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Patient Jokes

how many alziemers patients does it take to change a light bulb?

to get to the other side

What’s the worst profession to sleep with your patient?

Animal taxidermist

A doctor walked in to see a patient. “I’ve got good news and bad news.”

The patient say, “What’s the good news?”

Doctor, “They’re going to name a disease after you.”

Patient...Dr can you please help me I keep waking up thinking I'm Tom Jones. Is this normal ???

Dr ... It's not unusual

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A horse is sitting in his stable one day when he hears music coming from the farmhouse. He waits patiently for the farmer to go out before making his way across to the farmhouse to see what's going on. As he peers through the window he can see MTV is on the television.

Horse goes into the house and sees a rock band on the screen. He is instantly taken by the guitar and decides there and then he wants to play. He uses the telephone and calls the local music shop. He explains that he has seen the band on TV, that he is a horse and that he wants to play guitar, The m...

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A therapist gets a call from their patient saying they are going to kill themself…

Therapist: Why do you want to kill yourself?

Patient: Because you don’t take me seriously, and you’re always needlessly pedantic!

Therapist: How would you do it?

Patient: I’m going to jump.

Therapist: Now?

Patient: Yes now! I’m looking at a hundred foot drop…...

It’s really sad how my friend lost his medical license for sleeping with a patient.

He was a great vet

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Therapist tells his patient to write individual letters to everyone who wronged him and then burn them to gain some peace

Patient comes back the next week and says he's done what the therapist recommended. Then asks what he should do with the letters

A patient in a psychiatric hospital is being examined by a shrink. The shrink hands him a piece of paper and asks him, "Look at this inkblot and tell me what do you see."

"Well," the patient says, "I'm not 100% sure, but it looks like Rorschach Series IV, blot #17."

As a doctor I often get asked why I use that rubber hammer to tap patient's knees.

I dunno. I just get a kick out of it.

I'm a great surgeon, I've never lost a patient

I know exactly where they all were when they died

A lawyer was interviewing a doctor about the death of a patient

"When you examined the patient, did you check his pulse?" asked the lawyer.

"I didn't" said the doctor.

"And did you listen for a heartbeat?" said the lawyer.

"No, I did not" the doctor said.

"So in other words" the lawyer said "When you signed the death certificate you h...

What did the doctor tell his patient with kidney stones?

Urine trouble

Patient: Every time I have a cup of coffee, I get a stabbing pain in my right eye. What shall I do?

Doctor: Just take the spoon out of your cup.

As the patient recovers from laser eye surgery, the surgeon comes in asks if they want the good news or the bad news first......

The patient excitedly replies, “I’ll take the good news first.”

The surgeon tells them, “Well, you’re about to get a new dog!”

A gynecologist waits on his last patient, who does not arrive...

After an hour, he makes a gin and tonic to relax. After he settles into an armchair to read the newspaper, he hears the doorbell ring.

It’s the patient, who arrives all embarrassed and apologizes for the delay.

“It doesn't matter,” answers the doctor.

“Look, I was having a gin ...

What’s the best vitamin for cancer patients?

B9

Why do some covid patients need to take a shower?

Because they are starting to smell again

Three surgeons were discussing their patients.

The first surgeon says, 'I like operating on electricians, you open them up and everything is colour coded and tagged and easy to trace'

The second surgeon says 'I enjoy opening librarians. Everything is catalogued and in order, so really easy to find things'

The third surgeon says 'I ...

Why did the Doctor tell a patient "Laughter is the best medicine"?

"Doc, I don't get it. What are you trying to tell me? I need actual medicine-"

"-This is how much the bill would be if I actually treated you."

The patient stared at the paper, then quietly chuckled, followed by hysterical sobs.

My husband and I role-played in bed last night for 3 hours. He was the doctor, and I was the patient.

I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.

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Why was the doctor angry at their patient while trying to get a stool sample?

Because he didn't give a shit.

A doctor is checking on his patient after she’s spent the night in the hospital and asks how her breakfast was.

“Well, doctor,” the old woman says, “the eggs were fine. The toast was fine. But the nurse left a tube of that Kentucky Jelly in here and it might be the worst thing I’ve ever tasted!”

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A Chinese doctor has a Jewish patient.

"Listen," says the patient, "I didn't think we were going to get along so good together."

"What do you mean?"

"What do I mean! Pearl Harbor, that's what I mean!"

"What are you talking about, Pearl Harbor? I'm Chinese!"

"Yeah, well...Chinese, Japanese, it's all the same th...

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A patient visits his doctor

While checking the patients throat the Doctor says “So…had some oral sex this morning did we?”.

“Why yes” replied the patient. “How did you know? Is it because I’ve got real funky breath?”

“No”. Said the doctor.

“Oh. Do I have a pubic hair caught in my teeth?” asked the patient....

A doctor is calling in patients from the waiting room

-due to new privacy regulations we aren't allowed to call in patients by their name, so could the lady with hemorrhoids please follow me?

A psychiatrist is testing his patients

He asks the first one "what is 4+2?" The patient replies "potato" The doctor is disappointed and moves on to the next one. He asks the second one "what is 4+2?" the patient replies "5000" The doctor is disappointed and moves on to the next one. He asks the third one "what is 4+2?" the patient replie...

A doctor was examining his newest patient

As testing went on, the doctor said "I'm not quite certain what's wrong with you yet, but I think it may be the result of heavy drinking."

So the patient said "That's OK, Doc- I'll just come back when you're sober!"

Who do the doctors send to deliver unfortunate news to the patients family?

The ultrasound guy

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Patient went to the doctor

Patient: Doctor, the entrance to my butthole really hurts and I don’t know why

Doctor: Well, it’s because you’re calling it an entrance

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The patient goes to see a doctor: “I am pooping like noodles!”

“Like literally, my poop is shaped like noodles,” the patient says as he sits down in the consulting room.

Doc is dumbfounded. In all his years of training and practice, he hasn’t encountered a symptom like this. He thinks hard and prescribes some antibiotics, hoping they will solve the probl...

How are you doing? the doctor asked, as his pregnant patient gasped, sweated, and panted in pain...

She could not even get a sentence out, so great was her discomfort:

"I don't!..... [gasp]... can't!......[grunt] ... don't!..... [cry]..."

"Hmmmm. Sounds like your contractions are a few seconds apart."

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A hospital volunteer runs to the charge nurse's desk and exclaims: "Oh my god, two of the terminally ill cancer patients are trying to have sex! What should we do!"

The charge nurse, flabbergasted, replies: "is this some kind of sick fucking joke!?"

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A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. As he rested afterwards, he felt a bit guilty...

He thought it wasn't ethical to screw one of his patients. However, a little voice in his head said, "Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients, so it's not like you're the first..."

This made the doctor feel much better until another voice in his head said, "..... but they probably ...

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Three psychiatrists are having a drink after work, talking about their newest patients.

The first one says, “My most recent patient works as a telemarketer. She has a lot of hang ups.”

The second one added, “I have a new patient who works at the sewage treatment plant. He’s into a lot of crazy shit.”

The third one is silent, but after some prodding says “We’ll, I can’t ...

Patient goes to a dentist for routine checkup...

Dentist: When was the last time you flossed?

Patient: You don't remember? You were right there!

A Psychiatrist Had No Patients In His Office…..

Suddenly, the door opened slowly and a man crept into the room on four legs.
His mouth was full with pieces of colored plastic.
He was holding strange objects in his hands.
He was dragging cables along behind himself.
The doctor was glad because of the visit and exclaimed,
“And what d...

A Doctor tells his patient I have bad news and worse news.

Oh dear! What’s the bad news? Asked the patient. The doctor replied, you only have 24 hours to live. That’s terrible! Said the patient, but how could the other news possibly be worse? The doctor replied, well I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday!

I got this from my 12yo cancer patient as I was rounding today...

How do you put an elephant in a Safeway bag?

You take the f out of safe and the f out of way.

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There is nothing worse than a doctors receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of patients



I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dic...

A doctor comes to check up on a hospice patient who's taken a turn for the worse.

They do some tests and look at some charts, then unlock the wheels on the bed and roll it into the hallway. "We're transferring you to the East Wing."

"What's the East Wing?" asks the patient.

"The morgue." replies the doctor. The patient exclaims, "The morgue?! .. but I'm not dead yet...

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Doctor, I came to pick up my wife’s results…

- Well… I had a little problem with the results. I accidentally scrambled them with another patient, we don’t know if she has aids or alzheimers.

+ What should I do now?

- Leave her in the middle of the forest, if she comes back, don’t fuck her.

Cop joke.

So I’m an ER RN and we love to joke around. Had two cops in with a patient. I deadpanned “ I heard there’s been ppl stealing tires off (local) cop cars…. The one cop says “I haven’t heard anything about this “.
So… I said “I’ve heard the police are tirelessly investigating it.”
First cop high...

I remember staring down at the dead patient, and realising that I had failed my job as a doctor.

I was so scarred by that day that I've never examined a man's prostate since.

I heard patients were not sleeping well at the hospital

So I unplugged all the loud annoying beeping things in their rooms. They sleep much better now

A Doctor claims to treat patients with 100% Results otherwise he will give 100$

A man walks inside the clinic and says **"Doctor, I have lost my taste buds. I can't feel the taste of anything."** The Doctor replies **"Don't worry. I will give you a syrup and you wil regain your taste buds. Nurse, pls give him the blue bottle."** The man drinks the content of the blue bottle and...

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Why did the psychotherapist ask his suicidal patient to change his name to „Jeffrey Epstein“?

To make sure he doesn‘t kill himself.

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Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything ins...

I went to a new family doctor today

I went to a new family doctor today. The waiting room was spacious, new renovation, nice and beautiful nurses. And it got a sign:

"We respect our patients' privacy, we will not call you by name".

Quite good eh, I thought.

Completed the registration, I sat down in the wai...

John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there.

David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out.

The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK. The doctor said, "David, we have good...

A new doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital

As they enter one ward, the nearest patient turns to him and says "Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, great chieftain o' the pudden race!"

Before the doctor can react, the patient in the next bed adds "Wee sleekit cowerin' timorous beastie! O what a panic's in thy breastie!"

And not to ...

Patient: What's my life expectancy?

Doctor: 120

Patient: 120 what? Days? Weeks? Months?

Doctor: 119

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I got fired for having sex with a patient.

I asked "Well, what was I to do? She was just lying there!"

My boss replied, "THE AUTOPSY. THE FUCKING AUTOPSY!"

On my way out they called me the worst vet they've ever known.

A Doctor and a Patient are both in a Mental Hospital

Sitting in the Doctors Office, the Doctor struck up a conversation with the Patient:

Doctor: I read here in your file that you recently saved another patient from drowning, is this correct?

Patient: Yes, he shouldn’t have been swimming in the deep end I told him not to

Doctor: W...

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“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”

“OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But, Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid, too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”

“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
...

Patient: Am I a bad person because I occasionally like to vape?

Psychiatrist: Not at all. It's really not a big deal.

Patient: Thanks! That's such a velief

Muhammad Ali, Mike Tyson, and Floyd Mayweather are waiting patiently for a glass of sangria.

If that's not a good punchline, I don't know what is.

Dad sees a patient..

Dad and I operate a practice together.

He once had a patient that came in with a flea behind his ear. Week after week, said patient keeps returning to get this flea looked at.

One day, dad goes on vacation, and leaves me in charge of the practice.

The patient comes in, and in h...

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Dr. Mike had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Mike, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of your patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just le...

A neurologist was diagnosing a patient who lost his ability to do basic math

"What’s 9 plus 9?”
“12”.
“What’s 8 and 8?”
“10”.
The doctor shook his head. “Very interesting. What about 6 times 5?”
The man thought for a second, and answered “1E”.
“Aha, I’ve figured it out!” The doctor said. “Somebody’s clearly put a hex on you.”

A doctor is sitting in his office and is waiting for his next patient

A man enters the room. He tells the doctor that he has a back injury from yesterdays activities. The doctor asks him what he did that cause his back injury.

"Well Doctor, I came home early yesterday after work and found a pair of mens shoes that do not belong to me. I rushed upstairs and foun...

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A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he migh...

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What do they announce overhead when a patient poops in the bed in the hospital?

I Heard they call a Code Amber.

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3 surgeons were arguing on the golf course about who makes the best patients.

The first one said he loved librarians to operate on. When you open them up, every part is in alphabitical order. The second doc said no, electricians are the best! Everything inside is color coded. The third doc said he had spent most of his career working in D C. That the absolute best surgical p...

Receptionist: “Sir. wait here, the doctor will bring you the news very soon.” Doctor arrives: “Hello sir, how old are you?” Patient all smiles : “I’m turning 70 next month!!”

Doctor: “I don’t think so”

A guy walks into a bar, and takes a seat, noticing that he's the only customer.

The only person around is a bartender, who is on his phone, and who waves to indicate he'll be with him as soon as he can.

The guy nods and waits patiently, but suddenly he hears a small voice say: "Nice shirt!" He looks around, but can't see anyone other than the bartender, who is still on ...

a patient walks in to see meet his neurosurgeon

The patient says "so you're the brains of the operation?" The neurosurgeon replies "no, you are."

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Bragging About Sex

Three guys were sitting at the bar begin to brag about their sex life….

First guy said "You all have nothing on me. I come to the bar and bring home a different woman every night. Not only that but I drive a sports car into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1...

My friend had an affair with a patient. Worked so hard to achieve his degree and one mistake means he lost everything.

A great loss to the veterinary profession.

Patient to Doctor: Please help me! My pee is red!

Doctor: Urine danger!

A patient with a serious illness was visiting his old doctor

Before showing the exam results, the doctor needs more informations about his patient, and asks:


-So, what's your job?


-I'm a seer.


-Hmm nice.


Then the doctor puts it on the paper, very slowly.


-Can you do it faster, please? I don't have all day...

The nurse asked the patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown, to be checked by a doctor.

The nurse asked the patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown, to be checked by a doctor.

“In front of you”?”, he asks, shyly.

The nurse says, “Well no, but I've seen the naked human body before.”

The patient said, “Not one like mine. You would die laughing at my naked bo...

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NSFW A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma..

A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma when she notices that the patients heart rate and breathing increase whenever she cleans the genital area. She gets the idea that oral sex might actually revive her. She calls the patient's husband over and explains that oral sex might revive her,...

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A nurse at the ICU noticed a patient trying to say something through his oxygen mask.

Nurse: Sorry, what was that again?

Patient: Are my testicles black?

Nurse : Excuse me?

Patient : Are my testicles black?

The nurse was quite young and beautiful,and was used to getting hit on by patients. But seeing the state the poor man was in, she decided to check ...

Patient and Dentist..

Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled? Dentist: $100.00. Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work? Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like.

A doctor says, "I have bad news, and very bad news." "What's the bad news?" Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news?"

I should have told you yesterday.

Patient: Doc, every time I open my eyes, I have this weird urge to throw up!

Doctor: Wow. This is the worst case of see sickness I have ever encountered.

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During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level

He described a typical day this way: 'Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksa...

A Russian coma patient wakes up after 6 months ...

... and asks for the news.

"Well, we're fighting in Ukraine - defending our motherland from NATO, and deciding the future of the world"

"How is it going?"

"Well, we lost over 15.000 soldiers, hundreds of tanks, hundreds of aircraft, it's a grinder"

"And NATO?"

"NAT...

How to help your local politician qualify for a mental asylum

A politician is visiting the local mental asylum, and asks "How do you decide whether someone should be admitted here?"

"Well," says the director, "We fill up a bath with water, then give the patient a teaspoon, a mug, and a bucket, and ask them to empty the bath as quickly as possible."
<...

Desperately, the doctor attempted to extract even a drop of his life-saving vaccine from his first patient's arm...

...But alas, it was all in vein.

What do good doctors and bad doctors have in common?

Their patients don't come back.

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The Hospital

A sweet old lady telephoned the hospital.

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Doreen Jacobs, Room 604."

The ope...

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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

...

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Intestinal worm-- long. Very long.

Man has horrible abdominal pain and weight loss. The wife finally convinces him to see a doctor.
He's diagnosed with an intestinal worm and is given treatments but it doesn't work. He sees several more doctors who all diagnose the same thing, an intestinal worm, but none of the treatments are w...

Scientists got together and decided that humanity had come a long way and no longer needed God.

So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, “God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We’re to the point where we can clone people, manipulate atoms, build molecules, fly through space, and do many other miraculous th...

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A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled The dentist pulls out the novocaine freezing needle to inject the man. “No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

“I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!”

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.

“No,” the patient says, “I am fine with pills.”...

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I held an elevator door for an elderly patient...

I don't know if this belongs in jokes but I had to post it somewhere.

I am in the main hospital. I am going up to the 3rd floor and I call the elevator. I see an elderly patient coming and hold the door for him.

Patient: "Thank you"
Me: "Absolutely, where are we going?" wondering wh...

Hey, does anybody remember that famous multi-personality patient who was the subject of the book Sybil that came out in the '70s? well, I went to high school with her!

A lot of the other kids kind of avoided her, but I thought she was good people.

A man is in an emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains and bowel trouble. The physician says that the patient will need a rectal exam.

The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove.

As he lubes up his glove, he says, "Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Peter"

The patient says, "My name isn't Peter"

The doctor says, "Mine is"

In a small town, a doctor is about to retire and a young colleague comes to replace him.

They visit all the patients together, and the old doctor introduces the young one everywhere.

"Doctor, I've been having a constant stomach ache lately." cries one of the patients.

The old doctor answers,

"Didn't you eat too much fruit? I think you should eat less, that'll make ...

Farting Issues

Patient: Doctor, every time I pass gas, the room fills up with smoke and stinks of petrol. What's wrong with me?

Doctor: Get some rest. You're just exhausted.

A person goes to doctor. He has pain in every part of his body

Doctor: when you touch your leg, does it hurt?

Patient: yes

Doctor: when you touch your arm, does it hurt?

Patient: yes

Doctor: when you touch your head, does it hurt?

Patient: yes

Doctor: i think your finger is broken!

My girlfriend and I were doing some doctor/patient roleplay.

"Oh my goodness," she purred, "are you going to inject me, doc?"

I said, "Yes, honey. But don't worry, you won't feel a thing."

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an elephant is walking through the jungle when he realizes he's stuck in quicksand and sinking

He reaches out with his trunk and grabs a branch. He attempts to haul himself in but the branch brakes and he begins sinking even quicker. The elephant begins yelling for help and a Mouse runs up
"What's wrong Mr elephant?" said the mouse
" I am stuck in quicksand and sinking to my Doom.pleas...

Doctor: I am afraid you are suffering from Tom Jones syndrome.

Patient: Is it common?

Doctor: It's not unusual.

My first patient of the day walked in and began describing her symptoms in graphic detail.

They don't prepare you for this in veterinary school.

Hospital patient lying in bed: "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

Doctor: "Yes, I'm sorry. We had to amputate your arms."



[A brief sketch from an ancient episode of 'Not The Nine O'Clock News']

A patient is in hospital and the doctor tells him 'we've had your test results back and I've bad news and very bad news' the patient replies 'Oh no, best tell me please?'

'The bad news is you have about 24 hours to live' says the Doctor 'The very bad news is I was supposed to tell you yesterday'

A man collapses on the street and wakes up to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun holding a clipboard came into his room and said she was from the billing department and asked how he was going to pay the bill.

The man said, "I don't have health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He shook his head and replied, "I don't....

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.

Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: "Well? Are you still coughing?" The patient replies: "No, I am afraid to."

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One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel. "Hello, I want a single room for the night please." "Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key

The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed. At about 2 0'clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide under the covers. When he realizes what is going on, he starts screwing both of them. He can't believe what's happening. Next morning, still surprised by la...

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I was walking past a mental hospital when I heard the patients on the other side of the fence chant “13…13…13!”

Curious, I looked through the fence to see what was going on.

Suddenly, I got stabbed in the eye by a dick through a crack in the fence.

The mental patients started chanting “14…14…14!”

Psychiatrist asks two patients to act they're in a grocery store

he told them that if they do it well, he'll sign them off the hospital.

so the first asks for one gallon of potatoes

the second one bursts into laughter

the doctor was happy his patient is cured, but asks him for confirmation : "why are you laughing ?" ...

Patient..

Patient: ‘Doctor, I think I need glasses.’ Teller: ‘You certainly do! This is a bank.’

Advice

A doctor was walking down the street one day when he noticed coming towards him one of his 85 year old patients with a very beautiful, well-built young lady on his arm.

He was looking the happiest he had ever seen him.

When the old guy noticed the doctor he went up to him and said, "...

A man claiming he is Jesus is brought into a mental hospital...

He is asked, "Why do you think you are Jesus?"
He replies, "God told me so!"
Immediately, the patient behind him stands up and shouts, "No I didn't!"

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The president was touring a local hospital one day.

And as he’s going room to room, he sees a man furiously masterbating. He shockingly asks the doctor touting with him why this patient is doing this with the door wide open.

The doctor replies that the man has a disease where his testicles refill so fast that if he doesn’t ejaculate every hou...

A man walks by a homeless guy holding a sign that says "hungry and homeless, I was a vet! "

The homeless guy tells the man that he had lost his job due to the government screwing him for something he did during his service, so the man gives him some change and thanks him for his service.

As the man walks away the homeless guy yells "WHAT'S SO BAD ABOUT DOCTOR-PATIENT RELATIONSHIPS ...

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A doctor was arrested subsequent to having sex with a patient

His veterinary practice was promptly shut down

A patient goes to his doctor

A patient goes to his doctor and says,

Patient: Doctor the first medicine you've written in the prescription is not available anywhere. I've been to almost all the parmacies.

Doctor: Oh! That's not a medicine. I was just scribbling to check if the pen was working or not.

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A man goes to the doctor because he can't keep his food down…

"I don't know why, Doc, but every time I eat something it just comes back up a little while later!"

The doctor examines him, and then says "I think you may be a good candidate for this experimental treatment I'm developing, if you're willing."

"At this point, I'm willing to try anythin...

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The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.

Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling."

Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting."

Her ...

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Patient: "Doctor doctor, i've forgotten how to ejaculate"

Doctor: How come?

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You guys hear the one about the orderly sleeping with mental patients?

He was fucking nuts.

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A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc," the patient says. "Why?"

"Because," the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you."

My friend graduated from medical school after 7 years.

He then got a job at his local clinic, but shortly got fired after that for sleeping with his patients!

He was one of the most promising veterinarians in our class

The doctor had finished his examination of the patient and was ready to give his professional advice. "Quit smoking and drinking, go to bed early every night and get up at the crack of dawn" he said. "That's the best thing for you"

"Frankly Doc" the patient answered, "I don't deserve the best. What's second best?"


Citation: "Our Town" in White Plains, N.Y., Reporter dispatch (Reader' Digest Treasury of Wit and Humour 1958)

Scene (and heard) in the doctor's office.

Patient: "Doctor! Doctor! You have to help me! I keep dreaming that I'm a deck of cards!"

Doctor: "I'll deal with you later."

A paranoid patient goes to the doctor,

"Doctor please help me, I feel like I've only got 59 seconds to live!"Doctor - "Yes please wait, I'll be with you in a minute."

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I asked my chemo patient how she was doing as we started our visit. “Oh, I’m so excited for Saturday! I’m going with a bunch of friends to go see Justin Bieber in concert… front row!” Flabbergasted, I replied, “What?! Why would you do that? COVID is at all-time highs…

…and probably 1 in 5 people around you in that place will be transmitting with every breath they take. And all that screaming and singing!”

Cheerfully, she replied, “oh that should be no problem, right? After all, you said I have a weekend immune system!”

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The doctor gave an old patient a canister and said to bring in a semen sample tomorrow.

The next day the patient returned, but the canister was empty.

He said, "I tried with my right hand, but it didn't work."

"I tried with my left hand, but it didn't work."

"I called in my wife and she tried with her right hand, but it still didn't work. Then she tried with her le...

The doctor says to the patient

"You are fat."

"I'm gonna need a second opinion", replies the patient.

"You are also ugly."

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First day working at the nuthouse.

A guy starts his first day at his new job in the local mental institution. The boss tells him his first day all he has to do is check on 4 patients, and write down how they are doing. He walks to the first patient's room and opens the door. The patient is pretending to play football. He then asks th...

A patient goes to the doctor and says: „I feel kind of blue.“

He has mild davis.

A gynecologist notices that a new patient is nervous.

While putting on the latex gloves, he asks her if she knows how they make latex gloves. The patient says no. The doctor says, "There is a plant in Mexico full of latex that people of various hand sizes dip their hands into and let them dry. She does not crack a smile, but later she laughs. The docto...

I took my family to a fancy dress party, I asked my wife to be a panda, my kid to be a koala and I went as a grizzly. My wife didn't get the joke, so I said I will tell you when we get to the party... At the party I still refused to tell her and told her to be patient, so when we left...

...I simply turned to her and said, thanks for bearing with me!

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A patient had a terrible stuttering problem

and the doctor realized it was due to the man’s 15 inch penis pulling on his vocal cords.

The doctor talks the man into removing 5 inches of the penis and freezing it in case the man ever decided to have it re-attached. The surgery is a success and the man can speak stutter-free for the firs...

The new job

A Miami man seeking employment is passing in front of a job recruiting office when is stops to read some of the jobs being offered.


Suddenly he notices an intriguing offer.

“WANTED: GYNECOLOGIST’S ASSISTANT”

NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES,

HELP TH...

What did the German celiac patient say when he walked into the doctors office?

Gluten tag!

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My Patient just told me this joke and i can't stop laughing

George was turning 90 this week and his friends thought of doing something special for him. So they planned to contact a high class Escort service and send him a nice surprise.



On his birthday, around 9 pm, when he was alone at home, the doorbell rang. George thought - who could it b...

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