UPJOKE
physicianpaediatricianmedicinedermatologistinternistoncologistneurologistobstetriciancardiologistpsychiatristgynecologistveterinariansurgeonnursedoctor

A woman brings her baby to the pediatrician who says "wow...your baby is beautiful". She tells him thanks and that he must say that to all moms who bring in their babies. He says to her "oh no I don't"..........

......she asks, what do you do if the baby is ugly? He says "I look at the baby and then I look at the mom and I say your baby looks just like you."

This blonde goes to the pediatrician...

This blonde goes to the pediatrician because her baby keeps getting diaper rashes. The pediatrician asks, "How often do you change your baby?"

The blonde says, "Once a month."

The doctor yells, "What? Why do you only change him once a month?"

The blonde says, "Well, the box says...

What do a drill Sargent and a pediatrician have in common?

Little patients.

A concerned parent calls their child’s pediatrician and says, “Recently my child has started eating power cords. What should I do?”

Without missing a beat the doctor responds, “depending on the current situation at home you need to ground him until he can conduct himself appropriately!”

Why are pediatricians always so annoyed?

Because they have very little patients

An animal rescuer, homeless shelter director, volunteer pediatrician, and ice cream machine repairman are waiting at the Pearly Gates

The animal rescuer meets Saint Peter who reviews her resume of thousands of animals she's saved. Shaking his head, he announces: "Denied."

Next is the homeless shelter director. Saint Peter looks over his resume, nods slightly, but still announces: "Denied."

The volunteer pediatricia...

Today, my wife was told by the pediatrician that our 18 month old son isn’t talking much because he doesn’t want to.

I could’ve told her that.

My kid's pediatrician cancelled my appointment because i was 5 minutes late

He has very little patients.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest, a lawyer, and a pediatrician are on a ship that is going down..

The pediatrician shouts, "Save the children!"
The lawyer yells,"Fuck the children!"
The priest then replies "Do you think we have time?"

Many people call their animals "fur babies" but,

As soon as I start calling children "skin dogs", suddenly I'm the worst pediatrician in this hospital!

Why did the pediatrician get frustrated when he got home from work?

Because he'd had little patients all day

A nurse tried to get a Pediatrician's attention...

"Excuse me, Doctor?" the nurse asked sweetly. "*What do you want*?" the doctor yelled from behind a door. "Is this a bad time?" the nurse inquired.


"Not at all, I'm just feeling a little teste."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The nation's top medical experts were asked today if it was time to ease the COVID restrictions.

Allergists were in favour of scratching it.

Dermatologists advised not to make any rash decisions.

Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.

Neurologists thought the government had a lot of nerve.

Obstetricians thought the government was labouring under a misconcept...

During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.

When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.
When the young mother expres...

A pediatrician and funeral guy opened up a business together.

The sign out front said "Either way, you get your kid back"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A German baby was adopted by a wealthy couple

He grew into a happy, healthy boy, except for one thing: he never spoke.

After five years of silence, little Wolfgang's parents began to worry that he might have a disability. They took him to all the best pediatricians and speech therapists, but none could provide a solution.

One ...

Three Doctors were discussing pain,

three Doctors were discussing ways to treat pain.

The first Doctor said that he thought Advil or Tylenol would do in most cases.

The second Doctor said that he thought that prescription pain pills were needed a lot more than are prescribed.

The third Doctor said that he believed...

I couldn't decide if I wanted to be a doctor or a priest.

So I combined both my passions and became a pediatrician.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctors to get his first son circumcised...

A man goes to the doctors to get his first son circumcised. He meets with a pediatrician who says "ya know we used to use the foreskin from the circumcision to do skin transplants for kids born without eyelids... But we had to stop because they started coming out cockeyed"

A teacher worked for an affluential school

She asks her little students to bring something from their family for a show and tell. The next day, she calls little Mary to show what she had brought.

"I've brought a scalpel, teacher. It's my mom's, she is a heart surgeon"

"Oh, how marvelous! And you, Luke, what do you have there?"<...

My trip to the doctor's office...

So I scheduled my appointment online with a doctor. I showed up, paid my copay and everything went well. The Nurse started to take my vitals, then said to me, we need to hurry up and get you seen by the doctor. I asked why were we in such a hurry.

She said, you are a fully grown man, and...

Mr. and Mrs. Zombie were concerned about Baby Zombie’s eating habits...

Mr. and Mrs. Zombie were concerned about Baby Zombie’s eating habits, so they took him to the zombie pediatrician.

“I don’t understand what’s going on!” Mrs. Zombie complained. “We’ve been trying to get him to start harvesting and eating solid brains, but he’s doing it all wrong.”

Mr. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three doctors enter bar

Three doctors enter the bar.
All drink a lot.
First one is Pediatrician.
Next Podiatrist
And the Psychiatrist.

All get up together
and go to pee

There are three urinals
all by side.

Pediatrician pees with start and stop
Podiatrist does a steady piss.
But ...

My Uncle was fired for sleeping with one of his patients...

The worst part is that he's a veterinarian.

Lol just kidding, he's a pediatrician.

I've never vaccinated any of my kids...

I just pay the pediatrician to do it.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.