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A duck walks into a psychiatrist's office...

He sits on the couch and the two stare at each other in silence for a moment. Eventually the duck says, "Quack."

"Get out of here!" yells the psychiatrist. "I won't be ridiculed in my office."

The duck travels to another psychiatrist's office. He sits on the couch. The two look at each...

i told my psychiatrist I'm having suicidal thoughts

he said i have to start paying him in advance from now on

My psychiatrist asked me if anyone else suffered from mental illness in my family.

I answered " No they all seem to enjoy it"

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but the light has to really want to change.


Give me your best lightbulb joke.

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The Psychiatrist

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist draws a circle and shows it to him.

"What's this?" asks the psychiatrist.

"A tit," says the guy.

The psychiatrist then draws a square.

"What's this?

"It's a tit," says the guy.

The psychiatrist then draws a tria...

My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.

I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices

He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist

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This is actually a true story told by a psychiatrist in Sri Lanka, which my father told me. I have changed some names to make it more universal...

Dr. Chandra the psychiatrist was talking to a patient in his ward who was convinced he was a Buddha. The man sat cross-legged on his bed in an apparent meditation posture when Dr. Chandra came to interview him.

Dr. Chandra: so you believe you are a Buddha?

Patient: that is so

D...

Psychiatrist: "How long have you had short-term memory loss?"

Patient: "As long as I can remember."

A psychiatrist finds a man lying by the road who has been robbed and beaten senseless.

The psychiatrist says, "My god, whoever did this needs help!"

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What do you call an angry psychiatrist?

Therapissed

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There’s this psychiatrist who claims to guess the frequency of sex by looking at the smile on the guys face

. A talk show host challenges him and it goes really well with a 100% accuracy till this one guy shows up with a grin that would dislocate a crocodile’s jaw.

“Twice a day,”

“Nope.”

“Daily.”

“Nope.”

“Every other day.”

“Nope.”

“Weekends.”

“Nope.”...

If you don't know the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist...

congratulations, you're doing great!

Psychiatrist…..

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. ...

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A woman goes to a psychiatrist

She says I'm having a problem with my husband.

He's totally fixated on his mother....

He thinks about nothing but his mother..

All he cares about is his mom...

What can I do to have him think about me?

The shrink says you have to sex it up a bit//

Wear linge...

My psychiatrist said I was a kleptomaniac...

I said, "Is there anything I can take for it?"

Why can't you hear a psychiatrist go to the bathroom?

Because the 'P' is silent.


I work in mental health and a patient told me this one the other day

Psychiatrist: So how long have you believed in reincarnation?

Ever since I was a puppy.

Did you hear about the fella who walked into the psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap underwear?

The doctor took one look at him and said “well I can clearly see your nuts”

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me.

He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.

A guy goes to a psychiatrist.

"Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor replies, "It's very simple. You're two tents."

My psychiatrist told me I have multiple personality disorder

We think that’s stupid

What did the psychiatrist say to the naked man?

I used to think you were crazy, but now I see your nuts.

I told my psychiatrist that I can only get high if I take THC gummies with my mom.

Apparently I have an edible complex.

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A woman went to a psychiatrist because she was having serious problems with her sex life.

The psychiatrist asked her many questions, but he did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Did you ever watch your husband's face while you were having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once," she replied.

"Well, how did he look?"

"Very angry."
...

Went to the psychiatrist today…

She told me I have a split personality and charged me $150.

I gave her $75, and told her she can get the rest from the other idiot!

My psychiatrist’s Rorschach ink-blot tests are so stupid.

They’re just pictures of my parents fighting.

A guy walks into a psychiatrist office...

Totally naked, wrapped in plastic wrap.

He said, "Doc I need help..."

The doctor said, "I can clearly see your nuts!"

A man went to a psychiatrist

He said "Doctor, I need help. Some mornings I wake up convinced I'm Mickey Mouse. Other days, I feel like Donald Duck."

The psychiatrist said "Interesting. How long have you been having these Disney spells?"

A guy goes to a psychiatrist to see about his strange dreaming...

"doctor I'm dreaming everynight about a soccer tournament for ants. It's on everynight. They went though a group stage, a knockout phase and its the only thing I'm dreaming about the last week, it's driving me nuts."

so the doctor says: "well, that's easy, just take this medicine before going...

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A psychiatrist is making hs rounds in a mental hospital

He comes to the first room and sees the patient standing on his bed and swinging an imaginary bat. He asks the patient what he’s doing. The patient says “I’m not going to be here forever, so when I get better I want to be a baseball player” The doctor says that’s good to have a goal, and moves to th...

A retired banker went to a psychiatrist.

He said "For 30 years, I worked in a bank as a teller. Every day i would serve dozens of customers. I loved my job and never missed a day.
Last month, i retired.
Since then, every time i pass a bank, i have a huge craving to enter and take out money.
Even if i pass an ATM, i have to stop a...

I wore my kilt for my first meeting with my psychiatrist

She told me I was mentally ill just moments after I sat down.

She said ‘I can clearly see your nuts’

I told my psychiatrist I'm thinking about suicide

He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

I walked into the dentist’s and whispered, “I think I’m a moth.” The dentist shrugged, “I don’t think you should be here. You need to see a psychiatrist.” I continued, “I am seeing a psychiatrist.” Puzzled, he asked, “What are you doing here then?” I explained...

“The light was on.”

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A psychiatrist was testing a patient’s personality. He drew a circle on a paper.

And asked the patient, “What does this remind you of?”

The patient answered, “Sex.”

The shrink drew a square and asked again, “What does this remind you of?”

“Sex,” the patient replied.

Then the doctor drew a triangle.

“It reminds me of sex,” the patient stated. ...

What train goes to the psychiatrist office?

The Bi-Polar Express

My psychiatrist asked me if I have any irrational fears…

I was afraid that she’d ask that

What is the difference between a daydreamer, a psychopath and a psychiatrist?

The daydreamer builds a Castle in his mind, the psychopath lives in it and the psychologist collects the rent

A Chinese man went to a psychiatrist in Beijing

He says "I am under a lot of stress. I feel like I am being watched. I feel like there are cameras everywhere, my phone is bugged, someone is opening my mail, and I think I am even being followed by secret police"

The psychiatrist says ". . . . And?"

My neighbor got a diagnosis from a psychiatrist and decided to get an Emotional Support Animal.

His choice? A skunk. His diagnosis? Sociopath.

One day i told a psychiatrist that pi wasn’t real.

She said i was being irrational.

Why did the MPLS router go to the psychiatrist?

Because it was tired of all the labels people put on it.

Psychiatrist: "You need to think more positive and generalize less."

Me: "Yeah, it's a shame that everyone's so negative."

I walked into the psychiatrist office the other day with a penguin and an ice bear

Got diagnosed with being bipolar :(

“Doctor,” a man told his psychiatrist, “my wife thinks I’m crazy because I like sausages.”

“That’s nonsense,” said the psychiatrist. “I like sausages myself.”

“You do!” the man shrieked. “You should come and see my collection I’ve got thousands!”

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A man goes to a psychiatrist

A man goes to a psychiatrist for a variety of psychological issues.

During the interview the subject of sex comes up.

The doctor asked him how often do you have intercourse with your wife?
Three times a week he replied.

And what's your favorite position that you both enjoy?...

I like to stand in the corner of my psychiatrist’s waiting room and blow on anyone who walks by…

Most people hate it, but I’m a fan.

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I Fell In Love With My Psychiatrist

I told her I was sexually frustrated.

She said "take two viagra and call me."

The mother took her young daughter to a psychiatrist and explained to the headshrinker that the girl thought she was a chicken. The doctor soothed her, observing that an overactive imagination is not uncommon in children, and asking how long the girl had suffered from the delusion.

"Almost two years," said the mother.
"Your daughter has imagined she is a chicken for nearly two years?!" the psychiatrist exclaimed. "Why have you waited so long before bringing her in?"
The woman looked embarrassed, then confessed: "We needed the eggs, doctor."

My Psychiatrist 'It seems like you have a fear of getting married. Do you know the symptoms?'

'I can't say I do.'

'Exactly. That's one of them.'

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The Psychiatrist & The Proctologist

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel. Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist. They put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and ...

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A small town psychiatrist is visiting a big city asylum

The resident psychiatrist is giving him a tour of the facility.

As they walk down the hallway they come to the first door on the left and the small town psychiatrist asks if he can take a look.

The resident psychiatrist says sure so they walk over and look through the little window ...

A woman asks a psychiatrist what is wrong with her husband, who keeps saying over and over "I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam."

"Easy diagnosis", the doctor says. "He's too tense."

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A man goes to a psychiatrist for an evaluation

So the psychiatrist draws a horizontal line and asks him what that reminds him of. "A naked woman" he replies. So he draws a vertical line. "And this?" he asks "A naked woman." Doctor then draws an X and asks the same question. "Two people having sex." comes the answer. "Hmmmmm" goes the doctor. "It...

A Psychiatrist Had No Patients In His Office…..

Suddenly, the door opened slowly and a man crept into the room on four legs.
His mouth was full with pieces of colored plastic.
He was holding strange objects in his hands.
He was dragging cables along behind himself.
The doctor was glad because of the visit and exclaimed,
“And what d...

My wife and I went to see a psychiatrist. "What can I do for you?" he asked. "Our son has got an imaginary friend." said my wife.

"There is nothing wrong with a good healthy imagination to help a child to develop and this is very common and nothing to worry about at all." said the psychiatrist.

"We haven't got a son." I replied.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy so I told him I want a second opinion.

He said, “Okay, you’re ugly too.”

-Rodney Dangerfield

After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes

"No hablo ingles"

A guy tells his psychiatrist:

"It was terrible. I was away on business, and I emailed my wife that I’d be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don’t get it. How could she do this to me? “Well," says the psychiatrist. "Maybe she didn’t see the email."

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There's a psychiatrist having a meeting with 3 women and their 3 children.

There's a psychiatrist having a meeting with 3 women and their 3 children.

The psychiatrist says: "After observing for an hour i can see you're all obsessed with something."

He says "the first woman's addiction is money, you even named your daughter penny!"

Then he says, pointin...

My wife begged me in the doctors waiting room to go in with her to see the psychiatrist about my issues with starting a family.

I refused to come inside.

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Dr. Sigmund had just been named the new head psychiatrist at a mental hospital. (Long)

He decided to make the rounds of the ward and introduce himself to the patients. In the first hospital room he met Patient #1, who seemed to be playing an imaginary game of baseball

Dr. Sigmund asked, "Tell me, why were you placed in this hospital?"

"They're all jealous of me!" said P...

Why did the bicycle go to the psychiatrist?

It had cycle logical problems

My psychiatrist diagnosed me with OCD,

I told him that it was impossible because there is no disorder in my life

My psychiatrist wrote on my evaluation form that I have ocd.

I had to correct it to OCD.

A man went to a psychiatrist f

A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia.
"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands ...

A psychiatrist is testing his patients

He asks the first one "what is 4+2?" The patient replies "potato" The doctor is disappointed and moves on to the next one. He asks the second one "what is 4+2?" the patient replies "5000" The doctor is disappointed and moves on to the next one. He asks the third one "what is 4+2?" the patient replie...

Psychiatrist asks two patients to act they're in a grocery store

he told them that if they do it well, he'll sign them off the hospital.

so the first asks for one gallon of potatoes

the second one bursts into laughter

the doctor was happy his patient is cured, but asks him for confirmation : "why are you laughing ?" ...

A man walks into his first session with a psychiatrist

His mood is almost as dark as the room, shades drawn almost fully closed with just enough light to cast shadows like a priest’s confessional stall. *Perfect*, he thinks, *this will be easier if he can’t see the tears welling in my eyes*.

He sits down and breathes a heavy sigh. The clock tick...

How many psychiatrists are needed to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but they'll be more than 20 sessions to find that the lightbulb doesn't need to change.

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An old man takes his weekly visit to his psychiatrist

The psychiatrist asks:

How is your relationship with god?

The old man replies:

It’s amazing, god helps me so much. Every night when I need to use the toilet, he turns the light on for me and closes it for me after I have finished. God is amazing.

The psychiatrist was...

Why did the Mexican go to the psychiatrist?

His-panic disorder.

I went to the psychiatrist because I think I'm a dog...

The psychiatrist says "no problem, lay down on the couch."

I told him "I'm not allowed on the couch."

A woman goes to her psychiatrist and starts to complain.

-"I don't want to get married. I am an educated, independent woman and I am happy by myself. I don’t need a husband, but my parents insist me to get married. What should I do?"

The psychiatrist : "You, no doubt, will achieve wonderful things in life. But at some point, some things will not ...

I once saw a child psychiatrist....

... but the kid couldn't help me

Why did the dog go see a psychiatrist?

He found out he was adopted.

I've been seeing a psychiatrist for a while now.

Even though I know he's not really there.

My psychiatrist says I have revenge issues...

I'll show him.

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This guy walks into a Psychiatrist's office. He has a duck on his head. The Psychiatrist says, "Can I help you?"

The duck says, “ya, get this guy off of my ass.”

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says "You gotta help. I think I'm a dog!"

The psychiatrist says "That's very interesting, why don't you go ahead and lie down on the couch. The man responds "I'm not allowed on the couch."

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What do you get when you cross a psychiatrist with a prostitute?

The answer will blow your mind!

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A man walks into a psychiatrist office and says "I cant seem to make any friends"

"Do you think you can help me you fat fuck?"

My psychiatrist told me to just write letters to the people I hate and burn them

Now I wonder what to do with the letters

A man to a psychiatrist:

“How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?”
The psychiatrist replies: “We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub.”
The man smiles: “Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket.” ...

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A pair of conjoined twins went to see the psychiatrist. Twin A confessed to wanting to have sex with twin B. The shrink responded...

Hey, you do you.

I went to my psychiatrist the other day

I said hey Doc I keep having this recurring dream and it’s got me really frazzled , one minute I’m a tepee and the next I’m a wigwam, next minute a tepee and then a ... stop right there he said, I know exactly what’s wrong with you. Your two tents

What did the journalist say to the psychiatrist?

I'm the press.

Why did Father Christmas go see a psychiatrist?

He stopped believing in himself.









\---

He is also a raging alcoholic and suffers from clinical depression.

I was at the hospital and I walked into a surgeon’s office

“Can I help you?” He asked.

“I keep thinking that I’m a moth.” I replied.

“You probably want a Psychiatrist for that.”

“Yeah, I know.”

He looked confused. “Then why are you here?”

“The light was on.”

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What did Hitlers psychiatrist say about him?

There's something not reich with him.

A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband: “My husband is acting so weird.

He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!”

Psychiatrist: “Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.“

My psychiatrist says I'm preoccupied with revenge.

We'll see about that.

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Moth psychiatrist

A moth walks into a physiotherapists office and says "I don't know what's up with me doc. I just feel really down all the time, I don't know where my life is heading".

The physio says "Why have you come here? I'm a physiotherapist, you need a psychiatrist".

The moth replies "Your light...

My psychiatrist said I wasn't completely normal...

But I asked some plants at home and they said it's not that bad

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A guy confesses to his psychiatrist that he's having trouble at work...

"What sort of trouble?" asks the shrink.

"I work in the production line at a pickle factory, and I know this is going to sound crazy, but lately I've been fantasizing about putting my penis into the pickle-slicer."

"My God, man!" the shrink exclaims. "You can't do that!"

"I know...

Confused man sees a psychiatrist

A man goes to see a psychiatrist.
"Doc, you gotta help me. I'm a teepee. No wait, I'm a wigwam. No, I'm definitely a teepee. Actually, I'm pretty sure I'm a wigwam. Nah, I'm for sure a teepee. But actually, I'm 100% certain I'm a wigw-...."
"Stop, stop. Just stop right there, I already know wh...

A man experiencing a split personality went to the psychiatrist. One personality swore he was a teepee and the other swore he was a wigwam.

The psychiatrist replied, "You're just too tense"

What should a doctor wear during a psychiatrist job interview?

A straight jacket to show them you're committed.

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I Told my psychiatrist today that I feel hopelessly depressed.

"Have you thought about self-harming?" He asked.

For fuck's sake, I thought you were here to help, I said.

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A man goes to his psychiatrist ...

Doc, I know we covered it last time, but I keep having the same twisted dream every night. In these dreams I'm a sexual deviant, practicing sadism, necrophilia, and bestiality. Am I going crazy, or am I just beating a dead horse?

A man goes to a psychiatrist

and says “my brother thinks he is a cow.” The psychiatrist says “why don’t you bring him for a treatment?” The man says “ we need the milk.”

A guy says to his Psychiatrist : I am having suicidal thoughts

Psychiatrist : You need to pay my fees in advance today

A psychiatrist takes his patients to a ballgame

A psychiatrist is taking his patients out to a baseball game. He tells them to get on the bus by saying "get on the bus, nuts" and when they get to the stadium he says "get off the bus nuts." When they get to the seats he tells them "get in your seats, nuts."

During the game he goes to the ba...

My psychiatrist said that I have too much self esteem.

I think he's very wrong.

Edit: thank you for the gold kind stranger.

Edit: thank you for the titanium kind stranger

Edit: oh my God I can't believe I got a ternion all powerful!

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A guy goes to see a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist shows him an ink blot picture and asks him to say the first thing that he thinks of, to which he replies, "Sex." He shows him another and again he replies, "Sex." This continues through the whole set and every time he replies, "Sex." The psychiatrist is dismayed by this and tells th...

The psychologist and psychiatrist society says talking to plants and pots during the pandemic is perfectly normal...

Seek help, if they start talking back...

A guy went to his psychiatrist complaining that he woke up screaming every night

First he would dream he was a tepee, then he would dream he was a wigwam. "Doctor, what should I do?" "Well, first of all," the doctor replied, "relax. You're two tents."

A psychiatrist is addressing a group of people who have all had experiences with the supernatural.

A psychiatrist is addressing a group of people who have all had experiences with the supernatural. He asks: "Who here has seen a ghost?"
Everyone puts up their hands. He then asks: "Who here has spoken with a ghost?"

Half the audience puts up their hands. "And who here has touched a ghos...

A Psychiatrist is sitting in his office...

When his secretary comes in and says "Sir, there's a man here to see you who thinks he's a flock of crows. If you ask me we should just send him to the loony bin and be done with it."

And the psychiatrist replied "Doris! Are you asking me to commit a murder!?"

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My psychiatrist asked me when I came into my own, sexually.

I told him I wasn't really sure but I think I was around 11 or 12.

He says "That's really early. Who was it?"

I said "My hand."

A woman tells a psychiatrist about her husband's incredibly odd behavior.

Woman: Doctor, he just keeps repeating the same thing over and over.

Doctor: What does he say?

Woman: He says "I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam. I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam."

Doctor: Don't worry. I know exactly what's wrong with him, and all he needs is a little relaxation.

Woma...

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A man goes to the psychiatrist and tells him that every day he passes a delicatessen.

In the window of the deli is a pickle slicer, slicing pickles. He tells the doctor that he has this urge, every time he passes, to put his
penis in the pickle slicer.

The shrink calms him down and asks him a little more about himself, trying to talk him out of it. He suggests he take a ...

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I had to call a psychiatrist to come into my bathroom

The toilet had seen some serious shit!

A psychiatrist decides to visit a psychiatric hospital

He is curious what the psychiatric patients do in their free time. He enters the recreational area and sees that the patients have set up a table as a stage. One by one, the patients climb up and say a number. The audience laughs each time.

The psychiatrist is confused, so he asks one of the ...

I had to see a psychiatrist recently after becoming obsessed with a specific shade of purple

Apparently I’m Plum Crazy

A Terrorist goes to a psychiatrist

the psychiatrist diagnosed him with being self-destructive.

My psychiatrist said I should focus on inner peace while quarantined by finishing everything left undone...

I looked around the house and found half a bottle of merlot, some gin, a litl scotch, som old scriptun of valum adn oxtdkl.

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having an identity crisis

"Some days I feel like a teepee" he says.
"Then other days I feel like a wigwam. I dont know which one is true"

"One day, teepee! The next, wigwam! Teepee! Wigwam! Teepee! Wigwam! Teepee! Wigwam!"

The psychiatrist yells, "Get a grip, man! You're too tense!"

A man walked into a psychiatrist room

He said,"I had a dream. It went like this:

I was walking on a road, and suddenly, beep beep beep beep beep beep..."

After ten seconds, the psychiatrist asked the man nicely to stop beeping. The man, however, went on.

After half an hour, the psychiatrist is tired of asking for th...

A guy goes into the psychiatrist

The psychatrist holds up a glossy piece of paper and says "tell me what you see"

"I see my mom naked!" says the guy. The psychiatrist smirks and holds up another one.

"How about this one?"

"That's you doing my mom!" The psychiatrist starts laughing now.

"Damnit, Doc!! I t...

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