Damn babe are you a Minneapolis police officer?

'Cos you're breathtaking..

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces hersel...

"Babe is it in?" "Yea." "Does it hurt?" "Uh huh." "Let me put it in slowly." "It still hurts."

"Okay, let's try another shoe size."

During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.

When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.
When the young mother expres...

Yes, Buy It Babe!!

Several men are in the locker of a golf club when cell phone on the bench rings and the man engages the hands free function and starts talking. Everyone else freezes up to listen.

Man: Hello

Woman: Honey its me are you at the club?

Man: Yes

Woman: I am at the mall and thi...

Colin meets a girl on the street. He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks." She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."

They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. It’s so dark he can't see anything so he gets out his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."

She says, "Thank you." He says, "You m...

A woman was gathering plates in her kitchen...

Her boyfriend comes from behind and very playfully starts to kiss her on the neck.

Her : Babe, stop it, I'm trying to put a load in the dishwasher.

Him : Yeah, me too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the doctor's the other day and found out the new doctor is a drop dead gorgeous blonde babe

I was embarrassed, but she said "Don't worry, I am a professional - Just tell me what is wrong and I will check it out"

I said, "My wife thinks my dick tastes funny".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend and I were getting intimiate a few weeks ago.....

She stopped during foreplay and told me she was going into the bathroom to slip into something more comfortable and surprise me.

After a couple of excited minutes went by, she came back into the bedroom wearing a big black strap-on dildo.

I asked her "whats that for?"

She said ...

Have you heard of the baseball player whose full name was babe?

He was ruthless

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wrong plane babe

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW (Actual interaction between my wife and I) Wife: "Doesn't ejaculating alot increase your testosterone and lower your voice?"

Me: "Babe, if ejaculating lowered your voice, I'd have been Barry White by the time we met."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife just asked me...

if her appendix scar made her look unattractive.

Apparently, "Don't worry babe, your tits cover it" wasn't the answer she was looking for...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An artist and his wife have been having sex daily for almost two months.

While highly unusual, he doesn't question it for fear of pressing his luck. One day, his wife approaches him.

"Honey? Can you draw a picture for me?"

"Sure babe, what would you like?" he replies.

"I want to see how you think our baby will look."

The husband stares at her,...

A man and a woman are just a few days from getting married.

Naturally, the man’s a bit frisky, but the woman wants to wait until their wedding night.

“Come on!” Says the man over and over, but the woman refuses.

So two nights before the wedding, the man says, “Alright, how about I just stick the tip in? It doesn’t really count. Plus you get an ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Babes, **Jabba the Hutt** is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck you asshole" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

A group of Hell's Angel's were riding along...

Last week, a group of Hell's Angel's bikers were riding along when they saw a girl about to jump off a railway Bridge.
They stopped.
Blaze Wilder, the top biker was a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the police and he says, "Hey Baby, whatcha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Psychology Professor becomes the warden of a renown mental health institution. NSFW Long

As he's making initial inspection of the hospital, checking on patients needs & treatment plans, he comes across a room where a patient is swinging an imaginary golf club.

"What are you doing?" ask's the Warden.

"Practicing my golf swing. The doctors tell me if i get really good ...

Hey babe, I think I have some quarks in my pants.

Either that or it’s a firmy-on

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party

A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Babe, a tiny penis isn't such a big deal.

I dont know Jenny...
I kinda wish you didn't have one at all.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband: Babe, studies show that having sex is the same as running 10 kilometres

Wife: Bullshit, who runs 10 kilometres in 30 seconds?

I just called my girlfriend using my friend's phone.

She answered saying immediately "Hey, babe.". She is so amazing she just knew that it was me on the other end of the line. :)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey babe, do you want the best sex you could ever have?

Her: No thanks



Me: Then you have found the right guy!

We were driving on the highway and suddenly my wife said, “Hey, you missed a right!”

I said, “Thanks babe. You MRS. right.”

Wife gets a text from husband saying "I think we should break up."

The wife, very confused, says to the husband, "You know I live with you. If you wanted to separate, you could have walked over and told me."

The husband replies, "Sorry babe. Wrong person."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bad dream. Kinda inappropriate

So after a long weekend of partying on a beach in Florida, these three men all have to book a hotel room. They had to book it last minute and got a hotel room with a single queen size bed. The middle man was a tall blonde male. He slept in the middle of the bed because he was the tallest. So when th...

Social Club

An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"
<...

A boyfriend is ending it up with his girlfriend on the phone......

Him: Babe, I'm breaking off with you. Your father threatened me yesterday.

Her: oh no! What did he say to you?

Him: he said "If you see my daughter ever again, I'll get a 12 inch iron rod and heat up half of it red hot and put the cold half up your ass"

Her: why the cold half...

I rang my wife, "Hey babe, I'm at the hospital, I cut off my finger." "Oh no, the whole finger?" she asked.

"No, no..." I replied, "the one next to it."

COVID-19 Pick-Up Lines

If COVID-19 doesn't take you out... Can I?

Is that hand sanitizer in your pocket or are you just happy to be within 6 feet of me?

Since all the public libraries are closed, I'm checking you out instead.

You can't spell virus without U and I.

Baby, do you need toilet pape...

"Honey, do I look fat ?"

Asked the wife as she stood in front of the mirror.

"No, not at all..", the husband replied, "You look fabulous !!"

Wife, blushing, "Really ! Will you carry me to the fridge ? I want to eat some ice cream.. "

Husband, now visibly scared; "Don't you worry babe, just relax here ! ...

Let's try a joke I learned in the Philippines

A Filipino woman and her husband, an American, wake up the morning after their wedding and decide to take a shower together. In the middle of their fun, the water cuts out (as sometimes happens in the Philippines). The wife cries out, "Ay! Walang tubig!" ("Oh no! No water!" in Tagalog).

The h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

GF: See you later, love you xxx

**Me:** love you too

**GF:** Babe, it would mean a lot to me if you'd put some X's at the end of your reply xxx

**Me:** ok, love you too Donna, Yolanda, Sharon, Vicky

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Japanese transfer student named Kiyosuke wanted to lose his virginity before graduation

He transferred as a senior student, and high school graduation was near.

Because of his Asian physique, all the girls from school don't find him particularly attractive. Two months ago, one of his classmates, Sarah, found out that he is very fond of anime; so she spread malicious rumors about...

My girlfriend hates it when I call her "babe"

i love that movie...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Called my wife the other day from work: “BABE MY LIFE IS IN RUINS”

Her: For the last time you are an archeologist and this shit is getting old

Hey babe, can I be your first derivative?

Because I want to lie tangent to your curves...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: Babe...I...

GF: shush! there’s no *I*. there’s only *we* in this relationship.

Me: okay fine. *we* are gay.

Husband says to wife: Babe, do I please you in bed?

Wife: Yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth.
Husband: What trick?
Wife: The one where you stfu and go to sleep.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day after sex, my girl told me she used to be a Christian.

Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe."

Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So it was regular day at the sperm bank...

... when this guy wearing a ski mask barges in with a gun and screams:

"EVERYBODY ON THE GROUND NOW!"

The people do as he says and then the guy turns to the receptionist and points the gun at her. She tries to negotiate with him.

"Please just take the money and leave! You don't ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The rebellious high school senior

So there’s this senior in high school. He’s pretty rebellious, and always hates it when you tell him to do something.

So the teacher tells him to do his assignment. He answers, “You’re not my mom,” and refuses to do it.

So he gets sent to the dean’s office, and the dean tells him to ex...

A kid asks her crush out to the prom and she says yes. So he really wants to impress

He wants to buy her some nice flowers, rent a tuxedo, and a limo.

So he goes to the flower store and there's a really long flower line. He waits for hours and finally gets to the desk and buys the flowers

He then goes to the tuxedo store and, again, there's a really long tuxedo line. H...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(Boyfriend) Hey babe, I was in a terrible accident at work...Denise drove me to the hospital and the doctors said I might lose my right leg.

(Girlfriend) Who the fuck is Denise?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I took this babe back to my place. . .

. . . for a solid three and a half minutes of shagging. We're lying there afterwards and she asks, "Why don't you have a clock in your bedroom?"

"I do have a clock - a wall clock."

"What's a wall clock?"

So I bang on the wall. From next door a voice, "Hey asshole! Don't you k...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl and guy are laying in bed after sex

She turns to him and says,

"Babe I need to tell you something, I used to be a Christian."

He said:
"That doesn't bother me any!"

She responded:
"That's a relief, I much prefer being a Christine."

Babe come over.

Person: Ok, I’m already having a threesome with this couple.

Girlfriend: But I’m home alone.

Person: I know.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Babe, are you a car alarm?

Because you're loud, annoying as fuck and I accidentally turn you on.

TIFU by taking my girlfriend to a food themed costume orgy.

Obligatory didn't happen today, but a few weeks ago, me and my girlfriend decided to spice up our relationship by going to an orgy. A mutual friend of ours gave us the adress, and told us to wear costumes. I was broccoli, my girlfriend was a tomato.

When we arrived, the door was unlocked. Th...

A woman starts to scream while giving birth.



"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.

"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"

"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"

This morning my wife walk's into the kitchen as I am fixing my morning coffee.

Wife in a very excited tone: "Babe! Babe! I'm pregnant you're going to be a father!"

Me: "Ha! Can't fool me it's April Fools Day!"

Wife: "Haha, got me, you're not the father."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'll never understand women, my wife said to me earlier: "Babe, I'm stuck on 6 across. 8 letters, fixed the highway?"

"Retarred." I replied.

Ungrateful bitch just threw the paper at me and stormed out.

My friend: “My girlfriend said she wanted to eat tacos, so we flew to Mexico”

Me: “Hey babe what do you wanna eat?”

Her: “Nothing”

Me: *flies to Africa*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW:A nurse was making her rounds at the insane asylum...

Her first stop a man had his dick in his hands and was swinging it like a baseball bat."Just what are you doing?"she asks.

"I'm Babe Ruth,the world's most famous baseball player."

She continues to the next room where she sees the patient holding his dick like a golf club.And just what ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man won a lottery.

A man comes rushing home and tells his wife "Honey! Honey! Pack your bags, I won the lottery!"

She says "That's nice babe, where are we going!!??"

He says "I don't care where you go... just get the fuck out!"

Unique sport tool

Gangsters come into sport shop and says:Hey Fred we need to beat some guys up! Fred:Hmmm this baseball bat should be good. Its have a signature of Babe Ruth! Hey Fred its real signature of Babe Ruth? Fred:No but if you beat that guys hard they will not ask about this.

Some women would find things to complain about even if they were married to Jesus Christ Himself.

Some women would find things to complain about even if they were married to Jesus Christ Himself.


"Jesus, did you unload the dishwasher?"

"Honey, I was feeding the 5000."

"Don't give me that... Did you clean the sink?"

"Wist ye not that I must be about My Father's b...

A 80 year old man is on his honeymoon with his new 20year old wife...

She says to him, "what are we gonna do about the bedroom situation?"

"What bedroom situation? ", he replied.

"The snoring baby, you always keep me awake." she continued.

"Oh no worries darling, I have two bedrooms here and we can sleep in different ones, and when I need anyt...

Man gets on a bus and sits next to a mother with child...

The mother is trying to get her fussy son to breastfeed, she finally gets frustrated and tells the baby, "You better take to the milk, or I'll give it to this man sitting here..."

She tries a few more minutes, the baby is still just very fussy, she tells the baby again, "You need to start soo...

My girlfriend got mad at me for calling her 'babe'.

I guess "that'll do pig, that'll do" took it a little too far.

Her: That sucked, you barely lasted 2 minutes...

Him: Babe, it was doggy style, so that's like 14 minutes!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having difficulty to get it hard during sex..

My partner said to me

Hey babe why UBISOFT?

In a bus...

... a grandma looks with interest a girl that has a hieroglyphs tattoo on her neck

Gi: "Hey granny, what are you looking at?"

Gr: "At what is written on your neck, darling."

Gi: "So what? Tattoos haven't existed when you were young?"

Gr: "Babe, we had them to, but... I w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Babe You want to hear my dream!?

Wife: "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband: "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife: "Those they gave away for free."

Husband: "Oh really? Well, I had a dream too...I dreamt I was at a pussy...

I brought a girl back to my house, took her up to my bedroom and said, "This is where the magic happens, babe."

She said, "Oh really? I'm getting excited now!"

So I said, "Yes. Pick a card..."

Babe, are you Cameron Bancroft?

'Cause I want you tampering with my balls.

Me: Hey babe, are you a federal student loan?

Me: hey babe, are you a federal student loan? Because it looks like you have low interest

My date: Yep.

Me: oh

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fucked

A guy with no arms or legs is sunning himself on a beach near the waters edge.
3 babes are walking by and the first says "Hi there, have you every been hugged?" the guy says no so she gives him a hug and walks away
The second sees this and asks "Have you ever been kissed?" the guy says no so ...

Girlfriend: Love you babe, xx…

*-I love you too!*
I’d be *so* happy if u put x's in when u SMS me...
*-Ok! Rachel, Sarah, Monica.*

"Honey, I have to confess something", said the husband on his deathbed

"...I have cheated on you multiple times with you best friend, your sister, my secretary and a side piece"

Wife: "Sshhh, it's okay babe. Just relax and let the poison work"

The French Test Drive

An American couple took their honeymoon in France, and they loved it so much they decided they just had to live there. But the costly move left them in financial hardship. Eventually, they did both find jobs, but on opposite ends of the city, so they decided to buy a car.

"This one," said the...

My girlfriend asked me to start calling her ‘babe’.

Apparently “that’ll do, pig, that’ll do” wasn’t an appropriate reply.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bunk bed

A Boyfriend texts his Girlfriend saying "Hey babe you wanna come over and have sex?" Girlfriend texts back "Duh!" So the girl goes over her Boyfriends house, and right before they get into it, he sets the boundaries. "Ok, so my little brother is home, and I have bunk beds. He's on the bottom bunk....

A man goes on vacation to Israel with his wife and his stepmother.

While in Israel, his stepmother died at the hotel.

The people there told him:

"Sir, if you want to bury her back in the United States, it's going to cost you $5,000 to bring back her corpse. But since she died at the hotel, we can do the funeral here in Israel for free.

The ma...

Donald Trump is flying over New York City.

He looks out of the window and says to his family, "You know what, I'm gonna throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy!"

His son looks at him and says, "Dad, why don't you throw two hundred $5 bills out of the window? Then you can make two hundred people happy."...

I think my babe is an astronaut

She said she needs space.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife was so excited that she pulled something out of her closet from 10 years ago that still fits..

"Can you believe it? After 10 years and it still fits!"

"Babe, it's a fucking scarf!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Budweiser method

These three guys are in a bar, having a few beers, and checking out the babes as they enter the establishment. One walks in, rather attractive, and they "discuss" her "rating," which is on a 1 to 10 scale. One says, "I'd give her a 7. She's really quite pretty." Another agrees, and so does the third...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's called an orgasm babe

Not an andgasm, I'll get you next time.

"I asked my wife how many men she slept with...

She said "only you Babe, all the others kept me up all night" "
(credit : Al Snow)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Babe, my sex drive is like Donald Trump's twitter...

Random, irrational, and provocative.

What did Babe Ruth name his pet pig?

The Great Hambeano...

Retired Rattlesnake Roadside-Romeo

Retired Rattlesnake Roadside-Romeo was on the side of a dirt road in rural Arizona. On the other side of the road was a chicken.
So, he hollers, "Hey there! Babe! I don't usually talk with random chicks, but you ought to know that I am like a hundred years old. Do you want to know the secret to...

Babe, you're like a star that burns brighter than 1000 suns.

Because your period is about a week long.

Boy sent a text to her girlfriend - Ready for tonight, Babe? You're going to use that mouth so hard.

Reply: I am Amy's father, and what is she going to do with her mouth?
Boy: Oh, she didn't tell you?
Father: What?
Boy: It's Karaoke night!

my job is great, I get to travel a lot, I'm surrounded by hot babes, and I even met my wife on the job!

I love being a shepherd!

The queen wanted to go to bed, but the king was trying to think of a name for his soldiers and wouldn't go to bed before he came up with one.

Queen: K night.

King: Babe you're a genius!

Babe, you can call me Solar Radiation.

Because I'm about to get caught up in your ozone.

Hey babe are you an angel?

Because I'm allergic to feathers.

What do you call a booth babe at Apple's events?

ICandy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly man suspects that his wife may be losing her hearing

He knows his wife doesn't want to accept the fact that she is getting older and isn't as youthful as she used to be. So he goes to the doctor himself to ask if anything can be done about it.

Man: Doc, I think my wife may be losing her hearing. Is there anything I can do for her?

Docto...

My wife outdid me yesterday.

I asked her to hand me a rag to clean some food on the floor and she threw it at me. I caught it.

Wife: Nice catch, babe!

Me: Thanks.

Wife: I was talking about me!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm breaking up with you

What, why?!

"Because all you ever talk about is fucking video games"

But babe please, this is such a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I started my fairly new job at Starbucks a couple month ago...

When this smoking hot girl comes in I mean an absolute babe! Luscious blonde hair, green eyes, perfect lashes, long legs with the shortest skirt I have seen, a belly button piercing with a stomach you could crack a walnut on and a push up bra that was holding the world up, I was in shock and speechl...

Babe, after we make love... I'll never be able to get over you

Can you grab my phone?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Romance and music

I got into the house tonight and there was a lovely smell of a joint roasting.

Candles were lit, there was some chill out music playing and a bottle of wine was on the coffee table with two glasses.

I smiled and went into the kitchen, where she had her back to me.

I watched her ...

“Honeyyyy, on your way down can you bring me down a pair of socks please?”

Husband: “Sure no problem!”

Wife: “Thanks! Ermmmm...babe, one of these socks is black and the other is white. Jeez do I have to do everything myself?!”

Husband: “Don’t waste your time. The pair upstairs is exactly the same.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife caught me cheating.

My wife ran out the room last night, she turned and screamed at me, 'And you know what? You've gone too far this time.....we're finished!! You're bankrupt and the way you wander round the streets so aimlessly, it's a suprise you don't one day end up in prison!'' But babe...' I said, taking a step ...

I've only seen "Babe" once, but I've said "That'll do, pig" 1000 times.

My wife hates me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets home after a long day at work

He sits down on the couch and calls out to his wife "Hey babe, will you get me a beer before it starts?" She gladly goes to the fridge and gets him a beer, pops the top and brings it to him then goes into the kitchen to start dinner. About half an hour later she hears "Hey babe, will you get me a be...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"The average woman will receive verbal abuse six times a day," said my wife.

I said, "Honey, you're not the average woman. You're a million times what the average woman is."

"Aww, thanks babe," she replied.

I said, "It wasn't a compliment. Lose some fucking weight."

A Buddhist converted to Christianity

To get with his new girlfriend, a Buddhist quit his religion and converted to Christianity. As they were cleaning up his old apartment,the girlfriend stumbled upon his old notebooks containing all the wisdom he had learned from his old teacher.

"Babe, what's this?" She asked.

"Don't wo...

A Beer Before It Starts

Husband sitting on the couch watching TV, yells to the wife in the kitchen “hey babe, will you bring me a beer before it starts?”
Wife: sure

10-15 minutes go by....

Husband: hey babe, will you bring me another beer before it starts?
Wife: I suppose

This continues several m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Leonardo Dicaprio Babe Ruth have in common?

They both won when neither of them were competing against black people!

A blonde and her boyfriend were going somewhere in a car.

While taking a left turn the boyfriend asks " Babe , can you check if the indicator is working. "

The blonde look around and says

" Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes..."

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.