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Patients Jokes

how many alziemers patients does it take to change a light bulb?

to get to the other side

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Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything ins...

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NSFW A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma..

A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma when she notices that the patients heart rate and breathing increase whenever she cleans the genital area. She gets the idea that oral sex might actually revive her. She calls the patient's husband over and explains that oral sex might revive her,...

What do you call a cannibal who only eats coma patients?

A vegetarian.

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Dr. Mike had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Mike, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of your patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just le...

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There is nothing worse than a doctors receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of patients



I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dic...

Jim and Edna are both mental patients. One day Jim jumps into the swimming pool but, doesn't come up for air. Quick as a flash, Edna sees her friend in trouble, so dives in and pulls him out.

Later, the hospital director calls Edna into his office and sayes "Edna, Ive got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, we are releasing you as you are obviously sane 'saving anothers life'. But unfortunately, the bad news is that Jim hanged himself in the bathroom ..."
"Oh no' Edna ...

Why do some covid patients need to take a shower?

Because they are starting to smell again

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So a doctor has sex with one of his patients...

And is feeling pretty down about it. On his left shoulder appears a devil. The devil consoles him saying "Hey man, don't even worry about it. Doctors have sex with their patients all the time. You are definitely not the only one." Then on his right shoulder appears an angel who says "Come on man! Yo...

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My brother got fired from his job because he had sex with one of his patients...

its a real shame as he was a great veterinarian

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6 patients in a psych ward.

There are 6 patients in a mental facility all sitting around chatting. There was a zoophile, a sadist, a murderer, a necrophiliac, a pyromanic, and a masochist. And for some reason they are talking about cats.

The zoophile says, "I know! Let's get a cat, and fuck it!"

To which the sadi...

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out....

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A nurse at the ICU noticed a patient trying to say something through his oxygen mask.

Nurse: Sorry, what was that again?

Patient: Are my testicles black?

Nurse : Excuse me?

Patient : Are my testicles black?

The nurse was quite young and beautiful,and was used to getting hit on by patients. But seeing the state the poor man was in, she decided to check ...

Where do Peek-a-boo patients go?

The ICU.

What do ATMs and rehab patients have in common?

Withdrawals.

A psychiatrist is testing his patients

He asks the first one "what is 4+2?" The patient replies "potato" The doctor is disappointed and moves on to the next one. He asks the second one "what is 4+2?" the patient replies "5000" The doctor is disappointed and moves on to the next one. He asks the third one "what is 4+2?" the patient replie...

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A doctor just recently had sex with one of his patient..

..and he really feels bad about it.


-
**poof** a little devil appears on his left shoulder and speaks to him;
"Come on bro! Its not that bad. Many doctors fuck with their patients and it was awesome!"

-
**poof** A little angel appears on his right shoulder "Duuuuude, you´r...

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China started anal swabbing covid-19 patients for rapid results...

Step 1: Insert swab into butthole.
Step 2: Remove, and insert swab into nose.
Step 3: If you smelled it, congrats, you are COVID negative.


Results: Instantaneous.

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In a mental hospital, a doctor visited 3 of his patients

he saw patient 1 reading a book and says "Wow, you're improving"
patient 1 says, "I'm just reading a book"
then, he saw patient 2 writing and says "Wow, you're improving too"
patient 2 says, "I'm just writing a poem"

But then, he saw patient 3 sitting on the table
the doctor excla...

There’s two patients at a psych ward and the first one says to the other

“I’m gonna break outta here, you in?”

The second one says “sure, but what’s your plan?”

To which the other replies “I’m just gonna walk outta here”

The second patient then exclaims “what?! Are you crazy?”

To which the first replies “well of course I am! What do you...

A doctor says, "I have bad news, and very bad news." "What's the bad news?" Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news?"

I should have told you yesterday.

A Psychiatrist Had No Patients In His Office…..

Suddenly, the door opened slowly and a man crept into the room on four legs.
His mouth was full with pieces of colored plastic.
He was holding strange objects in his hands.
He was dragging cables along behind himself.
The doctor was glad because of the visit and exclaimed,
“And what d...

Two Patients

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The second pat...

A doctor is calling in patients from the waiting room

-due to new privacy regulations we aren't allowed to call in patients by their name, so could the lady with hemorrhoids please follow me?

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”
...

I heard patients were not sleeping well at the hospital

So I unplugged all the loud annoying beeping things in their rooms. They sleep much better now

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A patient visits his doctor

While checking the patients throat the Doctor says “So…had some oral sex this morning did we?”.

“Why yes” replied the patient. “How did you know? Is it because I’ve got real funky breath?”

“No”. Said the doctor.

“Oh. Do I have a pubic hair caught in my teeth?” asked the patient....

A new guy starts working at the local mental asylum.

After giving him some general indications, the director tells him to ask any question he may have.

-Yes, director, I have one. How do we know if a patient is cured and ready to leave the asylum?

-Well -says the director-, once per year, we gather some of them and ask them a question. I...

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A psychologist has a party for all of her patients

She instructs everyone to come dressed as an emotion. As the party begins, she sees her first patient come in dressed in all red. The psychologist asks her "what are you dressed as" and the patient replies "I'm dressed as anger and rage." The next patient comes in and is dressed in all blue. The psy...

I've just been let go from my job at the hospital, shaving patients in preparation for spinal surgery.

It's due to all the cut backs.

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So I told my wife she'd look sexier with her hair back

Apparently that's not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.

I asked my proctologist:. What happened to all the patients who had their colonoscopys delayed due to covid.....

He said, "oh we got caught up. Everyone got it in the end".

Who do the doctors send to deliver unfortunate news to the patients family?

The ultrasound guy

A Doctor claims to treat patients with 100% Results otherwise he will give 100$

A man walks inside the clinic and says **"Doctor, I have lost my taste buds. I can't feel the taste of anything."** The Doctor replies **"Don't worry. I will give you a syrup and you wil regain your taste buds. Nurse, pls give him the blue bottle."** The man drinks the content of the blue bottle and...

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Three psychiatrists are having a drink after work, talking about their newest patients.

The first one says, “My most recent patient works as a telemarketer. She has a lot of hang ups.”

The second one added, “I have a new patient who works at the sewage treatment plant. He’s into a lot of crazy shit.”

The third one is silent, but after some prodding says “We’ll, I can’t ...

What do you call a Muslim optometrist who has no regards for his patients?

Asif Eyecare

A doctor is talking to one of his patients

Doctor: "Who's your favorite rapper?"

Boy: "Eminem!"

Doctor: "Would you like to meet him someday?"

Boy: "Of course!"

Doctor: "Well he's busy right now but you'll meet tupac soon!"

Boy: "But he's dead..."

Doctor: "I know."

Why do psychiatrists give their patients shock treatment?

To prepare them for the bill

Psychiatrist asks two patients to act they're in a grocery store

he told them that if they do it well, he'll sign them off the hospital.

so the first asks for one gallon of potatoes

the second one bursts into laughter

the doctor was happy his patient is cured, but asks him for confirmation : "why are you laughing ?" ...

Which doctor sees cancer patients at 3am?

The on-call-ogist.

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3 surgeons were arguing on the golf course about who makes the best patients.

The first one said he loved librarians to operate on. When you open them up, every part is in alphabitical order. The second doc said no, electricians are the best! Everything inside is color coded. The third doc said he had spent most of his career working in D C. That the absolute best surgical p...

A man walks by a homeless guy holding a sign that says "hungry and homeless, I was a vet! "

The homeless guy tells the man that he had lost his job due to the government screwing him for something he did during his service, so the man gives him some change and thanks him for his service.

As the man walks away the homeless guy yells "WHAT'S SO BAD ABOUT DOCTOR-PATIENT RELATIONSHIPS ...

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You guys hear the one about the orderly sleeping with mental patients?

He was fucking nuts.

Today I learned why Alzheimer's patients love r/jokes

Because there are no reposts


Ps I'm so sorry.

Why are coronavirus patients bad at basketball?

They always travel

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