This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled

The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man.

“No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

“I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!” ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Patient: I get scared every time I think of big animals.

Therapist: We have pills for that, but bear in mind--

Patient: AAUUGGHH!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while, he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice that said, “Dave, don’t worry about it. You’re not the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won’t be t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Patient: “Doctor, I’m extremely constipated! I can’t poop!!”

Doctor: “No shit.”

A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession he loves.

What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.

Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling."

Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting."

Her ...

The surgeon tells a patient who needs a heart transplant, "You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?"

The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."

A doctor is operating on a patient.

He says to his assistant: “Helium please” so the assistant wheels over a tank of helium.
The doctor proceeds to put a mask on the patient so he can inhale the gas, but the patient doesn’t respond to the treatment.

The doctor turns to his assistant again. “Curium please”. And the assistant...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a doctor has sex with one of his patients...

And is feeling pretty down about it. On his left shoulder appears a devil. The devil consoles him saying "Hey man, don't even worry about it. Doctors have sex with their patients all the time. You are definitely not the only one." Then on his right shoulder appears an angel who says "Come on man! Yo...

I was visiting a mental hospital. Various patients shouted racial slurs at me.

I knew this country had issues with institutionalized racism.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently, it's considered unprofessional to have sex with one of your patients

Anyway, I lost my job as a veterinarian today

How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take in to screw in a lightbulb?

To get to the other side

A Doctor Walks into a Young Patient's Room and Sits Beside the Kid

Doctor: Hey kiddo! You're going to get discharged later on today. Don't forget to give your father my regards!

Kid: My father's dead...

Doctor: I know

A Doctor tells his patient "You have three days left to live. But there's also good news."

They are not consecutive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Patient: I have an irrational fear of the Backstreet Boys

Therapist: tell me why


Patient: AHHHHHHHH

A doctor comes into a patient and says, "I've good news and I've bad news."

The patient says, "Give me the good news first."

The doctor replies, "The good news is that you get to name a newly-discovered disease."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the similarity between Hitler and an asthma patient?

Neither of them can finish a race.

A guy goes to the doctor needing blood for his disease, the doctor sadly tells him there is only one blood type available for him and they are all out. The patient, worried asks if he is going to survive. The doctor says he isn’t sure, the patient asks isn’t there anything I can do?

The doctor looks around the room then whispers, “you can steal b positive”

What is an Alzheimer patient's favorite musical group?

The Who?

Doctor1: We have to operate on this patient immediately! Doctor2: Why, what does he have?

Money.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctors of reddit - who is that one patient you really wish you'd seen again?

It was actually during my junior year. A man, about 50, came in with walking difficulties - you could tell he was really struggling when he arrived at the surgery and even looked uncomfortable when he sat down. I was expecting a leg, hip or even back complaint but once the door was shut he admitted ...

I've become friend with a nice patient in our psychiatric hospital, but I still haven't got his name.

I call him George, but the doctors call him Imaginary.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Patient just told me this joke and i can't stop laughing

George was turning 90 this week and his friends thought of doing something special for him. So they planned to contact a high class Escort service and send him a nice surprise.



On his birthday, around 9 pm, when he was alone at home, the doorbell rang. George thought - who could it b...

"Where is the patient that was run over by a steamroller?"

"In room 69 to 120."

A patient and a doctor are in a room

Patient: I think I have a brain tumor

Doctor: I'm sure it's all in your head

A man is in an emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains and bowel trouble. The attending physician advises that the patient will need a rectal exam. The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove...

As he lubes up his glove, he says, "Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Daniel."

The patient says, "My name isn't Daniel."

The doctor says, "Mine is."

Hannibal Lector was caught in a hospitals ICU, munching on a comatose patient

"Dr. Lector", Clarise Starling asked him when they were re-united, "why did you take such a risk to go into a busy ICU unit?"

"Simple, my dear Clarise...I've gone vegetarian."

A surgeon was getting ready to operate on a patient. "David," he said, "don't worry. Remain calm. This is just a minor surgery." The patient replied, "my name is not David."

"I know," the surgeon said. "My name is David."

What’s the difference between a customer, a client and a patient?

If I have customers, I get $10/hr. If I have clients, I get $100 an hour. If I have patients I get $1,000/hr

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of doctors in a psychiatric ward wanted to look for an improvement in the mental stability of their patients, so they devised an experiment. A doctor put 5 patients in one room.

While in the room, this doctor went to the wall and drew a door (with a door knob and a keyhole). He told the 5 patients in the room to figure out how to open the door.



1st patient waved at the doctors, and tried to open the painted door.

2nd patient kept shouting at the door "...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a doctor is sitting around after just having had sex with one of his patients and he’s feeling pretty guilty about it.

To make himself feel better he thinks “my other doctor friends have sex with their patients. Yeah, it’s not so bad.” He starts to feel a little better, but he thinks about it a little longer... and he thinks “but then again, my other doctor friends aren’t veterinarians..”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.

"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is ...

Doctor: "Don't worry Dave, it's just a small operation"

Patient: "but doc my name's not Dave!"

Doctor: "I know, it's my name"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An entry level nurse walks into a patient's room...

She smiles at him, and says shes just there to give him a sponge bath.

Through his oxygen mask , he asks; "Are my testicles black?"
The nurse is taken aback, and explains again shes just there to bathe him.

He asks again, more firm, "nurse, are my testicles black?!"

"I dont...

A doctor is talking to one of his patients

Doctor: "Who's your favorite rapper?"

Boy: "Eminem!"

Doctor: "Would you like to meet him someday?"

Boy: "Of course!"

Doctor: "Well he's busy right now but you'll meet tupac soon!"

Boy: "But he's dead..."

Doctor: "I know."

A doctor is performing a surgery on a patient.

Doctor : Relax David, it’s just a small surgery, don’t panic .

Man: But doctor , my name isn’t David.

Doctor : I know, I am David.

Dentist and the patient

Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.”
Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup

Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?”

The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.”

What do you call a group of coma patients who suddenly wake and start singing?

Vegetable medley.

A patient tells his doctor he dreams about playing soccer with donkeys every night

The **doctor** responds, "No need to worry, I've got just the right medicine for you".

Immediately the **patient** whimpers, "Well, can you prescribe me the medication tomorrow".

The **doctor** chuckles, "Why?".

The **patient** states, "*Tonight is our finals*".

A patient walked in to an office to find their doctor taking inappropriate photos...

"What are you doing, doctor?" The patient asked.



"It's alright, they're just medic pics."

A doctor tells his patient he has terminal cancer

“Oh, my God!” the guy says. “How long do I have left?”

“Seven,” says the doctor.

“Seven what, doc?” says the guy. “Months? Years?”

“Six, ” says the doctor.

A doctor while talking to his patient

Doctor: good news and bad news

Patient : good news first

Doctor: you will lose 50 lbs

Patient : what is bad news then?

Doctor: 50lbs worth of legs.

Patient : The composite you put in my teeth were too soft. I need something harder

Dentist : Im sorry I cant do that

Patient : What? Why not?

Dentist : I just cant. No hard fillings.

Patient: Whats the news doc?

Doc: Well there is good news and bad news.

Patient: Give em both doc.

Doc: Well good news is bad news wont last long...and bad news is good news wont last long either.

Patient: Why's that doc?

Doc: You're only gonna live for
3
2
1

One morning at a doctor's clinic a patient arrives complaining of serious back pain.

The doctor examines him and asks him:

"Tell me what happened to your back...?"



The patient replies: "Sir, I work for a local night club. This morning I went to my apartment early and heard some noise in my bed room.

On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and th...

It Was Happening In A Hospital That ICU Patients Died In Same Bed Every Sunday At 11 Am.

Dr. Thought, It Is Something Super Natural

Worldwide Xpert Team Was Formed To Investigate The Cause.

Next Sunday, Few Minute Before 11 Am, All Dr. & Nurses Stand Around That Bed & Start Waiting To See What It Was?

Then Suddenly A Part Time Sunday Sweeper Entered The ICU,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor confides to a coworker, “I just had sex with one of my patients. My wife is going to kill me.”

The coworker says “Don’t worry about it. I’ve had sex with my patients too. It’s not that big a deal.”

The doctor replies, “But you’re a pediatrician.”

I'm pretty excited I had my first chiropractic patient today!

He was complaining about neck pain, but he liked the following adjustment so much he's been asleep for the past 4 hours!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A depressed doctor

A doctor was heavily depressed, he heard 2 voices in his head constantly

the first voice was nice and tried to help him, it said things like "so what if you had sex with your patient", "it is not the end of the world for you", "lot of doctors have done that, it is not a big deal it happens co...

"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible"

"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."

My dentist has a TV on the ceiling so the patient can watch shows while he works

Netflix and Drill

A patient went to the Doctor and asked him to check his leg

"Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"


The doctor cautiously places his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Give me $10! I'm desperate! I need $10!"


"I've never seen or heard anything like this before! How long has this been going on?" the ...

What does a preacher have in common with an HIV patient?

They spread positivity.

Every year I organize a patient-relative charity event to benefit Alzheimer’s research.

I tell the patients to invite their whole family but nobody ever shows up.

“Have you been sleeping by an open window, like I told you?” asks a doctor his patient.

“Yes, just like you said, doc.”

“And is the bronchitis gone now?”

“Not yet, so far the only things gone are my laptop and cellphone.”

The doctor to the patient, you came just in time!

The patient curious: "Why, is it that bad?" The doctor relieved "No, tomorrow it would have been gone!"

Attractive nurses probably never get accurate pulse readings from their patients.

Neither do ugly ones.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out. 

When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic ac...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor felt extremely conflicted after sleeping with his patient. One side of his head told him, "Relax. You're not the first doc to sleep with his patient and you'll not be the last."

The other side said, "You bastard. You should be knowing that you're a veterinary doctor."

Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.

Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea. 
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,

wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and...

Why do doctors make us wait at the hospital?

Because we’re patient

A psychiatrist asks his patient,

“Are you afraid of change?”

The patient replies, “no!”

“Good, go get me a soda!”

The doctor tells his patient that he is going to die in 10

Patient: 10 what? 10days? 10months? 10years?

Doctor: 9

What’s the worst thing you can say to a hospital patient?

I slept with your wife.

Patient : Doc, what happens after we die ?

Simple! We clean the bed and admit a new patient.

A nurse wakes up her patient and says

"Wake up Mrs. Johnson. It's time to take your sleeping pills"

I set my Alzheimer's-patient grandmother's home page to r/jokes

She loves reading the fresh new jokes every day!

In the op room, what can you use in replacement of the anesthetic, if the patient's allergic to it ?

Earplugs.

A doctor calls his patient.

Doctor says, "Your check came back."
Patient says, "So did my arthritis!"

A doctor says to his patient: “I have bad news, and I have worse news”

A doctor says to his patient: “I have bad news, and I have worse news”

The patient says: “Give me the worse news first”

Doctor: “You have cancer.”

Patient: “Oh no, then what’s the bad news?”

Doctor: “You also have Alzheimer’s.”

Patient, relieved: “Well, at least I ...

What did the patient with the broken leg say to their doctor?

Hey doc, I have a crutch on you.

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.'
Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth.'
Lawyer: 'Ugh. this is kerosene.'
Chinese: 'Congrats, your s...

What do you call the patient zero for HIV

First aids

Patient: Doctor, I have accidentally swallowed the “DO NOT EAT” packet from my new shoes, will I die?!!

Doctor: Well, everyone’s going to die eventually.
Patient; Everyone?!.. Oh my god, what have I done?!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW - The Queen is touring a prestigious hospital...

They come to the special care wing and she is utterly disgusted when she sees a nurse giving a male patient a hand job.

"What is the meaning of this?!" she screams.

"Don't fret, your Majesty. This man has a rare condition that requires him to ejaculate once every hour or he will go int...

A patient walks into his Doctor’s office and asks “I’ve been having this really bad pain in my back and money is kinda tight at the moment. Can you recommend any natural healing agents? Perhaps even meditation?”

The doctor replies “sorry sir, I’m just not sha-man.”

As get older, I’ve developed an embarrassing habit of screaming loudly during a proctology exam.

It makes my patients extremely uncomfortable.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a patient with atrial fibrillation who has never had a heart procedure?

A cardiovirgin

Patient: Doc, I'm worried. This is my first surgery.

Doc: Me too!!

A doctor asks her patient...

"Does it hurt?"

"Yes, a lot," the patient replies.

"Now," says the doctor, "shall we vaccinate that kid or do you want another walloping?"

Patient: "Doctor, Doctor! I keep thinking my arms have become marquees!"

Doctor: "I think you might be too tense".

During his exam, a medical student had to perform a surgery on a patient.

One of them passed.

A patient walks into a doctor’s office. The doctor says “pick a star sign, any star sign” so the patient goes “Capricorn”...

The doctor goes “nahh you’ve got cancer”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had sex for 3 hours last night...

We roleplayed as doctor and patient, and I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are dung beetles so patient?

They're used to dealing with your shit

A new patient arrived at a mental hospital.

A doctor came to greet him.

"Good morning, sir. What's your name?", the doctor asked.

"I am John F. Kennedy", the patient replied.

"Oh, well I believe you'll fit in here quite well. We have a lot of former presidents at our hospital."

"I'm not a president. I'm an airport....

A gynecologist notices that a new patient is nervous.

While putting on the latex gloves, he asks her if she knows how they make latex gloves.

The patient says no.

The doctor says, "There is a plant in Mexico full of latex that people of various hand sizes dip their hands into and let them dry. She does not crack a smile, but later she...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with a stutter goes to the doctor

Patient: "D-d-doctor, I h-h-have a p-problem w-with m-m-ma wife..."

Doctor: "What's the issue? Is it the stutter? You know that I'm a plastic surgeon, right?"

Patient:"Y-yes a-a-I'm f-f-fully a-a-aware of that. e-e-It's n-n-not the sssss-tutter, e-it s'actually b-bout my penis... It's ...

If I'm a neurosurgeon for patients under the age of 16

Does that make me a Child Minder?

Three doctors are discussing which types of patients they prefer

Doctor Watson says, ''I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.'' Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ''I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.'' Doctor Ahn says, ''I prefer lawyers. They’re gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear-ends are interchangeabl...

Why shouldn’t you ask big favors of certain diagnosed patients?

They usually come with conditions

Patient: “Doc, it hurts when I touch here (taps forehead), here (taps nose), here (taps chin), pretty much everywhere.”

Doctor: “You have a broken finger.”

A new guy starts working at the local mental asylum.

After giving him some general indications, the director tells him to ask any question he may have.

-Yes, director, I have one. How do we know if a patient is cured and ready to leave the asylum?

-Well -says the director-, once per year, we gather some of them and ask them a question. I...

A doctor asks his patient “What is your pain on a scale 1-10”

The patient responds “pi”
Doctor “pi?”
Patient “ it’s low level but never ending”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

5 surgeons discussing who makes the best patients to operate on

The first surgeon, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, says, "No, I really think librarian...

What did the doctor say to the patient after administering coagulant?

The clot thickens.

The nurse at the admissions desk kept misrecording each patient's blood-types..

His inability to use a keyboard definitely resulted in a whole lot of Type-Os!

As a doctor, I am addicted to hitting my patients on their knees to test their reflexes.

I really get a kick out of it.

If you are a homeopathy practitioner and someone make an emergency call, how would you save the patient's life?

By not giving him/her any medicine.

A Doctor delivers terrible news to his patient...

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"

Doctor: "Nine! Eight! Seven! Six....."

Man circumcised by mistake when surgeons confused him for another patient’

Guess this is what they mean by undesirable cutbacks in the NHS.

A doctor on the phone to one of his patients and says the following...

... "I have some very bad news for you and some even worse. The lab called with your test results and said you have 24 hours to live."

And the patient replies, "Just 24 hours! That's terrible! What is the even worse news then?"

The doctor tells him, "I've been trying to reach you since...

Patient: my crossword is making me depressed

Doctor: try not to get two down

Today I learned where plastic surgeons get new noses for their patients...

At the olfactory.

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. The doctor walks in: "Sir, I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." Patient: "l don't understand, doc. Why?"

Doctor: "Because I'm trying to examine
you."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is being released from a US hospital.

As he is being escorted out by a nurse, he passes by a patient’s room with the door open and sees that the male patient is masturbating furiously. Confused, he turns to the nurse and asks, “what the hell is going on here?!” The nurse replies, “you see, this man has a serious condition where if he d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman patient in a hospital had been in a coma for a number of years. Each day a nurse gave her a bed bath. One day while washing her private parts she notices that the monitor shows an increase in heart rate.

The nurse tells a Doctor, He considers the results and calls her husband. When he arrives the Doctor suggests that oral sex may help. The husband agrees and they pull the curtain around the bed for privacy.

30 minutes later the monitor shows her heart and breathing has stopped, then she flat...

My girlfriend and I were doing some doctor/patient ropelay. "Oh ny god," she purred, "are you going to inject ne, doc?"

I said, "Yes, honey. But don't worry, you won't feel a thing."

Doctor to assistant: I said to give the patient something for his cough! Why did you give him a laxative?!

Assistant: Well he's not coughing anymore, is he?
Doctor: ..I guess he wouldn't dare..

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.