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Puppy Jokes

What does a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?

Both have a wet nose.

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Make more puppies!

Little boy and dad are walking down the street. See 2 dogs fucking.
Kid: what's happening?
Dad: they are making puppies!

Later that night, kid can't sleep. Hears noises from parents' bed room, goes to investigate.

Dad is on top of mom, both naked, grunting.

Kid is shocke...

I bought my son a puppy for his birthday, but I accidentally backed over him in the driveway and killed him...

Sure is gonna be tough raising this puppy without him.

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I bought my nephew a puppy.

But it was hit by a car and died, so now I'm stuck with a fucking puppy.

My wife insisted in getting a puppy and I insisted we did not! So, we compromised...

Got the puppy.

A fortune teller told me that, in 12 years time, I'd suffer terrible heartbreak.

So, to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy.

A fortune-teller told me that in 10-15 years, I would suffer the most terrible heartbreak any man has ever faced. I was so upset over learning this.

I decided to cheer myself up -- I adopted a puppy, and I've never been happier!

When Christmas was coming up, my kids asked for a puppy. When I got them one, they cried for days...

I'll just get a turkey next year like normal.

My new puppy just bit the neighbors kid so we had to have it killed

He was going to tell his parents

Good book is like a good puppy

A good book is like a good puppy, easy to pick up but hard to put down

Our new puppy is still learning how to bark..

All he can come up with now are ruff drafts !

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what a puppy say to his brother?

you son of a bitch

Tomorrow I am going to open the time capsule I buried as a kid.

I can't wait to see how big my puppy got

On her death bed, my wife said, "Sweety! I'll see you in Heaven."

Since then, I've kicked a puppy, stole from 4 shops and set fire to an orphanage.

the puppy test

Before you get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wee...

My kids want a puppy for Christmas

I mean, I normally do a ham, but they seem pretty adamant so we will see how it goes!

I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas...

FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy.

My kids said they wanted a puppy for Christmas

I'd have opted for ham myself, but anything for the kids I guess.

The baker’s new puppy cost a lot of dough.

He was a pure bread.

I got a puppy for my daughter...

Good swap if you ask me.

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Training A Puppy

We brought home a new puppy on October 29. I told the family that the puppy has to be trained in one month. I said the family rule starting November 29 is that any piss or shit on the floor means a night outside.

Sure enough, I came home last night and found piss and shit on the floor. I knew...

Don’t adopt a puppy to see if you’re ready for kids

Adopt a homeless guy with diarrhea & a bunch of stories that don’t go anywhere.

Why was it so hard for the Malamute puppy to find clothes in his size?

Because he was a little Husky.

A woman once gave birth to 100 children

To avoid confusion, she simply named them after the number of their conception. Unfortunately all of them except for #90 died at a very young age.

90 was a little girl who grew up to be a great woman. She married at a young age and gave birth to two children, a daughter and a son. Unlike her ...

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My dog gave birth to a very rude little puppy.

He's been a son of a bitch since the day he was born.

I lost track of our Dalmation Puppy

Luckily, she was spotted

My friend commented on my daughter's weight recently, I told him it's mostly puppy fat.

We should stop buying her pets, kid's a f\*cking pyscho.

The Puppy

A little boy and his father were driving down the road one day when the little boy saw two dogs mating. He asked his father what they were doing the father replied “They are making a puppy.”
A few days later, the little boy walked in on his parents mid-missionary. He once again asked his dad what...

A lady is concerned her new puppy dog is deaf

The dog doesn’t seem to hear her trying to call it at all, so she decides to take the puppy to see the vet. The vet says “well sometimes these schnauzers grow to much hair in their ears and can’t hear very well”. The vet checks the puppy’s ears, and sure enough they are overgrown with hair. The vet ...

Did you hear that the televangelist got himself a puppy?

He taught it how to beg and heal.

What is the difference between a critic and a puppy?

With time, training and patience, it is possible to make a puppy stop whining.

What’s the difference between the people who complain about the jokes here and a puppy?

Eventually, the puppy will grow up and not whine as much.

I just bought a Dalmatian puppy...

And I've found out that if you join all the dots together with a marker pen...

It doesn't wash off...

I find it creepy when my wife gives me those sad puppy dog eyes

It makes me wonder what she did the rest of the dog.

I got a purebred Beagle puppy for my wife

I thought it was an awesome trade.

I'm getting a new puppy in a few days.

Gonna name him after the Roman God Stimulus.

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son handed the teacher a gift.

She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift.

She held it up, shook it and said. "...

The fortune teller told me I’d lose one of my closest friends in 13-14 years.

To cope with this news, I bought a puppy.

I bought a new puppy for my daughter today!

A pretty fair trade, in my opinion. :D

A tired u.s. army veteran is looking for a seat on a busy British train.

He can’t find a seat so he walks up to a British lady and asked “ma’am may I use your seat?”The British lady responded with “can’t you see my puppy is sitting here? How rude are you Americans are.” The army and walks off and tries to find another seat after a couple minutes of searching he walks bac...

Why did the German soldier help the wounded puppy?

Because he was a veteran Aryan

What do you call it when you say hi to a puppy in German?

"Guten-Dog!"

What did the puppy say to the skeleton

Cmon, throw a dog a bone

If you got your new puppy after quarantine started last year...

...can you call it a Quar'n Dog?

My wife slapped me when I told her I'm buying her a puppy for Christmas.

I thought she'd be excited to hear that she's getting a little husky...

My puppy got mad when I was posting on twitter

Turns out he isn't a fan of tweeters. He much prefers subwoofers.

What did the ear of corn say to the cute puppy?

Aww Shucks

What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?

Eventually the puppy stops whining.

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I heard you got a new puppy

Woman: I heard you got a new puppy!

Child: Yeah, but all it does it eat newspaper and poop newspaper.

Woman: Oh, uh... well, what color is it?

Child: Brown, with black spots... and little flecks of newspaper.

My daughter told me she wanted a puppy for Christmas...

I told her "you're eating turkey like everyone else".

A woman had a 100 children.

She didn't have the creativity to give them unique names so she named each of them a number from 1-100. The first child was named 'One', second was named 'Two' and so on.

But in a tragic accident 99 children died. Only the one named Ninety survived. Ninety eventually grew up and lived a whole...

If I had a puppy I'd name it comma.

Why? Because of its small pause.

When Gordon Ramsay saw a cute puppy gif on Reddit, why did he get mad?

Because it was /r/aww

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I loaned a guy 50 bucks and he gave me a puppy today.

Paybacks a bitch.

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A daddy dog was taking his puppy for a walk in the neighborhood.

As they came upon an empty tin can he said to his son: "While we are taking our stroll I will teach you three lessons, this is the first one, so watch carefully." And he went to the tin can and licked it clean on the inside.

They went on, on the other side of the road there came a lady dog, l...

how do you cheer up a puppy that's lost its tail?

retail therapy!

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A German Tourist jumps into a freezing Lake to save a little puppy

he climbs out and hands the owner the dog and says :"here is ze dog, keep him warm and dry him off he vill be fine."

the owner asks :"are you a vet?"

"Vet?? I'm fucking soaking!"

The King and Queen get a Puppy

After the whole donkey episode, the King and Queen decide to stick to dogs, and get a dachshund. Barely a month old, the puppy was given to the couple after being abandoned by its mother, the only one of the litter to survive.

Night after night, the court physicians and veterinarians watched ...

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What's another name for a male puppy?

A son of a bitch

A Chinese kid begs her mother: "Mom I want a puppy!"

Mom checks the oven and replies: "It's not done yet."

My 5 year old told me this joke: What do you call a puppy in the desert?

*A Hot Dog.*

Anyone else got some fun jokes your kids have told you?

What do you call an epileptic puppy?

Kibbles 'n Fits.

My new puppy is an excellent blacksmith...

...every time I yell he makes a bolt for the door!

I took my new puppy for it's first shots today, but the poor thing threw up everywhere.

I probably should have started him on something weaker than sambuca

True story: Kitty cat had PUPPIES!

Recently attended my great aunts funeral. This was a beautiful story that accompanied.




My great aunt ran a beauty shop. One day, while tending to a female client in the beauty shop, her female client's highly acclaimed husband sat in a chair as company.

One of my young cous...

What do you call a loud, yet obedient, puppy?

A small subwoofer.

My daughter asked for a puppy again this year

I reiterated a turkey would taste much better

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The best part about Puppy Bowl?

Since all the puppies are already neutered, there's no worry about deflated balls giving one team an advantage...

Two blondes were walking in the park. One blonde says, "Aw! Look at that puppy with only one eye!"

So the other blonde covers an eye with her hand and says, "Where?"

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