If I ever find the surgeon who screwed up my transplant I'll kill him...

With my bear hands

The surgeon tells a patient who needs a heart transplant, "You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?"

The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."

What did one french surgeon say to the other one evening?

“Bonesaw!”

I'm training to be an anaesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon "Can I practice on my self first?"

He said "Sure, knock yourself out!"

A surgeon, an engineer, and a politician are debating over whose profession was the first established on the Earth.

A surgeon, an engineer, and a politician are debating over whose profession was the first established on the Earth.

"According to the Bible," says the surgeon, "God took a rib from Adam to make Eve. That's a surgeon's job, so we were first."

"But before that, the Bible says God create...

Meeting with the eye surgeon is such a scam, I paid over $500 just for the consultation!

And I still don't know who I'm seeing.

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Five surgeons are discussing who the best patients are to operate on.

The first surgeon said, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside them are numbered."

The second responded, "You should try electricians! Everything inside them are color coded."

The third surgeon said, "I really think libraria...

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A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins just performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replaced the missing lids with the harvested tissue. The boy's new eyelids work almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection won't be a problem.

When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed.

Why do cardiac surgeons make the best public speakers?

Nobody else can touch as many hearts as them.

Bad news /good news surgeon

As I was laying in my hospital bed, freshly out of anesthesia the surgeon looked at me and said :
- I have a bad news and a good one to tell you!
-what's the bad news?
-your disease was beyond healing, you'll have just few weeks left to live!
-(sobbing) and the good news?
-My daughte...

I lost my job as a surgeon.

Apparently, I shouldn't have left unfinished work over the weekend.

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A plastic surgeon and a tattoo artist made a deal, where the surgeon did a breast enhancement operation for free for the tattoo artist, and in return she promised to tattoo the surgeon for free

Tit for tat

Doctor Frankenstein created life, via great skill with a surgeon's knife. Igor loved to say, an easier way,

Would have been knocking boots with his wife.

"You just need to relax Steve, it's just a minor surgery, it happens everyday with no issues" the surgeon said

The patient replies "But my name isn't Steve"

Nervously, the surgeon replies "But my name is"

Why do surgeons get so rich?

They always make their cut.

What did the eye surgeon say after his first surgery?

-Well, that was an eye opening experience.

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A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled

The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man.

“No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

“I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!” ...

My wife just gave birth and she’s over the moon! I,on the other hand, plan to sue the surgeon who did my vasectomy.

Not once did he mention that a mixed race baby was a possible side effect!

I met a surgeon who operated on ears, noses and oaks

He was an E.N.Tree surgeon

A surgeon is planning on marrying his girlfriend, but her father refuses to allow him to do so.

After months of persuasion, the surgeon has gotten no-where closer to getting married, even though he’s done nothing to upset his girlfriend’s father.

But one day while at his normal job at the hospital, the surgeon receives news that the father is on his way to the hospital in an ambulance,...

What's the difference between God and a surgeon?

God knows that he's not a surgeon.

I went to the eye surgeon the other day and you won't guess who i bumped into.

Everyone!

A 50 year old guy goes to a surgeon to make himself look younger

The surgeon completes the surgery and it is a success.

"How do I look?" the man asks.

"You look 30 years young!" the surgeon replies.

The next day, the man goes to the gas station to fuel up and asks the cashier:

"Excuse me sir, how old do I look?"

The cashier resp...

A successful, but pompous surgeon rose to make an after-dinner speech. "We doctors have many enemies in this world."

As he paused the woman on his left said in a whisper, "Oh, but far more in the next!"

Being a plastic surgeon must be hard...

Not even a familiar face to keep you company

What do you call a tree surgeon who makes good coffee?

An arborista.

A famous heart surgeon died and everyone was gathered at his funeral.

A coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone had paid their respects, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him said, c...

A woman brought a very limp duck to a veterinary surgeon...

A woman brought a very limp duck to a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, Ma’am, but your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”

The distr...

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A woman wants a facelift and her surgeon tells her about a new procedure

"We put a dial in the back of your head and when your skin starts to sag you simply turn the knob."

"That sounds good," she says.

Two years later, she goes back and tells the surgeon that the dial is giving her bags under her eyes.

"I'm sorry," replies the surgeon, "but those ar...

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a motorcycle when he spotted a well known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hand...

The surgeon and his wife.

Heard this in the OR today during surgery.

A middle aged surgeon and his wife are walking along a sandy beach, when they notice a brass lamp protruding from then ground.
The wife picks it up and a genie immediately spouts forth from the lamp. "You each may have 3 wishes", the genie says....

I was at a party and there was a big bowl of mixed alcohol and fruit juice, with a long line of brain surgeons, rocket scientists, and Nobel prize winners all queuing up to drink it...

...I thought what a great punch line.

A puffer fish went to a surgeon because his puffer mechanism wasn’t working right.

When he got back he talked with his fish friends for a bit.

They asked him, “How did your surgery go? Did they fix your puffer?”

He replied, “It went *swell*.”

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A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank.

Suddenly, armed men storm in and try to rob the bank. A shootout occurs and the woman is hit by bullets several times.

Shortly after, the woman is brought to the hospital and gets emergency surgery. The surgeon is able to remove all bullets except three due to endangerment to the triplets. ...

Did you hear about the surgeon who accidentally swapped his tools with the hospital handyman’s?

His last surgery was gut wrenching.

A surgeon fails an eye surgery

No one bats an eye.
A surgeon fails a brain surgery
and everybody loses their minds

Right before surgery the surgeon says: "Relax, Jim. It's just a small scalpel incision. No reason to panic."

The patient replies: "But, Doctor, my name is not Jim." The surgeon says: "I know. I'm Jim."

I went to see if my laser eye surgeon was any good

I don’t see any problems now

A surgeon cut off the wrong leg at my hospital today!!!

The orthopedic surgeon at the local hospital I work at accidentally cut off the wrong leg of an infected diabetic patient. After he realized he cut off the wrong leg he couldn't leave the the other infected leg attached. So he had all of the administration and attorneys meet him in the operating ro...

I'm a surgeon/mailman

Overall I do a lot of de-livering

Bill Cosby and a surgeon have a lot in common

For example, they both want the person that they are inside to be unconscious

I'm concerned about my surgeon...

Not only is he quick to anger, be he's known to lose his patients.

A man walks into a plastic surgeons office. He asks the doctor "S-s-sir m-m-my d-d-dick i-is t-t-too l-l-l-long."

The doctor replies, "Well how is that?"

So the man says, "W-w-well its s-s-so l-l-long that i-i-it p-p-pulls on my t-t-tongue a-a-and it g-g-gives me t-t-this s-s-stutter m-m-man!"

The doctor replies, "Oh I see, so I can schedule an appointment and were going to take out this part righ...

I wasn’t sure my surgeons could handle my hepatectomy...

But they really de-livered.

Man circumcised by mistake when surgeons confused him for another patient’

Guess this is what they mean by undesirable cutbacks in the NHS.

Surgeon: "Stay calm John, it's just a little cut with a scalpel, no need to be nervous."

Patient: "Thanks Doc, but I'm not John"

Surgeon: "I know, I am"

Today I learned where plastic surgeons get new noses for their patients...

At the olfactory.

Three surgeons was meeting for a drink...

... Here they ended up talking shop, and the first proclaimed:

"The easiest patients to operate on, are accountants! All their organs are numbered."


The second surgeon did dissagree:

"I think the easiest patients to operate on, are painters! All their organs got different co...

When did the dentist become a brain surgeon?

When he dropped the drill.

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A young woman gave birth to a healthy baby boy. Unfortunately he was born without eyelids.

The doctor called a plastic surgeon who was able to take the boys foreskin and make them into eyelids. Baby is going to be fine just going to be a little cockeyed.

I was a surgeon with bad punctuation

I got fired for leaving out a colon

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When the surgeon came to see his young female patient on the day after her operation, she was slightly embarrassed.

So the doctor she asked, "What's wrong?"

"Well this is a bit embarrassing for me, but just how long will it be before I can resume my normal sex life?"

"Uh," stammered the doctor, as he thought pensively.

"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it," replied the stunned surgeon.
...

A conservative cardiovascular surgeon walked out of the OR today.

"I'm sick and tired of these bleeding heart liberals!" He proclaimed. The patient promptly died.

Did you hear about the surgeon who branded his initials on a patient's organ?

Apparently it was an inside joke

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Where do plastic surgeons shop at before a boob job?

Breast Buy

The patient said to the Brain-surgeon.

I can't seem to get you out of my mind.

Poorly paid UK surgeons

Yesterday I found out that NHS surgeons are so poorly paid that they have to resort to crime.

I saw a sign, it said "Thieves operate in this area."

What did the surgeon say to the patient who wanted to close up his own incision ?

Suture self

Over a round of golf, two surgeons were talking shop.

"I operated on Mr. Lee the other day," said the surgeon.

"What for?" asked his colleague.

"About $6,000."

"What did he have?"

"About $6,000."

"What did you remove?"

"About $6,000."

A woman steps in front of a bus and dies instantly.

She finds herself at the pearly gates, being greeted by God himself.



He looks the woman up and down, and says "Hm... Strange. It's not your time! I'm sending you back."

"Sending me back? How long until it IS my time?" she asks.

"Worry not, my child. You have many, many m...

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Did you hear about that group of women suing their plastic surgeon for faulty butt implants? Apparently their cheeks wont stop smacking together now...

It's a real ass claption lawsuit.

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A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the wom...

A surgeon, an engineer and a politician

A surgeon, an engineer and a politician started arguing about whose profession was first set up in the world.
Surgeon : " According to the Bible, Eve was made by carving a rib out of Adam. That makes my profession the oldest."
Engineer : " Even before that the world was created out of chaos i...

The only reason I want to be a surgeon is

So I can tell my patients that I looked up a tutorial on YouTube first.

The surgeon general warns, "do not run while smoking marijuana".

It's hard on your joints.

I'm not a surgeon

But I'll take a stab at it anyway.

What do you say after eating out a trans woman?

"Compliments to the Surgeon!"

Did you hear about the hockey player who became a surgeon?

He specialized in bury-hat-trick surgery.

Why did the Skeleton turned down the chance to be a surgeon??

Because it didn't have the stomach for it.

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Pamela Anderson goes to see her plastic surgeon

And asks him if he can be discrete about a surgery.

Of course, he replies, you've been a great client and your privacy is top priority.

She continues, it's just that this next alteration is a bit embarrassing, you see, as I'm aging, things seam to droop and get loose etc, and, well, my...

A cardiac surgeon is picking up his Bentley from an engine repair.

As the owner's mechanic fetches the car, the owner gets to talking with the doctor and says, "You know, engine repair is a lot like open-heart surgery."

"How so?"

"Well, it's the 'heart' of the machine. It's got fuel injectors like veins, an oil pump like an aorta, and pistons that pum...

I once met an anesthesiologist for a brain surgeon.

They said the pay was great, but the work was mind numbing.

After years of saving Saul finally had enough money to get his eye transplant in China

His wife was opposed to the idea on moral grounds. His brother was worried he might lose what little sight he had now. His friends were worried that what he was doing wasn't entirely legal.

He dismissed them all one by one and finally bought his ticket and set off with grim determination. <...

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A self-made millionaire decided that he was lonely and needed to find a mate. So, he organized a bit of a competition for it.

As his search neared the end he narrowed the choices down to four.

One was a doctor. She was a surgeon, made incredible money. She was focused and driven. Because she was so wealthy on her own, he knew she wasn't in it only for the money.

One was a lawyer. Again, a successful professio...

My wife just visited an optical surgeon, so now she doesn’t need to wear glasses.

She called it an eye-opening experience.

A heart surgeon took his car to his local garage for a regular service, where he usually exchanged a little friendly banter with the owner, a skilled but not especially wealthy mechanic.

"So tell me," says the mechanic, "I've been wondering about what we both do for a living, and how much more you get paid than me.."
"Yes?.." says the surgeon.
"Well look at this," says the mechanic, as he worked on a big complicated engine, "I check how it's running, open it up, fix the valves...

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A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size

A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses careful...

Today I learned about Harvey E. Brown, a civil war surgeon who had so many amputations he ran out of fake legs and had to use a shovel.

It was a ground-breaking medical procedure.

Surgeons are terrible in relationships.

They know everyone’s the same on the inside.

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Man sees a plastic surgeon

Unimpressed with his size, he’s looking for a penis transplanted onto him
Dr Says:
-we don’t have such organ available but we have an elephant trunk available from a biologist, we can do an experimental surgery at no cost.
Guy says yes, and they go on with the surgery.
Dr informs him th...

A plastic surgeon applies for a programming position

Because he heard they needed back end development.

You see the story where all of the Orthopaedic surgeons lost their their medical licenses?

it was unorthodocs

Why do brain surgeons begin operations early?

So they can work ahead

I’ve always wanted to become a surgeon

But i wonder if I’ll make the cut.

I’m a Latino nurse and while I was doing my rounds, one of the surgeons burst out of the operating room and told me to help finish the operation. I cut the patient’s organ on the wrong spot but luckily I miscalculated and saved their life. No one thought I could do it and I shocked them all.

Nobody expected the Spanish missed incision.

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A surgeon goes to check on his patient after surgery and he says to her...

"Everything went fine and you'll recover completely."

The young woman asks, "How long will it be before I can have a normal sex life again?"

The surgeon pauses for a while and wipes a small tear from the corner of his eye.

The woman, now alarmed, asks, "What's the matter doctor?...

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Old Buddy Hackett Joke

In a terrible accident a wealthy businessman had his penis torn off. Because of his immense wealth when it came time to repair the area he had the surgeon attach an elephant trunk in place of his penis. He was quite pleased with this and soon his life got back to normal.

The gentleman was at...

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3 surgeons walk into a pub...

...The first claims to be the best surgeon of Texas: "the world's best piano player lost 7 fingers in an accident. I sewed them back on and yesterday, he played a private concert for the queen of England."

The second one answeres: "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and both legs in a...

What did the cardiac surgeon say to his nervous patient?

“Don’t worry, you’ll have a change of heart.”

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A lady goes into hospital for labia reduction surgery...

When she wakes up she finds three cards on her bedside table. The first card is from her the surgeon and says "the surgery was a complete success, get well soon" she says to herself "how nice." The second card is from her husband and says "glad the surgery was a success, love you and get well soon. ...

Two detectives are investigating a crime scene in a plastic surgeons O.R. (Long)

After an initial forensics report they determine cause of death was blood loss.

Detective 1: I’ve seen their sort of procedure before. Good God! I thought they stopped this sort of operation years ago!

Detective 2: what is it? You’ve seen this before!??

Detective 1: oh yes....Ma...

You know what they say about horse surgeons...

They have stable hands.

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What do a plastic surgeon and a chicken farmer have in common?

They both give you big breasts.

Three surgeons are sitting in a bar...

... getting drunk and talking about the great successes in their careers. The first takes a shot and says, 'I had a a patient, a concert pianist. He severed all ten of his fingers in a freak cooking accident with a very sharp knife. I meticulously reattached them, and within a year, he played a conc...

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BANG BANG

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay and the surgeon decides to leave the bullets where they are as it is too risky to operate.

All is fine for 16 years and then one ...

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A middle-aged woman is conscious about the way she looks as she's coming of age...

Especially about the wrinkles that are starting to come out around her face. So she decides to go to the plastic surgeon.

"Doctor doctor, what can you do about these wrinkles?"

"Hmmm, in your case, I'd recommend a very innovative, yet very cheap method. I'll install these two tiny sc...

My gf and I stopped seeing each other.

We intend to sue the eye surgeon next week.

Plastic surgery

I told my family and friends that I’m leaving my job to pursue my lifelong dream of being a plastic surgeon.

That should raise a few eyebrows.

What did the polite surgeon say to the person who was sawed in half?

Mind if I join you?

Did you hear about the surgeon who botched a vasectomy?

he got the sack

Liposuction surgeons hate her! Learn how this woman lost 250 pounds in just one day with ONE easy trick!

She became widowed

A surgeon retires from his long career as a specialist in circumcision.

Throughout his career, he has saved hundreds of foreskins as mementos and now wishes to turn them into a souvenir....
He takes his specimens to a leather smith and asks him to make something out of them.

A week later the surgeon returns and the leather smith presents him with a wallet. "A...

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A famous surgeon...

...is taking patients, one at a time.

First one comes in:

-Doc, I got a problem. I am a professional discus thrower, but recently I lost both my hands in car accident! Help me, Olympic games are just next month!

-Sorry to hear it, but we don't have male hands right now, only f...

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A woman gives birth to a baby boy with no eyelids.

The parents are, as expected, devastated by Their son’s deformity.
Fortunately, at the hospital is a world-renowned optical surgeon, who gives hope to the distraught couple. He can replace the infant’s eyelids with the skin that will be cut away when the newborn is circumcised, since it is as de...

Beware of performing surgery on your Dad . . .

An older gentleman was on the operating table, awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.   

As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.   

"Yes, Dad. What is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son. Do your best. ...

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Have you heard about that surgeon that offers penis transplants?

It's a real dick move

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Mr. Smith kisses his wife goodbye before she leaves for a business trip....

On the way to the airport, Mrs. Smith gets in a terrible car crash and is life-flighted to the hospital.

Mr. Smith receives a call from the police telling him about the accident and rushes to the hospital. There, he waits for hours while his wife is in surgery.

After many hours of wa...

Got talking to a girl online then when we met in person she was a 65 year old guy.

She wasn't lying when she said her ex was a plastic surgeon.

I wonder if church musicians and surgeons ever hang out

They could just chill and talk about organs

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[Long]Three Toronto surgeons were playing golf together

and discussing surgeries they had performed..

 

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Ontario. In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident; 

I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.

 <...

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60yr old women Florida visits her plastic surgeon and says we gotta do something with this face, it's getting a bit saggy ??

Doc examines her and says I've got the perfect solution to this, we're gonna instal a dial in the back of your head and every time you're feeling a little loose in the face give the dial a quick tighten. She agrees and is very pleased.

Two months later she returns and says doc I've cranked th...

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If wrestlers have biceps, and bodybuilders have triceps, what do surgeons have?

Forceps
(I hate my shit life)

My surgeon friend said he has my back

Though I wish he would put it back

Two surgeons are laughing during an operation when a dermatologist walks by...

"What's so funny?" asks the dermatologist.

"Sorry, it's a inside joke." replies the surgeon.

The surgeon really did not know how to perform quick surgeries on insects...

...but he did one on the fly.

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