Me to HR: Your careers page says the company offers "competitive salary". What does that mean exactly?

HR: That means your salary will be competing with your bills.

My grandpa was very competitive...

My grandpa was so competitive with me and would always try to win any game we played. Baseball. Soccer. Even who could eat the most corn dogs.

But I’ll never forget his last words to me as he was about to pass away, he look at me wide eyes and with his last breath he said…

…”staring c...

Owning the ultra-competitive rival

So there’s this guy who likes to play sports but he’s fairly casual about it. That he sometimes loses isn’t a big deal until his old rival and school bully shows up in his life again.

At first, the bully acts as if he has changed his ways and now just wants to hang out with his former vict...

What do prize winning competitive mushroom pickers eat in the morning?

Breakfast of Champignons

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Sperm Clinic nurse asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup.

I said I wasn’t ready for competitive wanking.

My wife has been watching a lot of those competitive cooking shows and it is really inspiring her…

She now critiques everything I cook for her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My husband and son getting competitive while playing games.

Husband said “I fucked your mom”

To which the son replied “I have been deeper inside her than you’ll ever be”

Where do people injured playing competitive peek-a-boo go when they're hurt?

The ICU

My wife and I laugh about how petty and competitive we are.

But I laugh much more.

You try

Spell the word 'cow' in 13 letters – a question asked in a competitive exam Intellectuals went mad analyzing it. Highly-reputed professors were stumped thinking what could be the answer. Lecturers debated that the question itself was wrong, maybe there was a printing mistake, etc. Toppers were confu...

Competitive

A guy walks up to me and asks if I do recreational drugs. I told him "no I only do competitive ones".

The crematorium industry is super competitive

You gotta urn your keep

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know what's funny about bathing suits?

If a man swims in a bathing suit that only covers his private parts, he will almost always be swimming competitively. If a woman swims in a bathing suit that only covers her private parts, she will almost always be swimming casually.

My boyfriend and I always laugh about how competitive we are

But I laugh harder

Don't let casual racism be a part of your life

Go competitive

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I never thought I'd be in the competitive world of long-distance ejaculation

And now look how far I've come.

Competitive lumberjacking will never be a sport as it isn't a matter of skill

It just comes down to whoever has logged the most hours

Why do Narcissists quit competitive High Jumping just when they get good at it?

They can never get over themselves.

Being on lockdown together has made my wife and me really conscious of how competitive we are. We've been having a good laugh about it!

(I laugh more than she does, though.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The existence of casual sex infers the existence of competitive sex, and since none of you have competed

You're all fucking casuals

My dad was so Competitive that on his death bed, as he breathed his last

He said, "Staring contest... GO."

My friend just became the World Champion in competitive origami.

He’s great at folding under pressure.

Sometimes my wife laughs at how competitive I am

But I just laugh back. More. And louder.

A priest and a nun are having a tennis match...

The priest is very competitive, but can’t seem to bring his A-game to the nun who is clearly better. After a volley from the nun, the priest misses and yells: “Goddamn it! I missed!”, startling the nun. She let it slip by and the match continues.

But alas, after a fierce back-hand from the nu...

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