UPJOKE
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Centre Jokes

60,000 blondes meet in a centre for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.

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The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says,...

A man walks into an LGBTQ centre.

He walks up to the front desk and introduces himself. "Hello, I identify as a chocolate bar. Can I join?"

The receptionist replies "Sir, that's disgraceful! You're mocking the community. We're going to have to ask you to leave."

"You can't call me sir!" The man exclaims. "I use her/she...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old man at health centre

An old man walks up to the Reception of a health centre, where the receptionist asks how she can help him.

“I’ve got a problem with my cock” he replies loudly.

Taken aback and noticing other patients looking shocked, the receptionist suggests he be a little more polite and that he shou...

A rabbit, an imam, and a priest walk into a blood test centre.

A nurse approaches the rabbit and asks, “Do you know what blood type you are?” The rabbit responds with: “I think I might be a Type-O.”

I think I saw Michael J Fox in a garden centre earlier today

At least I think it was him, he had his back to the fuchsias

What's at the centre of No Man's Sky universe?

A refund.

credit to /u/xROSSTHEHOSSx (saw it on another post as comment, thought it deserved own post)

My son is three years old and I took him shopping.

When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket. Now, I didn't buy it and he certainly didn't buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping centre and went to the jewellers.

Canada's immigration centre has a new slogan

You'll be sorry

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

I brought my grandmother to a fish spa centre...

I brought my grandmother to one of those fish spa centres where the little fish eat your dead skin, only cost $45. Was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery!

I was passing the community-centre and I overheard these board-game enthusiasts who were standing in the entrance, bragging to one another about their various accomplishments.

I do love the sound of chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer...

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I went to the garden centre today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, "Will you be putting that up yourself?"

I replied, "No, you sick fuck. I'll be putting it up in my living room."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did Trump hold his press conference at the 4-seasons garden centre, between a sex shop and a crematorium?

Because he was between a cock and a charred place.

A well-known American actor is walking through the centre of Newcastle upon Tyne.

Suddenly, a member of the public stops him, and says, "I recognise you from somewhere, are you famous?"

The actor answered, "As a matter of fact, I am. I played Commodus in the movie 'Gladiator.'"

Astonished, the Geordie replied "Are you Joaquin?"

To which Joaquin said "Yes, but...

I just found this new recycling centre and it’s AMAZING!

It’s called r/jokes.

I am irrationally scared of places like shopping centres, particularly if they are confusing and difficult to navigate.

I have a complex complex complex.

A dog goes to the Job Centre

A dog goes to the job centre and asked for assistance in finding employment.

The employee at the Job Centre says "Bloody hell! A talking dog! You should get a job at the circus!"

The dog replies "Why's that? Are they after a plumber?"

I own a chain of garden centres across the US

I got hoes, in different area codes.

A little boy was at the centre of a custody battle.

The judge says to him, do you want to stay with your Father? Boy replies no he beats me, so the judge asks do you want to stay with your Mother? again the boy says, no she beats me as well. So the judge asks, so who do you want to stay with then?

Boy replies: Manchester United, they don't bea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At an ISIS recruitment centre...

Interviewer: Name?

Recruit: Saaed Bin Hasrat.

Interviewer: Sex?

Recruit: Often twice a day.

Interviewer: No, no. Male or female?

Recruit: Male, female, sometimes camel, mostly sheep.

What's the difference between an ISIS training centre and a preschool?

I don't know, I'm just the drone pilot.

What language is spoken at the centre of the earth?

Core-ean

It's time I gave up on this call centre job.

To be honest I'm just phoning it in these days.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw some prostitutes hanging around my local garden centre

I guess it is a bit of a seedy establishment

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A scouser walked into the job centre.

A scouser walked into the local job centre to pick up his dole cheque
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know; I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening...

Sick and tired of the double standards

When Venus poses naked on a giant scallop shell she is "beautiful" and "a goddess".

But when I do it I am "drunk" and "banned from the Sea Life Centre".

Dalai Lama walks in to a Garden Centre and calmly wanders* around.

After some time an employee notices him placing something in to a small container of soil. Confused as to what he's just seen he approaches The Dalai Lama and asks him "Can I help you with anything, what exactly are you looking for?". The Dalai Lama replies enthusiastically "Peace on earth!". "Ah, I...

r/Jokes is like a shopping centre

If you've seen one, you've seen the mall

Investing in an assisted suicide centre has its pros and cons

The service is non-refundable but there are no repeat customers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s gynaecology and call centre work have in common?

You spend most of your working day dealing with horrible cunts!

I went to a faith healing session at the local community centre last night but it was absolute rubbish.

Even the fella in the wheelchair got up and walked out.

Drunk people are so self centred...

... they think the world revolves around them

I called my local recycling centre about what to do with old batteries.

They said they'd take them free of charge.

My life used to centre on math, additions and subtractions until I found a quote that expanded my worldview

"The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 20 years of his life."

Working at the JobCentre has to be a tense job

Knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day

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It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' centre

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' centre. After the community sing song led by Alice at the piano it was time for the Star of the Show: Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at...

A bloke goes into the job centre in Newcastle and sees a card advertising for a gynaecologist’s assistant; intrigued, he goes in to find out more…

‘Can you give me some more details about this?’ he says to the guy behind the desk.

The job centre guy sorts through his files and replies, ‘Ah yes, I've had quite a few enquiries about this one; the job involves you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist – you have to help them out of ...

Potato's in glasses are never the centre of attention.

They're just spec taters

Lynn's nurse at the vaccination centre recently qualified for a sport in the Tokyo Olympics. What sport is it?

Javelin

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A timber recycling centre placed a job ad seeking an experienced timber sorter.

And one morning in walks a guy wearing dark glasses and using a white cane.

"I've come about the timber sorting position", he tells the lady at reception.

She gets her husband, the boss, who takes one look at the guy and says, "No offence pal, but how do you intend to sort timber if y...

I used to go into shopping centres and rotate the body parts of the mannequins...

I don't think everyone noticed, but I certainly turned a few heads.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was standin next to this bloke in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a mobile phone rings.

He was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I thought straightaway wot a smug bastard!

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the Metro Centre now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It' s only £1,000. Is it OK ...

There was a sign outside the drug rehab centre.

'Keep off the grass'

An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired...

An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired in Bradford



It seems that a caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet my maker."



To which the call centre employee replied, ...

"That is him." I said to my wife in the shopping centre.

"That's Kenny Baker, the actor who played R2D2 in Star Wars."

"Are you sure?" she asked. "It doesn't look like him, go on over and ask."

A couple of minutes later I walked back over to her. "Well, what did he say?"

"Nothing." I said. "It's a rubbish bin."

A man and a woman were waiting at a hospital donation centre.

The man asks the woman, "What are you here to donate?"

The woman replies, "I'm here to give my blood. The hospital is going to pay me $5 for it."

"Good on you! I'm here to donate sperm," says the man, "The hospital is going to pay me $25 for it."

The woman woman looked thoughtf...

My local garden centre is doing buy one, get one free on manure.

Now that's an offer not to be sniffed at.

A chinese man walks into a job centre

A chinese man walks into a job centre, the person asks him "can you work in a shop?" the chinese man says "no no, can't work in shop" the person says "can you work in a restaurant?" the chinese man says "no no, can't work in restaurant" The person says "are you any good at supplies then"

The...

All the adults judged me because I jumped into the ball pit at the children's activity centre...

It's like they'd never seen a naked man before

My Local Youth Centre Wanted a Donation Towards Their Pool

i gave them a bucket of water

I've just walked past our local community centre and I could clearly hear these board-game enthusiasts...

...all stood in the porchway bragging endlessly about their various tournament accomplishments.

You might think that sounds like it would have been pretty annoying for me, but infact...





I rather like the sound of chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.

Found this in my timeline...

I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood. So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch.
I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIL in its centre.
Now,the Yorkshire police, th...

If I had a pound for every time I went to the job centre...

I'd be able to afford another pack of cigarettes.

I phoned up my local yoga centre to book a lesson. They said, “how flexible are you?”

I said, “I can’t make Thursdays.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a bunch of chocolate balls making fun of a shopping centre.

I've never liked mall teasers.

What do you call an Asian woman who lives next to a data centre?

Ping Lo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a group of virgins waiting in line at the job centre?

An untapped resource

An old lady asks God for help.

In the highlands of Scotland lives an elderly lady in a house outside a small village. A harsh winter is coming and the lady is very worried she can’t pay the gas bill that winter. With no family left, she turns to God and she decides to write him a letter.

“Dear God,
In your endless merc...

Among all the machines out there, the pulley is the most egotistical.

It’s always the centre of a tension.

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I came across a really old man crying his eyes out in a shopping centre.

I came across a really old man crying his eyes out in a shopping centre. "What Evers the matter?" I asked him.

The old man wiped his eyes and gave out a whispering sniffle "you know son I'm the luckiest man alive. I'm 91 years old, I've traveled around the world, I'm a multi millionaire and ...

A lady just came up to me in the shopping centre and asked me to take apart in a survey....

Q1 - What grooming products do you use...... I don't think .. Facebook, Haribo and Puppies were the answers she was after..

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A demon is checking a new arrival into Hell.

"Says here," he says, "you didn't really do anything wrong and they were willing to let you into the Other Place."

"Yes," said the dead soul. "But I said I'd rather be in Hell with my best friend than in Heaven with God!"

"Huh," says the demon. "Okay, we don't normally do requests, but...

A salesman drove into a small town...

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing.

A sign read:

"Don't Miss The Amazing Italian".

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The Big Top, in the centre ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Ita...

Court Ruling from the UK

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulati...

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the...

Henry Tudor: "I'm going to build a car park in the centre of Leicester."

Richard III: "Over my dead body."

I've heard that after last night's riots in the city centre, 8 of my mum's sisters are going to be standing by some damaged buildings all night holding candles.

You can't beat vigil aunties....

I went up to a homeless man sitting on a bench in the town centre today with a cup of coffee for him.

I sat next to him and asked how he'd got in this position. He said to me "You know, three weeks ago I had it all, my own accomodation, a cook, good food, the internet,TV, I used to go to the gym,to the swimming pool, the library, everything" I replied, "Blimey, that's a bit rough, what happened, bad...

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New nurse at an elderly care centre: "Hey, I was checking though Bills medication list and got curious, why would a 90 year old man need viagra while staying here alone?"

Nurse 2: "It stops him rolling out of bed."

A man has just finished a trip to the Sea Life Centre, and is finishing up an ice cream on the way back to his car

When getting in to his car, he has a bit of ice cream round his mouth.

A guy parking alongside notices the mans tyres are a little flat and gestures for him to wind his window down.

"Hey man, it looks like you've blown a seal!"

"It's just ice cream, I swear to God!"

I was at the swimming centre with my son. I said, "Use your legs, come on. Keep kicking. Your arms are doing all the work."

His chocolate bar got stuck in the vending machine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Harold in the Nursing Home. This is my grandma's favourite joke.

Disclaimer: I just heard this joke today, so I apologize if this is old news for some of you.


Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One even...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American, Brit and Finn sit at the pub

The American says: “our Air Force is so mighty that if we launch all of our airplanes into the sky, you won’t even see the sun!”

Everyone around looks impressed, agrees that the US Air Force is indeed mighty.

The Brit says: “our navy is so mighty that if we’d line up all of our vessels...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Australian joke (but it may translate..)

ScoMo (the Australian Prime Minister, right wing, evangelical, ex marketing specialist) is visiting a remote indigenous village, surrounded by the fawning Murdoch press. He speaks to the village elder and asks him how he can make the locals lives better.

"Well," says the elder, "We've got two...

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Paddy's last will...

Paddy was on his deathbed and knew the end was near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast.
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak:

"My...

The wife says I'm no longer allowed to help in our search for a new apartment as my suggestions are always "disgusting".

In my defence, the last place I found was in a great location in the centre of town and it did say "TO LET".

How was I supposed to know the "I" had fallen off?

We went to see a movie the other night.

I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do, as it feels a little roomier.

Just as the movie was about to start, a blonde from the centre of the row got up and started making her way out, saying, "Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, got to hurry, oops, excuse me."

By the time sh...

A sandwich walks into a bar

A sandwich walks into a bar and he asks for a lager. The barman tells him sorry but we don’t serve food here.

(The dude who works at the vaccine centre is waking around telling everyone dad jokes while they wait after their vaccine and it’s great.)

A blonde is looking for a job

On the first day she applied for a clerk in a business firm and had an interview. When she's finished the manager said,"I'm afraid you're not capable of the duty."

On the second day she applied for the McDonald's and had an interview. The manager kicked her out and said,"you dumb get lost."...

A Canadian was at an all-inclusive resort and was being a good guest by tipping the bartender.

However, he was really just using it as a opportunity to unload his old Canadian Tire money.

This went on all week until the last day. He approached bar, but his favourite bartender was not there. When he asked about him, he got some shocking news.

"I'm sorry sir, he didn't show up for...

A Nasty Divorce

On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things. On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feaste...

BREAKING NEWS: Ghislaine Maxwell, former on again / off again partner of Epstein, has been arrested by the FBI.

In other news, Prince Andrew has just suffered a heart attack, Bill Clinton has suddenly developed Alzheimer’s, and all prison guards at Maxwell’s detention centre have suddenly had to take long naps...

Your Mama so fat

That she's the super massive compact object at the centre of the galaxy and they gave a Nobel prize today for discovering her.

A man goes to his friend for a free eye-test...

On the first visit he tells him:


"My eyesight has been blurry recently and my eyes are getting more painful"


"Don't worry, it's probably nothing. It'll get better on its own," says the friend, without examining him.


On the second visit he tells his friend his v...

Giving

Jane had heard you can make some extra money donating blood. On her lunch break she went on down to the donation centre near her office to give it a go for the first time. After donating and while at the counter to get payment she noticed the man to her left was being paid $100, while she was onl...

A frantic woman on the phone:

Hello, My 4 year old son just accidently swallowed my pen, he looks very blue now...

911 operator: ok, I will send an ambulance to you right the way, what’s your address ?

Woman: 123 Centre street, please hurry up, and what should I do in the meantime?

Operator: ... could you us...

An agricultural inspector goes to a farm to carry out field tests and inspections.

He calls out in the yard but no one comes so decides to carry on with his inspection. He arrives at the first gate and is about to open it when he hears a shout from the other side of the field.

“YOU CAN’T GO IN THERE!!!!”

He looks over and sees the farmer on an opposite gate so he s...

Two girlfriends are chatting.

“Have you heard about the new husband shopping centre in town?" one asks. "It's a four-floor building where women can go to choose a husband from hundreds of eligible men. The only rule is, once you go up a floor, you can't go down, except to leave the place never to return. Let's try it out."
<...

True Story.

My wife and I were shopping with her parents. Lovely people, who had just booked a holiday to New York to visit my brother in-law, who is expecting his first child. In preparation for this they needed to buy new luggage. We were walking around the shopping centre and had a few bags by the time th...

Now that I am vaccinated I can joke about Covid

Here are a few.

———————

Day 251 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture!”

———————

Nail salons, hair salons, waxing centres and tanning places are closed. It’s about to get ugly out there!

———————

What’s the best way...

Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek.

It’s Einstein’s turn to be it.
Pascal is nowhere to be found, but Newton draws a 1m X 1m square right in front of Einstein and stands in its centre.
Einstein says, “Newton, you’re terrible! I found you right away!”
Newton replies, “No, Einy. You’ve found one Newton per square meter. You’ve ...

A Job Wanted

A dog walks into a job centre, goes up to the woman at the desk and says, 'Good afternoon, miss. I'm looking for work.'
The woman looks up, amazed, and says, 'Good heavens, a talking dog! Er... well, let's try the circus in town. I'll give them a ring.'
The dog says, 'The circus? What on earth...

I was depressed and called Lifeline...

It connected to a call centre in Pakistan. I told them I was feeling suicidal. They got really excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Ugly scenes

Ugly scenes in centre of Leicester this evening

An 'anti Trump' protestor threw a traffic cone, narrowly missing US President by 5802 miles

William Shakespeare came to get vaccinated.

Nurse: Which arm?

Shakespeare: As You Like It

Nurse: Was that painful?

Shakespeare: Much Ado About Nothing

Nurse: You will have to have a second jab.

Shakespeare: Measure For Measure

Nurse: So what do you think of the general awareness with regard to Covi...

The Boy who Speaks in Coffee

There was once an Italian boy who was born to a pair of baristas. Unfortunately, he was born with a mental defect which meant that his vocabulary would be formed very early, and would be highly associative. As his parents worked around the clock to support their new son, his vocabulary quickly becam...

a senior doing useful things with her time

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn’t do something useful with my time……….

Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing.

Talking about my “doing something useful” seems to be her favourite topic of conversation.

She was “only thinking ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New shop in town

Two businessmen in the centre of town were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're ...

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