UPJOKE
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4 out of 5 dentists agree ...

the 5th one is a dick.

I heard that on the radio this morning.

What do dentists call x-rays?

Tooth Pics!

How did the dentist become a brain surgeon?

The drill slipped.

A man goes to the dentist to ask how much it would be to pull a tooth.

“$100,” said the dentist.

“Oh, that’s expensive,” said the main. “Do you have anything cheaper?”

“That’s the normal price for an extraction,” said the dentist.

The man thinks about it, “what about if you don’t use the anesthetic?”

“Well, that would be unusual, but we ...

Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”

Shaking my head. “Dude, you were there!”

A Visit To The Dentist...

An old lady went to visit her dentist.
When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, **lowered her underpants, and raised her skinny legs all the way up**.
The **dentist was shocked** and with his eyes wide open he screamed: “**MADAM, PLEASE PULL YOUR PANTS BACK UP**. I’m not a gynecologist!...

A bad day at the dentist is better than a bad day at the airport.

Because a search for cavities sure beats a cavity search.

Dentist always dumb questions like “when’s the last time you flossed?”

Like bro you were there wtf

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I went to see a dentist.

After examining my mouth: "There's something wrong with your taste bud."


"What is it?" I asked.

He said, "Well, for a first, those shoes are fucking hideous."

A woman goes to a new dentist for the first time.

When she sees his name on the diploma, she thinks she must've gone to high school with this guy. Then she sees him and thinks it couldn't possibly be the same guy. This overweight, balding guy with wrinkles on his face and tobacco stains down the front of his shirt. But she sits in the big chair and...

Dentists make a living from people with bad teeth.

Why would you use a toothpaste that 9/10 dentist recommend?

Why do hookers make great dentists?

They’re pros at drilling, filling and billing.

Did you hear about the outlaw who became a dentist?

He robbed his patients at gum-point.

What does the dentist of the year get?

A little plaque

My dentist can knock you out with gas or his boat paddle.

It’s a matter of ether oar

My dentist removed the wrong tooth.

It was accidental.

Imagine America's best dentists competing against each other in fixing dental problems

We'll call the show "Top Gum"

Instead of going to the dentist, I go to the airport

That way, I never have to pay for cavity searches.

Why is it OK to lie to a dentist?

Because the tooth hurts.

My dentist told me "This might hurt a little bit. Are you ready?"

I said "Yes, I'm ready."

He said "I'm sleeping with your wife."

A close friend of a doctor, a dentist, and a lawyer dies

At the funeral, the doctor says to his two friends, “Where I come from it is traditional to honor the deceased by placing money on him to take to the grave with his burial.” So the other two agree to do this.

The doctor goes up to the coffin and after paying his last respects, places a $100 b...

When is the best time to go to the dentist?

tooth-hurty

What is a dentists favorite pet?

A canine!

Patient and Dentist..

Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled? Dentist: $100.00. Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work? Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like.

You know when you have a dentist appointment so you brush your teeth extra to have a clean mouth?

Well, I have a prostate exam coming up. Now I need a new toothbrush.

A nervous young woman was sitting on dentist chair " I'd rather deliver a baby than having my teeth pulled out "

Dentist " if that's the case , let me just adjust the chair to a better position"

I walked into the dentist’s and whispered, “I think I’m a moth.” The dentist shrugged, “I don’t think you should be here. You need to see a psychiatrist.” I continued, “I am seeing a psychiatrist.” Puzzled, he asked, “What are you doing here then?” I explained...

“The light was on.”

An old woman walks into a dentist's office,

Took off all her clothes and spread her legs. The dentist said "I think you have the wrong room." "you put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."

What did the dentist say to the lady when she woke up from the anesthesia?

You have the prettiest teeth I've ever come across!

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A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled The dentist pulls out the novocaine freezing needle to inject the man. “No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

“I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!”

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.

“No,” the patient says, “I am fine with pills.”...

An IT guy goes to see their dentist..

Dentist: Have you been flossing regularly?
IT Guy: Have you been changing your passwords and using unique passwords for different logins regularly?

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What do pornstars and dentist have in common?

They both work in peoples mouths

a graphic designer, an astrophysicist, a dentist and an electrician walk into a bar

it was queen and they were playing their first gig

What do you call it when Russian dentists and painters unite?

The Brushin’ Federation

What’s the best time of day to see the dentist?

Tooth hurty

I was on a train and this woman opposite looked at me and said, "Everytime you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place...."

I asked, "Are you single?"

She replied, "No, I am a dentist."

A lady goes to the dentist...

... he looks in her mouth and says "that tooth needs to come out".

She says "oh no I'd rather have a baby than have a tooth pulled!!"

He says "ok but make up your mind I need to adjust the chair"

How do dentists pay for their lawyers?

Retainers

Dentist: "This is going to hurt a bit. Ready?"

Me, shutting my eyes, dreading this moment: "Yes, ready."

Dentist: "That will be $700 please."

My dentist asked me how long it had been since I flossed

I said “you should know that, you were there”.

What does mike Tyson wear to the dentist?

A teeth hurt

What is it called when a dentist makes a mistake?

Accidental

Why did the apple pie go to the dentist?

Because it needed a filling!

The house I live in used to be owned by one of the worlds most famous dentists

To commemorate this there is no Plaque

After earning his DDS; a dentist went and opened up his own practice.

He became widely known for his amazing skills, and was highly praised + recommended by every patient he ever had. One year; he was nominated for (and won) a prestigious medical award. Inscribed upon its ornate surface was his name and the specific honor: “Global Recognition of Outstanding Surgical S...

What would we call a stone carving dedicated to the dentists of the world?

Mount Brushmore

the recipe for marble cake is not what you might first think it is.

Totally unrelated topic - anybody know a good dentist?

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I got caught masturbating to a copy of National Geographic

I'm not sure who was the most embarrassed, me or my dentist!

Why do dentists never lie

Because the tooth always comes out

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I finally got to go to the dentist for the first time since the pandemic started…

The doctor was shocked at how clean my teeth were but said my breath smelled like shit and he couldn’t figure out why.

He asked if I’d been brushing regularly and I said yes.

He asked if I flossed regularly and I said as much as I normally do.

He asked if I changed my diet an...

When my dentist reminded me about my husband’s sensitive gag reflex, we laughed and laughed and laughed about it for a while, but then it hit me....

We have different dentists...

I went to a new Dentist to get some dental work done.

He said he's going to put me under and I'll feel a small prick in my mouth.

This experience left a bad taste in my mouth.

While on the run from the cops, Peter hid in a dentist's office.

Seeing that the dentist left for a break, he quickly donned the uniform to avoid getting caught. Soon after, a man entered the office for his appointment. Peter knew nothing about dentistry but he was in too deep to bail.

The client said, "I have a problem with my cavity."

Peter, tryi...

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A joke from my grandfather who was a dentist for 40 years

How do you know that the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia?

Because everywhere else it would be a teethbrush.

The local dentist received an award for being the best dentist in town. Know what they gave him?

A little plaque.

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After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide....

What's something a dentist can say but a gynecologist cannot?

I'm a dentist.


EDIT: Do not read the comments they are not very appropriate.

EDIT 2: Okay people seem to be making a different type of joke to my prompt so I've decided to attach an alternate version: >!I'm not a gynecologist.!<

EDIT 3: This post wouldn't have had to b...

What time does the Asian dentist schedule their appointments?

She doesn't: the office staff schedule them on her behalf at different times throughout the day.

My dentist gives me a new toothbrush every check up which is nice because I save them for when a lady stays the night.

So far I have about a dozen of them saved up.

What's a dentist's favorite subject?

Calculus.

What is a dentist's favourite time?

The Restoration

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old.".

Well . . . you'll love this story..

from a lady called Claire

"My name is Claire..
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his degree on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark...

After the invention of time travel, many historic figures were brought to the present to experience modern culture with varying degrees of success.

George Washington nearly had a heart-attack because of the current state of the two party system, Napoleon tried to conquer Europe once more, and Alfred Einstein became an avid redditer, amongst many other historic events.

But out of all the crazy things happening because of time travel, the ...

The dentist

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Went and had a cavity fixed this morning," the guy tells the bartender. "But it wasn't my usual dentist. Just some guy filling in."

Joke told by my 8 years old niece: At what time do most people go to the dentist?

Tooth hurty

The dentist asks, "What kind of filling do you want?"

The child answers, "Chocolate!"

My dentist was cleaning my teeth and told me to open up more.

I told him I hadn’t seen my father in three years.

A dentist looks into a patient's mouth and says, "That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen. That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen."

"I heard you the first time," says the patient. "You didn't need to say it the second time."

"I didn't," says the dentist. "That was my echo."

A dentist graduated from Hogwarts...

He’s now known as the “Wizard of Aahhhs”

My dentist told me to open up

I told him I often have trouble putting people's words into context.

He said he can tell.

My dentist said my teeth were stained and then asked me "Do you smoke or drink coffee?"

I said ... "I drink it"

I was at the dentist the other day

Dentist: this is going to hurt a little

Me: it’s ok i’m ready

Dentist: i’ve been sleeping with your mom

Why did the queen go to the dentist?

She had severe gingivitis.

Dentist: "You need a crown."

Me:”Finally, someone who understands me."

What is the difference between a philosopher and a dentist?

A dentist helps you solve *molar* dilemmas

I fell in love with a Dentist, she broke up with me.

Now my heart has a cavity no one can fill.

What do you call an elephant dentist?

A plaquey-derm

Tea-bagging people when they pass out is funny as hell

The other dentists at my surgery have no sense of humour.

What did the Dentist say when he was being prosecuted in court?

YOU CANT HANDLE THE TOOTH!!!!!!

I hold my boyfriend and my dentist to the same standard...

They're not allowed to ask me open ended questions when they're in my mouth.

My dentist told me I'm right on the brink of having tooth decay

He said the situation was precarious.

What will the Monster eat after the Dentist pulled out his teeth?

The Dentist

I went to the dentist and they said I need a crown,

I thought "recognition at last"

I've been to the dentist a few times before,

so I know the drill.

My dentist mocked me today, saying that even though he's much older than me, he has healthier teeth.

I said it must be because he has the better dentist.

What will the dentist give you for $1?

Buck teeth!

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

Fergus goes to the dentist and asks about the cost of a tooth extraction.

$85 for an extraction sir," was the dentists reply.

"Och huv ye nay got unythin cheaper," replies the Scotsman getting agitated.

"But that's the normal charge for an extraction sir," replied the dentist.

"What aboot if ye didnae use uny anaesthetic?" asked Fergus hopefully. <...

Why did the British Dentist regret giving the entitled man a crown

The patient started acting like a tyrant

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A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him,

He says, "that tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."

The man grabs the dentist's arm, "no way. I hate needles I'm not having any shot!"

So the dentist says, "okay, we'll have to go with the gas."

The man replies, "abs...

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Husband & Wife Negotiating the “Nudge”

Husband and Wife are laying in bed. The husband rolls over and gives his wife the nudge. She says, not tonight honey. No sex tonight. I have a gynecologist appointment in the morning. I will make it up to you.
The husband agrees and rolls back over. A few minutes pass and the husband roll...

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A dentist is terrified of women

A dentist's father raised his son alone since his wife had cheated on him. He always told his son to avoid women like the plague.

One day, a beautiful woman is shown in to the dentist's exam room. She is quite flirtatious with the dentist and makes no secret of the fact that she's interested....

I told my kids I was gonna take them to that place with the Ferris wheel and cotton candy, but instead I took them to the dentist

They said it wasn’t fair

Why do social justice warriors hate dentists?

Because they make teeth straight and white.

Why does TSA like to hire dentists as supervisors?

They are already experts in performing cavity searches.

Be kind to your dentist.

He has fillings too.

A man, crying in pain, complains to the dentist “It feels like my left jaw is possessed by the devil!”

“Oh! Then eat right and exorcise”

Dentist warns his patient, “This might be a bit painful.”

Patient: “That’s OK, I’ll handle it.”


The dentist sighs, “For a while now, I’ve been having an affair with your wife.”

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What did the Nazi dentist say on reddit?

Thanks for the gold kind stranger!

Don’t you just hate when your halfway through your rectal exam and remember...

**You're at the dentist.**

I took my father to the dentist.

My father is very old and frail, so he needs help when he leaves the house. The other day, I had to take him to the dentist.

Due to Covid-19 protocols, every person who went into the building had to have a temperature check. There was a lady and her mother in front of us, and when checked, t...

Dentist : "open wide"

My wife with her reflex : "i am tired and sleepy"

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.



"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says.
"Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60."
"That's still too expensive," the man says.
"Okay," says the de...

I have the worst dentist in the world.

He even got a little plaque to prove it.

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A guy goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted. She pulled out a large syringe to give an anesthetic shot.

"No way, no needles! I hate needles!" the man exclaimed.
So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and the man said, "I can't do the gas thing. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!"
The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill....

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