Tottenham have renamed their trophy room...

..to "The Room".

A shooting club was holding a competition. The winner was to get a somewhat ugly trophy, the second-placed shooter - a crate of champagne.

By the end of the final round, two shooters were tied for first place, so they were told to do a tiebreaker round - 5 shots at maximum distance. To keep things more dramatic, they had to shoot at the same time.

After both had stopped firing and were awaiting the results, one shooter turned to...

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What spaceship got a participation trophy for attempting the Kessel run?

The Millenial Falcon

I know a girl who could totally be a trophy wife.

Just... not for first place.

I think the world’s greatest dad trophy my kids just got me is kinda silly.

I think I was the only one that knew it was a competition.

Their bio dad definitely didn’t.

I accidentally called my wife a ‘trophy’ the other day...

She shot back, “Oh come on, just because you always finish first doesn’t mean you win anything!”

What do you get for winning a muscle loss competition?

Atrophy.

My friend just married a trophy wife

Apparently she didn’t win first place

My son lost a youth baseball game because of heavy rain...

...he received a precipitation trophy

The Trophy Maker (OC - long)

Old Rick Giuseppe was a fifth-generation trophy maker – like his father, grandfather, great grandfather and great great great grandfather before him. Alas, Old Rick Giuseppe’s wife had died a few years ago, and the man lived in solitude, apart from a cat named Jeffery, who was his late wife’s belove...

What is first prize in a competition to lose muscle mass?

a trophy.

What trophy do octopuses win as the grand prize in the cephalopod racing tournament?

The Suction Cup

If you hang the wrong side of a cat as a trophy on your wall

It would be a catastrophe

What type of trophy do you get when you’ve seen a traumatic amount of cat asses in your life?

A catastrophe

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up.

The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an a...

A woman who had no degree, achievements, or useful skills, except for being good looking, used to be known only as a trophy wife

today they're mostly known as social media influencers

My kitten won top prize in a cute competition.

Unfortunately, they messed up the award... Instead of making it in the shape of a kitty's face they made it into a kitty's behind!!

It's a real cat-ass-trophy!

My friend has died after his trophy cabinet fell on him.

He was a victim of his own success.

A man is obsessed with reeling in a big fish... A man is obsessed with reeling in a big fish, so much so that he eventually buys a huge, synthetic sturgeon and hangs it on the wall above his fireplace.

Eventually, however, looking at the fake trophy makes the man feel like a fraud, and he can't stand it.

One day, he makes a final attempt at fishing up something impressive. Finally, after hours of waiting, he reels in a record-breaking chub, one that weighs more than any other in recorded hi...

The award for 1st place in the feline bottom competition was stolen last night. Organisers say it was a...

Cat-ass-trophy.

I just married a trophy wife..

Her ears stick out and she has a list of previous boyfriends tattooed down her back...

African chief whose obsession was to conquer other chiefs and take their thrones as trophies

There was this African chief at the turn of the last century whose obsession was to conquer other chiefs and take their thrones as trophies. These thrones he would collect and display in the second level of his magnificent palace just above his own luxurious throne. This palace was renowned for its ...

The Trophy Wife

This guy is so sick of his hot trophy wife always asking for money.



So the next time she comes and asks him for some money he says "I'm not giving you any more money until you make some money for yourself."



So the next day he comes home from work and his wife says "I di...

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The Greatest hunter [long]

There once was a hunter who had some guest over to his house and was giving them a tour of his trophy room. At the entrance of the room there was a great giant white Gorilla, they asked him about it, he said: -"I spent three days and three nights with no sleep or food waiting for him to appear, he f...

What's the difference between the winner of a body building competition and a coach potato?

One has a trophy for muscles and the other has muscle atrophy.

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The Trophy Girlfriend.

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The old man said, “No, I’d like to ...

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A boy came home with a large trophy.

Dad: Son where did you get a trophy like that?

Son: I won the biggest dick competition at the fair.

Dad: You didn’t pull that big thing out in public did you?

Son: Just enough to win.

What do you win if you don't move a single muscle all week?

A trophy!

I got a trophy for 'best thief'

Well, I didn't actually win the competition.

After cremating my grandma, I put her ashes into a trophy.

She urned it.

A hunter shot a lion and wanted its head mounted. Unfortunately, the taxidermist got it backwards.

It was a real cat-ass-trophy

Don't let this election distract you...

From the fact that Slytherin blew a 472 to 312 point lead to Gryffindor for the House Cup during the trophy presentation ceremony at Hogwarts back in 1992.

What is it called when a cat wins a dog show?

A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!

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I really like being a trophy husband.

I just wish I wasn't a participation trophy.

Trophy Wife

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful looks and charm.

She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are ...

My doctor told me I could get a trophy from being on crutches

but all I got were smaller, weaker leg muscles.

My wife said I’m lucky to be married to a trophy wife.

I said to her, they giving out last place trophies?

What’s marvel’s favorite trophy

The Stan Lee cup

A kid comes home from school with a small trophy

Kid: Dad! Dad! I won the Airplane award at school!

Dad: Oh? What's that?

Kid: It's a big building with a lot of kids in it, but that's not important right now.

Someone broke into my house last night and stole my Limbo trophy.

Urgh, how low can you get.

People in glass houses...

A pacific island tribal king was infamous for conquering surrounding islands and stealing the defeated king’s throne, and then stowing it, like a trophy, in the attic of his grass hut.

One day when sitting on his throne in said grass hut, the ceiling collapses under the weight of his trophie...

I told my friend, "Someone tried to steal my Embarrassing Bodies trophy."

"Bloody hell, you need eyes in the back of your head these days," he replied.

I said, "Just as well I do, then."

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I brought my cat to cat judging competition. I thought it went really poorly, but he did win an award for having the best butt.

It was a cat-ass-trophy

I've got a trophy girlfriend.

I keep her locked in one of my cabinets.

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My fencing trophy

I recently placed 11th at a local fencing tournament. I got a participation award.
When I came home my wife asked me if I got a trophy
I said "Sword-of"

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When my kitten won the “Best Butt” prize at the pet show, it wasn’t just bad ...

it was a cat ass trophy.

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An old farmer and his neighbor butt heads

An old farmer lives in a world that is always a few generations behind the modern era. As the city grows, the suburbs encroach upon the rural countryside inhabitants that have stewarded these hills for the last 3 centuries. The farmer has a city-folk neighbor that moved in last year who often visits...

What kind of award do you give someone who has not moved a muscle in over a year?

A trophy.

Schwartz dies and they bring his body to the funeral home...

The mortician undresses the body, only to discover Schwartz had the biggest pecker he’d ever seen in his life. He can’t wait to tell his wife- but would she ever believe him? In a flash he cuts it off and places it in a gallon size jar with some embalming fluid.
He gets home, calls for his wife ...

My kids soccer championship was canceled due to rain and sleet.

So every player got a precipitation trophy.

An elderly man is getting married to his trophy wife, who refused to sleep with him until they were married.

The night of the wedding the both start undressing at their hotel. When he took his socks off, she saw that his toes were all deformed and bent. She asked "what the hell is that?"
"Tolio" the man replies.
"Don't you mean polio?" asked the women.
"Nope, when it's in your toes its called ...

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3 Cowboys NSFW

Three cowboys sat around a campfire, all exchanging tall tales about how tough they all were.

The first cowboy says “I’m the toughest of the bunch. I was out in the tall grass, looking for a good spot to take a piss. All the sudden this snake appears. And you can see in its eyes, it’s out fo...

Buddy Hackett's Duck Joke

A stock broker from New York went out on his first hunting trip alone. After four days in the cold and wet marsh, and after a dozen tries, he finally shot a duck. The duck spiraled down, and landed in a nearby farm.

The new hunter climbed the farm fence, and the farmer came out with a loade...

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Old man and trophy wife

An old man walks into a car dealership with his young trophy wife on his arm. He walks up to the manager and says, "I want to make deal with you. If you can do three things that I can do, I'll buy your most expensive car with cash plus 10% extra for you. If you can't, I get the car for free."
...

Cougar hunting

Two good Montana buddies were out hunting for a cougar that was
killing their sheep. They staked out an area of the woods near their
fields, and waited. After a while, sure enough, there came the
cougar. They patiently waited until it was close, and then they both
jumped up and shot ...

My trophy wife.

20 years ago, I married a trophy wife. Today, she looks like the Stanley Cup.

Every time a test comes up, my friends and I joke about how we should become trophy wives.

But it seems like a lot of work to be a trophy wife; always dressing up, keeping in shape, keeping everything plucked. If I married a rich guy, I would probably wear sweatpants, watch Netflix everyday, and get fat on pizza and cookie dough. So instead of being a trophy wife, I'd be an atrophy wife...

I won a medal at the gym for being most excitable during muscletraining

I'm really proud of my hyper-trophy

I don't know why there has been all this hate lately about trophy hunting exotic animals...

As a guy, on a couple of drunken nights I have slayed a few elephants... and a whale.

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I chained up my trophy wife in the basement...

She's atrophy wife now.

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WWII as a bar fight...

I made a bar fight for WWI in honor of the 101 anniversary of its end, and someone requested one for the sequel. So here it is.

Germany went into a deep depression after his defeat in the last fight. His bar tab from his enemies' victory drink was crushing. He started hitting the gym, and wan...

A man goes into a bar

A man goes into a bar and admires the stuffed lion’s head mounted on the wall. “What a great trophy,” says the man to the bartender. “I wouldn’t call it great,” replies the bartender. “That damn lion killed my wife.” “My God,” says the man, “were you on safari?” “No,” replies the bartender. “It fell...

I recently came fourth in the National Weatherman Awards

I won a trophy for precipitation.

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I always wanted a trophy wife,

But instead I got a participation medal girlfriend.

You can spend all of the quarantine without moving a muscle

And still get a-trophy

I stopped going to gym and guess what I got.

A trophy

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Kids can be savage...

This literally just happened a few minutes ago. I work at a school and this one girl was wearing a tee shirt that said "Future Trophy Wife". She was going to some effort to make sure other kids noticed the funny shirt she wore.
Eventually, another student shouted "WHAT KIND OF TROPHY? PARTICIPA...

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What did the millennial get on his wedding day?

A participation trophy wife.

Once in a small town lived a guy, who dreamt of having a car

He was fascinated by their speed and beauty, yet his parents wouldn't agree to fulfil his dream and buy it for him. So he changed various jobs, worked part-time and ran errands, anything just to get a bit closer to saving up for that final trophy. But as time came by his bank account didn't seem to ...

A black guy dies & finds himself at the Pearly Gates with St. Peter....

SP: Before I allow you to enter Heaven, you must tell me something truly extraordinary about your life.

BG: Sheeet, no problem. I was a star NFL QB for 15 years!

SP: One of many. What else?

BG: I have 2 Super Bowl rings & 3 MVP trophys!

SP: These things do not impress...

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A bloke walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waives the waiter over. "I want to see the cock-sucking, mother-fucking boss now," he says.

The waiter is naturally a bit taken aback and replies "Excuse me, sir, would you refrain from using that kind of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke says "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?" "Yes sir, I am", ...

I’m sick and tired of these millennial weathermen...

In my day, only the raining champion got an award, but nowadays everyone wants a precipitation trophy.

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My kitty ate a sports award. Would it be very bad to just wait and let him poop it out?

I'm thinking it would be a cat ass trophy.

My brother won a prize for staying in a hospital bed for a really long time.

He got a trophy.

I’m keeping my cast on as long as I can.

The doctor said if I keep it on, I’ll get a trophy.

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Once upon a time, there was a teeny-tiny spider...

...and as the spider wanted to repent for its carnivorous days by becoming a vegetarian, it decided to live the rest of its days in a quiet, peaceful place to live off the land and to avoid the temptation of telling everyone about its transformation (he's trying to be better really hard, you know?)....

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Small Anatomy Contest

This is a joke to tell in a group of guy friends:

3 guys find out about a contest to find who has the smallest body parts.

Guy 1: I've got the smallest hands in the world! I can win this one easy.

Guy 2: My ears are tiny! I can win the smallest ears contest, no problem.

G...

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A fly over a stream. [Dirty Joke]

One day, in a peaceful forest, a fly buzzed over a stream.

In the stream, a salmon was swimming, and it looked up and saw the fly. It thought to itself, "If that fly would drop down about a half an inch, I'd be able to jump up, catch it, and I'd have myself something to eat."

Alongside...

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Did you hear about the "biggest feline butt" award?

It was a huge cat ass trophy.

Did you hear about Marvel wanting to buy the NHL?

They want to rename the championship trophy, The Stan Lee Cup

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Hey Reddit - What's are some of your favorite one liners? I'll start...

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I fucked up!

-Mitch Hedberg

A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently it wasn't first place.

-Steven Wright

Why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the ...

I had a pet cat,

but in a tragic accident, the entire front half of him blew up. To memorialize him, I took what was remaining of him to a taxidermist. Now, all I have to remember him by is a cat-ass-trophy.

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What’s the difference between a plane crash and cat shit?

One is a catastrophe. The other is a cat ass trophy.

2 Millennials get into a counting contest

The announcer says "okay Millennials, start counting from 1 to 2000!"

They both scoff and easily count that high within minutes. One says "I'm a Millennial, I could count to 2000 in my sleep!

The announcer, obviously worried that there will not be a winner, thinks up a plan.

He ...

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My nan's cat died last week, and I wanted to do something a bit special for her to remember him by.

So I called up a local taxidermist.
"How much to have my nan's cat stuffed and on a wooden plinth, pouncing on a terrified mouse?" I asked.
"About £1,500," came the reply.
"FFFFifteen **hundred** quid?! That's a bit steep, how about curled up like he's sleeping peacefully?"
"Abou...

I didn’t think it was any big achievement, but...

This doctors note says I haven’t used my muscles in so long, I’m getting a trophy!

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