How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take in to screw in a lightbulb?

To get to the other side

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My Patient just told me this joke and i can't stop laughing

George was turning 90 this week and his friends thought of doing something special for him. So they planned to contact a high class Escort service and send him a nice surprise.

​

On his birthday, around 9 pm, when he was alone at home, the doorbell rang. George thought - wh...

One morning at a doctor's clinic a patient arrives complaining of serious back pain.

The doctor examines him and asks him:

"Tell me what happened to your back...?"

​

The patient replies: "Sir, I work for a local night club. This morning I went to my apartment early and heard some noise in my bed room.

On entering I knew someone had been with my...

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the...

Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible

Doctor: “Well, tell him I can't see him right now.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.

"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is ...

TEA PATIENT

Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.

What do you call a patient with atrial fibrillation who has never had a heart procedure?

A cardiovirgin

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,

wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and...

As get older, I’ve developed an embarrassing habit of screaming loudly during a proctology exam.

It makes my patients extremely uncomfortable.

A patient went to the Doctor and asked him to check his leg

"Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"


The doctor cautiously places his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Give me $10! I'm desperate! I need $10!"


"I've never seen or heard anything like this before! How long has this been going on?" the ...

Patient: Doc, I'm worried. This is my first surgery.

Doc: Me too!!

Who was patient zero for AIDS?

First-aid

What do you get if you put a coma patient in a hot bath?

Vegetable soup

The nurse at the admissions desk kept misrecording each patient's blood-types..

His inability to use a keyboard definitely resulted in a whole lot of Type-Os!

The doctor tells his patient that he is going to die in 10

Patient: 10 what? 10days? 10months? 10years?

Doctor: 9

Dentist: “This will hurt a little.” Patient: “OK.”

Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”

Doctor: Would you like to hear the good new or the bad news first? Patient:The good news I guess...

Doctor: We’re naming a disease after you

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Doctor Kevin had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long

Doctor Kevin had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Kevin don't...

A doctor asks her patient...

"Does it hurt?"

"Yes, a lot," the patient replies.

"Now," says the doctor, "shall we vaccinate that kid or do you want another walloping?"

If you are a homeopathy practitioner and someone make an emergency call, how would you save the patient's life?

By not giving him/her any medicine.

What did the doctor say to the patient after administering coagulant?

The clot thickens.

Today I learned where plastic surgeons get new noses for their patients...

At the olfactory.

Patient: my crossword is making me depressed

Doctor: try not to get two down

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. The doctor walks in: "Sir, I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." Patient: "l don't understand, doc. Why?"

Doctor: "Because I'm trying to examine
you."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

5 surgeons discussing who makes the best patients to operate on

The first surgeon, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, says, "No, I really think librarian...

Doctor to assistant: I said to give the patient something for his cough! Why did you give him a laxative?!

Assistant: Well he's not coughing anymore, is he?
Doctor: ..I guess he wouldn't dare..

Patient: I keep having flashbacks to that one K-Pop concert.

Therapist: I see, I diagnose you with BTSD.

A new patient arrived at a mental hospital.

A doctor came to greet him.

"Good morning, sir. What's your name?", the doctor asked.

"I am John F. Kennedy", the patient replied.

"Oh, well I believe you'll fit in here quite well. We have a lot of former presidents at our hospital."

"I'm not a president. I'm an airport....

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.'
Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth.'
Lawyer: 'Ugh. this is kerosene.'
Chinese: 'Congrats, your s...

I had a patient the other day who didn’t want to let me stitch up his laceration. I said fine...

Suture self

It's a sad day. After several years of medical training & hard work, a friend of mine has been struck off after just 1 minor indiscretion - he slept with one of his patients and is now barred from his profession. An utter waste of training and money.

He's a genuinely nice guy too, and an excellent vet

Patient: Doctor, tell me, what's wrong with me?

Doctor: I'm not going to sugar-coat it, you have diabetes.

I asked my doctor friend if he ever slept with a patient...

He had the audacity to get MAD!
Man, vets really have no sense of humour...

At the doctor's office

Dr: Sir I have unfortunate n...

Patient: IT'S MA'AM!!!

Dr: Ma'am you have testicular cancer.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I had sex for 3 hours last night...

We roleplayed as doctor and patient, and I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.

A friend of mine who was a doctor of 7 years got fired for sleeping with a patient

Really heartbreaking he was an astounding vet

A friend of mine is hard working person and last month he was fired from his job because he slept with one of his patient

He was a nice guy and a brilliant Vet

What’d the Australian optometrist say to his 20/20 patient?

“Good eye might”

As a doctor, I am addicted to hitting my patients on their knees to test their reflexes.

I really get a kick out of it.

Patient: I seem to be seeing cream cakes in the corner of my eye

Doctor: that's just your profiterole vision

The patient said to the Brain-surgeon.

I can't seem to get you out of my mind.

Surgeon and patient

Surgeon: This is your first time Jeff, but it's gonna be alright.
Patient: But my name is not Jeff.
Surgeon: I know. Jeff is my name.

My girlfriend and I were doing some doctor/patient ropelay. "Oh ny god," she purred, "are you going to inject ne, doc?"

I said, "Yes, honey. But don't worry, you won't feel a thing."

A doctor contacts his patient, John, over the phone.

“I’ve got bad news and worse news, John.” He tells his patient grimly.

“Oh no! What is it?” John asks.

“Well, the bad news is that you have a day to live.”

“That’s awful! How can there be any worse news?”

“I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

A cholesterol patient went to the doctor..

A cholesterol patient went to the doctor to check on his cholesterol levels.

Doctor: I have good news for you. You cholesterol has stayed the same. But, the bad news is, the research findings have changed..

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Male patient just recovered successfully from a sex threatening health attack.

He was wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and laying on a hospital bed. An young nurse came to clean his body with sponge. The patient mumbled, “Are my testicles black?” Nurse replied, “I don’t know Sir, I am just getting you clean” The patient repeated again, “Are my testicles black?” N...

A patient bursts into a doctor’s office, "Doctor, I believe I'm a deck of cards!"

The doctor calmly replies, "Go sit in the waiting room, please, I'll be dealing with you later."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife came home after a long day in the operating room and told me about a patient she had that required eyelid transplants. With no other options they were forced to use skin from the man’s foreskin to complete the transplant...

Apparently he came out a little cock-eyed

What did the surgeon say to the patient who wanted to close up his own incision ?

Suture self

A new guy starts working at the local mental asylum.

After giving him some general indications, the director tells him to ask any question he may have.

-Yes, director, I have one. How do we know if a patient is cured and ready to leave the asylum?

-Well -says the director-, once per year, we gather some of them and ask them a question. I...

A patient is visiting his therapist.

The therapist asks the man, “Were you bullied as a child?”
The man responds “No, Doc”.
The therapist pauses, jots down a note on her pad and asks “Oh. Did you have a different haircut, then?”,

A doctors patient dies after a type B blood transfusion

Musta been a type-O

How many depression counselors does it take to treat a patient who've seen the same joke thrice in a day?

I will let you know when I recover.

"Why can't I feel my legs?" asked the patient

The doctor replied, "Because your arms have been blown off!"

A receptionist at a doctor’s office announces new privacy laws to patients waiting in the common area.

“Starting today, people won’t be called by their name.”

People somehow smile and nod.

“So, the man with hemorrhoids, please come in.”

I lost an argument to a scoliosis patient the other day...

I guess I stand corrected.

A doctor is checking out an elderly patient.

The doctor says to the old man, "Sir, are you aware you have a suppository in your ear?"

The old man immediately pulls out his cell phone, calls his wife, and says, "Martha, you can stop looking for my hearing aid, I think I know where I put it!"

What did the religious patient say when he was diagnosed with a skin abnormality?

Jesus, take the wheal

Patient: Doctor, my body hurts in so many places

Doctor: Well, I suggest you stop going to those places

Psychiatrist: *tips fedora at depressed patient*

"M'lancholy"

Patient: Doctor, I need your help! I've lost my memory!

Doctor : When did it happen?

Patient : When did what happen?

A patient talks to his therapist after a suicide attempt

"So Greg, I've been informed that you attempted suicide the other day. Is this correct?" asks the therapist.

"Yes, it is unfortunately true. My wife decided to divorce me and the kids chose to live with her, it struck me hard man." said Greg.

"I know this is gonna be hard for you to do...

What did the doctor advise the patient with gluten allergy?

You need bread rest

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about the blind urologist who had trouble finding his patient's penis?

You gotta hand it to him.

Stranger: Good morning, Doctor. I just dropped in to tell you how much I benefited from your treatment.

Doctor: But you’re not one of my patients

Stranger: I know. But my Uncle Bill was, and I’m his heir.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Physical at the Doctor

A man is at the Dr. getting a physical and she tells him to take off his pants to examine him.

Dr: OMG, what is wrong with your knees!?
Patient: Kneasles.
Dr: Don't you mean measles?
Patient: No it's kneasles, disease of the knees.
Dr: ummm ok, well take off your socks so I can ex...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is being released from a US hospital.

As he is being escorted out by a nurse, he passes by a patient’s room with the door open and sees that the male patient is masturbating furiously. Confused, he turns to the nurse and asks, “what the hell is going on here?!” The nurse replies, “you see, this man has a serious condition where if he d...

A doctor tell his patient you got one month to live and slaps a bill of $3000. To his patient's horror, he says i dont have time to pay.

Then the doctor says alright you have two months 2 live

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman patient in a hospital had been in a coma for a number of years. Each day a nurse gave her a bed bath. One day while washing her private parts she notices that the monitor shows an increase in heart rate.

The nurse tells a Doctor, He considers the results and calls her husband. When he arrives the Doctor suggests that oral sex may help. The husband agrees and they pull the curtain around the bed for privacy.

30 minutes later the monitor shows her heart and breathing has stopped, then she flat...

A new nurse starts working at the hospital and is assigned to go take the vitals of the patients on the floor.

A second nurse is assigned to follow her to make sure she does it right and to check her work. The new nurse is chatting about how her nursing school is really pushing all kinds of new modern techniques and she can't wait to use them every day.

In the first patient's room, the nurse takes the...

Patient: Doc, I'd give my left nut to fix my knee

Doc: So you are asking for a ball joint?

What is the worst thing a doctor can tell an AIDS patient?

Q: What is the worst thing a doctor can tell an AIDS patient?

A: Stay positive.

Doctor to patient - We have finally figured out

Why your pain isn't going away.

Patient - why?

Doctor - Even though these pills are called analgesics, they are supposed to be taken by mouth.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The patient and the Doctor.

Patient: Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life?

Doctor: I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus right now.

Patient: I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense.

Doctor: Neither do I. My thermometer just broke in your ass.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A patient of mine told me this joke today... When is a man the smartest he'll ever be?

While he's having sex with his wife; because he's plugged into a know it all.

Doctor, on a scale of 1 to 10, how bad is this tumor?

Doctor: "I'd say it's be-nine."

Patient: "Hahaha"

Doctor: "Hahahaha"

Patient: "Haha"

Doctor: "You have a month to live."

Nurse to bleeding patient - Don’t worry ......

All bleedings stop.....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
......eventually

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When the surgeon came to see his young female patient on the day after her operation, she was slightly embarrassed.

So the doctor she asked, "What's wrong?"

"Well this is a bit embarrassing for me, but just how long will it be before I can resume my normal sex life?"

"Uh," stammered the doctor, as he thought pensively.

"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it," replied the stunned surgeon.
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One of my patients forgot their stool sample today

I guess some people just don’t give a shit

Patient: Doc, as per your advice,

I have stopped drinking, now I only drink alcohol if someone insists.

Doctor: Ok!
who is the gentleman with you?

Patient: Oh, he?
He is the one I employed to insist.

A patient and his doctor were sitting in the doctor's clinic. Doctor: "I regret to inform you that you have cancer and Alzheimers".

Patient: "Oh well, at least I don't have cancer".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A dentist, doing his first extraction on a patient, was understandably nervous.

When he got the molar out, his hand shook, he lost his grip on the instrument, and the tooth dropped down into the patient's throat.

"Sorry," said the doctor. "You're outside my specialty now.... You should see a laryngologist! [throat specialist]." By the time the unfortunate victim got to ...

A doctor says to his patient, "Don't eat anything fatty..."

To which the patient replies, "Well what about fruit, can I eat that?"

"No fatty, don't eat anything."

What did the mesothelioma patient say to his doctor?

“I’m breathing asbestos I can!”

What did the nurse tell her patient after he refused to let her mend a cut on his arm?

“Fine, suture self!”

Doctor told his patient he has 2 months to live.

So he killed his doctor and the judge gave him 20 years.

Can't survive in Lagos if you're not smart.

For-profit healthcare is a great system that benefits patients and ensures higher quality care.

lul

Right before surgery the surgeon says: "Relax, Jim. It's just a small scalpel incision. No reason to panic."

The patient replies: "But, Doctor, my name is not Jim." The surgeon says: "I know. I'm Jim."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A doctor has got his patient's results

Ok, so... I have got bad and good news. The bad news is that I'll have to cut your legs off. But don't worry, the good news is that now your penis will reach the floor.

Where are doctors most observant of their patients in the hospital?

In the ICU.

Doctor: It's okay to get an erection during a prostate exam.

Patient: But I don't have an erection...

Doctor: I do..

Patient: So, do you think me being hard of hearing has contributed to my bird phobia?

Doctor: maybe a smidgen.
Patient: WHAT?!? WHERE?!?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Doctor was fired for having sex with his patients

Thats a shame, he was an excellent veterinarian.

Did you hear the one about the doctor treating his patient?

Neither did I, Doctor-patient confidentiality.

ER patient with a flashlight up his ass!

He was delighted upon its removal!

Blonde patient went to the doctor

Patient. Everywhere I touch it hurts.

Doctor. You have a broken finger.

A patient walks into a therapist's office.

The patient says "You would not believe the week I've had".

The doctor says "No. You're a compulsive liar, that's why you're here."

Why did the cardiologist sent his patient to gastroscopy?

"The way to a man's heart is through his stomach."

Doctor: Sorry for waiting, John

John: It's okay doc, I'm patient

Patient: I broke my arm in 3 places

Doctor: Don’t go to those places.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car.

The nurse asks him, "Charlie what are you doing?"

Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how you doing?"
...

A patient is being seen by her doctor for an emergency visit...

"Doctor," croaks the patient, barely able to speak, "I'm in terrible pain! I made one of those frozen pizzas, and then ate it before it cooled down. I burned my throat terribly!"

The doctor, skeptical, checks the patient's mouth. He's shocked to see *extensive* burns throughout her mouth, and...

A psychiatrist meets a new patient

The doctor is shocked by his new ward, because the man is wearing only saran wrap, no clothes.

The patient asks his new doctor, "What do you think doc', am I crazy?!"

The doctor calmly replies, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.

Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling."






Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal cl...

Did you hear about the surgeon who branded his initials on a patient's organ?

Apparently it was an inside joke