This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a doctor has sex with one of his patients...

And is feeling pretty down about it. On his left shoulder appears a devil. The devil consoles him saying "Hey man, don't even worry about it. Doctors have sex with their patients all the time. You are definitely not the only one." Then on his right shoulder appears an angel who says "Come on man! Yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.

Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling."

Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting."

Her ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Patient just told me this joke and i can't stop laughing

George was turning 90 this week and his friends thought of doing something special for him. So they planned to contact a high class Escort service and send him a nice surprise.

​

On his birthday, around 9 pm, when he was alone at home, the doorbell rang. George thought - wh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An entry level nurse walks into a patient's room...

She smiles at him, and says shes just there to give him a sponge bath.

Through his oxygen mask , he asks; "Are my testicles black?"
The nurse is taken aback, and explains again shes just there to bathe him.

He asks again, more firm, "nurse, are my testicles black?!"

"I dont...

A doctor is performing a surgery on a patient.

Doctor : Relax David, it’s just a small surgery, don’t panic .

Man: But doctor , my name isn’t David.

Doctor : I know, I am David.

How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take in to screw in a lightbulb?

To get to the other side

“Have you been sleeping by an open window, like I told you?” asks a doctor his patient.

“Yes, just like you said, doc.”

“And is the bronchitis gone now?”

“Not yet, so far the only things gone are my laptop and cellphone.”

A doctor while talking to his patient

Doctor: good news and bad news

Patient : good news first

Doctor: you will lose 50 lbs

Patient : what is bad news then?

Doctor: 50lbs worth of legs.

A mental hospital decides to teach its patients the colors.

They first paint a wall red. Within the next day the patients had already eaten the wall.

Surprised but resilient, the doctors paint another wall and are again surprised that by tommorow the wall had been eaten.

Intrigued the doctors paint another wall green but this time the patients ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor confides to a coworker, “I just had sex with one of my patients. My wife is going to kill me.”

The coworker says “Don’t worry about it. I’ve had sex with my patients too. It’s not that big a deal.”

The doctor replies, “But you’re a pediatrician.”

A doctor tells his patient he has terminal cancer

“Oh, my God!” the guy says. “How long do I have left?”

“Seven,” says the doctor.

“Seven what, doc?” says the guy. “Months? Years?”

“Six, ” says the doctor.

A patient tells his doctor he dreams about playing soccer with donkeys every night

The **doctor** responds, "No need to worry, I've got just the right medicine for you".

Immediately the **patient** whimpers, "Well, can you prescribe me the medication tomorrow".

The **doctor** chuckles, "Why?".

The **patient** states, "*Tonight is our finals*".

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup

Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?”

The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.

"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is ...

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the...

Patient: Whats the news doc?

Doc: Well there is good news and bad news.

Patient: Give em both doc.

Doc: Well good news is bad news wont last long...and bad news is good news wont last long either.

Patient: Why's that doc?

Doc: You're only gonna live for
3
2
1

A doctor is talking to one of his patients

Doctor: "Who's your favorite rapper?"

Boy: "Eminem!"

Doctor: "Would you like to meet him someday?"

Boy: "Of course!"

Doctor: "Well he's busy right now but you'll meet tupac soon!"

Boy: "But he's dead..."

Doctor: "I know."

Attractive nurses probably never get accurate pulse readings from their patients.

Neither do ugly ones.

Why do doctors make us wait at the hospital?

Because we’re patient

Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.

Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea. 
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.

One morning at a doctor's clinic a patient arrives complaining of serious back pain.

The doctor examines him and asks him:

"Tell me what happened to your back...?"

​

The patient replies: "Sir, I work for a local night club. This morning I went to my apartment early and heard some noise in my bed room.

On entering I knew someone had been with my...

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out. 

When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic ac...

Patient : Doc, what happens after we die ?

Simple! We clean the bed and admit a new patient.

What's the similarity between Hitler and an asthma patient?

Neither of them can finish a race.

What did the patient with the broken leg say to their doctor?

Hey doc, I have a crutch on you.

In the op room, what can you use in replacement of the anesthetic, if the patient's allergic to it ?

Earplugs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor felt extremely conflicted after sleeping with his patient. One side of his head told him, "Relax. You're not the first doc to sleep with his patient and you'll not be the last."

The other side said, "You bastard. You should be knowing that you're a veterinary doctor."

What does a preacher have in common with an HIV patient?

They spread positivity.

A nurse wakes up her patient and says

"Wake up Mrs. Johnson. It's time to take your sleeping pills"

A Familiar Patient.

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!”

The hypnotherapist shakes his head. “Not a...

What’s the worst thing you can say to a hospital patient?

I slept with your wife.

I set my Alzheimer's-patient grandmother's home page to r/jokes

She loves reading the fresh new jokes every day!

A doctor calls his patient.

Doctor says, "Your check came back."
Patient says, "So did my arthritis!"

Doctor&Patient

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."


Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"


Doctor: "Nine."

The doctor tells his patient that he is going to die in 10

Patient: 10 what? 10days? 10months? 10years?

Doctor: 9

During his exam, a medical student had to perform a surgery on a patient.

One of them passed.

Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible

Doctor: “Well, tell him I can't see him right now.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,

wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and...

A patient went to the Doctor and asked him to check his leg

"Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"


The doctor cautiously places his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Give me $10! I'm desperate! I need $10!"


"I've never seen or heard anything like this before! How long has this been going on?" the ...

If I'm a neurosurgeon for patients under the age of 16

Does that make me a Child Minder?

A patient walks into his Doctor’s office and asks “I’ve been having this really bad pain in my back and money is kinda tight at the moment. Can you recommend any natural healing agents? Perhaps even meditation?”

The doctor replies “sorry sir, I’m just not sha-man.”

Patient: Doctor, I have accidentally swallowed the “DO NOT EAT” packet from my new shoes, will I die?!!

Doctor: Well, everyone’s going to die eventually.
Patient; Everyone?!.. Oh my god, what have I done?!!!

Dentist: “This will hurt a little.” Patient: “OK.”

Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”

What do you call a patient with atrial fibrillation who has never had a heart procedure?

A cardiovirgin

A doctor says to his patient: “I have bad news, and I have worse news”

A doctor says to his patient: “I have bad news, and I have worse news”

The patient says: “Give me the worse news first”

Doctor: “You have cancer.”

Patient: “Oh no, then what’s the bad news?”

Doctor: “You also have Alzheimer’s.”

Patient, relieved: “Well, at least I ...

As get older, I’ve developed an embarrassing habit of screaming loudly during a proctology exam.

It makes my patients extremely uncomfortable.

Patient: Doc, I'm worried. This is my first surgery.

Doc: Me too!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with a stutter goes to the doctor

Patient: "D-d-doctor, I h-h-have a p-problem w-with m-m-ma wife..."

Doctor: "What's the issue? Is it the stutter? You know that I'm a plastic surgeon, right?"

Patient:"Y-yes a-a-I'm f-f-fully a-a-aware of that. e-e-It's n-n-not the sssss-tutter, e-it s'actually b-bout my penis... It's ...

Three doctors are discussing which types of patients they prefer

Doctor Watson says, ''I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.'' Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ''I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.'' Doctor Ahn says, ''I prefer lawyers. They’re gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear-ends are interchangeabl...

Patient: "Doctor, Doctor! I keep thinking my arms have become marquees!"

Doctor: "I think you might be too tense".

A gynecologist notices that a new patient is nervous.

While putting on the latex gloves, he asks her if she knows how they make latex gloves.

The patient says no.

The doctor says, "There is a plant in Mexico full of latex that people of various hand sizes dip their hands into and let them dry. She does not crack a smile, but later she...

What do you call the patient zero for HIV

First aids

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor Kevin had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long

Doctor Kevin had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Kevin don't...

Why shouldn’t you ask big favors of certain diagnosed patients?

They usually come with conditions

Patient: “Doc, it hurts when I touch here (taps forehead), here (taps nose), here (taps chin), pretty much everywhere.”

Doctor: “You have a broken finger.”

A doctor asks his patient “What is your pain on a scale 1-10”

The patient responds “pi”
Doctor “pi?”
Patient “ it’s low level but never ending”

A doctor on the phone to one of his patients and says the following...

... "I have some very bad news for you and some even worse. The lab called with your test results and said you have 24 hours to live."

And the patient replies, "Just 24 hours! That's terrible! What is the even worse news then?"

The doctor tells him, "I've been trying to reach you since...

A doctor asks her patient...

"Does it hurt?"

"Yes, a lot," the patient replies.

"Now," says the doctor, "shall we vaccinate that kid or do you want another walloping?"

The nurse at the admissions desk kept misrecording each patient's blood-types..

His inability to use a keyboard definitely resulted in a whole lot of Type-Os!

Man circumcised by mistake when surgeons confused him for another patient’

Guess this is what they mean by undesirable cutbacks in the NHS.

Doctor to assistant: I said to give the patient something for his cough! Why did you give him a laxative?!

Assistant: Well he's not coughing anymore, is he?
Doctor: ..I guess he wouldn't dare..

Doctor: Would you like to hear the good new or the bad news first? Patient:The good news I guess...

Doctor: We’re naming a disease after you

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.'
Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth.'
Lawyer: 'Ugh. this is kerosene.'
Chinese: 'Congrats, your s...

A new patient arrived at a mental hospital.

A doctor came to greet him.

"Good morning, sir. What's your name?", the doctor asked.

"I am John F. Kennedy", the patient replied.

"Oh, well I believe you'll fit in here quite well. We have a lot of former presidents at our hospital."

"I'm not a president. I'm an airport....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

5 surgeons discussing who makes the best patients to operate on

The first surgeon, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, says, "No, I really think librarian...

Today I learned where plastic surgeons get new noses for their patients...

At the olfactory.

Patient: my crossword is making me depressed

Doctor: try not to get two down

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had sex for 3 hours last night...

We roleplayed as doctor and patient, and I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. The doctor walks in: "Sir, I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." Patient: "l don't understand, doc. Why?"

Doctor: "Because I'm trying to examine
you."

It's a sad day. After several years of medical training & hard work, a friend of mine has been struck off after just 1 minor indiscretion - he slept with one of his patients and is now barred from his profession. An utter waste of training and money.

He's a genuinely nice guy too, and an excellent vet

Patient: I keep having flashbacks to that one K-Pop concert.

Therapist: I see, I diagnose you with BTSD.

What did the doctor say to the patient after administering coagulant?

The clot thickens.

Patient: Doctor, tell me, what's wrong with me?

Doctor: I'm not going to sugar-coat it, you have diabetes.

As a doctor, I am addicted to hitting my patients on their knees to test their reflexes.

I really get a kick out of it.

A new guy starts working at the local mental asylum.

After giving him some general indications, the director tells him to ask any question he may have.

-Yes, director, I have one. How do we know if a patient is cured and ready to leave the asylum?

-Well -says the director-, once per year, we gather some of them and ask them a question. I...

My girlfriend and I were doing some doctor/patient ropelay. "Oh ny god," she purred, "are you going to inject ne, doc?"

I said, "Yes, honey. But don't worry, you won't feel a thing."

A friend of mine who was a doctor of 7 years got fired for sleeping with a patient

Really heartbreaking he was an astounding vet

I asked my doctor friend if he ever slept with a patient...

He had the audacity to get MAD!
Man, vets really have no sense of humour...

At the doctor's office

Dr: Sir I have unfortunate n...

Patient: IT'S MA'AM!!!

Dr: Ma'am you have testicular cancer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife came home after a long day in the operating room and told me about a patient she had that required eyelid transplants. With no other options they were forced to use skin from the man’s foreskin to complete the transplant...

Apparently he came out a little cock-eyed

Patient: I seem to be seeing cream cakes in the corner of my eye

Doctor: that's just your profiterole vision

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman patient in a hospital had been in a coma for a number of years. Each day a nurse gave her a bed bath. One day while washing her private parts she notices that the monitor shows an increase in heart rate.

The nurse tells a Doctor, He considers the results and calls her husband. When he arrives the Doctor suggests that oral sex may help. The husband agrees and they pull the curtain around the bed for privacy.

30 minutes later the monitor shows her heart and breathing has stopped, then she flat...

I had a patient the other day who didn’t want to let me stitch up his laceration. I said fine...

Suture self

The patient said to the Brain-surgeon.

I can't seem to get you out of my mind.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Male patient just recovered successfully from a sex threatening health attack.

He was wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and laying on a hospital bed. An young nurse came to clean his body with sponge. The patient mumbled, “Are my testicles black?” Nurse replied, “I don’t know Sir, I am just getting you clean” The patient repeated again, “Are my testicles black?” N...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is being released from a US hospital.

As he is being escorted out by a nurse, he passes by a patient’s room with the door open and sees that the male patient is masturbating furiously. Confused, he turns to the nurse and asks, “what the hell is going on here?!” The nurse replies, “you see, this man has a serious condition where if he d...

A patient talks to his therapist after a suicide attempt

"So Greg, I've been informed that you attempted suicide the other day. Is this correct?" asks the therapist.

"Yes, it is unfortunately true. My wife decided to divorce me and the kids chose to live with her, it struck me hard man." said Greg.

"I know this is gonna be hard for you to do...

A doctor contacts his patient, John, over the phone.

“I’ve got bad news and worse news, John.” He tells his patient grimly.

“Oh no! What is it?” John asks.

“Well, the bad news is that you have a day to live.”

“That’s awful! How can there be any worse news?”

“I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

A patient bursts into a doctor’s office, "Doctor, I believe I'm a deck of cards!"

The doctor calmly replies, "Go sit in the waiting room, please, I'll be dealing with you later."

What’d the Australian optometrist say to his 20/20 patient?

“Good eye might”

How many depression counselors does it take to treat a patient who've seen the same joke thrice in a day?

I will let you know when I recover.

A cholesterol patient went to the doctor..

A cholesterol patient went to the doctor to check on his cholesterol levels.

Doctor: I have good news for you. You cholesterol has stayed the same. But, the bad news is, the research findings have changed..

What did the surgeon say to the patient who wanted to close up his own incision ?

Suture self

A patient is visiting his therapist.

The therapist asks the man, “Were you bullied as a child?”
The man responds “No, Doc”.
The therapist pauses, jots down a note on her pad and asks “Oh. Did you have a different haircut, then?”,

Patient: Doctor, I need your help! I've lost my memory!

Doctor : When did it happen?

Patient : When did what happen?

What do suicide bombers and Dr Phil patients have in common?

Both blow up because of mental illnesses.

A doctor is checking out an elderly patient.

The doctor says to the old man, "Sir, are you aware you have a suppository in your ear?"

The old man immediately pulls out his cell phone, calls his wife, and says, "Martha, you can stop looking for my hearing aid, I think I know where I put it!"

A doctors patient dies after a type B blood transfusion

Musta been a type-O

A receptionist at a doctor’s office announces new privacy laws to patients waiting in the common area.

“Starting today, people won’t be called by their name.”

People somehow smile and nod.

“So, the man with hemorrhoids, please come in.”

What did the religious patient say when he was diagnosed with a skin abnormality?

Jesus, take the wheal

I lost an argument to a scoliosis patient the other day...

I guess I stand corrected.

"Why can't I feel my legs?" asked the patient

The doctor replied, "Because your arms have been blown off!"

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then ...

Psychiatrist: *tips fedora at depressed patient*

"M'lancholy"

Patient: Doctor, my body hurts in so many places

Doctor: Well, I suggest you stop going to those places

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During his routine medical check, the long suffering patient asked the doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life?"

"I doubt it", said the doctor, "Mercury is in Uranus right now."

The patient said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

“Neither do I", replied the doctor, "My thermometer just broke in your ass."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the blind urologist who had trouble finding his patient's penis?

You gotta hand it to him.

What did the doctor advise the patient with gluten allergy?

You need bread rest

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor sees his patient awkwardly standing at the bar.

Doctor: “Hey patient how are you feeling, did the constipation get better?”

Patient: “No”

Doctor: “So you’re still not able to to go number 2.”

Patient: “No shit doc.”

Doctor: “But why are you standing?”

Patient: “I’ve got no stool.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When the surgeon came to see his young female patient on the day after her operation, she was slightly embarrassed.

So the doctor she asked, "What's wrong?"

"Well this is a bit embarrassing for me, but just how long will it be before I can resume my normal sex life?"

"Uh," stammered the doctor, as he thought pensively.

"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it," replied the stunned surgeon.
...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.