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Babies Jokes

Light babies are delivered by stork, heavy babies...

Delivered by crane.

Four men and their wives are having babies…

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies

A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You're the father of twins.”

“That's odd,” answers the man

“I work for the Minnesota Twins!”

A nurse says to the second guy, “Congr...

Jesus can walk on water. Babies are 72% water. I can walk on babies. Therefore I'm 72% jesus.

I'm also 100% in prison.

Making babies

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said,
'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-t...

If a bluebird has blue babies and a redbird has red babies, what kind of bird has no babies?

A swallow

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do people still have babies?

For shits and giggles.

What do you call an army of babies?

An infantry

If a stork brings white babies, and a blackbird black babies, what bird brings no babies?

A Swallow.

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What sexual position makes ugly babies?

Idk, ask your parents.

Babies are born with 4 kidneys.

When they grow up, 2 of them turn into adult knees.

Crows make black babies. Doves make white babies. What makes no babies?

Swallows.

I love eating babies and smiling

but I hate punctuation

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A boob, a vagina and an asshole are debating as to who is the greatest of them all. Boob: I give milk to new born babies and I’m attractive to the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest. Vagina: I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest.

Now it’s your turn to speak.

Why can't Chinese people have white babies?

Because two Wongs don't make a white

"I know where babies come from."

After coming home from school and sitting down on the couch, young Jenny proudly proclaimed "Mommy, I know where babies come from!"

Imagining storks and unicorns, her Mom said "OK, then why don't you tell me Honey."

Jenny says "The Mommy and Daddy take off their clothes and start huggi...

A pregnant woman is hit by a car....

She is sent into a coma for 1 year. She wakes up, no longer pregnant, screaming," Doctor! Doctor! Where is my baby?!"

The doctor replies, "Calm down, your babies are fine. You had twins! a girl and a boy. We gave them to your brother to watch while you were in the hospital."

She says,...

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A redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having their babies. Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said "congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets, 5 big baby boys."

The redneck said "I am not surprised. I have a penis the size of a chimney." The nurse replied, "you might want to get it cleaned because they are all black."

The Three Babies

An Englishman, Welshman and a Jamaican are in hospital waiting for their wives to give birth.
After much pacing up and down, the nurse emerges from the maternity ward and announces that each are the father to a bouncing baby boy.
“Unfortunately there’s just one small problem” she adds.
“Be...

Three babies in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up.

Three babies in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up. The first one says, “I wanna be a plumber, so I can fix the pipes in here.” The second one says, “I wanna be an electrician, so I can get some lights in here.” The third one says, “I wanna be a boxer.” The others look con...

Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer’s.

Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.

how many babies do you need to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a kid asks "mommy how are babies made?"

The mom replies:so kiddo,your dad and i loved eachoter so much that daddy planted a seed! i took care of it everyday until it sprouted,and we smoked it and got so high that we fucked without a condom

Not all babies are sweet...

Some require a lot of sauce to even be edible.

Two babies were just born at the hospital.

One of the babies turns to the other and asks, "Are you a boy baby, or a girl baby?" The other baby just giggles and says. "I don't know!"

The other newborn is surprised, but admits, "Actually, I don't know if I'm a boy or a girl, either."

"I wonder how we can find out?" says the secon...

Three new fathers, an Englishman, a Welshman and an Indian are looking at their newborn babies cribs in hospital.

All three babies are side by side and the fathers are congratulating each other on their new arrivals.

Just then, a nurse enters the room, looking quite flustered.
"I'm sorry" says the nurse " but we've lost the paperwork, and can't tell you whose baby is whose!"

The three fathers l...

Babies

Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.

Two babies are sitting in their playpen cooing away...

Baby 1: Well, looks like I'm getting circumcised tomorrow.

Baby 2: Ouch, I had it done when I was just a few days old.

Baby 1: Well then, does it hurt mate?

Baby 2: I'll put it to you this way pal, after I had it done I couldn't walk for about a year.

Why can't ghosts have babies? [Halloween Joke]

Because they have hollow-weenies!

10% of European babies are conceived on an IKEA bed.

So, be sure to follow the instructions.

Put Peg A into Slot B, and then screw until the nuts tighten.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many babies does it take to change a light bulb?

Not 53 because my basement is still dark..

Babies are like flying type Pokémon

They’re strong against bugs, but weak against rocks and electricity.

Why are cats better than babies?

When you are done holding a cat you can just drop them.

What's worse than finding 2 babies in a trash can?

Finding 1 baby in two trash cans.

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White babies

So there was this white guy, a black guy, a german guy and this jewish guy. They all had white wives and they all had white babies on the same day. The doctor forgets to tag them. The white guy says, "I can figure out who's baby is who's." So he goes into the nursery. He comes out. The black guy ask...

how do snowman make snow babies?

Snowballs.

Making Babies

A couple went to the hospital for their baby delivery. The wife was very sickly and fragile. The deliver had to be a Caesarean section. The husband was pacing the hallways while the wife was in surgery. The nurse finally came out of the delivery room with a little package wrapped in a blue blank...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Nigerian are in a maternity ward waiting room

A nurse comes in and says, "Gentlemen, I'm sorry, but there's been a mixup with the babies. Could you please help sort it out?"

She takes them to the nursery and shows two white babies and one black baby. The Englishman picks up the black baby and starts walking off. The Nigerian says, "What ...

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my wife asked me if I wish she had been born with big tits.

I told her that I find big tits on babies disturbing.

A woman seated while flying in economy and holding her baby in her arms, was startled when the man sitting behind her bent forward to say "Ma'am that is one ugly baby you have there!"

The woman, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, was so shocked she could barely retort "Well I ... I never!"

The man continued: "I'm just being honest with you ma'am, I mean, I've seen some ugly babies in my time, but yours is a real showstopper".

Quite overwhelmed, the woman called a fligh...

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Ethiopian all sit in the hospital lobby as their wives are giving birth.

After a while the doctor comes out, invites them into the nursery where 3 babies lie in cribs and says: "Congratulation! You all just became fathers! But there is one problem. Due to a nurse's error the babies got mixed up and we don't really know which one who's."

The Englishman suddenly gra...

What's the difference between babies and sand?

You can't move sand with a pitchfork.

[I apologize if this violates rules][NSFW/NSFL] how many babies does it take to paint a barn?

Depends on how hard you throw

4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

Man, I hate babies.

A single mother wakes up from a coma after giving birth to twins...

She asks the doctor "Where are my babies? I want to see my babies!"

The doctor says "Not to worry, your babies are safe and at home with your brother. You had two healthy babies, one boy, and one girl, but unfortunately I do have some bad news."

Immediately thinking the worst, the moth...

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Donald Trump, a Black man and a Jew are sitting in a hospital...

their wives all gave birth to healthy babies around the same time and are now resting. The three men are sitting in a room nearby when a nurse comes in and tells them there has been a mix-up, a nurse forgot to put identifying bracelets on the babies before taking them for a medical exam and now they...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why planes don't have babies?

A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Singapore Airlines from Singapore to New York.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes???? '

The mother (who could...

My son rushed into my room and asked me, "DADDY! WHERE DO BABIES COME FROM?"

me, being the good father I am, simply replied: "son, you're 40 years old. how do you not know this already? get a job already."

Gotta hand it to babies...

...because their short, stupid little arms can't reach anything

In what state are babies less annoying?

Liquid

Do storks deliver babies?

An OB/GYN walks into a bar and orders a beer. "So do all those storks delivering babies cut into your business?" the bartender jokes. "That, of course, is a complete myth," the stuffy OB/GYN huffs. "The only thing storks and obstetricians have in common is a large bill."

Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other,

"Are you a little girl or a little boy?"

"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.

"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby. "I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.

"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every day we have hundreds of people coming into this country with no skill, no grasp of the language and a total drain on our resources...

Babies are fucking useless.

What's the difference between explaining to your kids how babies are made and explaining to your kids that you're getting a divorce?

One story starts with "Sometimes, when two people love each other *very much*..."

and the other story starts with "sometimes, when two people don't love each other very much..."

Storks bring babies, but do you know what type of birds prevent babies?

Swallows...

Why won't republicans impeach Trump?

Because they insist on carrying babies to full term.

OP is here, I heard this from a friend at work:

[https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/search?q=Because%20they%20insist%20on%20carrying%20babies%20to%20full%20term.&restrict\_sr=1&type=link](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/search?q=B...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three babies

So there's three babies in the womb. At some point Baby 1 asks a question


Baby 1: So what are you guys going to do when you get out of here? I'm going to be a plumber to fix the plumbing of this place because there's water everywhere!


Baby 2: Well I will become an electrici...

Baby Confusion

An English, a Pakistani, and an Irish couple all simultaneously arrive at a hospital, all of the wives in the couple going into labour at approximately the same time. All of the babies were delivered healthily after fairly routine births but unfortunately, after placing the babies in their cradles, ...

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