What do a good competitor and a laxative have in common?

Both give you a run for your money.

I created a Reddit competitor. It's failure was poetic, given its name:

Blue-it

Which country brought the most competitors to the 2018 Winter Olympics?

Brazil. They brought 8 Brazilian athletes.

I want to start a competitor website to Farmers Only...

I want to start a competitor website to Farmers Only. I wanted to call it eFarmony, but I realized that there's a way better name.

Attractor. Where technology and love combine. Meet someone on a tractor.

Farmers these days need to feed their cows marijuana to create a better tasting steak than their competitors

It seems these days the steaks could never be higher.

What do you call competitors of McDonald's?

Arch enemies.

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A Russian factory owner and his Japanese competitor meet up to discuss some business offers.

They produce the same kind of engine and talk about some details about the manufacturing process.

The Japanese man says: "I have nine people working on assembly, how many do you use?". The Russian actually has a hundred doing the same, but not to embarrass himself he says "I actually hire ten...

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Do you know what a true competitor is? [NSFW]

It's a guy who enters a masturbation contest and comes in first, third and ninth.

There was a competition of submarines.

Three people joined, two of them were from the competition held the previous year. The two presented the same sub no difference but it was the same thing the judge had seen every single year.

The judge then left the two and went to the new competitor when he saw his it was the ugliest thing h...

What is the car company, Kia's, main competitor?

Nokia

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The terrible 2nd place prize

A girl enters a game show that allows her to win a trip to space and visit the cosmos at the furthest regions of our solar system. The girl must compete in games related to space and physics to determine if she’s got what it takes to go.

After hours of grueling physical and emotional trauma t...

The marching contest

Three countries were having a marching contest. America, Spain and Russia. They had 3 weeks to prepare.


The Russian soldiers marching was perfect. They were all in time, with great rhythm.


The American soldiers were also close to immaculate.


But, the Spanish soldi...

An engineer, a mathematician, a cartographer and a philosopher have a contest...

An engineer, a mathematician, a cartographer and a philosopher have a contest. Whoever can fence off the largest area of land with only 100 meters of fence will win and prove their profession superior.

The engineer goes first, and using his expertise makes a square 25m by 25m for 625m^(2). Co...

Busy barber

A guy walks to a barber shop, opens the door and asks the barber "how long is the wait?"

The barber looks at the line of people waiting and says "oh, about 90 minutes"

The man leaves and never comes back.

The next day the man goes to the same barber asking "how long is the wait ...

A man stands on a street corner, looking for the right customer to sell to.

The man sees another man who seems important. Fancy, gray suit from a world-renown tailor, a watch witch appears to be 24k gold and looks like the guys in the suit commercials.

The man on the corner takes his chance. "Excuse me, sir in the gray!" He starts, getting the man's attention. "Would...

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An Old Jewish Joke

Saul was struggling to take his last breaths when he asked his former business partner and ex-friend Seymour to come to his bedside.

“Seymour,” said Saul barely able to breathe. “I’m dying. But before I go, there’s some things I have to get off my chest.”

“Please Saul,” said Seymour. ...

In a very large commercial building there were three stores owned and run by three different businessmen.

The businessman who had his store at one end of the building put up a sign that read "Year End Clearance Sale".

At the far end of the building, not to be outdone, the other businessman put up a sign that read "Closing Out Sale".

The businessman who ran the store in the middle got nervo...

Breaking News: In a press media briefing, United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz has stated...

"Since we cannot beat our competitors, we have resorted to beating our customers".

A businessman is spending Christmas in a hotel for a meeting.

As it happens, the city he’s visiting is host to the world’s largest chess tournament, and most of the competitors are staying in the same hotel.

The businessman doesn’t really interact with the chess players during his stay, since his meeting is on another floor. But one morning he comes do...

What do the 2016 Rio Olympics and the 2016 US presidential race have in common?

Half of the competitors cheat and the other half aren't qualified.

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The greatest swordsman in the world.

There was a competition going on in Spain to see who the worlds greatest swordsman was. The final three competitors had been chosen and were brought on stage in front of the anticipating crowd to showcase their talent. The first swordsman stepped forward causing the crowd to hush. One of the judges ...

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An old couple were lying in bed...

...getting ready to go to sleep. All of a sudden the man lets out a huge fart, and says "I'm winning!"

His wife says "what are you talking about?" He tells her, "It's a game. Fart football. I just scored a touchdown. I'm winning!"

Not to be outdone, the lady lets out a cheek-ripper her...

At the Olympics

At the Olympics a man went up to a competitor who was carrying a very long pole.

"Are you a pole vaulter?"

"No, I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?"

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS...

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea.

He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop.

It read… MAIN ENTRANCE.

Humans vs Robots

A company working on artificial inteleigence created three robots. To test them, the company announced a competition of various tasks between the 3 robots and 3 humans. Lo and behold, the robots won in every category so far, but there still was one; hunting.

In this task, the competitors had...

I've started competing in discus meets

I almost won a trophy yesterday. I threw the discus really far, but this other competitor named Gus got my throw erased. He said my throw got lifted by a burst of wind, so he went to the track officials.

This Gus discussed his disgust on the discus.

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I think Pizza Hut is the cockiest pizza chain on the planet

because Pizza Hut will accept all competitors' coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place: Mitch's Pizzeria -- this week's coupon: unlimited free pizza.'

Our government don't like thieves

They hate competitors

YouTube is the nicest company ever...

They just want to even the playing field so their competitors have a chance to catch up to them.

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Real Rabbi Joke

OK - so many years ago, i was actually a practicing jew, in a yeshiva no less. The rabbi's would sometimes tell us jokes. most were awful. this one i thought was amusing. in a reddit filled with old reposts, i think it'll at least be a bit fresh.

A long time ago there was a small jewish commu...

Tourist mementos.

Artifacts and gifts for tourists are a major portion of an Indian reservation's economy.

Thousands of visitors tour reservations each year and will not leave without purchasing at least one memento of traditional Indian culture.

One enterprising Native American was able to outsell all ...

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So Sports Authority is going out of business.

I hear their competitors are real Dicks.

In the latest federal North Korean election, Kim Jung Un won 100% of the vote.

A landslide victory against his sole competitor: "*Or else*".

Pun comp

Last week I entered a pun competition. Each competitor had to come up with 10 puns. The judges would vote which pun was the best after 10 rounds. After all 10 rounds, do you know how many of mine won?

No pun in-ten-did.

Sorry

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The Silent Debate

Note: This is a joke best told in person by somebody who's not afraid to go all out with gesticulations and accents.

The silent debate was a yearly event that was the Super Bowl of the intellectual world. It was watched live by tens of thousands, and broadcast on countless major networks. Fo...

Life policies to die for.(Long)

Peter is a very meticulous guy, and leaves no stone unturned to get the best deal on anything and everything. He decides to shop around for life insurance and he picks three insurances at random to check their rates.

When he goes to the first one and expresses his desires, the salesperson to...

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