UPJOKE
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Someone broke into my house and stole my Limbo trophy

Just how low can these criminals go

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My wife is what they call “A Trophy Wife”.

A participation trophy

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Got myself a trophy of a cat's butt.

It is a catastrophe.

What do you give to someone who hasn't used their muscles In a long time?

A trophy

I accidentally called my wife a ‘trophy’ the other day...

She shot back, “Oh come on, just because you always finish first doesn’t mean you win anything!”

I'm sick and tired of this "everybody wins" mentality kids have these days.

Seriously, they never exercise, lie in bed 12 hours a day, and sit down far more often than they stand up. And they still get atrophy.

A shooting club was holding a competition. The winner was to get a somewhat ugly trophy, the second-placed shooter - a crate of champagne.

By the end of the final round, two shooters were tied for first place, so they were told to do a tiebreaker round - 5 shots at maximum distance. To keep things more dramatic, they had to shoot at the same time.

After both had stopped firing and were awaiting the results, one shooter turned to...

Trophy Girlfriend

Bill, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the country club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25-year-old blonde on his arm. She's hanging on his every word. His buddies at the club are aghast.

They corner him and ask, "Bill how did you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bill replies...

The trophy girlfriend

An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, “No, I’d l...

The Doctor was impressed with my health and presented me with a trophy

I just don't remember whether it was atrophy or dystrophy.

I just got a trophy for the world's weakest muscles!

What trophy?

Dystrophy

It's a mystery to me why men like trophy wives.

Their ears stick out and they have they've got the previous winners names tattooed down their backs.

An 60 guy introduced his friend to his new trophy wife

When they alone without the wife they asked him : "how did you got such a hot wife? "

He said: " i lied about my age"

"did you tell her that you are fifty?" asked one of his friends

"no i told her i am eighty" replied the man

Tottenham have renamed their trophy room...

..to "The Room".

My friend just married a trophy wife

Apparently she didn’t win first place

My wife just lays in bed all day

She’s atrophy wife

An Englishman goes on a hunting tour of the Americas. He first stops in Canada, where he shoots a large male grizzly bear

In order to ease the transportion of his trophy, the Englishman cuts the bear into pieces, seperating the legs, the arms and head from the torso. He then continues his tour southward crossing the border into the USA.

At the border a customs agent checks his belongings. "Sir," says the agent "...

What is your favorite Norm Macdonald joke/lune

"You,re the first defensive player ever to win the Heisman trophy, and no one can take that away from you."


"....Unless, of course, you kill your wife and a waiter"

If you see your joke, by all means comment, but don't repeat it, find another -he has thousands and thousands - I ...

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What spaceship got a participation trophy for attempting the Kessel run?

The Millenial Falcon

The Trophy Maker (OC - long)

Old Rick Giuseppe was a fifth-generation trophy maker – like his father, grandfather, great grandfather and great great great grandfather before him. Alas, Old Rick Giuseppe’s wife had died a few years ago, and the man lived in solitude, apart from a cat named Jeffery, who was his late wife’s belove...

My friend has died after his trophy cabinet fell on him.

He was a victim of his own success.

Told my girl she was a trophy

A catastrophy

What trophy do octopuses win as the grand prize in the cephalopod racing tournament?

The Suction Cup

The Trophy Wife

This guy is so sick of his hot trophy wife always asking for money.



So the next time she comes and asks him for some money he says "I'm not giving you any more money until you make some money for yourself."



So the next day he comes home from work and his wife says "I di...

What type of trophy do you get when you’ve seen a traumatic amount of cat asses in your life?

A catastrophe

If you hang the wrong side of a cat as a trophy on your wall

It would be a catastrophe

A woman who had no degree, achievements, or useful skills, except for being good looking, used to be known only as a trophy wife

today they're mostly known as social media influencers

What do you get for winning a muscle loss competition?

Atrophy.

Three dudes go hunting.

The first morning, hunter #1 heads out into the woods. He’s gone for like an hour, and comes back dragging a handsome 10-point buck.

“How’d you find it?” ask the other two.

“Well, I followed the tracks and I followed the tracks and soon enough, BLAM, out of nowhere there’s this deer!...

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The local hot shot had never lost a drag race.

He had a souped up little dragster he pieced together himself. It was an old Honda, sure, but this guy had tuned it to perfection. Not only that, he'd squeezed every ounce of horsepower out of it possible: straight pipes, turbo, the works.

There's a straightaway on a back road where all the l...

My dentist was voted "Dentist Of The Year"....

He didn't get a trophy, they just gave him a little plaque.

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I really like being a trophy husband.

I just wish I wasn't a participation trophy.

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Snow White, Superman and Pinocchio are walking in the city...

When they see a house with the sign on "Words prettiest woman contest". Snow White goes in and comes back out all happy, tiara on her head as a winner". They keep walking and see a gym with the sign up "Worlds strongest man contest". Superman goes in and comes back out as a winner with a trophy in h...

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Have you heard the one about the fly?

There was a fly, and he was flying about 4 inches above this stream.

Well in the stream there was this Trout, the Trout was thinking to himself, " Man, if that fly dropped down about 4 inches I could grab that little shit and have myself a nice little snack. "

Well, what the Trout di...

Storm Eunice has caused damages to English Football stadiums

All but Tottenham Hotspur stadium, have reported damages have taken place in the trophy cabinet.

African chief whose obsession was to conquer other chiefs and take their thrones as trophies

There was this African chief at the turn of the last century whose obsession was to conquer other chiefs and take their thrones as trophies. These thrones he would collect and display in the second level of his magnificent palace just above his own luxurious throne. This palace was renowned for its ...

I got a trophy for 'best thief'

Well, I didn't actually win the competition.

So UPS lost yesterday's Dreamhack trophy...

That's what happens when you call your company "Oops".

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Julia was organizing a cat show

Julia was organizing a cat show and needed a trophy for the first prize. So she contacted a sculptor to create a trophy that resembled a beautiful persian cat.

Julia and the sculptor got together to discuss the plans for this trophy. She wanted the base to be made of the finest white marble w...

My wife said I’m lucky to be married to a trophy wife.

I said to her, they giving out last place trophies?

Disaster at the pet show

Our ginger tom won overall best in show! It was a cat-has-trophy.

After cremating my grandma, I put her ashes into a trophy.

She urned it.

A kid comes home from school with a small trophy

Kid: Dad! Dad! I won the Airplane award at school!

Dad: Oh? What's that?

Kid: It's a big building with a lot of kids in it, but that's not important right now.

My doctor told me I could get a trophy from being on crutches

but all I got were smaller, weaker leg muscles.

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My fencing trophy

I recently placed 11th at a local fencing tournament. I got a participation award.
When I came home my wife asked me if I got a trophy
I said "Sword-of"

I've got a trophy girlfriend.

I keep her locked in one of my cabinets.

I told my friend, "Someone tried to steal my Embarrassing Bodies trophy."

"Bloody hell, you need eyes in the back of your head these days," he replied.

I said, "Just as well I do, then."

What is first prize in a competition to lose muscle mass?

a trophy.

An elderly man is getting married to his trophy wife, who refused to sleep with him until they were married.

The night of the wedding the both start undressing at their hotel. When he took his socks off, she saw that his toes were all deformed and bent. She asked "what the hell is that?"
"Tolio" the man replies.
"Don't you mean polio?" asked the women.
"Nope, when it's in your toes its called ...

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up.

The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an a...

What’s marvel’s favorite trophy

The Stan Lee cup

My trophy wife.

20 years ago, I married a trophy wife. Today, she looks like the Stanley Cup.

Every time a test comes up, my friends and I joke about how we should become trophy wives.

But it seems like a lot of work to be a trophy wife; always dressing up, keeping in shape, keeping everything plucked. If I married a rich guy, I would probably wear sweatpants, watch Netflix everyday, and get fat on pizza and cookie dough. So instead of being a trophy wife, I'd be an atrophy wife...

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Old man and trophy wife

An old man walks into a car dealership with his young trophy wife on his arm. He walks up to the manager and says, "I want to make deal with you. If you can do three things that I can do, I'll buy your most expensive car with cash plus 10% extra for you. If you can't, I get the car for free."
...

My son lost a youth baseball game because of heavy rain...

...he received a precipitation trophy

A man is obsessed with reeling in a big fish... A man is obsessed with reeling in a big fish, so much so that he eventually buys a huge, synthetic sturgeon and hangs it on the wall above his fireplace.

Eventually, however, looking at the fake trophy makes the man feel like a fraud, and he can't stand it.

One day, he makes a final attempt at fishing up something impressive. Finally, after hours of waiting, he reels in a record-breaking chub, one that weighs more than any other in recorded hi...

I don't know why there has been all this hate lately about trophy hunting exotic animals...

As a guy, on a couple of drunken nights I have slayed a few elephants... and a whale.

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I chained up my trophy wife in the basement...

She's atrophy wife now.

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Straight to controversial, I know.

What did the millennial get on his wedding day?

A participation trophy wife.

What do you call it when a cat wins a dog show?

A cat-has-trophy.

My grandma was quite the athlete

She had trophies for all sorts of things. Her most prized was a limbo trophy she won in Hawaii. When she passed my brother wanted it. I said no and he stole it. How much lower can you go?

My kitten won top prize in a cute competition.

Unfortunately, they messed up the award... Instead of making it in the shape of a kitty's face they made it into a kitty's behind!!

It's a real cat-ass-trophy!

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I always wanted a trophy wife,

But instead I got a participation medal girlfriend.

What do you win if you don't move a single muscle all week?

A trophy!

Don't let this election distract you...

From the fact that Slytherin blew a 472 to 312 point lead to Gryffindor for the House Cup during the trophy presentation ceremony at Hogwarts back in 1992.

Schwartz dies and they bring his body to the funeral home...

The mortician undresses the body, only to discover Schwartz had the biggest pecker he’d ever seen in his life. He can’t wait to tell his wife- but would she ever believe him? In a flash he cuts it off and places it in a gallon size jar with some embalming fluid.
He gets home, calls for his wife ...

A hunter shot a lion and wanted its head mounted. Unfortunately, the taxidermist got it backwards.

It was a real cat-ass-trophy

What's the difference between the winner of a body building competition and a coach potato?

One has a trophy for muscles and the other has muscle atrophy.

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I brought my cat to cat judging competition. I thought it went really poorly, but he did win an award for having the best butt.

It was a cat-ass-trophy

People in glass houses...

A pacific island tribal king was infamous for conquering surrounding islands and stealing the defeated king’s throne, and then stowing it, like a trophy, in the attic of his grass hut.

One day when sitting on his throne in said grass hut, the ceiling collapses under the weight of his trophie...

My kids soccer championship was canceled due to rain and sleet.

So every player got a precipitation trophy.

Cougar hunting

Two good Montana buddies were out hunting for a cougar that was
killing their sheep. They staked out an area of the woods near their
fields, and waited. After a while, sure enough, there came the
cougar. They patiently waited until it was close, and then they both
jumped up and shot ...

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3 Cowboys NSFW

Three cowboys sat around a campfire, all exchanging tall tales about how tough they all were.

The first cowboy says “I’m the toughest of the bunch. I was out in the tall grass, looking for a good spot to take a piss. All the sudden this snake appears. And you can see in its eyes, it’s out fo...

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The Greatest hunter [long]

There once was a hunter who had some guest over to his house and was giving them a tour of his trophy room. At the entrance of the room there was a great giant white Gorilla, they asked him about it, he said: -"I spent three days and three nights with no sleep or food waiting for him to appear, he f...

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WWII as a bar fight...

I made a bar fight for WWI in honor of the 101 anniversary of its end, and someone requested one for the sequel. So here it is.

Germany went into a deep depression after his defeat in the last fight. His bar tab from his enemies' victory drink was crushing. He started hitting the gym, and wan...

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An old farmer and his neighbor butt heads

An old farmer lives in a world that is always a few generations behind the modern era. As the city grows, the suburbs encroach upon the rural countryside inhabitants that have stewarded these hills for the last 3 centuries. The farmer has a city-folk neighbor that moved in last year who often visits...

My brother won a prize for staying in a hospital bed for a really long time.

He got a trophy.

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When my kitten won the “Best Butt” prize at the pet show, it wasn’t just bad ...

it was a cat ass trophy.

A black guy dies & finds himself at the Pearly Gates with St. Peter....

SP: Before I allow you to enter Heaven, you must tell me something truly extraordinary about your life.

BG: Sheeet, no problem. I was a star NFL QB for 15 years!

SP: One of many. What else?

BG: I have 2 Super Bowl rings & 3 MVP trophys!

SP: These things do not impress...

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A fly over a stream. [Dirty Joke]

One day, in a peaceful forest, a fly buzzed over a stream.

In the stream, a salmon was swimming, and it looked up and saw the fly. It thought to itself, "If that fly would drop down about a half an inch, I'd be able to jump up, catch it, and I'd have myself something to eat."

Alongside...

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A bloke walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waives the waiter over. "I want to see the cock-sucking, mother-fucking boss now," he says.

The waiter is naturally a bit taken aback and replies "Excuse me, sir, would you refrain from using that kind of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke says "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?" "Yes sir, I am", ...

You can spend all of the quarantine without moving a muscle

And still get a-trophy

Buddy Hackett's Duck Joke

A stock broker from New York went out on his first hunting trip alone. After four days in the cold and wet marsh, and after a dozen tries, he finally shot a duck. The duck spiraled down, and landed in a nearby farm.

The new hunter climbed the farm fence, and the farmer came out with a loade...

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Hey Reddit - What's are some of your favorite one liners? I'll start...

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I fucked up!

-Mitch Hedberg

A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently it wasn't first place.

-Steven Wright

Why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the ...

I’m sick and tired of these millennial weathermen...

In my day, only the raining champion got an award, but nowadays everyone wants a precipitation trophy.

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Kids can be savage...

This literally just happened a few minutes ago. I work at a school and this one girl was wearing a tee shirt that said "Future Trophy Wife". She was going to some effort to make sure other kids noticed the funny shirt she wore.
Eventually, another student shouted "WHAT KIND OF TROPHY? PARTICIPA...

I stopped going to gym and guess what I got.

A trophy

I’m keeping my cast on as long as I can.

The doctor said if I keep it on, I’ll get a trophy.

Once in a small town lived a guy, who dreamt of having a car

He was fascinated by their speed and beauty, yet his parents wouldn't agree to fulfil his dream and buy it for him. So he changed various jobs, worked part-time and ran errands, anything just to get a bit closer to saving up for that final trophy. But as time came by his bank account didn't seem to ...

2 Millennials get into a counting contest

The announcer says "okay Millennials, start counting from 1 to 2000!"

They both scoff and easily count that high within minutes. One says "I'm a Millennial, I could count to 2000 in my sleep!

The announcer, obviously worried that there will not be a winner, thinks up a plan.

He ...

Did you hear about Marvel wanting to buy the NHL?

They want to rename the championship trophy, The Stan Lee Cup

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Once upon a time, there was a teeny-tiny spider...

...and as the spider wanted to repent for its carnivorous days by becoming a vegetarian, it decided to live the rest of its days in a quiet, peaceful place to live off the land and to avoid the temptation of telling everyone about its transformation (he's trying to be better really hard, you know?)....

A man goes into a bar

A man goes into a bar and admires the stuffed lion’s head mounted on the wall. “What a great trophy,” says the man to the bartender. “I wouldn’t call it great,” replies the bartender. “That damn lion killed my wife.” “My God,” says the man, “were you on safari?” “No,” replies the bartender. “It fell...

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My kitty ate a sports award. Would it be very bad to just wait and let him poop it out?

I'm thinking it would be a cat ass trophy.

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Did you hear about the "biggest feline butt" award?

It was a huge cat ass trophy.

I recently came fourth in the National Weatherman Awards

I won a trophy for precipitation.

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