The surgeon tells a patient who needs a heart transplant, "You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?"

The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."

How did the dentist become a brain surgeon?

The drill slipped.

Two surgeons are in an operating room...

One has a large cut. The second surgeon asks “would you like me to stitch that up for you?”

The first surgeon says “no thanks, I’d prefer to close my own wound”

The second surgeon replies “suture self”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 surgeons are in a bar...

They're arguing over who is the best surgeon out of all of them. The first one goes, "Well, one of my patients lost his leg, but after I gave him a prosthetic leg, he became an Olympic runner." Second one goes, "Psh, that's nothing! I once had a patient with several brain disabilities and was mental...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four Surgeons

Four surgeons sit around discussing their favorite patients.



The first surgeon says, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order".



The second surgeon says, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everythin...

A woman brought a very limp duck to Dr.Santa, a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope
and listened to the duck’s
chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head
sadly and said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has
passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened t...

ok so a stoner, a jedi, and a surgeon walk into a bar.

Blunt force trauma.

If I ever find the surgeon who screwed up my transplant I'll kill him...

With my bear hands

A surgeon, an engineer, and a politician are debating over whose profession was the first established on the Earth.

A surgeon, an engineer, and a politician are debating over whose profession was the first established on the Earth.

"According to the Bible," says the surgeon, "God took a rib from Adam to make Eve. That's a surgeon's job, so we were first."

"But before that, the Bible says God create...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Surgeons

The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."




The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

<...

A spine surgeon's to-do list

1. Get back to work.

I dated a surgeon who turned out to be a kleptomaniac, she stole my heart..

... and kidney.

Thank you weight loss surgeons

What you do takes guts.

It’s a little known fact that surgeons are actually really good comedians

They always leave their patients in stitches!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a clock and a surgeon that specializes in penis reconstruction?

One's a tick tock, the other's a dick doc.

What did the plastic surgeon say to the patient?

Happy new ear.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A British surgeon was operating on a man who suddenly had a boner in the middle of the surgery. After the surgey, when the man woke up, he said to the Doctor.

"So, how'd the surgery go, Doc?" To which the Surgeon replied: "Everything went rather well, with just a small cock up midway."

A well renown heart surgeon has passed away.

All of his familiy members, colleagues and former students attend at his funeral service. Near the end of the ceremony, his well decorated coffin is being lowered into a heart shaped patch of red flowers, which opens up just before the coffin is being lowered. During that process, a man amongst the ...

I'm training to be an anaesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon "Can I practice on my self first?"

He said "Sure, knock yourself out!"

I lost my job as a surgeon.

Apparently, I shouldn't have left unfinished work over the weekend.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled

The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man.

“No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

“I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!” ...

I saw a gorgeous woman walk into a cosmetic surgeons office. I followed her in to ask her out, but I decided not to bother.

Catching her picking her nose just put me right off.

If there was a television series about a Deadhead surgeon, what would it be called?

A: Touch Of Grey's Anatomy.

Meeting with the eye surgeon is such a scam, I paid over $500 just for the consultation!

And I still don't know who I'm seeing.

'What kind of work do you do?' a woman passenger enquired of the man travelling in her train compartment. 'I'm a Naval surgeon,' he replies.

My word!' spluttered the woman, 'How you doctors specialise these days.'

What did one french surgeon say to the other one evening?

“Bonesaw!”

My brother has the hands of a surgeon...

And a pending trial for grievous bodily harm.

Why do surgeons get so rich?

They always make their cut.

My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"

Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon

Why do cardiac surgeons make the best public speakers?

Nobody else can touch as many hearts as them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins just performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replaced the missing lids with the harvested tissue. The boy's new eyelids work almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection won't be a problem.

When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed.

My wife just gave birth and she’s over the moon! I,on the other hand, plan to sue the surgeon who did my vasectomy.

Not once did he mention that a mixed race baby was a possible side effect!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plastic surgeon and a tattoo artist made a deal, where the surgeon did a breast enhancement operation for free for the tattoo artist, and in return she promised to tattoo the surgeon for free

Tit for tat

A black guy loses a middle finger in a work accident.

The surgeon tells him: "I'm sorry but I cannot attach your original finger due to the damage. However, I can attach one from a dead person. The thing is, I only have fingers from white people available."

The black guy says it's no problem, as long as he can use all fingers again.

Surge...

Doctor Frankenstein created life, via great skill with a surgeon's knife. Igor loved to say, an easier way,

Would have been knocking boots with his wife.

A famous heart surgeon died and everyone was gathered at his funeral.

A coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone had paid their respects, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him said, c...

"You just need to relax Steve, it's just a minor surgery, it happens everyday with no issues" the surgeon said

The patient replies "But my name isn't Steve"

Nervously, the surgeon replies "But my name is"

A surgeon cut off the wrong leg at my hospital today!!!

The orthopedic surgeon at the local hospital I work at accidentally cut off the wrong leg of an infected diabetic patient. After he realized he cut off the wrong leg he couldn't leave the the other infected leg attached. So he had all of the administration and attorneys meet him in the operating ro...

At an international medical conference

A British doctor brags to colleagues: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we removed a man's backbone, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for work."


The German surgeon replies; “In Germany we removed a section of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he...

Ever heard of the orthopedic surgeon who got arrested for voyeurism?

He just wanted to see his patient's bone

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman wants a facelift and her surgeon tells her about a new procedure

"We put a dial in the back of your head and when your skin starts to sag you simply turn the knob."

"That sounds good," she says.

Two years later, she goes back and tells the surgeon that the dial is giving her bags under her eyes.

"I'm sorry," replies the surgeon, "but those ar...

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a motorcycle when he spotted a well known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hand...

What did the eye surgeon say after his first surgery?

-Well, that was an eye opening experience.

A 50 year old guy goes to a surgeon to make himself look younger

The surgeon completes the surgery and it is a success.

"How do I look?" the man asks.

"You look 30 years young!" the surgeon replies.

The next day, the man goes to the gas station to fuel up and asks the cashier:

"Excuse me sir, how old do I look?"

The cashier resp...

What's the difference between God and a surgeon?

God knows that he's not a surgeon.

Being a plastic surgeon must be hard...

Not even a familiar face to keep you company

Hameed the good lad

Once upon a time, a small boy named Hameed lived in a tiny Moroccan village. All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Hameed!!!" One day, his mother went to check out how he is doing at school and the teacher told h...

A surgeon has an expensive Lamborghini

A well-known surgeon has an expensive Lamborghini and goes to the local supermarket to get some milk and bread. When he arrives, he parks his car and opens the door. A van enters the parking lot, and hits the door of the Lamborghini as he exits. He starts to get angry at the van driver, and a group ...

What do you call a tree surgeon who makes good coffee?

An arborista.

Right before surgery the surgeon says: "Relax, Jim. It's just a small scalpel incision. No reason to panic."

The patient replies: "But, Doctor, my name is not Jim." The surgeon says: "I know. I'm Jim."

A golfer is involved in a terrible car crash and is rushed to the hospital

Just before he is put under, the surgeon pops in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing days are over !!! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The g...

The surgeon and his wife.

Heard this in the OR today during surgery.

A middle aged surgeon and his wife are walking along a sandy beach, when they notice a brass lamp protruding from then ground.
The wife picks it up and a genie immediately spouts forth from the lamp. "You each may have 3 wishes", the genie says....

A surgeon is planning on marrying his girlfriend, but her father refuses to allow him to do so.

After months of persuasion, the surgeon has gotten no-where closer to getting married, even though he’s done nothing to upset his girlfriend’s father.

But one day while at his normal job at the hospital, the surgeon receives news that the father is on his way to the hospital in an ambulance,...

A puffer fish went to a surgeon because his puffer mechanism wasn’t working right.

When he got back he talked with his fish friends for a bit.

They asked him, “How did your surgery go? Did they fix your puffer?”

He replied, “It went *swell*.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years

He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor says, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that it will require removing your testicles.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure cre...

I went to see if my laser eye surgeon was any good

I don’t see any problems now

I was at a party and there was a big bowl of mixed alcohol and fruit juice, with a long line of brain surgeons, rocket scientists, and Nobel prize winners all queuing up to drink it...

...I thought what a great punch line.

Surgeon: "Stay calm John, it's just a little cut with a scalpel, no need to be nervous."

Patient: "Thanks Doc, but I'm not John"

Surgeon: "I know, I am"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman went to the doctor and said "I'm not sure what the problem is, but my vagina doesn't work"...

A woman went to the doctor and said "I'm not sure what the problem is, but my vagina doesn't work".

The doctor had a thorough examination and was amazed.

"I've never seen anything like this" he said. "You can't have sex, you couldn't give birth, and it doesn't look like you can even us...

Did you hear about the surgeon who accidentally swapped his tools with the hospital handyman’s?

His last surgery was gut wrenching.

Bill Cosby and a surgeon have a lot in common

For example, they both want the person that they are inside to be unconscious

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anatomy class...

A anatomy teacher teaches his students during an autopsy... he says:

“There are two main traits, a good surgeon must have... first is, nothing can disgust him!”

He proceeds to stick his finger in the corpses asshole, pulls it out and sucks on it... Half the students start throwing up....

Where's the best place to go to pick your nose?

Plastic Surgeon

I still howl at the old Monica Lewinsky classic.

She was feeling self conscious because the tabloids were labeling her pudgy. So she asks her plastic surgeon to remove her love handles. When she comes out of anesthesia and looks in the mirror, she notices she doesn't have ears anymore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Decisions, decisions

Plastic surgeons can now give you a second penis. I'm tempted but I'm worried it might make me a bit two cocky.....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW Back in the 1990’s, a baby boy was born without eyelids.

His parents go to a plastic surgeon and the surgeon finds out the boy hasn’t been circumcised yet.

The foreskin has nearly the same tissue as the eyelids, so the surgeon suggests a procedure using the baby’s foreskin to fix this problem.

Ecstatic, the parents agree.

After a few...

A surgeon fails an eye surgery

No one bats an eye.
A surgeon fails a brain surgery
and everybody loses their minds

A botched surgery

Recently I had an old childhood friend over for some drinks. Catching up with him over the course of the evening I learned that he had gone on to become a surgeon. So, I asked him if he could check out a lump that had grown on my wrist. He set down his beer and and looked it over and declared, "W...

I'm concerned about my surgeon...

Not only is he quick to anger, be he's known to lose his patients.

Did you hear about the surgeon who branded his initials on a patient's organ?

Apparently it was an inside joke

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank.

Suddenly, armed men storm in and try to rob the bank. A shootout occurs and the woman is hit by bullets several times.

Shortly after, the woman is brought to the hospital and gets emergency surgery. The surgeon is able to remove all bullets except three due to endangerment to the triplets. ...

Today I learned where plastic surgeons get new noses for their patients...

At the olfactory.

Man circumcised by mistake when surgeons confused him for another patient’

Guess this is what they mean by undesirable cutbacks in the NHS.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When the surgeon came to see his young female patient on the day after her operation, she was slightly embarrassed.

So the doctor she asked, "What's wrong?"

"Well this is a bit embarrassing for me, but just how long will it be before I can resume my normal sex life?"

"Uh," stammered the doctor, as he thought pensively.

"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it," replied the stunned surgeon.
...

I'm a surgeon/mailman

Overall I do a lot of de-livering

A man walks into a plastic surgeons office. He asks the doctor "S-s-sir m-m-my d-d-dick i-is t-t-too l-l-l-long."

The doctor replies, "Well how is that?"

So the man says, "W-w-well its s-s-so l-l-long that i-i-it p-p-pulls on my t-t-tongue a-a-and it g-g-gives me t-t-this s-s-stutter m-m-man!"

The doctor replies, "Oh I see, so I can schedule an appointment and were going to take out this part righ...

I wasn’t sure my surgeons could handle my hepatectomy...

But they really de-livered.

Three surgeons was meeting for a drink...

... Here they ended up talking shop, and the first proclaimed:

"The easiest patients to operate on, are accountants! All their organs are numbered."


The second surgeon did dissagree:

"I think the easiest patients to operate on, are painters! All their organs got different co...

Two Doctors and an HMO Manager Die and Line Up Together at the Pearly Gates of Heaven.

One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children."

St. Peter lets him enter.

The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped hundreds of people live better lives."

St. Peter tells him to go ahead inside.

The last man s...

I was a surgeon with bad punctuation

I got fired for leaving out a colon

The surgeon general warns, "do not run while smoking marijuana".

It's hard on your joints.

Over a round of golf, two surgeons were talking shop.

"I operated on Mr. Lee the other day," said the surgeon.

"What for?" asked his colleague.

"About $6,000."

"What did he have?"

"About $6,000."

"What did you remove?"

"About $6,000."

I just got sacked from my job as a veterinary surgeon

I got caught looking at pictures of frogspawn

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw my friend Jim at the bar the other week looking almost exactly like Brad Pitt.

I came up to him and said.

"Jim! How'd you end up looking like that pal? Who's your surgeon?"

"No surgeon man, a wizard. He told me of this enchanted pool past the three mountains to the east. You will see a cliff with a pool underneath, jump off the cliff and shout what you want to l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Where do plastic surgeons shop at before a boob job?

Breast Buy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little medical joke

The South African Medical Association has weighed in on the new National Health Insurance proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thoug...

What did the surgeon say to the patient who wanted to close up his own incision ?

Suture self

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other.

The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.

After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and ...

Poorly paid UK surgeons

Yesterday I found out that NHS surgeons are so poorly paid that they have to resort to crime.

I saw a sign, it said "Thieves operate in this area."

The patient said to the Brain-surgeon.

I can't seem to get you out of my mind.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about that group of women suing their plastic surgeon for faulty butt implants? Apparently their cheeks wont stop smacking together now...

It's a real ass claption lawsuit.

A heart surgeon took his car to his local garage for a regular service, where he usually exchanged a little friendly banter with the owner, a skilled but not especially wealthy mechanic.

"So tell me," says the mechanic, "I've been wondering about what we both do for a living, and how much more you get paid than me.."
"Yes?.." says the surgeon.
"Well look at this," says the mechanic, as he worked on a big complicated engine, "I check how it's running, open it up, fix the valves...

A surgeon, an engineer and a politician

A surgeon, an engineer and a politician started arguing about whose profession was first set up in the world.
Surgeon : " According to the Bible, Eve was made by carving a rib out of Adam. That makes my profession the oldest."
Engineer : " Even before that the world was created out of chaos i...

Why did the Skeleton turned down the chance to be a surgeon??

Because it didn't have the stomach for it.

A cardiac surgeon is picking up his Bentley from an engine repair.

As the owner's mechanic fetches the car, the owner gets to talking with the doctor and says, "You know, engine repair is a lot like open-heart surgery."

"How so?"

"Well, it's the 'heart' of the machine. It's got fuel injectors like veins, an oil pump like an aorta, and pistons that pum...

I'm not a surgeon

But I'll take a stab at it anyway.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pamela Anderson goes to see her plastic surgeon

And asks him if he can be discrete about a surgery.

Of course, he replies, you've been a great client and your privacy is top priority.

She continues, it's just that this next alteration is a bit embarrassing, you see, as I'm aging, things seam to droop and get loose etc, and, well, my...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's amazing what modern medicine can achieve

A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years they have become loose and floppy..


Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and of course the surgeon agreed.
<...

Did you hear about the hockey player who became a surgeon?

He specialized in bury-hat-trick surgery.

My grandmother, who is a chef, says that I must always eat my mistakes.

I am a surgeon.

Today I learned about Harvey E. Brown, a civil war surgeon who had so many amputations he ran out of fake legs and had to use a shovel.

It was a ground-breaking medical procedure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 surgeons walk into a pub...

...The first claims to be the best surgeon of Texas: "the world's best piano player lost 7 fingers in an accident. I sewed them back on and yesterday, he played a private concert for the queen of England."

The second one answeres: "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and both legs in a...

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked

doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

I once met an anesthesiologist for a brain surgeon.

They said the pay was great, but the work was mind numbing.

A woman steps in front of a bus and dies instantly.

She finds herself at the pearly gates, being greeted by God himself.



He looks the woman up and down, and says "Hm... Strange. It's not your time! I'm sending you back."

"Sending me back? How long until it IS my time?" she asks.

"Worry not, my child. You have many, many m...

Surgeons are terrible in relationships.

They know everyone’s the same on the inside.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A surgeon goes to check on his patient after surgery and he says to her...

"Everything went fine and you'll recover completely."

The young woman asks, "How long will it be before I can have a normal sex life again?"

The surgeon pauses for a while and wipes a small tear from the corner of his eye.

The woman, now alarmed, asks, "What's the matter doctor?...

My wife just visited an optical surgeon, so now she doesn’t need to wear glasses.

She called it an eye-opening experience.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man sees a plastic surgeon

Unimpressed with his size, he’s looking for a penis transplanted onto him
Dr Says:
-we don’t have such organ available but we have an elephant trunk available from a biologist, we can do an experimental surgery at no cost.
Guy says yes, and they go on with the surgery.
Dr informs him th...

A plastic surgeon applies for a programming position

Because he heard they needed back end development.

Three surgeons are sitting in a bar...

... getting drunk and talking about the great successes in their careers. The first takes a shot and says, 'I had a a patient, a concert pianist. He severed all ten of his fingers in a freak cooking accident with a very sharp knife. I meticulously reattached them, and within a year, he played a conc...

You see the story where all of the Orthopaedic surgeons lost their their medical licenses?

it was unorthodocs

Why do brain surgeons begin operations early?

So they can work ahead

I’ve always wanted to become a surgeon

But i wonder if I’ll make the cut.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do a plastic surgeon and a chicken farmer have in common?

They both give you big breasts.

What did the cardiac surgeon say to his nervous patient?

“Don’t worry, you’ll have a change of heart.”

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.