The 98+ Best Clinic Jokes

An older woman, well past child-bearing years went to a walk-in clinic where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the exam room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out the door, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was, and she told him what had happened.
After hearing her out, he sat her down in another exam room and marched back to where the first doctor was and demanded, “what is the matter with you? That lady is over 60 years old, has four grown...

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The Sperm Clinic nurse asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup.

I said I wasn’t ready for competitive wanking.

A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

A man goes running into a clinic shouting and screaming in pain. “Please doctor! You’ve got to help me! I’ve been stung by a bee!” The doctor says reassuringly, "Don’t worry, I’ll put some cream on it.”

“You’ll never find that bee. It must be miles away by now.”

“No, you don’t understand.” answers the doctor. “I’ll put some cream on the place you were stung.”

“Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house.”

“No, no, no!” says the doctor getting frustrated. “I mean, where on...

What is the best name for an abortion clinic?

Don’t Kid Yourself.

One morning at a doctor's clinic a patient arrives complaining of serious back pain.

The doctor examines him and asks him:

"Tell me what happened to your back...?"

The patient replies: "Sir, I work for a local night club. This morning I went to my apartment early and heard some noise in my bed room.

On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and th...

An engineer had a sign in front of his clinic that said, "Medical consultation for only $50. If I can't make you better, I will pay you $100."

A doctor, knowing he can stump the engineer and wanting to get some cash, goes straight to the engineer. "Hey," he says. "I lost my sense of taste. I can't taste any food anymore."

The engineer takes a small bottle from his drawer, told the doctor to take his tongue out, and put 15 drops of t...

A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit walked into a blood donation clinic.

A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit walked into a blood donation clinic. The nurse asked the rabbit, “What is your blood type?” The rabbit responded, “I’m probably a type O.”

When cops arrest a clinically insane person...

...are they busting a nut?

I just found out there's a clinical diagnosis for when you can't sleep and so you spend the whole night eating.

It's called insomnomnomnomnia.

What's worse than locking your keys in your car outside of an abortion clinic?

Having to go in and ask for a coathanger

An engineer quit his job and decided to open a clinic...

He hung a sign saying," I will cure your illness for $500 otherwise, if I fail to cure it, I will pay you $1500."

A doctor was curious and assumed that he could easily exploit this, so he walked into the clinic and told the engineer,“ I have lost my taste."

Upon hearing this, the engin...

An antivaxer has a heart attack. He's rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
<...

My uncle runs a clinic inside a hotel in Spain

He come out late at night to ring people's doorbells.

Because nobody suspects The Spanish Inn Physician

A very heavy blond went to the clinic to lose weight.

The doctor told her to eat what she normally ate for three days and then skip a day. He told her she would have lost at least 4 pounds till the next month.

She came back four weeks later, 30 pounds lighter! The doctor looked at her surprised and said "How do you feel now?"

Blonde: "I a...

A Priest, an Imam and a Rabbit walk into a blood donation clinic

The nurse asks them, gentlemen, do you know your blood types?

The priest replies, “Yes I am AB+”

The Imam replies, “I am a B +”

And finally the Rabbit replies, “I am not too sure but I think that I’m a Type O”

An unemployed engineer opens a clinic...

He soon goes out of business, since the field is over saturated due to all the unemployed engineers opening clinics recently.

Why do the nurses at the blood donation clinic have autocorrect disabled?

Because they always want more type-o’s.

I wanted to run a DnD game where the party would be setting up a gynecology clinic, but my gaming group started spreading a false rumor that it was a kink thing?

It was just a smear campaign...

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I went to my clinic to have my Depo shot injected, when the nurse asked if I'd like it in the glutes or arm

I responded with

I get in the arm so I don't have to take it up the butt

I’ve just found out there’s an actual clinical name for the condition where you can’t sleep and just eat instead

It’s called insom-nom-nom-nom-nia

A Saudi woman in a doctor's clinic.

Doctor: Mrs Saud there's a good news for you.
Woman: Excuse me, it's Miss Saud not Mrs Saud.
Doctor: Miss Saud there's a bad news for you.

A furious lady marches into the eye clinic's reception area and shouts at the receptionist, "Who stole my wig during my eye surgery yesterday?"

The doctor immediately rushes out to pacify her. "I assure you, no one on my team would do such a thing. What makes you think it was stolen?"

The woman replies, "Well, before the procedure, my wig was perfect, but when I woke up, it was a tangled mess, and made me look ugly and cheap."
<...

What brand of mint do they have at Mental Health Clinics?

Dementos

The Chinese medic , opens a private clinic.

At the front dor , there was a huge banner saying : " The treatment costs $20 , if you don't get cured , we will give you $100 back"

A lawyer walking by saw the sign and thought it's a good opportunity for him to make an easy $100 , so he walks into the clinic .

- I have lost my tas...

I applied for a job at the gynaecology clinic today.

I’d heard there was a lot of openings there.

2 kids outside a clinic

Two children, Johnny and Alex were sitting outside a clinic.

Alex was crying very loudly.

Johnny: Why are you crying?

Alex: I came here for a blood test.

Johnny: So? Are you afraid?

Alex: No. For the blood test, they cut my f...

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Went to the sperm clinic earlier today. The lady if I''d like to masturbate in the cup....

I said, I'm good but I'm not ready to compete in a tournament yet.

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A man visits an Ejaculation clinic [NSFW]

A man visits an ejaculation clinic depressed that when he cums, all he can manage is a poor dribble at the end of his cock.

‘When I watch porn’ he tells the receptionist ‘they shoot it all over the poor girls face... some from like a metre away.’

‘Don’t worry’ replies the receptionist...

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I went to the clinic the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, and drop-dead gorgeous!

I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don’t worry, I’m a professional – I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll help you in any way I can.”

I said, “I think my penis tastes funny…”

I thought of a great name for an abortion clinic...

How about 'Birth Ctrl+Z' ?

I went to the haemorrhoid clinic yesterday

It was really busy, standing room only.

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A girl meets a guy at the donation clinic.

He asks her, "So what are you donating today?". She replies, "I'm giving blood, I get $25 for it! What are you here for?". He smiles and says "Oh I'm donating semen. I get $150 for it." The girl is shocked and outraged. The next month, the same guy sees the same girl and asks, "Oh you here giving bl...

I finally found out what they call the vacuum at the abortion clinic

Woomba

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A pharmaceutical company began clinical trials for a new sedative.

The goal was to develop a non-prescription drug that provided perfectly smooth, calming relaxation with just one pill. On the first day of trials, the lab assistant realized they had forgotten to pick up the sugar pills that were needed for the placebo. The lead researcher was furious! Most stores i...

I locked my keys in my car outside an abortion clinic

They gave me the dirtiest look when I went in and asked to borrow a coathanger.

My wife got a new job at a vet clinic, and almost killed a dog her first day. (Oc)

But she’s getting better at euthanasia.

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Dave at the Clinic.

Doctor: Congratulations Dave Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !

Dave: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex.

Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke?

Dave: No I'm sure it didn't.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me ...

I love volunteering at the AIDS clinic.

Everybody is so positive.

Guy says to a receptionist at the clinic.

Guy: When I donate blood, I don't extract it myself, the nurse does it for me.

Receptionist: I understand sir, but this is the sperm bank, it doesn't work that way here....

Callum’s Seafood Restaurant and Circumcision Clinic

Where yesterday’s cut is today’s calamari!

My friend is quitting his job at the erectile dysfunction clinic...

He hasn't gotten a raise in years.

Somebody offered me free Hamilton tickets if they could have my place in line at the Covid vaccination clinic, but I had to turn them down.

Not throwing away my shot!

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The perfect clinic

A man is driving down a road an sees a sign for a clinic that says " we cure all diseases for $500, and if we can't we give you $500" the man is Interested and goes in. When he's with the doctor he tells him " doctor I can't taste anything" the doctor responds by saying "nurse give this man 2 cups o...

Not only is my wife really funny, but she's a world class clinical oncologist too.

She has a great sense of tumour.

Pedro reaches the doctor's clinic

Pedro reaches the doctor's clinic looking very despondent.

Doc: What're you here for?

Pedro: The vasectomy camp.

Dr: Oh ok. How many kids do you have?

Pedro: None. I am not even married !!

Dr (shocked): Then why do you want a vasectomy?

Pedro: Every man in t...

A woman takes her kid to the walk-in clinic.

They're in the waiting room, and the kid gets bored. He starts to flip the pages of a magazine.

A friendly stranger notices, and says to the woman, "Looks like you've got a little bookworm."

"No," she replies, "pinworms."

Shakespeare goes into a clinic with a fever and asks

Flu B or not Flu B?

What do you call a gamer who works at a abortion clinic?

Spawn camper

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Mr. Johnson walks into a clinic and says to the doctor, "I have thought about this for years, and I have decided that I want to get castrated."

"Are you sure about this?" asks the doctor. "It will really change your sex life."

"Sex life shmex life!" shouts Mr. Johnson. "I want to be castrated!" The doctor sighs and sets an appointment.

A few weeks later, Mr. Johnson wakes up in a hospital ward after his surgery. He turns to th...

A guy walks into a clinic with a bruised eye

Doctor : How did this happen?

Guy : I was banging my neighbor over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" I should have probably ran.

A patient broke out of an amputation clinic!

Don't worry, hes unarmed

The Testicular Cancer Clinic called me and said, “Did you get our email?” I said “No”.

They said, “Maybe you should check your junk.”

The owner of the only abortion clinic that vowed to defy Texas' new law prohibiting abortions past 6 weeks says, it's never been busier...

"Currently we got a 24 month wait list"

I'm not sure how every clinic knows I'm a cynic

But they always leave a note at the top of my paperwork telling me to be positive

I'm going to start an abortion clinic...

...called "Don't Kid Yourself."

A doctor once got rich when he realized he could run a lucrative circumcising clinic by

keeping all the tips

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A unemployed guy once thought to start the clinic

The clinic rules were:
1) The price of the treatment is 300$
2) If I am unable to treat you, I payback 1000$

A doctor, passing by through the clinic read the rules and thought it was a great opportunity to make money. He went in and said the guy: "I can't feel the taste".
...

There guy goes to a weight loss clinic and says he needs to lose 20 lbs.

The receptionist sends him upstairs, where he finds a beautiful naked woman with a sign that says "If you catch me, you can screw me." An hour later, he emerges, sated and 20 lbs. lighter. A month later, he returns and needs to lose 50 lbs. The receptionist sends him upstairs again, but this time ...

What did Velma say to Scooby at the haunted methadone clinic?

"Junkies!"

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A sex therapist arrives at his premature ejaculation clinic and finds a single patient waiting for him. What does the therapist say?

"You're early"

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I had an interview at a Disability Clinic...

After having a fantastic interview, the interviewer handed me a paper and told me to wait outside his office.

So, I’m pacing and reading this paper—because impulse—and I accidentally bumped into some random guy. He fell pretty hard to the ground. I said “Oh my gosh, I was so focused on readin...

Best way to answer a call: Mario's Pizzeria and Abortion Clinic: Your Loss is Our Sauce

self.Jokes

what do the elderly least want to hear at the covid vaccination clinic ?

“Dr shipman will see you now”

Abortion clinics should be banned

Those doctors demonstrate a complete lack of humanity. Spawn killing is a filthy tactic.

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One day at a small town STI clinic....

An 18 y/o boy who goes to his small town doctor for an STI check. After determining that the lad does not have an STI, the doctor asks him why he thought he might.

The boy tells him that he'd slept with a girl that had a reputation for being easy and thought he may have gotten something.
<...

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A well meaning doctor opened an orgasm clinic for people struggling with sex. nsfw

Nobody came.

A Texan woman walks into an animal clinic...

...and says to the receptionist, a young woman named Yvette, that she’d like to see how her cat Urias is doing.

The young woman is visibly confused, and says, in a noticeable accent, that she absolutely cannot. The older woman is also confused, and asks “This is the Stonybrook Animal Clinic, ...

What game is most popular at a clinic?

Doc Doc Goose

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Darth Vader takes a trip to the clinic after having unprotected sex. What did his test results come back positive for?

Sithilis

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bartender who just went broke decides to open a medical clinic.

He puts a sign outside the clinic-" I will cure anything for the price of $20, and I'll pay you back $50 if I fail."

A medic thinks that he can outsmart the bartender wants the $50, so he goes to the clinic.

The medic tells the bartender he had lost his sense of taste, to which the bar...

I wanted to open a Sperm Donor Clinic

But the name Jack in the Box was already in use

In my town people have become so ruthless and mean of spirit that near where I live there is an eye clinic called

Asif Eye Care

What do get when you cross an Imperial cruiser with an abortion clinic?

A Stork Destroyer

A patient went to a clinic

Patient: “Hey doc, I think I need help, I keep having thoughts about suicide lately.”

The doctor paused and was deep in thought

“I have come to a conclusion.”

“What is it? Can it stop my negative thoughts?”

“No, I have come to the conclusion that you should probably pay m...

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what do you call it when a circumsision clinic gets new technology

Cutting edge technology

A man walks into a clinic for the first time. The nurse tells him to fill the cup to this line at least. The man replies "Everytime I give blood I never extract it myself the nurse always does it"

Nurse- "I understand but sir this is a sperm bank"

Welcome to the Plastic Surgery Addiction Clinic

I can see a lot of new faces here tonight, and I've gotta say, I'm pretty dissapointed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The White House has announced that they are recruiting volunteers for phase three clinical trials of Clorox as a treatment for COVID-19. There are only two prerequisites for participants...

The participants must be at least 18 years old, and must be registered Democrats.

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A doctor and a patient at a plastic surgery clinic.

Patient: "I heard doctors put up random stuff to make their work seem more complicated."

Doctor: "That's true to a degree. Some of the stuff in this room are just for show."

Patient looks around the room pointing at a thermometer: "Do you use that?"

Doctor: "Not really."

...

Oregon leads America in both marital infidelity and clinical depression.

What a sad state of affairs.

Why did the doctor angrily shut down his clinic?

He ran out of patients

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman complained to a co-worker that she hadn't been on a date in a very long time. The co-worker mentioned that a Chinese doctor had recently opened a sex clinic and she should try him out.

She made an appointment and the doctor asked her what her problem was. "Nobody ever asks me out on a date"

The doctor told her to undress completely and get down on all fours.

"Now crawr away from me rearry fass."

So she crawled across the room away from him really fast. and tur...

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A girl walks into a "no questions asked" abortion clinic.

The nurse says, "How can I help you?"

Girl says, "LYING BASTARDS!" and leaves.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A New Zealander fell asleep during his appointment at the clinic.

He was asked to count his sexual partners.

>!baaaaaaa!<

I know 3 people who are clinically insane:

Me.

Why is working at the abortion clinic so much fun?

They bring out the kid in you.

I'm starting a discount amputation clinic.

I'm calling it Half Off For Half Off.

Why did the bird go to the clinic?

To get a tweetment

I went to a clinic to get my eye checked... You won’t guess who I bumped into.

Nevermind it wasn’t a clinic. :/

Breast reduction surgery clinic motto:

When life gives you melons, make life take the melons back!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An attractive blonde walks into a gynaecologist’s clinic.

The doctor takes one look at her, and all his professionalism goes out the window. He quickly invites the blonde to undress and lay back on the examination table.

He starts by placing his hands on her ample tits and begins vigorously squeezing them. He then asks, “Do you know what I’m doing?”...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I called the Premature Ejaculation Clinic and asked if I needed to make an appointment.

They said I could come at any time.

A guy’s waiting in the doctors clinic when the Doctor comes in and asks him what’s wrong.

“Doctor, for the past few weeks now everything except physical I feel like a moth.”

The Doctor scoffs “You must be joking! You seriously think you’re a moth?”

“Yes” the man cries “I’ve been doing moth things, I’m having moth thoughts.. I’m pretty much doing a moths daily routine and it...

I checked into the hokey pokey clinic a while back.

I turned myself around.

What breakfast cereal do they serve at the Swiss clinic, Dignitas?

Cheerios!

What do you call a clinic run by two doctors who are not sure if a higher power exists?

A di-agnostic centre

A pregnant lady locks her keys inside her car by an abortion clinic.

Imagine the look on the receptionists face when the pregnant lady asks her for a coat hanger.

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