Veterinarian billing.

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinarian. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.


After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."


The distr...

I want to weigh the pros and cons of becoming a veterinarian,

On one hand you get bitten a lot
And on the other hand you get bitten less.


This is my first joke submission, I do like a good groaner.

My neighbor grew tired of being a taxidermist after 15 years, and went to veterinarian school.

His new business never got off the ground so he decided to operate both his taxidermy and vet business together to save money. His new slogan was: "No Matter What Happens - You Get Your Cat Back."

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First-year students at the Florida School of Veterinarian Medicine were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving an animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger into the butt of...

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Two veterinarians are walking through the woods...

Two veterinarians are walking through the woods. The first vet states that he is the best vet in the world, and the second vet disagrees. The argument goes on for about 5 minutes when they stop at an old oak tree with an owl sitting on a branch.

The first vet says, "To prove it, I bet I can p...

If a veterinarian says a pregnant cow needs to have an abortion...

Does that mean he's ordering a de-calf?

What’s the best thing about going to a veterinarian that doubles as a taxidermist?

Either way, you get your dog back

Working out is a lot like being a veterinarian

You’re just picking things up and putting them down

Theo visits his sister, a veterinarian...

And being a good brother, he brought 2 cups of hot chocolate, her favorite drink. Angela, his sister thanks him, but marks her cup because after all these years she knows how forgetful he can be, and how he can mistake her cup for his.

Sure enough, after chatting a bit, Theo reaches for a cu...

I saw a bumper sticker saying “I am a veterinarian, therefore I can drive like an animal”

Suddenly I realized how many proctologists are on the road.

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What do dyslexic prostitutes and veterinarians have in common?

They’re always talking about sick ducks.

What's the hardest part about reading a Veterinarian book?

Putting it down

When I grow up I want to be a veterinarian then go into the army, and become a veteran so I can become...

A Vet Vet

My Wife found out that our Dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the Veterinarian.......

The Vet found that the problem was Hair in the Dog's Ears.

He cleaned both ears, and the Dog could then hear fine.

The Vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Veet" hair remover and rub it in the Dog's ...

A rabbi, psychologist, and a veterinarian walk in to a bar.

A rabbi, psychologist, and a veterinarian walk in to a bar.
The bartender asks someone to help because one of the patrons is dangerously too drunk.
The rabbi steps up and asks the man if he would like to pray, but he waves his hands dismissively and the rabbi gives up.
The psychologist enco...

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What's the difference between your husband and your veterinarian?

Your vet will still touch your pussy after 16 years.

What is it called when a veterinarian puts your pet phoenix to sleep?

Youthanasia

What do you call a veterinarian who can only treat one species?

A Doctor.

A man's girlfriend went to Europe for 5 days with some girlfriends.

She asked her boyfriend to watch her cat while she was gone. The first day she was gone, the cat was hit by a car and was killed. The first day she was gone she called and asked how her cat was doing. He didn't want to ruin her vacation so he said the cat was fine. The second day she called and he s...

A farmer had a problem; His hogs were not mating. At the feed store he ran into the local veterinarian and

asked for advice. The vet said, “Farmer Heffelfinger here had that same issue and managed to resolve it himself by artificial insemination”.
The farmer, not knowing exactly what that term meant asked how he will know if it has worked.
“Well, they’l be real sleepy the next day”.
Back on t...

A man takes his sick Chihuahua to the veterinarian. They’re immediately taken back to a room.

A man takes his sick Chihuahua to the veterinarian. They’re immediately taken back to a room.

Soon, a Labrador walks in, sniffs the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Then a cat comes in, stares at the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Finally, the doctor comes in, prescribes some medici...

I don't think veterinarians should be called doctors.

They should be called dogtors.

You must understand, to be a veterinarian in Australia

One must have the proper Koalafications

What did the veterinarian diagnose the elderly dog with who couldn’t stop shaking its paws?

Pawkinson’s



(I made this one up so it might need a bit of work)
Alternate version includes a dog with barkinson’s who can’t stop barking lol

A gorilla in a zoo was depressed.

The veterinarian tells the zookeeper "She is in heat and she really needs to be bred".

The zookeeper says "we don't have a male gorilla. I'm not sure...."

About that time a janitor walks by pushing a broom so the zookeeper pulls the elderly man to the side.

"Sir, would you mate ...

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What did the veterinarian say to the duck after the duck jokingly said,"just put it on my bill."?

What the fuck, you can talk!!

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Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian's.

One of the dogs was hanging its head and sighing.


The second dog turned to him and asked, "What are you in here for, buddy?"


"I'm in big trouble," he said. "My owner has a really nice sports car with leather seats. I just love to go for rides in it. Well, the other day, he to...

A barista, a viking, and a veterinarian are getting dinner together.

The topic of vacation comes up and the barista says, "I don't have a lot saved up, so I think I'm going to stick around town this year and just take it easy."

The viking chimes in, "I'm going to take my ship out with my mates and raid the lands to the south." The other two look a bit shocked....

Why do cats make better veterinarians than dogs?

Because dogs can’t operate mri scanners but catscan!

Today is a VERY, VERY sad day.

VERY VERY VERY SAD DAY. A good friend of mine, after 7 years of medical school and training has been fired for one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. He is still paying his school loans. T...

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What's the difference between an animal doctor and an ex nazi?

One's a veterinarian, and the other's an aryan veteran

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Dr. Mike had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Mike, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of ...

"She's a Veterinarian."

Every Sunday morning a little old lady places $1,000 in the donation box at church. After a few weeks the Priest, overcome with curiosity, approaches her.
“Mrs. Smythe, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the donation box.'”
“Why yes,” she...

What do you call a veterinarian who's real good at poker? (first post)

Ace of spays

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Ernie the Hamster

I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened:


Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me, "I'm serious,


Dad....

A veterinarian goes to see a doctor...

The Doctor starts asking questions about the pain and how long he has been feeling ill.
The veterinarian snarky replies: "When I treat the animals I don't have the privilege to ask questions."
The Doctor says ok, then starts examining his patient. After a while he stands up and writes a presc...

When I was little I thought being a veterinarian was the best job in the world

Then I found out they have to do more than put down cats all day

Cat Calls

A veterinarian surgeon had a bad day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals, his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner. After dinner, they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.

At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is ...

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Two dogs are sitting next to each other in a veterinarian's office...

One of the dogs looks at the other. "So, what are you here for?"

 

The other dog looks back. "Well, I guess I have nothing left to lose. I...Well, two days ago, I relieved myself in my master's shoes. When he punished me for it, I chewed his favorite bathrobe to shreds. And......

Doctors were able to convince 70% of the population about the importance of vaccination

Veterinarians are working to convince the 30%.

Hey doctor, can you take a look at this mole on my shoulder?

Doctor: I'm a dermatologist, not a veterinarian!

I was a little anxious when I hired an assassin to kill my best friend,

...but the veterinarian said they do this all the time.

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After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough,...

...as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly al...

A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian.

The doctor pronounces the dog dead. The agitated man demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is d...

A jew, an episcopalian, a veterinarian, a hipster, a redneck, a goth, and a frat boy all walk into a bar that promotes diversity

The bartender says "sorry, we have enough whites."

The Doctor and The Veterinarian

Two lifelong friends, a doctor and a vet, are in a bar. Over the course of a few drinks the topic of conversation moves to work.

"You are lucky" says the vet "Your patients come in and tell you what is wrong with them. It would make treating them so much simpler"
"Ah" retorts the doctor "...

Do you know a good veterinarian?

Got asked this by a friend the other day.

Hey, do you know a good veterinarian?
<he starts flexing his muscles>
'cause these puppies are SICK.

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The farmer and his bull

A farmer calls a veterinarian to come inspect his bull, who didn't seem interested in the cows. The vet rubs his hand across one of the cow's vaginas, rubs it on the bull's nose, and the bull begins to screw the cow. The farmer was impressed with this and decided to try it out later that night with...

As she lay there dozing next to me one voice said, “Relax you’re not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients.”

But another kept reminding me, “Howard you’re a veterinarian”.

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My brother got fired from his job because he had sex with one of his patients...

its a real shame as he was a great veterinarian

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Sex on the job

Client: "Why did you have sex with her?!"

Employee: "*She was just lying there naked! What else was I supposed to do?"*

Client: "The autopsy! The fucking autopsy!"

Employee: "*I don't tell you how to do your job; don't tell me how to do mine!"*

Client: "You're the worst ...

The medical code of ethics is way too strict. Apparently, I’m not allowed to marry a patient even if we’re in a consensual relationship.

I’m really starting to hate being a veterinarian.

Two blondes speaking: - My boyfriend is a veterinarian.

- Oh, did he fight in a war?
- No, you dumbass, he doesn’t eat meat.

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Park Ranger

A small West Virginia Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare
species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla
became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination,
the park veterinarian determined the problem: The gorilla was
in heat. To make matters worse, there...

There was a deep sea fisherman

That accidentally caught an eagle porpoise - a rare species of porpoise (though not endangered) that inhabits the waters off Southern Mexico to Peru (ie, the Pacific coast). This species has a down-turned snout ideal for catching bottom-dwelling mollusks (octopi and squid) that inhabit the reefs and...

A buddy of mine in the medical profession recently lost his job for trying to sleep with a patient...

Let me tell you, being a veterinarian isn't all it's cracked up to be.

There was a farmer who had a horse and a goat…..

One day, the horse became very ill and he called the veterinarian, who said: "Well, your horse has a virus.
He must take this medicine for three days. I'll come back on the 3rd day and if he's not better, we're going to have to put him to sleep."

Nearby, the goat listened closely to their...

Two best friends apart

This joke about two very good friends who grew up together. Tom and Jim. Tom decides to go out of the country for work, and asks his best friend Jim to look after his mother and his cat. Jim promises that he will, and that he will write to Tom to keep in touch.

While working overseas Tom get...

The Vet

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the
next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the...

A lady walks into a veterinarian with a parrot

A lady walks into a veterinarian with a parrot and places the parrot, stiff as a board, onto the vets desk.

"Doctor I think my parrot is sick. Please make him well again!"

The vet takes a look at the parrot and puts his stethoscope on the parrots chest and listens solemnly for a few mo...

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So, there's this man named Dave and he's been a really successful doctor

However, lately he's been facing a little dilemma of wanting to have sex with his patients. One voice in his head says, "Oh come on Dave, there's probably been plenty of doctors who have done this before, it won't be any different if you do it too". The other voice in his head says "But Dave, you're...

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So a doctor is sitting around after just having had sex with one of his patients and he’s feeling pretty guilty about it.

To make himself feel better he thinks “my other doctor friends have sex with their patients. Yeah, it’s not so bad.” He starts to feel a little better, but he thinks about it a little longer... and he thinks “but then again, my other doctor friends aren’t veterinarians..”

Two men argue:

- *How could you sleep with her?!*


- She was naked, what else should I do?


- *The autopsy!*


- Dont tell me what to do!!


- *You are the worst veterinarian ever*!!

I always get weird looks

I always get weird looks from veterinarians when I salute them and thank them for their service to our country.

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When you become a professional in a field yet you're a dirty fecker.

*Doctor*: "Please take off your clothes."

*Dentist*: "Now open wide and hold still "

*Veterinarian*: "How's your pretty pussy.?"

*Gardener*: "Want me to fertilize your bush?"

*Lawyer*: "Let's go over section 69."

*Banker*: "If you withdraw too early you lose intere...

What do you call a blonde-haired, blue-eyed person who served in the military?

A veterinarian.

Had my medical license revoked today.

Being a medical professional is like being in a minefield. All it takes is one mistep and you can lose it all. I made a one-time mistake and slept with a patient. A co-worker heard her passionate crys and came to find us in the act. Embarrassing be as it was, I never expected to be the end of my car...

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What do you call a German WWII vet who still holds on to a bit of the old Nazi ideology?

A Veterinarian

Harry cannot get this voice of guilt out of his head...

It is just engulfing him whole knowing what he’s done.

Then, a soothing voice comes along in his head and says “it’s okay harry, you’re not the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients.”

Unfortunately for him, another voice sweeps him back to reality.

“Harry, you’re a ve...

"Dog Sitting"

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbors male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rush...

My veterinarians favorite joke.

A traveling salesman is walking down a country road, and passes a farm. In the middle of the field he sees a farmer, standing under an apple tree. The farmer holds a pig in his arms. The salesman stops and watches as the farmer walks around the tree with the pig, and holds it up so that the pig can ...

Once there was a girl named Darling...

... had a particularly rough childhood because of her uncommon name. She always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school and hated her parents for the pain they inflicted on her. By the time she graduated school, however, she overcame her anger and embraced her unusual name finding it brought her so...

His Confession

"Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest replies, "Tell me your sins my child."

The doctor says, "I slept with five of my patients. I know it was wrong, not mention unethical. Since it happened, I've barely been able to sleep and I have no appetite. I feel so guilty." ...

Cheap cow...

The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Sicily. It was absolutely wonderful. it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to m...

The King and Queen get a Puppy

After the whole donkey episode, the King and Queen decide to stick to dogs, and get a dachshund. Barely a month old, the puppy was given to the couple after being abandoned by its mother, the only one of the litter to survive.

Night after night, the court physicians and veterinarians watched ...

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The Cross eyed Cow

One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed. He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow. The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow’s butt, and blew into the tube until the cow’s eyes str...

A few weeks ago I hit a pig on my way home from work...

It was dark. I live in a rural part of the south and my drive home takes me down some country backroads.

I wasn't going very fast but when I hit it it flew down the road a few yards. I went to check on it amd it got up and ran away. Today I got the veterinarian bill from the pigs owner. I we...

My Uncle was fired for sleeping with one of his patients...

The worst part is that he's a veterinarian.

Lol just kidding, he's a pediatrician.

Did you hear about the doctor who permanently lost his license JUST for sleeping with one of his patients?!?

He was a great veterinarian.

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A doctor falls madly in love.... [NSFW]

A doctor falls madly in love with one of his patients and ends up having sex with her. It was the best sex he had ever had in his life and he could not stop thinking about her.

One voice in his head says, "It's ok, it happens to some doctors".

To which another voice replies, "You SICK ...

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An acquaintance of mine just got his medical license revoked because he had sexual relations with one of his patients.

It's a shame, he was the best veterinarian in the city.

Why California is broke and Texas is not.

The governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the governor's dog, then bites the governor. The governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie Bambi and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.<...

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