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Physician Jokes

What’s the difference between a physicist and a physician?

A physicist is busy before firing a catapult; the physician is busy after.

TIL: The vasectomy procedure was pioneered by the Greek physician, Euclipides.

His original instructions were as follows: "Euclipides nuts."

A member of the family in a London medical college was appointed an honorary physician to the king.

He proudly wrote a notice on the blackboard in his class-room room : " Professor Jennings informs his students that he has been appointed honorary physician to His Majesty, King George."
When he returned to the class-room in the afternoon he found written below his notice this line :

" God...

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An Elderly Irish lady visits her physician

To ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance" she replied. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem," said the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra.”
"What on Earth is Irish Viagra?" she asked.
"It's Viagra dissolv...

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The Hospital

A sweet old lady telephoned the hospital.

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Doreen Jacobs, Room 604."

The ope...

A physician, a civil engineer, and a consultant were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world.

The physician remarked, "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The civil engineer interrupted, and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesi...

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Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.

The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and s...

The weather reporter at the crossfit gym was often mistaken for a physician.

People thought he was a meaty urologist.

A patient goes to his physician

He lists him some symptoms and after a workup the doctor says: I can’t find a reason for your problems, it must be the alcohol.

The patient responds: I’ll come back when you’re sober then.

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Once there was a queen had the most massive pair of breasts in the kingdom

The knight-captain was obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day the knight-captain revealed his secret desire to his old friend who was the royal physician. The physician thought ab...

What do you call it when a physician corrects your punctuation?

A medically induced comma.

What's the difference between a physician and a preschool teacher?

One has a job with patients, the other has the patience of Job.

I wish this was a joke

So I’m a primary care physician and last week we did away with mandatory masking.

Today one of my young female front office girls approached me and said “People are so much nicer to me when I tell them they don’t have to mask anymore!”

I said “Thats great!”

She said “yeah, it’s...

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“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”

“OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But, Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid, too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”

“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
...

A year ago, my physician told me I would be going deaf.

I haven't heard from him since.

What do you call someone who is both a physician who can treat you and a physician who cannot?!?!?!?!?!

A pair-a-docs.

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A woman was in her physician's office when she suddenly asked him to kiss her

He replies, "I can't, that would be against my code of ethics"
Twenty minutes went by and the woman again pleaded for him to kiss her. Once more he refused, explaining as a doctor he simply could not.
After another 15 minutes passed, the woman begged him again.
"Look, I'm sorry. I just can'...

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(NSFW) A man runs up to his physician in a panic

And yells:

"Doctor, I just had sex with a mother and her twin daughters last night!"

The doctor asks "And why are you telling me this?"

The man yells "I'm telling everybody!!"

A couple of years ago, I was staying at a tiny Spanish Inn

A couple of years ago, I was staying at a tiny Spanish Inn when I started to feel ill. Needing a doctor, I rang reception who said they'd get the hotel doctor to visit. I was rather surprised that such a small place would have a house doctor, and was just telling the manager this when my room door b...

Why did the physician decide to go into dermatology?

No reason, it was really more of a rash decision.

I asked my physician why he hits people on the knee with that little rubber headed hammer

He said "just for kicks"

My physician told me I almost couldn’t hear anything

I had a near-deaf experience

I tried looking up Ernst Gräfenberg, the physician who the G-Spot is named after.

After an hour of looking, I gave up.

My Greek doctor isn’t a physician

He’s a gyropractor

A physician said, "You have High Blood Pressure"

"High blood pressure? Well Doc. It comes from my family."
"Your mother's side or your father's?" The Doctor asked.
"Neither," I replied. "It's from my wife's family."
"How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?"
I sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"

What was the name of the physician who could smell the future?

Nostrildamus

I made it myself and was proud enough to post it! :)

A guy suffering with haemorrhoids regularly visits his physician for his ointment application.

This time the physician was on leave for the weekend, so he goes home and asks his wife’s help to apply his ointment instead. So he gets ready by going down on all fours, and the wife begins to apply the ointment. After a while he realises that his wife is resting only one hand on his shoulder and i...

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The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors,

all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news. The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was tha...

Dan went to his physician for his annual check-up.

However, he was shocked when his doctor said to him, “I’m afraid you’ve only got three weeks to live.”

“Are you sure?” said Dan, “I feel fine. Isn’t there anything that can be done?”

“Well,” said his doctor, “you could try taking a mud bath each day.”

“Will that cure me?” asked ...

A man is in an emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains and bowel trouble. The physician says that the patient will need a rectal exam.

The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove.

As he lubes up his glove, he says, "Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Peter"

The patient says, "My name isn't Peter"

The doctor says, "Mine is"

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Four physicians are out in a field...

... a general internist, an emergency physician, a surgeon, and a pathologist. They see a bird fly overhead.

- The internist says "looks like a sparrow, sounds like a sparrow, its probably a sparrow.'

- The emergency physician says "it's not a falcon, it's not a hawk, I'm not sure ...

I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid.

Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.

"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"

The doctor strolled i...

How do physicians get into the hospital?

the doc door

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4 out of 5 physicians say that having an active sex life is normal.

So yes, we’re all very special.

"We're losing him!" shouted the physician assistant halfway through the surgery

"Not on my watch!" shouted the surgeon.


And he runs out of the operating room.

A Mexican man is found unresponsive...

A Mexican man is found unresponsive on the roadway outside Tijuana.
Local authorities call for an ambulance and he is rushed to the nearest hospital.
Unfortunately, the doctors determine that he has consumed a lethal amount of drugs and there is nothing they can do to save him. He dies within ...

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Physicians were unable to reach a consensus:

Should Brexit take place?

The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologist's had sort of a gut feeling about it,

but the Neurologists thought May had a lot of nerve.

Meanwhile, Obstetrician...

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Alabama vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife did not want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.

The doc...

My uncle runs a clinic inside a hotel in Spain

He come out late at night to ring people's doorbells.

Because nobody suspects The Spanish Inn Physician

A Man Vacations in Spain

While he's there, he decides to get a tattoo to remember the trip by. Just his luck, though, the tattoo get infected. The local who has been showing him around notices the next day and offers to lend a hand.

"I know a guy who specializes in this exact thing," the local says. "He's a friend of...

A physician, an engineer, and a politician were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions.

The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."

The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the fir...

How many physicians do you need to interrupt the space time continuum?

It takes a paradox.

When a physician was asked if his new diet of pizza and crepes for COVID-19 patients was working

He said, "I don't know, but that's the only food we can get under the door."

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[NSFW] A new intern is accompanying an experienced physician on rounds at the Clinic For Sexual Dysfunction.

As they look into the first room, the patient is furiously masturbating and looks very uncomfortable.

The intern asks, what’s wrong with that poor guy?

The doctor replies, “He suffers from extreme semen backup disorder. If he doesn’t ejaculate every three hours, he could die.”
...

Two guys walk into a bar

A philosopher and a physician walk into a fabulous tiki beach bar in Florida and both order drinks. After a while the philosopher addresses the physician, "Have you read Marx?" The physician replies, "Yes, I blame these wicker bar stools."

I asked my physician if he was a James Bond fan

Dr.: No

A Sports Medicine Physician went to Wrestlemania one year to study the rate of concussions among the performers.

While backstage, he bumped into John Cena, and asked him if any of the matches qualified for Continuing Medical Education credit.

The Doctor of Thuganomics looked the physiatrist dead in the eyes; paused, then slowly replied: "No. You can't CME."

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A woman told her physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex...

A woman told her physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure that it was a good idea.

The doctor asked: "Do you enjoy it?"

She said that she loves it.

He asked: "Does it hurt?"

She said that it feels wonderful.

The doct...

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace an older doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his house-call rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fre...

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A sixty year old man with a history of heart problems ends up on the transplant list.

After nine years, he finally gets to the top of the list. But it takes another three years to find a suitable donor. His wife goes with him to every appointment with his doctor and every meeting with members of the surgery team. She discusses every aspect of the operation, his medications, his recov...

Dr. Goldberg

Dr. Goldberg was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference, coincidentally held in his home tow...

An engineer, a physician and an economist are in the middle of the desert with only a tin can. [long]

They are starving and far away from civilisation, but they have no way to open it.

The engineer says:
To open the can we need to build this specific machine! It will do the job quickly and efficiently!

The physician and economist mock him:
Yeah, right, we’re in the middle of the ...

There was once the case of a licensed physician who was known for his harsh attitude on the job but he became markedly softer off of it.

It was also known as the curious case of Dr. Heckle and Mr. Chide.

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colonoscopies

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by
his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their
colonoscopies:



1. Take it easy Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before.



2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'



3....

My 87 year old, retired navy grandpa told this joke at family dinner after I graduated physician assistant school: "Well did they teach you how to make a hormone?"

Step on her toe

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The Magic Cure[NSFW]

In a royal court the jester and the court physician are close friends. one day the jester expresses his fantasy of sucking the queen's tits to the physician. the physician says he can make it happen as long as the jester does what he says and pays him 10 gold coins after it is done, the jester agree...

We've had about 7 or 8 Resident Evil games so far...

when do we get our first Attending Physician Evil?

A man goes to the doctor because it burns when he pees.

When the doctor walks in the man notices how buff he is. This doctor is SWOLE.

The exam begins and after some time the muscular physician cannot stop bringing up the weather.

"Hotter than normal this time of year, don't you think?"

"There's a storm coming in this weekend."
<...

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3 surgeons walk into a pub...

...The first claims to be the best surgeon of Texas: "the world's best piano player lost 7 fingers in an accident. I sewed them back on and yesterday, he played a private concert for the queen of England."

The second one answeres: "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and both legs in a...

What do you call a doctor who drinks a lot of soda?

A fizz-ician (physician)

OC I came up with last week

A man goes on his dream vacation to Spain. While there he sees amazing sights, drinks great wine and dances til late at night.

After a few days he starts to get a weird pain in his chest and decides to go to the hospital to check it out. He gets an X-ray and the doctor tells him he has a tum...

While on vacation in Spain with my wife..

I I started to feel funny. I had some pain in my chest and felt short of breath. I chalked it up to the long day we had just had, but I continued to feel worse. As we got out of the taxi and walked into the hotel, I collapsed.

It became apparent to my wife and I that I was having a heart atta...

My tattoo removal specialist, Dr Pablo, confessed to me recently that he had committed dozens of crimes yet has never been caught.

"How on earth are you a free man?" I asked him.

"Nobody expects the Spanish ink physician" he said.

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A young Caucasian decided to visit a hooker when he visited Thailand.

A week later upon returning to the States he developed severe urinary pain. This was followed by purulent discharge and blistering of his penis.

Anxiously worried he visited a physician who told him, “You have contracted a rare STD that unfortunately necessitates amputation of your penis. It ...

The Oldest Profession

A lawyer, engineer and physician are debating the oldest profession over drinks.

“Medicine is the oldest," declared the doctor, "because in Genesis God surgically removed Adam's rib to create Eve."

"That's true," agreed the Engineer sitting down her beer, "but even earlier God creat...

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Three friends finally get to the top of the mountain where the wise man lives.

The wise man says to the first "go heal yourself". She said "Wow. You're right. Did you know I was a physician?"

The wise man said to the second "go teach yourself". He replied, "That is profound. Did you know I was a teacher?"

The 3rd friend angrily starts to walk away. "What's wrong?...

I got sick in a small hotel in Madrid.

I called to the front desk and they said they had a doctor on staff. After he made me feel better, I told him I was amazed such a small place had a doctor. He nodded and said: "No one expects te spanish inn physician. "

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Nude beach

A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.

After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be rea...

"How did we not see Doctor Carlos taking all of the inkwells?"

"Because nobody expects the Spanish ink physician."

Too Shy!!!

During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.

"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."

"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through....

"I'm telling you one last time ", a doctor yells at his nurse

"When you're filling a death certificate, you put the name of illness under cause of death, not the name of the supervising physician!"

A Man Goes To The Emergency Room

He is severely hunched over and looks embarrassed.

After he is given his room, the nurse asks him what happened and he refuses to tell her.

Next a physician's assistant comes in and asks what happened. The man again refuses to say what happened.

Finally, the doctor comes in and...

Spanish inn owner

A nice young man by the name of Pablo was a physician. As just a little side job he also ran an inn/motel. Sadly one night the entire place burnt to the ground, and Pablo had just taken out a large insurance policy. So after suspicion of insurance fraud and arsony Pablo is taken to court. In front o...

When I was young everybody believed in me

The doctor saw in me a potential physician

The teacher saw in me a potential professor

The chef saw in me a potential cook

The priest saw in me a potential partner

Dying Wish

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked "Give it to me straight, doc. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive the night. The man then said "Call for my lawyer."

When his lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physic...

A minister started his Children's Sermon with a question. Who knows what the Resurrection is?

Without missing a beat a young boy says, "If you have one lasting more than 4 hours call your physician."

My uncle got a severe allergic reaction while staying in a remotely located hotel near Barcelona...

he would have died certainly as there were no hospitals close by. Suddenly we heard someone knocking on the hotel's door. Miraculously it was the hotel's in-house doctor.

We were quite amused by how the doctor showed up at the exact time he was needed.

Nobody expected the Spanish...

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Or What

The man tells his doctor that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past seven months. The physician tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. When the wife comes to office, the doctor asks her why she doesn't want to have sex with her husband anymore.

"For the ...

I was at a small hotel in Madrid, feeling a bit sick, they surprisingly had a doctor there who had some over the counter medicine handy, I asked how a hotel this small had a doctor available

He said “quite a shame, nobody expects the Spanish inn physician”

A man visits a hotel in Spain and injures himself in the room.

So he calls the front desk and asks them to find him a doctor.

"you're in luck, sir! We have a doctor that lives in this very hotel."

They send the doctor up. After tending to the man's injuries the man remarks:

"Wow! I never would have thought this hotel would have its own do...

Spanish doctor works at my hospital. Never wears PPE, never washes his hands. Just dips his fingers in black ink constantly. It's a bit weird, so I ask him how he stays safe and what the ink is for.

He just smiles and says:

"No one infects the Spanish ink physician"

A man is having some troubles with arm

He comes to a hospital where he is directed to a surgeon. The surgeon thinks a little bit and says
"Well, it's all clear. Lie down. We are gonna cut it"
The man is furious. He says to the surgeon that he is mad and goes to a physician. The physician listens to the story, thinks a little bit an...

I once went to a small hotel in Barcelona

Within three weeks I had caught some kind of bug from their food, I went to the front desk and asked if they had a doctor on site. Shockingly, they did. Within an hour he had healed me back to full health. I expressed my shock at such a small hotel having a doctor on hand. He responded:

NOBOD...

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A man is suffering from the worst headaches...

From about age 14, a man has been getting more and more intense headaches. They started mildly annoying, but have been consistently getting worse month after month, year after year.

Finally, after about 7 years of troublesome headaches turning into bothersome headaches, turning into debilita...

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A doctor is walking down the street...

...and he passes a man with a head the size of a golf ball. Before he can stop himself he yells "sir!"

The man turns around, and the doctor says "I'm sorry to bother you, but as a physician, I've never seen a condition like yours. How do you have a head so small?"

The man says "Well, i...

And elderly man was taken to the ER after having a massive stroke...

The ER physician told the family that he was alive but unfortunately brain-dead.

"Oh, God," cried his elderly wife, "We've never had a Liberal in the family before!"

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Bicycles are bad for national economy

Oh Yes Mr. Reader, Bicycles are bad for national economy, even if its sounds ridiculous but it is always true that: -

Cycling is a danger to the country

Now reasons:

• He doesn't buy cars

• He doesn't take loans

• He does not insure the car

• He doesn't b...

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A notorious womanizer left a trail of broken hearts behind him, until he betrayed the wrong woman - a practicing witch.

The morning after she caught him with another girl, he awoke with an itchy bump in the middle of his forehead. He thought it was a pimple, but it continued to grow to ridiculous proportions throughout the day. In a panic, he sought the advice of a physician, who examined the man and ran tests on the...

Ghandi was a what?

So we all know how Ghandi was a wonderful person and a pioneer in the non violent protest movement. But there are some facets of his life that add up to a very rare diagnosis.

First of all, he walked everywhere barefoot which made his feet very tough.

Secondly his diet was comple...

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Healed!

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. "Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advic...

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A large group of first year medical school students filed into a lab...

...during their first week, for the first meeting of their gross anatomy class where they would be examining human cadavers. The professor walked to the front of the room, and addressed the students:


"The most important quality you will need as a physician is unfazability. Nothing can '...

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Peter Piker

When Peter Piker peeked at Penny,

And peeped her perfect pooper

His peepers paused and then his jaw

Plopped down into a stupor



But he perked up and pressed his luck;

Professed he pined to pipe her

He self-composed and then proposed

While poin...

A bucket goes to the doctor

The bucket was feeling ill, and decided to go to a physician.

The doctor, seeing as this was a new patient, asked him, "tell me about yourself first."

"Well, I can hold about 1/2 a gallon of liquid. I'm 3 years old, and I have to tell you, I feel pretty under the weather."

The ...

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A professor of philosophy went to a doctor and asked for advice on how to improve his sex life.

"You seem to be in good physical condition," said the doctor, after an examination. "You run ten miles a day, every day for seven days, then phone me."

A week later, the professor telephoned. "Well," said the physician, "has the running improved your sex life?"

"I don't know," said the...

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