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Clinic Jokes

An older woman, well past child-bearing years went to a walk-in clinic where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the exam room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out the door, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was, and she told him what had happened.
After hearing her out, he sat her down in another exam room and marched back to where the first doctor was and demanded, “what is the matter with you? That lady is over 60 years old, has four grown...

A Chinese doctor can't find a job in an America, so he opens his own clinic...

Six months later, a lawyer walks by the clinic and notices there's a sign outside that says "TREATMENT COST $20, IF WE CAN'T CURE YOU GET $100 BACK."
The lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. The doctor comes right up to him as he enters.

Doctor: "W...

I’ve just found out there’s an actual clinical name for the condition where you can’t sleep and just eat instead

It’s called insom-nom-nom-nom-nia

A Saudi woman goes into a doctor's clinic

Doctor: Mrs Saud there's some good news for you.
Woman: Excuse me, it's Miss Saud not Mrs Saud.
Doctor: Pardon me. Miss Saud, there's some bad news for you.

What brand of mint do they have at Mental Health Clinics?

Dementos

I applied for a job at the gynaecology clinic today.

I’d heard there was a lot of openings there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Sperm Clinic nurse asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup.

I said I wasn’t ready for competitive wanking.

What is the best name for an abortion clinic?

Don’t Kid Yourself.

2 kids outside a clinic

Two children, Johnny and Alex were sitting outside a clinic.



Alex was crying very loudly.



Johnny: Why are you crying?



Alex: I came here for a blood test.



Johnny: So? Are you afraid?



Alex: No. For the blood test, they cut my f...

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Get your treatment for $500. If not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor Young (who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans
about medicine) thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000
so he went to Dr. Geeze...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pharmaceutical company began clinical trials for a new sedative.

The goal was to develop a non-prescription drug that provided perfectly smooth, calming relaxation with just one pill. On the first day of trials, the lab assistant realized they had forgotten to pick up the sugar pills that were needed for the placebo. The lead researcher was furious! Most stores i...

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walked into a blood donation clinic

The nurse asked the rabbit: "What's your blood type?"

"I'm probably a type O", said the rabbit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Went to the sperm clinic earlier today. The lady if I''d like to masturbate in the cup....

I said, I'm good but I'm not ready to compete in a tournament yet.

I signed up at the busiest diet clinic in town

They put me on a weight list.

I went to the haemorrhoid clinic yesterday

It was really busy, standing room only.

My wife got a new job at a vet clinic, and almost killed a dog her first day. (Oc)

But she’s getting better at euthanasia.

I locked my keys in my car outside an abortion clinic

They gave me the dirtiest look when I went in and asked to borrow a coathanger.

Pedro reaches the doctor's clinic

Pedro reaches the doctor's clinic looking very despondent.

Doc: What're you here for?

Pedro: The vasectomy camp.

Dr: Oh ok. How many kids do you have?

Pedro: None. I am not even married !!

Dr (shocked): Then why do you want a vasectomy?

Pedro: Every man in t...

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A man found his dick all red and swollen after banging a hooker.

In a panick he rushed to his family doctor to get it checked. The doc told him there was no cure and the only way was to have it amputated.

Refusing to accept his fate, he stomped out of the clinic and went to the best urologist in his country. But even there he was told that there was no cur...

When cops arrest a clinically insane person...

...are they busting a nut?

Not only is my wife really funny, but she's a world class clinical oncologist too.

She has a great sense of tumour.

Guy says to a receptionist at the clinic.

Guy: When I donate blood, I don't extract it myself, the nurse does it for me.

Receptionist: I understand sir, but this is the sperm bank, it doesn't work that way here....

Callum’s Seafood Restaurant and Circumcision Clinic

Where yesterday’s cut is today’s calamari!

My friend graduated from medical school after 7 years.

He then got a job at his local clinic, but shortly got fired after that for sleeping with his patients!

He was one of the most promising veterinarians in our class

Somebody offered me free Hamilton tickets if they could have my place in line at the Covid vaccination clinic, but I had to turn them down.

Not throwing away my shot!

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The perfect clinic

A man is driving down a road an sees a sign for a clinic that says " we cure all diseases for $500, and if we can't we give you $500" the man is Interested and goes in. When he's with the doctor he tells him " doctor I can't taste anything" the doctor responds by saying "nurse give this man 2 cups o...

A woman takes her kid to the walk-in clinic.

They're in the waiting room, and the kid gets bored. He starts to flip the pages of a magazine.

A friendly stranger notices, and says to the woman, "Looks like you've got a little bookworm."

"No," she replies, "pinworms."

An engineer had a sign in front of his clinic that said, "Medical consultation for only $50. If I can't make you better, I will pay you $100."

A doctor, knowing he can stump the engineer and wanting to get some cash, goes straight to the engineer. "Hey," he says. "I lost my sense of taste. I can't taste any food anymore."

The engineer takes a small bottle from his drawer, told the doctor to take his tongue out, and put 15 drops of t...

I locked myself out of my car next to an abortion clinic...

It was really awkward asking them for a hanger

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Mr. Johnson walks into a clinic and says to the doctor, "I have thought about this for years, and I have decided that I want to get castrated."

"Are you sure about this?" asks the doctor. "It will really change your sex life."

"Sex life shmex life!" shouts Mr. Johnson. "I want to be castrated!" The doctor sighs and sets an appointment.

A few weeks later, Mr. Johnson wakes up in a hospital ward after his surgery. He turns to th...

What do you call a gamer who works at a abortion clinic?

Spawn camper

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor because he can't keep his food down…

"I don't know why, Doc, but every time I eat something it just comes back up a little while later!"

The doctor examines him, and then says "I think you may be a good candidate for this experimental treatment I'm developing, if you're willing."

"At this point, I'm willing to try anythin...

(NSFW) A woman goes to the clinic to get her "lips" done

We live in a day and age where everything is possible at the plastic surgeon. And this woman had thought to have something done about her "lips" (down there) so scheduled a meeting with the surgeon.

The surgeon evaluated her and said that it would not be a problem and she could have her oper...

Shakespeare goes into a clinic with a fever and asks

Flu B or not Flu B?

One morning at a doctor's clinic a patient arrives complaining of serious back pain.

The doctor examines him and asks him:

"Tell me what happened to your back...?"



The patient replies: "Sir, I work for a local night club. This morning I went to my apartment early and heard some noise in my bed room.

On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and th...

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Dave at the Clinic.

Doctor: Congratulations Dave Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !

Dave: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex.

Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke?

Dave: No I'm sure it didn't.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me ...

The Chinese medic , opens a private clinic.

At the front dor , there was a huge banner saying : " The treatment costs $20 , if you don't get cured , we will give you $100 back"

A lawyer walking by saw the sign and thought it's a good opportunity for him to make an easy $100 , so he walks into the clinic .

- I have lost my tas...

A very heavy blond went to the clinic to lose weight.

The doctor told her to eat what she normally ate for three days and then skip a day. He told her she would have lost at least 4 pounds till the next month.

She came back four weeks later, 30 pounds lighter! The doctor looked at her surprised and said "How do you feel now?"

Blonde: "I a...

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A man visits an Ejaculation clinic [NSFW]

A man visits an ejaculation clinic depressed that when he cums, all he can manage is a poor dribble at the end of his cock.

‘When I watch porn’ he tells the receptionist ‘they shoot it all over the poor girls face... some from like a metre away.’

‘Don’t worry’ replies the receptionist...

The owner of the only abortion clinic that vowed to defy Texas' new law prohibiting abortions past 6 weeks says, it's never been busier...

"Currently we got a 24 month wait list"

A patient broke out of an amputation clinic!

Don't worry, hes unarmed

An antivaxer has a heart attack. He's rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
<...

A doctor once got rich when he realized he could run a lucrative circumcising clinic by

keeping all the tips

My uncle runs a clinic inside a hotel in Spain

He come out late at night to ring people's doorbells.

Because nobody suspects The Spanish Inn Physician

what do the elderly least want to hear at the covid vaccination clinic ?

“Dr shipman will see you now”

An engineer quit his job and decided to open a clinic...

He hung a sign saying," I will cure your illness for $500 otherwise, if I fail to cure it, I will pay you $1500."

A doctor was curious and assumed that he could easily exploit this, so he walked into the clinic and told the engineer,“ I have lost my taste."

Upon hearing this, the engin...

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A unemployed guy once thought to start the clinic

The clinic rules were:
1) The price of the treatment is 300$
2) If I am unable to treat you, I payback 1000$

A doctor, passing by through the clinic read the rules and thought it was a great opportunity to make money. He went in and said the guy: "I can't feel the taste".
...

There guy goes to a weight loss clinic and says he needs to lose 20 lbs.

The receptionist sends him upstairs, where he finds a beautiful naked woman with a sign that says "If you catch me, you can screw me." An hour later, he emerges, sated and 20 lbs. lighter. A month later, he returns and needs to lose 50 lbs. The receptionist sends him upstairs again, but this time ...

What did Velma say to Scooby at the haunted methadone clinic?

"Junkies!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The patient goes to see a doctor: “I am pooping like noodles!”

“Like literally, my poop is shaped like noodles,” the patient says as he sits down in the consulting room.

Doc is dumbfounded. In all his years of training and practice, he hasn’t encountered a symptom like this. He thinks hard and prescribes some antibiotics, hoping they will solve the probl...

A guy walks into a clinic with a bruised eye

Doctor : How did this happen?

Guy : I was banging my neighbor over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" I should have probably ran.

I'm not sure how every clinic knows I'm a cynic

But they always leave a note at the top of my paperwork telling me to be positive

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl meets a guy at the donation clinic.

He asks her, "So what are you donating today?". She replies, "I'm giving blood, I get $25 for it! What are you here for?". He smiles and says "Oh I'm donating semen. I get $150 for it." The girl is shocked and outraged. The next month, the same guy sees the same girl and asks, "Oh you here giving bl...

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A sex therapist arrives at his premature ejaculation clinic and finds a single patient waiting for him. What does the therapist say?

"You're early"

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One day at a small town STI clinic....

An 18 y/o boy who goes to his small town doctor for an STI check. After determining that the lad does not have an STI, the doctor asks him why he thought he might.

The boy tells him that he'd slept with a girl that had a reputation for being easy and thought he may have gotten something.
<...

What's the worst part about working at a gynecology clinic?

Customer Cervix

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had an interview at a Disability Clinic...

After having a fantastic interview, the interviewer handed me a paper and told me to wait outside his office.

So, I’m pacing and reading this paper—because impulse—and I accidentally bumped into some random guy. He fell pretty hard to the ground. I said “Oh my gosh, I was so focused on readin...

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A well meaning doctor opened an orgasm clinic for people struggling with sex. nsfw

Nobody came.

The Testicular Cancer Clinic called me and said, “Did you get our email?” I said “No”.

They said, “Maybe you should check your junk.”

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Darth Vader takes a trip to the clinic after having unprotected sex. What did his test results come back positive for?

Sithilis

A Doctor claims to treat patients with 100% Results otherwise he will give 100$

A man walks inside the clinic and says **"Doctor, I have lost my taste buds. I can't feel the taste of anything."** The Doctor replies **"Don't worry. I will give you a syrup and you wil regain your taste buds. Nurse, pls give him the blue bottle."** The man drinks the content of the blue bottle and...

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I went to the clinic the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, and drop-dead gorgeous!

I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don’t worry, I’m a professional – I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll help you in any way I can.”

I said, “I think my penis tastes funny…”

I love volunteering at the AIDS clinic.

Everybody is so positive.

A Texan woman walks into an animal clinic...

...and says to the receptionist, a young woman named Yvette, that she’d like to see how her cat Urias is doing.

The young woman is visibly confused, and says, in a noticeable accent, that she absolutely cannot. The older woman is also confused, and asks “This is the Stonybrook Animal Clinic, ...

An unemployed engineer opens a clinic...

He soon goes out of business, since the field is over saturated due to all the unemployed engineers opening clinics recently.

I thought of a great name for an abortion clinic...

How about 'Birth Ctrl+Z' ?

I wanted to open a Sperm Donor Clinic

But the name Jack in the Box was already in use

I finally found out what they call the vacuum at the abortion clinic

Woomba

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The White House has announced that they are recruiting volunteers for phase three clinical trials of Clorox as a treatment for COVID-19. There are only two prerequisites for participants...

The participants must be at least 18 years old, and must be registered Democrats.

My friend is quitting his job at the erectile dysfunction clinic...

He hasn't gotten a raise in years.

A man walks into a clinic for the first time. The nurse tells him to fill the cup to this line at least. The man replies "Everytime I give blood I never extract it myself the nurse always does it"

Nurse- "I understand but sir this is a sperm bank"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bartender who just went broke decides to open a medical clinic.

He puts a sign outside the clinic-" I will cure anything for the price of $20, and I'll pay you back $50 if I fail."

A medic thinks that he can outsmart the bartender wants the $50, so he goes to the clinic.

The medic tells the bartender he had lost his sense of taste, to which the bar...

Doctor goes hunting

A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.

“Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.”

“Yes, sir!” – answers Seamus.

The doctor goes hunting and ...

Why is working at the abortion clinic so much fun?

They bring out the kid in you.

A patient went to a clinic

Patient: “Hey doc, I think I need help, I keep having thoughts about suicide lately.”

The doctor paused and was deep in thought

“I have come to a conclusion.”

“What is it? Can it stop my negative thoughts?”

“No, I have come to the conclusion that you should probably pay m...

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what do you call it when a circumsision clinic gets new technology

Cutting edge technology

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A woman complained to a co-worker that she hadn't been on a date in a very long time. The co-worker mentioned that a Chinese doctor had recently opened a sex clinic and she should try him out.

She made an appointment and the doctor asked her what her problem was. "Nobody ever asks me out on a date"

The doctor told her to undress completely and get down on all fours.

"Now crawr away from me rearry fass."

So she crawled across the room away from him really fast. and tur...

I'm starting a discount amputation clinic.

I'm calling it Half Off For Half Off.

Why did the doctor angrily shut down his clinic?

He ran out of patients

I'm going to start an abortion clinic...

...called "Don't Kid Yourself."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A New Zealander fell asleep during his appointment at the clinic.

He was asked to count his sexual partners.






>!baaaaaaa!<

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An attractive blonde walks into a gynaecologist’s clinic.

The doctor takes one look at her, and all his professionalism goes out the window. He quickly invites the blonde to undress and lay back on the examination table.

He starts by placing his hands on her ample tits and begins vigorously squeezing them. He then asks, “Do you know what I’m doing?”...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor and a patient at a plastic surgery clinic.

Patient: "I heard doctors put up random stuff to make their work seem more complicated."

Doctor: "That's true to a degree. Some of the stuff in this room are just for show."

Patient looks around the room pointing at a thermometer: "Do you use that?"

Doctor: "Not really."

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I called the Premature Ejaculation Clinic and asked if I needed to make an appointment.

They said I could come at any time.

A guy’s waiting in the doctors clinic when the Doctor comes in and asks him what’s wrong.

“Doctor, for the past few weeks now everything except physical I feel like a moth.”

The Doctor scoffs “You must be joking! You seriously think you’re a moth?”

“Yes” the man cries “I’ve been doing moth things, I’m having moth thoughts.. I’m pretty much doing a moths daily routine and it...

Best way to answer a call: Mario's Pizzeria and Abortion Clinic: Your Loss is Our Sauce

self.Jokes

Why did the bird go to the clinic?

To get a tweetment

Breast reduction surgery clinic motto:

When life gives you melons, make life take the melons back!

The checkup

Bob went to a clinic for a checkup.

The nurse asked him to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor.

\- “In front of you?” He asks, shy.

The nurse says:

\- “Well no, but I’ve seen the human body before.

The man said,

\- “Not one l...

Puzzled doctor: "Why are you shaking and gyrating in the clinic after collecting your bottle of medicine?" Patient points to bottle:

"Says here 'Shake well before use'."
"That refers to the bottle."

I checked into the hokey pokey clinic

And turned myself around.

Welcome to the Plastic Surgery Addiction Clinic

I can see a lot of new faces here tonight, and I've gotta say, I'm pretty dissapointed.

A patient and his doctor were sitting in the doctor's clinic. Doctor: "I regret to inform you that you have cancer and Alzheimers".

Patient: "Oh well, at least I don't have cancer".

The best doctor in town vs John

There is a doctor in town who can cure almost any sickness. His confidence for his ability made him put up a sign that says "If I heal you, you pay $100. If I can't, I'll give you $200". John saw this and decided to take advantage of it. He came to the clinic the next day claiming to have lost the s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl walks into a "no questions asked" abortion clinic.

The nurse says, "How can I help you?"

Girl says, "LYING BASTARDS!" and leaves.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s metal and has a dozen tits?

The bin out the back of the breast cancer clinic.

I went to a clinic who says they can help me get taller

I asked them how do they do it and the guy said, "I'm just pulling your leg"

Two thieves walk into an amputee clinic.

"Everybody put your hand up!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the clinic today and nervously said, "Doc, this is a little embarrassing, but I've got a problem." Rolling his eyes, chuckling softly, he retorted, "Trust me, I'm a doctor. Nothing you can show me would be startling."

Hesitating just a bit, I stammered, "Well...I...I...I seem to have 5 penises."

Stunned, eyes wide, he rasped, "Wait, what?! How did you get your pants on!?"

I whispered, "Actually, they fit like a glove."

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