A very heavy blond went to the clinic to lose weight.

The doctor told her to eat what she normally ate for three days and then skip a day. He told her she would have lost at least 4 pounds till the next month.

She came back four weeks later, 30 pounds lighter! The doctor looked at her surprised and said "How do you feel now?"

Blonde: "I a...

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Just back from the sperm donation clinic...

Nurse asked me ‘could you masturbate in the cup’ I said im good, but not competition standard

Communists just robbed my local fertility clinic...

They were seizing the means of reproduction.

Abortion clinics really don't get the credit they deserve.

I mean, they're killin it out there.

Two doctors in practice in a small town clinic in Bluebell had to hire a new nurse when the one they had won the lottery and quit. They interviewed Nurse Nancy and decided to hire her.

She had only worked two days when one doctor called the other to his office and said that they would have to let Nurse Nancy go.

"Why, we just hired her?"

"Well, I think she is dyslexic and does things backwards. I told her to give Mr. Smith two shots of morphine every 24 four hour, bu...

My local Botox clinic closed suddenly today

None of their customers looked surprised.

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A mother takes her daughter to a clinic

She tells the doctor that her daughter has been having terrible nausea in the morning, lost her appetite, and even missed a period.

The doctor examines her, orders a bloodwork, and tells them to come back later in the evening.

The mom and girl come back. The doctor announces that the g...

A woman calls her gynecologist: "Doctor, did I by any chance, leave my panties at your clinic?"

Doctor looks around, doesn't see them and answers "Sorry, no."
"Ok, then it must be at the dentist's!"

One morning at a doctor's clinic a patient arrives complaining of serious back pain.

The doctor examines him and asks him:

"Tell me what happened to your back...?"



The patient replies: "Sir, I work for a local night club. This morning I went to my apartment early and heard some noise in my bed room.

On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and th...

The irony struck the Alabama woman as she lay dying on a stretcher after walking miles in flip flops to get to the unlicensed rural abortion clinic and was asked how she felt after the procedure.

“Mah fetus killin’ me!”

I told my friend that I was feeling suicidal. He told me to talk to the mental health clinic for help

They seemed totally against the idea, I guess I’ll do it myself!

NSFW - A woman and man are talking in a donation clinic...

They get to talking.

The man asks the woman, "What are you here donating?"

She replies, "Blood. They pay me $50 and I get a cookie and juice. What about you?"

He says, "Sperm. They pay my $250 and I also get a cookie and juice".

The woman frowns and thinks for a moment. T...

I went to a clinic who says they can help me get taller

I asked them how do they do it and the guy said, "I'm just pulling your leg"

Why don't you tell rumors in a Botox Clinic?

Nobody raises an eyebrow

Domino’s pizza has just opened a chain of VD clinics!

It’s for after you’ve had the hots with the box with the dots....

The Chinese medic , opens a private clinic.

At the front dor , there was a huge banner saying : " The treatment costs $20 , if you don't get cured , we will give you $100 back"

A lawyer walking by saw the sign and thought it's a good opportunity for him to make an easy $100 , so he walks into the clinic .

- I have lost my tas...

The Testicular Cancer Clinic called me and said, “Did you get our email?” I said “No”.

They said, “Maybe you should check your junk.”

Doctors at euthanasia clinics think they are better than everyone else

They are are always putting someone down.

An engineer had a sign in front of his clinic that said, "Medical consultation for only $50. If I can't make you better, I will pay you $100."

A doctor, knowing he can stump the engineer and wanting to get some cash, goes straight to the engineer. "Hey," he says. "I lost my sense of taste. I can't taste any food anymore."

The engineer takes a small bottle from his drawer, told the doctor to take his tongue out, and put 15 drops of t...

At our world famous clinic, many worried, afflicted and mentally unstable people come for assistance. I know it may sound ridiculous, but we start by suggesting they try one of our brain transplant procedures.

They always reject the offer at first, but eventually we change their minds.

What's worse than locking your keys in your car outside of an abortion clinic?

Having to go in and ask for a coathanger

A man walks into a doctor's clinic and says, “I think I'm going rusty.”

The doctor takes a look and replies, “It seems you've developed a common metal disorder.”

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An attractive blonde walks into a gynaecologist’s clinic.

The doctor takes one look at her, and all his professionalism goes out the window. He quickly invites the blonde to undress and lay back on the examination table.

He starts by placing his hands on her ample tits and begins vigorously squeezing them. He then asks, “Do you know what I’m doing?”...

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.'
Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth.'
Lawyer: 'Ugh. this is kerosene.'
Chinese: 'Congrats, your s...

A man phones a dental clinic to inquire about the price of removing a tooth

"Hello. How much is it to get a tooth removed", asks the man


"That'll be $700, it includes anesthetic, tooth extraction by myself, and assistance from a nurse", replies the dentist

"That's a bit much for me, how much if the nurse extracts it?"

"Well I guess we could do that...

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A girl meets a guy at the donation clinic.

He asks her, "So what are you donating today?". She replies, "I'm giving blood, I get $25 for it! What are you here for?". He smiles and says "Oh I'm donating semen. I get $150 for it." The girl is shocked and outraged. The next month, the same guy sees the same girl and asks, "Oh you here giving bl...

In an alternate universe, Lara Croft works in an abortion clinic...

She is called the Womb Raider

I was at the blood clinic...

I said "I keep typing letters out of order"
The nurse said "I'm not surprised, we've checked your blood, you're typo positive"

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[NSFW] A new intern is accompanying an experienced physician on rounds at the Clinic For Sexual Dysfunction.

As they look into the first room, the patient is furiously masturbating and looks very uncomfortable.

The intern asks, what’s wrong with that poor guy?

The doctor replies, “He suffers from extreme semen backup disorder. If he doesn’t ejaculate every three hours, he could die.”
...

A guy’s waiting in the doctors clinic when the Doctor comes in and asks him what’s wrong.

“Doctor, for the past few weeks now everything except physical I feel like a moth.”

The Doctor scoffs “You must be joking! You seriously think you’re a moth?”

“Yes” the man cries “I’ve been doing moth things, I’m having moth thoughts.. I’m pretty much doing a moths daily routine and it...

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An old man enters the doctor's clinic

the waiting room is full of people. the man walks up to the receptionist and she says: Hello sir, what is the reason for you to see the doctor? he answers: there's something wrong with my penis. immediately every one looks up to the man and the receptionist, clearly embarrassed, tells him: you could...

A doctor who ran his clinic out of a shopping center was shut down this week...

He was sued for mall-practice.

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I called the Premature Ejaculation Clinic and asked if I needed to make an appointment.

They said I could come at any time.

My uncle runs a clinic inside a hotel in Spain

He come out late at night to ring people's doorbells.

Because nobody suspects The Spanish Inn Physician

Did you hear about the exorcism clinic that wasn’t doing well?

It got repossessed.

The sign on a plastic surgery clinic reads...

“If life gives you lemons, a simple operation can turn them into melons.”

What's the difference between an abortion clinic and a sperm bank?

The way the security guard treats you after you've blown your load.

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I wasn’t sure what to wear to The Premature Ejaculation Clinic...

So I came in my pants.

I phoned the incontinence clinic emergency helpline today ...

They asked "where are you ringing from?"
I replied "the waist down".

A patient and his doctor were sitting in the doctor's clinic. Doctor: "I regret to inform you that you have cancer and Alzheimers".

Patient: "Oh well, at least I don't have cancer".

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A girl walks into a "no questions asked" abortion clinic.

The nurse says, "How can I help you?"

Girl says, "LYING BASTARDS!" and leaves.

A pizza guy enters an obesity clinic and says

A pizza guy enters an obesity clinic and says, "I have 15 meat lover pizzas with extra cheese."
The nurse at the receptionist desk angrily asks him, "Why would you come here and mock our patients?"
The pizza guy defensively answers, "It's just what the doctor ordered!"

A man walks in to a medical clinic and asks to see a doctor. The receptionist makes him an appointment. “How about 10 tomorrow?”

Man: “I don’t need that many”.

A Saudi woman in a doctor's clinic.

Doctor: Mrs Saud there's a good news for you.
Woman: Excuse me, it's Miss Saud not Mrs Saud.
Doctor: Miss Saud there's a bad news for you.

Just got back from the Zen VD clinic

Doc told me I have the one hand Clap.

What did the doctor say when all of his clientele started going to the clinic across the street?

I’m losing my patience.

An old woman goes to a clinic

She runs some tests, then somehow the results are mistakenly mixed and she ends up with another woman’s test results.
She takes it to the professionals and they confusedly tell her that the results show that she’s pregnant.
She gets shocked by the news, freezes for a moment and then says
...

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A bartender who just went broke decides to open a medical clinic.

He puts a sign outside the clinic-" I will cure anything for the price of $20, and I'll pay you back $50 if I fail."

A medic thinks that he can outsmart the bartender wants the $50, so he goes to the clinic.

The medic tells the bartender he had lost his sense of taste, to which the bar...

I love volunteering at the AIDS clinic.

Everybody is so positive.

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I went to the clinic today and nervously said, "Doc, this is a little embarrassing, but I've got a problem." Rolling his eyes, chuckling softly, he retorted, "Trust me, I'm a doctor. Nothing you can show me would be startling."

Hesitating just a bit, I stammered, "Well...I...I...I seem to have 5 penises."

Stunned, eyes wide, he rasped, "Wait, what?! How did you get your pants on!?"

I whispered, "Actually, they fit like a glove."

An engineer quit his job and decided to open a clinic...

He hung a sign saying," I will cure your illness for $500 otherwise, if I fail to cure it, I will pay you $1500."

A doctor was curious and assumed that he could easily exploit this, so he walked into the clinic and told the engineer,“ I have lost my taste."

Upon hearing this, the engin...

Two thieves walk into an amputee clinic.

"Everybody put your hand up!"

My friend is quitting his job at the erectile dysfunction clinic...

He hasn't gotten a raise in years.

I finally found out what they call the vacuum at the abortion clinic

Woomba

In front of a mental clinic, a patient was pulling a rope.

Doctor: why are you pulling that rope?
Patient: what do you want me to do, push it?!

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An old man went to the doctor's clinic where he was stopped by the receptionist

"Good evening sir, how are you today?"

On receiving nothing more than a grunt in return, she continued, "And how may we help you today sir?"

"There's something wrong with my cock!" The old man proclaimed to a room full of patients.

The receptionist was fairly appalled by this ex...

Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?

He does 18 holes a day.

Why did the clinic go out of business?

Because the doctors had no patience.

Abortion clinics should be banned

Those doctors demonstrate a complete lack of humanity. Spawn killing is a filthy tactic.

Did you hear about the communist couple that went to a fertility clinic?

They wanted to seize the means of reproduction.

My wife: 'They're not answering the phones at the mammogram clinic'

They must have their hands full

The judge gave me ten years working at the clinic for the blind.

Could have been worse, at least it wasn't the deaf sentence.

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I opened up a sex therapy clinic for deer.

It's called "More Bang for Your Buck"

I wasn’t sure if I should go to the STI clinic or not.

I didn’t want to make a rash decision.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the clinic the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, and drop-dead gorgeous!

I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don’t worry, I’m a professional – I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll help you in any way I can.”

I said, “I think my penis tastes funny…”

I didn't get the job at the abortion clinic

I guess they didn't like that I applied to be the womb raider.

A Hindu, a Christian, A Sikh, an atheist, and a Buddhist walk into a clinic...

One of them is called to see the doctor, he goes in, and after a while leaves the clinic. After that, everyone else was angry because they had not received service from the doctor. They ask the nurse standing outside why this is so, to which she said: "I'm sorry, we only serve the sikh."

A guy goes to a weight loss clinic and says he needs to lose 20 lbs

The receptionist sends him upstairs, where he finds a beautiful naked woman with a sign that says "If you catch me, you can screw me." An hour later, he emerges, sated and 20 lbs. lighter.

A month later, he returns and needs to lose 50 lbs. The receptionist sends him upstairs again, but this...

Why are abortion clinics like a trip to Chuck E Cheese?

It brings out the kid in you

People who are pro-life shouldn't protest clinics...

...they should be protesting cemeteries.

Credit to Bill Hicks.

The memory clinic

1st man: how is that memory clinic you’ve been going to?

2nd man: they said when you can’t remember something, describe it and whoever you’re talking to will help you recall.

1st man: what’s the name of this clinic?

2nd man: what do you call that flower that has thorns and is re...

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A woman and baby are in the doctor's clinic

The doc is concerned about the baby's weight, "Is he bottle fed or breast fed?

The woman replies, "Breast fed."

The doc gets her to strip down to her waist so he can examine her breasts. He pinches her nipples and sucks and rubs both breasts for a while ... "No wonder the baby is un...

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A doctor started a clinic in a small town.

He told everyone in the town: "With the low price of 50 dollars, I can cure any types of diseases! If I can't, I'll pay you 100 dollars instead!"

So a man thought this is a great opportunity to earn some extra cash. So on the day the clinic opened he walk into the clinic. He says to the docto...

I thought of a great name for an abortion clinic...

How about 'Birth Ctrl+Z' ?

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A man walks into a clinic...

A man walks into a clinic and says to the doctor:

– Doc, you see, I have this problem of excess of gases all they long. One million farts a day. They don't have any smell and they are totally silent but it is very inconvenient having to fart all they long.

The doctor says: – OK, take t...

An unemployed engineer opens a clinic...

He soon goes out of business, since the field is over saturated due to all the unemployed engineers opening clinics recently.

What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they are leaving?

Thanks for coming.

A sign at the fertility clinic.

Please wait to be seeded.

The worst (best?) name for an egg donor clinic?

The Inside Scoop

I used to have a job transporting addicts to the nearby rehab clinic.

But I got fired because too many of my passengers fell off the wagon.

I had to specify an IT system for the local anorexia clinic.

I recommended a thin client architecture.

Welcome to the Plastic Surgery Addiction Clinic

I can see a lot of new faces here tonight, and I've gotta say, I'm pretty dissapointed.

I'm going to start an abortion clinic...

...called "Don't Kid Yourself."

How is a vampire similar to an abortion clinic?

They both suck the life out of you

The line "Do you come here often?"

Has a zero percent success rate at the abortion clinic.

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Last night this asshole doctor walks into my clinic and starts acting like he owns the place

Seriously, that guy was really testing my patients

Tried going to the obesity clinic before work today.

But the queue was enormous.

Doctor sets up a clinic

A doctor sets up a clinic and advertises that he can fix whatever problem you have for $500; but if he can't fix the problem he will pay you $1000. A man sees his ad and thinks that this is ridiculous, so he tries to exploit the doctor. He goes into the office and says "I can't taste anything". The ...

The euthanasia clinic finally found a slogan

Kill them with kindness

I heard the abortion clinic was having a special

50% off on mothers day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I usually scream and curse a lot in the dental clinic

Just to fuck with my patients.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mickey Mouse walks into a divorce clinic...

Lawyer: So, you say you wanted a divorce with Mini Mouse because she's a bit crazy?

Mickey Mouse: No I believe you misheard me, I said she was fucking Goofy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The perfect clinic

A man is driving down a road an sees a sign for a clinic that says " we cure all diseases for $500, and if we can't we give you $500" the man is Interested and goes in.


When he's with the doctor he tells him " doctor I can't taste anything" the doctor responds by saying "nurse give this m...

A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic

A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he laid the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away." "What?" screamed the ma...

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A man visits the clinic

A man visited a clinic one day, the man looked straight into the nurses eyes and asked" Nurses aren't supposed to laugh, right?"

"Of course I won't laugh. I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Alright then" the man said, and proceeded to d...

An elderly woman visits a walk-in clinic...

...where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about three minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him what happened. After listening...

IMPROVE YOUR MEMORY

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other: “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”
“Outstanding”, Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techniques – visualization, association – it has made a big difference ...

Opening a laser eye clinic. Going to name it CircumVision...

SEE what I did there?

The clinic asked me why I had written an incorrect blood type on my form

I told them it was Typo

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