The all new self-driving Tesla has a shower facility in it

Time to get rid of that Musk

Checking out the birth facility

My pregnant daughter and her husband were checking out a new birth facility that was more like a spa. The birthing room had a hot tub, soft music, and candlelight.

"What do you think?" she said

He looked around. "Isn't this how we got here in the first place?"

So my brother works at a research facility. His employer only stocks the bathrooms with single ply toilet paper.

They say it leads to the most breakthroughs

For the second time this month all the animals in a feline cloning facility were killed

Police are looking for a copycat killer

My friend built a thatch residence out of prairie grass. He decided to use it as a storage facility for regnal furniture.

I told him that was not a good idea. When he asked why, I told him that people who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.

A bunny escapes from a research facility

he runs out of the lab and joins some other bunnies in the field behind the building.

"hey there!" one of the bunnies says. "are you from the lab?"

"yeah. I'm from the lab"

"then you have a lot to learn about being a bunny" one of the other bunnies says.

he teaches the yo...

A mental health facility offers supervised hobbies for its patients.

They have access to painting, exercise, a small library, cooking, all sorts of stuff.

When they paint, they are often instructed to paint their mood, or something they would like to see or do when they are released. Some paint melancholy things, dark with depressive imagery and muted colors. ...

I realised at the last minute that i forgot my protective goggles at the nuclear test facility this morning. My line manager saved my vision and shielded me from the intense light!

He's my super visor

At a welcome seminar at a senior assisted living facility...

...the manager addressed all the new seniors pointing out some of the rules: "The female sleeping quarters will be of limits for all males, and likewise the male dormitory to the females.

Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time".

He continued "Anybody caught ...

Two psychic ward patients are escaping the facility...

They get to a point where they have to cross a gap between two buildings. The first guy has no problem, jumps the gap, but the second guy is scared of heights and refuses to jump.

So the first prisoner thinks for a bit, and proposes a solution:

"How about this, I'll shine my flashlight...

Two insane patients escaping from medical facility...

They found the way during the night to reach the roof and jump the gap to building next door. The first guy jumped over, but second guy was afraid of heights and froze. The first guy tried to reassure him "look, I'll glow this flashlight and you can easily walk over the beam"

The other guy re...

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

I can't believe I got fired from my job at the DNA testing facility.

After all the blood, sweat, and tears I put in.

We moved my 87 year old grandma into a nursing facility run by nuns

It's assistered living

The sign outside the drug rehab facility was very fitting

"Stay off the grass."

Two men walk into a research facility

Two men walk into a research lab.
The first one says, "I'll have H20".
The second one continues, "I'll have some H20 too".
The second guy dies later.

Why did they decide to call a correctional facility a penitentiary?

Because calling it penetrationary would've ruined the surprise.

I walked past a drug rehab facility today.

There was a sign on the front lawn that read "KEEP OFF THE GRASS!"

My friend just told me he's opening up an underground water storage facility.

Oh, three of them, actually.
Well, well, well...

Volkswagen announces it will open a facility in Israel to make a new advanced vehicle...

The new models are are so advanced not only will they stop on a dime, they'll actually pick it up.

A Russian walks into an alchohal rehab facility...

Wait...what?

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What's the difference between a terrorist training facility and a preschool?

How the fuck should I know, I'm just the drone pilot.

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An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in a nursing home.

All the Arab Facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in an Italian home.
After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Abdullah.

"How do you like it here?" Asked the grandson.
It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said Abdu...

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So I heard they built a gayporn production facility on the CERN-compound...

Apparently it's called the "Large Hardon Collider".

An old woman walked into a bank with a huge bag of money.

She told the receptionist that she would like to meet the president of the bank as she wanted to deposit a large sum of money. The receptionist objected but the old lady wouldn’t move, so with no option left she went inside the office.

She came back and said, “You are lucky this morning, ...

My cousin called and asked if I would loan her £300.00 to help her pay her rent.

I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back my aunt called, told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money.

She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the £300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so s...

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Why are waste facility managers so successful?

Because they're always on top of their shit!

A man to a psychiatrist:

“How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?” The psychiatrist replies: “We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub.” The man smiles: “Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket.” The Psyc...

Sperm Bank Robbery

It was a normal day at the local sperm bank, when all of a sudden, a man bursts in with a mask a and a handgun and yells "EVERYONE! ON THE GROUND!"

Once every person in the facility is lying down, he walks over to the refrigerator area for very-recent donations, then turns around, facing the ...

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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 6 had a crush on 7 ever since middle school, but couldnt build up the courage to ask her out. His friends 8 and 9 pushed him to ask her out to prom, and she said yes. They fell in love and got married, 6 got a job as an electrician and 7 played as the house wife. They had 2 beautiful twin gi...

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The Toothbrush Salesman.

One day, a man with a lisp named Joseph walks into a toothbrush factory. Down on his luck and very desperate, he asks to speak to the manager of the facility, about getting a job as a toothbrush salesman. The manager walks out, and greets Joseph. “Hi there thir, my names Jotheph, and I was curiouth ...

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A graduate student in psychology

A psychology graduate student working at a local university was sent on a field assignment to evaluate the mental condition of three patients in a local mental institution and assess their possibilities for reintegration into society.

The facility was well funded and nicer than the student ex...

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Once, in a faraway land, there was this doctor who was a professional trickster...

This doctor was quite popular, but he had a big, bad secret; he deceives people. How? Well, let's just say a patient walks into his office with an illness. The doctor, after doing some checkups, gives his prescription for a medicine, which he even gives for free. It turns out, however, that the medi...

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar...

The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat.
An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. Later, a D comes ...

A man believed that he was a grain of wheat.

As much as Eric’s family would try, they could not convince him that he was in fact a human man, and not a grain of wheat.

The worst was when Eric even sensed a bird was around. Because he thought he was a grain of wheat, he would completely panic and run as far as he could. He figured that b...

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A cowboy named Bud...

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his
herd in a remote mountainous pasture in
Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW
advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The
driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes,
RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the
window ...

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Reunion

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the...

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And this is how men think...

A woman was in a long coma. A nurse was giving her a sponge bath, when she accidentally made contact with the woman's vagina, which produced a reaction on the heart monitor.

Excited, she went and told one of the Doctors, and he in turn called the woman's husband to tell him to come over as s...

An Asian American man is curious about his lineage

An Asian American man is curious about his lineage. He decides to find out more about his biological parents. His adopted parents always told him that he was born in China, so he starts there.

He digs around and tries to find out more about his parents. He searches for any information regardi...

A Chinese man and his wife stay in a hotel

A Chinese man and his wife are traveling by car from Key
West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road,
they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the...

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Army Camel

A distinguished four star general is visiting his troops stationed in Iraq. While taking a tour with his first sergeant of the facility he notices a lone camel near the edge of the base. He asks his sergeant, "Why is there a camel there?"

The sergeant answers, "Well, the men use that camel t...

Grandma's Password

My 100 year old grandma asked me to set up a security camera, so she could see who was stealing her clothes at her assisted living facility, so I brought over a wireless camera and started to install an app on her IPAD for monitoring.

I needed her Apple ID to download the app, so I asked her ...

What did the pencil say to the suspicious piece of paper?

I dot my i's on you!

-Heard this from an 85 year old lady in a nursing facility. The mental image of this joke is quite funny!

A prison decides to renovate its showers

An ageing prison facility is constantly beset by long queues for the shower area, which the managers decide to do something about because having all the prisoners together in one area outside of their cells might get nasty. So they look into the problem, and realise that, although the showers themse...

This little old lady...

So there's this little old lady who lost her husband. They had been high school sweethearts, married young, and lived together for 70 years until the day he died. She was a housewife her whole life and never even dated anyone else, so she moved into an assisted living facility when her husband passe...

An elderly couple die in a car wreck and appear at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter greets them and invites them in.

He takes them to a nearby car lot and tells them to choose a car. The old man says, "I can't afford any of those cars." St. Peter tells him not to worry about it, because it's Heaven and the cars are there for his use...Ferrari, Bentley, Mercedes......

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A millionaire dies and leaves a large sum of money to the hospital that treated him so well before death...

Upon completion of the new wing bearing his name, the widow was invited for a tour. The chief of medicine himself escorted the widow explaining the various parts of the facility as they went.

As they passed, the widow glanced into a room and gasped in shock. Through the open door she saw a p...

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Lunatic Asylum staff draw a realistic looking door on a wall

The staff tell all the crazy people that whoever exits through that door can leave the facility..

all the lunatics stampede and hurt themselves in the process but keep trying-- everyone wants to be the first to get out.

The staff notices one of the lunatics who is not participating b...

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Jenna Jameson opened a retirement home for porn starlets

It's an assfisted living facility

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6 patients in a psych ward.

There are 6 patients in a mental facility all sitting around chatting. There was a zoophile, a sadist, a murderer, a necrophiliac, a pyromanic, and a masochist. And for some reason they are talking about cats.

The zoophile says, "I know! Let's get a cat, and fuck it!"

To which the sadi...

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A Health and Safety Christmas Message

Please be advised that all employees planning to dash though the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only o...

Royal wedding

Where did Prince Charles spend his honeymoon? Indiana!

(Aye, it's an old one, but the search facility makes me think it's never been made reddit previous, so I post it for the education & betterment of the younguns.)

A Frenchman, an American, and a blond get captured by a group of terrorists

The terrorists explain that they will be generous and allow the prisoners to choose their own method of execution.

The Frenchman is up first. He says "I am French and wish to stick with my heritage! I choose the guillotine!" They set up a guillotine and SLAM goes the blade. His head falls in ...

A British fellow just doesn't understand why people like cricket.

He tries, he tries so hard. He knows it's his national sport. He also doesn't care much for football and rugby, and always feels left out at the pub. Then one day, he comes in early for a pint, and there's this strange game on the screen. "What's that game up there, Albert?" Albert looks baffled, "w...

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A few one liners from over the years

If you can't be kind, at least be vague

Before the invented baseballs, how did they measure hail

Rehab is for quitters

If you don't go to other people's funerals, then they won't go to yours

I've got three wonderful children. 60% isn't too bad

If your not part of t...

R.I.P.

Today a man died after jumping into a waste treatment facility.
The coroner ruled it a sewercide.

A man took his father to a nursing home....

A man took his father to a nursing home for the first time. His father was an elderly man, who had to be in a wheelchair. They toured the facility by themselves and at the end of the tour, the man told his father that he needed to use the restroom and would leave him in the common area for a few min...

A fire breaks out at a large chemical plant.....

...and is blazing violently out of control. Engine companies from all over the city keep rolling in to fight the fire, but it keeps growing worse and worse. Storage tanks are exploding and warehouses full of toxic chemicals are burning so hot the firemen keep getting pushed further and further back....