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Recognition Jokes

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I woke up with someone's ejaculate on my face, but I don't know whose it is

Anyone know a good facial recognition software?

Did you hear about the guy who invented dip made from garbanzo beans but didn't get any recognition for it?

He was honored posthummusly

iPhone vs Samsung

iPhone user: The new iPhone is coming out

Samsung user: What's new?

iPhone user: We're getting facial recognition

Samsung user: Had that 4 year's ago next

iPhone user: We're getting wireless charging

Samsung user: Had that 2 year's ago next

iPhone user: We'r...

Grandpas joke: Ellen's church recognition

Ellen was very involved with her church and community projects. So much so, the paster decided to recognize her efforts during Sunday service.

Paster Davis: I'd like to take a moment to recognize Ellen for her hard work and contributions. Ellen come up here and take a bow.

Ellen smi...

iPhone X has face recognition...

so girls aren't gonna be able to unlock their phones when they take their makeup off

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A Lack of Recognition

Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the spiritual leader of their churches.

Baptists do not recognize each other in liquor stores or gentlemen's clubs.

Apple announced face recognition passwords

If your face was a password it would be password

iPhone X has face recognition!

What I can’t grasp is... how will it work with two-faced people?

Amazon’s facial recognition matched 28 members of Congress to criminal mugshots

Now they just have to fine tune it a bit to pick up the other five hundred and seven.

Everyone who is concerned about facial recognition software / loosing your privacy because of photos in the internet...

Just wait until you hear about driver licenses.

iPhone X has facial recognition.

It'll look at your face & tell you that you can't afford it.

So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman

were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to app...

I'm delighted to say that after working so hard these past few months, all the recognition I deserve

Will go to my boss

Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger

are talking to each other about their long careers as action heroes. Sly says, "You did some okay comedy, but you have the governorship and political success to be proud of."

Arnold says, "You've had so much recognition in Hollywood. I've never been nominated for an Oscar, you have have been ...

I just came on my phone’s screen and it didn’t unlock

So much for facial recognition

Marketing 101

A professor explained about marketing to MBA students.
1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party, you go to her and say I am rich, marry me. That's direct marketing.
2. You attend a party and your friend goes to the girl to tell her, he's rich, marry him. That's advertising.
3. The same g...

There isn't enough recognition for the farmer who used his barren field to host the first Bovine Boxing tournament

He gave up an awful lot to see some bulls hit.

Marketing Explained...

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed". That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed". That's Advertising.

You'r...

A man owned a sentient calculator

He would show it to people all the time, and tell them about the sentient calculator. He'd ask a question, and the calculator would give the answer, and every time it was the correct one. At first, people were excited, and they would demand to know what the trick was. A lot of theories, ranging from...

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An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass.

The CO says, "Are you crazy? You just joined the Israeli army, and you already
want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How did you do it?"

"Well, I j...

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Farmer Greg

A seasoned farmer named Greg had finally mastered his craft. He toiled day and night to understand every detail to growing the perfect crop. After 30 years he had made enough money to retire, but Greg wanted more. He wanted local recognition and fame.


So he decided to grow the state’s ...

I just realized my phone unlocks whenever I say "Bukkake"

I guess I had facial recognition turned on

How do you ID a person in a bukkake scene? [NSFW]

Facial recognition.

After earning his DDS; a dentist went and opened up his own practice.

He became widely known for his amazing skills, and was highly praised + recommended by every patient he ever had. One year; he was nominated for (and won) a prestigious medical award. Inscribed upon its ornate surface was his name and the specific honor: “Global Recognition of Outstanding Surgical S...

My Asian eye doctor

Since I am half-Chinese and half-Filipino, and in recognition of AAPI month, I shall relate what happened visiting the eye doctor. I had been having trouble seeing while driving, so I went to my eye doctor, who happens to be Asian like me. He did the usual things, the eye charts, peering into my e...

A young man was a lifeguard and a swim instructor

All summer the young man would go to the neighborhood pool. In the mornings he would teach children of all ages pool safety and how to swim. In the afternoons he sat up in the big chair and watched swimmers.

Soon summer led to fall. The pool closed. The young man returned to school in the cit...

It was July 17, 1946

The temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, had invented the first automobile air-conditioner.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were t...

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Elvis tattoo

Women walks into tattoo shop and asks artist if he could do a portrait tattoo of Elvis Presley on her inner thigh. He says of course and they negotiate a price $500 and he gets to work.

After a few hours the artist says it’s done. Women looks at the tattoo and was not satisfied. “That’s an e...

Normal farmers get all the credit for being outstanding in their field...

...Meanwhile all the fish farmers are out there wading for recognition.

Its getting a lot easier to un-lock phones these days

Now that they've added facial recognition you don't need to lift a finger!

Never any appreciation

Sure, I might be one of the world's greatest pickpockets, but does anyone ever notice?

However, there was one time when I ended up in a police lineup, but even then I didn't get the recognition I deserved.

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An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman, and a Scotsman are all in a car, headed to Parliament.

When they arrive, they drive through the front gates and park up outside.

The Englishman says, "*I'm going to speak to the Prime Minister, to see what we can do about getting some national pride back.*"

The Scotsman says, "*Ah'm goin' tae speak wi' the Prime Minister, an' ask if they c...

Did you ever hear of Juan the Magnificent?

Juan was just a young man growing up in rural Mexico. He felt he had little chance to grow up and do anything of importance or recognition. He'd grow up and work the land. The same as his father and his grandfather before him.


Until the day he saw the great magician Harry Houdini.

...

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The man and the horse couldn’t agree on what to name the new planet

Despite hours of brainstorms and workshops, the man and the horse couldn’t agree on what to name the new planet.

“New Terra is the sensible choice”, said the man, exasperated.

“Don’t give me that more-evolved-than-thou horse-shit”, said the horse, “why don’t you let a non-dominant life...

General Custer is addressing his men at the Little Bighorn. He says "well boys, I've got some good news and some bad news."

"The bad news is that the Sioux are camped right down the hill. Come morning they're going to overrun us. They'll ride roughshod over our whole company and leave us all killed, then probably mutilate our corpses beyond recognition when they're done."

His lieutenant asks, "what's the good news...

Three Scotsmen are relaxing in a motorboat out on Loch Ness.

Suddenly, they hear a strange rumbling. They look into the water and see a shadowy object moving quickly below them. Just as one of the men begins to speak, the boat is thrown twenty feet above the waterline and capsizes.

"It's the Loch Ness Monster!" they scream. Panicking, the men frantical...

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Some construction workers are putting up a building...

The foreman is five stories up on the roof, about to cut some 2 x 4's when he realizes he doesn't have a saw. He shouts down to a worker on the ground.

"Hey!," the foreman yells. "I need a saw!"

The worker shrugs, unable to hear him over the machinery.

So the foreman shouts agai...

There was once a college math professor

While he was on tenure, he decided to continue taking classes in other subject areas because they were offered to him at a discounted cost. After 40 years of teaching, the professor decided to retire. Over his time working, he had amassed enough credits to have completed 180 different major programs...

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I got a new car radio yesterday

It has voice recognition. You shout "soul" and it plays a soul station. You shout "rock" and it finds rock and roll for you. You shout "country" and it finds country music.
I was enjoying this new technology when some children ran in front of my car, causing me to swerve at the last second. I yel...

A moth walks into a podiatrist’s office.

He says “Doc, I’m not doing so well. My wife, Mrs. Moth is thinking of leaving me, my son Julio Moth hates me, my daughter Cindy Moth is a failure, and my boss Gregory Linovich is an evil person who feeds off my very demise. You see, I work at a factory and I’ve been at the place for 20 plus years. ...

Once, a family was having a child but the pregnancy was looking grim.

Once, a family was having a child but the pregnancy was looking grim. The doctors thought the child wouldn't make it, but miraculously, it survived and was born normally. In recognition of this miracle, the parents named their child "Life". Now, Life had a beautiful first year alive, laughing and sm...

Job application...

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast food establishment.
Not sure if they hired him....

NAME - Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION - Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here i...

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So during the WW2 german army occupied one ukrainian village...

So during the WW2 german army occupied one ukrainian village. German officer said to make one line formed with all ukrainian men that living in the village. Then officer makes next order:

"Every woman that will recognize his husband by only sucking penises with closed eyes will save both hers...

Marketing terms explained

1. You see a beautiful girl at a party. You walk right over to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
\--That's direct marketing.


2. You're at a party with friends and see a beautiful girl. One friend goes over to her, points at you, and says, "He's fantastic in bed."
\--That...

Two cellmates were in prison together for 25 years...

At first, finding themselves with a lot of spare time, the two began telling each other every last joke each of them could remember.

After years had passed, there were simply no more jokes left to tell. The two devised a number system to expedite the joke-telling in the event that one of them...

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Three very pregnant women are sitting in the waiting room of the OB/GYN office...

In order to pass the time, all three women are knitting sweaters for their unborn babies.

The first mom puts down her knitting supplies, reaches into her purse, pulls out some pre-natal vitamins and says, "Good for mom, good for baby!" She downs a couple pills, and the two other moms nod and...

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Stanley was killed in a freak explosion in his garage...

There was nothing Stanley liked better than drinking beer, smoking cigarettes, and hunting. At least twice a week, Stanley went out in the woods with his hunting buddies Cletus and Jimmy. They never shot much, but they always had a few cases handy and always had a good time. They were practically in...

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Joe, Dave, Tommy, and Rodney start a folk rock band. Joe plays cymbals, Dave is on the 6-string, Tommy has the drums, and Rodney adds his unique twang to the vocals.

Their very first rehearsal, they come up with a great idea for an original composition. It takes heavy liberties with the cymbal part. Joe is ecstatic; cymbal players rarely ever get the recognition they deserve. This could be a revolution in the music industry!

They begin tuning and setting ...

A horse wanted to start a band.

It has always been a dream of his, the horse. He always fantasized about the day he’d sell out avenues with his talented bandmates. He thought to himself, “today, I will make my dream come true. No more waiting around.” Only problem is, he doesn’t know how to play any instrument, though he did have ...

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A man walks into a bar ...

... and sits down at a table. He had a pretty hard day at work so he orders a double and something to eat. While he waits for his food, a handful of others come in looking as beleaguered as he feels. These new patrons sit down at nearby tables and place orders similar to that which the man made.
...

A man is out driving in the countryside

A man is out driving in the countryside where he suddenly comes across a big herd of sheep. He stops his car and get out waiting for the sheep to pass over the road. At the end of the herd he spots the shepherd. He goes over to the shepherd and starts a conversation.

-"If I can tell you exact...

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The Wasp who Won America's Heart (shaggy dog)

Deep in the wasp swamps of the wasp Florida keys, there lived a young wasp. Just as a proper wasp does, this wasp worked day and night for the hive. He worked and slaved and gave his all - but this wasp was no regular wasp, for within him was the ambition and the wisdom of a great, great wasp. So, w...

Two men are walking...

Two men are walking when they come across a beautiful bridge,

The first man exclaimed “Wow! This bridge is gorgeous!”

The seconds man says “this is my work! But nobody ever gives me the recognition I deserve. No body goes up to me and says “hey it’s that guy who built that beautiful br...

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