A girl goes to a psychiatrist and complains, “I don’t want to marry, I am educated, independent and self sufficient. I don’t need a husband but my parents are asking me to marry. What do I do?”

Psychiatrist: “You, undoubtedly will achieve great things in life. But sometimes you will not go in the way you want. Sometimes you will go wrong. Sometimes you will fail. Sometimes your plan won’t work. Sometimes your wishes will not be fulfilled. Then whom will you blame? Will you blame yourself?”...

I told my psychiatrist I have suicidal thoughts.

He told me I now have to pay in advance.

Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when it goes to the bathroom?

Because the p is silent.

I told my psychiatrist that I'm hearing voices

He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist

A man walks into a psychiatrist office naked except his lower body is covered in Saran wrap...

As soon as the docter sees him he says”I can clearly see your nuts”

People always ask who my psychiatrist is because I’ve been really happy lately but they’re surprised when I say he’s Spanish

No one expects the Spanish shrink decision

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The psychiatrist

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office. The psychiatrist asks, "What seems to be the problem?"

The guy replies, "I just can't seem to make friends with anyone. Can you help me, you fat ugly bastard?"

A woman tells a psychiatrist about her husband's incredibly odd behavior.

Woman: Doctor, he just keeps repeating the same thing over and over.

Doctor: What does he say?

Woman: He says "I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam. I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam."

Doctor: Don't worry. I know exactly what's wrong with him, and all he needs is a little relaxation.

Woma...

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A guy goes to his psychiatrist...

and says "Doc, I had that crazy sex dream again. The one where I'm into sadism, necrophilia, and bestiality."

The psychiatrist replies "Oh, let's not bother going over that old dream again. We'd just be beating a dead horse."

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On the first visit with my new psychiatrist...

He asked"so how can I help you?"
"Well doc, I'm having trouble making friends you fucking cocksucker..."

-Dice Clay

A man with an unusually large head came in to see the psychiatrist.

A few minutes later, he left the room, angrily yelling at the receptionist.

R: Sir, please calm down and tell what's making you so angry.

M: I came in to see the head shrink, but my head is still the same size!

A man suffering from terrible stress goes to a psychiatrist for help...

He sits on the couch and jitters nervously.

"What seems to be the problem," the Psychiatrist asks.

"Well Doc, I've been having these two reoccurring dreams for months, and they're really starting to worry me. I'm sleeping less because I'm scared and it's taking a toll on me"

"I...

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There’s this psychiatrist who claims to guess the frequency of sex by looking at the smile on the guys face

. A talk show host challenges him and it goes really well with a 100% accuracy till this one guy shows up with a grin that would dislocate a crocodile’s jaw.

“Twice a day,”

“Nope.”

“Daily.”

“Nope.”

“Every other day.”

“Nope.”

“Weekends.”

“Nope.”...

A Norwegian goes to the psychiatrist

"What brings you in today?"

"I've just been so depressed. I wish I was never Björn"

A man to a psychiatrist:

“How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?”
The psychiatrist replies: “We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub.”
The man smiles: “Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket.” ...

A man goes to a psychiatrist...

...The psychiatrist says, "You're nuts!"

The man says, "I want a second opinion!"

Psychiatrist says, "OK, you're ugly, too!"

[ Apologies to Henny Youngman ]

A psychiatrist arrives for a house call and is greeted by a panicked mother

Who shows him to her son’s room. Her son had taken an extreme interest in First Nations culture in the past years going as far as packing his room with First Nations ornaments and trinkets and even changing his name to Spirit Eagle. However, the interesting state of his room was over shadowed by the...

My wife and I went to see a psychiatrist. "What can I do for you?" he asked. "Our son has got an imaginary friend." said my wife.

"There is nothing wrong with a good healthy imagination to help a child to develop and this is very common and nothing to worry about at all." said the psychiatrist.

"We haven't got a son." I replied.

My psychiatrist said I was a kleptomaniac...

I said, "Is there anything I can take for it?"

Young couple is talking to the psychiatrist...

psychiatrist: What brings you hear?
Wife: My husband takes everything literally?
psychiatrist: And you?
husband: My car

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Change is inevitable.

My psychiatrist sent me the bill for diagnosing me with schizophrenia.

I think we'll split the cost.

My Psychiatrist told me to write letters to all people I hate and then burn them...

and I did that.



But what do I do with the letters now?

A psychiatrist asks for a second opinion from a colleague

"I have this crazy guy in one of my wards, he likes to eat teacups. Have you seen anything like this?"

"Wait, does he eat the handles too?"

"No, that's the curious thing, he leaves the handles untouched."

"Well then he's definitely crazy, the handles are the tastiest part!"

I actually had anxiety for so long I went to a psychiatrist. And I said to the guy, 'I'm constantly anxious. What do I do?'

He told me I had obsessive-compulsive disorder.

I was shocked. I had to call him nine times to make sure he was certain.

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I Told my psychiatrist today that I feel hopelessly depressed.

"Have you thought about self-harming?" He asked.

For fuck's sake, I thought you were here to help, I said.

A psychiatrist asks his patient,

“Are you afraid of change?”

The patient replies, “no!”

“Good, go get me a soda!”

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A man crawls into a psychiatrist's office on all fours with something in between his teeth.

The psychiatrists says:
"Oh, and what do we have here? A kitty?".
The man crawls into a corner. The doc goes on, saying:
"Maybe you're a doggy?".
The man changes corners, with the shrink saying:
"I see! You're a turtle!".
The man finally slaps and yells:
"Ju...

Made this one up years ago....What do they call it when a psychiatrist and a rapper get together for a talk?

Shrink wrap!

Did you hear about the proctologist and the psychiatrist who opened a practice together?

They called it "Odds and Ends".

A man tells his psychiatrist that he’s depressed.

A man tells his psychiatrist that he’s depressed and that he would like a prescription for medical marijuana. The doctor nods and says, “fine, fine, but first why do you think you’re depressed?” The man replies, “well doc, I don’t have any weed.”

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says "You gotta help. I think I'm a dog!"

The psychiatrist says "That's very interesting, why don't you go ahead and lie down on the couch. The man responds "I'm not allowed on the couch."

My psychiatrist told me to phrase my sentences better.

Says the doctor who can't see a house fly above her head.

The mother took her young daughter to a psychiatrist and explained to the headshrinker that the girl thought she was a chicken. The doctor soothed her, observing that an overactive imagination is not uncommon in children, and asking how long the girl had suffered from the delusion.

"Almost two years," said the mother.
"Your daughter has imagined she is a chicken for nearly two years?!" the psychiatrist exclaimed. "Why have you waited so long before bringing her in?"
The woman looked embarrassed, then confessed: "We needed the eggs, doctor."

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I wanted a second opinion...

He said okay, you’re ugly too.

I told my psychiatrist I've been having nightmares about this massive void. I asked him, "What does it mean?"

He said, "It's nothing."

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A psychiatrist is going about his rounds one morning...

So a psychiatrist is going about his rounds through the institution one morning when he happens up to the door of his first patient. Peering through the little window, the doctor observes the patient standing as if he was a major league player swinging an imaginary bat.

The doctor gently raps...

Just got back from my psychiatrist appointment this morning.

After 10 minutes of chatting She told me I had a split personality and charged me $360.... I gave her $180 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot.

I just got home from the psychiatrist and got some good and some bad news

The bad news: I got a bipolar disorder. And the good news: I got a
bipolar disorder.

My psychiatrist asked me how do i see myself

Apparently in a Mirror was the wrong answer

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A woman had been seeing a psychiatrist for several sessions.

At the end of one of them, she said to the shrink, "I have a question that's been bugging me for weeks."

The psychiatrist said, "What do you need to know?"

The woman replied, "You have been talking about phallic symbols. What's a phallus?"

The psychiatrist was take aback by the...

Psychiatrist

A man went to see a psychiatrist. When he entered the room he was naked but completely wrapped in cellophane. The psychiatrist said to him, "I can clearly see you're nuts!"

My family has always been in medicine. My mom is a psychiatrist and my dad is a gastroenterologist.

They specialize in odds and ends.

A psychiatrist once asked...

A psychiatrist once asked one of his patients if he felt he had lost his mind, where the patient replied, "I haven't lost my mind, I have simply misplaced it."

A man was consulting his psychiatrist.

Among other questions, the doctor asked.

"Are you troubled by improper thoughts?"

"Why no!" answered the patient.

"To tell the truth doctor, I rather enjoy them!"

A man goes to see his psychiatrist because of a dream he keeps on having.

"Every night I go to sleep I dream of a group of cats playing soccer in my backyard," The man says. "I don't know what it means... I lover soccer, but I hate cats."

"Well," said the doctor. "I'm not sure what your dreams mean, either. But if they're bothering you so much, I can prescribe yo...

A woman went to the psychiatrist, and once she got there, she approached the psychiatrist and said "Doctor, I think my husband is crazy, he's talking to the lamp"

He asked, "that's crazy, how do you know that?

"The lamp told me about it"

I like to stand in the corner of my psychiatrist's waiting room and blow on anyone who walks by...

Most people hate it, but I'm a fan...

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