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Orphanage Jokes

What does Bob Ross's paintings and an orphanage have in common?

They're both full of happy little accidents

Tomorrow I'll go to the orphanage...

... and beat up some children. I mean, what would they do? Tell their parents?

Son: Mom, do you keep any secrets from me?

Mom: Every parent does sweetie, but it's for your own good.
Son: And what'd you do if I found them out?
Mom: Then i'd take you back to the orphanage I got you from.

What's the worst thing to say at an orphanage?

Do you have this in a different color?

I got banned from donating clothes to the local orphanage

Apparently they don't appreciate Batman costumes......

Dad: I gave all your toys to the orphanage

Kid: Why did you do that dad?

Dad: So you won't get bored there.

I went to the pool with the local orphanage but none of them would get in the water.

It's like thier parents never taught them to swim. Or something

Orphanages are kind of like animal shelters for children

Though, I wish my parents would stop introducing me as their "rescue."

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A rabbi and a priest rush out of a flaming orphanage

As they run out, they hear some orphans screaming.

"Should we go save the children?" the priest yells.

"Fuck the children!" the rabbi replies.

"Do we have time?".

I recently became the coach of an orphanage baseball team

Because I hate dealing with parents.

I just finished designing a website for an orphanage

You need your parents permission to access the site...

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3 nuns die and go to heavens gate

3 nuns died and went to Heavens Gate. St. Peter comes out and says "before you can enter the gates of heaven you must answer me this one question".
"What part of your body last touch a man's genitals?"

The first nun steps up and says, "Well, I used to work in an orphanage with babies and ...

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Post office workers are going through the mail and find a letter addressed simply To Santa

Since they've nowhere to send it to, they open the letter and find the most tragic childish scribbling:

"Dear Santa,
My name is Timmy and I live in an orphanage. I have no mom or dad. We have barely any heating and it gets very cold. I know you are very busy, but could you please send me a...

What did the Catholic priest say to the other Catholic priest as they entered the orphanage?

"Let us prey."

I just finished designing a website for an orphanage

There isn't a home page

there’s going to be a wild party at the orphanage tonight.

the parents aren't home.

After the death of my parents, I was reared in a Catholic orphanage…

... i'm still sore.

I brought gifts to an orphanage to cheer the kids up

Apparently, blow up dolls are not consider toys especially after they explode.

Where do you hide cocaine in orphanage?

Right under the children's noses

Whats the difference between a terrorist training camp and an orphanage?

I don't know I just fly the drone.

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What's the hardest part about burning down an orphanage?

My dick.

I got my dog from an orphanage like, two years ago.

Those orphans STILL hold a grudge.

What do you call a flower that grew up in an orphanage?

Self raising flour.

I used to work as a cook in a Victorian orphanage.

It was grueling.

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A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer meet each week for a game of golf.

One day, they get stuck behind the slowest group of players they had ever seen. They were hitting the balls all over the place, getting stuck in just about every trap and patch of rough, and missing just about every putt.

Finally, the group gets frustrated and heads to the clubhouse to find ...

Dad: I'm giving all your toys to the orphanage

Kid: Why are you doing that?
Dad: So you don't get bored there.

I just donated all your toys to the orphanage

Dad : I just donated all your toys to the orphanage

Son: Why?

Dad: So you'll have something to play with when i take you there.

A man wanted to literally die with his $$$, so he trusted a third of his money to a Priest, a third to a Doctor, and a third to his Lawyer to bury him with it when he died.

After his death, at the man’s funeral the priest whispered to his dead body and placed a bag in his coffin. The doctor then proceeded to whisper to the body and placed a bag in there as well. Then the lawyer went and dropped off a bag and moved on.

As they were carpooling back from the funer...

The English team visited an orphanage in brazil.

"It’s heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope”,said Jose age 6.

The orphanage I work at burned down

At least I don't have to call anyone's family.

A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Baptist minister walk into an orphanage.

The Priest says, "Why didn't you guys tell me we were coming to a brothel?"

My friend told me to save my money for the orphanage every time i want to buy a cigarette...

So i saved 300$ to buy cigarettes for these poor kids.

What do you call a bunch of kids all dressed up as batman?

Halloween at the orphanage.

A police officer sees a kid on the street..

He says, "Its getting late kid, shouldn't you be getting back to the orphanage?"

Kid says, "I guess so, what gave me away?"

"Your parents did."

The England Football Team visited an Orphanage in Russia yesterday..

"It's heart breaking to see their little faces with no hope", said Vladimir, aged 6.

The Argentina team visited an orphanage in Russia

-It breaks my heart to see those poor eyes filled with sadness and hopelessness..

said one of the orphans.

On her death bed, my wife said, "Sweety! I'll see you in Heaven."

Since then, I've kicked a puppy, stole from 4 shops and set fire to an orphanage.

I used to be a telemarketer

I phone up one of my usual numbers and a little boy answers the phone.

"Are you parents home, young man?" I ask.

I hear him drop the phone and burst into tears. I wait a few seconds until someone pick up the phone. An elderly voice at the end of the line barks back at me:

"For t...

The English Women's world cup team visited an orphanage. "They looked helpless. They had a lack of hope in their eyes...."

said Aurora , age 3.

The San Diego Padres visited an orphanage in Mexico...

"It's really sad to see their faces with no hope" said Juan, age 9.

The last words my grandma told my grandfather was “Sweetie, I’ll see you in heaven!”

Since then, grandpa has been kicking puppies and setting fire to orphanages.

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"See that wall?" said the bitter Scotsman at the pub...

I built that wall, all the way from here to Glenmore, but do they call me "Angus the wall-builder? Nooo!"

"And see the church spire? Built that too. Do they call me "Angus the steeple-builder"? Noo!"

"And that terrible night when the orphanage burned down,I saved all the wee bairns fro...

Purchased Vs. Homemade

Six year old Annie returns home from school and says she had her first family planning lesson at school.

Her mother, very interested, asks; "How did it go?" "I nearly died of shame!" she answers.

"Sam from over the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you ...

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A woman makes a deal with the Devil to gain wealth and power, but doesn't want to go to Hell.

The Devil makes a little rule for the woman. She happily agrees and thus, the contract is sealed.

She goes onto be the best stockbroker in her city, giving her a near bottomless checkbook and connections to lawmakers, celebrities, anyone with even a scrap of power in the city.


Almo...

The England football team went to visit an orphanage in Russia this morning.

"It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible" said Anatoly, aged 6.

The Spanish national soccer team visited an orphanage in Brazil today

"It was hard to see their sad and hopeless faces", said one of the orphans

I saw a 4 year old girl crying, all alone

"Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?"

"No" she sobbed

I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage

I like to tell Dad jokes

But he never finds them funny.

So I went to a birthday party and told dad jokes. It didn’t go over too well, I was asked to leave the orphanage.

My wife asked me to stop with the corny dad jokes. I was doing to do one about chemistry, but now I’m afraid of the reaction.

I went to a birthday party and told dad jokes

The jokes didn't go over well. I was asked to leave the orphanage.

I got booed off of the stage at the start of my comedy act for saying that I still live with my parents...

That's the last time I do a gig at an orphanage.

A dying man wants to prevent his family from inheriting his wealth. So he entrusts the money to his three closest friends: a doctor, a priest, and a lawyer.

He gives each friend an envelope with $1,000,000 in cash, and makes them all swear to bury the money with him when he dies. They all shake hands and solemnly agree.

A few months later the man dies, and the three friends place their envelopes in the casket.

Later, privately, the doctor...

Our kid is always saying, “I want to be Batman!” or “I wanna be Spider-Man!”

So we dropped him off at the orphanage.

I love my job

So I was at work one night, doing the usual grind and all, when suddenly I saw a little girl crying. I asked her "whats wrong? Where are your parents?" And she just started crying even more!

God I love working at an orphanage.

I hate it when girlfriends have overprotective dads.

That's why I work at an orphanage.

Hey everyone! What do you call a group of batmen and woman?

>!An orphanage!!<

I just realised

The orphanage is the safest place to crack yo mama jokes

I saw this kid crying today, so I asked him where his parents were

I couldn’t tell what he was saying though. It was hard to hear over the other kids in the orphanage

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An American couple is looking to adopt a child...

and for whatever reason, they find themselves in an orphanage in Germany. There is this little German boy they really liked to adopt, and they decide to ask the nun if they can adopt him.

"You want to adopt little Volker?" the nun asks.

"Yes, of course. Why, is something wrong with Vol...

There was a lad named John

There was a lad named John who was dealt a bad hand since he was born. He was an orphan who was brought up in a for profit orphanage, leading him to suffer mental trauma amongst other issues. After turning 16, he was kicked out of the orphanage with no support whatsoever. Not knowing what to do, he ...

Saw this young child crying at work today so I tried to make him feel better and asked where his parents were.

I also lost my job at the orphanage later that day...

What's big, bounces, and makes little kids cry?

My donation check to the orphanage.

A Comedian Walks onto A Stage and Says...

I did a gig recently where I got booed off stage for saying that I live at home with my parents. As soon as I said it the whole audience starts shouting: “Booooo!” That’s the last time I do a charity gig for an orphanage

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

Either that or the orphanage :)

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So a Jewish family has a baby!

It's a beautiful baby boy, and they love him very much. The dad wants to know, however, what the little boy will grow up to be like. So he takes the baby to the Rabbi, who says that there's a simple test. On a long table, the Rabbi places a stack of money, a bottle of whiskey, and a Torah. "If y...

There was once an incorrigible punster.

No matter the situation her'd have a groaner ready. One day, served a simple dinner of buns and water, he quipped: "The bun is the lowest form of wheat."

His friends were so tired that they decided to come up with a situation that he could not turn into a pun. They took him to visit an orpha...

An elderly man was lying on his death bed

and in his bank account had 300,000 dollars. Being a man that didn't trust wills and didn't want the government to get their hands on the money, he decides to call over his three most trusted people. He calls over his priest, his lawyer, and his doctor and gives them each 100,000 dollars. He then...

All I did was wish everyone and their families a Merry Christmas, and now they're all mad at me.

Last time I volunteer at THAT orphanage.

An old woman is having her 90th birthday.

She has three sons, and each of them has been very successful in life. They realized this might be her last year, and each decided to get something special for her.

The first got thought that she must find the same old house boring after living in it for all her life and bought her a mansion....

They say some of the best comedians in the world have dark and twisted pasts...

It's why I lose the annual comedy competition to the orphanage down the street.

I guess I have always been a bit behind the times...

When most people were burning CDs, I was still burning orphanages.

He was pathetic

So I walked into a building with tons of kids, don't ask me about it, and then some kid was bullying a younger kid. So, I told him I was going to call his parents. he started crying. I don't know why, he was like 15. I was also never allowed in the orphanage again.

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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 6 had a crush on 7 ever since middle school, but couldnt build up the courage to ask her out. His friends 8 and 9 pushed him to ask her out to prom, and she said yes. They fell in love and got married, 6 got a job as an electrician and 7 played as the house wife. They had 2 beautiful twin gi...

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My name is Boris....

I build many fences but do they call me Borris the fence maker? No. I deliver many babies but do the call me Borris the baby deliverer? No! I build many orphanages but do they call me Borris the orphanage builder? NO! But you fuck ONE goat...

A descendant of a pharaoh

A descendant of a pharaoh learned he was going to die and called his pastor, his doctor and his lawyer to his room. He told the three that he wanted to be buried in the style of his ancestors and to be buried with some of his wealth. He hands them each an envelope and says “In this envelope is $30,...

My fore chief walks in

He said "I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is 41 children have died today in a fire. The good news is it was an orphanage and I don't have any parents to notify."

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There are two priests on a small commuter flight

with half a dozen kids from an orphanage. Half way through the flight the pilot comes back and says the plane has lost both engines, they are going to crash and there and only two parachutes.

The first priest says to the second "grab those 'chutes - we're out of here"

"What about the ...

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A boy decided to do his school paper on the most famous man in town.

So he went to the man and asked him for his story.

The man sat the boy down and said, "Listen here kid. I've done many great things in my life. But sometimes, you don't get to choose what you're remembered for. Once, as I was walking home after work, I heard screams from the orphanage near by...

3 men meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates

...and he asks them how they died.

The first man says, "I died carrying children out of a burning orphanage" and St. Peter welcomes him to Heaven.

The second says, "A burning beam fell on me as I was guiding the orphans out of the same fire" and gets the same welcome.

The final ...

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The lawyer, the rabbi, and the Catholic priest: an eclectic group of friends…

A lawyer, a rabbi, and a Catholic priest would pay a visit to a local orphanage once a week, every week to volunteer and help with the children.

One week, they arrived, only to see that the orphanage was on fire!

"We have to save the children!" Cried the lawyer.

"Fuck the childr...

A man is visited by the three ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future.

Man: Whaaaaaaat are you three doing here?!?! I've enjoyed Christmas all my life, I've donated to Orphanages and Children's Hospitals every year, I open my mansion every Christmas to my friends, family, and their kids of course, to come together for one jolly ole' party, and hell I just took in this ...

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Legacies are a funny thing

I was visiting my grandparents in Italy and one night I sat down with my grandfather to ponder life. After several drink my grandfather brings me to the terrace and points out over the city.
He says to me “John, legacies are a funny thing.”
He points over to city hall “John do you see this b...

Mother's are the best

I have always been extremely cared for by my mother. She would do so much for me like bathing me, feeding me, buying me stuff, supporting me. Honestly if I didnt have a mother I would want to just die. That's why I make it my mission to speak to people on how great their mothers are to raise awarene...

The Orphan

A boy was living happily with his brother, mother, father, and dog. His father worked in a factory. The pay was ok, but the work was hard. One day, a man knocked at the door of the family. The man sat them down and informed them that the father had been caught in some machinery and had died. Th...

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