This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Five surgeons were talking about the best patients...

First surgeon says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything on the inside is numbered."
Second surgeon says, "Nah - librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
Third surgeon responds, "Try electricians, man! Everything in...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dr. Mike had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Mike, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of your patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just le...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is nothing worse than a doctors receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of patients

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nurse at the ICU noticed a patient trying to say something through his oxygen mask.

Nurse: Sorry, what was that again?

Patient: Are my testicles black?

Nurse : Excuse me?

Patient : Are my testicles black?

The nurse was quite young and beautiful,and was used to getting hit on by patients. But seeing the state the poor man was in, she decided to check ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A professor develops a theory to determine how truthful patients are when asked about their sex life.

According to the theory, the wider the smile is, the more frequent the intercourse.

To put his theory into practice, he invites some of his patients into the practice.

He goes up to the first one, asks him a few questions and, seeing the smile, asks:

\- You're together once a w...

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day as they were walking past the hospital pool, Ralph jumps into the deep end and sinks to the bottom and just stayed there..

..Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse became aware of this heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged as now she was considered to be mentally stable. She went to tell Edna the news in person. “Edna, I have good news and b...

How does a deaf gynecologist know what is his patients’ issues are?

He reads lips

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex

The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma..

A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma when she notices that the patients heart rate and breathing increase whenever she cleans the genital area. She gets the idea that oral sex might actually revive her. She calls the patient's husband over and explains that oral sex might revive her,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

China started anal swabbing covid-19 patients for rapid results...

Step 1: Insert swab into butthole.
Step 2: Remove, and insert swab into nose.
Step 3: If you smelled it, congrats, you are COVID negative.


Results: Instantaneous.

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?

To get to the other side.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Five surgeons are discussing who are the best patients to operate on. From Todays GCFL

Five surgeons are discussing who are the best patients to operate on.


The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."


The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Eve...

Today I learned why Alzheimer's patients love r/jokes

Because there are no reposts


Ps I'm so sorry.

Did you hear about the Easter egg hunt for the Alzheimer's patients?

They hid their own eggs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As an internist, I always recommend that constipated patients eat more fiber, but with little success.

Apparently, they don't give a shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four surgeons are discussing their favorite patients to work on.

The first surgeon to speak says "librarians are my favorite; when you cut them open, everything inside is alphabetical filed."

The next surgeon replies "I prefer to work on accountants, because everything is in numerical order."

The third surgeon rebuttles "electricians are the best, w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor accidentally emailed the results of all his vasectomy patients to everyone on the internet.

They were publicly desemenated.

My girlfriend wanted to do doctor roleplaying.

I sat in the waiting room for about an hour while she saw two other patients who came in after me.

Nicola Sturgeon is being shown around an Edinburgh hospital when one of the patients sits up in bed and exclaims:

"Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, great chieftain o' the pudden race!"

Before Nicola can respond, another patient responds: "Wee, sleekit, cowerin', timorous beastie! O what a panic's in thy breastie!"

while a third one chimes in with "Some hae meat and cannae eat, and some wad eat th...

Doctor Doctor

A newly graduated doctor opened a clinic with a novel idea to bring in patients. If he were able to solve the patient’s problem he would charge them $500. However, if he couldn’t treat the patient, he would give them $1,000.


The new doctor was soon making more money than the old doctor’s ...

Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:

"Some h...

I was walking by an insane asylum

I was walking by an insane asylum the other day and as I passed, I heard some patients that were out in the yard from other side of the wooden fence saying "16, 16, 16, 16, 16, 16..." They kept saying it over and over. Curiosity got the best of me, so I found a small hole in the fence and peered thr...

A guy walks into a bar, orders a drink, and begins to cry

The bar tender takes notice and asks "hey, what's wrong"

"I've been caught sleeping with my patients, I'm going to loose my license."

"You're crying because of that? My cousin sleeps with his patients all the time, you have nothing to fear."

"Oh yeah? Is your cousin a veterinar...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the recreation room of a psychiatric hospital, there were three patients

...named Jimmy, Freddy, and Sonny. The doctor visited them to check if their condition has improved and if they're ready to be discharged.

He first went to Jimmy. Jimmy was writing something on a notebook. He asked "What are you doing, Jimmy?" Jimmy replied "I'm writing a poem, doctor." The...

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, "13... 13... 13..."

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all started shouting, "14.... 14... 14..."

Two patients were sitting in a mental hospital cafetaria

Suddenly on the table over, a man, sitting all alone, started laughing hysterically.

First patient asked, "What do you make of that?"

"What, Jimmy two-face over there? That guy has split personality disorder", said the second patient.

"So what?" said the first patient.

"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pissed off God by not seeing everyday miracles.

There's an old joke...

There's a flood. A man is standing in knee deep water in his house. Another man in a canoe paddles by and says "Get in I'll row you to safety!"

The man says,"No thanks. I've prayed and God will save me".

The water gets to his chest. Another man in a bass b...

After earning his DDS; a dentist went and opened up his own practice.

He became widely known for his amazing skills, and was highly praised + recommended by every patient he ever had. One year; he was nominated for (and won) a prestigious medical award. Inscribed upon its ornate surface was his name and the specific honor: “Global Recognition of Outstanding Surgical S...

In a psych ward, a doctor decides to test if some of the patients were getting better.

He gathered them all in a big room, drew a motorcycle on a wall and said “The person who can start this motorcycle will be allowed to go free!”

All patients rushed to it, trying to start the engine, except one, who was just looking at them from a distance and giggling. The doctor approached ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to the doctor because of blue balls.

He comes in to the doctors office and says

"Doctor! Doctor! One of my balls is completely blue! It doesn't hurt, but im really afraid"

The Doctor looks at the patients testicle and agrees that it doesn't look very good. The doctor decides to be on the safe side and removes the patien...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor has sex with one of his patients

He feels guilty all day and no matter how hard he tries he just cant get it out of his mind. This feeling of guilt and sense of betrayal was so overwhelming that he couldn't even go to sleep.

Finally he heard a reassuring voice inside his own head. It told him "Don't worry about it. These th...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.