Psychiatrist: So how long have you believed in reincarnation?

Ever since I was a puppy.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but the light has to really want to change.


Give me your best lightbulb joke.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion.

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He said okay, you're ugly too.

i told my psychiatrist I'm having suicidal thoughts

he said i have to start paying him in advance from now on

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Two psychiatrists were having lunch and talking about Freudian slips.

Shrink 1: Let me tell you about my Freudian slip when I ate dinner with my mother last night.

Shrink 2: Ooh yes, tell me.

Shrink 1: I meant to say, "Mom, please pass the salt "

Shrink 2: Yes, yes, what did you say instead?

Shrink 1: Well, I meant to say "Mom, please p...

Psychiatrist: "How long have you had short-term memory loss?"

Patient: "As long as I can remember."

My psychiatrist asked me if I have any irrational fears…

I was afraid that she’d ask that

A lady walks in to her psychiatrist's office with a duck on a leash...

The doctor takes a look and says, "How can I help you, ma'am?"

"Thank you, doctor. But, it's not me, it's my husband. He thinks he's a duck."

What is the difference between a daydreamer, a psychopath and a psychiatrist?

The daydreamer builds a Castle in his mind, the psychopath lives in it and the psychologist collects the rent

A man walks into his first session with a psychiatrist

His mood is almost as dark as the room, shades drawn almost fully closed with just enough light to cast shadows like a priest’s confessional stall. *Perfect*, he thinks, *this will be easier if he can’t see the tears welling in my eyes*.

He sits down and breathes a heavy sigh. The clock tick...

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A psychiatrist is making hs rounds in a mental hospital

He comes to the first room and sees the patient standing on his bed and swinging an imaginary bat. He asks the patient what he’s doing. The patient says “I’m not going to be here forever, so when I get better I want to be a baseball player” The doctor says that’s good to have a goal, and moves to th...

My psychiatrist said I might be a psychopath….

Good news is atleast I’m on a path

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The Psychiatrist

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist draws a circle and shows it to him.

"What's this?" asks the psychiatrist.

"A tit," says the guy.

The psychiatrist then draws a square.

"What's this?

"It's a tit," says the guy.

The psychiatrist then draws a tria...

A retired banker went to a psychiatrist.

He said "For 30 years, I worked in a bank as a teller. Every day i would serve dozens of customers. I loved my job and never missed a day.
Last month, i retired.
Since then, every time i pass a bank, i have a huge craving to enter and take out money.
Even if i pass an ATM, i have to stop a...

A guy goes to the psychiatrist wearing nothing but Saran Wrap

The psychiatrist says “I can clearly see your nuts”

After twelve years of psychoanalysis, my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said....

After twelve years of psychoanalysis,
my psychiatrist said something
that brought tears to my eyes.
He said, No hablo Ingles.

- Ronnie Shakes

My psychiatrist asked me if anyone else suffered from mental illness in my family.

I answered " No they all seem to enjoy it"

Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.

The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.

The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"

Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just ...

A guy goes to a psychiatrist.

"Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replies, "It's very simple. You're two tents."

My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.

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A psychiatrist was testing a patient’s personality. He drew a circle on a paper.

And asked the patient, “What does this remind you of?”

The patient answered, “Sex.”

The shrink drew a square and asked again, “What does this remind you of?”

“Sex,” the patient replied.

Then the doctor drew a triangle.

“It reminds me of sex,” the patient stated. ...

Why did the bicycle go to the psychiatrist?

It had cycle logical problems

A woman goes to her psychiatrist and starts to complain.

-"I don't want to get married. I am an educated, independent woman and I am happy by myself. I don’t need a husband, but my parents insist me to get married. What should I do?"

The psychiatrist : "You, no doubt, will achieve wonderful things in life. But at some point, some things will not ...

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Dr. Sigmund had just been named the new head psychiatrist at a mental hospital. (Long)

He decided to make the rounds of the ward and introduce himself to the patients. In the first hospital room he met Patient #1, who seemed to be playing an imaginary game of baseball

Dr. Sigmund asked, "Tell me, why were you placed in this hospital?"

"They're all jealous of me!" said P...

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A pair of conjoined twins went to see the psychiatrist. Twin A confessed to wanting to have sex with twin B. The shrink responded...

Hey, you do you.

What’s a psychiatrists favorite kinda shoes?

Issues.

A psychiatrist decides to conduct a test after the second World War.

A psychiatrist decides to conduct a test after the second World War. He meets a soldier and waves a handkerchief in front of them and asks them:

"What do you think of when you see this handkerchief?"

"I think of my mother".

"Why is that?"

"When I left to go to war on the...

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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children...

"You all have obsessions," he
observed.

To the first mother, from Toronto, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, from Montreal, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's...

I went to my psychiatrist the other day

I said hey Doc I keep having this recurring dream and it’s got me really frazzled , one minute I’m a tepee and the next I’m a wigwam, next minute a tepee and then a ... stop right there he said, I know exactly what’s wrong with you. Your two tents

What did the journalist say to the psychiatrist?

I'm the press.

Why can't you hear a psychiatrist go to the bathroom?

Because the 'P' is silent.


I work in mental health and a patient told me this one the other day

My psychiatrist wrote on my evaluation form that I have ocd.

I had to correct it to OCD.

My psychiatrist said I was a kleptomaniac...

I said, "Is there anything I can take for it?"

Did you hear about the man who went to the psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but plastic wrap?

The psychiatrist said "this won't take long, I can clearly see your nuts"

A man walks into his psychiatrist appointment wearing nothing but cellophane

The shrink takes one look at him and says “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

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So the other day I went to the supermarket, and I was there for literally 5 minutes

When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi lover. He glared at me and started writing another ticket f...

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A guy goes to see a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist shows him an ink blot picture and asks him to say the first thing that he thinks of, to which he replies, "Sex." He shows him another and again he replies, "Sex." This continues through the whole set and every time he replies, "Sex." The psychiatrist is dismayed by this and tells th...

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A man walks into a psychiatrist office and says "I cant seem to make any friends"

"Do you think you can help me you fat fuck?"

A man is visiting a psychiatrist. The doctor says "How can I help you?"

The man replies "I think I am a dog!"

The doc looks at him over his glasses and says "Okay, let's talk about that. How about you lay down on this couch?"

"I'm not allowed to go on the couch!"

Sleeping Baby

A worried new mother went to the psychiatrist. "Doctor," she said, "Since I had the baby I can't sleep at night. When I'm in the next room, I have this dreadful fear that I won't hear the baby if he falls out of the crib at night. What should I do?"

"Easy," said the doctor. "Just take the car...

My psychiatrist told me I have multiple personality disorder

We think that’s stupid

I like to stand in the corner of my psychiatrist's waiting room and blow on anyone who walks by...

Most people hate it, but I'm a fan...

My psychiatrist said I wasn't completely normal...

But I asked some plants at home and they said it's not that bad

My psychiatrist diagnosed me with OCD,

I told him that it was impossible because there is no disorder in my life

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There’s this psychiatrist who claims to guess the frequency of sex by looking at the smile on the guys face

. A talk show host challenges him and it goes really well with a 100% accuracy till this one guy shows up with a grin that would dislocate a crocodile’s jaw.

“Twice a day,”

“Nope.”

“Daily.”

“Nope.”

“Every other day.”

“Nope.”

“Weekends.”

“Nope.”...

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A man goes to a psychiatrist for an evaluation

So the psychiatrist draws a horizontal line and asks him what that reminds him of. "A naked woman" he replies. So he draws a vertical line. "And this?" he asks "A naked woman." Doctor then draws an X and asks the same question. "Two people having sex." comes the answer. "Hmmmmm" goes the doctor. "It...

Confused man sees a psychiatrist

A man goes to see a psychiatrist.
"Doc, you gotta help me. I'm a teepee. No wait, I'm a wigwam. No, I'm definitely a teepee. Actually, I'm pretty sure I'm a wigwam. Nah, I'm for sure a teepee. But actually, I'm 100% certain I'm a wigw-...."
"Stop, stop. Just stop right there, I already know wh...

Why did the Mexican go to the psychiatrist?

His-panic disorder.

More than true?

“ My foot hurts “

My mom: it's nothing

Doctor: Take these pills

Psychiatrist: a problem in your childhood

Google: gravestones for sale!

A man experiencing a split personality went to the psychiatrist. One personality swore he was a teepee and the other swore he was a wigwam.

The psychiatrist replied, "You're just too tense"

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What do you get when you cross a psychiatrist with a prostitute?

The answer will blow your mind!

What should a doctor wear during a psychiatrist job interview?

A straight jacket to show them you're committed.

A man went to a psychiatrist f

A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia.
"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands ...

How do you tell the different between a psychiatrist and an adult film star?

Ask them to pronounce the word 'analyzed.'

My psychiatrist says I'm preoccupied with revenge.

We'll see about that.

I once saw a child psychiatrist....

... but the kid couldn't help me

A guy tells his psychiatrist:

"It was terrible. I was away on business, and I emailed my wife that I’d be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don’t get it. How could she do this to me? “Well," says the psychiatrist. "Maybe she didn’t see the email."

A man suffering from terrible stress goes to a psychiatrist for help...

He sits on the couch and jitters nervously.

"What seems to be the problem," the Psychiatrist asks.

"Well Doc, I've been having these two reoccurring dreams for months, and they're really starting to worry me. I'm sleeping less because I'm scared and it's taking a toll on me"

"I...

A man walked into a psychiatrist room

He said,"I had a dream. It went like this:

I was walking on a road, and suddenly, beep beep beep beep beep beep..."

After ten seconds, the psychiatrist asked the man nicely to stop beeping. The man, however, went on.

After half an hour, the psychiatrist is tired of asking for th...

Why did Father Christmas go see a psychiatrist?

He stopped believing in himself.









\---

He is also a raging alcoholic and suffers from clinical depression.

A man goes to a psychiatrist

and says “my brother thinks he is a cow.” The psychiatrist says “why don’t you bring him for a treatment?” The man says “ we need the milk.”

A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband: “My husband is acting so weird.

He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!”

Psychiatrist: “Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.“

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What did Hitlers psychiatrist say about him?

There's something not reich with him.

A psychiatrist is addressing a group of people who have all had experiences with the supernatural.

A psychiatrist is addressing a group of people who have all had experiences with the supernatural. He asks: "Who here has seen a ghost?"
Everyone puts up their hands. He then asks: "Who here has spoken with a ghost?"

Half the audience puts up their hands. "And who here has touched a ghos...

My wife and I went to see a psychiatrist. "What can I do for you?" he asked. "Our son has got an imaginary friend." said my wife.

"There is nothing wrong with a good healthy imagination to help a child to develop and this is very common and nothing to worry about at all." said the psychiatrist.

"We haven't got a son." I replied.

The psychiatrist asks the patient, "So what seems to be the problem?"

"Well Doc, for a long time now, I've believed that I'm really a dog!"

"And how long have you felt this way?", asks the shrink.

"Ever since I was a puppy."


(Apols if its a repost, it is very old. I first heard it in my kennel)

I went to my psychiatrist recently.

I told him I had been feeling down, and depressed lately, and I sometimes don't know how I will ever become happy and content anymore.

He looked at me and said, with a concerned look on his face "have you considered suicide?"

To which I said "I didn't know that was an option

A guy went to his psychiatrist complaining that he woke up screaming every night

First he would dream he was a tepee, then he would dream he was a wigwam. "Doctor, what should I do?" "Well, first of all," the doctor replied, "relax. You're two tents."

A Dachshund and a Labrador are walking together when the former suddenly unloads on his friend.

“My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a Pomeranian and I’m as jittery as a cat.”

“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the Labrador.

*“I can’t. I'm not allowed on the couch.”*

This naked man walks into a psychiatrist's office ...

He is naked except that he is completely wrapped in head to toe with cellophane. He says, "First impression, doc, am I crazy?"

The doctor says, "Well, normally I don't like making rash diagnoses but in this case it is sooo obvious. Everyone in my entire office can see your nuts."

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My psychiatrist asked me when I came into my own, sexually.

I told him I wasn't really sure but I think I was around 11 or 12.

He says "That's really early. Who was it?"

I said "My hand."

A psychiatrist takes his patients to a ballgame

A psychiatrist is taking his patients out to a baseball game. He tells them to get on the bus by saying "get on the bus, nuts" and when they get to the stadium he says "get off the bus nuts." When they get to the seats he tells them "get in your seats, nuts."

During the game he goes to the ba...

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office, goes, "Doc, you got to help me. My brother's crazy. He thinks he's a chicken."
The doc goes, "Well, why don't you turn him in?"
The guy goes, "You know I would,
but,
I need the eggs."
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Disclaimer: Stolen Joke.

A couple visit a psychiatrist

The husband says " when ever I try to talk to her she just holds up gang signs "

The wife replies ( in sign language )


" I'm deaf "

The mother took her young daughter to a psychiatrist and explained to the headshrinker that the girl thought she was a chicken. The doctor soothed her, observing that an overactive imagination is not uncommon in children, and asking how long the girl had suffered from the delusion.

"Almost two years," said the mother.
"Your daughter has imagined she is a chicken for nearly two years?!" the psychiatrist exclaimed. "Why have you waited so long before bringing her in?"
The woman looked embarrassed, then confessed: "We needed the eggs, doctor."

A psychiatrist finds a man lying by the road who has been robbed and beaten senseless.

The psychiatrist says, "My god, whoever did this needs help!"

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Moth psychiatrist

A moth walks into a physiotherapists office and says "I don't know what's up with me doc. I just feel really down all the time, I don't know where my life is heading".

The physio says "Why have you come here? I'm a physiotherapist, you need a psychiatrist".

The moth replies "Your light...

A psychiatrist's secretary walked into his office and said, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."

The psychiatrist replied, “tell him I can’t see him.”

Two psychiatrists are taking a walk and happen upon a person lying bleeding from a stab wound.

One of them says to the other, "The person who did this really needs our help".

My psychiatrist said that I have too much self esteem.

I think he's very wrong.

Edit: thank you for the gold kind stranger.

Edit: thank you for the titanium kind stranger

Edit: oh my God I can't believe I got a ternion all powerful!

A man to a psychiatrist:

“How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?”
The psychiatrist replies: “We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub.”
The man smiles: “Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket.” ...

I had to see a psychiatrist recently after becoming obsessed with a specific shade of purple

Apparently I’m Plum Crazy

How is a catholic tailor like a behavioral psychiatrist?

They’ve both learned how to alter habits.

A guy goes to a psychiatrist...

He tell the Dr. “every night I dream I’m either a tee pee or a wigwam” and the Dr. tells him you’re too tents!

A Terrorist goes to a psychiatrist

the psychiatrist diagnosed him with being self-destructive.

A psychiatrist goes into a room full of mentally ill people to check if some of them have become sane...

He takes a whiteboard pen and draws a door on the wall.

He says: "Those of you who think they are sane can now leave the psychiatry by using this door. All the people jump up from their chairs and furiously try to open the door - everybody but one.

The psychiatrist is relieved to see t...

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I had to call a psychiatrist to come into my bathroom

The toilet had seen some serious shit!

My psychiatrist said I should focus on inner peace while quarantined by finishing everything left undone...

I looked around the house and found half a bottle of merlot, some gin, a litl scotch, som old scriptun of valum adn oxtdkl.

A space bar walks into a psychiatrist’s office and says "You gotta help me, Doc!"

The doctor replies, "What seems to be the problem?"

"I constantly feel depressed."

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The ink blot test

This guy is with his psychiatrist and the psychiatrist decides to give him a Rorschach ink blot test.
The psychiatrist shows him the first ink blot.
The guy says "That's a man and a woman having sex".
The psychiatrist shows him the second ink blot
The guy says "That's a man and two women...

A woman tells a psychiatrist about her husband's incredibly odd behavior.

Woman: Doctor, he just keeps repeating the same thing over and over.

Doctor: What does he say?

Woman: He says "I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam. I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam."

Doctor: Don't worry. I know exactly what's wrong with him, and all he needs is a little relaxation.

Woma...

A man goes to his psychiatrist and says “Doctor, I have a problem. I think that I’m a dog.” The doctor asks the man how long he’s had this problem

The man replies-“Since I was a puppy”

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A guy attends an appointment with a psychiatrist...

The doctor tells him he's going to administer the Rorschach (ink blot) test.

The Doc shows him the first ink blot and asks him what he sees.

The guy says, " The tip of a man's penis against a woman's back."

"And the second ink blot?"

The guy answers, "Two women making lov...

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A psychiatrist arrives for a house call and is greeted by a panicked mother

Who shows him to her son’s room. Her son had taken an extreme interest in First Nations culture in the past years going as far as packing his room with First Nations ornaments and trinkets and even changing his name to Spirit Eagle. However, the interesting state of his room was over shadowed by the...

My psychiatrist really helped me a lot.

I would never answer the phone, because I was afraid.

Now I answer it whether it rings or not.

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having an identity crisis

"Some days I feel like a teepee" he says.
"Then other days I feel like a wigwam. I dont know which one is true"

"One day, teepee! The next, wigwam! Teepee! Wigwam! Teepee! Wigwam! Teepee! Wigwam!"

The psychiatrist yells, "Get a grip, man! You're too tense!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I Told my psychiatrist today that I feel hopelessly depressed.

"Have you thought about self-harming?" He asked.

For fuck's sake, I thought you were here to help, I said.

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A moth walks in to a podiatrist's office...

A moth walks in to a podiatrist's office. The podiatrist says "What's the problem?"


The moth says "What's the problem? Where do I begin?

I go to work for Gregory Olynovich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don't even know what I'm doing any more. I don't even know if Gre...

A Norwegian goes to the psychiatrist

"What brings you in today?"

"I've just been so depressed. I wish I was never Björn"

My psychiatrist told me to just write letters to the people I hate and burn them

Now I wonder what to do with the letters

Ugly Patient

A very homely young woman made an appointment with a psychiatrist. She walked into his office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no man will come near me and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?" "I'm sure I can," the psychiatrist replied...

A man walks up to the front desk of a psychiatric facility and strikes up a conversation with the psychiatrist there...

The man asks the psychiatrist, “how do you choose who is admitted to your facility?”

The psychiatrist explains, "we fill a bathtub with water and give people a straw, a teaspoon, a glass, and a bucket. Then we tell them to empty the bathtub.”

The man chuckles to himself and beams at...

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The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office.

"What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. "Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a sexaholic." "I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour." "That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

My psychiatrist sent me the bill for diagnosing me with schizophrenia.

I think we'll split the cost.

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A psychiatrist and a man are touring a mental hospital to see if it would be a good fit for his brother.

They are walking down a hallway when they pass a door the man looks in. Inside there is this young man who his holding his hands up to his stomach, raising his leg and then lunges forwards in a pitching motion. "Oh! Hey! I'm practicing my pitch, I'm going to be a famous pitcher for the Los Angeles D...

A guy goes into the psychiatrist

The psychatrist holds up a glossy piece of paper and says "tell me what you see"

"I see my mom naked!" says the guy. The psychiatrist smirks and holds up another one.

"How about this one?"

"That's you doing my mom!" The psychiatrist starts laughing now.

"Damnit, Doc!! I t...

A man goes to a psychiatrist due to a reoccurring dream...

He says to the shrink, "Sir, I've been dreaming that I wrote "The Lord of the Rings", night after night. What could this mean?"

The doctor ponders for a moment and says, "You've been Tolkien in your sleep."

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