What does a near sighted gynecologist and a new puppy have in common?

A wet nose!

Recently, my Shiba puppy has become so good at playing dead . . .

I actually bereaved him for a minute.

I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas...

FML, now I'm stuck taking care of the puppy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wanna name my puppy 'insane'...

...so when people ask 'are you fucking insane?' I can say 'no I'm fucking my sister'

My kids wants to have a puppy for Christmas...

I usually prepare them Turkey... But the choice is theirs...

On her deathbed my wife said, "Sweety, I will see you in Heaven."

Since then I have kicked a puppy, stole from 4 shops and set fire to an
orphanage!

What do you call a puppy playing in the snow?

A chili dog!

Two blondes were walking in the park. One blonde says, "Aw! Look at that puppy with only one eye!"

So the other blonde covers an eye with her hand and says, "Where?"

What did the puppy say to the skeleton

Cmon, throw a dog a bone

The Puppy

A little boy and his father were driving down the road one day when the little boy saw two dogs mating. He asked his father what they were doing the father replied “They are making a puppy.”
A few days later, the little boy walked in on his parents mid-missionary. He once again asked his dad what...

When I got my science degree I got a puppy

because every scientist needs a lab.

My new puppy just bit the neighbors kid so we had to have it killed

He was going to tell his parents

I bought my son a puppy for his birthday, but I accidentally backed over him in the driveway and killed him...

Sure is gonna be tough raising this puppy without him.

When Christmas was coming up, my kids asked for a puppy. When I got them one, they cried for days...

I'll just get a turkey next year like normal.

A Chinese kid begs her mother: "Mom I want a puppy!"

Mom checks the oven and replies: "It's not done yet."

A lady is concerned her new puppy dog is deaf

The dog doesn’t seem to hear her trying to call it at all, so she decides to take the puppy to see the vet. The vet says “well sometimes these schnauzers grow to much hair in their ears and can’t hear very well”. The vet checks the puppy’s ears, and sure enough they are overgrown with hair. The vet ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's another name for a male puppy?

A son of a bitch

Real - Trying to teach my puppy basic commands and turn to reddit for help...

"Obedience Training" and "Training your dog to come on command" are NSFW topics.

Today, I'm going to open up the time capsule I made when I was a kid...

I can't wait to see how big my puppy is now!!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard you got a new puppy

Woman: I heard you got a new puppy!

Child: Yeah, but all it does it eat newspaper and poop newspaper.

Woman: Oh, uh... well, what color is it?

Child: Brown, with black spots... and little flecks of newspaper.

A woman had a 100 children.

She didn't have the creativity to give them unique names so she named each of them a number from 1-100. The first child was named 'One', second was named 'Two' and so on.

But in a tragic accident 99 children died. Only the one named Ninety survived. Ninety eventually grew up and lived a whole...

The King and Queen get a Puppy

After the whole donkey episode, the King and Queen decide to stick to dogs, and get a dachshund. Barely a month old, the puppy was given to the couple after being abandoned by its mother, the only one of the litter to survive.

Night after night, the court physicians and veterinarians watched ...

If I had a dollar for every time I was distracted...

I wish I had a puppy

Did you hear about the guy whose vocal cords were damaged in an accident, so they had to do a transplant from a puppy?

He's doing okay but his voice is a little husky now.

I always wanted a puppy when I was young...

But we were starving, really anything with meat on it would have been fine

My girlfriend said she wanted a puppy for her birthday so I got her one.

The next morning she saw me loading it into the back of my car and said, "Hey. Where are you going?"

I said, "I'm sending him back."

"Sending him back!" she yelled. "Why?"

I said, "It's not your birthday any more."

A good book is like a puppy

Easy to pick up, hard to put down

My wife slapped me when I told her I'm buying her a puppy for Christmas.

I thought she'd be excited to hear that she's getting a little husky...

I just bought a Dalmatian puppy...

And I've found out that if you join all the dots together with a marker pen...

It doesn't wash off...

If I had a puppy I'd name it comma.

Why? Because of its small pause.

What do you call a puppy that is on the fatter side?

A little husky.

At Christmas we all deserve to be happy, so I got a puppy for my wife...

... it was a good trade

What do you get by crossing a baby with a puppy?

Jail time.

My daughter told me she wanted a puppy for Christmas...

I told her "you're eating turkey like everyone else".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I found out that a girl who I thought disliked me actually thinks I'm super cute, like a puppy.

Her exact words were "You little son of a bitch"

I bought my wife a new puppy for Valentine's Day! She's such a beautiful dog! Unfortunately, I forgot my wife is allergic to dogs... so I have to find her a new home. Can anybody help me out?

She's 5'5", 125lbs, and blonde. Free to good home.

Finally bought a puppy for the wife and I, but it turns out my wife's allergic to dogs, so we had to get rid of her.

The dog and I live happily together now.

Kids bring gifts to the teacher on the last day of school

The florist's son buys a nice bouquet, the confectioner's daughter gets a cake, and the son of the liquor store owner brings a big box, nicely wrapped.

The teacher lifts the box and sees that it's slightly leaking. She humorously tastes a drop and asks:

'Is it wine?'

'Nope,' ans...

A father and son were at the park

The son saw two dogs in top of each other. The son asked his father what they were doing and said "that's how puppys are made".

The next day at home the son walks into his parents bedroom and sees his dad on top of his mum. He stops for a sec and askes what they are doing and his dad said "th...

What do you call a loud, yet obedient, puppy?

A small subwoofer.

Why do dogs chew on shoes?

Because they have they have a taste for fashion!

(Courtesy of my 9 year old after our new puppy chewed on my wife's expensive shoes)

When Gordon Ramsay saw a cute puppy gif on Reddit, why did he get mad?

Because it was /r/aww

My daughter asked for a puppy again this year

I reiterated a turkey would taste much better

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My neighbor, an elderly prostitute, adopted a puppy

and asked me if I could help train it.

I told her "No sorry, you can't teach an old trick's new dog."

When I was 5 years old my mom got me a puppy.

He was white with these little brown splotches all over him that reminded me of the coffee stains on the kitchen table, and so the obvious name for the dog, in my young and simple mind, was Stains.
My mother quickly grew to despise this name, as the dog had a tendency to bolt out of the door and ...

My sister got upset that I washed our puppy with my own, human shampoo.

I reassured her it had already been tested on dogs.

What do you call an epileptic puppy?

Kibbles 'n Fits.

When my wife came home with a puppy, I knew better than to question her.

She's the chef, after all.

What do you call it when a puppy and a speaker have a baby?

A sub woofer

My new puppy is an excellent blacksmith...

...every time I yell he makes a bolt for the door!

What's worse than a puppy nailed to a tree?

A puppy nailed to 7 trees.

True story: Kitty cat had PUPPIES!

Recently attended my great aunts funeral. This was a beautiful story that accompanied.




My great aunt ran a beauty shop. One day, while tending to a female client in the beauty shop, her female client's highly acclaimed husband sat in a chair as company.

One of my young cous...

My 5 year old told me this joke: What do you call a puppy in the desert?

*A Hot Dog.*

Anyone else got some fun jokes your kids have told you?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate double-standards; when my girlfriend puts on a pair of puppy-dog eyes, it's "cute", but when I do it...

Everyone is just "Oh god Mercury what the fuck did you do that puppy?!"

This guy told me he got a puppy for his wife...

...wish I could make a trade like that!

What's the difference between a singer-songwriter and a puppy?

A puppy eventually grows up and stops whining.

Thanks to PuddinHead742 for this one.

My friend said she was taking next week off to be with her new puppy.

I said, "You're taking mutt-ernity leave?"

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