UPJOKE
carecuremedicationhealththerapeuticinterventionremedytherapymedicalrehabilitationmedicationsmedicinedrugabusediscussion

Treatment Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BREAKING NEWS! Viagra as treatment for sunburns...

It doesn't cure it but it sure keeps the sheets off of your legs at night...

A new strain of head lice has been discovered which is resistant to conventional treatments.

That has left scientists scratching their heads.

A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

PresidentTrump is completely right about coronavirus treatment.

If you eat chloroquine phosphate, drink a pint of Chlorox, shoot-up rubbing alcohol, shove a flashlight up your ass, and crash on a tanning bed, you will never get Covid-19.

If there was a bipartisan push in Congress to legalize medical marijuana for arthritis treatment...

there would be joint support for joint support for joint support.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is my absolute favorite "so bad it's good" joke

A man went to the doctor with a horrible itch in his ass. After an examination, the doctor gave him his diagnosis:

\- You have an enormous tapeworm in there. This is not a matter of normal treatment, so my advice to you is to insert a boiled egg in your anus followed by a gummy bear. Call me ...

My chiropractor and I got into a terrible fight in the middle of my neck treatment.

Now I have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Silicone Treatment:

The breasts that money can buy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman goes to a doctor looking for anti-wrinkle treatment...

After finally making it to the office of a renowned dermatologist, she is disappointed to find that there is nothing to help her wrinkles.

"Well..." says the doctor. "There is a new type of treatment being developed. Essentially, we put a tiny knob on the back of your head and twist it, pulli...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For the longest time scientists believed in a treatment for ED.

But until Viagra came along, there was no hard evidence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New Treatment For Sunburn!

A guy visiting over here in Puerto Rico fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the sever...

I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family.

They criticized everything she did, mocked her heritage and gave her a psychiatric disorder.

I guess I shouldn't have insisted on the royal treatment.

What's a box of Kleenex favourite spa treatment?

Deep tissue massage

Why do psychiatrists give their patients shock treatment?

To prepare them for the bill

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm."

"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it."

The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie."

The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later w...

What do you call a fish looking for cancer treatment.

Finding chemo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Intestinal worm-- long. Very long.

Man has horrible abdominal pain and weight loss. The wife finally convinces him to see a doctor.
He's diagnosed with an intestinal worm and is given treatments but it doesn't work. He sees several more doctors who all diagnose the same thing, an intestinal worm, but none of the treatments are w...

There's going to be a big, new multi-building back pain treatment center here soon.

A Thoracic Park, if you will.
I'll see myself out now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex has some problem with her vagina and has to go to a city in France to get treatment

Its Toulouse.

My wife gave me the silent treatment for a week...

It ended when I told her "We've been getting along really well lately".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I recently decided to try taking dewormer for COVID treatment

So far I’m not sure if it’s helping with the COVID but I have stopped dragging my ass on the carpet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture.

Wow thanks I'm cured.

There's a new skin treatment where expensive shoe leather is used to scrub and remove a layer of dead skin

It's called a Jordan peel

Mud treatment is good for the skin....

...but I saw a sign the other day saying "Sewage Treatment Works". Trust me, it doesn't.

What kind of treatment does Pikachu seek when he gets cancer?

Pokemotherapy

The catholic church has recently been critisized for it's treatment of women

They said it was a nun issue.

Electric shock treatment for my BDSM addiction?

Yes, Please!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anti-balding treatment

-Hey Bill, what the heck why are you wearing those ugly ass granny panties on your head?

-Well, John. I’ve seen a lot of hair growth happening for my wife ever since she started wearing these things.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's a treatment for viagra overdose and also a software company?

Ubisoft.

Treatment

A caring husband asks the doctor: "How will my wife fair after the treatment?" Doctor replies: "Relax, you will have a brand new wife after I'll finish my job". "Ow God, I hope my old wife dosen't find out."

What do you call an avocado that's giving you the silent treatment?

An Incommunicado

A joke I made up last night. Quarantine's really getting to me

Anti Sleep Treatment

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be abl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my wife to talk to her doctor about a treatment that would make her more interested in sex...

...she came home and dropped a prescription bottle of diet pills on my lap with MY name on it.

BREAKING: North Korea announces breakthrough 100% effective COVID-19 treatment

Sources report the new treatment involves injecting a bullet into the forehead of people infected with the virus.

Military Hospital Treatment

An army major visits the field hospital, and speaks to some of the patients:

"What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Syphilis, Sir"

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir."

"What's your ambition?"

"To get back to the fron...

What’s the best anti-aging treatment?

Anti-vax.

Doctor says Trump's Covid-19 treatment can cause Psychosis and Mania

In other words, the treatment is meant to get him back to normal.

Silent Treatment [Long]

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finall...

I'm going to start a treatment center for children with epilepsy

I'll call it little seizures.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been having treatment for premature ejaculation.

I'm getting better now, but it was touch and go for a while.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's Hitler's favorite spa treatment?

Ethnic cleansing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

i bought a penis enlargement treatment on Amazon

just haven't figured out how the magnifying glass is supposed to help.

10 unbelievable therapy treatments!

Number 5 will shock you.

Yesterday, I got a facial cosmetic treatment in Boston.

It was more than a peeling.

I hear The Beatles influenced the COVID19 treatment policy at Italian hospitals...

Live... Let Die... Live... Let Die...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pope contracts a rare terminal illness.

The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation. After much debate and research, they determined that the only hope to save the Pope's life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the p...

Testosterone treatment

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side-effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor, the hormones you’ve been giving me have really helped, but I`m afraid that you’re giv...

What do you call it when someone rebels against their diabetes treatment?

Insulince.

A new doctor with unique treatment methods gets appointed in a mental asylum

He decides to test 3 random patients to evaluate how unstable they are. If they pass the evaluation they can go home else face rigorous treatment.

For the test he calls their concerned relatives and takes them to a deep swimming pool without water. He then puts a drop of water into the pool....

My LASIK doctor said that if I get 2000 upvotes on this post I'll get free treatment.

Upvote for visibility.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Where did the chronic masturbator go for treatment?

The stroke center

I quit my job at the radioactive waste treatment plant.

It had a toxic work environment.

What do you call a fish that provides woodland services, primarily pruning and treatments to preserve old or damaged trees.

A tree sturgeon

What did Wolverine use to cut down trees before he got the adamantium treatment?

He used a huge axe, man.

Woman goes to see a doctor about her bed wetting problem

Doctors listens to her, nods sagely where appropriate and then tells her to strip. Woman is a bit confused but does as instructed. While she is undressing doctor places a big mirror on the floor and then tells woman to do a headstand over it. Even more confused woman does as instructed, figuring doc...

What do you call a medical treatment based on lemons?

Lemonade.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chronic headaches treatment

A man visits a doctor about chronic headaches. The doctor prescribes some medication, and says to the man: "Stress is the source of your headaches. Myself, I do have a lot of stress, and there's nothing better than sex with my wife. [laughing]". Finally, the doc schedules the man for a checkup visit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried erotic suffocation on the wife the other night when we were having sex.

She obviously didn't like it. She's been lying there for 5 days now giving me the silent treatment!!

Why shouldn't you protest wound treatment?

It won't get better if you picket it.

A man and his wife get into a fight and decide to give each other the silent treatment.

The husband turns out to be a deep sleeper and often relies on his wife to wake him up in time for work.

He realizes he needs her to help wake up, but is unwilling to reconcile differences.
At 8pm, he writes a note saying "Honey, please wake me up at 7 am, I need to get up early for work t...

A man finds an old brass lamp on the beach (long).

It’s very sandy, so he picks it up and rubs it.
Wouldn’t you know, it starts to emit a plume of multicolored smoke and a djinni appears.
The djinni says “For freeing me from this lamp I offer you 3 w…”
The man cuts him off “I know, I know, 3 wishes! My first wish is to have $200 billion dol...

My Friend Smuggled a Sick Eagle Across The Border So It Can Get Treatment

It's an ill-eagle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel. "Hello, I want a single room for the night please." "Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key

The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed. At about 2 0'clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide under the covers. When he realizes what is going on, he starts screwing both of them. He can't believe what's happening. Next morning, still surprised by la...

I'm thinking of setting up a comedy group to help people going through cancer treatment

I'll call it 'A Sense of Tumor'

Whats the difference between a redditor and a garbage treatment plant?

The redditor smells worse, but has a higher recycling efficiency.

Some religious people believe that serious illnesses such as cancer do not require medical treatment,

and can be cured by the power of prayer alone.

Sceptics may chuckle, but there is a scientific basis for this kind of thinking.

It's called natural selection.

I hate looking for window treatment advice at the hardware store...

They always send me a blind guy.

After developing erectile dysfunction, a man tries all the medically recognised treatment...

Pharmaceuticals, change in diet etc. Nothing worked. At the end of his rope, he gives a medicine man a try. The medicine man gives him a natural remedy and tells him, "When you're ready for it to take effect, say, '1,2,3'. When you're done, say, '1,2,3,4'."
The medicine man assured him it would w...

Stranger: Good morning, Doctor. I just dropped in to tell you how much I benefited from your treatment.

Doctor: But you’re not one of my patients

Stranger: I know. But my Uncle Bill was, and I’m his heir.

A joke my Dad told me that I never understood when I was a child.

A man walking along a California beach is deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, Grant me one wish."

The sunny Californian sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish"<...

I called an old school friend and asked what he was doing now.

He replied that he was currently working on:

\*Aqua-thermal treatment on ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment\*

I was impressed......

On further enquiry, I learnt that he was washing dishes, with hot water under his wife's supervision.

I tried to sue a company that sold me an erectile dysfunction treatment that didn’t work

But the evidence wouldn’t stand up in court.

Why did Angela Merkel ban use of crabgrass lawn treatments?

She was told they would stop the "German nation"

A man goes to the doctor, he's visibly losing hair.

He says to the doctor, "I've spent months trying to grow my hair back, trying so many different treatments, but nothing has worked." The doctor says, "Well, it sounds a bit weird but, I suggest you rub the top of your head against your wife's private area once a night." The man does so, and a month ...

Once there was an inflatable boy.

He lived in his inflatable house with his inflatable parents, and every morning when the inflatable clock struck seven, he would come down the inflatable stairs and eat his breakfast at the inflatable table, then go and catch the inflatable bus to his inflatable school.

But one day for some r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The White House has announced that they are recruiting volunteers for phase three clinical trials of Clorox as a treatment for COVID-19. There are only two prerequisites for participants...

The participants must be at least 18 years old, and must be registered Democrats.

It seems like every week there's another headline about scientists finding a promising treatment that cures cancer in mice.

If these guys worked on curing cancer in humans instead we'd probably have it licked by now.

Where do taxi drivers with bad skin go for treatment?

The Taxi Dermist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day people will land on Mars. Search for the rover, dust him off and give it the treatment it deserves.

A robo bro blow job.

Isolation can be a serious problem for astronauts, I'm sure modern medicine has an effective treatment for these problems.

Just give the astronauts a capsule.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During WWII, an Australian, a British and an American P.O.W. are forcibly recruited by a brilliant Nazi scientist to undergo an experimental treatment…

The purpose of the experiment is to create human time-keeping machines. They are each placed in separate rooms and subjected to intense brainwashing. After a week of treatment, the scientist comes to inspect on their progress.

He first looks in on the Australian soldier. Staring blankly ahea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to my doctor to see about scabs from masturbating all the time and if there was a treatment. He said I needed to stop masturbating immediately. I asked him "why?"

"Because I'm trying to examine you."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor was running a final test to determine whether the treatment for his psychiatric patients works or not

So the doctor brought the 3 patients to an empty pool and asks all of them to jump into the pool.

The first one without hesitate jumped and landed face first thus considered fail.

The second one took a step back, and looked at the doctor, and he said 'doc I cant swim, I might drown'. T...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man had painful spots on his penis.

He went to the doctor to get treatment.

The doctor said,"I have bad news. The treatment costs $10,000. I will need to cut off your penis."

The man was shocked at the news. It was too expensive and he didn't want his penis cut off, so he went to China to seek treatment.

Once h...

Everyone is debated capital punishment nowadays talking about lethal injection and humane treatment. Me, I think we should just shoot them in the head...

Seems like a no-brainer to me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man complained to his friend

A man complained to his friend "My elbow hurts I better go to the doctor." "Don't do that," volunteered his friend "there's a new computer at the drug store that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer wi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tourist returns back home

A tourist travels all over Asia and has unprotected sex wherever he goes. A few days after he returns back to America he notices that his penis is covered with green and purple spots. Alarmed, he immediately visits a doctor.

'Oh boy, that's obviously the infamous 'Mongolian Spotty Dick Syndro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[True Story] When I worked at a Residential Treatment Center for Children a boy once said to me...

"I have to fuck-en pee!"

I said, "Well, pick one and do it!"


^that ^was ^funnier ^to ^me ^when ^it ^happened

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walked into his doctor's office...

...complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor made a physical examination and listened to the symptoms, and concurred with the self-diagnosis.

"I want you to come back tomorrow to start treatment. And bring an apple, and an orange and a Mars Bar" said the doctor.

D...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to the doctor complaining about erectile dysfunction...

A man went to the doctor and told him that he was having trouble maintaining an erection. After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.

However, he knew of an exp...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guys without balls applies for a job

"You're hired! Report tomorrow at 8am"
\- Thanks! There's just one detail I'd like you to know about me. I lost my balls during the war. But I can otherwise function perfectly fine.
"Ah ok, then you can come tomorrow at 9am"
\- Sir, I appreciate the consideration, but I do not expect ...

Pepito was the dumbest kid in his classroom…

Pepito wasn’t a very bright kid. He often failed his tests and annoyed his teachers. One day, his teacher, Ms.Emily, told him he had one last chance to do well. Pepito took a test, but inevitable failed. Ms.Emily expelled him from school and told him he was the dumbest kid she had ever met. She made...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest dies and goes to Heaven

As he’s waiting for his turn at the pearly gates, he notices a sign saying that each individual’s experience in eternity will depend on how they have impacted people’s lives on Earth. This sight pleases him as his occupation is highly regarded in the Christian faith, so the pinnacle of heavenly blis...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Szechuan STD

Guy goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I've been having a bit of trouble urinating and it's getting sore, more sore every day."

Doctor told him to undress and lie on the bench. So he did, and the doctor came back, examined him and shook his head. "You been to China recently?"

"Well, y...

My son asked what marriage was like.

I said, "It's fine." And gave him the silent treatment for three days.

An old man and his son loved to do the gardening together.

There was an old man who loved doing the gardening with his son, every week they would get together and do the gardening.

One day the dad is diagnosed with lung cancer, not got long left to live. So the son decides that to raise money to pay for treatment he starts to sell drugs. Weed meth co...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man takes a vacation in Bangkok

While he is there, he is approached by a"bar girl". She is beautiful and the price is too low to turn down, so the man agrees to the "$2 special"
Back home in America a couple weeks later, the man is peeing and to his horror, he sees his penis has turned green! He immediately schedules an appoint...

A group of dwarves get jobs as coal miners

After a week or so, one of the workers really stood out and was getting special treatment from the supervisor, Moe. The other dwarves complained to HR and threatened to go on strike.
The supervisor was called into the office and reprimanded. He explained that he was only trying to keep the harde...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.