans. I really love Google!

It understands me.

iPhone vs Samsung

iPhone user: The new iPhone is coming out

Samsung user: What's new?

iPhone user: We're getting facial recognition

Samsung user: Had that 4 year's ago next

iPhone user: We're getting wireless charging

Samsung user: Had that 2 year's ago next

iPhone user: We'r...

iPhone X has facial recognition.

It'll look at your face & tell you that you can't afford it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Lack of Recognition

Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the spiritual leader of their churches.

Baptists do not recognize each other in liquor stores or gentlemen's clubs.

Once upon a time, there was a country called Garbanzonia.

The country's entire economy revolved around chickpeas. One day, the United States declared war and invaded the country for oil. At the Battle of Bengal, the Garbanzonian troops were grossly outnumbered and outmatched. All hope seemed lost, but a man known as Yanni Siderás single-handedly fought ...

Found out my phone unlocks when I say "bukkake".

I have facial recognition turned on.

One buzzword in today’s business world is “Marketing”

Courtesy of a friend via email; this is a quick 'primer' on Marketing....
People often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well, OK, here it is:

* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass.

The CO says, "Are you crazy? You just joined the Israeli army, and you already
want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How did you do it?"

"Well, I j...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stanley was killed in a freak explosion in his garage...

There was nothing Stanley liked better than drinking beer, smoking cigarettes, and hunting. At least twice a week, Stanley went out in the woods with his hunting buddies Cletus and Jimmy. They never shot much, but they always had a few cases handy and always had a good time. They were practically in...

A man owned a sentient calculator

He would show it to people all the time, and tell them about the sentient calculator. He'd ask a question, and the calculator would give the answer, and every time it was the correct one. At first, people were excited, and they would demand to know what the trick was. A lot of theories, ranging from...

There was once a college math professor

While he was on tenure, he decided to continue taking classes in other subject areas because they were offered to him at a discounted cost. After 40 years of teaching, the professor decided to retire. Over his time working, he had amassed enough credits to have completed 180 different major programs...

Marketing 101

A professor explained about marketing to MBA students.
1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party, you go to her and say I am rich, marry me. That's direct marketing.
2. You attend a party and your friend goes to the girl to tell her, he's rich, marry him. That's advertising.
3. The same g...

Why are Subway cooks called "Sandwich Artists"?

Even art majors deserve recognition

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some construction workers are putting up a building...

The foreman is five stories up on the roof, about to cut some 2 x 4's when he realizes he doesn't have a saw. He shouts down to a worker on the ground.

"Hey!," the foreman yells. "I need a saw!"

The worker shrugs, unable to hear him over the machinery.

So the foreman shouts agai...

Three Scotsmen are relaxing in a motorboat out on Loch Ness.

Suddenly, they hear a strange rumbling. They look into the water and see a shadowy object moving quickly below them. Just as one of the men begins to speak, the boat is thrown twenty feet above the waterline and capsizes.

"It's the Loch Ness Monster!" they scream. Panicking, the men frantical...

Two men are walking...

Two men are walking when they come across a beautiful bridge,

The first man exclaimed “Wow! This bridge is gorgeous!”

The seconds man says “this is my work! But nobody ever gives me the recognition I deserve. No body goes up to me and says “hey it’s that guy who built that beautiful br...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman, and a Scotsman are all in a car, headed to Parliament.

When they arrive, they drive through the front gates and park up outside.

The Englishman says, "*I'm going to speak to the Prime Minister, to see what we can do about getting some national pride back.*"

The Scotsman says, "*Ah'm goin' tae speak wi' the Prime Minister, an' ask if they c...

Never any appreciation

Sure, I might be one of the world's greatest pickpockets, but does anyone ever notice?

However, there was one time when I ended up in a police lineup, but even then I didn't get the recognition I deserved.

A horse wanted to start a band.

It has always been a dream of his, the horse. He always fantasized about the day he’d sell out avenues with his talented bandmates. He thought to himself, “today, I will make my dream come true. No more waiting around.” Only problem is, he doesn’t know how to play any instrument, though he did have ...

Once, a family was having a child but the pregnancy was looking grim.

Once, a family was having a child but the pregnancy was looking grim. The doctors thought the child wouldn’t make it, but miraculously, it survived and was born normally. In recognition of this miracle, the parents named their child “Life”. Now, Life had a beautiful first year alive, laughing and sm...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar ...

... and sits down at a table. He had a pretty hard day at work so he orders a double and something to eat. While he waits for his food, a handful of others come in looking as beleaguered as he feels. These new patrons sit down at nearby tables and place orders similar to that which the man made.
...

Normal farmers get all the credit for being outstanding in their field...

...Meanwhile all the fish farmers are out there wading for recognition.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joe, Dave, Tommy, and Rodney start a folk rock band. Joe plays cymbals, Dave is on the 6-string, Tommy has the drums, and Rodney adds his unique twang to the vocals.

Their very first rehearsal, they come up with a great idea for an original composition. It takes heavy liberties with the cymbal part. Joe is ecstatic; cymbal players rarely ever get the recognition they deserve. This could be a revolution in the music industry!

They begin tuning and setting ...

Its getting a lot easier to un-lock phones these days

Now that they've added facial recognition you don't need to lift a finger!

General Custer is addressing his men at the Little Bighorn. He says "well boys, I've got some good news and some bad news."

"The bad news is that the Sioux are camped right down the hill. Come morning they're going to overrun us. They'll ride roughshod over our whole company and leave us all killed, then probably mutilate our corpses beyond recognition when they're done."

His lieutenant asks, "what's the good news...

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They asked Stephen King to write a horror story about a gorilla...

He told his publishers that he wanted to write it under his *nom de plume* "Richard Bachman." The problem, he said, was that he'd already written "The Monkey" under his own name. He didn't want people to think this new story was a sequel, or derivative in some way. Legally, since he'd sold the ri...

My girl doesn’t need an Iphone X

She already gets facial recognition

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Wasp who Won America's Heart (shaggy dog)

Deep in the wasp swamps of the wasp Florida keys, there lived a young wasp. Just as a proper wasp does, this wasp worked day and night for the hive. He worked and slaved and gave his all - but this wasp was no regular wasp, for within him was the ambition and the wisdom of a great, great wasp. So, w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got a new car radio yesterday

It has voice recognition. You shout "soul" and it plays a soul station. You shout "rock" and it finds rock and roll for you. You shout "country" and it finds country music.
I was enjoying this new technology when some children ran in front of my car, causing me to swerve at the last second. I yel...

Topical Jokes for 6/1

A video has surfaced of Justin Bieber saying the n-word. People are calling it the least offensive Justin Bieber video ever.

In Illinois, a 115-pound-woman won a hot dog eating contest, after she ate 28 hot dogs. The judges then congratulated the 138-pound-woman.

The NSA is reportedly ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three very pregnant women are sitting in the waiting room of the OB/GYN office...

In order to pass the time, all three women are knitting sweaters for their unborn babies.

The first mom puts down her knitting supplies, reaches into her purse, pulls out some pre-natal vitamins and says, "Good for mom, good for baby!" She downs a couple pills, and the two other moms nod and...

A man is out driving in the countryside

A man is out driving in the countryside where he suddenly comes across a big herd of sheep. He stops his car and get out waiting for the sheep to pass over the road. At the end of the herd he spots the shepherd. He goes over to the shepherd and starts a conversation.

-"If I can tell you exact...

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