What do you call it when you say hi to a puppy in German?

"Guten-Dog!"

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Training A Puppy

We brought home a new puppy on October 29. I told the family that the puppy has to be trained in one month. I said the family rule starting November 29 is that any piss or shit on the floor means a night outside.

Sure enough, I came home last night and found piss and shit on the floor. I knew...

What does a near-sighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? NSFW

A wet nose.

A fortune teller told me that, in 12 years time, I'd suffer terrible heartbreak.

So, to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy.

I bought a new puppy for my daughter today!

A pretty fair trade, in my opinion. :D

Don’t adopt a puppy to see if you’re ready for kids

Adopt a homeless guy with diarrhea & a bunch of stories that don’t go anywhere.

I took my new puppy for it's first shots today, but the poor thing threw up everywhere.

I probably should have started him on something weaker than sambuca

I bought a new puppy for my son (3)

Now he doesnt have to wait alone in the hot car

My horoscope said that i was going to get my heart broken in 12 year time.

So i bought a puppy to cheer myself up.

A good book is a lot like a cute puppy.

Easy to pick up, hard to put down.

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I bought my nephew a puppy.

But it was hit by a car and died, so now I'm stuck with a fucking puppy.

What’s the difference between a Karen and a puppy?

Eventually, the puppy will grow up and not whine as much.

I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas...

FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy...

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I just adopted a new puppy. I love him and he's great but I hate driving with him in the car.

Its so fuckin hard to find a barking spot.

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A daddy dog was taking his puppy for a walk in the neighborhood.

As they came upon an empty tin can he said to his son: "While we are taking our stroll I will teach you three lessons, this is the first one, so watch carefully." And he went to the tin can and licked it clean on the inside.

They went on, on the other side of the road there came a lady dog, l...

My friend made a puppy out of glue!

I thought it was cool until it bit a mailman. He’s a viscous dog.

3 pregnant women are having lunch together when an elderly lady approaches them.........

The elderly lady says: I can predict if you will have a boy or girl......

The Brunette says OK.....Will I have a boy or girl?????

The lady says...You were on top...you will have a boy....

The Brunette yells out.....I was on top and I am having a boy.

The elderly lady goes...

Why did the German soldier help the wounded puppy?

Because he was a veteran Aryan

Our son want a puppy for Christmas

We usually have turkey, but if that can make him happy...

She wanted a puppy. I didn't want a puppy. So we compromised.

Got the puppy.

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I loaned a guy 50 bucks and he gave me a puppy today.

Paybacks a bitch.

What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?

Eventually the puppy stops whining.

What baby?

Teacher: what is small, beautiful, full of life, has 2 eyes, 1 nose, 2 ears, and crawls sometimes?

Me: a puppy

Teacher: it only has 2 legs

Me: a 2 legged puppy

I bought my son a puppy for his birthday, but I accidentally backed over him in the driveway and killed him...

Sure is gonna be tough raising this puppy without him.

My new puppy just bit the neighbors kid so we had to have it killed

He was going to tell his parents

how do you cheer up a puppy that's lost its tail?

retail therapy!

A touching story: A little boy saw a puppy.

He went near it and touched it. Again he touched it. Again he touched it. Oh! What a touching story

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A German Tourist jumps into a freezing Lake to save a little puppy

he climbs out and hands the owner the dog and says :"here is ze dog, keep him warm and dry him off he vill be fine."

the owner asks :"are you a vet?"

"Vet?? I'm fucking soaking!"

When Christmas was coming up, my kids asked for a puppy. When I got them one, they cried for days...

I'll just get a turkey next year like normal.

Recently, my Shiba puppy has become so good at playing dead . . .

I actually bereaved him for a minute.

The Dog Fight

The Israeli Dog vs. The Arab Dog

  
The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world. So they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath. This "duel" would be a dog fi...

Mommy, buy this puppy, please, buy it!

"No"
"Look at how cute the puppy is!"

"No Isaac, I will not buy any puppy"

"Please mother, buy the puppy, pleaaaase..."

"I said no! Isaac, sell the puppy to someone else!"

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Little Johnny

Little Johnny and his dad are going for a walk in the park where they see two dogs humping.

Johnny asks “Dad what are those dogs doing?”

The dad gets flustered and says “They are making a puppy”

Later that night Johnny hears strange noises coming from his parents room. When he ...

I get to open the time capsule I buried as a child tomorrow!

I can’t wait to see how big my puppy has gotten!

Two priests are walking on the beach

They come across a little puppy licking its balls. They stand around for a few minutes watching in fascination. One priest turns to the other and says, “damn, I wish I could do that.”

The other priest thinks about it for a second. “Nah,” he says. “The dog will bite you.”

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Dad says anything

While out for a walk with my puppy on the community trail along the river this morning, I -a dad- came across an elderly gentleman who seemed inclined to give me an impromptu lecture on the etiquette of keeping dogs on leashes, as well as a short soliloquy on municipal governance bylaws and the vari...

What did the puppy say to the skeleton

Cmon, throw a dog a bone

A lady is concerned her new puppy dog is deaf

The dog doesn’t seem to hear her trying to call it at all, so she decides to take the puppy to see the vet. The vet says “well sometimes these schnauzers grow to much hair in their ears and can’t hear very well”. The vet checks the puppy’s ears, and sure enough they are overgrown with hair. The vet ...

My kids just got a puppy that is scared of every appliance in the house, but one in particular. I suggested they name it “Nature.”

Because nature abhors a vacuum.

The Puppy

A little boy and his father were driving down the road one day when the little boy saw two dogs mating. He asked his father what they were doing the father replied “They are making a puppy.”
A few days later, the little boy walked in on his parents mid-missionary. He once again asked his dad what...

Two blondes were walking in the park. One blonde says, "Aw! Look at that puppy with only one eye!"

So the other blonde covers an eye with her hand and says, "Where?"

A woman had a 100 children.

She didn't have the creativity to give them unique names so she named each of them a number from 1-100. The first child was named 'One', second was named 'Two' and so on.

But in a tragic accident 99 children died. Only the one named Ninety survived. Ninety eventually grew up and lived a whole...

A Chinese kid begs her mother: "Mom I want a puppy!"

Mom checks the oven and replies: "It's not done yet."

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and

said, "I bet it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She

held it up, shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is!...

I just bought a Dalmatian puppy...

And I've found out that if you join all the dots together with a marker pen...

It doesn't wash off...

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I heard you got a new puppy

Woman: I heard you got a new puppy!

Child: Yeah, but all it does it eat newspaper and poop newspaper.

Woman: Oh, uh... well, what color is it?

Child: Brown, with black spots... and little flecks of newspaper.

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What's another name for a male puppy?

A son of a bitch

My wife slapped me when I told her I'm buying her a puppy for Christmas.

I thought she'd be excited to hear that she's getting a little husky...

The psychiatrist asks the patient, "So what seems to be the problem?"

"Well Doc, for a long time now, I've believed that I'm really a dog!"

"And how long have you felt this way?", asks the shrink.

"Ever since I was a puppy."


(Apols if its a repost, it is very old. I first heard it in my kennel)

The King and Queen get a Puppy

After the whole donkey episode, the King and Queen decide to stick to dogs, and get a dachshund. Barely a month old, the puppy was given to the couple after being abandoned by its mother, the only one of the litter to survive.

Night after night, the court physicians and veterinarians watched ...

Real - Trying to teach my puppy basic commands and turn to reddit for help...

"Obedience Training" and "Training your dog to come on command" are NSFW topics.

I bought my wife a new puppy for Valentine's Day! She's such a beautiful dog! Unfortunately, I forgot my wife is allergic to dogs... so I have to find her a new home. Can anybody help me out?

She's 5'5", 125lbs, and blonde. Free to good home.

My girlfriend said she wanted a puppy for her birthday so I got her one.

The next morning she saw me loading it into the back of my car and said, "Hey. Where are you going?"

I said, "I'm sending him back."

"Sending him back!" she yelled. "Why?"

I said, "It's not your birthday any more."

Finally bought a puppy for the wife and I, but it turns out my wife's allergic to dogs, so we had to get rid of her.

The dog and I live happily together now.

My daughter told me she wanted a puppy for Christmas...

I told her "you're eating turkey like everyone else".

If I had a puppy I'd name it comma.

Why? Because of its small pause.

A man has been robbed so he goes to the pet store to get a guard dog.

When he gets to the pet store he explains what he wants to the owner.

Owner: wait here for me. I’ve exactly what you’re looking for!

The man waits and a few minutes later the owner returns with an adorable puppy.

Man: I don’t think you understood, I want a dog that can protect m...

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I found out that a girl who I thought disliked me actually thinks I'm super cute, like a puppy.

Her exact words were "You little son of a bitch"

Did you hear about the guy whose vocal cords were damaged in an accident, so they had to do a transplant from a puppy?

He's doing okay but his voice is a little husky now.

At Christmas we all deserve to be happy, so I got a puppy for my wife...

... it was a good trade

When Gordon Ramsay saw a cute puppy gif on Reddit, why did he get mad?

Because it was /r/aww

A man bought a bar

A couple years after running the place by himself, he noticed a stray puppy living in the alley behind it. He took the dog in and they became inseparable.

He named the dog Blackie and brought her to work with him every day. He taught her some bar tricks that the customers absolutely loved, e...

What do you call a puppy that is on the fatter side?

A little husky.

I always wanted a puppy when I was young...

But we were starving, really anything with meat on it would have been fine

A father and young son are out for a walk...

About a block from their house, the pair spot a pair of stray dogs humping furiously in an empty lot.

"Ewww! Daddy, what are they doing?!?!"

"Um...well, Son. They're making puppies...."

The boy watched the dogs as they passed by, totally confused by what he was seeing.

La...

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My neighbor, an elderly prostitute, adopted a puppy

and asked me if I could help train it.

I told her "No sorry, you can't teach an old trick's new dog."

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