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Treatment Jokes

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BREAKING NEWS! Viagra as treatment for sunburns...

It doesn't cure it but it sure keeps the sheets off of your legs at night...

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Silicone Treatment:

The breasts that money can buy.

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This is my absolute favorite "so bad it's good" joke

A man went to the doctor with a horrible itch in his ass. After an examination, the doctor gave him his diagnosis:

\- You have an enormous tapeworm in there. This is not a matter of normal treatment, so my advice to you is to insert a boiled egg in your anus followed by a gummy bear. Call me ...

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A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat.

The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while taking out his water bottle from his school bag. Once he got close...

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside reading 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

My chiropractor and I got into a terrible fight in the middle of my neck treatment.

Now I have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.

There's a new skin treatment where expensive shoe leather is used to scrub and remove a layer of dead skin

It's called a Jordan peel

There's going to be a big, new multi-building back pain treatment center here soon.

A Thoracic Park, if you will.
I'll see myself out now.

A new strain of head lice has been discovered which is resistant to conventional treatments.

That has left scientists scratching their heads.

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Intestinal worm-- long. Very long.

Man has horrible abdominal pain and weight loss. The wife finally convinces him to see a doctor.
He's diagnosed with an intestinal worm and is given treatments but it doesn't work. He sees several more doctors who all diagnose the same thing, an intestinal worm, but none of the treatments are w...

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A priest dies and goes to Heaven

As he’s waiting for his turn at the pearly gates, he notices a sign saying that each individual’s experience in eternity will depend on how they have impacted people’s lives on Earth. This sight pleases him as his occupation is highly regarded in the Christian faith, so the pinnacle of heavenly blis...

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One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel. "Hello, I want a single room for the night please." "Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key

The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed. At about 2 0'clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide under the covers. When he realizes what is going on, he starts screwing both of them. He can't believe what's happening. Next morning, still surprised by la...

What's a box of Kleenex favourite spa treatment?

Deep tissue massage

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My ex has some problem with her vagina and has to go to a city in France to get treatment

Its Toulouse.

An employee at the local grocery store was primarily responsible for keeping frozen goods well stocked.

At first, he only had a few items to manage, such as bagged ice, frozen pizza, and ice cream. However, as time went by, he found that his daily "to do" list from management was getting longer and longer, sometimes even including things outside the frozen section. At his breaking point, he went to hi...

Pepito was the dumbest kid in his classroom…

Pepito wasn’t a very bright kid. He often failed his tests and annoyed his teachers. One day, his teacher, Ms.Emily, told him he had one last chance to do well. Pepito took a test, but inevitable failed. Ms.Emily expelled him from school and told him he was the dumbest kid she had ever met. She made...

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I asked my wife to talk to her doctor about a treatment that would make her more interested in sex...

...she came home and dropped a prescription bottle of diet pills on my lap with MY name on it.

Bridge to Hawaii

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly, the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime...

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A man goes to the doctor because he can't keep his food down…

"I don't know why, Doc, but every time I eat something it just comes back up a little while later!"

The doctor examines him, and then says "I think you may be a good candidate for this experimental treatment I'm developing, if you're willing."

"At this point, I'm willing to try anythin...

Honeymoon

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.

A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage

Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man.
We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the can...

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New Treatment For Sunburn!

A guy visiting over here in Puerto Rico fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the sever...

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Szechuan STD

Guy goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I've been having a bit of trouble urinating and it's getting sore, more sore every day."

Doctor told him to undress and lie on the bench. So he did, and the doctor came back, examined him and shook his head. "You been to China recently?"

"Well, y...

Why do psychiatrists give their patients shock treatment?

To prepare them for the bill

If there was a bipartisan push in Congress to legalize medical marijuana for arthritis treatment...

there would be joint support for joint support for joint support.

A group of dwarves get jobs as coal miners

After a week or so, one of the workers really stood out and was getting special treatment from the supervisor, Moe. The other dwarves complained to HR and threatened to go on strike.
The supervisor was called into the office and reprimanded. He explained that he was only trying to keep the harde...

PresidentTrump is completely right about coronavirus treatment.

If you eat chloroquine phosphate, drink a pint of Chlorox, shoot-up rubbing alcohol, shove a flashlight up your ass, and crash on a tanning bed, you will never get Covid-19.

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Guys without balls applies for a job

"You're hired! Report tomorrow at 8am"
\- Thanks! There's just one detail I'd like you to know about me. I lost my balls during the war. But I can otherwise function perfectly fine.
"Ah ok, then you can come tomorrow at 9am"
\- Sir, I appreciate the consideration, but I do not expect ...

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Three psychiatrists are having a drink after work, talking about their newest patients.

The first one says, “My most recent patient works as a telemarketer. She has a lot of hang ups.”

The second one added, “I have a new patient who works at the sewage treatment plant. He’s into a lot of crazy shit.”

The third one is silent, but after some prodding says “We’ll, I can’t ...

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The chicken farmer

A chicken farmer is visited by an official looking person one day. The farmer has no clue who the visitor is. The visitor asks "What do you feed your chicken?"

The honest and innocent farmer says "they just pick worms in the fields and eat whatever seeds and grains and crap they can get hold ...

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The Pope contracts a rare terminal illness.

The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation. After much debate and research, they determined that the only hope to save the Pope's life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the p...

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I recently decided to try taking dewormer for COVID treatment

So far I’m not sure if it’s helping with the COVID but I have stopped dragging my ass on the carpet

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled upon an old lamp.

He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said “OK. OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the 4th time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!

The man sat and thought about it f...

What do you call a fish that provides woodland services, primarily pruning and treatments to preserve old or damaged trees.

A tree sturgeon

What do you call an avocado that's giving you the silent treatment?

An Incommunicado

A joke I made up last night. Quarantine's really getting to me

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My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture.

Wow thanks I'm cured.

The catholic church has recently been critisized for it's treatment of women

They said it was a nun issue.

What do you call a fish looking for cancer treatment.

Finding chemo.

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Get your treatment for $500. If not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor Young (who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans
about medicine) thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000
so he went to Dr. Geeze...

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The White House has announced that they are recruiting volunteers for phase three clinical trials of Clorox as a treatment for COVID-19. There are only two prerequisites for participants...

The participants must be at least 18 years old, and must be registered Democrats.

A marine biologist walks into the post office

A marine biologist walks into the post office and says he needs to send a large tank overnight. The postal worker asks for the dimensions of the tank and when the biologist gives them to him the postal worker says, "We can't send a tank that big overnight. It'll have to go by freight train."

...

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What's a treatment for viagra overdose and also a software company?

Ubisoft.

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A man complained to his friend

A man complained to his friend "My elbow hurts I better go to the doctor." "Don't do that," volunteered his friend "there's a new computer at the drug store that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer wi...

BREAKING: North Korea announces breakthrough 100% effective COVID-19 treatment

Sources report the new treatment involves injecting a bullet into the forehead of people infected with the virus.

A man finds an old brass lamp on the beach (long).

It’s very sandy, so he picks it up and rubs it.
Wouldn’t you know, it starts to emit a plume of multicolored smoke and a djinni appears.
The djinni says “For freeing me from this lamp I offer you 3 w…”
The man cuts him off “I know, I know, 3 wishes! My first wish is to have $200 billion dol...

I'm going to start a treatment center for children with epilepsy

I'll call it little seizures.

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I went to my doctor to see about scabs from masturbating all the time and if there was a treatment. He said I needed to stop masturbating immediately. I asked him "why?"

"Because I'm trying to examine you."

Fear

Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep.
Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try s...

I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family.

They criticized everything she did, mocked her heritage and gave her a psychiatric disorder.

I guess I shouldn't have insisted on the royal treatment.

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A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm."

"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it."

The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie."

The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later w...

Mud treatment is good for the skin....

...but I saw a sign the other day saying "Sewage Treatment Works". Trust me, it doesn't.

A new doctor with unique treatment methods gets appointed in a mental asylum

He decides to test 3 random patients to evaluate how unstable they are. If they pass the evaluation they can go home else face rigorous treatment.

For the test he calls their concerned relatives and takes them to a deep swimming pool without water. He then puts a drop of water into the pool....

What did Wolverine use to cut down trees before he got the adamantium treatment?

He used a huge axe, man.

I hear The Beatles influenced the COVID19 treatment policy at Italian hospitals...

Live... Let Die... Live... Let Die...

A Jewish joke updated for modern times

Pastor Jackson and his secretary were sitting in a coffeehouse in Washington DC in 2022. "Pastor Jackson," said his secretary, "I notice you're reading Fox News! I can't understand why. A Black libel website! Are you some kind of masochist, or, God forbid, a self-hating Black person?"

"On the...

A man and his wife get into a fight and decide to give each other the silent treatment.

The husband turns out to be a deep sleeper and often relies on his wife to wake him up in time for work.

He realizes he needs her to help wake up, but is unwilling to reconcile differences.
At 8pm, he writes a note saying "Honey, please wake me up at 7 am, I need to get up early for work t...

Electric shock treatment for my BDSM addiction?

Yes, Please!

Woman goes to see a doctor about her bed wetting problem

Doctors listens to her, nods sagely where appropriate and then tells her to strip. Woman is a bit confused but does as instructed. While she is undressing doctor places a big mirror on the floor and then tells woman to do a headstand over it. Even more confused woman does as instructed, figuring doc...

What do you call it when someone rebels against their diabetes treatment?

Insulince.

My wife gave me the silent treatment for a week...

It ended when I told her "We've been getting along really well lately".

My LASIK doctor said that if I get 2000 upvotes on this post I'll get free treatment.

Upvote for visibility.

What’s the best anti-aging treatment?

Anti-vax.

Everyone is debated capital punishment nowadays talking about lethal injection and humane treatment. Me, I think we should just shoot them in the head...

Seems like a no-brainer to me

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

A man, at a routine checkup, is diagnosed with terminal brain cancer.

Doctor: I'm sorry. At this stage, the cancer has spread too far for us to stop. Our treatments will only postpone the inevitable.

Patient: Doc, please! Isn't there anything- anything at all- that you can do?

Doctor: Well... there is one thing. I don't know if it'll help, though.
...

What do you call a doctor who specializes in the study or treatment of hearts for traveling carnival employees?

A Carniologist

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One day people will land on Mars. Search for the rover, dust him off and give it the treatment it deserves.

A robo bro blow job.

What is marriage like?

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "My son is almost grown up now. Over the weekend he asked me what marriage is like," he tells the bartender. "So, what did you tell him?" the bartender asks. "I told him, 'It's fine.' And then I gave him the silent treatment for three days."

Stranger: Good morning, Doctor. I just dropped in to tell you how much I benefited from your treatment.

Doctor: But you’re not one of my patients

Stranger: I know. But my Uncle Bill was, and I’m his heir.

I quit my job at the radioactive waste treatment plant.

It had a toxic work environment.

It seems like every week there's another headline about scientists finding a promising treatment that cures cancer in mice.

If these guys worked on curing cancer in humans instead we'd probably have it licked by now.

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During WWII, an Australian, a British and an American P.O.W. are forcibly recruited by a brilliant Nazi scientist to undergo an experimental treatment…

The purpose of the experiment is to create human time-keeping machines. They are each placed in separate rooms and subjected to intense brainwashing. After a week of treatment, the scientist comes to inspect on their progress.

He first looks in on the Australian soldier. Staring blankly ahea...

Yesterday, I got a facial cosmetic treatment in Boston.

It was more than a peeling.

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I've been having treatment for premature ejaculation.

I'm getting better now, but it was touch and go for a while.

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i bought a penis enlargement treatment on Amazon

just haven't figured out how the magnifying glass is supposed to help.

Some religious people believe that serious illnesses such as cancer do not require medical treatment,

and can be cured by the power of prayer alone.

Sceptics may chuckle, but there is a scientific basis for this kind of thinking.

It's called natural selection.

I tried to sue a company that sold me an erectile dysfunction treatment that didn’t work

But the evidence wouldn’t stand up in court.

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What's Hitler's favorite spa treatment?

Ethnic cleansing

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A woman goes to a doctor looking for anti-wrinkle treatment...

After finally making it to the office of a renowned dermatologist, she is disappointed to find that there is nothing to help her wrinkles.

"Well..." says the doctor. "There is a new type of treatment being developed. Essentially, we put a tiny knob on the back of your head and twist it, pulli...

What do you call a medical treatment based on lemons?

Lemonade.

I'm thinking of setting up a comedy group to help people going through cancer treatment

I'll call it 'A Sense of Tumor'

Anti Sleep Treatment

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be abl...

My Friend Smuggled a Sick Eagle Across The Border So It Can Get Treatment

It's an ill-eagle.

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Farmer John and his bull

There was this farmer, Farmer John, who had a prize-winning bull.
Unfortunately, at the beginning of the breeding season, the bull had no interest in mating. Couldn't get it up at all.

Farmer John called Bill the veterinarian to come out and look at the bull. Bill checked the bull all over...

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Where did the chronic masturbator go for treatment?

The stroke center

A woman takes her car to a local workshop.

"I've driven this for around 15,000 km, I feel like it needs an oil change now", says the woman.

The workers start laughing and tell her to get out of there. Feeling upset by the treatment she received, she took her Tesla to another workshop hoping that she would receive better responses ther...

Three Engineers are eating lunch together and arguing.

The mechanical engineer is adamant that God must be a mechanical engineer because the human body is so well designed. The software engineer is just as sure that God must be a software engineer as the human mind is the most sophisticated software in the known universe. Suddenly they stop arguing and ...

Silent Treatment [Long]

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finall...

After developing erectile dysfunction, a man tries all the medically recognised treatment...

Pharmaceuticals, change in diet etc. Nothing worked. At the end of his rope, he gives a medicine man a try. The medicine man gives him a natural remedy and tells him, "When you're ready for it to take effect, say, '1,2,3'. When you're done, say, '1,2,3,4'."
The medicine man assured him it would w...

Isolation can be a serious problem for astronauts, I'm sure modern medicine has an effective treatment for these problems.

Just give the astronauts a capsule.

10 unbelievable therapy treatments!

Number 5 will shock you.

Military Hospital Treatment

An army major visits the field hospital, and speaks to some of the patients:

"What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Syphilis, Sir"

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir."

"What's your ambition?"

"To get back to the fron...

Treatment

A caring husband asks the doctor: "How will my wife fair after the treatment?" Doctor replies: "Relax, you will have a brand new wife after I'll finish my job". "Ow God, I hope my old wife dosen't find out."

I hate looking for window treatment advice at the hardware store...

They always send me a blind guy.

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A doctor was running a final test to determine whether the treatment for his psychiatric patients works or not

So the doctor brought the 3 patients to an empty pool and asks all of them to jump into the pool.

The first one without hesitate jumped and landed face first thus considered fail.

The second one took a step back, and looked at the doctor, and he said 'doc I cant swim, I might drown'. T...

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The Lemon Cookie

A man has been feeling sick so he goes to see a doctor and the doctor diagnosed him as having a tapeworm.

The man is distraught, but the doctor tells him about a new experimental treatment for tapeworms. It doesn’t require any surgery, it’s completely outpatient, and it only take four days. <...

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