How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a light bulb?

To get to the other side!

What did the doctor say to the patient suffering from a bacterial infection?

Ah, I see you're a man of culture as well

The Doctor asks the patient: "Does your head hurt?"

Patient: "Yes it does, doctor."

Doctor: "Good, now are we vaccinating your child, or do I have to slap you again?"

A doctor tells his patient "I have good news and bad news"...

"Ok, tell me the bad news first" says the patient.

"Well, you have incurable cancer" the doctor says.

"Oh my god, what could be the good news?"

"Well, you won't have it for very long"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

...

Hey doc, have you ever lost a patient?

Doctor: "Nope, I remember where they are all buried"

A patient rushes to a hospital.

Patient: NURSE I NEED A DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY!!! I'M HAVING A HUGE ISSUE RIGHT NOW.

The nurse sees the distress in the patients eyes and calls over the doctor.

Doctor: What seems to be the problem?

Patient: I don't know doc. I woke up this morning and I'm half deaf. I only hear hal...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while, he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice that said, “Dave, don’t worry about it. You’re not the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won’t be t...

Why was the cannibal in the coma patient wing?

Hes a vegetarian

If mental asylums invested in walking trails for their patients,

They could really get away with calling them psycho paths.

Doctor says to the patient: “Your coughing sounds much better.”

The patient replies: “And no wonder. I spent a lot of time practicing.”

A patient is waiting for the doctor to return with his diagnosis

The doctor walks in.

Patient: So what is it doc? Lay it on me gently.

Doctor: Umm try saying two more ten times fast.

A dentist noticed his patient had a large gold tooth. He said, “Where did you get the gold?”

The patient replied, “Its mine.”

Doctor: Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news? Patient: Good news please

Doctor: A disease is going to be named after you

So a Doctor has a patient.

The Doctor says, ¨Sir, I'm afraid that your DNA is backwards.¨

The Patient says, ¨AND?¨

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.

Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?”


The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.”

"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible"

"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."

Dentist: “This will hurt a little.” Patient:

Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”

Patient: “OK.”

Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Five surgeons are discussing who the best patients are to operate on.

The first surgeon said, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside them are numbered."

The second responded, "You should try electricians! Everything inside them are color coded."

The third surgeon said, "I really think libraria...

My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knees to test their reflexes.

He really gets a kick out of it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A patient is waiting in the doctors office...

The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc," the patient says. "Why?" "Because," the doctor says. "I'm about to give you your flu shot"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor to post-op male patient: "We accidentally amputated your dick."

Patient: "WTF?!"

Doctor: "Ma'am, you need to calm down."

A doctor was fed up with his job. A patient walked in with a terrible sore on his mouth. He asked the doctor what he should take. The doctor said

“Aleve. The doors over there.”
*(credit: gf)*

Doctor and Patient

Doctor: What's your Zodiac sign?

Patient: Cancer

Doctor: Oh what a coincidence

A buddy of mine in the medical profession recently lost his job for trying to sleep with a patient...

Let me tell you, being a veterinarian isn't all it's cracked up to be.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The therapist is talking to his patient...

The patient: I’m afraid of the vertical axis
The therapist: Why?
Patient: *runs out of room screaming*

You ever see those patients smoking outside a hospital?

Taking a break from being sick

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.

Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling."

Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting."

Her ...

A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession he loves.

What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

FDA No longer allows patients to be prescribed laxatives and medicinal marijuana

Apparently you need to either shit, or get off the pot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Patient: I get scared every time I think of big animals.

Therapist: We have pills for that, but bear in mind--

Patient: AAUUGGHH!!

A man is patiently waiting for lab results in an exam room.

The doctor enters cheery and off.

Doctor: Mr. Brando! We have your lab results back!

Brando: Thank you doctor, what’s the news?

Doctor: What you have is rare.

Brando: How rare?

Doctor: Pick a name.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A doctor is giving a tour of a local hospital

One day a public health official goes to visit a local hospital. The doctor is giving them a tour around the hospital, bragging about what an outstanding reputation it has. He claims that they are the leading hospital in treating rare disorders and afflictions.

As the doctor and visitor pass ...

Patient: I’m addicted to watching the film Grease.

Psychiatrist: Tell me more, tell me more.

Patient: I make my girlfriend watch it with me every day.

Psychiatrist: Does she put up a fight?

Patient: Sometimes, yeah.

Psychiatrist: Well, that’s women for you... summer lovin’, some aren’t.

Patient: I guess?

Ps...

A patient came to the hospital with a burned right hand.

As the doctor took down his medical history, he asked the injured man, “Do you smoke?” “Yeah, a pack and a half a day,” said the patient. Concerned, the doctor told him, “You should consider quitting.” “No, it’s OK,” said the patient. “I smoke with me left hand ".

The surgeon tells a patient who needs a heart transplant, "You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?"

The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a doctor has sex with one of his patients...

And is feeling pretty down about it. On his left shoulder appears a devil. The devil consoles him saying "Hey man, don't even worry about it. Doctors have sex with their patients all the time. You are definitely not the only one." Then on his right shoulder appears an angel who says "Come on man! Yo...

A patient goes to a psychiatrist, naked

The psychiatrist immediately tells him “I can clearly see your nuts”

What did the the psychologist say to his patient, who hears voices, about her congestion?

It’s all in your head.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Patient: I have an irrational fear of the Backstreet Boys

Therapist: tell me why


Patient: AHHHHHHHH

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently, it's considered unprofessional to have sex with one of your patients

Anyway, I lost my job as a veterinarian today

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Patient just told me this joke and i can't stop laughing

George was turning 90 this week and his friends thought of doing something special for him. So they planned to contact a high class Escort service and send him a nice surprise.



On his birthday, around 9 pm, when he was alone at home, the doorbell rang. George thought - who could it b...

A doctor is operating on a patient.

He says to his assistant: “Helium please” so the assistant wheels over a tank of helium.
The doctor proceeds to put a mask on the patient so he can inhale the gas, but the patient doesn’t respond to the treatment.

The doctor turns to his assistant again. “Curium please”. And the assistant...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Patient: “Doctor, I’m extremely constipated! I can’t poop!!”

Doctor: “No shit.”

PATIENT: Doctor, I need your help. I’m addicted to checking my Twitter!

DOCTOR: I’m so sorry, I don’t follow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Patient: "Am I gonna be ok, doc?"

Doctor: "I doubt it, Mercury is in Uranus"
Patient: "I don't do this astrology shit"
Doctor: "Me neither, my thermometer just broke"

A patient once told me that he had imposter syndrome.

I told him he was just faking it.

A Doctor Walks into a Young Patient's Room and Sits Beside the Kid

Doctor: Hey kiddo! You're going to get discharged later on today. Don't forget to give your father my regards!

Kid: My father's dead...

Doctor: I know

I was visiting a mental hospital. Various patients shouted racial slurs at me.

I knew this country had issues with institutionalized racism.

A Doctor tells his patient "You have three days left to live. But there's also good news."

They are not consecutive.

What did the nurse say to the patient who swallowed Scrabble tiles?

Don't worry, you'll have a vowel movement soon.

What did the lazy dentist say to his patient with crooked teeth?

Brace yourself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the similarity between Hitler and an asthma patient?

Neither of them can finish a race.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctors of reddit - who is that one patient you really wish you'd seen again?

It was actually during my junior year. A man, about 50, came in with walking difficulties - you could tell he was really struggling when he arrived at the surgery and even looked uncomfortable when he sat down. I was expecting a leg, hip or even back complaint but once the door was shut he admitted ...

A guy goes to the doctor needing blood for his disease, the doctor sadly tells him there is only one blood type available for him and they are all out. The patient, worried asks if he is going to survive. The doctor says he isn’t sure, the patient asks isn’t there anything I can do?

The doctor looks around the room then whispers, “you can steal b positive”

New Doctor is doing rounds in a psychiatric ward [Long]

He comes across a patient who looks perfectly fine otherwise and starts talking to him casually

Doctor: so what do you want to do in your life ?
Patient: I just want to make myself a slingshot and hunt myself some swallows

Doctor thinks to himself maybe that’s what’s wrong with the ...

Doctor1: We have to operate on this patient immediately! Doctor2: Why, what does he have?

Money.

I've become friend with a nice patient in our psychiatric hospital, but I still haven't got his name.

I call him George, but the doctors call him Imaginary.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An entry level nurse walks into a patient's room...

She smiles at him, and says shes just there to give him a sponge bath.

Through his oxygen mask , he asks; "Are my testicles black?"
The nurse is taken aback, and explains again shes just there to bathe him.

He asks again, more firm, "nurse, are my testicles black?!"

"I dont...

What is an Alzheimer patient's favorite musical group?

The Who?

A patient and a doctor are in a room

Patient: I think I have a brain tumor

Doctor: I'm sure it's all in your head

A man is in an emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains and bowel trouble. The attending physician advises that the patient will need a rectal exam. The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove...

As he lubes up his glove, he says, "Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Daniel."

The patient says, "My name isn't Daniel."

The doctor says, "Mine is."

A doctor is talking to one of his patients

Doctor: "Who's your favorite rapper?"

Boy: "Eminem!"

Doctor: "Would you like to meet him someday?"

Boy: "Of course!"

Doctor: "Well he's busy right now but you'll meet tupac soon!"

Boy: "But he's dead..."

Doctor: "I know."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Steve arrived early for his haircut appointment and was patiently waiting while the barber finished up with another customer

The customer was loudly bragging about how he is not only the best mailman in the area, but he has slept with numerous women over the course of his career.

“Why, I’ve even slept with every woman on Maple Street except one,” he boasted. Steve’s ears perked up because he and his wife live on M...

A doctor is performing a surgery on a patient.

Doctor : Relax David, it’s just a small surgery, don’t panic .

Man: But doctor , my name isn’t David.

Doctor : I know, I am David.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of doctors in a psychiatric ward wanted to look for an improvement in the mental stability of their patients, so they devised an experiment. A doctor put 5 patients in one room.

While in the room, this doctor went to the wall and drew a door (with a door knob and a keyhole). He told the 5 patients in the room to figure out how to open the door.



1st patient waved at the doctors, and tried to open the painted door.

2nd patient kept shouting at the door "...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a doctor is sitting around after just having had sex with one of his patients and he’s feeling pretty guilty about it.

To make himself feel better he thinks “my other doctor friends have sex with their patients. Yeah, it’s not so bad.” He starts to feel a little better, but he thinks about it a little longer... and he thinks “but then again, my other doctor friends aren’t veterinarians..”

A psychiatrist congratulated his patient on making such good progress.

”You call this progress?” snapped the patient. ”Six months ago, I was Abraham Lincoln. Now I’m a nobody!”

What’s the difference between a customer, a client and a patient?

If I have customers, I get $10/hr. If I have clients, I get $100 an hour. If I have patients I get $1,000/hr

A man walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied: “Shingles.”

So she wrote down his name, address and phone number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse came out and asked the man what he had. The man said: “Shingles!"

So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room....

What's an epileptic patient's favourite salad

A seizure salad.

A patient went to the Doctor and asked him to check his leg

"Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"


The doctor cautiously places his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Give me $10! I'm desperate! I need $10!"


"I've never seen or heard anything like this before! How long has this been going on?" the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two statues were standing in the park, one, a nude man and one, a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years.

One day an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
...

What do you call a group of coma patients who suddenly wake and start singing?

Vegetable medley.

The Patient Boy

A teenage boy is preparing for prom. First he goes to rent a tuxedo, but there’s a tuxedo line at the tailor's and it takes ages but he's patient finally gets it.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. It takes forever but he's ...

Patient: Whats the news doc?

Doc: Well there is good news and bad news.

Patient: Give em both doc.

Doc: Well good news is bad news wont last long...and bad news is good news wont last long either.

Patient: Why's that doc?

Doc: You're only gonna live for
3
2
1

Doctor: “I have terrible news— you only have 10 to live.”

Patient: Ten!!? Ten what? Ten Years?? Ten months?? Ten Weeks??

Doctor (slowly): Six, Five, Four, Three...

A doctor while talking to his patient

Doctor: good news and bad news

Patient : good news first

Doctor: you will lose 50 lbs

Patient : what is bad news then?

Doctor: 50lbs worth of legs.

Patient to Doctor and Doctor to Patient

Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled

The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man.

“No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

“I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!” ...

One morning at a doctor's clinic a patient arrives complaining of serious back pain.

The doctor examines him and asks him:

"Tell me what happened to your back...?"



The patient replies: "Sir, I work for a local night club. This morning I went to my apartment early and heard some noise in my bed room.

On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and th...

Patient : The composite you put in my teeth were too soft. I need something harder

Dentist : Im sorry I cant do that

Patient : What? Why not?

Dentist : I just cant. No hard fillings.

What does a preacher have in common with an HIV patient?

They spread positivity.

A patient tells his doctor he dreams about playing soccer with donkeys every night

The **doctor** responds, "No need to worry, I've got just the right medicine for you".

Immediately the **patient** whimpers, "Well, can you prescribe me the medication tomorrow".

The **doctor** chuckles, "Why?".

The **patient** states, "*Tonight is our finals*".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy and a girl are on their third date.

They haven't done anything more than kissing and the guy was getting a little bit desperate for action. So after a movie and some food he suggest they take a drive up the mountain to get a view of the city. (and some privacy before taking her home). Up there in the car they start kissing. He makes a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,

wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and...

People tell me I lose my patients too easily.

Guess I'm not a very good doctor.

My dentist has a TV on the ceiling so the patient can watch shows while he works

Netflix and Drill

I'm pretty excited I had my first chiropractic patient today!

He was complaining about neck pain, but he liked the following adjustment so much he's been asleep for the past 4 hours!

I'm going to hell

When I'm at hospitals I put half eaten sandwiches in coma patients hands, to give their family hope....

Attractive nurses probably never get accurate pulse readings from their patients.

Neither do ugly ones.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor felt extremely conflicted after sleeping with his patient. One side of his head told him, "Relax. You're not the first doc to sleep with his patient and you'll not be the last."

The other side said, "You bastard. You should be knowing that you're a veterinary doctor."

Every year I organize a patient-relative charity event to benefit Alzheimer’s research.

I tell the patients to invite their whole family but nobody ever shows up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three friends bragged about who has more sex....

Friend A said "You all have nothing on me. I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women"

Friend B said "Oh yeah? Well I'm the top gynecologist doctor at the most hig...

“Have you been sleeping by an open window, like I told you?” asks a doctor his patient.

“Yes, just like you said, doc.”

“And is the bronchitis gone now?”

“Not yet, so far the only things gone are my laptop and cellphone.”

The doctor tells his patient that he is going to die in 10

Patient: 10 what? 10days? 10months? 10years?

Doctor: 9

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out. 

When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic ac...

I told my wife I liked her with her hair back

Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

The doctor to the patient, you came just in time!

The patient curious: "Why, is it that bad?" The doctor relieved "No, tomorrow it would have been gone!"

Sorry, I've got some bad news!

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."


Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Years? Months? Weeks?!"


Doctor: "Nine."

Doctor: your time has come, 2 minutes left for you to live.

Patient: "opens darude sandstorm"

Doctor: but it's almost 4 minutes long

God: it's ok

What do you call the patient zero for HIV

First aids

I set my Alzheimer's-patient grandmother's home page to r/jokes

She loves reading the fresh new jokes every day!

A nurse wakes up her patient and says

"Wake up Mrs. Johnson. It's time to take your sleeping pills"

A new patient arrived at a mental hospital.

A doctor came to greet him.

"Good morning, sir. What's your name?", the doctor asked.

"I am John F. Kennedy", the patient replied.

"Oh, well I believe you'll fit in here quite well. We have a lot of former presidents at our hospital."

"I'm not a president. I'm an airport....

A doctor asks her patient...

"Does it hurt?"

"Yes, a lot," the patient replies.

"Now," says the doctor, "shall we vaccinate that kid or do you want another walloping?"

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