I am irrationally scared of places like shopping centres, particularly if they are confusing and difficult to navigate.

I have a complex complex complex.

A man walks into a Christian talk centre

He listens to the priests speech and halfway through interrupts him.

“Your god can’t exist and Jesus can’t be his son and your bible is corrupted.”
The priest objects “my son i have proof if you would just let me finish-“

But the man exits the centre. The priest secretl...

I brought my grandmother to a fish spa centre...

I brought my grandmother to one of those fish spa centres where the little fish eat your dead skin, only cost $45. Was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery!

A well-known American actor is walking through the centre of Newcastle upon Tyne.

Suddenly, a member of the public stops him, and says, "I recognise you from somewhere, are you famous?"

The actor answered, "As a matter of fact, I am. I played Commodus in the movie 'Gladiator.'"

Astonished, the Geordie replied "Are you Joaquin?"

To which Joaquin said "Yes, but...

Canada's immigration centre has a new slogan

You'll be sorry

A teenager has a crush on a girl, and decides to ask her to the prom.

The girls accepts, and the boy is over the moon. Because he wants this night to be perfect, he decides he needs to dress his best, so, a couple of weeks before the prom he looks to rent a tuxedo.

When he gets to the store there are already people waiting in line, but he waits anyway, and get...

I just found this new recycling centre and it’s AMAZING!

It’s called r/jokes.

did you know that at shopping centres for hitmen there arent any kmarts or walmarts?

thats because there are only targets.

I own a chain of garden centres across the US

I got hoes, in different area codes.

Sadly I had to leave my job at the cat rescue centre.

They cut meowers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did Trump hold his press conference at the 4-seasons garden centre, between a sex shop and a crematorium?

Because he was between a cock and a charred place.

I'm sick of these double standards

When Venus poses naked on a seashell she is "beautiful" and "a goddess", but when I do it I'm "drunk" and "banned from the Sea Life Centre".

The wife says I'm no longer allowed to help in our search for a new apartment as my suggestions are always "disgusting".

In my defence, the last place I found was in a great location in the centre of town and it did say "TO LET".

How was I supposed to know the "I" had fallen off?

My life used to centre on math, additions and subtractions until I found a quote that expanded my worldview

"The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 20 years of his life."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Australian joke (but it may translate..)

ScoMo (the Australian Prime Minister, right wing, evangelical, ex marketing specialist) is visiting a remote indigenous village, surrounded by the fawning Murdoch press. He speaks to the village elder and asks him how he can make the locals lives better.

"Well," says the elder, "We've got two...

A man is travelling through the desert

A man is travelling through the desert when he runs out of water. He is worried since the next town is not for 10 miles, so he is beginning to worry. Just then, however, he sees a man on a camel in the distance. When he gets nearer to the man, he sees that he is carrying bags full of neckties.
...

I went to a faith healing session at the local community centre last night but it was absolute rubbish.

Even the fella in the wheelchair got up and walked out.

Think I saw Michael J Fox at the garden centre this morning

Can’t be sure though, he had his back to the fuchsias

Lynn's nurse at the vaccination centre recently qualified for a sport in the Tokyo Olympics. What sport is it?

Javelin

60,000 blondes meet in a centre for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.

##

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says,...

So, last semester I met this guy in my business class

He was cool & an international student. His name was Ving and was from China. His English was really good for a second language, better than I could ever be learning a second language. We’d often hang out and I show him the sites and tourist destinations in my city. He's much cooler as well as b...

A man walks into an LGBTQ centre.

He walks up to the front desk and introduces himself. "Hello, I identify as a chocolate bar. Can I join?"

The receptionist replies "Sir, that's disgraceful! You're mocking the community. We're going to have to ask you to leave."

"You can't call me sir!" The man exclaims. "I use her/she...

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby.

They showed me a Volkswagen beetle.

What's the difference between an ISIS training centre and a preschool?

I don't know, I'm just the drone pilot.

A little boy was at the centre of a custody battle.

The judge says to him, do you want to stay with your Father? Boy replies no he beats me, so the judge asks do you want to stay with your Mother? again the boy says, no she beats me as well. So the judge asks, so who do you want to stay with then?

Boy replies: Manchester United, they don't bea...

What language is spoken at the centre of the earth?

Core-ean

I used to go into shopping centres and rotate the body parts of the mannequins...

I don't think everyone noticed, but I certainly turned a few heads.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sheep shagging

An old Oxford professor is nearing retirement and decides that he wants to do something fun for once. He's spent his whole life researching scientific theories in his lab and wants to do something outside for a change, so he asks his assistant for a suggestion of something different to go and resear...

I called my local recycling centre about what to do with old batteries.

They said they'd take them free of charge.

I've heard that after last night's riots in the city centre, 8 of my mum's sisters are going to be standing by some damaged buildings all night holding candles.

You can't beat vigil aunties....

Once you have seen.....

Once you have seen one shopping centre

you have seen the mall

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

It's time I gave up on this call centre job.

To be honest I'm just phoning it in these days.

What's at the centre of No Man's Sky universe?

A refund.

credit to /u/xROSSTHEHOSSx (saw it on another post as comment, thought it deserved own post)

Investing in an assisted suicide centre has its pros and cons

The service is non-refundable but there are no repeat customers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw some prostitutes hanging around my local garden centre

I guess it is a bit of a seedy establishment

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was standin next to this bloke in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a mobile phone rings.

He was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I thought straightaway wot a smug bastard!

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the Metro Centre now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It' s only £1,000. Is it OK ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A timber recycling centre placed a job ad seeking an experienced timber sorter.

And one morning in walks a guy wearing dark glasses and using a white cane.

"I've come about the timber sorting position", he tells the lady at reception.

She gets her husband, the boss, who takes one look at the guy and says, "No offence pal, but how do you intend to sort timber if y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the garden centre today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, "Will you be putting that up yourself?"

I replied, "No, you sick fuck. I'll be putting it up in my living room."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New nurse at an elderly care centre: "Hey, I was checking though Bills medication list and got curious, why would a 90 year old man need viagra while staying here alone?"

Nurse 2: "It stops him rolling out of bed."

I've just walked past our local community centre and I could clearly hear these board-game enthusiasts...

...all stood in the porchway bragging endlessly about their various tournament accomplishments.

You might think that sounds like it would have been pretty annoying for me, but infact...





I rather like the sound of chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s gynaecology and call centre work have in common?

You spend most of your working day dealing with horrible cunts!

All the adults judged me because I jumped into the ball pit at the children's activity centre...

It's like they'd never seen a naked man before

I phoned up my local yoga centre to book a lesson. They said, “how flexible are you?”

I said, “I can’t make Thursdays.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At an ISIS recruitment centre...

Interviewer: Name?

Recruit: Saaed Bin Hasrat.

Interviewer: Sex?

Recruit: Often twice a day.

Interviewer: No, no. Male or female?

Recruit: Male, female, sometimes camel, mostly sheep.

A lady just came up to me in the shopping centre and asked me to take apart in a survey....

Q1 - What grooming products do you use...... I don't think .. Facebook, Haribo and Puppies were the answers she was after..

Now that I am vaccinated I can joke about Covid

Here are a few.

———————

Day 251 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture!”

———————

Nail salons, hair salons, waxing centres and tanning places are closed. It’s about to get ugly out there!

———————

What’s the best way...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A scouser walked into the job centre.

A scouser walked into the local job centre to pick up his dole cheque
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know; I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening...

I went up to a homeless man sitting on a bench in the town centre today with a cup of coffee for him.

I sat next to him and asked how he'd got in this position. He said to me "You know, three weeks ago I had it all, my own accomodation, a cook, good food, the internet,TV, I used to go to the gym,to the swimming pool, the library, everything" I replied, "Blimey, that's a bit rough, what happened, bad...

My local garden centre is doing buy one, get one free on manure.

Now that's an offer not to be sniffed at.

A man and a woman were waiting at a hospital donation centre.

The man asks the woman, "What are you here to donate?"

The woman replies, "I'm here to give my blood. The hospital is going to pay me $5 for it."

"Good on you! I'm here to donate sperm," says the man, "The hospital is going to pay me $25 for it."

The woman woman looked thoughtf...

If I had a pound for every time I went to the job centre...

I'd be able to afford another pack of cigarettes.

William Shakespeare came to get vaccinated.

Nurse: Which arm?

Shakespeare: As You Like It

Nurse: Was that painful?

Shakespeare: Much Ado About Nothing

Nurse: You will have to have a second jab.

Shakespeare: Measure For Measure

Nurse: So what do you think of the general awareness with regard to Covi...

"That is him." I said to my wife in the shopping centre.

"That's Kenny Baker, the actor who played R2D2 in Star Wars."

"Are you sure?" she asked. "It doesn't look like him, go on over and ask."

A couple of minutes later I walked back over to her. "Well, what did he say?"

"Nothing." I said. "It's a rubbish bin."

Potato's in glasses are never the centre of attention.

They're just spec taters

Drunk people are so self centred...

... they think the world revolves around them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' centre

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' centre. After the community sing song led by Alice at the piano it was time for the Star of the Show: Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at...

What do you call an Asian woman who lives next to a data centre?

Ping Lo.

A sandwich walks into a bar

A sandwich walks into a bar and he asks for a lager. The barman tells him sorry but we don’t serve food here.

(The dude who works at the vaccine centre is waking around telling everyone dad jokes while they wait after their vaccine and it’s great.)

The pulley is the most egotistical of all the machines.

It’s always at the centre of a tension.

Blood type

A priest, a minister and a Rabbit walk together into the blood donation centre.
The nurse asks “What’s your blood type?”
The Rabbit says “I’m probably a Type O”.

A man has just finished a trip to the Sea Life Centre, and is finishing up an ice cream on the way back to his car

When getting in to his car, he has a bit of ice cream round his mouth.

A guy parking alongside notices the mans tyres are a little flat and gestures for him to wind his window down.

"Hey man, it looks like you've blown a seal!"

"It's just ice cream, I swear to God!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a group of virgins waiting in line at the job centre?

An untapped resource

There was a sign outside the drug rehab centre.

'Keep off the grass'

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a bunch of chocolate balls making fun of a shopping centre.

I've never liked mall teasers.

I was at the swimming centre with my son. I said, "Use your legs, come on. Keep kicking. Your arms are doing all the work."

His chocolate bar got stuck in the vending machine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I came across a really old man crying his eyes out in a shopping centre.

I came across a really old man crying his eyes out in a shopping centre. "What Evers the matter?" I asked him.

The old man wiped his eyes and gave out a whispering sniffle "you know son I'm the luckiest man alive. I'm 91 years old, I've traveled around the world, I'm a multi millionaire and ...

My Local Youth Centre Wanted a Donation Towards Their Pool

i gave them a bucket of water

My friend works at a recycling centre crushing soft drink cans all day

It's soda pressing

A chinese man walks into a job centre

A chinese man walks into a job centre, the person asks him "can you work in a shop?" the chinese man says "no no, can't work in shop" the person says "can you work in a restaurant?" the chinese man says "no no, can't work in restaurant" The person says "are you any good at supplies then"

The...

Henry Tudor: "I'm going to build a car park in the centre of Leicester."

Richard III: "Over my dead body."

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New shop in town

Two businessmen in the centre of town were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're ...

A lady and her husband arr at the hospital to give birth to their baby

Just before the operation, she starts to get panic attacks due to stories she's heard of the immense pain. The doctors offer an alternative solution.

Doctor: "We've procured a machine that transfers the pain felt by the mother to the father. But be warned, the pain will be like nothing you've...

Mitch McConnell goes to the doctor....

Mitch McConnell goes to the doctor for a regular checkup. The doctor checks his heart. Then he checks his breathing, his eyes and ears. He does the works. After finishing checking him up and just before sending him out the door McConnell asks.

McConnell: “Hey doc I’d like to donate my body to...

An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired...

An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired in Bradford



It seems that a caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet my maker."



To which the call centre employee replied, ...

Rhonda in the pub

Rhonda wandered down to her local public house, for one of their themed dining nights.

Tonight was Chiili, paired with either rum , absinthe or gin. As she entered, she encountered the fragrant aroma of spicy beef and beans, although there was also the faint undernotes of an aroma associated...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a cat, a cow and a horse who lived on a farm.

It was a massive farm in Virginia which spanned a few acres, and every day the three animals would work on the farm. Even though it was exhausting, it was very rewarding.

One day, the cat decided to take the day off. While the cow and the horse worked on the farm, the cat sat down and watche...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young boy applied for a job at a store...

The store manager said: “We are looking for somebody with sales experience but we’re having a holiday sale tomorrow and you can give it a try.”

At the end of the day the manager checked the day sales and was shocked, the boy had sold $79,083.25 worth of merchandise.

He asked the boy ho...

Court Ruling from the UK

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should’ve custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulation...

Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek.

It’s Einstein’s turn to be it.
Pascal is nowhere to be found, but Newton draws a 1m X 1m square right in front of Einstein and stands in its centre.
Einstein says, “Newton, you’re terrible! I found you right away!”
Newton replies, “No, Einy. You’ve found one Newton per square meter. You’ve ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.

Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their co...

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Box under the bed

When Eamonn and Ruth first got married Eamonn said, *“I am a sex addict and I’m putting a box under the bed to help control my addiction. You must promise never to look in it.”*

In all their 30 years of marriage, Ruth never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mr Simpson owned a high end clothing store.

One day, just around closing up, a pretty young woman walks in, browses for a bit and ends up staring at a very expensive designer dress standing proudly in the centre of the store.
Mr Simpson notices, quietly walks up beside her and says 'it's a beauty, isn't it?'
She glances at him, sighs ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what a set up, for a dad joke. it's worth it tho

full disclosure, this isn't my joke, was sent to me


I knew a bloke who was a massive fan of tractors his whole life.

When he was a kid, he didn't have toy cars or posters of lambos on his bedroom wall, he had toy tractors and trailers and posters of the latest John Deeres.

...

Your Mama so fat

That she's the super massive compact object at the centre of the galaxy and they gave a Nobel prize today for discovering her.

BREAKING NEWS: Ghislaine Maxwell, former on again / off again partner of Epstein, has been arrested by the FBI.

In other news, Prince Andrew has just suffered a heart attack, Bill Clinton has suddenly developed Alzheimer’s, and all prison guards at Maxwell’s detention centre have suddenly had to take long naps...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Franz was reading his book on death row...

It was the ‘storm of the century’. On death row, Franz was reading his religious texts, looking for God, even as the inmates of the neighbouring cells were having an explosive argument about who should get to shower first. ’14 days to execution’, Franz thought, as he physically and mentally trembled...

February 29th, 2020

On February 29th of this year, something extraordinary happened.

I was walking across the road, head down, minding my own - when I heard it. This incessant, mechanical noise. Like spring-loaded footsteps. Real slow.

Far away, it came. Cascading against the city walls. A pneumatic sigh....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
· My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
· My daughter "Sybil, you ...

Giving

Jane had heard you can make some extra money donating blood. On her lunch break she went on down to the donation centre near her office to give it a go for the first time. After donating and while at the counter to get payment she noticed the man to her left was being paid $100, while she was onl...

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing.

A sign read: "Don't Miss "The Amazing Italian".
The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, Under The Big Top, in the Centre ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian.

Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member...

Two girlfriends are chatting.

“Have you heard about the new husband shopping centre in town?" one asks. "It's a four-floor building where women can go to choose a husband from hundreds of eligible men. The only rule is, once you go up a floor, you can't go down, except to leave the place never to return. Let's try it out."
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A traveller enters a mysterious looking hotel and is greeted by a rather attractive girl sitting behind the check in desk.

She smiles at him, exposing slightly crooked teeth and endearing dimples. "You can have me, right here, right now." She gestures to a door he hadn't noticed before and continues, "Or, you can carry on to success."

The traveller is a little nonplussed, a little flattered about being propositio...

Found this in my timeline...

I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood. So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch.
I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIL in its centre.
Now,the Yorkshire police, th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with a black eye boards a plane

He finds his seat and sits right next another man with a badly bruised eye.

"Ha," says the first man, "funny we should be seated next to each other. How'd you get yours?"

"Well," says the second man, "you know that busty ticket lady at check-in?"

"Oh yeah, she was a real looker"...

I was depressed and called Lifeline...

It connected to a call centre in Pakistan. I told them I was feeling suicidal. They got really excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My first OC joke. (Long)

A man walks into an antique shop. He approaches the female cashier and
asks, “Is this your store?”

She nods her head, “My parents owned it for a few decades, I had since inherited it.”

The man then asks her, “Would you like to see a magic trick?”

The woman, barley amused, dec...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A psychiatrist arrives for a house call and is greeted by a panicked mother

Who shows him to her son’s room. Her son had taken an extreme interest in First Nations culture in the past years going as far as packing his room with First Nations ornaments and trinkets and even changing his name to Spirit Eagle. However, the interesting state of his room was over shadowed by the...

Why is Trump so sure that the Coronavirus is a Democrat conspiracy?

Because pandemic has dem at the centre of panic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Rolls Royce and a Mini

A Rolls Royce and a Mini pull up at the lights together. The guy in the Mini looks at the guy in the Rolls Royce and presses a button to lower his window. The guy in the Rolls Royce smiles and presses the button for his window to go down and with beautiful precision the window smoothly rolls down. ...

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