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Kindergarten Jokes

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A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

“You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

“I went to visit my Nana.”

“No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people word...

A kindergarten teacher was observing the children while they drew.

She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s artwork.

As she got to Little Johnny who was working diligently, she asked what his drawing was.

Little Johnny replied, “I’m drawing God.”

The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”

Without m...

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son handed the teacher a gift.

She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift.

She held it up, shook it and said. "...

My wife said we could each have 3 hall passes. She picked Henry Cavil, Jason Momoa, and Matt Damon; but then she got mad at me for my picks...

Apparently her sister, our kids kindergarten teacher and and Kelsey in the marketing department were the wrong answers.

What's the difference between a Syrian kindergarten and an ISIS hospital?

I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator.

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A kindergarten student told his teacher he'd found a cat...

A kindergarten student told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her student. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?!?!" the teacher yelled in shock. "You know," explained the boy,...

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A kindergarten teacher is teaching her students about the five senses.

Today, she's demonstrating to the class the sense of taste. To do so, she unwraps a bunch of candies and has the students guess what flavor they are. The students are doing great at first. They correctly guess the flavor of every candy, until they get to a honey-flavored one. For several minutes, th...

A kindergarten class

had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down again. Puzzled, the teacher as...

Breaking News: Local Kindergarten reports major Peek-a-Boo accident.

All involved were rushed to the ICU

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A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely.” To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.

The first student raises his hand and says, “The sky is definitely blue.”

The teacher says, “Well, that isn’t entirely correct, because sometimes it’s gray and cloudy.”

Another student says, “Grass is definitely green.”
The teacher again replies, “If grass doesn’t get enough wate...

A girl come home from kindergarten and talks to mom:

\- Mommy, our teacher never saw a horse in her life!

\- Why do you say that, sweetie?

\- I drew a horse in class, and she didn't know what it is.

A teacher asked her kindergartens...

Who the most important person in history is and whoever gets it right gets 5 dollars, one of the kids yells, "Abe Lincoln." The teacher smiles and shakes her head no, another kid yells, "George Washington." Again, the teacher shakes her head. The class becomes quiet as they all begin to think before...

Mrs Laura a kindergarten teacher asked her class "what things we can eat?" "Bread" "Yes" "Hamburger" "Ok"

A girl answered "Light",
"Omg" shouted the teacher, "how can light be eaten?"
"Last night I heared mom whispering to dad 'turn the light off and put it in my mouth'".

Blackbeard the pirate sends his son BB Junior to kindergarten

As its the first day, the teachers want to gauge how smart each child is.

"who can sing the Alphabet" enquires the teacher

'Y'arrrr I can" says BB Junior

"Ok BB, go ahead" the teacher encourages

BB stands up full of confidence
"A B C C C C C C C D E F..."

"Stop...

My kindergarten daughter asked me a question,

so I answered her back In confidence with the correct answer. She asked me “how I knew that”, so I answered her that “I knew everything.” This infuriated my daughter and she told me there were people out there that knew more than me. I was shocked and told her “I didn’t know anyone smarter than m...

Kindergarten Blonde

A blond girl comes home from her first day of kindergarten and says "most of the kids can count to 10, but I can count to 20. Is that because I'm a blond?"

Her mom says"yes dear, it's because you're a blond."

The next day the girl comes home and says "today we had to do our ABC's." Mos...

Little Timmy and Little Mandy were playing together at the kindergarten.

Timmy says to Mandy, “When we’re older, let’s get married!”

Mandy turns to him and says, “I’m sorry Timmy, I like you and all, but I’m not allowed to marry you.”

“Why not?” asks Timmy.

“Because in my family, we have a tradition of only marrying each other. It’s gone back generat...

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My kindergarten-aged daughter...

Suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a clean t-shirt to class. She told us that the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it. My wife practically swept through my daughter's room, finding nothing usable but one t-shirt that already had something printed on the s...

Trump as president visiting kindergarten, school and prison...

So, Trump with Mike Pence visits institutions around US to see what he can do to make infrastructure better for people.
First, kindergarten. He sees leaking roof, worn out toys and playground, underpayed teachers.
- Mike, write down, let's donate from federal budget 1 milion $ to each kinderg...

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Girl in a super market says to a guy.

Girl: Hi there:

Guy: Do I know you?

Girl: I think you're the Father of one of my Kids:

Guy: are you the stripper that I made love to on the pool table while all my buddies were watching?

Girl: No I'm your Sons Kindergarten Teacher.

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A new Kindergarten teacher greets her class.

"Hello boys and girls, my name is Ms Prussy, it's like pussy in pussy cat but with an R."
The next day after her class has come in she asks "Does anyone remember my name?" Little Johnny blurts out "Yeah, it's Ms Crunt!"

Guns are like gum...

Pull it out in class and everyone acts like you’ve been best friends since kindergarten.

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A little boy starts kindergarten

The teacher tells the class, “Tomorrow, I want all of you to be able to tell me the first four letters of the alphabet.”

So the boy goes home and approaches his mother in the kitchen, and asks, “What’s the first letter of the alphabet?” His mother glares at him and says, “Shut up, I’m on the ...

A teacher is teaching her kindergarten class the alphabet.

Teacher: “Now, can you tell me the next two letters after M?”

Class: “NO”

A boy in kindergarten raises his hand to ask a question.

The teacher says: “what’s your question?”

He asks: “can people my age have kids?”

The teacher answered: “no, they cannot.”

The boy looks at the girl sitting by his side and says: “Told you not to worry”

Trump visits a kindergarten

“It was so nice and relaxing to talk to someone that far away and not caring for the world problems” says a five year old student

A kindergarten student was having trouble putting on his boots, and asked his teacher for help.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. Finally they got both boots on. She grimaced when the little boy said, "They're on the wrong feet."
Sure enough, they were. The teacher kept her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the co...

What's the difference between an argument in kindergarten and the presidential debate?

About 70 years

My son’s kindergarten teacher was arrested for heroin possession…

In hindsight, the small pupils were a dead giveaway…

Why did the elf go to kindergarten?

To learn the elf-a-bet!

I just overheard my 5yo tell this to his older brother. He made sure to add emphasis to "elf-a-bet", in case his brother didn't get it. Not sure where he heard this - it came out of the blue.

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A teacher gave her kindergarten class various lifesavers.

The kids started identifying the taste by the colour. So one day, the teacher gave all of the kids honey lifesavers, and told them to guess what flavour they were. She gave them a hint: "It's what your mother may sometimes call your father." One girl spit it out and cried "Oh my god! They're asshole...

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Sean Connery is at his first day of Kindergarten...

The boy acts up, so the teacher tells him to go sit in the corner.

A few minutes later, a horrible smell begins to emanate from where Sean is.

"Sean!" The teacher screams, "What did you do that for?!"

"Well, Mish" Sean replies. "You did tell me to shit in the corner..."

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When I was in kindergarten...

I met a really beautiful girl. We really liked each other. We were constantly kissing and holding hands, even showed our private parts, until one day the teacher came and caught us, needless to say, I got fired.

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The kindergartener who pissed in a cats ear

This little kindergartener runs into school and yells “Miss! Miss! There’s a dead cat outside!”
And she goes “well how do you know it’s dead?”
And he goes “well I pissed in it’s ear and it didn’t move so it must be dead.”
And she goes into shock, “Oh my god! You did what? You pissed in the ...

A mother was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school alone

He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She knew she needed to give him the feeling that he had some independence, but at the same time she wanted him to feel safe. So, she came up with an idea that would satisfy both objectives. She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would follow her son...

A kindergarten teacher asks her students what animals provide us...

She said, "What does a chicken give us?" and the students replied, "Eggs". She then asked, "What does a pig give us?" and the students replied a joyous "Bacon". Finally she asked "What does a cow give us?" and before anyone could answer little Johnny said "Homework".

Joke provided by my ten y...

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I once taught a kindergarten class

I was briefed on one of the students, Timmy, who came from a rough family.

One day I decided to do an alphabet exercise where students would raise their hand to tell me a word that started with "A," then, "B," then, "C" and so on.

For, "A" Timmy had his hand up and he was very excitedl...

The Kindergartener

A girl came skipping home from school one day. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!” “Very good,” said her mother. “Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?” “Yes, it’s because you’re blo...

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A scientist goes into a kindergarten classroom...

A scientist goes into a kindergarten classroom to conduct an experiment. The experiment involves the kids eating gummy bears and judging by the color and taste, the kids will shout out the flavor.

The scientist gives them a red gummy bear and the kids can instantly tell that it’s strawberry....

Students of kindergarten teachers are getting fatter and fatter

Their pupils are dilating.

A kindergarten teacher tells her students that sharing is caring.

A kindergarten teacher tells her students that sharing is caring. She says she wants them all to show that they care by sharing something.

The Russian kid gives everyone a shot of vodka.

The Colombian kid hands out cocaine.

The American kid runs towards the window and attempts...

When I was in the kindergarten, I had a girlfriend

then I got fired

A mom picks up her 5 year old girl from kindergarten

A mom picks up her 5 year old girl from kindergarten. The girls gets into the car and says - "Mom, Timmy's wee wee is like a peanut!". The mother laughs and asks "why is it small?". "No" the girls answers, "it's salty"

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A kindergarten class comes back from a trip to the farm.

The teacher asks the kids, "So, what sounds did we hear at the farm today?"

Little Sally: "Moooooo"

Little Billy: "Baaaaaa"

Little Timmy: "Quack, Quack"

Little Johnny: "GET THE FUCK OFF MY TRACTOR, YOU LITTLE CUNT!!!!"

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One day in Kindergarten Class...

One day in Kindergarten Class, Ms. Johnson decided to teach the children about fruit. She put different fruits into a paper bag and started describing to the kids what fruit she had; the children were then supposed to guess what kind of fruit she had.

To start she reached in and said, "Okay, ...

Bill Gates recently visited a kindergarten and taught the children how to count to ten.

"1, 2, 3, 3.1, 95, 98, ME, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10."

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A teacher and her class of kindergarteners learn about grown-up words

A teacher is teaching her class of kindergarteners how to use grown-up expressions.

She points to little Sally and asks, "Sally, what did you do this weekend."

Sally tilted her head and said, "I went on a choo choo!"

"Marvelous, dear," said the teacher, "But next time, try 'I ro...

You know why didn't they make a Kindergarten Cop sequel?

As it turns out, it actually was a tumor.

What do you call it when one kindergartener beats up another kindergartener to become class president?

A coup d'tot.

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A kindergarten teacher was playing a game with her class

The game involved little hard candies, handing one of each flavor to every student. She told her students to eat the red ones first, then guess what it tastes like. They all ate the red one and after a few minutes they guessed it tasted like Strawberries, they were correct. Next the teacher had them...

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What do you call a boat full of penises and potatoes?

A dictatorship.



I actually told this joke to the lunch lady when I was in kindergarten, and she told it to the entire teachers lounge, so I became the Dick Joke Kid to all the teachers from age 6.

Today in kindergarten I taught my kids a cool skill for reddit

Today they learned how to cut and paste

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I walked into kindergarten on my first day of school...

I was worried, but nonetheless excited to learn. We began by learning about animals. My teacher asked students what their favorite animal was and when it was my turn I said “Pink Flamingo”

The teacher began screaming and sent me to the principals office. “Why are you here son”, he asked. I to...

Childen are playing on a kindergarten playground with their tablets...

...and the teacher is sleeping on a bench. A lady walks by and wakes the teacher up: "Aren't you afraid that the children will run away and get lost?" asks the lady. "I'm not afraid at all," says the teacher, "the WiFi signal covers the playground only."

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A kindergarten teacher asked her students to talk about what they did during the recent school holidays.

She asked them to use "grown-up words" as opposed to baby language.

The first little one said he went to see his "nana." The teacher said, "No! You went to see your 'grandmother.' Use grown-up words."

The next little one said she went for a trip on a "choo choo." The teacher said again...

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A Kindergarten teacher brings her class varies samples of meat...

She passes the first sample out, the students eat it, and asks, "Does anyone know what that was?"
She chooses a student and he says that it's steak.
"Good!" She passes out the second sample and asks if they know what it was.
A student yells, "It's chicken!" "Good, very good."
Sh...

A kindergarten teacher was telling her students about different kinds of animals.

"Whales are the largest" she said, "but they can't swallow people, because their throats are too small."
"But in the Bible, it says that Jonah was swallowed by a whale", said a little girl. "You can't always believe what you read", the teacher replied. "Well, when I go to heaven", said the little...

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I heard this joke in kindergarten but fuck it I’m saying it here

The teacher is teaching everyone the alphabet, but many people are pretty bad at it. Especially Johnny.

All of a sudden, Johnny raises his hand and asks “Can I go to the bathroom?”

The teacher thinks for a moment and then says “first tell me the alphabet.”

Johnny again says “but...

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Miss Honey is taking her kindergarten class through the alphabet

"So kids," says Miss Honey, "We're going to go through the alphabet today and see what you all remember. To start with, can anyone tell me a word beginning with the letter A?"

Slowly little Timmy's hand goes up...

"Yes Timmy, what word do you have?"

"Arsehole, miss."

"Ti...

What's the difference between kindergarteners and /r/Jokes?

Kindergarteners are creative.

A young couple was getting ready to give birth to their first child,

and they had determined that the child should not be named until after it was born, so that they could meet it and make the name based on that first magical moment. On the day of the birth, a beautiful baby girl was born and the parents were instantly smitten.

"It's 'Love.'" said the mother....

What does a blood learn in kindergarten?

His abb's

My 5 year old daughter came home from kindergarten...

Dad, how do you kill 2 giraffes with just one shot?
Me: no clue, how?
You shoot one in the ass, then the other will die from laughter.

Not gonna lie, that is the first joke she has told, which made sense (and made me chuckle)

A kindergarten class came back inside from playing at recess

The teacher likes to ask the kids what they did with their free time so he starts with Mary. "Mary, what did you do at recess today?" Mary said that she played in the sandbox. The teacher says, "that sounds like a lot of fun! If you can spell "sand" on the blackboard then you can have a cookie." Mar...

Optimus Prime and Bumblebee are in first day of kindergarten.

Optimus (in his deep voice) : Hi, I'm Optimus Prime. What's your name?

Teacher : Be silent!!!!!

Bumblebee : umleee

What's the difference between a Pakistani Kindergarten and a Taliban Training Ground?

Don't ask me, I just fly the drone.

Little Johnny's first day in kindergarten

Little Johnny is sitting in his kindergarten class when the teacher asks the following question: "There are three birds sitting on a fence, and a hunter shoots one of the birds. How many are left?"

Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "There are zero birds left. One was shot, and the othe...

Bill gates teaching a kindergarten class

"Let's count" says Gates

The children start counting as he told them to.

1,2,3.x,95,98,2000,ME,XP,7,8,8.1,9,10, 10 anniversary edition

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A kindergarten has a class pet, a mouse named Mister Squeaky

Mister Squeaky is a staple of the class, having been around for almost ten years. Every weekend, a different child takes him home to take care of him. One Sunday morning, a mom sees Mister Squeaky lying dead at the bottom of his cage. She rushes to the petstore and explains that she needs a replacem...

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Once, a kindergarten boy had to count to five

The class teacher assigned this boy to count to five the next day. When he went home, he asked his mother, who was talking on the phone:

"What is one?"

His mother replied, "be quiet!"

Then he went over to his brother, who was watching cartoons and not paying attention.

He...

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An inner city kindergarten is teaching about animal sounds.

The teacher says "ok does anyone know what sound a cow makes?
A little girl raises her hand and says "mooooo"
The teacher says "ok who knows what noise the chicken makes?"
Someone else raises there hand and says "bachbachbachbach"
The teacher says ok finally, what noise does a pig make?<...

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A teacher is with her kindergarten class, teaching them about animals.

She asks Suzy, "What sound does a cow make?" Suzy responds, "Moo." The teacher turns to Bobby, "What sound does a horse make?" Bobby responds, "Neigh." The teacher turns to Tyrone, the only black kid in class. "What sound does a pig make?" Tyrone responds, "FREEZE MOTHERFUCKER!"

Why were the police called to a kindergarten?

A small child was resisting a rest

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Little Johnny returbed from kindergarten when he saw Grandpa eating cookies

He approached pops nicely and asked if he could have some cookies.

"Does your dick reach yer arse?" Replied grandpa

Confused, Little Johnny said no. Pops then replied:

"Well when your dick can reach yer arse I'll give ye a cookie"

Devestated, Little Johnny went to his r...

What does U.S. immigration policy have in common with kindergarten after lunch?

Kid napping.

A prisoner has been digging up a tunnel under his cell for years

One day he while he was digging he saw the light, he reached the end of tunnel and ended up in a kindergarten playground

"I'm free, I'm free!" shouted the escaped prisoner

"so what? I'm four" said one of the toddlers

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A kindergarten teacher asked her students what part of the body grew 10x its size when stimulated.

All of the students stayed quiet until Little Susie stood up and said, "I'm going to tell my mommy and daddy what you're teaching us!"

The teacher didn't answer her and asked the class again, "What part of the body grows 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Susie began to turn re...

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Kindergarten Teacher: Let's name a word that starts with each letter of the alphabet...

Teacher says, "Okay, let's start with letter A."
Little Johnny raises hand, teacher calls on him and he says "Ass, ass starts with the letter A." Teacher scolds Johnny and tells him it's inappropriate to talk like that in school.

Teacher then asks the class, "Who knows a word that starts ...

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A kindergarten teacher asked her students to each bring something that they like.

Bobby shares first. "I brought a bone, because I love my dog." "That's great," says the teacher. "Mary, you're next."
Meanwhile, at the back of the classroom, Jerry takes off all his clothes and wears a giant USSR flag, as everyone stares.


Mary brings forward a plant and says, "I broug...

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At kindergarten. Teacher: What new sounds you heard at the farm today? Kid 1: Moo. Kid 2: Oink. Kid 3: Quack...

Kid 4: get the fuck off my truck!

My son's kindergarten teacher is such a hardass, she failed him on his alphabet test even though he got 25/26.

He still doesn't know y.

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The kindergarten teacher would never call on little Timmy in class...

One day the teacher said, " I'm going to say a letter of the alphabet, and you raise you hand and tell me a word that starts with that letter." The class looked very excited, but not as much as little Timmy. "A", said the teacher. Little Timmy jumped out of his chair waving his hand in the air. The...

What do white supremacists send their toddlers to before kindergarten?

Pre-KKK

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A Kindergarten teacher in Detroit asks her class what sound a pig makes...

A boy in the back of the class stands up and yells, "FREEZE MOTHA FUCKA"

Boys have a thing and girls don't.

One November afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked her up after school. She bobbed out to the car and crawled into the back seat.

"What did you do today?" I asked.

She couldn't wait to tell me. "We learned that boys are different from girls" she chirped.

Looki...

Personal space is a concept I did not understand in Kindergarten

I guess that's why they fired me.

A boy in kindergarten has to use the restroom, but the men's room is locked...

So his mother tells her son that it's alright to use the women's room this once, because they are single rooms that lock from the inside. The boy comes out a minute later and asks his mother for a quarter. The mother asks what he needs a quarter for, to which he replies:

"Apparently, mom, nap...

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A young lady is substituting a kindergarten class....

"Good morning class my name is Miss Prussy, like a pussy cat but with a R." She is nervous at first but the kids love her and she breezes through the day without a hitch.

A couple of months later she is reassigned to sub for the same class. When she gets all the kids settled she asks if any ...

What's the worst thing about Michael Jackson teaching your kindergarten class?

The smell. The man's been dead for 6 years.

A teacher confiscates two birds, a dog, and a handgun from a kindergarten student.

Teacher: "What are you doing with these things?!"

Student: "I'm practicing my alphabet."

Teacher: "Bringing animals and a gun to class is no way to learn!"

Student: "Sure it is. I have a beagle, a seagull, a Deagle, and an eagle."

What do you call a groan-inducing, kindergarten-level pun?

Top post on /r/Jokes.

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Tommy is a shy Kindergartener and his teacher calls him to the front of the class to say his alphabet...

Tommy reluctantly stood up, and eventually to the front of the class. Nervous, he starts to say his alphabet. “ABCDEFG,HIJKLMO..QRS,TUV, WX,Y and Z. “That was very good Tommy.” the teacher said. “But you forgot your P”. Then Tommy replied, “Its running down my pants!”

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There's a brunette, red-head, and a blonde in the same Kindergarten class. Who has the biggest rack?

The blonde. She's 19.

Why did I eat so much paste in kindergarten?

It really stuck to my ribs.

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A teacher gives her kindergarten students four flavors of live savers and they have to guess the flavors. The students guess cherry, lime, and orange. They don't know the last flavor.

So the teacher gives them a hint and say it's what your parents call each other. A little girl shouts and says “ OMG their assholes.

For weeks, Tommy was telling his kindergarten teacher about the baby sister who was going to be coming to his house soon.

One day at home, Tommy's mother let him feel the baby kicking. Tommy didn't say anything, and he stopped talking about the baby at school. Finally the teacher sat Tommy down and said, "Whatever happened to your new baby sister?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think my mummy ate her!...

I work at a store that was burglarized.

An investigating officer asked me where I was between 5 and 6.


He didn't seem pleased when I answered:

"Kindergarten."

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At school

At school, 5th grade classroom.
The new teacher is asking some questions to the kids just to know them a little better.

T: so, Lucy, tell me about your family.
Lucy: I'm the only child. Dad work in a factory and mom is a housemaid.

T: a typical family... Nice. And what about your...

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Ruffling some feathers.

A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella.

The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green. Little Johnny, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire-truck red.

After seeing th...

A study by the Bureau of Consumer Protection has determined that the most common first name on consumer complaints is actually "Sharon."

My kindergarten teacher was right. Sharon is Karen.

Wanna hear about the time I got kicked out of school?

Everyone knows that kindergarteners are very curious. So back in the day I was peeing at a urinal, and Timmy comes up to me and says, "Whoa, your wiener is huge!"
I thought nothing of it at the time. But when we got back to class, Timmy started telling everyone. Within the hour they wanted to see...

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A man walks by a school...

As he reaches the end of the building he noticed the kindergarten play pen and a sign reading 'Watch for Children'. He immediately walks over to the kindergarten play pen and called over the nearest Teacher. Out of his pocket the man pulls out one Timex and two Rolexes and exclaims "I'll take those ...

Trump is at an elementary school assembly and asks,...

"Does anyone know what a tragedy is?"

A kindergartener raises her hand and the president chooses her to answer, "A car crash."

"No, not quite." Responds Trump, "that would be an 'accident' ".

He then chooses a 4th grade boy. "If a school bus went off a cliff and all the kids die...

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