Recently, my Shiba puppy has become so good at playing dead . . .

I actually bereaved him for a minute.

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I loaned a guy 50 bucks and he gave me a puppy today.

Paybacks a bitch.

A woman had a 100 children.

She didn't have the creativity to give them unique names so she named each of them a number from 1-100. The first child was named 'One', second was named 'Two' and so on.

But in a tragic accident 99 children died. Only the one named Ninety survived. Ninety eventually grew up and lived a whole...

What do a puppy and a near-sighted gynecologist have in common?

A wet nose.

I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas...

FML, now I'm stuck taking care of the puppy.

The Puppy

A little boy and his father were driving down the road one day when the little boy saw two dogs mating. He asked his father what they were doing the father replied “They are making a puppy.”
A few days later, the little boy walked in on his parents mid-missionary. He once again asked his dad what...

My kids wants to have a puppy for Christmas...

I usually prepare them Turkey... But the choice is theirs...

What did the puppy say to the skeleton

Cmon, throw a dog a bone

A Chinese kid begs her mother: "Mom I want a puppy!"

Mom checks the oven and replies: "It's not done yet."

A father and son were at the park

The son saw two dogs in top of each other. The son asked his father what they were doing and said "that's how puppys are made".

The next day at home the son walks into his parents bedroom and sees his dad on top of his mum. He stops for a sec and askes what they are doing and his dad said "th...

My new puppy just bit the neighbors kid so we had to have it killed

He was going to tell his parents

Two blondes were walking in the park. One blonde says, "Aw! Look at that puppy with only one eye!"

So the other blonde covers an eye with her hand and says, "Where?"

My kids just got a puppy that is scared of every appliance in the house, but one in particular. I suggested they name it “Nature.”

Because nature abhors a vacuum.

I bought my son a puppy for his birthday, but I accidentally backed over him in the driveway and killed him...

Sure is gonna be tough raising this puppy without him.

A man bought a bar

A couple years after running the place by himself, he noticed a stray puppy living in the alley behind it. He took the dog in and they became inseparable.

He named the dog Blackie and brought her to work with him every day. He taught her some bar tricks that the customers absolutely loved, e...

When Christmas was coming up, my kids asked for a puppy. When I got them one, they cried for days...

I'll just get a turkey next year like normal.

When I got my science degree I got a puppy

because every scientist needs a lab.

A lady is concerned her new puppy dog is deaf

The dog doesn’t seem to hear her trying to call it at all, so she decides to take the puppy to see the vet. The vet says “well sometimes these schnauzers grow to much hair in their ears and can’t hear very well”. The vet checks the puppy’s ears, and sure enough they are overgrown with hair. The vet ...

Why do dogs chew on shoes?

Because they have they have a taste for fashion!

(Courtesy of my 9 year old after our new puppy chewed on my wife's expensive shoes)

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What's another name for a male puppy?

A son of a bitch

What does a puppy call it’s dad?

Pawpaw!

Real - Trying to teach my puppy basic commands and turn to reddit for help...

"Obedience Training" and "Training your dog to come on command" are NSFW topics.

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I heard you got a new puppy

Woman: I heard you got a new puppy!

Child: Yeah, but all it does it eat newspaper and poop newspaper.

Woman: Oh, uh... well, what color is it?

Child: Brown, with black spots... and little flecks of newspaper.

The King and Queen get a Puppy

After the whole donkey episode, the King and Queen decide to stick to dogs, and get a dachshund. Barely a month old, the puppy was given to the couple after being abandoned by its mother, the only one of the litter to survive.

Night after night, the court physicians and veterinarians watched ...

Did you hear about the guy whose vocal cords were damaged in an accident, so they had to do a transplant from a puppy?

He's doing okay but his voice is a little husky now.

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Little Johnny won’t quit swearing. NSFW

My dad told me this joke many many years ago. It is by far my favorite little Johnny joke. I’ve searched the archives of Reddit and haven’t seen it posted before so here goes:

Little Johnny’s parents were having problems with him swearing and couldn’t get him to stop, so his dad goes to a psy...

My wife slapped me when I told her I'm buying her a puppy for Christmas.

I thought she'd be excited to hear that she's getting a little husky...

Today is going to be an exciting day for me, we are going to find the time capsule i buried when I was a kid

I Can't wait to see how big my puppy has got

I always wanted a puppy when I was young...

But we were starving, really anything with meat on it would have been fine

I just bought a Dalmatian puppy...

And I've found out that if you join all the dots together with a marker pen...

It doesn't wash off...

My girlfriend said she wanted a puppy for her birthday so I got her one.

The next morning she saw me loading it into the back of my car and said, "Hey. Where are you going?"

I said, "I'm sending him back."

"Sending him back!" she yelled. "Why?"

I said, "It's not your birthday any more."

A good book is like a puppy

Easy to pick up, hard to put down

If I had a puppy I'd name it comma.

Why? Because of its small pause.

One Jamaican walks up to another Jamaican in the park.

'Aright man, nice puppy ya gat there,' said the first Jamaican. 'What's it breed?'

The second Jamaican replied, 'Dis ting breed air like all da other puppies, man.'

My daughter told me she wanted a puppy for Christmas...

I told her "you're eating turkey like everyone else".

At Christmas we all deserve to be happy, so I got a puppy for my wife...

... it was a good trade

What do you call a puppy that is on the fatter side?

A little husky.

A Boy and his Father were out on a walk...

On their walk the two encountered a pair of doggies in an act of doggie passion in the middle of one of the neighbors lawns.
"Ewww...WHAT are they doing, Daddy?!?"
"Well son, um, I guess you could say that they are making puppies."
The father grabbed the boy's hand, and they continued...

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I found out that a girl who I thought disliked me actually thinks I'm super cute, like a puppy.

Her exact words were "You little son of a bitch"

On her deathbed my wife said, "Sweety, I will see you in Heaven."

Since then I have kicked a puppy, stole from 4 shops and set fire to an
orphanage!

What do you get by crossing a baby with a puppy?

Jail time.

My daughter asked for a puppy again this year

I reiterated a turkey would taste much better

What do you call a loud, yet obedient, puppy?

A small subwoofer.

A woman once gave birth to 100 children

To avoid confusion, she simply named them after the number of their conception. Unfortunately all of them except for #90 died at a very young age.

90 was a little girl who grew up to be a great woman. She married at a young age and gave birth to two children, a daughter and a son. Unlike her ...

I bought my wife a new puppy for Valentine's Day! She's such a beautiful dog! Unfortunately, I forgot my wife is allergic to dogs... so I have to find her a new home. Can anybody help me out?

She's 5'5", 125lbs, and blonde. Free to good home.

Finally bought a puppy for the wife and I, but it turns out my wife's allergic to dogs, so we had to get rid of her.

The dog and I live happily together now.

What kind of dog does not bark?

A hush puppy!!

Two guys were talking about pets

"Yeah, so I have a couple of cats and a chihuahua. What about you, Flynn?"

Flynn looked at the man with a look of both pain and peace. "Well, Danny... I had a dog once."

Daniel sympathetically responded. "What happened?"

Flynn let out a quiet sigh. "It's a long story."

Da...

When Gordon Ramsay saw a cute puppy gif on Reddit, why did he get mad?

Because it was /r/aww

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My neighbor, an elderly prostitute, adopted a puppy

and asked me if I could help train it.

I told her "No sorry, you can't teach an old trick's new dog."

Some employees bought their boss a gift for his birthday.

Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner.

Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, "A bottle of wine?"

His employees replied, "No."

Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid. "A bo...

When I was 5 years old my mom got me a puppy.

He was white with these little brown splotches all over him that reminded me of the coffee stains on the kitchen table, and so the obvious name for the dog, in my young and simple mind, was Stains.
My mother quickly grew to despise this name, as the dog had a tendency to bolt out of the door and ...

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They're having sex

Little Jhonny and his mama and papa lived in a one bedroom apartment with a balcony. Now with little Johnny being little the parents would send him out into the balcony whenever they wanted to get frisky, to make it seem routine they'd ask him what he saw when he was out. So one Saturday afternoon h...

My sister got upset that I washed our puppy with my own, human shampoo.

I reassured her it had already been tested on dogs.

When my wife came home with a puppy, I knew better than to question her.

She's the chef, after all.

What do you call an epileptic puppy?

Kibbles 'n Fits.

I just went up into the loft to fetch the last of the Christmas presents down and realised I’d left a present I bought for my wife up there from last year, totally forgot about it...

It’s a real shame, she’d have loved that puppy.

What do you call it when a puppy and a speaker have a baby?

A sub woofer

My new puppy is an excellent blacksmith...

...every time I yell he makes a bolt for the door!

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Just bros being bros...

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are sitting in a park, when suddenly they see a cat passing by.

Zoophile: "Let's fuck the cat."

Sadist: "Let's fuck the cat and then torture it!"

Murderer: "Let's fuck the cat, torture it and then kill ...

In a far away place... In a small rural town...

There was a boy named john. John didn’t have many friends growing up as he preferred to keep to himself. Johns family were farmers through and through, his favourite thing to do was to drive their tractor around and around the farm, john always adored tractors, the big back wheels and the small fron...

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