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A woman wants a facelift and her surgeon tells her about a new procedure

"We put a dial in the back of your head and when your skin starts to sag you simply turn the knob."

"That sounds good," she says.

Two years later, she goes back and tells the surgeon that the dial is giving her bags under her eyes.

"I'm sorry," replies the surgeon, "but those ar...

A woman brought a very limp duck to a veterinary surgeon...

A woman brought a very limp duck to a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, Ma’am, but your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”

The distr...

The surgeon and his wife.

Heard this in the OR today during surgery.

A middle aged surgeon and his wife are walking along a sandy beach, when they notice a brass lamp protruding from then ground.
The wife picks it up and a genie immediately spouts forth from the lamp. "You each may have 3 wishes", the genie says....

A man walks into a plastic surgeons office. He asks the doctor "S-s-sir m-m-my d-d-dick i-is t-t-too l-l-l-long."

The doctor replies, "Well how is that?"

So the man says, "W-w-well its s-s-so l-l-long that i-i-it p-p-pulls on my t-t-tongue a-a-and it g-g-gives me t-t-this s-s-stutter m-m-man!"

The doctor replies, "Oh I see, so I can schedule an appointment and were going to take out this part righ...

I went to see if my laser eye surgeon was any good

I don’t see any problems now

Did you hear about the surgeon who accidentally swapped his tools with the hospital handyman’s?

His last surgery was gut wrenching.

Have you ever met a tree surgeon?

They arboring

A conservative cardiovascular surgeon walked out of the OR today.

"I'm sick and tired of these bleeding heart liberals!" He proclaimed. The patient promptly died.

I wasn’t sure my surgeons could handle my hepatectomy...

But they really de-livered.

I'm a surgeon/mailman

Overall I do a lot of de-livering

Man circumcised by mistake when surgeons confused him for another patient’

Guess this is what they mean by undesirable cutbacks in the NHS.

Three surgeons was meeting for a drink...

... Here they ended up talking shop, and the first proclaimed:

"The easiest patients to operate on, are accountants! All their organs are numbered."


The second surgeon did dissagree:

"I think the easiest patients to operate on, are painters! All their organs got different co...

What do you call a brain surgeon that got a C average in college?

A brain surgeon. I hope your surgery goes well!

A surgeon fails an eye surgery

No one bats an eye.
A surgeon fails a brain surgery
and everybody loses their minds

I'm concerned about my surgeon...

Not only is he quick to anger, be he's known to lose his patients.

Today I learned where plastic surgeons get new noses for their patients...

At the olfactory.

When did the dentist become a brain surgeon?

When he dropped the drill.

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5 surgeons discussing who makes the best patients to operate on

The first surgeon, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, says, "No, I really think librarian...

The Surgeon’s Operation

A surgeon urgently left for work one morning after hearing that a new patient just came in with 3 tumors. He got there as quickly as he could, despite living roughly half an hour away. He managed to get to work before any of his coworkers that were capable of operating on the new patient could. He r...

Over a round of golf, two surgeons were talking shop.

"I operated on Mr. Lee the other day," said the surgeon.

"What for?" asked his colleague.

"About $6,000."

"What did he have?"

"About $6,000."

"What did you remove?"

"About $6,000."

If I ever find out the name of the surgeon that screwed up my limb transplant, I'll kill him...

...with my bear hands...

I was a surgeon with bad punctuation

I got fired for leaving out a colon

The patient said to the Brain-surgeon.

I can't seem to get you out of my mind.

What's the difference between God and a surgeon?

God doesn't think he's a surgeon.

Bill Cosby and a surgeon have a lot in common

For example, they both want the person that they are inside to be unconscious

What did the surgeon say to the patient who wanted to close up his own incision ?

Suture self

Poorly paid UK surgeons

Yesterday I found out that NHS surgeons are so poorly paid that they have to resort to crime.

I saw a sign, it said "Thieves operate in this area."

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Where do plastic surgeons shop at before a boob job?

Breast Buy

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Did you hear about that group of women suing their plastic surgeon for faulty butt implants? Apparently their cheeks wont stop smacking together now...

It's a real ass claption lawsuit.

A surgeon, an engineer and a politician

A surgeon, an engineer and a politician started arguing about whose profession was first set up in the world.
Surgeon : " According to the Bible, Eve was made by carving a rib out of Adam. That makes my profession the oldest."
Engineer : " Even before that the world was created out of chaos i...

Surgeon: "Stay calm John, it's just a little cut with a scalpel, no need to be nervous."

Patient: "Thanks Doc, but I'm not John"

Surgeon: "I know, I am"

Did you hear about the hockey player who became a surgeon?

He specialized in bury-hat-trick surgery.

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When the surgeon came to see his young female patient on the day after her operation, she was slightly embarrassed.

So the doctor she asked, "What's wrong?"

"Well this is a bit embarrassing for me, but just how long will it be before I can resume my normal sex life?"

"Uh," stammered the doctor, as he thought pensively.

"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it," replied the stunned surgeon.
...

Right before surgery the surgeon says: "Relax, Jim. It's just a small scalpel incision. No reason to panic."

The patient replies: "But, Doctor, my name is not Jim." The surgeon says: "I know. I'm Jim."

I once met an anesthesiologist for a brain surgeon.

They said the pay was great, but the work was mind numbing.

Why did the Skeleton turned down the chance to be a surgeon??

Because it didn't have the stomach for it.

Did you hear about the surgeon who branded his initials on a patient's organ?

Apparently it was an inside joke

A plastic surgeon applies for a programming position

Because he heard they needed back end development.

You see the story where all of the Orthopaedic surgeons lost their their medical licenses?

it was unorthodocs

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Man sees a plastic surgeon

Unimpressed with his size, he’s looking for a penis transplanted onto him
Dr Says:
-we don’t have such organ available but we have an elephant trunk available from a biologist, we can do an experimental surgery at no cost.
Guy says yes, and they go on with the surgery.
Dr informs him th...

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A woman wakes up in hospital after having a vaginal tuck. There are three bunches of flowers beside her bed.

One from her surgeon saying "all went well".

The second from her husband saying " I love you, get well soon".

The third was from Tommy in the burns ward saying "Thanks for the new ears”.

Why do brain surgeons begin operations early?

So they can work ahead

My mother used to say the way to a mans heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman.

Useless surgeon.

I'm not a surgeon

But I'll take a stab at it anyway.

A cardiac surgeon is picking up his Bentley from an engine repair.

As the owner's mechanic fetches the car, the owner gets to talking with the doctor and says, "You know, engine repair is a lot like open-heart surgery."

"How so?"

"Well, it's the 'heart' of the machine. It's got fuel injectors like veins, an oil pump like an aorta, and pistons that pum...

I’ve always wanted to become a surgeon

But i wonder if I’ll make the cut.

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Pamela Anderson goes to see her plastic surgeon

And asks him if he can be discrete about a surgery.

Of course, he replies, you've been a great client and your privacy is top priority.

She continues, it's just that this next alteration is a bit embarrassing, you see, as I'm aging, things seam to droop and get loose etc, and, well, my...

Surgeons are terrible in relationships.

They know everyone’s the same on the inside.

My wife just visited an optical surgeon, so now she doesn’t need to wear glasses.

She called it an eye-opening experience.

Two detectives are investigating a crime scene in a plastic surgeons O.R. (Long)

After an initial forensics report they determine cause of death was blood loss.

Detective 1: I’ve seen their sort of procedure before. Good God! I thought they stopped this sort of operation years ago!

Detective 2: what is it? You’ve seen this before!??

Detective 1: oh yes....Ma...

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A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the wom...

A famous heart surgeon died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone had paid their respects, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him said, control yourself man.

I'm sorry, he replied, I was thinking about my own funeral.

What's so funny about that?

I'm a gynecologist.

Today I learned about Harvey E. Brown, a civil war surgeon who had so many amputations he ran out of fake legs and had to use a shovel.

It was a ground-breaking medical procedure.

What did the cardiac surgeon say to his nervous patient?

“Don’t worry, you’ll have a change of heart.”

The surgeon general warns, "do not run while smoking marijuana".

It's hard on your joints.

I’m a Latino nurse and while I was doing my rounds, one of the surgeons burst out of the operating room and told me to help finish the operation. I cut the patient’s organ on the wrong spot but luckily I miscalculated and saved their life. No one thought I could do it and I shocked them all.

Nobody expected the Spanish missed incision.

I know the feeling...

An auto mechanic in the hospital was chatting nervously with his surgeon while being prepped for an operation. "Sometimes I wish I'd gone into your line of work," he told the doctor. "Everything you doctors do is so cut and dried and tidy. With me, I spend half a day taking an engine apart and putti...

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[hospital] SURGEON: [lowers mask] I'm sorry, we were unable to separate the art from the artist

ME: is he

S: yes, he's still an asshole

I once knew a guy who went to school to become a surgeon, but he lost his bottom two fingers in an accident

Now he’s a gynecologist

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What do a plastic surgeon and a chicken farmer have in common?

They both give you big breasts.

A heart surgeon took his car to his local garage for a regular service, where he usually exchanged a little friendly banter with the owner, a skilled but not especially wealthy mechanic.

"So tell me," says the mechanic, "I've been wondering about what we both do for a living, and how much more you get paid than me.."
"Yes?.." says the surgeon.
"Well look at this," says the mechanic, as he worked on a big complicated engine, "I check how it's running, open it up, fix the valves...

My wife doesn't need makeup to look beautiful.

She needs a team of surgeons.

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A surgeon goes to check on his patient after surgery and he says to her...

"Everything went fine and you'll recover completely."

The young woman asks, "How long will it be before I can have a normal sex life again?"

The surgeon pauses for a while and wipes a small tear from the corner of his eye.

The woman, now alarmed, asks, "What's the matter doctor?...

You know what they say about horse surgeons...

They have stable hands.

Did you hear about the surgeon who botched a vasectomy?

he got the sack

What did the polite surgeon say to the person who was sawed in half?

Mind if I join you?

A surgeon retires from his long career as a specialist in circumcision.

Throughout his career, he has saved hundreds of foreskins as mementos and now wishes to turn them into a souvenir....
He takes his specimens to a leather smith and asks him to make something out of them.

A week later the surgeon returns and the leather smith presents him with a wallet. "A...

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3 surgeons walk into a pub...

...The first claims to be the best surgeon of Texas: "the world's best piano player lost 7 fingers in an accident. I sewed them back on and yesterday, he played a private concert for the queen of England."

The second one answeres: "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and both legs in a...

I wonder if church musicians and surgeons ever hang out

They could just chill and talk about organs

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Have you heard about that surgeon that offers penis transplants?

It's a real dick move

A surgeon walks into the family waiting room.

He says, “I’m sorry to say that we couldn’t do the circumcision on your husband.”
The wife asks, “Why not, doctor?”
The doctor replies, “Well, Mrs. Trump, there’s just no end to that prick!”

My surgeon friend said he has my back

Though I wish he would put it back

Liposuction surgeons hate her! Learn how this woman lost 250 pounds in just one day with ONE easy trick!

She became widowed

Three surgeons are sitting in a bar...

... getting drunk and talking about the great successes in their careers. The first takes a shot and says, 'I had a a patient, a concert pianist. He severed all ten of his fingers in a freak cooking accident with a very sharp knife. I meticulously reattached them, and within a year, he played a conc...

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60yr old women Florida visits her plastic surgeon and says we gotta do something with this face, it's getting a bit saggy ??

Doc examines her and says I've got the perfect solution to this, we're gonna instal a dial in the back of your head and every time you're feeling a little loose in the face give the dial a quick tighten. She agrees and is very pleased.

Two months later she returns and says doc I've cranked th...

The surgeon really did not know how to perform quick surgeries on insects...

...but he did one on the fly.

A time traveling surgeon walks into a bar with the younger version of himself.

The bartender say’s, what can I get for you paradox?

[Long]Three Toronto surgeons were playing golf together

and discussing surgeries they had performed..

 

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Ontario. In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident; 

I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.

 <...

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If wrestlers have biceps, and bodybuilders have triceps, what do surgeons have?

Forceps
(I hate my shit life)

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A news reporter and a surgeon walk into a bar..

The news reporter asks, “So you’re a surgeon, what’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do?”
The surgeon replies, “Well one time I had to pull a load of shit out of a constipated patient’s ass.”
The news reporter says, “Ahaha that’s nothing, I do that every day.”

A surgeon, an architect and a lawyer were discussing whose was the oldest profession.

Surgeon: Well, it’s obvious. It was surgery when a ribectomy was performed on Adam to create Eve.

Architect: Come now. First the heaven and earth had to be created, and that couldn’t happen until plans were drawn up.

Lawyer: But what was there before the heaven and earth and the light?...

What's the difference between a plastic surgeon and a school inspector?

A plastic surgeon tucks features...

Wanted: Circumcision surgeon

$700 per week, plus tips.

A Spine surgeon's to-do list

1) Get back to work!

I just spoke to my lazy eye surgeon.

I wish he was more energetic.

What do you call a surgeon who is post-call?

Surgeoff

Two surgeons are laughing during an operation when a dermatologist walks by...

"What's so funny?" asks the dermatologist.

"Sorry, it's a inside joke." replies the surgeon.

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A plastic surgeon invented a new experimental facelift technique called The Dial.

It consisted of installing a dial on the top of the patients head that could be rotated to tighten the skin. A woman signs up for the procedure and every goes well until she returns to him a couple weeks later.

"Doctor, everything was going fine, but a few days ago I noticed that I was develo...

Never open up your heart to a cardiac surgeon...

Let them do it for you. It's their job.

The Surgeon

Sam and John were out cutting wood, when John accidentally cut his arm off. Sam, who was trained in first aid, remained calm and wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and then took it and John to a surgeon.

The surgeon said, "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four ho...

I was a plastic surgeon for a short time.

My son's Action Man needed repairing.

Traditionally, orthopedic surgeons were strong and dumb.

But now they have power tools.

No plastic surgeon will help me!

I have really giant hands and I'd like to make them smaller, but every time I ask the doctor for a hand-job I get kicked out.

Three surgeons are sitting in a bar...

discussing which people are their favorite to operate on.

The first surgeon looks at the other two, and tells them that his favorite patients are librarians. The other two then ask him why.

"Well," he begins, "I like librarians, because their insides are always filed away in alphabeti...

A pirate goes to see the ship's surgeon...

He kicks open the door and waddles in with a steering wheel in his pants.


"You gotta help me, this thing is drivin' me..."


"Drivin' yer nuts. Yeah, I get it. Hear that one all the time. Now, would you be so kind as to remove that darned thing from yer trousers and toss it in co...

A man from Ireland got into a terrible car crash and his eye was dislodged from his socket. Miraculously the surgeons were able to place it back in and he had no lost of vision.

Guess you could say he had "the luck of the Iris"

A surgeon just removed my son's cardiac muscle.

That's disheartening.