UPJOKE
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My Wife Just Brought Home a New Puppy so She's Taking Some Time Off Work

For *mutt*ernity leave.

I find it creepy when my wife gives me those sad puppy dog eyes

It makes me wonder what she did the rest of the dog.

I bought my son a puppy for his birthday, but I accidentally killed him as I backed my car out of the drive.

I guess, I'll have to look after the puppy myself now.

A fortune teller told me that...

... in 12 years time, I’d suffer terrible heartbreak. So, to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy.

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Make more puppies!

Little boy and dad are walking down the street. See 2 dogs fucking.
Kid: what's happening?
Dad: they are making puppies!

Later that night, kid can't sleep. Hears noises from parents' bed room, goes to investigate.

Dad is on top of mom, both naked, grunting.

Kid is shocke...

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My dog gave birth to a very rude little puppy.

He's been a son of a bitch since the day he was born.

Our new puppy is still learning how to bark..

All he can come up with now are ruff drafts !

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what a puppy say to his brother?

you son of a bitch

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?

A wet nose.

A fortune-teller told me that in 10-15 years, I would suffer the most terrible heartbreak any man has ever faced. I was so upset over learning this.

I decided to cheer myself up -- I adopted a puppy, and I've never been happier!

Good book is like a good puppy

A good book is like a good puppy, easy to pick up but hard to put down

My friend commented on my daughter's weight recently, I told him it's mostly puppy fat.

We should stop buying her pets, kid's a f\*cking pyscho.

What’s the difference between the people who complain about the jokes here and a puppy?

Eventually, the puppy will grow up and not whine as much.

On her death bed, my wife said, "Sweety! I'll see you in Heaven."

Since then, I've kicked a puppy, stole from 4 shops and set fire to an orphanage.

What is the difference between a critic and a puppy?

With time, training and patience, it is possible to make a puppy stop whining.

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I bought my nephew a puppy.

But it was hit by a car and died, so now I'm stuck with a fucking puppy.

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What do you get when you mix poop, a parrot, and a newborn puppy?

A shit-talking son of a bitch.

I had to call it quits

I tried adopting a puppy, but it was so hard, I had to call it quits.



Anyways, so this is my puppy, Quits.

Based on where it grows, What do you call Red Ferns?

Puppy Trees!!

I'm finally going to dig up my childhood time capsule...

I can't wait to see how big my puppy's gotten!

I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas...

FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy.

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I've been looking for a puppy for my kids. We've looked at havapoos, cockapoos, multipoos, yorkipoos, pomapoos, and shihpoos.

We can't find a doesn't poo.

Don’t adopt a puppy to see if you’re ready for kids

Adopt a homeless guy with diarrhea & a bunch of stories that don’t go anywhere.

My kids want a puppy for Christmas

I mean, I normally do a ham, but they seem pretty adamant so we will see how it goes!

What do you call it when you say hi to a puppy in German?

"Guten-Dog!"

I lost track of our Dalmation Puppy

Luckily, she was spotted

Teacher Gifts

It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she...

A lady gets into a taxi with a lapdog in her arms...

A lady gets into a taxi with a lapdog in her arms, whispers an address to the driver, and off they go...

The taxi driver sees something in the rear-view mirror that startles him.
"Ma'am, something's wrong with your puppy, isn't it?", to which the lady replies.
"It doesn't have l...

I'm getting a new puppy in a few days.

Gonna name him after the Roman God Stimulus.

the puppy test

Before you get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wee...

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Training A Puppy

We brought home a new puppy on October 29. I told the family that the puppy has to be trained in one month. I said the family rule starting November 29 is that any piss or shit on the floor means a night outside.

Sure enough, I came home last night and found piss and shit on the floor. I knew...

I bought a new puppy for my daughter today!

A pretty fair trade, in my opinion. :D

If you got your new puppy after quarantine started last year...

...can you call it a Quar'n Dog?

When Christmas was coming up, my kids asked for a puppy. When I got them one, they cried for days...

I'll just get a turkey next year like normal.

At school the teacher tells the students:

- Children, you have to write an essay that ends with the sentence "Mother, there is only one".

One child presents his essay about the time his mother saved his puppy from being run over and killed: "And that's why I say that mother, there is only one".

Another child presents his essay...

I made a discord account for my puppy

So he gets groomed for free

My new puppy just bit the neighbors kid so we had to have it killed

He was going to tell his parents

Mans best friend

I was having troubles with my girlfriend.

We were always arguing, usually about my behaviour or my friends circle; mostly about nothing in my eyes.

One day she said why don't we get a dog. Great idea! We got a puppy and we went for a long drive into the country side.

When we got...

What did the ear of corn say to the cute puppy?

Aww Shucks

A lady is concerned her new puppy dog is deaf

The dog doesn’t seem to hear her trying to call it at all, so she decides to take the puppy to see the vet. The vet says “well sometimes these schnauzers grow to much hair in their ears and can’t hear very well”. The vet checks the puppy’s ears, and sure enough they are overgrown with hair. The vet ...

So a puppy

Walks into a bar, looks around and says
" I'm lookin for tha man who shot my paw!"

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My son's been really worried about his puppy's upset stomach, so in the night I let him into the garden for a shit.

"Why can't I just use the toilet?" he always asks.

Doberman

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err,which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter? "A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, lo...

My puppy got mad when I was posting on twitter

Turns out he isn't a fan of tweeters. He much prefers subwoofers.

My friend made a puppy out of glue!

I thought it was cool until it bit a mailman. He’s a viscous dog.

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A daddy dog was taking his puppy for a walk in the neighborhood.

As they came upon an empty tin can he said to his son: "While we are taking our stroll I will teach you three lessons, this is the first one, so watch carefully." And he went to the tin can and licked it clean on the inside.

They went on, on the other side of the road there came a lady dog, l...

I bought my wife a new puppy for Valentine's Day! She's such a beautiful dog! Unfortunately, I forgot my wife is allergic to dogs... so I have to find her a new home. Can anybody help me out?

She's 5'5", 125lbs, and blonde. Free to good home.

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There was once a woman who had a hundred children

She was a bit of an eccentric - you'd have to be to have a hundred kids after all. And so, she decided to give her children names after the order they were born in. So she had one, two, three, four, all the way through to hundred.

Her husband was eventually unable to keep up with the pressur...

Why did the German soldier help the wounded puppy?

Because he was a veteran Aryan

Jesus and his dog

When Jesus Christ was a very young boy of 8 or 9 years, he did all the things other boys of his age did. He played with his toys and ran with his friends. But like most little boys that age, he really wanted a puppy. He begged Joseph to let him have one but Joseph said he wasn't ready for the respon...

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The facts of life

A papa dog decided to day was the day to teach his son the facts of life. They started their day going for a walk and as they do papa dog comes across some trash cans so he turns to his son and tells him to pay attention as he knocks one down and starts eating from it. The papa dog tells his son "yo...

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I loaned a guy 50 bucks and he gave me a puppy today.

Paybacks a bitch.

I took my new puppy for it's first shots today, but the poor thing threw up everywhere.

I probably should have started him on something weaker than sambuca

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I just adopted a new puppy. I love him and he's great but I hate driving with him in the car.

Its so fuckin hard to find a barking spot.

What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?

Eventually the puppy stops whining.

I just bought a Dalmatian puppy...

And I've found out that if you join all the dots together with a marker pen...

It doesn't wash off...

What did the puppy say to the skeleton

Cmon, throw a dog a bone

Our son want a puppy for Christmas

We usually have turkey, but if that can make him happy...

Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a dog

'How long have you had these symptoms?'

'Ever since I was a puppy'

My wife slapped me when I told her I'm buying her a puppy for Christmas.

I thought she'd be excited to hear that she's getting a little husky...

how do you cheer up a puppy that's lost its tail?

retail therapy!

She wanted a puppy. I didn't want a puppy. So we compromised.

Got the puppy.

Recently, my Shiba puppy has become so good at playing dead . . .

I actually bereaved him for a minute.

My kids just got a puppy that is scared of every appliance in the house, but one in particular. I suggested they name it “Nature.”

Because nature abhors a vacuum.

Two blondes were walking in the park. One blonde says, "Aw! Look at that puppy with only one eye!"

So the other blonde covers an eye with her hand and says, "Where?"

My daughter told me she wanted a puppy for Christmas...

I told her "you're eating turkey like everyone else".

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A German Tourist jumps into a freezing Lake to save a little puppy

he climbs out and hands the owner the dog and says :"here is ze dog, keep him warm and dry him off he vill be fine."

the owner asks :"are you a vet?"

"Vet?? I'm fucking soaking!"

What did Superman say when he saw a puppy pointing in the direction he should fly?

A pup and a way!

When Gordon Ramsay saw a cute puppy gif on Reddit, why did he get mad?

Because it was /r/aww

Finally bought a puppy for the wife and I, but it turns out my wife's allergic to dogs, so we had to get rid of her.

The dog and I live happily together now.

My girlfriend said she wanted a puppy for her birthday so I got her one.

The next morning she saw me loading it into the back of my car and said, "Hey. Where are you going?"

I said, "I'm sending him back."

"Sending him back!" she yelled. "Why?"

I said, "It's not your birthday any more."

The Puppy

A little boy and his father were driving down the road one day when the little boy saw two dogs mating. He asked his father what they were doing the father replied “They are making a puppy.”
A few days later, the little boy walked in on his parents mid-missionary. He once again asked his dad what...

The King and Queen get a Puppy

After the whole donkey episode, the King and Queen decide to stick to dogs, and get a dachshund. Barely a month old, the puppy was given to the couple after being abandoned by its mother, the only one of the litter to survive.

Night after night, the court physicians and veterinarians watched ...

I got a purebred Beagle puppy for my wife

I thought it was an awesome trade.

If I had a puppy I'd name it comma.

Why? Because of its small pause.

I got a puppy for my daughter...

Good swap if you ask me.

One Jamaican strolls up to another Jamaican in the park.

'Aright man, nice puppy ya gat there,' said the first Jamaican. 'What's it breed?'

The second Jamaican replied, 'Dis ting breed air like all da other puppies, man.'

A Chinese kid begs her mother: "Mom I want a puppy!"

Mom checks the oven and replies: "It's not done yet."

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I found out that a girl who I thought disliked me actually thinks I'm super cute, like a puppy.

Her exact words were "You little son of a bitch"

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What's another name for a male puppy?

A son of a bitch

My 5 year old told me this joke: What do you call a puppy in the desert?

*A Hot Dog.*

Anyone else got some fun jokes your kids have told you?

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My neighbor, an elderly prostitute, adopted a puppy

and asked me if I could help train it.

I told her "No sorry, you can't teach an old trick's new dog."

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