This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple are about to have sex, when the man reaches for some lube...

Opening a new bottle, he notices the protective tape on the cap has already been torn off, suggesting the bottle may have tampered with.

That's weird, he thinks to himself.

"Do not use if seal is missing" it reads on the bottle.

The man thinks for a second, but not wanting to ru...

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A dad overhears his daughter...

One day, a dad overheard his daughter praying in her room. She said "bless mom, bless dad, bless grandmom, goodbye grandad". He found this weird but didn't say anything. A few hours later the family finds out that her grandad had passed away. The dad freaked out initially, but chalked it up to coinc...

A body builder takes off his shirt.

A blonde says, "Wow, what a great chest you have!" He says, "100lbs of dynamite, babe!" He takes off his pants and the blonde says "What massive calves you have!" He replies, "That's 100lbs of dynamite, babe!" He then removes his underwear and the blonde runs off screaming in fear. He puts his cloth...

Babe, if I compared you to every single girl in the entire world...

...all averaged together, there would be no difference.

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A girl says to her boyfriend…

Babe it’s ok, a tiny Dick isn’t really a big deal.. The boyfriend responds … “Ya but it would’ve been nice if you told me you had one at all before we started dating …”

Man approaches significant other and asks, "Hey babe, what are we mad about today?"

Significant other replies, "Can you not call me babe please?" Man asks, "What should I call you?" Significant other replies, "I don't know, my name?" Man asks, "Why don't you know your name?"

Me: Hey babe, I’ve got a huge throbbing hard-on with your name on it!

Her: Are you sure it isn't just my initials?

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A beautiful blonde babe gets out of the shower

when she hears a knock at the door

“It’s the blind man!!” Says the voice

She thinks to herself, it’s ok if I open the door, he’s blind so he won’t be able to see me, as she opens the door

The man walks in and says
“You have a lovely pair of tits, now where do you want the...

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A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, a...

A guy brings his new blonde girlfriend to a family dinner

His parents are devoutly religious and he was born and raised in the south, so he's nervous - he gave her some pointers beforehand so everything would go smoothly.

After having a lovely conversation where his parents have warmed up to his girlfriend, they sit at the table and dig in. The guy ...

My boyfriend just punched my doctor in the face

‘You’re a disgusting pervert , I’ll be reporting you to your boss for what you just told my girlfriend!’

‘Babe calm down - he said acute angina!’

Woman Decides To Test Her Husband's Love. Then This Happened... LOL!

Not too long ago, there was a woman who felt that her husband was being distant and unloving.

She wanted to know how her husband would react if she left without telling him where she had gone.

She decided to write him a letter saying she was tired of him and didn't want to live with h...

Babe why did you get these new radios? Our relationship is over.

Our relationship is what? Over.

Ophelia: "Babe, come over."

Hamlet: "I can't. I'm hiding a body."

Ophelia: "My dad's not home."

Hamlet: "I know."

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This hot Russian babes comes up to me and says, "Hi! I'm Natasha..."

I said, "Ok. You're *not* Tasha. So who the fuck are you?"

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My wife thrust a picture under my nose. "What the fuck is this!" she asked. "Well," I calmly replied, "It appears to be a photo of me fondling your sister's massive breasts... But you do know that's not real, don't you, babe?" "Really? she said, calming down.

"Obviously" I replied, "They're implants".

About 2 months ago, my girlfriend and I decided to quit smoking….

It was decided that we would only smoke after having “adult time”. I’m down to 1 or 2 cigarettes a week, and I feel great. She’s up to 3 packs a day. Hang in there babe, you got this.

"Babe is it in?"

"Yea."

"Does it hurt?"

"Uh-huh."

"Let me put it in slowly."

"It still hurts."



"Okay, let's try another shoe size!"

A boy plans on taking his girlfriend to prom.

A boy plans on taking his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flower...

What did the gym bro tell his gf who was mad at him?

Babe I'm sorry I just want us to work out

Why do elephants wear blue tennis shoes?

(So they land softer when they're sky diving?) No, because white ones scuff up too easily.

\---

Why shouldn't you go out in the savannah between 4pm and 6pm?
\--That's when the elephants go sky-diving

\---

Why do elephants live in herds?
\---To get the group dis...

The missus came home steaming drunk last night.

"You up for some role play action, babe?" She asked with a wink.
"Not really." I replied.
"Oh, come on." She said. "We can act out ANY scene, from ANY film you want."
Walking over to her with a huge smile on my face, I noticed her expression change. She had realised her mistake, howev...

A man goes on vacation to Israel with his wife and his stepmother. While in Israel, his stepmother died at the hotel. The people there told him:

"Sir, if you want to bury her back in the United States, it's going to cost you $5,000 to bring back her corpse. But since she died at the hotel, we can do the funeral here in Israel for free. r>

The man immediately refused and said he would pay the $5,000 fee to do the funeral back home.<...

Suicide stop

Back on June 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who...

We were driving along the highway and my wife said, “Hey, you missed a right!”

I said, “Thanks babe. You Mrs. Right.”

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Whats the difference between a causal dress party and having sex

Me: hey babe

Wife: hm?

Me: what’s the difference between a casual dress party and a pirate having sex?

Wife: oh god here we go.

Me:

Me: one, you come as you are…

Me: the other, you “ARRRR!!” as you cum

Wife: get out.

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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces hersel...

Damn babe are you a Minneapolis police officer?

'Cos you're breathtaking..

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I went to the doctor's the other day and found out the new doctor is a drop dead gorgeous blonde babe

I was embarrassed, but she said "Don't worry, I am a professional - Just tell me what is wrong and I will check it out"

I said, "My wife thinks my dick tastes funny".

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My Wife came out of the shower.

She walked into the bedroom and said to me.

"Babe please shut the blinds, I don't want the

neighbours to see me naked."

"Don't worry" I said, "if the neighbours see you

naked, they'll shut their own fucking blinds!"

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Wife says to husband.

Wife: I can't believe it, first I am diagnosed with dyslexia.

Now I have tiny tits.

Husband: Tinnitus babe Tinnitus..

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The Mistress

>A rich dude and his wife were having dinner at a fancy joint. This absolutely stunning young woman comes over to the table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at him: "Who the hell was that ?
"Oh", replies the husba...

"Babe, what were you telling me this morning?" Husband to wife

The wife replied "Never mind, I changed my mind"

Husband: "Is the new one better?"

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Wrong plane babe

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN ...

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Husband: Babe, studies show that having sex is the same as running 10 kilometres

Wife: Bullshit, who runs 10 kilometres in 30 seconds?

Wife asks her man a serious question one day...

It was a beautiful morning, however wife had a serious question to ask her husband.

"Babe", she reckoned. "If I die tomorrow, how will you be affected by my death?"

Husband did not question the intent behind asking such a question, indeed he was smart.

"Babe, if I lose you, I'll...

A man gets on a bus and sits next to a lady with a child ..

The mother is trying to get her fussy son to breastfeed, she finally gets frustrated and tells the baby, "You better take to the milk, or I'll give it to this man sitting here..."

She tries a few more minutes, the baby is still just very fussy, she tells the baby again, "You need to start soo...

[NSFW] pro tip:

Next time your bro plans to ride his babe, call shotgun

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Called my wife the other day from work: “BABE MY LIFE IS IN RUINS”

Her: For the last time you are an archeologist and this shit is getting old

Messis's wife today : babe it's 9 wake up .

Messi : wtf !!! They scored again.

During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.

When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.
When the young mother expres...

A man is getting dressed in the gym locker room when the cellphone on the bench next to him begins to ring.

He answers, "Hello?"

"Hi, honey. I'm at that furniture store and, I know we talked about this before, but that dining room set is on sale for $900 and I just don't think I can pass it up this time-"

"Don't worry about it, babe," replied the man. "If it's on sale, you go ahead and pick ...

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I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Babes, **Jabba the Hutt** is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck you asshole" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

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3 boys met a genie on a cliff

The genie promise them each a wish.

They are to shout out their wish while they jump down the cliff. The further they can jump, the more they will get from their wish.

The first boy ran and jumped while shouting "Money!!"
As he landed on the ground, a load of money fell from the sk...

Husband says to wife: Babe, do I please you in bed?

Wife: Yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth.
Husband: What trick?
Wife: The one where you stfu and go to sleep.

— Babe, did you know you sleep talk?

— Oh yeah?! How so?

— I heard you cursing me all night long last night on your sleep.

— who said I was sleeping?

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So I took this babe back to my place. . .

. . . for a solid three and a half minutes of shagging. We're lying there afterwards and she asks, "Why don't you have a clock in your bedroom?"

"I do have a clock - a wall clock."

"What's a wall clock?"

So I bang on the wall. From next door a voice, "Hey asshole! Don't you k...

Yes, Buy It Babe!!

Several men are in the locker of a golf club when cell phone on the bench rings and the man engages the hands free function and starts talking. Everyone else freezes up to listen.

Man: Hello

Woman: Honey its me are you at the club?

Man: Yes

Woman: I am at the mall and thi...

Hey babe, I think I have some quarks in my pants.

Either that or it’s a firmy-on

I rang my wife, "Hey babe, I'm at the hospital, I cut off my finger." "Oh no, the whole finger?" she asked.

"No, no..." I replied, "the one next to it."

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(Boyfriend) Hey babe, I was in a terrible accident at work...Denise drove me to the hospital and the doctors said I might lose my right leg.

(Girlfriend) Who the fuck is Denise?

Colin meets a girl on the street. He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks." She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."

They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. It’s so dark he can't see anything so he gets out his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."

She says, "Thank you." He says, "You m...

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Man talking to his Wife.

Husband: Babe Do you believe in Heaven.?

Wife: Yeah, why.?

Husband: When we die, would you like to meet up with me in Heaven.?

Wife: Fuck off, the deal was until death do us part.

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One day after sex, my girl told me she used to be a Christian.

Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe."

Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."

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Me: Babe...I...

GF: shush! there’s no *I*. there’s only *we* in this relationship.

Me: okay fine. *we* are gay.

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Hey babe, do you want the best sex you could ever have?

Her: No thanks



Me: Then you have found the right guy!

Hey babe, can I be your first derivative?

Because I want to lie tangent to your curves...

Guy who hasn't seen his Girlfriend since lock-down, phoned her.

Guy: Hi babe hows the diet going.?

Her: Not good, I had eggs for breakfast.

Guy: Scrambled.?

Her: No, Cadbury's.

Sonny and Cher are playing scrabble. Sonny draws a tile out of the bag and Cher asks him what he picked.

He replies "I've got U babe"

My girlfriend hates it when I call her "babe"

i love that movie...

She called me "Fevereiro"

I started dating this gorgeous Brazilian girl.

One night, right after having slept with her for the first time, she started to call me *Fevereiro*.

I felt that nickname had a really cool latin vibe, so I went along with it.



After a few weeks, I asked her, "By the way, h...

My wife walked in to our bedroom in a huff earlier after coming out the shower

“Dave, can you remember to shut the curtains please, I’m getting changed and the neighbours can see in” she said angrily.

“Don’t worry babe”, I replied. “If the neighbours see you naked they’ll be sure to shut their own curtains”

So that’s why I’m sleeping in the car tonight.

A verb walks up to a noun in a bar

-- Hey, babe, wanna go back to my place and conjugate?

-- I decline

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Babe You want to hear my dream!?

Wife: "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband: "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife: "Those they gave away for free."

Husband: "Oh really? Well, I had a dream too...I dreamt I was at a pussy...

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A girl and guy are laying in bed after sex

She turns to him and says,

"Babe I need to tell you something, I used to be a Christian."

He said:
"That doesn't bother me any!"

She responded:
"That's a relief, I much prefer being a Christine."

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Optical illusion

My girlfriend caught me jerking off to an optical illusion. I said, "babe it's not what it looks like!".

A guy walks into a bar with a dog and the bartender says "No pets allowed!"

The guy says "This isn't a pet, he's my friend and he can talk."

The bartender is skeptical and demands the guy proves it.

The guy asks the dog "What's the opposite of 'soft'?" The dog replies "Rough!"

The bartender remains skeptical and asks for more proof.

The guy asks ...

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I'll never understand women, my wife said to me earlier: "Babe, I'm stuck on 6 across. 8 letters, fixed the highway?"

"Retarred." I replied.

Ungrateful bitch just threw the paper at me and stormed out.

I brought a girl back to my house, took her up to my bedroom and said, "This is where the magic happens, babe."

She said, "Oh really? I'm getting excited now!"

So I said, "Yes. Pick a card..."

A woman starts to scream while giving birth.



"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.

"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"

"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"

So this hot babe goes to a fancy dress party stark naked and rings the bell.

———————————————————
———————————————————
———————————————————
———————————————————
———————————————————

The host opens the door and sees her standing there brazenly, tapping her forefinger on her chin.
Host: “ What are you?”
Hot babe: “A self-tapping screw!”

Babe, are you Cameron Bancroft?

'Cause I want you tampering with my balls.

Girlfriend: Love you babe, xx…

*-I love you too!*
I’d be *so* happy if u put x's in when u SMS me...
*-Ok! Rachel, Sarah, Monica.*

My girlfriend got mad at me for calling her 'babe'.

I guess "that'll do pig, that'll do" took it a little too far.

A four foot tall man visits the local bordello...

when he gets there. he's immediately greeted with laughter and scorn by the ladies of the night, who giggled and laughed at the very thought of sleeping with him.



Finally, the madam had enough. The man had money, and his money was just as good as anyone else's. So she took him by th...

Me: Hey babe, are you a federal student loan?

Me: hey babe, are you a federal student loan? Because it looks like you have low interest

My date: Yep.

Me: oh

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An old woman finds a Genie lamp and brings it home...

She decides to polish it and rubs it with a cloth.

*POOF!* a Genie appears

Genie: "Thank you for freeing me, I grant you three wishes. What will they be?"

Old woman, shocked: "Eh...Um.. Err. I GOT IT! Make me a young and rich queen!"

Genie snaps his fingers and she turns...

COVID-19 Pick-Up Lines

If COVID-19 doesn't take you out... Can I?

Is that hand sanitizer in your pocket or are you just happy to be within 6 feet of me?

Since all the public libraries are closed, I'm checking you out instead.

You can't spell virus without U and I.

Baby, do you need toilet pape...

I think my babe is an astronaut

She said she needs space.

Her: "Babe, why are you sad?"

Him: "I just found out the world is flat"

Her: "No it's not silly"

Him: "You're my world"

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NSFW (Actual interaction between my wife and I) Wife: "Doesn't ejaculating alot increase your testosterone and lower your voice?"

Me: "Babe, if ejaculating lowered your voice, I'd have been Barry White by the time we met."

What did Babe Ruth name his pet pig?

The Great Hambeano...

"Honey, do I look fat ?"

Asked the wife as she stood in front of the mirror.

"No, not at all..", the husband replied, "You look fabulous !!"

Wife, blushing, "Really ! Will you carry me to the fridge ? I want to eat some ice cream.. "

Husband, now visibly scared; "Don't you worry babe, just relax here ! ...

My girlfriend asked me to start calling her ‘babe’.

Apparently “that’ll do, pig, that’ll do” wasn’t an appropriate reply.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's called an orgasm babe

Not an andgasm, I'll get you next time.

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An artist and his wife have been having sex daily for almost two months.

While highly unusual, he doesn't question it for fear of pressing his luck. One day, his wife approaches him.

"Honey? Can you draw a picture for me?"

"Sure babe, what would you like?" he replies.

"I want to see how you think our baby will look."

The husband stares at her,...

Boy sent a text to her girlfriend - Ready for tonight, Babe? You're going to use that mouth so hard.

Reply: I am Amy's father, and what is she going to do with her mouth?
Boy: Oh, she didn't tell you?
Father: What?
Boy: It's Karaoke night!

Babe, you're like a star that burns brighter than 1000 suns.

Because your period is about a week long.

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GF: See you later, love you xxx

**Me:** love you too

**GF:** Babe, it would mean a lot to me if you'd put some X's at the end of your reply xxx

**Me:** ok, love you too Donna, Yolanda, Sharon, Vicky

A kid asks her crush out to the prom and she says yes. So he really wants to impress

He wants to buy her some nice flowers, rent a tuxedo, and a limo.

So he goes to the flower store and there's a really long flower line. He waits for hours and finally gets to the desk and buys the flowers

He then goes to the tuxedo store and, again, there's a really long tuxedo line. H...

What do you call a booth babe at Apple's events?

ICandy

my job is great, I get to travel a lot, I'm surrounded by hot babes, and I even met my wife on the job!

I love being a shepherd!

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A man, tired of being cheated on, makes a resolution that he would only marry a girl who doesn’t even know what a penis is.

He begins his search for the ultimate soulmate from his village. He sees a girl standing near a field, says “Pardon me but...” whips out his penis and asks, “do you know what this is?” “A penis” she responds and the man leaves the scene.

Unable to find anyone in his village after tens of tri...

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Babe, my sex drive is like Donald Trump's twitter...

Random, irrational, and provocative.

Babe, you can call me Solar Radiation.

Because I'm about to get caught up in your ozone.

I've only seen "Babe" once, but I've said "That'll do, pig" 1000 times.

My wife hates me.

Hey babe are you an angel?

Because I'm allergic to feathers.

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My wife just asked me...

if her appendix scar made her look unattractive.

Apparently, "Don't worry babe, your tits cover it" wasn't the answer she was looking for...

My girlfriend was feeling down and said "I'm such a negative person what if I drive you away?"

I reassured her and said "babe, that'll never happen; I have no place else to go"

I just called my girlfriend using my friend's phone.

She answered saying immediately "Hey, babe.". She is so amazing she just knew that it was me on the other end of the line. :)

Trump is flying over New York..

Trump is flying over New York.

He looks out of the window and says to his family, "You know what, I'm gonna throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy!"

His son looks at him and says, "Dad, why don't you throw two hundred $5 bills out of the window? Then you...

TIFU by taking my girlfriend to a food themed costume orgy.

Obligatory didn't happen today, but a few weeks ago, me and my girlfriend decided to spice up our relationship by going to an orgy. A mutual friend of ours gave us the adress, and told us to wear costumes. I was broccoli, my girlfriend was a tomato.

When we arrived, the door was unlocked. Th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW:A nurse was making her rounds at the insane asylum...

Her first stop a man had his dick in his hands and was swinging it like a baseball bat."Just what are you doing?"she asks.

"I'm Babe Ruth,the world's most famous baseball player."

She continues to the next room where she sees the patient holding his dick like a golf club.And just what ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Leonardo Dicaprio Babe Ruth have in common?

They both won when neither of them were competing against black people!

Babe, after we make love... I'll never be able to get over you

Can you grab my phone?

Why can't two Asians make their own Caucasian babes?

Because two wongs don't make a white!

A man and a woman are just a few days from getting married.

Naturally, the man’s a bit frisky, but the woman wants to wait until their wedding night.

“Come on!” Says the man over and over, but the woman refuses.

So two nights before the wedding, the man says, “Alright, how about I just stick the tip in? It doesn’t really count. Plus you get an ...

My wife started crying about her weight while we were eating our lunch.

I said, "Chin up love."

She said, "Thanks babe. I'm glad I have you to support me."

I replied, "No, I mean pull your chin up. It's in your soup."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bad dream. Kinda inappropriate

So after a long weekend of partying on a beach in Florida, these three men all have to book a hotel room. They had to book it last minute and got a hotel room with a single queen size bed. The middle man was a tall blonde male. He slept in the middle of the bed because he was the tallest. So when th...

I was flirting really well with this woman in the bar.

"Do you want me to show you a good time?" she asked.

"Of course, babe," I grinned eagerly.

"Get your stopwatch out then," she snapped, "and see how long it takes me to get to the other side of the club."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly man suspects that his wife may be losing her hearing

He knows his wife doesn't want to accept the fact that she is getting older and isn't as youthful as she used to be. So he goes to the doctor himself to ask if anything can be done about it.

Man: Doc, I think my wife may be losing her hearing. Is there anything I can do for her?

Docto...

My girlfriend just texted me this: Babe,myspacebarisbroken.IneedanalternativeASAP!

Anybody know what 'ternative' means?

Babe, you're like a camera.

Everytime i look at you, i shutter.

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