There’s going to be a wild party at the orphanage tonight. …

The parents aren’t home.

I saw a girl crying, so I asked her “Where are your parents?” and she started crying even more.

Man, I love working at the orphanage.

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A rabbi and a priest rush out of a flaming orphanage

As they run out, they hear some orphans screaming.

"Should we go save the children?" the priest yells.

"Fuck the children!" the rabbi replies.

"Do we have time?".

Dad: I'm giving all your toys to an orphanage.

Son: Why?!

Dad: So you won't get bored there.

I made a website for an orphanage

Sadly it doesn’t have a homepage

What's the difference between an orphanage and a terrorist camp?

I dont know I just fly the drone.

What did the Catholic priest say to the other Catholic priest as they entered the orphanage?

"Let us prey."

What's the worst thing to say at an orphanage?

Do you have this in a different color?

Tomorrow I'll go to the orphanage...

... and beat up some children. I mean, what would they do? Tell their parents?

A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Baptist minister walk into an orphanage.

The Priest says, "Why didn't you guys tell me we were coming to a brothel?"

Orphanages are kind of like animal shelters for children

Though, I wish my parents would stop introducing me as their "rescue."

The English Women's world cup team visited an orphanage. "They looked helpless. They had a lack of hope in their eyes...."

said Aurora , age 3.

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a priest and a rabbi are running away from a burning orphanage

the priest says “what about the kids?!”. the rabbi says “fuck the kids!”. the priest stops dead in his tracks and says “ what, you think we’ll have time?”

A teacher asked his students a math question.

"You have one dollar. Your parents give you five dollars. How much money do you have?"

After some thinking, about half the class raised their hands. The teacher called on a little girl in the front.

"One dollar!" she said.

The teacher, conflicted on why the girl can't add, expla...

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An American, a German and a priest are at an orphanage.

Suddenly there is a fire. Flames are everywhere.

The German says: Comon ihr Dumpfbacken. I can not see. But we have to save all ze children. Lets goooo.

The American: No way mr. Sauerkraut. Let's get the hell outa here. Fuck all the children.

The priest is looking surprised for ...

I just finished designing a website for an orphanage

You need your parents permission to access the site...

What does Bob Ross's paintings and an orphanage have in common?

They're both full of happy little accidents

Where do you hide cocaine in orphanage?

Right under the children's noses

So the other day I made a free website for an orphanage....

It didn't have a home page

After the death of my parents, I was reared in a Catholic orphanage…

... i'm still sore.

Dad: I gave all your toys to the orphanage

Kid: Why did you do that dad?

Dad: So you won't get bored there.

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3 nuns die and go to heavens gate

3 nuns died and went to Heavens Gate. St. Peter comes out and says "before you can enter the gates of heaven you must answer me this one question".
"What part of your body last touch a man's genitals?"

The first nun steps up and says, "Well, I used to work in an orphanage with babies and ...

The Cleveland Browns team visited an orphanage today.

"It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope," said Jose, age 6.

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My Brother asked me yesterday if I wanted to go and help blind kids at the orphanage around the corner...

.... now those poor little bastards lost their parents AND their sight

The England football team went to visit an orphanage in Russia this morning.

"It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible" said Anatoly, aged 6.

The Argentina team visited an orphanage in Russia

-It breaks my heart to see those poor eyes filled with sadness and hopelessness..

said one of the orphans.

I saw a 4-year-old girl crying, all alone.

"Are you okay?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mom and dad are?"

"No." She sobbed.

I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage.

I got banned from donating clothes to the local orphanage

Apparently they don't appreciate Batman costumes......

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The orphanage i run, burned down today with the lives of sixty children

Thank fuck i don't have to tell their parents ....

I got booed off stage for saying I still live with my mum...

Never doing a charity gig for an orphanage again...

Where did the orphans go after the Orphanage blew up?

Everywhere

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What's the hardest part about burning down an orphanage?

My dick.

I went to the pool with the local orphanage but none of them would get in the water.

It's like thier parents never taught them to swim. Or something

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A woman makes a deal with the Devil to gain wealth and power, but doesn't want to go to Hell.

The Devil makes a little rule for the woman. She happily agrees and thus, the contract is sealed.

She goes onto be the best stockbroker in her city, giving her a near bottomless checkbook and connections to lawmakers, celebrities, anyone with even a scrap of power in the city.


Almo...

I brought gifts to an orphanage to cheer the kids up

Apparently, blow up dolls are not consider toys especially after they explode.

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You save someone from drowing, and nobody says, "Hey there goes Joe the hero". You paint the orphanage, and they don't shout, "Look, there's Joe, the orphanage painter!"

But you fuck **one** goat...

There's a huge party at the orphanage tonight

Their parents are gone.

On her deathbed my wife said, "Sweety, I will see you in Heaven."

Since then I have kicked a puppy, stole from 4 shops and set fire to an
orphanage!

Son: Mom, do you keep any secrets from me?

Mom: Every parent does sweetie, but it's for your own good.
Son: And what'd you do if I found them out?
Mom: Then i'd take you back to the orphanage I got you from.

My friend told me to save my money for the orphanage every time i want to buy a cigarette...

So i saved 300$ to buy cigarettes for these poor kids.

There was once an incorrigible punster.

No matter the situation her'd have a groaner ready. One day, served a simple dinner of buns and water, he quipped: "The bun is the lowest form of wheat."

His friends were so tired that they decided to come up with a situation that he could not turn into a pun. They took him to visit an orpha...

I got my dog from an orphanage like, two years ago.

Those orphans STILL hold a grudge.

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Post office workers are going through the mail and find a letter addressed simply To Santa

Since they've nowhere to send it to, they open the letter and find the most tragic childish scribbling:

"Dear Santa,
My name is Timmy and I live in an orphanage. I have no mom or dad. We have barely any heating and it gets very cold. I know you are very busy, but could you please send me a...

All I did was wish everyone and their families a Merry Christmas, and now they're all mad at me.

Last time I volunteer at THAT orphanage.

A man is visited by the three ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future.

Man: Whaaaaaaat are you three doing here?!?! I've enjoyed Christmas all my life, I've donated to Orphanages and Children's Hospitals every year, I open my mansion every Christmas to my friends, family, and their kids of course, to come together for one jolly ole' party, and hell I just took in this ...

Mother's are the best

I have always been extremely cared for by my mother. She would do so much for me like bathing me, feeding me, buying me stuff, supporting me. Honestly if I didnt have a mother I would want to just die. That's why I make it my mission to speak to people on how great their mothers are to raise awarene...

Purchased Vs. Homemade

Six year old Annie returns home from school and says she had her first family planning lesson at school.

Her mother, very interested, asks; "How did it go?" "I nearly died of shame!" she answers.

"Sam from over the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you ...

I guess I have always been a bit behind the times...

When most people were burning CDs, I was still burning orphanages.

I recently became the coach of an orphanage baseball team

Because I hate dealing with parents.

There was a lad named John

There was a lad named John who was dealt a bad hand since he was born. He was an orphan who was brought up in a for profit orphanage, leading him to suffer mental trauma amongst other issues. After turning 16, he was kicked out of the orphanage with no support whatsoever. Not knowing what to do, he ...

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There was once a woman with 90 children.

She had so many children that she decided, instead of giving them normal names, she would give them numbers. So the oldest was named One, and the youngest was named Ninety
One day, while everyone was asleep, a fire broke out in their house. Luckily, Ninety was able to wake up and flee the house u...

What's the definition of cruel?

Announcing parents evening at an orphanage.

My fore chief walks in

He said "I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is 41 children have died today in a fire. The good news is it was an orphanage and I don't have any parents to notify."

An old woman is having her 90th birthday.

She has three sons, and each of them has been very successful in life. They realized this might be her last year, and each decided to get something special for her.

The first got thought that she must find the same old house boring after living in it for all her life and bought her a mansion....

The last words my grandma told my grandfather was “Sweetie, I’ll see you in heaven!”

Since then, grandpa has been kicking puppies and setting fire to orphanages.

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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 6 had a crush on 7 ever since middle school, but couldnt build up the courage to ask her out. His friends 8 and 9 pushed him to ask her out to prom, and she said yes. They fell in love and got married, 6 got a job as an electrician and 7 played as the house wife. They had 2 beautiful twin gi...

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A priest, a rabbi, and a music teacher walk into a bar

Teacher: There's a fire at the orphanage we should help! Those kids are in danger!

Rabbi: Fuck the children

Priest: Do you think we'll have time?

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"See that wall?" said the bitter Scotsman at the pub...

I built that wall, all the way from here to Glenmore, but do they call me "Angus the wall-builder? Nooo!"

"And see the church spire? Built that too. Do they call me "Angus the steeple-builder"? Noo!"

"And that terrible night when the orphanage burned down,I saved all the wee bairns fro...

My first kiss

My first kiss happened when I was 3, my dad took me to an orphanage and kissed me goodbye

I used to be a telemarketer

I phone up one of my usual numbers and a little boy answers the phone.

"Are you parents home, young man?" I ask.

I hear him drop the phone and burst into tears. I wait a few seconds until someone pick up the phone. An elderly voice at the end of the line barks back at me:

"For t...

They say some of the best comedians in the world have dark and twisted pasts...

It's why I lose the annual comedy competition to the orphanage down the street.

When I was 7, I would write my mom letters when I was at summer camp

When I was 7, I would write my mom letters when I was at summer camp asking her when I could go home.

She would always write back "stop calling me mom. For the last time, you're not at summer camp. We sent you back to the orphanage"

A descendant of a pharaoh

A descendant of a pharaoh learned he was going to die and called his pastor, his doctor and his lawyer to his room. He told the three that he wanted to be buried in the style of his ancestors and to be buried with some of his wealth. He hands them each an envelope and says “In this envelope is $30,...

The rapper and the artifact

A very famous artifact recovered from an old monastery had been set for auction, with the promise that the money would go to an orphanage supported by the same monastery. This artifact was one of a kind, nobody knew exactly what it was but they knew that it was incredibly rare. Very few people knew ...

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Legacies are a funny thing

I was visiting my grandparents in Italy and one night I sat down with my grandfather to ponder life. After several drink my grandfather brings me to the terrace and points out over the city.
He says to me “John, legacies are a funny thing.”
He points over to city hall “John do you see this b...

My wife just delivered a baby!

She decided to deliver some toys too, in case the orphanage needs them.

A police officer sees a kid on the street..

He says, "Its getting late kid, shouldn't you be getting back to the orphanage?"

Kid says, "I guess so, what gave me away?"

"Your parents did."

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So a Jewish family has a baby!

It's a beautiful baby boy, and they love him very much. The dad wants to know, however, what the little boy will grow up to be like. So he takes the baby to the Rabbi, who says that there's a simple test. On a long table, the Rabbi places a stack of money, a bottle of whiskey, and a Torah. "If y...

I hate it when girlfriends have overprotective dads.

That's why I work at an orphanage.

An elderly man was lying on his death bed

and in his bank account had 300,000 dollars. Being a man that didn't trust wills and didn't want the government to get their hands on the money, he decides to call over his three most trusted people. He calls over his priest, his lawyer, and his doctor and gives them each 100,000 dollars. He then...

What's big, bounces, and makes little kids cry?

My donation check to the orphanage.

"Hey man, are your parents home?"

I was given a restraining order from the orphanage :'(

A Comedian Walks onto A Stage and Says...

I did a gig recently where I got booed off stage for saying that I live at home with my parents. As soon as I said it the whole audience starts shouting: “Booooo!” That’s the last time I do a charity gig for an orphanage

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My name is Boris....

I build many fences but do they call me Borris the fence maker? No. I deliver many babies but do the call me Borris the baby deliverer? No! I build many orphanages but do they call me Borris the orphanage builder? NO! But you fuck ONE goat...

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The lawyer, the rabbi, and the Catholic priest: an eclectic group of friends…

A lawyer, a rabbi, and a Catholic priest would pay a visit to a local orphanage once a week, every week to volunteer and help with the children.

One week, they arrived, only to see that the orphanage was on fire!

"We have to save the children!" Cried the lawyer.

"Fuck the childr...

3 men meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates

...and he asks them how they died.

The first man says, "I died carrying children out of a burning orphanage" and St. Peter welcomes him to Heaven.

The second says, "A burning beam fell on me as I was guiding the orphans out of the same fire" and gets the same welcome.

The final ...

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A boy decided to do his school paper on the most famous man in town.

So he went to the man and asked him for his story.

The man sat the boy down and said, "Listen here kid. I've done many great things in my life. But sometimes, you don't get to choose what you're remembered for. Once, as I was walking home after work, I heard screams from the orphanage near by...

The Orphan

A boy was living happily with his brother, mother, father, and dog. His father worked in a factory. The pay was ok, but the work was hard. One day, a man knocked at the door of the family. The man sat them down and informed them that the father had been caught in some machinery and had died. Th...

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There are two priests on a small commuter flight

with half a dozen kids from an orphanage. Half way through the flight the pilot comes back and says the plane has lost both engines, they are going to crash and there and only two parachutes.

The first priest says to the second "grab those 'chutes - we're out of here"

"What about the ...

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Four college students partied hard one night.....

...and woke up late the next day, the day of their finals, so they went to their principal and apologized saying they visited an orphanage and on their way back their car's tire got punctured and they had to push it all the way back home......

The principal thought of giving them a second cha...

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