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A fat man goes to a unique Health Centre that advertises weight loss and sex.

Intrigued by the ad, he goes in and asks the receptionist what this is all about.
She replies 'Well sir, it's exactly as we said, we have several formula and you can lose weight and have sex'
'Oh my' he says 'Let me try the first option then'
'Fair enough, that will be the door on your l...

I used to go into shopping centres and rotate the body parts of the mannequins...

I don't think everyone noticed, but I certainly turned a few heads.

I called my local recycling centre about what to do with old batteries.

They said they'd take them free of charge.

I was cutting into an apple the other day and the knife broke as it reached the centre.

... that's pretty hard core.

What's the difference between an ISIS training centre and a preschool?

I don't know, I'm just the drone pilot.

I've heard that after last night's riots in the city centre, 8 of my mum's sisters are going to be standing by some damaged buildings all night holding candles.

You can't beat vigil aunties....

It's time I gave up on this call centre job.

To be honest I'm just phoning it in these days.

Investing in an assisted suicide centre has its pros and cons

The service is non-refundable but there are no repeat customers

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a dog walks into a job centre

jumps up on the counter and says to the startled assistant “alright mate? got any jobs going?” the stunned assistant replies “you’re a talking dog!?” the dogs says “yep, got any jobs or what?” “bbbbut, you can talk?” the assistant replies “yes” says the dog “we’ve established that, now what about a ...

What language is spoken at the centre of the earth?

Core-ean

A lady and her husband arr at the hospital to give birth to their baby

Just before the operation, she starts to get panic attacks due to stories she's heard of the immense pain. The doctors offer an alternative solution.

Doctor: "We've procured a machine that transfers the pain felt by the mother to the father. But be warned, the pain will be like nothing you've...

A little boy was at the centre of a custody battle.

The judge says to him, do you want to stay with your Father? Boy replies no he beats me, so the judge asks do you want to stay with your Mother? again the boy says, no she beats me as well. So the judge asks, so who do you want to stay with then?

Boy replies: Manchester United, they don't bea...

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There was a cat, a cow and a horse who lived on a farm.

It was a massive farm in Virginia which spanned a few acres, and every day the three animals would work on the farm. Even though it was exhausting, it was very rewarding.

One day, the cat decided to take the day off. While the cow and the horse worked on the farm, the cat sat down and watche...

Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek.

It’s Einstein’s turn to be it.
Pascal is nowhere to be found, but Newton draws a 1m X 1m square right in front of Einstein and stands in its centre.
Einstein says, “Newton, you’re terrible! I found you right away!”
Newton replies, “No, Einy. You’ve found one Newton per square meter. You’ve ...

60,000 blondes meet in a centre for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.

##

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says,...

A man walks into an LGBTQ centre.

He walks up to the front desk and introduces himself. "Hello, I identify as a chocolate bar. Can I join?"

The receptionist replies "Sir, that's disgraceful! You're mocking the community. We're going to have to ask you to leave."

"You can't call me sir!" The man exclaims. "I use her/she...

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A timber recycling centre placed a job ad seeking an experienced timber sorter.

And one morning in walks a guy wearing dark glasses and using a white cane.

"I've come about the timber sorting position", he tells the lady at reception.

She gets her husband, the boss, who takes one look at the guy and says, "No offence pal, but how do you intend to sort timber if y...

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Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
· My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
· My daughter "Sybil, you ...

BREAKING NEWS: Ghislaine Maxwell, former on again / off again partner of Epstein, has been arrested by the FBI.

In other news, Prince Andrew has just suffered a heart attack, Bill Clinton has suddenly developed Alzheimer’s, and all prison guards at Maxwell’s detention centre have suddenly had to take long naps...

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I saw some prostitutes hanging around my local garden centre

I guess it is a bit of a seedy establishment

Just saw Micheal J Fox in the local garden centre

At least I think it was him - he had his back to the fuchsias.

I took my grandma to a fish spa centre where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45.

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello?"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me... are you at the club?"

"Yes."

"I'm at the City Centre mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it okay if I buy it?"

"Sure, go ahead if you really like it."

"I also stopped by the Mercedes dealershi...

I phoned up my local yoga centre to book a lesson. They said, “how flexible are you?”

I said, “I can’t make Thursdays.”

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I went to the garden centre today to buy myself a Christmas tree

I went to the garden center today and bought myself a new Christmas tree, the store assistant asked me "will you be putting that up yourself?"

I replied, "no, you sick fuck, I'll be putting it up in my living room."

Two girlfriends are chatting.

“Have you heard about the new husband shopping centre in town?" one asks. "It's a four-floor building where women can go to choose a husband from hundreds of eligible men. The only rule is, once you go up a floor, you can't go down, except to leave the place never to return. Let's try it out."
<...

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A young boy applied for a job at a store...

The store manager said: “We are looking for somebody with sales experience but we’re having a holiday sale tomorrow and you can give it a try.”

At the end of the day the manager checked the day sales and was shocked, the boy had sold $79,083.25 worth of merchandise.

He asked the boy ho...

All the adults judged me because I jumped into the ball pit at the children's activity centre...

It's like they'd never seen a naked man before

I've just walked past our local community centre and I could clearly hear these board-game enthusiasts...

...all stood in the porchway bragging endlessly about their various tournament accomplishments.

You might think that sounds like it would have been pretty annoying for me, but infact...





I rather like the sound of chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.

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what a set up, for a dad joke. it's worth it tho

full disclosure, this isn't my joke, was sent to me


I knew a bloke who was a massive fan of tractors his whole life.

When he was a kid, he didn't have toy cars or posters of lambos on his bedroom wall, he had toy tractors and trailers and posters of the latest John Deeres.

...

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Box under the bed

When Eamonn and Ruth first got married Eamonn said, *“I am a sex addict and I’m putting a box under the bed to help control my addiction. You must promise never to look in it.”*

In all their 30 years of marriage, Ruth never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosit...

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New nurse at an elderly care centre: "Hey, I was checking though Bills medication list and got curious, why would a 90 year old man need viagra while staying here alone?"

Nurse 2: "It stops him rolling out of bed."

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What’s gynaecology and call centre work have in common?

You spend most of your working day dealing with horrible cunts!

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My Wife is missing.

Husband:

My wife is missing.

She went out yesterday and has not come home...



Sergeant at Police Station:

What is her height?



Husband:

Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.



Sergeant:

Weight?



Husb...

What's at the centre of No Man's Sky universe?

A refund.

credit to /u/xROSSTHEHOSSx (saw it on another post as comment, thought it deserved own post)

My local garden centre is doing buy one, get one free on manure.

Now that's an offer not to be sniffed at.

Giving

Jane had heard you can make some extra money donating blood. On her lunch break she went on down to the donation centre near her office to give it a go for the first time. After donating and while at the counter to get payment she noticed the man to her left was being paid $100, while she was onl...

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A scouser walked into the job centre.

A scouser walked into the local job centre to pick up his dole cheque
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know; I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening...

A man is walking through the woods when he stumbles on a suitcase with some puppies inside

He calls up the local veterinary centre to ask for advice.

"Hi, I was walking through the woods and I found a closed suitcase, when I opened it there were 5 little puppies inside" said the man

"Oh no, that's horrible. Are they moving?" Asks the receptionist

"I'm not sure" replie...

If I had a pound for every time I went to the job centre...

I'd be able to afford another pack of cigarettes.

Everyone is self centred.

But it's the radius that counts.

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Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.

Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their co...

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A man with a black eye boards a plane

He finds his seat and sits right next another man with a badly bruised eye.

"Ha," says the first man, "funny we should be seated next to each other. How'd you get yours?"

"Well," says the second man, "you know that busty ticket lady at check-in?"

"Oh yeah, she was a real looker"...

A lady just came up to me in the shopping centre and asked me to take apart in a survey....

Q1 - What grooming products do you use...... I don't think .. Facebook, Haribo and Puppies were the answers she was after..

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

Potato's in glasses are never the centre of attention.

They're just spec taters

I went up to a homeless man sitting on a bench in the town centre today with a cup of coffee for him.

I sat next to him and asked how he'd got in this position. He said to me "You know, three weeks ago I had it all, my own accomodation, a cook, good food, the internet,TV, I used to go to the gym,to the swimming pool, the library, everything" I replied, "Blimey, that's a bit rough, what happened, bad...

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At an ISIS recruitment centre...

Interviewer: Name?

Recruit: Saaed Bin Hasrat.

Interviewer: Sex?

Recruit: Often twice a day.

Interviewer: No, no. Male or female?

Recruit: Male, female, sometimes camel, mostly sheep.

My son is three years old and I took him shopping.

When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket. Now, I didn't buy it and he certainly didn't buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping centre and went to the jewellers.

r/Jokes is like a shopping centre

If you've seen one, you've seen the mall

Two Leafs fans die and go to hell

The devil greets them at the gate and shows them to their new home. Having lived in northern Ontario their whole lives, the two men are excited to enjoy hell's warmer climate. They immediately shed a few layers and kick back with a couple cold beers. The devil, none too pleased with their enthusiasm...

A man has just finished a trip to the Sea Life Centre, and is finishing up an ice cream on the way back to his car

When getting in to his car, he has a bit of ice cream round his mouth.

A guy parking alongside notices the mans tyres are a little flat and gestures for him to wind his window down.

"Hey man, it looks like you've blown a seal!"

"It's just ice cream, I swear to God!"

A man walks into a garden centre looking to buy some plants.

Upon entering, he sees a plant with beautiful purple/red flowers...and notices it also has hands that are tightly gripping something.

Amazed by this, he tries to pry the fingers apart in order to see what is between the plant's hands, but is unable to.

He approaches one of the workers ...

There was a sign outside the drug rehab centre.

'Keep off the grass'

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What do you call a group of virgins waiting in line at the job centre?

An untapped resource

"That is him." I said to my wife in the shopping centre.

"That's Kenny Baker, the actor who played R2D2 in Star Wars."

"Are you sure?" she asked. "It doesn't look like him, go on over and ask."

A couple of minutes later I walked back over to her. "Well, what did he say?"

"Nothing." I said. "It's a rubbish bin."

Once there were three kingdoms

So once there were 3 kingdoms, each controlled an equal share of land with a small island on a lake at the centre of them. Always there was fighting over who would control the island, as it was a veritable paradise and each King wanted it for himself as a place to relax away from royal life.

...

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I saw a bunch of chocolate balls making fun of a shopping centre.

I've never liked mall teasers.

I used to work in a circumcision centre...

The pay was meagre but the tips were great.

A man and a woman were waiting at a hospital donation centre.

The man asks the woman, "What are you here to donate?"

The woman replies, "I'm here to give my blood. The hospital is going to pay me $5 for it."

"Good on you! I'm here to donate sperm," says the man, "The hospital is going to pay me $25 for it."

The woman woman looked thoughtf...

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Franz was reading his book on death row...

It was the ‘storm of the century’. On death row, Franz was reading his religious texts, looking for God, even as the inmates of the neighbouring cells were having an explosive argument about who should get to shower first. ’14 days to execution’, Franz thought, as he physically and mentally trembled...

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the...

Drunk people are so self centred...

... they think the world revolves around them

What do you call an Asian woman who lives next to a data centre?

Ping Lo.

I was at the swimming centre with my son. I said, "Use your legs, come on. Keep kicking. Your arms are doing all the work."

His chocolate bar got stuck in the vending machine.

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It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' centre

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' centre. After the community sing song led by Alice at the piano it was time for the Star of the Show: Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at...

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Rolls Royce and a Mini

A Rolls Royce and a Mini pull up at the lights together. The guy in the Mini looks at the guy in the Rolls Royce and presses a button to lower his window. The guy in the Rolls Royce smiles and presses the button for his window to go down and with beautiful precision the window smoothly rolls down. ...

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing.

A sign read: "Don't Miss "The Amazing Italian".
The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, Under The Big Top, in the Centre ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian.

Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member...

My Local Youth Centre Wanted a Donation Towards Their Pool

i gave them a bucket of water

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I came across a really old man crying his eyes out in a shopping centre.

I came across a really old man crying his eyes out in a shopping centre. "What Evers the matter?" I asked him.

The old man wiped his eyes and gave out a whispering sniffle "you know son I'm the luckiest man alive. I'm 91 years old, I've traveled around the world, I'm a multi millionaire and ...

My friend works at a recycling centre crushing soft drink cans all day

It's soda pressing

A hunter and two mathematics professors go duck hunting.

The hunter lets the professors have the first shot, and they both try to shoot the same duck.

The first professor shoots and misses by 25 metres to the right.

The second shoots and misses as well, by 25 metres to the left, then turns and high fives the first professor.

The hunte...

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A traveller enters a mysterious looking hotel and is greeted by a rather attractive girl sitting behind the check in desk.

She smiles at him, exposing slightly crooked teeth and endearing dimples. "You can have me, right here, right now." She gestures to a door he hadn't noticed before and continues, "Or, you can carry on to success."

The traveller is a little nonplussed, a little flattered about being propositio...

A chinese man walks into a job centre

A chinese man walks into a job centre, the person asks him "can you work in a shop?" the chinese man says "no no, can't work in shop" the person says "can you work in a restaurant?" the chinese man says "no no, can't work in restaurant" The person says "are you any good at supplies then"

The...

An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired...

An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired in Bradford



It seems that a caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet my maker."



To which the call centre employee replied, ...

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My first OC joke. (Long)

A man walks into an antique shop. He approaches the female cashier and
asks, “Is this your store?”

She nods her head, “My parents owned it for a few decades, I had since inherited it.”

The man then asks her, “Would you like to see a magic trick?”

The woman, barley amused, dec...

I was depressed and called Lifeline...

It connected to a call centre in Pakistan. I told them I was feeling suicidal. They got really excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

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A psychiatrist arrives for a house call and is greeted by a panicked mother

Who shows him to her son’s room. Her son had taken an extreme interest in First Nations culture in the past years going as far as packing his room with First Nations ornaments and trinkets and even changing his name to Spirit Eagle. However, the interesting state of his room was over shadowed by the...

Henry Tudor: "I'm going to build a car park in the centre of Leicester."

Richard III: "Over my dead body."

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A homeless guy stopped me and demanded I give him £5 for some new shoes.

So I gave him £5 and followed him to see if he got new shoes. He turned down one road, picking up the pace, the end of his baggy jeans scuffing the pavement. He took a sharp left turn down an alleyway, down which I pursued him for some three or four minutes at a safe distance of around three hundred...

A couple...

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was packed and as the wife walked around she discover that her husband was nowhere to be seen.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do, and hence she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where ...

German spies during world war two.

So my dad told me it a few years back and I still like it.
That's how it goes:

During world war II the Germans trained these super duper mega ultra spies.
They could speak fluent English, fluent French and fluent Russian.
Knew the history of every said enemy country.
Knew how t...

I'm sick of the violent society today.

For example, a complete stranger came up to me and said "Hey mate, do you want decking?". Thankfully I'm pretty handy myself and I smacked him one first, but it shouldn't have been necessary.

Also I'm now barred from the garden centre.

A pilot encounters engine trouble during a storm over the Pacific Ocean

In a desperate attempt, he crash-lands on an uncharted island and loses consciousness.

A day or so later, he awakens to find himself bound and being dragged by some native savages to their camp.
The natives are going wild at the spectacle, as he is left in the center of the camp next to a...

A lady gives herself a treat for her 7pth birthday

A lady decided to give herself a treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in an expensive hotel.
When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $500.
She exploded, demanding to know why the charge was so high.
The clerk told her $500 was the standard rate. S...

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Sheep Shagging

An old Oxford professor is nearing retirement and decides that he wants to do something fun for once. He's spent his whole life researching scientific theories in his lab and wants to do something outside for a change, so he asks his assistant for a suggestion of something different to go and resear...

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Anakin, obiwan and yoda are sitting round a table playing poker

They’ve played a number of rounds until Anakin has built up quite a big pile of chips

Suddenly his face lights up as he sees he’s got a nearly unbeatable hand.

Feeling lucky he force pushes all of his chips to the centre of the table

Obi wan: don’t try it

Anakin: I’m goin...

Donkey screws a girl

A new circus rolls into New York. Despite the new and wonderful acts, the circus keeps running at half-house.

Worried about his fortunes, the circus owner erects a board saying, 'Never seen before Act, at an invitational price of $69.... Donkey Screws a Girl'

As predicted, the show qui...

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Eastern Europe Loved the USSR

In 1970 a Soviet trade delegation visits Czechoslovakia. The delegation is met at the airport by the minister for trade, and as the minister and the leader of the delegation drive to the city in the minister’s Zil limousine, the minister points out a large bronze statue of Lenin just outside the air...

African Horses

In a world of horse racing dominated by the West, a new super power emerged. South African jockeys were jockeys were completely dismantling their opponents despite riding lame horses and weighing 250 pounds. Their budget just wasn't high enough to afford high quality gear, but they were still beatin...

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Fat fashion designer has found a time machine [OC]

Thinking about how many opportunities of discovery await him, he went inside and clicked a button.

He soon found himself in ancient rome. He noticed all the plebs wearing cool ancient clothes so he quickly went to the nearest shopping centre.

Being fat himself, he asked the shopkeepe...

Found this in my timeline...

I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood. So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch.
I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIL in its centre.
Now,the Yorkshire police, th...

These Samsung Foldable phones seem to be breaking everywhere

They are breaking left right and centre

Brain Dead

A man got into a car accident and was rushed to hospital. At the hospital, the man's doctor declares him to be brain-dead. Soon, the man's wife shows up at the hospital. The doctor gives the wife the bad news.

"What now?! What are my options?" Sobs the wife.

The doctor replies, "Well, ...

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Two death row inmates are asked about their final wish before they're executed.

The first inmate says: "I want to hear the entire Journey to the Centre of the Earth album by Rick Wakeman one last time."

"Alright, we can do that", says the guard and he asks the second inmate what he wants.

"Well, in that case", the second inmate says, "can you execute me first?"

3 explorers are lost deep in the jungle.

After days of desperate wandering they stumble upon a tribal village, where they are quickly captured and brought before the Chief.
The Chief adresses the first explorer and demands, "you! Death, or bobo?"
The first explorer, longing for his young wife, says, "I promised my wife I would re...

Court Ruling from the UK

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulati...

A man visits a chicken farm.

A man visits a chicken farm to buy some eggs. He knocks on the farmhouse door, the farmer opens it and invites him in. After picking out a box of a dozen eggs, the man caught a glimpse of a golden shine coming through a slightly opened door to his left. The man asks the farmer about the light and is...

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"I saw a job advertised as a fanny waxers assistant"

Job includes; removing ladies knickers, prepare fanny for waxing and rub oil in after waxing. When i asked at the job centre, they said i had to go to Cornwall. I said, "why is that where the job is?" No they said, "thats where the fucking back of the queue is!!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mum and daughter wants to get a parrot.

There was a parrot given away by a prostitution and it was sent to the adoption home. The mum and daughter went to the adoption home and looked at the parrot and all the parrot kept saying is "Fuck you! Fuck you!".

Finding it funny, the mum and daughter enquired about the parrot's traits and...

A blonde is looking for a job

On the first day she applied for a clerk in a business firm and had an interview. When she's finished the manager said,"I'm afraid you're not capable of the duty."

On the second day she applied for the McDonald's and had an interview. The manager kicked her out and said,"you dumb get lost."...

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A golfer in his SL500AMG pulled into a service station after his game.

The attendant pumping his gas looked into the car and saw two golf tees in the centre console.

"What's them pointy things there?" asked the attendant.

"They're called tees. You rest your balls on them when driving."

"Fuck me, Mercedes think of everything!"

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A friendly joke from us in Australia

We were walking past the local community centre in our town when we saw a window licker, or 'mong' if you will.

Fucking funniest thing we ever saw.

"Fucktard", shouted one of my mates. We all laughed.

"Bed soiler", shouted Jack, the joker of the pack. We laughed even harder.
...

When Aphrodite poses naked on a seashell she's "beautiful" and "a goddess"

But when I do it apparently I'm "drunk" and "barred from the Sea Life Centre".

A paranoid man stays at a hotel,

As per habit, he checks every inch of his hotel room looking for mics, cameras or any surveillance device.
Sure enough, right in the centre of the room, under the bed, under the carpet is a small, black metal object firmly bolted to the floor.
He takes out his equipment, detaches the metal ob...

THE BIG CRASH

It is the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the centre of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, miraculously neither driver is hurt.

They both get out. One is a doctor, one is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the ...

Ugly scenes

Ugly scenes in centre of Leicester this evening

An 'anti Trump' protestor threw a traffic cone, narrowly missing US President by 5802 miles

A Lada owner comes to Mercedes service

A few years after the collapse of USSR a poor Russian bloke brings his old Lada to a recently opened Mercedes service centre. He takes all of his savings from the pocket, around $100, and tells them that he would love to have some genuine Mercedes parts installed in his Lada. He knows he can't affor...

A chicken walks into a library

He goes up to the librarian and says "bok", so the librarian gives him a book, which he takes away.

The next day the chicken returns to the library and, returning the previous book, says "bok bok". So the librarian gives him two books, and the chicken goes off on his merry way again.
...

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