This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Walmart recently installed a medical kiosk and for $10 it would diagnose any condition through a urine sample.

When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.

He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Medical Problem

A man was admitted to hospital today with twenty-five toy horses stuffed up his rectum. doctors have listed his condition as 'stable'.

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulatio...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 45 y.o. married woman went for a medical check-up

After she returned home she says to her husband:
'Good news, everything is ok, & the doctor even said I have the breasts of a 25 y.o. woman'


Husband says: 'Oh really, & what did he say about your 45 y.o. ass?'


Wife: 'Funnily enough, your name never came up'

What's the number one reason for requesting a medical marijuana card?

"I need it for my joints!"

What do you call medical students who graduated online ?

‘Google docs’

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head...

Did you know there's only one medical procedure where you *have* to leave a tip?

Circumcision.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

First day at medical school..

It was the first day at medical school and all the students gathered around a corpse in a lab next to the professor.

The professor says, "There are two important lessons every person wanting to be a doctor should learn. The first lesson is that you should never feel disgusted about the human ...

My grandmother had a medical scare recently.

She felt a lump under her breast. Turns out it was just her kneecap.

A member of the family in a London medical college was appointed an honorary physician to the king.

He proudly wrote a notice on the blackboard in his class-room room : " Professor Jennings informs his students that he has been appointed honorary physician to His Majesty, King George."
When he returned to the class-room in the afternoon he found written below his notice this line :

" God...

You know what they call the person who finishes last in medical school?

Doctor

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The American Medical Association has weighed in on Trump's Coronavirus strategy

The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologist had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.    Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring unde...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nine medical tests you can do yourself.

Wander into the back garden and piss on your neighbor’s fence (again).

If it dries quickly, you have high sodium (salt) levels and pending heart problems.

If it attracts ants your sugar level is too high and you might be diabetic.

If your piss is dark and of limited quantity, yo...

A stoner comes to the doctors for some medical issues

The checkup is going well until the doctor notices an unrelated bruise on his leg. He asks the stoner and the guy elaborates.

“So my friend gave me a magic blunt,” the stoner says “my friend tells me that if I’m not careful then the blunt can cause problems and turn to stone. Well I ignored ...

Having someone respond to a medical emergency has gotten sooo expensive.

Maybe instead of sending a Para Medics they should only send one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A middle aged lady has a medical check-up for the first time in her life

and when she arrives back home she tells her husband:

For thirty years I thought those were orgasms but it turns out I have asthma.

What kind of fish has a medical degree?

A Sturgeon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Australian medical helpline...

"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline...What's the problem cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up."

"Bummer mate!"

" Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."

Sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and many hours of hard work, one of my colleagues was struck off today due to a minor indiscretion....

He slept with one of his patients. Even though they were good friends, he is no longer allowed to work in the profession he has loved all this time. Such a shame as he is a genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet...

An engineer accidentally gave a medical school exam. See his answers:

1. Antibody - One who hates his body .

2. Artery - Study of Fine Paintings or military, not sure.

3. Bacteria - Back door of a Cafeteria .

4. Coma - Punctuation Mark .

5. Gall Bladder - Bladder of a Girl .

6. Genes - Blue Denim.

7. Labour Pain - Hurt at Work...

They told me that it’ll take a few years before my medical practice gets off the ground.

But I don’t have the patients.

Strange medical issue

Guy, suddenly feeling quite 'off ' makes an appointment to see his doctor. When he finally sees his doctor, the doc asks "so what's going on?". The guy replies "well doc, it's weird but I can suddenly tell future". Perplexed, the doctor asks "well when did this start?" The man replies "next Tuesday"...

What do you call the worst student in a graduating class of medical students?

Doctor.

Why God? Why?

One day a fellow was watching Fox News and learned about a new virus that was rapidly spreading and quickly killing those who got sick with it. The nightly news reports got worse and worse, this Covid-19 virus was spreading around the world and killing increasingly large numbers of people. But he wa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dr. Mike had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Mike, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of your patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just le...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the medical name for Homer's premature ejaculation?

A Dohnut

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex and Golf

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to first-year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend asked if I could get a bell medically implanted in my penis

So she can hear me coming

My doctor told me that, due to an obscure medical condition, I would never be able to feel shocked or frightened ever again.

I wasn't surprised.

I failed my medical school entrance exam because of nerves.

The correct answer was blood vessels.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the medical student who wrote a porn novel?

It's called 50 Shades of Grey's Anatomy.

After earning his DDS; a dentist went and opened up his own practice.

He became widely known for his amazing skills, and was highly praised + recommended by every patient he ever had. One year; he was nominated for (and won) a prestigious medical award. Inscribed upon its ornate surface was his name and the specific honor: “Global Recognition of Outstanding Surgical S...

Today I went for a routine medical examination

Everything was going fine, till he stuck a finger right up my bum.

Do you think I need a new dentist?

Kek day joke: What do you call the person who graduates medical school with the lowest GPA?

Doctor.

I have this unusual medical condition where I can’t stop making silly airport puns.

The doctor says it’s terminal.

Medical College Professor to a girl student...

"Which human body part expands 5 times its normal size...?"

Girl Student : "Sir I can't answer this question, it's too embarrassing..”

Professor asked the same question to a male student.

Male Student : "It's the Pupil of a human eye...”

Professor : "Correct."

Then...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

First year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class

First year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered in a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine,it is necessary to have two important qu...

Where do snowmen go in a medical emergency?

The ICY-U

Lawyers

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just learned the medical name for Viagra.

Mycoxaflopin

When I was young, I decided to go to a medical school.

At the entrance exam, we were asked to re-arrange letters

'PNEIS'

and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered 'SPINE' are doctors today while rest are on Reddit.

Medical exam

During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says, "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor. "No! No! .... Just stick out your tong...

A young man was drafted and sent to medical evaluation

The doctor asked him to read the first five letters on the poster. He quickly replied “What poster?” after which he was relieved of duty.

Unfortunately, as he went to the cinema that night, he was seated right next to the very same doctor. Without hesitation, he tapped the doctor on the shou...

As a child I had a medical condition where I had to eat dirt 3 times a day in order to survive

Luckily my older brother told me about it

Credit to comedian Milton Jones, original author of the joke

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tales from the front line

Back in my Army days (mid 80s) we were on a winter training exercise with the medical battalion. Our platoon was assigned the job of being casualties for the treatment company.

They assigned us our roles told us what injuries we were supposed to have sustained then dispatched us out in the Bu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Miracles CAN Occur! NSFW

There's a city with a fierce storm and the flood waters threaten to rise.

A devout man goes outside and prays, "Dear Lord, please save me from this flood!"

A bus rolls up to the man and says, "Get in! I'm taking you to safety!"

The man says, "No. God will provide for me." And t...

What do conservatives call medical marijuana?

Medi-sin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is sitting next to a woman...

A man is sitting next to a woman. man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of a plane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes la...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor breaking the news

A patient is at the doctors office, it is the end of his appointment and he is discussing the results with his doctor. The doctor says: “Why don’t you go downstairs to the vending machine and buy yourself a drink on me, this next bit of news might be tough to hear.” The doctor rummages around his po...

Today I wrote my first fully original joke. It's bad.

So there was once this one giant who had magic powers. So the giant being so tall and heavy was afraid of storing things on the floor because he would sometimes step on them and break them without realizing it.

After enough times of that happening he decided he would use his magic to just ma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In order to identify the body formally, the Los Angeles County medical examiner called in Bubba’s two close friends Jim-Bob and Joe-Bob

The medical examiner showed Jim-Bob the body and he responded with a sharp intake of breath and then said, “Oh jeez, he’s burnt to a crisp. Could you roll him over please sir?”

So the medical examiner rolled the body and Jim-Bob responded immediately saying, “No sir, that ain’t Bubba.”
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy is sitting on a park bench,

Eating 5 pounds of chocolate. He's eating, eating, eating, really having the time of his life. As he finishes the bag, an old man walks up to him and says "Son, you know it's really not good to eat so much chocolate! You'll get diabetes, high cholesterol, it can really cause serious medical issues."...

What does a medical equation have in common with an onion?

They both make you cry

During WWII a badly injured British pilot has to bail out over occupied France.

He's found, in very bad shape, and transferred to the medical wing of a German prisoner of war camp. After a week, the doctors tell him that the infection in his left leg means they're going to have to amputate. "OK," says the airman. "Just, if you would, do me one favour. Drop the leg over my airba...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An oldie I haven't seen here yet...

So this lady is driving along when BAM one of her tyres gets a puncture so she pulls over to the side of the road. She takes off the wheel with the flat tyre so she can change to her spare, but just as she takes it off a big dog runs past and knocks all 4 lug nuts down a nearby drain.

As she ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be e...

Archangel Starbase, Status Report

Archangel Starbase is operational.

Courier/cargo wing, Gabriel Bay, operating at 90% of capacity.

Medical/Search & Rescue wing, Raphael Bay, ready at three minutes’ notice 24/7.

Military wing, Michael Bay, keeps exploding.

I have a medical condition, where i sometimes Turn into a small Tower with a weapon on top.

My doctor said, it is called "Turret-Syndrome"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Doctor Sex Joke

2 Doctors hit it off at a Medical Conference.

After a few drinks they take off to the male Doctors hotel room and engage in sex.

Over breakfast the next day the male Doctor says, “You must be a Surgeon”.
“How did you know that?”
“Well you kept getting up to wash your hands.”
<...

I had an appointment with a doctor's office to get my medical marijuana card the other day...

When asked where I heard of them, I told him my friend reeferred me.

A man goes to the doctor.

He tells the doctor he's been hearing strange buzzing noises all week. The sounds come and go at all times of day, but they have been most intense at night. Sometimes there are multiple distinct buzzes at a time, at different frequencies. The patient says he has hardly slept for the past week becaus...

A man went to the doctor...

He said, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has...

A deer enters a bar...

A deer enters a bar and sits by the bartender. "Whatever's on tap, and keep them coming. I lost a patient today."

The bartender brings over a drink and says, "That's really rough. But I've never met a deer that's a medical practitioner. How did that happen?"

The deer replied, "Well I c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Big Chief was suffering from constipation for over a week...

He hadn't laid a log in what felt like forever and this caused him great frustration, pain and discomfort. In great desperation, he decides to visit the tribe's witch doctor in the hope of finally loosening his bowels.

The witch doctor let's him in and says "Hey there Big Chief, to what do I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Born without a Torso

A young couple goes through the heartbreak of giving birth to a baby who has no torso--the poor lad is just a head. Still, they are good parents and raise him with love, hoping for a breakthrough from medical science. Then, just before the boy's fifth birthday, the parents get a call from their doct...

NSFW My American friend told me that she had a medical condition called prolapse

Prolapse... Isn't that considered a talent in Germany???

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

English Football joke.

A policeman stops a suspected drunk driver and asks him to take a

breath test, the driver pulls out a medical card which says 'this man

is asthmatic please do not take his breath.'

So the policeman asks him to take a blood test, the man then

pulls out another card which ...

With the far right prescribing UV and sunlight for medical cures

They have finally seen the benefits of solar power.

A local law enforcement officer stops a car

for traveling faster than the speed limit. Since he was in a good mood that day, he decides to give the poor guy a break and give him a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.

“Fred,” he replies.

“Fred what?” the officer asks.

“Just Fred,” the man responds....

An engineer had a sign in front of his clinic that said, "Medical consultation for only $50. If I can't make you better, I will pay you $100."

A doctor, knowing he can stump the engineer and wanting to get some cash, goes straight to the engineer. "Hey," he says. "I lost my sense of taste. I can't taste any food anymore."

The engineer takes a small bottle from his drawer, told the doctor to take his tongue out, and put 15 drops of t...

It’s never a good idea to attempt any type of cardiac surgery before going to medical school.

That would be putting the heart before the course.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An medical forensics professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students.

Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. “There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.” Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus, withdrew it, then licked his finger. “Now you must do the same,” he told the class. A...

What do you call a Catholic Cardinal's personal medical staff?

Bird watchers.

My grandfather died because the medical report said he had Type A blood.

Unfortunately it was a Type-O.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Medical Exams

Two brothers enlisting in the army were having their medical exams. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.

“How do you account for this?” he asked the brothers.

“It’s hereditary, sir,” the older one re...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you guys know too much sex can cause memory loss?

I learnt that in a medical journal, page 34. At 3:38pm on Thursday the 7th.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is a new medical test to test for penile cancer.

You have to tickle the penis,

it's know as test-tickle .

An Alien Doctor

It's year 5038, and humans are living together with various alien civilizations across the universe.

One day, a human mother and her human son visited an alien doctor. The son had a rare interstellar desease. The doctor performed a surgery on him.

After several hours, surgery came to e...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave was suffering from a terrible headache, so he went to see his doctor, who was a recent medical graduate.

The young doctor listened to him carefully and told him, "Go home, lie down on your tummy, open your ass wide and ask your wife to pour some gin down your ass."


"What???" said Dave. The Doctor repeated patiently, "Go home, lie down on your tummy, open your ass wide and ask your wife to ...

Why does Bill Gates make for a terrible medical expert?

Because he can't get rid of viruses in Microsoft either.

A proctologist gets sick of his medical career and decides it's time for a change. He does a bit of research and settles on trying his hand at being a mechanic. He attends mechanic school diligently and pays attention in the hopes of being the best mechanic in town.

After taking his final exam, he notices a mistake with the grade on the test and asks the teacher.

"Sir, you have me 150% out of a possible 100% on the practical exam. This must be a mistake!"

The teacher replies, "It's no mistake. 50% of the grade is for perfect disassembly of the en...

There's a pair of twins, Ivan and Oliver Peterson.

They both became doctors. Not medical doctors, but doctors in meteorology.

They study the rain. You know,

Dr.I.P.

Dr.O.P.

The medical code of ethics is way too strict. Apparently, I’m not allowed to marry a patient even if we’re in a consensual relationship.

I’m really starting to hate being a veterinarian.

Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a dog!

Unless it’s a repressed memory, I made this puppy up myself...

A woman walked into Dr Smith’s office and introduced herself.

“Hi, I’m Dr Yvette Tan, I’ve just become an accredited psychiatrist and would love to work as part of your medical practice”.

Despite some misgivings, D...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Medical Friend Just Sent Me This Lockdown Update

THE GOVERNMENT WILL BE LIFTING RESTRICTIONS IN PARKS AND BEACHES DURING THE EASTER BREAK.

The Government has announced today that, for the Easter break, certain groups are allowed to go to parks and Beaches and invite friends round for BBQ’s.

IMPORTANT- PLEASE READ

While the maj...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pirate walks into a bar...

And takes a seat beside three medical students.

The students notice that the pirate has a hook in place of right hand, a wooden peg in place of his left leg and an eye patch over his right eye.

Curious they edge closer to the pirate, order some rum for him and ask him a few questions...

Complicated Concept!

A professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?" "To save lives." The professor responded quickly and continued the lecture. A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does ph...

Mick: I’ve got a medical problem so I have to get circumcised...

Paddy: Wow! At 35 years old?! I was a new born baby when I was circumcised.

Mick: Did it hurt?

Paddy: Well I couldn’t walk for about 12 months

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other.

The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.

After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and ...

Mini van roll over results in one fatality.

As the older model Ford Aerostar rolled over the driver was ejected. The vehicle then rolled over the driver, piercing him with the exterior mounted antenna. The driver expired before paramedics arrived.

Medical examiner's report states. The driver died of a Van Aerial Disease.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches; the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your s...

A politically-appointed medical research director had been busy pushing recruitment for round after round of hydroxychloroquine tests. After another poor result, a White House aide walked in. "Doctor, the President has demanded another HCQ test. Can you do it?"

The director sighs, rubs his temples, and sits back in his chair. "No. Quite frankly, I don't have the patients."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

WWII Army Major walks into the medical wing.

He approaches the first bunk

Major: Why are you here Soldier?

Soldier: Syphilis Sir!

Major: How are they treating it Soldier?

Soldier: 5 minutes a day with a wire brush Sir!

Major: What is your ambition Soldier?

Soldier: To get back to the front lines Sir!<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman went to the doctor with an unusual problem...

"Doctor, I've got three breasts." She declared.

"Please undress," said the doctor.

"Doctor, I'm worried that when you'll see my problem you'll laugh", she said nervously.

"Don't be concerned, Miss" said the Doctor. "I'm a medical man and I'm fully trained to handle such proble...

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.