A girl goes to a psychiatrist and complains, “I don’t want to marry, I am educated, independent and self sufficient. I don’t need a husband but my parents are asking me to marry. What do I do?”

Psychiatrist: “You, undoubtedly will achieve great things in life. But sometimes you will not go in the way you want. Sometimes you will go wrong. Sometimes you will fail. Sometimes your plan won’t work. Sometimes your wishes will not be fulfilled. Then whom will you blame? Will you blame yourself?”...

A woman tells a psychiatrist about her husband's incredibly odd behavior.

Woman: Doctor, he just keeps repeating the same thing over and over.

Doctor: What does he say?

Woman: He says "I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam. I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam."

Doctor: Don't worry. I know exactly what's wrong with him, and all he needs is a little relaxation.

Woma...

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.

How can a sane man go to a psychiatrist??!

A man walks up to the front desk of a psychiatric facility and strikes up a conversation with the psychiatrist there...

The man asks the psychiatrist, “how do you choose who is admitted to your facility?”

The psychiatrist explains, "we fill a bathtub with water and give people a straw, a teaspoon, a glass, and a bucket. Then we tell them to empty the bathtub.”

The man chuckles to himself and beams at...

I told my psychiatrist I have suicidal thoughts.

He told me I now have to pay in advance.

A psychiatrist arrives for a house call and is greeted by a panicked mother

Who shows him to her son’s room. Her son had taken an extreme interest in First Nations culture in the past years going as far as packing his room with First Nations ornaments and trinkets and even changing his name to Spirit Eagle. However, the interesting state of his room was over shadowed by the...

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There’s this psychiatrist who claims to guess the frequency of sex by looking at the smile on the guys face

. A talk show host challenges him and it goes really well with a 100% accuracy till this one guy shows up with a grin that would dislocate a crocodile’s jaw.

“Twice a day,”

“Nope.”

“Daily.”

“Nope.”

“Every other day.”

“Nope.”

“Weekends.”

“Nope.”...

Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when it goes to the bathroom?

Because the p is silent.

I told my psychiatrist that I'm hearing voices

He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist

A man walks into a psychiatrist office naked except his lower body is covered in Saran wrap...

As soon as the docter sees him he says”I can clearly see your nuts”

People always ask who my psychiatrist is because I’ve been really happy lately but they’re surprised when I say he’s Spanish

No one expects the Spanish shrink decision

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The psychiatrist

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office. The psychiatrist asks, "What seems to be the problem?"

The guy replies, "I just can't seem to make friends with anyone. Can you help me, you fat ugly bastard?"

A man with an unusually large head came in to see the psychiatrist.

A few minutes later, he left the room, angrily yelling at the receptionist.

R: Sir, please calm down and tell what's making you so angry.

M: I came in to see the head shrink, but my head is still the same size!

A Norwegian goes to the psychiatrist

"What brings you in today?"

"I've just been so depressed. I wish I was never Björn"

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A guy goes to his psychiatrist...

and says "Doc, I had that crazy sex dream again. The one where I'm into sadism, necrophilia, and bestiality."

The psychiatrist replies "Oh, let's not bother going over that old dream again. We'd just be beating a dead horse."

A man suffering from terrible stress goes to a psychiatrist for help...

He sits on the couch and jitters nervously.

"What seems to be the problem," the Psychiatrist asks.

"Well Doc, I've been having these two reoccurring dreams for months, and they're really starting to worry me. I'm sleeping less because I'm scared and it's taking a toll on me"

"I...

My wife and I went to see a psychiatrist. "What can I do for you?" he asked. "Our son has got an imaginary friend." said my wife.

"There is nothing wrong with a good healthy imagination to help a child to develop and this is very common and nothing to worry about at all." said the psychiatrist.

"We haven't got a son." I replied.

A man goes to a psychiatrist...

...The psychiatrist says, "You're nuts!"

The man says, "I want a second opinion!"

Psychiatrist says, "OK, you're ugly, too!"

[ Apologies to Henny Youngman ]

My psychiatrist said I was a kleptomaniac...

I said, "Is there anything I can take for it?"

My Psychiatrist told me to write letters to all people I hate and then burn them...

and I did that.



But what do I do with the letters now?

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How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to turn the ladder and the other to hold the cock...father....FUCK... lightbulb

My psychiatrist sent me the bill for diagnosing me with schizophrenia.

I think we'll split the cost.

A psychiatrist asks for a second opinion from a colleague

"I have this crazy guy in one of my wards, he likes to eat teacups. Have you seen anything like this?"

"Wait, does he eat the handles too?"

"No, that's the curious thing, he leaves the handles untouched."

"Well then he's definitely crazy, the handles are the tastiest part!"

Made this one up years ago....What do they call it when a psychiatrist and a rapper get together for a talk?

Shrink wrap!

A man tells his psychiatrist that he’s depressed.

A man tells his psychiatrist that he’s depressed and that he would like a prescription for medical marijuana. The doctor nods and says, “fine, fine, but first why do you think you’re depressed?” The man replies, “well doc, I don’t have any weed.”

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says "You gotta help. I think I'm a dog!"

The psychiatrist says "That's very interesting, why don't you go ahead and lie down on the couch. The man responds "I'm not allowed on the couch."

My psychiatrist told me to phrase my sentences better.

Says the doctor who can't see a house fly above her head.

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A man crawls into a psychiatrist's office on all fours with something in between his teeth.

The psychiatrists says:
"Oh, and what do we have here? A kitty?".
The man crawls into a corner. The doc goes on, saying:
"Maybe you're a doggy?".
The man changes corners, with the shrink saying:
"I see! You're a turtle!".
The man finally slaps and yells:
"Ju...

I just got home from the psychiatrist and got some good and some bad news

The bad news: I got a bipolar disorder. And the good news: I got a
bipolar disorder.

My psychiatrist asked me how do i see myself

Apparently in a Mirror was the wrong answer

Young couple is talking to the psychiatrist...

psychiatrist: What brings you hear?
Wife: My husband takes everything literally?
psychiatrist: And you?
husband: My car

I actually had anxiety for so long I went to a psychiatrist. And I said to the guy, 'I'm constantly anxious. What do I do?'

He told me I had obsessive-compulsive disorder.

I was shocked. I had to call him nine times to make sure he was certain.

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I Told my psychiatrist today that I feel hopelessly depressed.

"Have you thought about self-harming?" He asked.

For fuck's sake, I thought you were here to help, I said.

A psychiatrist asks his patient,

“Are you afraid of change?”

The patient replies, “no!”

“Good, go get me a soda!”

Just got back from my psychiatrist appointment this morning.

After 10 minutes of chatting She told me I had a split personality and charged me $360.... I gave her $180 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I wanted a second opinion...

He said okay, you’re ugly too.

I told my psychiatrist I've been having nightmares about this massive void. I asked him, "What does it mean?"

He said, "It's nothing."

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A woman had been seeing a psychiatrist for several sessions.

At the end of one of them, she said to the shrink, "I have a question that's been bugging me for weeks."

The psychiatrist said, "What do you need to know?"

The woman replied, "You have been talking about phallic symbols. What's a phallus?"

The psychiatrist was take aback by the...

The mother took her young daughter to a psychiatrist and explained to the headshrinker that the girl thought she was a chicken. The doctor soothed her, observing that an overactive imagination is not uncommon in children, and asking how long the girl had suffered from the delusion.

"Almost two years," said the mother.
"Your daughter has imagined she is a chicken for nearly two years?!" the psychiatrist exclaimed. "Why have you waited so long before bringing her in?"
The woman looked embarrassed, then confessed: "We needed the eggs, doctor."

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A psychiatrist is going about his rounds one morning...

So a psychiatrist is going about his rounds through the institution one morning when he happens up to the door of his first patient. Peering through the little window, the doctor observes the patient standing as if he was a major league player swinging an imaginary bat.

The doctor gently raps...

Psychiatrist

A man went to see a psychiatrist. When he entered the room he was naked but completely wrapped in cellophane. The psychiatrist said to him, "I can clearly see you're nuts!"

My family has always been in medicine. My mom is a psychiatrist and my dad is a gastroenterologist.

They specialize in odds and ends.

My psychiatrist tells me I have a problem with wanting to exact revenge

We’ll see about that...

A psychiatrist once asked...

A psychiatrist once asked one of his patients if he felt he had lost his mind, where the patient replied, "I haven't lost my mind, I have simply misplaced it."

A man was consulting his psychiatrist.

Among other questions, the doctor asked.

"Are you troubled by improper thoughts?"

"Why no!" answered the patient.

"To tell the truth doctor, I rather enjoy them!"

A woman went to the psychiatrist, and once she got there, she approached the psychiatrist and said "Doctor, I think my husband is crazy, he's talking to the lamp"

He asked, "that's crazy, how do you know that?

"The lamp told me about it"

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An old man takes his weekly visit to his psychiatrist

The psychiatrist asks:

How is your relationship with god?

The old man replies:

It’s amazing, god helps me so much. Every night when I need to use the toilet, he turns the light on for me and closes it for me after I have finished. God is amazing.

The psychiatrist was...

A psychiatrist in a mental asylum wanted to test the sanity of the patients

He gathered the patients in a room, then drew a door on a wall with a chalk. He pointed at the "door" and told the patient, “open this door and you are free to leave through it.” The patients then beging to fruitlessly trying to open the fake door, exept for one patient who just sit in place watch...

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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third mom. "Your obsessio...

A man goes to see his psychiatrist because of a dream he keeps on having.

"Every night I go to sleep I dream of a group of cats playing soccer in my backyard," The man says. "I don't know what it means... I lover soccer, but I hate cats."

"Well," said the doctor. "I'm not sure what your dreams mean, either. But if they're bothering you so much, I can prescribe yo...

I like to stand in the corner of my psychiatrist's waiting room and blow on anyone who walks by...

Most people hate it, but I'm a fan...

After 12 years of therapy, my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.

No hablo ingles.

Psychiatrist: *tips fedora at depressed patient*

"M'lancholy"

A guy goes to a psychiatrist.

"Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor replies, "It's very simple. You're two tents."

I said to my psychiatrist, "My wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages." He replied, "I don't think you're crazy. I like sausages too."

"Really?!" I shouted. "You should come over to my house and see my collection!"

The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly."

On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you
down?"

"Yes", the boy's mother answered.

"And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked.

"Who cares?" the mother replied.

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My psychiatrist told me that I should stop worrying and start enjoying little things in my life.

Now I play with my dick everyday.

A psychiatrist finds a man lying by the road who has been robbed and beaten senseless.

The psychiatrist says, "My god, whoever did this needs help!"

A male polar bear walks into his psychiatrist’s office wearing a dress.

“What seems to be the problem today?” The psychiatrist asks.

“I don’t know. Here lately it just seems like everything makes me angry and that I have no way to control my emotions. What do you thinks wrong?”

“I think you’re just bi-polar.”

My girlfriend thinks I'm insane and wants me to see a psychiatrist. She's threatening to leave me if I don't because I can't stop singing Gnarls Barkley.

Does that make me crazy?

A psychiatrist starts working in a hospital

He is checking on the patients when he comes across a man locked in a private room and hitting himself with a shoe

"What's his case?" The psychiatrist asks

"He was in love with a girl for 10 years and then she married somone else" the nurse answers

They then walk up to another p...

Psychiatrist office: “My sister treats me like Lucy treats Linus.”

The psychiatrist thinks for a moment and says, “Sounds like you have analogy to Peanuts.”

A new study found that an overwhelming majority of architects are seeing psychiatrists

Most being diagnosed with an edifice complex.

How can you tell if someone’s a psychiatrist?

Check their feet. If they are wearing dinosaur socks, they are a psychiatrist.

It’s a simple roar sock test.

A psychiatrist is being shown around a mental hospital.

After being shown around the corridors he walks into a room with two patients, one hanging from the roof upside down, and the other in the middle of the room cutting a piece of wood with a saw.

Doctor: Umm... What is it your doing?

First patient: What do you mean, what am I doing... Im...

I hate when you open up to someone and they leave.

I was explaining to my psychiatrist that I am having visual and auditory hallucinations, and then he just vanished.

Psychiatrists observe two patients at a mental institution...

Jack and Jill, the two patients, form an extremely strong bond. The relationship is helping both Jack and Jill cope with difficult social interactions. Jack and Jill make such progress, the doctors decide to observe them in various situations around the mental institution to see if they are ready ...

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A man goes to the psychiatrist and tells him that every day he passes a delicatessen.

In the window of the deli is a pickle slicer, slicing pickles. He tells the doctor that he has this urge, every time he passes, to put his
penis in the pickle slicer.

The shrink calms him down and asks him a little more about himself, trying to talk him out of it. He suggests he take a ...

A guy barges into a psychiatrist's office, and screams...

"Doctor! I have suicidal tendencies! What do I do?!"

The doctor calmly answers "Pay me in advance"

the neurotic builds castles in the air, the psychotic lives in them,

and the psychiatrist collects the rent.

A man went to his psychiatrist and said, "Every time I drink my coffee, I get a stabbing pain in my right eye."

The psychiatrist said, "Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?"

A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist

A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband: My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!

Psychiatrist: Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.

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What’s the difference between a psychiatrist and a prostitute?

At least you get the full hour with a prostitute

Patient: I’m addicted to watching the film Grease.

Psychiatrist: Tell me more, tell me more.

Patient: I make my girlfriend watch it with me every day.

Psychiatrist: Does she put up a fight?

Patient: Sometimes, yeah.

Psychiatrist: Well, that’s women for you... summer lovin’, some aren’t.

Patient: I guess?

Ps...

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A moth is sitting in the psychiatrist office...

So a moth is sitting in the therapist office, and the therapist says, "So, how's work?" And the moth says, "Oh it's great, just wonderful, just got a promotion which came with a nice raise, they moved me up to the 15th floor and now I have the greatest view of Seattle anyone could ask for." And so t...

A man goes to see a psychiatrist

The man walks into the psychiatrist’s office and sits down. The man says, “Sir I’ve been having an identity chrisis.”
The psychiatrist responded, “Tell me about your emotions, what you’ve been feeling lately.”
“I’ve been confused, I see my name everywhere. It’s like everyone knows me, but does...

A moth walks into a podiatrist's office

A moth walks into a podiatrist's office. The doctor asks, "What's the problem?" The moth replies, "Doc, let me tell you. I hate my job. Every single day I have to go & I hate my boss and I hate my job. I wake up every day next to a woman that I once loved, but I stopped loving her long a...

The psychiatrist was excited to receive a wicker attache.

He always wanted a basket case.

My psychiatrist says I invade other people's privacy because I'm "insecure".

Says the guy whose home WiFi password is "password123".

A guy goes to a psychiatrist

A guy goes to a psychiatrist seeking help dressed in nothing but food plastic wrap.
The doctor looks the man up and down and says "well...I can clearly see your nuts!


Sorry if this is a repost..heard it a few years back and remembered it tonight. Have a good day guys and enjoy your day...

Geoff went to the psychiatrist

He's very nervous and clearly embarrassed, so the psychiatrist allows him time to settle and asks what the problem is.

Geoff answers "I know it's ridiculous, but all my life I've been afraid of there being monsters under my bed. It started when I was 5 but I just never got over it. I'm 40 yea...

My psychiatrist diagnosed me with multiple personality disorder...

And now she's on the news, apparently she was murdered by one of her patients, wonder if I ever saw him

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A guy confesses to his psychiatrist that he's having trouble at work...

"What sort of trouble?" asks the shrink.

"I work in the production line at a pickle factory, and I know this is going to sound crazy, but lately I've been fantasizing about putting my penis into the pickle-slicer."

"My God, man!" the shrink exclaims. "You can't do that!"

"I know...

Poodle: “My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is leaving me for a German shepherd, and I’m as nervous as a cat.” Collie: “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?”

Poodle: “I can’t. I’m not allowed on the couch.”

My psychiatrist just told me I have OC/DC

It's like OCD, but it rocks

My psychiatrist told me I have kleptomania.

He said if I give him back his pen, he'll write me a prescription.

Why did the robot see a psychiatrist?

Because he had metal health problems...

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