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Patient: am I gonna be fine, doctor?

Doctor: I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus.

Patient: I'm not into this astrology shit.

Doctor: Me neither, my thermometer just broke.

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.

One day while they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into
the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly
jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When
the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act ...

Why are coronavirus patients bad at basketball?

They always travel

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A nurse goes into a room to shave a male patient before his appendectomy.

When she comes out of his room a few minutes later, she is on the verge of laughing hysterically. The other nurses ask her what she’s laughing about. She tells them that the patient has a tattoo on his penis that says “TiNY”. One by one each nurse goes in and comes back out giggling about the man’s ...

Patient to his doctor: I have forgotten so many things lately, and it’s getting worse. What can I do?

Doctor: Yes, this is a known illness, called alhzimers, unfortunately it has no cure. I’d also like to remind you about the 800 USD that you owe me.

I asked a patient who has alzheimers,”for how long have you had alzheimers “. He replied-

“As long as I can remember “

Doctor: I have bad news and I have worse news. Patient: Well what’s the bad news? Doctor: You have one day left to live. Patient: What news could possibly be worse?

Doctor: I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday...

In a psychiatric hospital it is time to check whether any patient is ready to be sent home.

As part of a test the doctors put a car in the test room and observe what patients are gonna do. Everyone jumps in the car and behave as if they are driving, except for one person. This guy remains calm in his sit and starts laughing at others. The doctors think he has definitely recovered. So, they...

How did the doctor tell his patient that he has only 48h left to live?

He said: "I'm sorry but you only have tumour days left to live"

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A nurse goes to check on a patient..

She checks on her patient then quickly leaves the room. She goes to the nurses station to tell the other nurses what she has seen. Nurse says: "You'll never guess what I saw when I changed his bedpan. He has a tattoo on his penis that says 'Swan' ."

The other nurse goes in to check it out and...

How many Alzheimer patients does it take to change a lightbulb?

To get to the other side

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A doctor asked his old army vet patient...

When was the last time you had sex?

With a long pause the vet replies."1955 i believe"

Doctor: "Wow! Its been a long time then hasn't it?"

Vet: (Looking at his watch) What do you mean? It's only 20:20 now

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I was walking by a mental hospital and heard all of the patients shouting "13...13...13..".

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a gap in the planks so I looked through to see what was going on.

Some asshole immediately poked me in the eye with a stick, then they started shouting "14...14...14.."

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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

...

The Doctor asks the patient: "Does your head hurt?"

Patient: "Yes it does, doctor."

Doctor: "Good, now are we vaccinating your child, or do I have to slap you again?"

Patient: "Doc, will I be able to play the violin after my brain surgery?"

Doctor: "Of course."
Patient: "Really? That's amazing, 'cause I can't play one now!"

The patient goes to the doctor for a check up

The doctor says "i see the problem here, your DNA is backwards."


The patient then replies "AND?"

What did the doctor say to the patient suffering from a bacterial infection?

Ah, I see you're a man of culture as well

A patient was lying in bed, still groggy from the effects of a recent operation. His doctor came in, looking very glum.

“I can’t be sure what’s wrong with you,” the doctor said. “I think it’s the drinking.”

“Okay,” the patient said. “Can we get an opinion from a doctor who’s sober?”

Patient: Doctor, every time I drink tea my eye hurts.

Doctor: did you try taking spoon out from the cup?

“Sir, you’ve just had a stroke,” a doctor told his patient.

“Now it’s my turn, so please pull down your pants.”

A patient wakes up in recovery after his operation...

The doctor places his hand on the man's shoulder and tells him, "I have some good news and I have some bad news".

The man asks the doctor for the bad news first.

"I am afraid we have had to amputate both your legs.." says the doctor

The man is naturally upset and shocked at the ...

The medical code of ethics is way too strict. Apparently, I’m not allowed to marry a patient even if we’re in a consensual relationship.

I’m really starting to hate being a veterinarian.

“Have you been sleeping by an open window, like I told you?” asks a doctor his patient.

“Yes, just like you said, doc.”

“And is the bronchitis gone now?”

“Not yet, so far the only things gone are my laptop and cellphone.”

Doctor says to the patient: “Your coughing sounds much better.”

The patient replies: “And no wonder. I spent a lot of time practicing.”

Dentist and Patient Joke

Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”


Patient: “OK.”


Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”

Patient: every day I feel more and more like a cartoon rabbit

**Doctor:** you have a bad case of updoc

**Patient:** what’s updoc?

**Doctor:** this is more serious than I thought

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup

Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?”
The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.”

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A dentist, doing his first extraction on a patient was nervous

When he got the molar out, his hand shook, he lost his grip on the instrument, and the tooth dropped into patient's throat

Dentist: Sorry, you are outside my specialty now, you should see laryngologist (throat specialist)

By the time patient went to laryngologist, tooth had worked its ...

A doctor tells his patient "I have good news and bad news"...

"Ok, tell me the bad news first" says the patient.

"Well, you have incurable cancer" the doctor says.

"Oh my god, what could be the good news?"

"Well, you won't have it for very long"

My dad works as a chiropractor and sees two patients at once.

Back to back.

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Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while, he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice that said, “Dave, don’t worry about it. You’re not the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won’t be t...

My patient insisted on stitching their cuts by himself

I said: suture yourself

A doctor speaks to his patient

Doctor: Your BMI is quite high.

Patient: What should I do?

Doctor: Don't eat anything fatty

Patient: So I should give up pizza and chips?

Doctor: No, fatty. Just don't eat anything!

A doctor told his patient

"Sir, I'm afraid to tell you that your DNA has been completely reversed"

The guy said "ok, and?"

Dr John was caught having a physical relationship with one of his patients

Dr. Phil his co-worker was left flabbergasted learning about this incident.

Dr Phil- Dr. John how could you!

Dr John- Well i am neither the first one nor the last one having a physical relationship with a patient.

Dr Phil- Sir but we are forensic specialist.

Dr John- Well...

Coronavirus patients start pizza and pancake diet

"It's all we can slide under the door!" Says doctor.

Hey doc, have you ever lost a patient?

Doctor: "Nope, I remember where they are all buried"

A patient rushes to a hospital.

Patient: NURSE I NEED A DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY!!! I'M HAVING A HUGE ISSUE RIGHT NOW.

The nurse sees the distress in the patients eyes and calls over the doctor.

Doctor: What seems to be the problem?

Patient: I don't know doc. I woke up this morning and I'm half deaf. I only hear hal...

[OC] What do you call a doctor that pranks it's patients?

A sike-ologist.

A patient is at the doctors office and the doctor tells him he has bad news and worst news

Patient: Alright doc give me the bad news

Doctor: Unfortunately you have AIDS

Patient: That’s terrible news, I can’t believe it. What could the worst news possibly be

Doctor: Well the worst news is you have Alzheimers

Patient: That’s unbelievable doc, you were right t...

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The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.

Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling."

Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting."

Her ...

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A nurse is standing in a consultation room with a patient

The patient says"this is a little embarrassing so please don't laugh"

The nurse "I've been a nurse for 12 years nothing you show me is going to make me laugh"

The man drops his trousers revealing a penis the size and girth of a triple A battery.

The nurse stifles her giggle but ...

If mental asylums invested in walking trails for their patients,

They could really get away with calling them psycho paths.

What did the plastic surgeon say to the patient?

Happy new ear.

A doctor is delivering bad news to a patient.

“Ma’am, your test results are back. Unfortunately, this type of disease is fatal.”

“Oh my god! How much time do I have left to live?”

“Ten”

“Ten months?”

“Nine”

A patient once came to the doctor...

A patient once came to the doctor because they had started shrinking.

The doctor answered: "I am busy just be a Little patient!"

Why was the cannibal in the coma patient wing?

Hes a vegetarian

A sickly patient went her doctor's office where she underwent a complete physical exam.

The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live."
The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?" The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant." "Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient. "No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."

Having gone through seven years of medical training, my friend got fired from his dream job for one minor indiscretion: sleeping with a patient.

Nice guy, terrible Vet

A dentist noticed his patient had a large gold tooth. He said, “Where did you get the gold?”

The patient replied, “Its mine.”

Doctor: Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news? Patient: Good news please

Doctor: A disease is going to be named after you

"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible"

"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."

A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession he loves.

What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

A patient is waiting for the doctor to return with his diagnosis

The doctor walks in.

Patient: So what is it doc? Lay it on me gently.

Doctor: Umm try saying two more ten times fast.

My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knees to test their reflexes.

He really gets a kick out of it.

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Patient: I get scared every time I think of big animals.

Therapist: We have pills for that, but bear in mind--

Patient: AAUUGGHH!!

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So a doctor has sex with one of his patients...

And is feeling pretty down about it. On his left shoulder appears a devil. The devil consoles him saying "Hey man, don't even worry about it. Doctors have sex with their patients all the time. You are definitely not the only one." Then on his right shoulder appears an angel who says "Come on man! Yo...

The surgeon tells a patient who needs a heart transplant, "You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?"

The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Patient just told me this joke and i can't stop laughing

George was turning 90 this week and his friends thought of doing something special for him. So they planned to contact a high class Escort service and send him a nice surprise.



On his birthday, around 9 pm, when he was alone at home, the doorbell rang. George thought - who could it b...

A buddy of mine in the medical profession recently lost his job for trying to sleep with a patient...

Let me tell you, being a veterinarian isn't all it's cracked up to be.

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A patient is waiting in the doctors office...

The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc," the patient says. "Why?" "Because," the doctor says. "I'm about to give you your flu shot"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor to post-op male patient: "We accidentally amputated your dick."

Patient: "WTF?!"

Doctor: "Ma'am, you need to calm down."

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The therapist is talking to his patient...

The patient: I’m afraid of the vertical axis
The therapist: Why?
Patient: *runs out of room screaming*

You ever see those patients smoking outside a hospital?

Taking a break from being sick

A doctor was fed up with his job. A patient walked in with a terrible sore on his mouth. He asked the doctor what he should take. The doctor said

“Aleve. The doors over there.”
*(credit: gf)*

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A man walked into his doctor's office...

...complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor made a physical examination and listened to the symptoms, and concurred with the self-diagnosis.

"I want you to come back tomorrow to start treatment. And bring an apple, and an orange and a Mars Bar" said the doctor.

D...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

FDA No longer allows patients to be prescribed laxatives and medicinal marijuana

Apparently you need to either shit, or get off the pot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently, it's considered unprofessional to have sex with one of your patients

Anyway, I lost my job as a veterinarian today

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Patient: I have an irrational fear of the Backstreet Boys

Therapist: tell me why


Patient: AHHHHHHHH

A man is patiently waiting for lab results in an exam room.

The doctor enters cheery and off.

Doctor: Mr. Brando! We have your lab results back!

Brando: Thank you doctor, what’s the news?

Doctor: What you have is rare.

Brando: How rare?

Doctor: Pick a name.

A patient came to the hospital with a burned right hand.

As the doctor took down his medical history, he asked the injured man, “Do you smoke?” “Yeah, a pack and a half a day,” said the patient. Concerned, the doctor told him, “You should consider quitting.” “No, it’s OK,” said the patient. “I smoke with me left hand ".

Patient: I’m addicted to watching the film Grease.

Psychiatrist: Tell me more, tell me more.

Patient: I make my girlfriend watch it with me every day.

Psychiatrist: Does she put up a fight?

Patient: Sometimes, yeah.

Psychiatrist: Well, that’s women for you... summer lovin’, some aren’t.

Patient: I guess?

Ps...

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3 surgeons are in a bar...

They're arguing over who is the best surgeon out of all of them. The first one goes, "Well, one of my patients lost his leg, but after I gave him a prosthetic leg, he became an Olympic runner." Second one goes, "Psh, that's nothing! I once had a patient with several brain disabilities and was mental...

A doctor is operating on a patient.

He says to his assistant: “Helium please” so the assistant wheels over a tank of helium.
The doctor proceeds to put a mask on the patient so he can inhale the gas, but the patient doesn’t respond to the treatment.

The doctor turns to his assistant again. “Curium please”. And the assistant...

What did the the psychologist say to his patient, who hears voices, about her congestion?

It’s all in your head.

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Patient: “Doctor, I’m extremely constipated! I can’t poop!!”

Doctor: “No shit.”

A patient goes to a psychiatrist, naked

The psychiatrist immediately tells him “I can clearly see your nuts”

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[NSFW] A doctor is giving a tour of a local hospital

One day a public health official goes to visit a local hospital. The doctor is giving them a tour around the hospital, bragging about what an outstanding reputation it has. He claims that they are the leading hospital in treating rare disorders and afflictions.

As the doctor and visitor pass ...

A Doctor Walks into a Young Patient's Room and Sits Beside the Kid

Doctor: Hey kiddo! You're going to get discharged later on today. Don't forget to give your father my regards!

Kid: My father's dead...

Doctor: I know

A Doctor tells his patient "You have three days left to live. But there's also good news."

They are not consecutive.

I was visiting a mental hospital. Various patients shouted racial slurs at me.

I knew this country had issues with institutionalized racism.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young guy goes to a doctor, complaining that his penis has turned orange.

A young guy goes to a doctor, complaining that his penis has turned orange. The man looks healthy enough, dressed well, clean shaven, etc., but when the doctor asks him to pull down his pants, sure enough, his penis is bright orange! The doctor has never seen a case like this before, so he begins to...

PATIENT: Doctor, I need your help. I’m addicted to checking my Twitter!

DOCTOR: I’m so sorry, I don’t follow.

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Four Surgeons

Four surgeons sit around discussing their favorite patients.



The first surgeon says, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order".



The second surgeon says, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everythin...

Ultimate Dad Joke

Son: Dad, what noise does an owl make at night?
Dad: Who?

Finally got to pull this one off after 6 years of patiently waiting!!

What is an Alzheimer patient's favorite musical group?

The Who?

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The Queen of England was touring an American hospital.

During her tour, accompanied by doctors, nurses, and hospital board members, she passed a room with a man furiously masturbating.

"OH MY! HOW INAPPROPRIATE!" she exclaims

"Your majesty, he suffers from a medical condition where he generates so much sperm his testicles will explode if t...

A patient once told me that he had imposter syndrome.

I told him he was just faking it.

A patient went to the Doctor and asked him to check his leg

"Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"


The doctor cautiously places his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Give me $10! I'm desperate! I need $10!"


"I've never seen or heard anything like this before! How long has this been going on?" the ...

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Doctors of reddit - who is that one patient you really wish you'd seen again?

It was actually during my junior year. A man, about 50, came in with walking difficulties - you could tell he was really struggling when he arrived at the surgery and even looked uncomfortable when he sat down. I was expecting a leg, hip or even back complaint but once the door was shut he admitted ...

A doctor is talking to one of his patients

Doctor: "Who's your favorite rapper?"

Boy: "Eminem!"

Doctor: "Would you like to meet him someday?"

Boy: "Of course!"

Doctor: "Well he's busy right now but you'll meet tupac soon!"

Boy: "But he's dead..."

Doctor: "I know."

What did the nurse say to the patient who swallowed Scrabble tiles?

Don't worry, you'll have a vowel movement soon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the similarity between Hitler and an asthma patient?

Neither of them can finish a race.

What did the lazy dentist say to his patient with crooked teeth?

Brace yourself.

A doctor is performing a surgery on a patient.

Doctor : Relax David, it’s just a small surgery, don’t panic .

Man: But doctor , my name isn’t David.

Doctor : I know, I am David.

Doctor1: We have to operate on this patient immediately! Doctor2: Why, what does he have?

Money.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An entry level nurse walks into a patient's room...

She smiles at him, and says shes just there to give him a sponge bath.

Through his oxygen mask , he asks; "Are my testicles black?"
The nurse is taken aback, and explains again shes just there to bathe him.

He asks again, more firm, "nurse, are my testicles black?!"

"I dont...

One morning at a doctor's clinic a patient arrives complaining of serious back pain.

The doctor examines him and asks him:

"Tell me what happened to your back...?"



The patient replies: "Sir, I work for a local night club. This morning I went to my apartment early and heard some noise in my bed room.

On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor: "Are you sexually active?"

Patient: "Nah, I just lie there."

A guy goes to the doctor needing blood for his disease, the doctor sadly tells him there is only one blood type available for him and they are all out. The patient, worried asks if he is going to survive. The doctor says he isn’t sure, the patient asks isn’t there anything I can do?

The doctor looks around the room then whispers, “you can steal b positive”

I got kicked out of the hospital today

Apparently the sign "Stroke patients here" does not mean what I thought it meant.

I've become friend with a nice patient in our psychiatric hospital, but I still haven't got his name.

I call him George, but the doctors call him Imaginary.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Steve arrived early for his haircut appointment and was patiently waiting while the barber finished up with another customer

The customer was loudly bragging about how he is not only the best mailman in the area, but he has slept with numerous women over the course of his career.

“Why, I’ve even slept with every woman on Maple Street except one,” he boasted. Steve’s ears perked up because he and his wife live on M...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a doctor is sitting around after just having had sex with one of his patients and he’s feeling pretty guilty about it.

To make himself feel better he thinks “my other doctor friends have sex with their patients. Yeah, it’s not so bad.” He starts to feel a little better, but he thinks about it a little longer... and he thinks “but then again, my other doctor friends aren’t veterinarians..”

A man is in an emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains and bowel trouble. The attending physician advises that the patient will need a rectal exam. The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove...

As he lubes up his glove, he says, "Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Daniel."

The patient says, "My name isn't Daniel."

The doctor says, "Mine is."

"Where is the patient that was run over by a steamroller?"

"In room 69 to 120."

A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act.

"You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket"

But, officer, I didn't catch these -- they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket.

"Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go."...

Bruce Lee was at a doctor's appointment, but an hour passed and the doctor still wasn't there. Bruce did not get up, leave, or complain. Instead he stayed sitting in his seat.

He was waiting patient Lee.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of doctors in a psychiatric ward wanted to look for an improvement in the mental stability of their patients, so they devised an experiment. A doctor put 5 patients in one room.

While in the room, this doctor went to the wall and drew a door (with a door knob and a keyhole). He told the 5 patients in the room to figure out how to open the door.



1st patient waved at the doctors, and tried to open the painted door.

2nd patient kept shouting at the door "...

A director of an insane asylum is concerned about how full the asylum is getting and decides to make some space

He consults with the doctors and they create a plan to figure out who needs to stay and who is sane enough to be allowed back into the public. They empty out the swimming pool and gather all the patients round.

"Whoever can swim 2 lengths of this pool will be allowed to leave the asylum" say...

A case of shingles

A good ole boy by the name of Bubba walked into a Doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.

Bubba said, "Shingles."

So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and as...

What's an epileptic patient's favourite salad

A seizure salad.

What’s the difference between a customer, a client and a patient?

If I have customers, I get $10/hr. If I have clients, I get $100 an hour. If I have patients I get $1,000/hr

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Norma Findlay, Room 302

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulou...

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