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How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but the light has to really want to change.


Give me your best lightbulb joke.

Psychiatrist: "How long have you had short-term memory loss?"

Patient: "As long as I can remember."

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A duck walks into a psychiatrist's office...

He sits on the couch and the two stare at each other in silence for a moment. Eventually the duck says, "Quack."

"Get out of here!" yells the psychiatrist. "I won't be ridiculed in my office."

The duck travels to another psychiatrist's office. He sits on the couch. The two look at each...

i told my psychiatrist I'm having suicidal thoughts

he said i have to start paying him in advance from now on

My psychiatrist asked me if I have any irrational fears…

I was afraid that she’d ask that

A guy goes to a psychiatrist to see about his strange dreaming...

"doctor I'm dreaming everynight about a soccer tournament for ants. It's on everynight. They went though a group stage, a knockout phase and its the only thing I'm dreaming about the last week, it's driving me nuts."

so the doctor says: "well, that's easy, just take this medicine before going...

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What do you call an angry psychiatrist?

Therapissed

My wife begged me in the doctors waiting room to go in with her to see the psychiatrist about my issues with starting a family.

I refused to come inside.

A guy walks into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but Saran wrap.

The shrink looks at him and says "well I can clearly see you're nuts.."

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A thirty year old man goes to a psychiatrist…

Psychiatrist: How long have you been married?

Man: 42 years.

Psychiatrist: How is that even possible?

Man: I count in dog years because my wife is a bitch.

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This is actually a true story told by a psychiatrist in Sri Lanka, which my father told me. I have changed some names to make it more universal...

Dr. Chandra the psychiatrist was talking to a patient in his ward who was convinced he was a Buddha. The man sat cross-legged on his bed in an apparent meditation posture when Dr. Chandra came to interview him.

Dr. Chandra: so you believe you are a Buddha?

Patient: that is so

D...

What train goes to the psychiatrist office?

The Bi-Polar Express

A lady walks in to her psychiatrist's office with a duck on a leash...

The doctor takes a look and says, "How can I help you, ma'am?"

"Thank you, doctor. But, it's not me, it's my husband. He thinks he's a duck."

What is the difference between a daydreamer, a psychopath and a psychiatrist?

The daydreamer builds a Castle in his mind, the psychopath lives in it and the psychologist collects the rent

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There's a psychiatrist having a meeting with 3 women and their 3 children.

There's a psychiatrist having a meeting with 3 women and their 3 children.

The psychiatrist says: "After observing for an hour i can see you're all obsessed with something."

He says "the first woman's addiction is money, you even named your daughter penny!"

Then he says, pointin...

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I Fell In Love With My Psychiatrist

I told her I was sexually frustrated.

She said "take two viagra and call me."

I walked into the dentist’s and whispered, “I think I’m a moth.” The dentist shrugged, “I don’t think you should be here. You need to see a psychiatrist.” I continued, “I am seeing a psychiatrist.” Puzzled, he asked, “What are you doing here then?” I explained...

“The light was on.”

I went to a psychiatrist today. She told me I had a split personality and charged me $160

I gave her $80 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion.

He said okay, Those are the worst tattoo's I ever saw!

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A small town psychiatrist is visiting a big city asylum

The resident psychiatrist is giving him a tour of the facility.

As they walk down the hallway they come to the first door on the left and the small town psychiatrist asks if he can take a look.

The resident psychiatrist says sure so they walk over and look through the little window ...

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A psychiatrist is making hs rounds in a mental hospital

He comes to the first room and sees the patient standing on his bed and swinging an imaginary bat. He asks the patient what he’s doing. The patient says “I’m not going to be here forever, so when I get better I want to be a baseball player” The doctor says that’s good to have a goal, and moves to th...

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Two psychiatrists were having lunch and talking about Freudian slips.

Shrink 1: Let me tell you about my Freudian slip when I ate dinner with my mother last night.

Shrink 2: Ooh yes, tell me.

Shrink 1: I meant to say, "Mom, please pass the salt "

Shrink 2: Yes, yes, what did you say instead?

Shrink 1: Well, I meant to say "Mom, please p...

My psychiatrist asked me if anyone else suffered from mental illness in my family.

I answered " No they all seem to enjoy it"

A retired banker went to a psychiatrist.

He said "For 30 years, I worked in a bank as a teller. Every day i would serve dozens of customers. I loved my job and never missed a day.
Last month, i retired.
Since then, every time i pass a bank, i have a huge craving to enter and take out money.
Even if i pass an ATM, i have to stop a...

Why can't you hear a psychiatrist go to the bathroom?

Because the 'P' is silent.


I work in mental health and a patient told me this one the other day

12 years of therapy with a psychiatrist & today he finally broke his silence...

After twelve years of therapy my *psychiatrist* said something that brought tears to my eyes.

He said, "*No hablo ingles*."

Ronnie Shakes quote.

My Psychiatrist 'It seems like you have a fear of getting married. Do you know the symptoms?'

'I can't say I do.'

'Exactly. That's one of them.'

I've been seeing a psychiatrist for a while now.

Even though I know he's not really there.

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A woman goes to a psychiatrist

She says I'm having a problem with my husband.

He's totally fixated on his mother....

He thinks about nothing but his mother..

All he cares about is his mom...

What can I do to have him think about me?

The shrink says you have to sex it up a bit//

Wear linge...

Yesterday, I went to My Psychiatrist Office Wearing Saranwrap Pants

My psychiatrist said, "Clearly; I can see you're nuts".

Why do psychiatrists give their patients shock treatment?

To prepare them for the bill

My psychiatrist said I might be a psychopath….

Good news is atleast I’m on a path

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The Psychiatrist

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist draws a circle and shows it to him.

"What's this?" asks the psychiatrist.

"A tit," says the guy.

The psychiatrist then draws a square.

"What's this?

"It's a tit," says the guy.

The psychiatrist then draws a tria...

My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.

Psychiatrist: So how long have you believed in reincarnation?

Ever since the last election.

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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children...

"You all have obsessions," he
observed.

To the first mother, from Toronto, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, from Montreal, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's...

A guy goes to a psychiatrist.

"Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replies, "It's very simple. You're two tents."

What's a psychiatrist's favourite karaoke song?

All the Jung dudes.



(Happy Birthday Bowie!)

A man walks into his first session with a psychiatrist

His mood is almost as dark as the room, shades drawn almost fully closed with just enough light to cast shadows like a priest’s confessional stall. *Perfect*, he thinks, *this will be easier if he can’t see the tears welling in my eyes*.

He sits down and breathes a heavy sigh. The clock tick...

I went to Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes

When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop.

He glared at me ...

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Dr. Sigmund had just been named the new head psychiatrist at a mental hospital. (Long)

He decided to make the rounds of the ward and introduce himself to the patients. In the first hospital room he met Patient #1, who seemed to be playing an imaginary game of baseball

Dr. Sigmund asked, "Tell me, why were you placed in this hospital?"

"They're all jealous of me!" said P...

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A psychiatrist was testing a patient’s personality. He drew a circle on a paper.

And asked the patient, “What does this remind you of?”

The patient answered, “Sex.”

The shrink drew a square and asked again, “What does this remind you of?”

“Sex,” the patient replied.

Then the doctor drew a triangle.

“It reminds me of sex,” the patient stated. ...

Why did the bicycle go to the psychiatrist?

It had cycle logical problems

I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices

He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist

My psychiatrist told me I have multiple personality disorder

We think that’s stupid

I like to stand in the corner of my psychiatrist's waiting room and blow on anyone who walks by...

Most people hate it, but I'm a fan...

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There’s this psychiatrist who claims to guess the frequency of sex by looking at the smile on the guys face

. A talk show host challenges him and it goes really well with a 100% accuracy till this one guy shows up with a grin that would dislocate a crocodile’s jaw.

“Twice a day,”

“Nope.”

“Daily.”

“Nope.”

“Every other day.”

“Nope.”

“Weekends.”

“Nope.”...

My psychiatrist diagnosed me with OCD,

I told him that it was impossible because there is no disorder in my life

My psychiatrist said I was a kleptomaniac...

I said, "Is there anything I can take for it?"

What’s a psychiatrists favorite kinda shoes?

Issues.

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A pair of conjoined twins went to see the psychiatrist. Twin A confessed to wanting to have sex with twin B. The shrink responded...

Hey, you do you.

I went to my psychiatrist the other day

I said hey Doc I keep having this recurring dream and it’s got me really frazzled , one minute I’m a tepee and the next I’m a wigwam, next minute a tepee and then a ... stop right there he said, I know exactly what’s wrong with you. Your two tents

What did the journalist say to the psychiatrist?

I'm the press.

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A guy goes to see a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist shows him an ink blot picture and asks him to say the first thing that he thinks of, to which he replies, "Sex." He shows him another and again he replies, "Sex." This continues through the whole set and every time he replies, "Sex." The psychiatrist is dismayed by this and tells th...

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A man walks into a psychiatrist office and says "I cant seem to make any friends"

"Do you think you can help me you fat fuck?"

My psychiatrist wrote on my evaluation form that I have ocd.

I had to correct it to OCD.

Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.

The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.

The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"

Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just ...

Why did the Mexican go to the psychiatrist?

His-panic disorder.

Confusing

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply.

"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who t...

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What do you get when you cross a psychiatrist with a prostitute?

The answer will blow your mind!

A man experiencing a split personality went to the psychiatrist. One personality swore he was a teepee and the other swore he was a wigwam.

The psychiatrist replied, "You're just too tense"

A man is visiting a psychiatrist. The doctor says "How can I help you?"

The man replies "I think I am a dog!"

The doc looks at him over his glasses and says "Okay, let's talk about that. How about you lay down on this couch?"

"I'm not allowed to go on the couch!"

My wife and I went to see a psychiatrist. "What can I do for you?" he asked. "Our son has got an imaginary friend." said my wife.

"There is nothing wrong with a good healthy imagination to help a child to develop and this is very common and nothing to worry about at all." said the psychiatrist.

"We haven't got a son." I replied.

How do you tell the different between a psychiatrist and an adult film star?

Ask them to pronounce the word 'analyzed.'

My psychiatrist said I wasn't completely normal...

But I asked some plants at home and they said it's not that bad

My psychiatrist says I'm preoccupied with revenge.

We'll see about that.

A man suffering from terrible stress goes to a psychiatrist for help...

He sits on the couch and jitters nervously.

"What seems to be the problem," the Psychiatrist asks.

"Well Doc, I've been having these two reoccurring dreams for months, and they're really starting to worry me. I'm sleeping less because I'm scared and it's taking a toll on me"

"I...

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A man goes to a psychiatrist for an evaluation

So the psychiatrist draws a horizontal line and asks him what that reminds him of. "A naked woman" he replies. So he draws a vertical line. "And this?" he asks "A naked woman." Doctor then draws an X and asks the same question. "Two people having sex." comes the answer. "Hmmmmm" goes the doctor. "It...

Why did Father Christmas go see a psychiatrist?

He stopped believing in himself.









\---

He is also a raging alcoholic and suffers from clinical depression.

Confused man sees a psychiatrist

A man goes to see a psychiatrist.
"Doc, you gotta help me. I'm a teepee. No wait, I'm a wigwam. No, I'm definitely a teepee. Actually, I'm pretty sure I'm a wigwam. Nah, I'm for sure a teepee. But actually, I'm 100% certain I'm a wigw-...."
"Stop, stop. Just stop right there, I already know wh...

What should a doctor wear during a psychiatrist job interview?

A straight jacket to show them you're committed.

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A Moth Walks Into a Podiatrist's Office

And the podiatrist’s office says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”

The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows...

A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband: “My husband is acting so weird.

He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!”

Psychiatrist: “Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.“

A man went to a psychiatrist f

A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia.
"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands ...

A woman goes to her psychiatrist and starts to complain.

-"I don't want to get married. I am an educated, independent woman and I am happy by myself. I don’t need a husband, but my parents insist me to get married. What should I do?"

The psychiatrist : "You, no doubt, will achieve wonderful things in life. But at some point, some things will not ...

A psychiatrist is addressing a group of people who have all had experiences with the supernatural.

A psychiatrist is addressing a group of people who have all had experiences with the supernatural. He asks: "Who here has seen a ghost?"
Everyone puts up their hands. He then asks: "Who here has spoken with a ghost?"

Half the audience puts up their hands. "And who here has touched a ghos...

The mother took her young daughter to a psychiatrist and explained to the headshrinker that the girl thought she was a chicken. The doctor soothed her, observing that an overactive imagination is not uncommon in children, and asking how long the girl had suffered from the delusion.

"Almost two years," said the mother.
"Your daughter has imagined she is a chicken for nearly two years?!" the psychiatrist exclaimed. "Why have you waited so long before bringing her in?"
The woman looked embarrassed, then confessed: "We needed the eggs, doctor."

A psychiatrist finds a man lying by the road who has been robbed and beaten senseless.

The psychiatrist says, "My god, whoever did this needs help!"

I once saw a child psychiatrist....

... but the kid couldn't help me

A guy tells his psychiatrist:

"It was terrible. I was away on business, and I emailed my wife that I’d be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don’t get it. How could she do this to me? “Well," says the psychiatrist. "Maybe she didn’t see the email."

I went to my psychiatrist recently.

I told him I had been feeling down, and depressed lately, and I sometimes don't know how I will ever become happy and content anymore.

He looked at me and said, with a concerned look on his face "have you considered suicide?"

To which I said "I didn't know that was an option

A guy went to his psychiatrist complaining that he woke up screaming every night

First he would dream he was a tepee, then he would dream he was a wigwam. "Doctor, what should I do?" "Well, first of all," the doctor replied, "relax. You're two tents."

A man goes to a psychiatrist

and says “my brother thinks he is a cow.” The psychiatrist says “why don’t you bring him for a treatment?” The man says “ we need the milk.”

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What did Hitlers psychiatrist say about him?

There's something not reich with him.

Doctor. I think I'm a moth

A man goes to see a surgeon and says,

Man: "Doctor, I think I am a moth."

Surgeon: "Very strange, but surely you need a psychiatrist, not a surgeon. Why did you come to me?"

Man: "Your light was on."

A psychiatrist takes his patients to a ballgame

A psychiatrist is taking his patients out to a baseball game. He tells them to get on the bus by saying "get on the bus, nuts" and when they get to the stadium he says "get off the bus nuts." When they get to the seats he tells them "get in your seats, nuts."

During the game he goes to the ba...

The psychiatrist asks the patient, "So what seems to be the problem?"

"Well Doc, for a long time now, I've believed that I'm really a dog!"

"And how long have you felt this way?", asks the shrink.

"Ever since I was a puppy."


(Apols if its a repost, it is very old. I first heard it in my kennel)

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Moth psychiatrist

A moth walks into a physiotherapists office and says "I don't know what's up with me doc. I just feel really down all the time, I don't know where my life is heading".

The physio says "Why have you come here? I'm a physiotherapist, you need a psychiatrist".

The moth replies "Your light...

My psychiatrist said that I have too much self esteem.

I think he's very wrong.

Edit: thank you for the gold kind stranger.

Edit: thank you for the titanium kind stranger

Edit: oh my God I can't believe I got a ternion all powerful!

A man walked into a psychiatrist room

He said,"I had a dream. It went like this:

I was walking on a road, and suddenly, beep beep beep beep beep beep..."

After ten seconds, the psychiatrist asked the man nicely to stop beeping. The man, however, went on.

After half an hour, the psychiatrist is tired of asking for th...

This naked man walks into a psychiatrist's office ...

He is naked except that he is completely wrapped in head to toe with cellophane. He says, "First impression, doc, am I crazy?"

The doctor says, "Well, normally I don't like making rash diagnoses but in this case it is sooo obvious. Everyone in my entire office can see your nuts."

A GUY GOES TO SEE HIS PSYCHIATRIST DRESSED ONLY IN BUBBLE WRAP. WHEN HE GETS THERE HE ASKED THE PSYCH, CAN YOU PLEASE HELP ME?

THE PSYCH SAYS NO, I’M SORRY, I CAN CLEARLY SEE YOUR NUTS.

How is a catholic tailor like a behavioral psychiatrist?

They’ve both learned how to alter habits.

A Terrorist goes to a psychiatrist

the psychiatrist diagnosed him with being self-destructive.

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office, goes, "Doc, you got to help me. My brother's crazy. He thinks he's a chicken."
The doc goes, "Well, why don't you turn him in?"
The guy goes, "You know I would,
but,
I need the eggs."
.
.
.
Disclaimer: Stolen Joke.

A couple visit a psychiatrist

The husband says " when ever I try to talk to her she just holds up gang signs "

The wife replies ( in sign language )


" I'm deaf "

My psychiatrist told me to just write letters to the people I hate and burn them

Now I wonder what to do with the letters

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I had to call a psychiatrist to come into my bathroom

The toilet had seen some serious shit!

A man to a psychiatrist:

“How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?”
The psychiatrist replies: “We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub.”
The man smiles: “Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket.” ...

A psychiatrist decides to visit a psychiatric hospital

He is curious what the psychiatric patients do in their free time. He enters the recreational area and sees that the patients have set up a table as a stage. One by one, the patients climb up and say a number. The audience laughs each time.

The psychiatrist is confused, so he asks one of the ...

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Still a virgin,,,

A couple got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love making, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before."

The wife responds, "Well, ...

I had to see a psychiatrist recently after becoming obsessed with a specific shade of purple

Apparently I’m Plum Crazy

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I Told my psychiatrist today that I feel hopelessly depressed.

"Have you thought about self-harming?" He asked.

For fuck's sake, I thought you were here to help, I said.

A guy says to his Psychiatrist : I am having suicidal thoughts

Psychiatrist : You need to pay my fees in advance today

A Norwegian goes to the psychiatrist

"What brings you in today?"

"I've just been so depressed. I wish I was never Björn"

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A man who bed-wets went to see a psychiatrist.

A man who bed-wets went to see a psychiatrist.

PSYCHIATRIST: Does a dream usually precede your bed-wetting? Tell me how it happens.

MAN: A little demon Appeared to me in my sleep and says, "o good man let us urinate". Then, I woke up to see the bed wet with my urine.

PSYCHIAT...

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having an identity crisis

"Some days I feel like a teepee" he says.
"Then other days I feel like a wigwam. I dont know which one is true"

"One day, teepee! The next, wigwam! Teepee! Wigwam! Teepee! Wigwam! Teepee! Wigwam!"

The psychiatrist yells, "Get a grip, man! You're too tense!"

My psychiatrist said I should focus on inner peace while quarantined by finishing everything left undone...

I looked around the house and found half a bottle of merlot, some gin, a litl scotch, som old scriptun of valum adn oxtdkl.

A man goes to his psychiatrist and says “Doctor, I have a problem. I think that I’m a dog.” The doctor asks the man how long he’s had this problem

The man replies-“Since I was a puppy”

A guy goes into the psychiatrist

The psychatrist holds up a glossy piece of paper and says "tell me what you see"

"I see my mom naked!" says the guy. The psychiatrist smirks and holds up another one.

"How about this one?"

"That's you doing my mom!" The psychiatrist starts laughing now.

"Damnit, Doc!! I t...

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